Go on then, tell them all what has happened to you? Go on, here, take my phone and ring my parents, my family and my friends. Ring my colleagues too. Telephone the golf club in fact why don’t you take out an advertisement in a local, no, make it a national newspaper and tell everybody about how badly you have been treated? Climb on the roof and shout it to the neighbourhood, tell everyone who calls at our door and bellow it to strangers as they walk past. Do it, go on, tell them about. Announce it, broadcast it, transmit it, send it out by mail, e-mail ,message and radio signal. Have it blaring from the radio, repeatedly playing on television, hell I will even let you strap a message to a flock of pigeons and you can let them deliver the news that way. Scrawl how badly you have been treated by me on a piece of paper and wrap it around a brick and hurl it through the window at the police station. Scream it long and loud until you are hoarse. Go on, tell them, tell them all.

Tell my parents about their successful son who has studied hard, achieved brilliant results and now excels at work about what I do? Why don’t you gather all my friends around here and announce to them what a bastard I am? I am sure they will be intrigued to listen to you saying that about their loyal and dependable friend who always makes time for them and has helped them out in repeated ways through his largesse and influence. Pop next door and bang on their front door, explain to them with your wild eyes and even wilder hair what has really been happening? After all, I only every show them friendship and politeness don’t I? I don’t think they have heard me shouting at you (I wait until they are away before I raise my voice) but I know they have heard you ranting and bawling. Go to the local shopping parade and mention to the pleasant lady at the bakery what I really get up to behind closed doors. I am sure she will love to hear you tell her all about the charming man who is her best customer and has arranged for her to supply the restaurant of two of my friends. Call my brother and give him chapter and verse. Oh you can’t because he won’t answer the ‘phone to you anymore will he? I know, head down to the gym and see if you can interest any of the regulars with a hysterical rant about the chap who they all say hello to and who works out quietly and regularly. Type out a memo for my colleagues and circulate it to them. I am sure they will be interested to read all about their boss who holds the keys to their future. Declare it to the group I attend football with, they will want to know all about what I do won’t they? What’s that? These are all my people. At last you have recognised the truth of the matter in between your vile outbursts and hateful comments. I know then, ring up your sister and see what she has to say, mind you, I daresay you won’t want to give her the satisfaction after the way she came on to me would you? Tell your friends all about it. Oh wait, they are now my friends and all they have ever seen is how happy I have made you, the gifts, the trips, the presents and the love. What about the vicar? He will listen to you I am sure. It is what he does after all although what he will make of such slander against a regular attendee at his sermons and generous charity donor remains to be seen.

Do it, grab a loudspeaker, create a banner, haul a message behind an aeroplane and write it in the sand on the beach. Do it in this frenzied manner with words spilling from your twisted mouth, a word salad which makes no sense. I am sure the staccato way you spit out your accusations will be well-received. Make sure they look deep into your crazy eyes when you are talking to them, I want them to see who they are really dealing with. Tell your father will you? Ha, he has put up with this for years and was glad to see you leave home, he told me himself. He knows what a drama queen you are and as for your mother well she hates confrontation and she adores me since she knows just how much I have done for you.

Go on, beat your tiny fists about that façade, see if you can punch some holes in it although I know you will not be able to. Shout and stamp and holler all you like. I will enjoy watching you do that and there will be no favourable outcome for you. You are the crazy one and you are trying to unseat the stable, rational, dependable and ultimately far more likeable me. But you keep trying, it amuses and fuels me as your bloodied hands slap against the façade with no effect and your voice becomes no more than a rasp. I will watch as the hope fades in your eyes to be replaced by fear and incomprehension. Keep trying though, keep going and reinforce what I have already indoctrinated them to believe. They believe me. They won’t believe you.

 

Next to nobody knows that they have been ensnared by a narcissist the first time that it happens. Indeed, in some cases the victim has no awareness until the second, third or even fourth occasion when this happens. The awakening moment usually occurs post-escape or more usually post-disengagement. This means that the opportunity to express this new found knowledge is reduced ; either because you are now maintaining no contact or the narcissist has disappeared (for the time being) with a new victim in his or her grip. Accordingly, the opportunity to confront the narcissist to tell them that he or she is a narcissist is reduced and I have written separately about what the resultant effect is where you declare ‘No! You Are The Narcissist’.

What is more likely to happen is that the victim recognises that they are being abused or if they do not use that word, they do at least realise that the way they are being treated in a way which is wrong, unpleasant or disrespectful. There are of course a whole host of reasons why the victim may fail to recognise what is happening to them and indeed act on any awareness that does occur, but those are points to address in a separate article.

If you realise that you are being abused, what will happen when you turn to the abusive narcissist and tell them that are an abuser and that they are engaging in abusive behaviour with you.

