The opportunity to understand the way that the narcissist thinks and behaves is a rare occurrence. Here you will find an array of explanations across different topics and scenarios which will give you unrivalled insight into this dark and destructive individual. Gaining understanding of how this person regards you and the world around him or her is the key to unshackling yourself from the confusion, bewilderment and distress that accompanies any entanglement with a narcissist. This book provides a multitude of observations which will illuminate your understanding and assist you in gaining comprehension of what you are dealing with.
This is a Heart Hook which might be used by any school of narcissist but there is one who will use it far more often than any other school and that is the Mid Range Narcissist. The Mid-Ranger, as I have explained elsewhere, is typified by significant reliance on the façade as a ‘good person’, is desperate to be liked and well thought of, is passive aggressive, utilises sulking, silent treatments and pity plays regularly and is cowardly and prefers others to do his or her dirty work. They revel in portraying themselves as a good soul who has been wounded by the evil behaviour of others. They truly believe that. In common with the narcissistic outlook that the world is a cruel and harsh place, the Mid-Range narcissist believes that he or she should be compensated and helped from having to deal with the savage vagaries of life.
When looking to seduce a new victim the Mid Range narcissist will use this line more than any other type of narcissist. This is because he or she has been hurt in the past. Of course that hurt was viewed from the narcissistic perspective and therefore the terrible wounds suffered arose from a previous victim escaping, letting the narcissist down, not doing what the Mid Ranger wanted, exposing his or her behaviours to others. That is where the hurt manifests from but the Mid Ranger will not convey the hurt in this manner. No, he will do so using the language of hurt than an empathic person will understand.
“She used to hit me. I do not know why, but she used to attack me for no reason. I did not hit back, I couldn’t, I am not like that, but imagine how that feels, being a man and having a smaller woman bruise you in that way.”
“He used to bugger me and even when I was crying he would not stop.”
“He tormented me about my weight even though he knew I was sensitive about it.”
“She put me down whenever I tried to do anything good. She just seemed to be jealous of me all of the time.”
“I opened myself up to her and she just trampled all over my heart.”
“I let him in and he tried to break me.”
The narcissist and especially the Mid Range uses this Heart Hook to establish three things:-
- To convey to the prospective victim that the narcissist has been badly hurt before and therefore needs to be look after, treated well and given sympathy and pity which of course equate as fuel;
- By demonstrating that he or she has been hurt, this disarming behaviour will not cause the prospective victim to be wary of the narcissist; and
- It compliments the victim by identifying that he or she is a kind, caring and compassionate person. Of course the victim is all of those things and knows that he or she is and consequently not only are they pleased that the narcissist recognises this they are immediately caused to set a standard to live up to in the way they engage with the narcissist.
Using this phrase or one similar to it is to convey to the prospective victim that the narcissist sees good in them and despite having been so badly hurt before, they trust the prospective victim. Of course the narcissist does not trust but conveys the idea that the prospective victim is trusted so as to accord with the empathic traits of the prospective victim. This comment is saying to the prospective victim, “I know you are good, decent, trusting and kind and I think all of those things are wonderful. I also know that you will now want to look after me, protect me and treat me right in order to live up to this standard which I have already set with regard to how you should behave. I know you want to prove yourself to me and I know you will not fall short in doing so because it is a matter of pride for you to discharge these empathic obligations in my direction.”
The narcissist comes as supposedly meek and fragile, a hurt individual in need of the soothing ministrations of the prospective victim and this person is only too happy to oblige. The prospective victim is drawn in and also provides fuel by way of compassion, sympathy and pity. Just what the Mid Range Narcissist wants and needs. It also provides the Mid Range Narcissist with a platform to explain more about how horrendously they were treated, the means by which to triangulate the former intimate primary source with the prospective replacement and also to smear the former primary source.
It should be noted that whilst this will most often be said to a prospective victim who the Mid Range Narcissist wants as their IPPS, it will also be said to those who are destined to be Shelf IPSSs or Dirty Secret IPSSs. It will be used with NISSs as well in order to engender sympathy and understanding (“My work has not been as good just recently as my confident was damaged by the tyrant of a boss I had in my previous job, but I know you will not behave like that.” Or, “I am quiet with groups because I was socially ostracised by someone who I thought was my best friend and it has made me wary of making new friends, but I sense things will be different with you, because you are different.”
