I have wanted to face you to tell you things many times. You live so close and yet you seem so far away.
The pain I felt when we parted ways was the deepest pain I had ever felt and I still feel the pain deep inside. It is there locked away as I try to pretend it does not. I don’t want to feel it so I bury it . I faced it the only way I knew how until I finally was able to place it away . No one understood as I became broken and all had always seen me as strong. Yes, it broke me. It broke me more to see your pain as I couldn’t help you. I didn’t even know how to help myself much less you and I grieved.
I told you, you seemed like two different people and you said you were. I didn’t understand and you said you couldn’t explain it to me as you didn’t even understand it.
Do I hate you? No. I sometimes wish I could but you see, I am not made this way. Oh, I could pretend I do but not to myself as I have to look at my image in the mirror each day. I don’t know hate. You hated me for loving you and said so. You said you didn’t deserve my kind of love. You did, even if you are what you are.
People asked why I couldn’t just get angry with you. Begged me to do so. I tried….. I begged God to allow it and yet I never did. Does this make me weak? Maybe in your eyes and yet, I see it as being strong. I felt broken and yet you didn’t break me. I never stopped loving you. I never will if I am being honest. Others wouldn’t understand that but you know me and know I won’t ever. You or the other you were my best friend. I loved both sides of you. I just couldn’t love this away. I am sorry I failed you but I finally had to heal the best I knew how . For me and for you. You now know how strong I am even though I showed weakness. You saw true love even if you couldn’t feel it.
I have moved on but a part of you will be with me forever. You taught me so much and I was able to see not only my strengths but my weaknesses. I learned about you and I learned more about me. I am thankful.
I don’t know hate but you wanted me to know it just as much as I wanted you to know love . We are who we are. We may never know what we both felt. We can only try to understand it.
I am not mad nor sad. I don’t feel sorry for you nor for myself. I am just glad I learned and I hope you will one day accept who I am just as I have accepted who you are as we were meant to learn this.
You locked our love lock and forever it will stay that way. It was a love that although different was meant to be locked away in both our hearts . Just in a different way.
More than words…..
J