The Lesser Narcissist

The Lesser Narcissist will not deny the behaviour that you complain of. The Lesser tends to use physical violence, sexual violence, verbal violence and property destruction as the main methods of implementing abuse and exerting control. This is because the Lesser operates in a rudimentary fashion through the sudden explosion of heated fury. Make a point to a Lesser that he or she does not like, you can expect, as a minimum to be treated to the eloquent response of “fuck off”, a punch to the face or quite possibly both. Unrefined, vulgar and crass, the response of the Lesser to being wounded or the need to exert control is to lash out in a bullying and obvious manner.

Should you tell a Lesser Narcissist that he or she is an abuser, you will generate two responses which are similar in nature. If you make this allegation in a neutral manner (thus free of fuel) it will wound the Lesser because he realises that it is critical of his behaviour and therefore this wounding will result in an ignition of fury. Thus heated fury follows and you will find yourself on the receiving end of the types of violence which I have described above.

More likely, when you tell the Lesser Narcissist that he is an abuser, you will do so in a way which provides Challenge Fuel. You will probably be upset, hurt, frustrated or angry when you level this accusation at the Lesser Narcissist. This means you are providing fuel. Nevertheless, the Lesser Narcissist will interpret your allegation as one which is challenging his or her entitlement to treat you precisely as he or she sees fit. Remember, in our eyes, you are an object, a possession and we are entitled to treat you as we want. Do not forget that we have a huge need to control and abuse is a significant method of control. Again, in our world, the need to maintain control and the fact that abuse facilitates control results in its validation. Finally, add into the mix that the Lesser has no empathy whatsoever. Your challenging of our perceived right, the challenge to our entitlement, the paranoia-stoked rebellion to our necessary controlmeans that if you scream at the Lesser Narcissist that he is a hateful, abusive bastard means you issue Challenge Fuel. His response will be

a. He instinctively recognises there is more fuel to be obtained here and therefore the simplest way to gather that precious fuel is to provoke you; and

b. You are challenging his superiority and your insurrection must be quashed.

Since the Lesser operates in a rudimentary fashion, his or response will be to give you another dose of the abusive behaviour to ‘get you back into line’.  The Lesser never explains, never justifies – he or she just does because he or she is entitled to do this and if you do not like it, tough shit. In the same way that a Lesser will state an opinion and all who disagree are automatically labelled as idiots and morons (without explaining why they are), the Lesser responds in an automatic and knee-jerk manner based on their unwavering belief that they are right and entitled.

The Lesser does not recognise that this behaviour is wrong. It is your fault. You deserve this behaviour. He or she cannot empathise with your pain and hurt, instead he or she will only see the need to increase it in order to exert control and gain more fuel. The Lesser does not actually address the allegation in any way which you recognise as dealing with it, but instead will launch a verbal attack against you to deflect from your allegation, to put you in your place and to increase your misery. A fist will be driven into your face or your will be shoved to the floor and given two swift kicks. You ought to know your place and that is one of submission. If you tell a Lesser Narcissist that he or she is an abuser, expect an aggressive response designed to quell your rebellious accusation.

The Mid RangeNarcissist will adopt a defensive response to any accusation of him or her being an abuser. Just like the Lesser, the manner in which you make the allegation will either cause wounding or (more often) the provision of Challenge Fuel. Being far more passive aggressive in nature, the Mid Range Narcissist will not lash out with a “more of the same is good for you” attitude that the Lesser adopts, but rather they will continue the abusive behaviour through defending their reputation and justifying their behaviour. This operates as follows :-

1. “I am not an abuser, how can you say that?” The Mid Range Narcissist believes that he or she is a decent person. That is their true perspective and therefore it just does not ‘compute’ that they could be labelled as an abuser because it does not accord with their own view of themselves. There is no insight. Further, not only has the comment offended their view of themselves, but it also offends their view that they have always been ‘good’ to you, when you are asked how you can say that.
2. “I know you get upset with me at times but that is because you over react.” The key response of the Mid Range Narcissist to being accused of abusive behaviour is to automatically blame-shift. Notice how they do not deny that the act has happened but rather it is your response which is the key to the Mid Ranger being able to avoid any culpability. It is again your fault. Whereas the Lesser lets you know that it is your fault just because it is, the Mid Ranger will at least tell you why it is your fault

“You are too sensitive.”

“You take too much to heart.”

“Don’t be silly, you read too much into things.”

Thus the narcissist dilutes the effect of the behaviour by suggesting it is the perspective of the victim which is the problem and not the narcissist.