This Heart Hook is an indicative pity play from the off and as such whilst used by all schools, you will find it utilised by the Mid Range Narcissists the most.
I will tell you later.
What did you feel when you read that sentence above after being drawn by the title of this article? Disappointment? Irritation? Annoyance? Amusement? A familiar tightness in the chest? A mixture of all of the above?
Future faking is a common manipulation used by all narcissists.
Lesser Narcissists – often, lacking in sophistication, instinctive, vague, can be of questionable provenance.
‘I want to see you again.’
‘I want to marry you.’
‘I will buy you that mansion’ (Even though the narcissist has no money and no job).
Mid Range Narcissists – often, subtle and more sophisticated, instinctive, more likely to be specific, more likely to be plausible
‘I want us to go on holiday this summer together, somewhere like the Maldives.’
‘I can see you and me as a married couple, I want to marry you in the Autumn next year by the latest.’
‘Start looking for that new car I will buy you, why not have a look at the Mercedes dealership over at Pleasantville?’
Greater Narcissists – infrequent (Greater Narcissists are more likely to deliver), greater sophistication, sometimes instinctive but usually calculated, highly plausible.
‘I have e-mailed you some houses to look at. I really like the fourth and sixth ones in the list. They are in the countryside so there will be room for the animals to roam as well, but not so far away as to make getting to work a chore. You have a look at it and let me know what you think. We can talk about this over dinner.’
What is Future Faking?
It is the imposition of control and acquisition of fuel in the NOW using a FUTURE event.
Read that sentence again.
It is the imposition of control and acquisition of fuel in the NOW using a FUTURE event.
Our victims find future faking upsetting, bewildering and infuriating. Why did he promise to marry me and never do it? Why tell me we would live together if he never intended to go through with it? Why arrange to have dinner with me and then fail to show up, not even texting me to say he could not make it?
There was never any intention to deliver on the original statement but you were conned into thinking that the intention was genuine.
Why were you conned?
- Future Faking is an easy manipulation to use because it relies on a spoken/written intent with no associated requirement to deliver. Thus it is very low in energy expenditure and as you know, we like to achieve the maximum outcome with the minimum expenditure of time, energy, money etc.
- You as an empathic victim operate on the basis that if you say you will do something, you will (unless there are exceptionally valid reasons) deliver on that promise. Therefore you expect others to operate to the same standard of behaviour. You are goaded into thinking that since the person you are entangled with is similar to you (because you do not know he or she is a narcissist) they will behave in the same way as you, i.e. deliver on the promise.
- Your emotional thinking wants you to continue to engage with the narcissist. Therefore it corrupts your empathic traits for example, Honesty, Love Devotee and/or Decency into believing that the narcissist will deliver on this stated intention because that is what honest and decent people do. We are neither honest or decent – you however do not know that or you fail to abide by the logic of knowing that when your emotional thinking soars. The former scenario occurs when you do not know that you are ensnared by a narcissist and therefore you are led into thinking this person will operate the same as you. The latter is when you know you are dealing with a narcissist and you know about future faking (or you do not know you are dealing with a narcissist but you have noted (logically and based on evidence) that this person keeps promising things and does not deliver) BUT notwithstanding this fix of logic, you fail to take heed of it because of soaring emotional thinking outweighing it. An example might be ‘This is the third time he has promised to take me to that new restaurant, but he blew me out the last two times. He was clearly sorry to have done so, I could tell, so I don’t think he will do it a third time.’
- The corruption of your Love Devotee trait would involve some grand romantic gesture and again your emotional thinking overrides logic. An example would be ‘I will take you to the Maldives next month’ You know he has no money and no job so how can he afford it, thus it is questionable that he could ever deliver on this but you fail to pay attention to this Future Faking by either
a. Thinking it is a lovely, romantic gesture and ignoring completely his lack of apparent resources to achieve this;
b. Thinking it is a lovely, romantic gesture, you are not sure how he will pay for it but he must mean it so he must have something up his sleeve to achieve this (savings, he has borrowed the money, he has a magic wand) ; or
c. You know he cannot deliver but you think the intent is sweet anyway and you do not mind that he cannot deliver. Indeed, you will end up paying instead or not go and you do not mind.