3. If the Mid Range Narcissist does not suggest that it is the perspective of the victim that is the issue, then they will blame-shift in a further way by glossing over the abusive behaviour and instead focusing on the victim as being the catalyst for the abuse and therefore it cannot be the fault of the Mid Ranger. He or she does not necessarily deny that the behaviour has taken place, but their automatic need to maintain the upper hand means that their perspective ensures that the victim is the one who is blamed. Accordingly,

“I know you get upset when I do not speak to you, but if you let me have some peace and quiet rather than nagging me all of the time, I would not have to do it.”

“I slapped you because you were out of order shouting at me the way you did, that is no way to talk to your husband.”

4. The Mid Ranger also deflects by ignoring the abusive behaviour (again not denying it has taken place) but removes any validity of the accusation by deflecting and does so by pointing out all of the good things that the Mid Ranger does for the victim. There is also a good dose of projection in these responses too.

“I cannot believe you pick on one minor incident where I lost my temper after all of the things I have done for you recently.”

“I find it a bit much for you to accuse me of such behaviour when I have been working my nuts off to provide for this household. That really is not fair. Do you know how much pressure I have been under as of late?”

“I said those things because they are true and you don’t appreciate anything I do for you, nothing at all. You always seize on the one thing which I apparently do wrong and castigate me for it whilst you ignore all of the really good things that I do. How is that fair?”

5. The False Mea Culpa. The Mid Range Narcissist may well acknowledge that what they have done is unpleasant and hurtful and rather than blame-shift on to the victim as described above, they transfer culpability to something else.

“I don’t know what came over me, I think someone must have spiked my drink.”

“I have no idea why I did that, it must be all the pressure at work.”

“That’s not me that does that, it is like, it is like there is some demon or something which takes over from time to time. I need some help, will you help me?”

“I know there is something wrong with me, I just cannot help it, it isn’t the real me, I want to stop it, I will see someone about it and together we can conquer it.”

Notice how there is no accountability, it is some other ‘force’ or event which has caused the aberrant behaviour. The Mid Range Narcissist also deflects from what they have done by making it all about them in terms of them being a tortured soul, needing help, needing the support of the victim. This apparent contrition not only regularly cons the victim (because it is not genuine but is just a further manipulation) but it also results in plenty of fuel for the Mid Range Narcissist as he is “fussed” over by the victim and third parties.

The bottom line with the Mid Range Narcissist is that they will never accept they are an abuser. They are not programmed to do that as they have no emotional empathy. They might understand how their conduct is considered as ‘wrong’ by you and other people, because of their increased cognitive function but their disorder will not allow them to accept accountability for it. If they did, they would lose control and lose fuel and therefore they are automatically conditioned to reject any suggestion of culpability or accountability for the abuse.

The victim will be suckered into thinking either it is their fault (they over-reacted, they have been getting on the Mid Ranger’s back more recently (yes, with justification but they are dissuaded from seeing it that way) or that the Mid Ranger recognises and accepts they have abused the victim. Typically, rather than get away having (apparently) secured the truth (as a truth seeker) the victim stays in the hope of securing the healing of the abuser which they long for (alongside all of the other reasons why a victim remains with an abusive narcissist).

The Mid Ranger will maintain the façade that he or she is a good person, blame-shift and then if necessary created waves of sympathy for their behaviour whilst still not accepting they are to blame for it.

The Greater Narcissistknows the behaviour is abusive and sees it as entirely necessary to the fulfilment of his or her aims, namely control, and The Prime Aims. The Greater Narcissist also lacking emotional empathy, guilt or remorse sees what they do as a function. The Greater Narcissist knows what they are doing but the overriding need for control and superiority means that it is entirely acceptable to abuse.

Of course, the aware Greater Narcissist recognises that to make such an admission to the victim is a foolish one as this would cede control to the victim, something which must not happen. The Greater Narcissist adopts a triumvirate approach to any allegation that he or she is an abuser

1. Total Rejection.
2. Misperception.
3. Threat

Through Total Rejection, the Greater Narcissist will just dismiss the allegation. Able to control his or her ignited fury with a far greater degree of control, the glacial Greater will just wave a hand and tell the victim

“That’s not abuse, punching somebody is abusive, what I did, is not abuse.”

“Don’t be so silly, I do not abuse you. Does an abuser take someone to the premiere of the new Bond movie and the after performance party? No they do not.”

The Greater is able to do this because he or she control their ignited fury, the fact that they speak and operate with a supreme confidence and conviction and because the nature of the abuse doled out by the Greater is done in such a calculated, insidious and mind-fucking manner that the victim (with eroded self-worth and reduced critical thinking) is easily led to the conclusion that it cannot be abuse. The Greater acts with plausible deniability. There are no marks from the kick to the lower back that a Lesser would leave. No finger tip bruising from the Mid Range hand about the neck. No witnesses, no observers, no evidence. Your word versus ours.

Misperception is also used. Greaters enjoy gas lighting you as the finesse and skill required appeals to our more sophisticated approach to abuse. Of course whilst we see this as an almost noble way to abuse you, it remain abuse nevertheless.

“Don’t be silly darling, that never happened.”

“We must get you back to the doctors, you are hallucinating again.”

“I told you not to mix that medication and vodka, see what it has done? It has you thinking horrible things about you and me.”

Events never happened, actions have been perceived by you inaccurately. Throw in the game-playing of our Coterie and our Lieutenants and you will find yourself in a dizzying and disorientating nightmare where the abuse never did happen because of your mistaken perception.

Finally, threat will be used. Here, the ever confident Greater will admit that the abuse has happened but makes it very clear with an accompanying reptilian smile that if you ever breath a word of it to anybody else then the resulting repercussions will be a hundred times worse than what you have experienced before. The jet-black eyes fixed on you and the steady delivery of such a threat readily convinces you that this is the case. Having experienced the abuse and also being well-aware of what the Greater is capable of, the Greater’s admission gets you no further forward. Instead, you may think you have gained some power through achieving this admission, but you actually have a sword of Damocles hanging over your head now, reminding you of the threat attached to acquiring this power. In reality, it is not power at all.

With regard to the issue of abuse, it is pointless to try and gain acknowledgement from the abuser. You will not receive validation and instead you will face further abuse and manipulation.

If you require validation as to what is happening to you, rely on your gut instinct and read Manipulated, Devil’s Toolkit and Black Flag as within those pages you will find all the confirmation you require which will give you the logic to move to the next stage of countering and escaping that abuse,

1. After everything that I have done for you.

How can you leave me after everything that I have done for you? I gave you the world and now you have thrown back in my face. I of course only gave you everything because I wanted something from you. I did not give you my all because I loved you. I gave you so much because I wanted everything from you and I was so close to taking everything from you. Now that you are trying to escape me, you are suggesting that I have failed and that I am not brilliant nor magnificent and I cannot stand for that to be the case. I want to blackmail you into staying. All that I gave you were not gifts, they were bribes and now it is time for you to earn them, so you had better damn well stay.

2. But we belong together.

We do belong together because I own you. I bought you with my false affection and dishonest love. I attached you to me and bound you in chains that are long and thick and you dare try to cast off those shackles. I do not know where you end and I begin. You thought that was romantic the first time I told it you but I was actually telling you a rare truth. You and I are one because you are subsumed into what I am, I consume you, I envelope you and I control you. You cannot walk away from me now because we are too enmeshed, too attached and too conjoined. You are tearing me in half. There is no you. You gave that up when you allowed yourself to be drawn towards me and bound so tight to me that you became part of me. What has been joined together can now not be undone.

3. I will die without you.

You cannot leave me because if you do you shall surely tear my poor heart from out of me. That is suitably dramatic and is designed to pull on your heartstrings even though I am telling you that this is how brutal and heartless you are in trying to end our relationship. I cannot allow this to happen because I have not finished my seduction of your replacement and if you go now you will take away my precious fuel before the new source has come online. This will leave me panicked, chaotic and driven into a frenzy in order to gather fuel from other sources, if I am able to that is. If I cannot I will no longer exist and it is all because of your selfish, wicked behaviour. How can you cut me down like this? How can you slay me in such a callous fashion? Heartless harpy, seditious slattern and callous crone that you are.

4. I cannot help what I do.

You cannot leave me just because of what I have done and what I have not done. How is that fair? I thought you were a fair person, open-minded and caring, are you not? I doubt it now as you are intent from getting away from me and all because of the way I have treated you. Look I am sorry, really I am, but I cannot help it. You make me that way with the things that you do. No, I am not trying to push the blame on to you, I am explaining it to you if you would at least listen to me. How can I explain that it is just something that happens when you are walking away from me? I never intended for it to happen you know, it just happens and you should be the one apologising to me because you make me lose my temper with your control and the games you play,you are doing it now you fucking bitch, I hate you, do you hear me? I hate you. It is your fault. Not mine. I can’t help it.

5. Why do you want to spoil everything?

I really do not understand you at times. I mean, what do you have to complain about? We live in a beautiful house, you have an expensive car, a platinum Amex and I let you do whatever you want but still it is never enough is it? Yes, I know I sometimes i have to lay down the law but if I didn’t you would spend us out of existence. Do you know how hard I have had to work to build all of this? It doesn’t just spring up overnight and I did it for us. You have used me. I welcome you into my life and this is how you repay me by spoiling our idyllic life. You would be nothing without me, do you know that? You have a fantastic life, all provided by me, there are hundreds of other women who would give their right arm to be with someone like me and you are going to throw it all away and leave. I knew there was something not right with you, you need help,you are insane. Ask anyone and they will agree with me.