Future Faking is nothing to do with the narcissist changing his or her mind. It is nothing to do with you making a mistake, annoying the narcissist or messing things up so the promised event is not delivered (although of course a combination of our Blameshifting and your emotional thinking corrupting your empathic trait of Guilt) will make you think that you have derailed the opportunity to travel to the land of milk and honey.
When the Lesser or Mid Range Narcissist issues a promise or statement of intent with regard to some future event, whether it is ‘I will mow the lawn’ through to ‘I am taking you on a 90 day world cruise’ or from ‘I promise I will see you next Friday night’ through to ‘I am marrying you some day’. There is a very high risk that this is Future Faking. Occasionally there will be delivery (this is more likely in the seduction phase) but usually there is not.
The Lesser or Mid Range Narcissist means it when it is stated (thus when you suggest they are not going to deliver they will be mortally offended by this Challenge Fuel issued by you) and lash out in order to assert control. The original Future Faking statement is instinctively issued (and believed by the narcissist) in order to assert control you and to gain fuel. Thus
Narcissist : ‘I will call you tomorrow and we can arrange to go for dinner on Saturday night.’ (Future event, spoken statement (low energy) for the purpose of controlling the victim).
Shelf Intimate Partner Secondary Source Victim : ‘That would be great, I am really looking forward to seeing you again.’ (Control maintained in the instant, positive fuel gained)
Narcissist calls and converses and makes arrangement for Saturday night with victim. Control again maintained in the instant, victim’s pleased and enthusiastic responses provides positive fuel.
Saturday comes. The narcissist has a Hoover Trigger from a different Shelf IPSS and the Hoover Execution Criteria are met for him to hoover that appliance by going out for dinner with that person. This is because the narcissist had an instinctive need for control over that person in THAT MOMENT and there was no need for control over the First Shelf IPSS because that person was under control. The narcissist does not attend dinner with the First Shelf IPSS and does not even message to cancel because the narcissism does not deem it necessary. There is no emotional empathy therefore the narcissist does not instinctively feel behaving this way is ‘bad’ and should not be done. The narcissist may not have any cognitive empathy and no façade management, therefore there is no need to send a message cancelling. The narcissist is unaware that such a step would be seen as the polite thing to do. A narcissist who has cognitive empathy MIGHT send such a message cancelling the dinner IF the instinctive need for control deemed this an appropriate step, otherwise because of the sense of entitlement (the narcissist does whatever he or she wants, when he or she wants and with whoever he or she wants) and the innate lack of accountability ( I am not accountable to anybody for what I do) then the narcissist fails to turn up to the dinner date with the First Shelf and goes off with the Second Shelf because in THAT MOMENT this was the best outcome for the narcissist.
The fact that the First Shelf Victim may become angry with the narcissist is not at the forefront of the Lesser or Mid Range Narcissist’s mind. The consequences of that anger or upset are down the line and therefore not of importance. What matters is NOW, not yesterday, nor tomorrow, but NOW. The narcissist will deal with the collateral consequence of his failure to turn up as he sees fit and when he sees fit (again sense of entitlement, lack of emotional empathy and lack of accountability). This might be issuing an excuse claiming the First Shelf never confirmed with the narcissist (Blameshifting and the Revision of HIstory), focusing on something else (Deflection) or ignoring the First Shelf (Silent Treatment) . These are further manipulations. The anger of the stood up First Shelf Victim manifests as Challenge Fuel and the response of the narcissist (whether active or not) is a manipulation instinctively occasioned for the purposes of asserting control again by quelling the challenge (and gaining fuel to boot).
The narcissist does not change his mind. Consciously (when Lesser or Mid Range) he meant to deliver BUT unconsciously his narcissism meant he is highly unlikely to because it is not about the achieving of the future event (which is what victims mistakenly focus on) it is all about achieving control NOW and this is used by referring to a future event to achieve that, hence future faking. The Greater will either issue the promise and deliver (having greater resource ands ability to do so) or issue the promise knowing there will be no delivery (calculated future faking) because the Greater deems this the best allocation of resources in order to achieve control and fuel.