6. Who will help me now?

You cannot leave me, who else is going to help me? I have kept you here under figurative lock and key, a virtual prisoner in your own home because not only do I need you to fuel me but I need you to mother me. That was the agreement when we got together. I would feed you false love and fraudulent gratitude and in return you would cook for me, clean this house, wash my clothes, cut my toenails and wash my hair. You would wait on me hand and foot and be at my beck and call. I cannot do all of these things on my own and I haven’t got the energy to find someone at such notice with you leaving. You are such an awful person, to leave me like this, especially when I am ill. Who on earth does that to someone? You should think of others and not just yourself you selfish cow.

7. Don’t go, I will change. I promise.

You really are going to go aren’t you? Good Lord, I didn’t see that coming. I thought you were good for another six months of abuse and mistreatment before you somehow plucked up the courage to try and escape me. I don’t like to admit it but you have caught me out and now I am concerned, I can feel the control slipping away from me and I have to get it back, I have to stop you. A crack around the face has worked in the past but something in your eyes tells me that even giving you a good hiding won’t stop you going, even if you have to crawl out of that front door. I know, I will throw myself on your mercy. You will like that. You have always been trying to save me, well here is your chance. I will change. I will get help. Just please do not go. Of course I mean it. I will do anything to stop you going and taking my precious fuel away from me and making me look a fool in front of all my adoring admirers. I cannot have that happen so yes, I will get some treatment, I know I have done wrong and this time, more than ever, I will change. I swear it on the lives of anyone who springs to mind so it seems like I really mean it. Of course I don’t, why should I change? The only thing that will change is my primary source of fuel but that is not ready yet so you need to stay. Please. I will change. Don’t go.

You have been invited to a social event. Perhaps it is a birthday party, a wedding anniversary dinner, a BBQ or drinks at a friends. You are no longer in a Formal Relationship with the narcissist, but you know that he is likely going to be there. It might be that a mutual friend feels it is only fair to invite you both, it might be that you both said yes before the Formal Relationship ended. It may be the case that you have received confirmation that the narcissist is going to attend. What do you do?
For most, this situation creates anxiety, dread and an immediate desire to not attend. However, you may not want to (or even feel you can) let down the host. It may also be the case that you are determined not to let the narcissist ‘get one over you’ by you crying off, no matter how upset and perplexed you remain, how hurt or angry you are. You have drawn a line in the sand and decided you will now make the decisions as to what you do or do not do and you will not take the narcissist into account any longer.
Whether determined or dread-filled, there will be anxiety and apprehension as to what is going to happen when you are in close proximity again, perhaps for the first time since the Formal Relationship. What can you expect to happen and what can you do? There are numerous scenarios to consider.
The Hoover Trigger and the Hoover Execution Criteria
You should note that seeing you again post dis-engagement or post escape amounts to a hoover opportunity and therefore whether the hoover will be executed against you depends on the Hoover Trigger and the Hoover Execution Criteria. It is therefore worth a brief moment examining this as this will be applicable to the various scenarios which I will determine below.
Note whether you were the Intimate Partner Primary Source (“IPPS”), Shelf Intimate Partner Secondary Source (“IPSS”) or The Dirty Little Secret (“DLS”) the fact that you are attending the event amounts to a Hoover Trigger ( seeThe Spheres of Influence ) . Accordingly, the Hoover Trigger is activated. Consideration must then be given to the HEC and whether the hoover bar will be lowered or raised.
The fact that we are in close proximity to you, either sat at the same table, in the same room or at the same event means that there is very easy access to you, this means that the Hoover Bar will be lowered considerably;
What happened the last time we interacted? If you have no fuel or very little (and this has happened when we have sought to hoover you on previous occasion post cessation) then this will raise the hoover bar. If you gave fuel on previous occasions post cessation or we recall you gave a lot of fuel during the Formal Relationship then the hoover bar will be lowered;
What type of narcissist are we? The Greater means the bar is lowered, Mid-Range or Lesser and the Hoover Bar is raised slightly;
Are there any obstacles? Are you there with a new intimate partner? If so, this raises the bar (note this has no effect with a Greater);
Did you wound us the last time we engaged with you, for instance have you been ignoring us when we have hovered previously, did you escape from us, did you say or do something to wound us such as exposure? If there has been wounding, this will raise the hoover bar and make us wary. The greater the wounding, the higher the bar will go.
Will we have Lieutenants at this event? If so, this will lower the Hoover Bar as proxy hoovers are highly likely to test the ‘water’.
Thus these factors have to be taken all together to ascertain whether a hoover is likely or not. The more factors which lower the Hoover Bar the greater the likelihood of you being hovered and vice versa.
Post Dis-Engagement
The Former Intimate Partner Primary Source
If you were the Former Intimate Partner Primary Source and the HEC are met then you will be hoovered. If we attend with a new IPPS (which is highly likely if you have been dis-engaged from) then you can expect us to parade this new person, make a great show of introducing them to other people whilst casting glances in your direction to check that you are seeing this show. We will talk loudly, laugh more than other people, be enthusiastic and ensure that you know we are there to heighten your discomfort.
Eventually we will approach you and introduce the new IPPS to you. You will be referred to as ‘someone that we used to know’ unless the IPPS knows you are a former IPPS. You can expect snide remarks, back-handed compliments and the like as we will not lash out (the façade is present of course) but we want to draw a reaction from you in order to gain fuel. We will appear pleasant but this is just to mask making you feel uncomfortable and anxious. Expect plenty of one-upmanship:-
“This is Former IPPS, she is in sales, this is New IPPS she manages a sales force of thirty people for Blue Chip Inc.”
“Oh hello, I am surprised to see you, I thought you were unwell, at least that is what I had been told. This is New IPPS, we have just come back from a weekend at the Hamptons.”
If we turn up without the IPPS (which could happen) then we will act in a similar way in showing off, showing you that we are contented, happy, living life to the full. Our new IPPS will be mentioned in glowing terms so you are within earshot. We will make our way around to you eventually and hoover you by speaking to you and appearing polite if other people are there, but largely dismissive of you. If there is nobody else listening and it is just us and you, then we will issue subtle malign hoovers in the hope of driving you to the toilets crying, reminding you of why we kicked you to one side. The higher the narcissist, the nastier these comments will be as your vulnerabilities and hurt are shoved in your face:-
“I see you are not with anyone. Hardly a surprise, you were lucky to have had me, but then you fucked that up with your hysterics.”
“I didn’t think Stacey would have invited you after the way you have been carrying on.”
“You look like you have gained ten pounds since I last saw you. All that comfort eating I guess.”
“Why haven’t you made an effort? This must be the tenth time I have seen you in this dress. Do you like my new shirt?”
“You are actually lucky new IPPS isn’t here, you’d have felt stupid next to her. Thank God I got rid of you.”
“I have had a bet with my Lieutenants that you will be drunk and blowing some waiter in the car park by midnight. I have fifty pounds riding on you, so don’t let me down. For once.”
The aim will be to draw fuel and of course any malign comments will be denied and you will be made to appear as a liar and/or hysterical.
The Shelf Intimate Partner Secondary Source
If you are currently on the shelf and we are there with the new IPPS, we will hoover you and it will be done in a benign way. We want to keep you available for taking off the shelf again at some future point and see no need to be malign. If you react unpleasantly to seeing us with someone else we will make great play of highlighting your jealousy and our entitlement
“We had a few dates but she became obsessed and wouldn’t let me alone. She seemed to think we were an item and I could not see someone else. I made it clear that was not the case but she is obviously crazy and has the wrong idea.”
You can expect you will be devalued in the exchange and then we will move away from you with the IPPS and you will then be dis-engaged with. You have just lost your shelf status.
If our IPPS is not with us, we will ensure that we keep you onside, we will downplay any suggestion from you (or more likely a third party) that we are with someone in order to ensure we can pick you up in the future if we so choose. However, as above, if you react badly to any suspicion we have an IPPS then we will devalue you and you will be dis-engaged from. You can expect that we will spend the evening occupied with giving you malign hoovers in order to draw fuel from you in the absence of the IPPS.
If the IPPS is not with us and you are pleasant throughout, we will hoover you in a benign way. We will not look to engage in any intimacy with you (since we have the new IPPS) but it makes sense for us to continue to keep you onside and draw positive fuel from you during the evening.
If you are not on the shelf and instead you were a Former Shelf IPSS who we dis-engaged from, then we are unlikely to engage direct with you because there will be a concern that you will cause trouble with our new IPPS. Accordingly, we will make great show of our new IPPS and ensure you notice (see above) so we gain some fuel but we will not introduce you to this new person (as part of continuing the Dis-Engagement Devaluation). We want to upset you and draw fuel from you, from a distance. If you decide to engage with us we will be polite and move away with the new IPPS. If you are awkward or unpleasant, expect a malign response from us, the utilisation of Lieutenants against you and smearing.
If you are not on the shelf and are a Former Shelf IPSS who we dis-engaged from and we have not attended with a new IPPS, then we will speak to you and be polite in order to gain positive fuel from you. Our hoovering will be benign for the purposes of gaining fuel but we will not attempt any intimacy (because we have the new IPPS). If you start to become troublesome, we will turn malign, smear and mobilise Lieutenants against you.
Dirty Little Secret
If you are a former dirty little secret that we have dis-engaged from then different considerations apply.
If we get wind before the event that you are attending it is extremely likely that we will hoover you BEFORE the event in order to warn you against attending. We may begin doing so on the basis of not wanting to hurt your feelings because we will be attending with the IPPS and therefore hope to dissuade you from attending. It has nothing to do with your feelings but instead we do not want you there because we are concerned you will cause a problem with the new IPPS as we will have been engaging with you when they were a Candidate IPSS and we do not want to risk them learning that this was the case. If the ‘pleasant’ approach does not dissuade you, we will issue you with threats and tell you that the host does not want you there and only invited you out of a sense of obligation (we may try to persuade the host not to invite you or tell you not to come).
If you still attend and we are there with the new IPPS we will stay out of your way. We will parade the IPPS around but not as blatantly as described above and we will be keeping an eye on your reactions ensuring that you do not cause us a problem with the new IPPS. You can expect baleful glares from afar and warning expressions. If possible, we may take you to one side and warn you to keep away or else.
If you try to engage with us and the new IPPS and do so politely without causing a problem, we will reciprocate. If you start to cause problems, we will either lash out in a malign manner (within the parameters of the façade of course) or we will withdraw telling the IPPS we are unwell or you are a stalker and it is better to leave. You will then receive malign hoovers thereafter for your audacity.
If we attend without the IPPS then we will not dissuade you beforehand. We will be unlikely to hoover because we see nothing to be gained from doing so (and we do not want anybody telling our IPPS that we were seen engaging with you). If you approach us, we will engage with you in a benign manner and it is likely that you will behave in such a way also because there is no IPPS. However, if you remain bristling because you were dis-engaged from and you start to question us or cause difficulties, we may well move you to one side to keep you under control and preserve the façade. If this is not working we will issue you with threats, smear you and use Lieutenants to draw negative fuel from you and nullify your attempts to smear and expose us.
Part Two will examine the above scenarios when you have escaped us.
Part Three will explain what you can do to protect yourself in these scenarios.