For the majority of you, you will have encountered this from a Lesser or Mid Range Narcissist and it is instinctive, frequent and all about controlling you NOW by promising something later.
Dear Reverend Narc,
You think that you have them all fooled, don’t you?
You charm the deaconesses every Sunday with your yellowed crooked smile, shake hands with the deacons and fellow pastors, act as the worship leader, prayer warrior, guest greeter, offering preparer. Give the eulogies at funerals, officiate at weddings, teach Bible study and Sunday School, dance on the altar, play for the choirs, close your eyes and raise your hands to the Lord.
What a farce! What a fake! What a fabricator! You will burn in hell in the hottest section. You forget that you CANNOT fool God, who knows all about your duplicity, your lies and your masks! He knows that I was the fourth wife of your six marriages. Two ex-wives were “hoovered back” and married you twice! Really? You are no doubt working on wife number five, marriage number seven since I have gone “No Contact” for almost one year now.
I fell completely head over heels in love with you in such a short time because you “rescued” me after a disappointing marriage, and it was so easy for me to love you because you were my first boyfriend whom I adored at sixteen! I never knew what a monster you were (even then), and still are. I only found out about what you truly were after I divorced you following two and one half years of hell on earth.
I will NEVER FORGET that demonic stare, that narcissistic rage, that irascible fury! You were such an abusive excuse for a man, husband and father! No wonder all of your other ex-wives left you for other men, and your daughter from marriage number four wants absolutely nothing to do with you.
You cursed me out, threatened to burn my parents’ house down because my mother offered my ex somewhere to live on a temporary basis, had me in tears innumerable times (I’ll never forget that time in Atlantic City on the beach at 10 ‘o’clock on a Sunday night when you told me if I really loved you I did not need to talk with my mother about moving to Afghanistan if you got that civilian position, or right before Christmas 2011 when you made me choose between my mother and you as to where I should spend Christmas Day?) On both occasions I was sobbing like a child who has cried so hard that they can’t seem to catch their breath.
You ruined birthdays, holidays, vacations, trips to the zoo, even our honeymoon when I had the audacity to ask you about a tour while you were counting our spending money! Do you remember that Sunday morning (right before church) that you got angry with me because I had forgotten to take the double lock off of the hotel room door? We were on our way to church. Do you remember that Sunday morning when you yelled at me on your front steps because I defied your mandated order by not agreeing to be dropped off at church without you? Again, we were on our way to church.
I thank God every day that I gathered the strength and the courage to escape from you – Satan personified. Have a nice life, and look forward to your eternal damnation in Hell Rev!
Understanding the relevant school and cadre of empath that you belong to is an integral part of arming yourself so that you effect a GOSO Campaign (Get Out, Stay Out) with the maximum effectiveness.
Recognising where you belong with regard to one of the four schools of empath and then the relevant cadre not only aids you in learning more about yourself and how your school and cadre attracts particular narcissists, it will weaponise you in your quest to GOSO and also assist you in evading narcissists in the future.
This consultation is conducted through the provision of a protocol which is straightforward and provides confidentiality between the parties. A questionnaire is provided which elicits a broad range of information about you and your behaviours to enable me to then analyse your responses and provide you with an accurate and easy to understand response through an audio sound file.
Ensuring you know what you are means you will avoid the mistakes that occur with self-analysis through lacking objectivity. It will ensure you do not embark on courses of action which are suited to different schools and it also enables you to plug the gaps in your own defences and achieve GOSO sooner and with less effort.
- Please effect payment using the PayPal button below. Your financial details are not seen.
- You will then be sent the Common Sense Protocol and the Empath Detector Questionnaire.
- You complete the Empath Questionnaire and e-mail this to email@example.com . Please keep your response to 1200 words and under. If you need to exceed this you can obtain additional word bundles at US $ 40 per 500 words required to cover the additional reading and consideration time. Please advise if you require this in addition.
- I will analyse your information and then provide you with your school and cadre of empath with explanation within 96 hours of receipt of the questionnaire through a report identifying the relevant elements applicable to your school and cadre and determining your prevailing school and prevailing cadre, based on the answers and information that you have provided..
If you have any further questions about the consultation, do e-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org to learn more.