You are never immune to our kind. You will ALWAYS be susceptible to us because of your innate addiction to our kind. You cannot remove it and thus you will not achieve immunity. You must therefore always be resisting.

You can don the armour to protect yourself as fashioned through my works, but that armour does not give you permanent invulnerability. All armour must be updated, maintained and checked otherwise the shield splits, the chainmail links weaken and the breastplate shatters more readily.

If you think that you are immune to us, you are succumbing to emotional thinking. It wants you to think that you are immune because if that is what you think, then guess what you will do? You will either want to test your immunity or you will believe that you can engage with us in some way and therefore you are doing precisely what your emotional thinking wants you to do. It wants you to engage with us and it will find whatever way it can to make you do that.

You are not immune. You may very well be able to take a telephone call from us and not react to what we say you may even feel nothing for us – no pity, no love or no hate. That time. You may be able to take that second telephone call from us and feel the same way, but because you are not immune, the more you engage with us – whether this is thinking about us, talking about us, spending time with us – you will eventually fall prey to your emotional thinking to a greater extent.

The very fact you are engaging with us when you think that you are immune, means that your  emotional thinking is working, because of course logic would tell you that you have no need to engage with us. Why then are you doing it? Because I want to show myself I will not react, I will not get drawn back in. That is emotional thinking. You are engaging with us and several things arise from this which are problematic. They may not appear problematic to you, because during that telephone call you feel in control, you did not get upset, you do not feel anxious any more, you do not feel anything for us, but you are creating problems.

1. You will be providing us with fuel. It may be minimal but it will be there because you will not be able to maintain a neutral and flat tone throughout a conversation. Yes, you may be able to achieve this for a very short time and yes, you may not be giving much fuel, but it is there all the same. Thus, we are getting something we want.
2. You are not rejecting us. By speaking to us you have signalled that you will answer the phone and engage. You may not be enthusiastic but you answered nevertheless. This provides us with encouragement.
3. You are feeding your addiction and therefore your emotional thinking will want more and in its insidious way it will con you by telling you that you handled the call without any difficulty (it feels like this of course but it is not the case) and thus it will encourage you to do so again or encourage you to attend that social event where you know we will be there because you remain confident of being able to handle the situation. All you are doing is allowing the addiction to be fed and for the emotional thinking to surge until it overwhelms you (and it will) at a future point.
4. You may well be feeding us useful information in the course of the conversation which we can use to our advantage.

Accordingly, by thinking you are immune and therefore thinking you can engage safely with us, you are creating risks and problems.

You have no need to engage with us.

You have no need to test your immunity because you are not immune. Understand this.

Instead, you can build your resistance. You are resistant but not immune. Some of you have a very low resistance, others far higher, but whichever it is, this resistance, just like the functioning of your own resistance to disease, can erode and weaken. The easiest way for this to happen is by repeatedly exposing yourself to engaging with us. The more you do so, you do not build your resistance but you weaken it. Of course, as I have explained above, you think you are becoming more resistant because you have an encounter with us and you walk away head held high thinking you handled it well. Superficially, yes, but beneath the surface, the problems I have detailed above are forming, waiting and growing ready to ensnare you.

By obeying this golden rule, you will avoid the complacency and risk which comes with thinking you are immune. Instead you will recognise you have resistance, you will understand that his resistance can be made stronger and can also be made weaker, so that with that logic defence established in your mind, you will work harder to avoid complacency and the problems that come with that.

Some of your resistance will be innate, but the majority of resistance is that which is learned and applied. You increase your resistance through reading and understanding, through the imposition of a solid no contact regime, by applying a rigorous purging of the emotional infection so it is driven to the lowest level and by the building of Logic Defences. Combining all of those elements will heighten your resistance, minimise weakening it, reduce the risk of using your resistance unnecessarily (which is of course a consequence of the impact of emotional thinking) and means that when a hoover happens to get through unexpectedly, that when you have those ‘bad days’ when you pine for us, your resistance will not be found wanting and you will repel the hoover, you will reject the emotional thinking which is straining to make you contact us and you will ensure that your resistance remains intact. Do not voluntarily test it, that is giving in to emotional thinking and taking an unnecessary risk – save its strength for when it is really needed because those moments will indeed come.

By applying the cornerstone elements from the paragraph above, their maintenance becomes easier, more natural and more instinctive and thus less arduous for you. You do not need to maintain a state of heightened vigilance, for that becomes draining, you will create a more-readily maintained defensive regime. Doing so little and often becomes far easier than a sudden overhaul when it is too late, which is invariably when complacency has already become the traitor who is unlocking the castle gates.

You are not immune.

You are always resisting.

Remember this and that resistance will achieve freedom and maintain it.

 

You do not give up easily do you? We are pleased that this is the case. You try to resurrect what we once had. You will look to resuscitate our relationship. You want to breathe new life into you and me. You want to salvage what you can from the wreckage and build something anew. You will not let the life slip from what we have, you will not step out of the tangled and twisted remains and walk away. No, you try. You try to make it work, you try to see what can be done, you try to sort things out. You try to make everything right again, you try to make us happy, you try to please us, how you try to please us. You try to fix us, you try to banish these demons which plague us, you try to shed light and joy. You try when everything seems lost, you try when all seems pointless and you try despite everything else suggesting that what we are is a lost cause. You try because you believe in hope.

But what is this hope that has you trying on a superhuman scale, which has you wiping away the tears, picking yourself up, dusting yourself down and standing up once more to try to do the right thing? If you were not with our kind but someone normal and the relationship was foundering would you try as you do with us? Of course you would try and steer the good ship towards calmer waters but you would not try to the same extent as you do with us. Where two people find they no longer have anything in common, they may be content to leave matters as they are and drift along in neutrality. It is not heady and wonderful but neither is it awful. Is beige such a terrible place to be? There is security, the children have grown up and you have your separate interests. There is no hatred, far from it, but neither is there passion any longer, but something in the middle. This is deemed as acceptable and you are happy to trundle along in this manner. You do not try to rekindle those early days of your honeymoon period. In other instances, this mediocrity is found to be stifling. If you hear another gardening anecdote or incident at the bowling club, you will go spare. You want to travel and experience new things. Your other half is more interested in the home brew and the latest episode on television. There is no hatred, there is no passion but this time the middle is deemed suffocating and unacceptable. You do not try to rekindle what you once had but instead decide you want something else. You move on to something else, be it a single life with new pursuits or finding a new person who shares your interests. The separation is amicable, fair-minded and there is no turbulence. The relationship ran its course and you saw no reason to try to make it anything different.

Yet with us it is so different isn’t it? You try your absolute best to get things back on track, you try until you are shattered and exhausted, bewildered and confused. How can you not achieve what we once had again? Why is it so elusive? Yet you do not give up. You keep on trying. Again and again.

Such is the intoxicating power of the golden period, such is the addiction of this utterly falsified state of affairs, such is the massive attraction of that seemingly perfect love, you try your damnedest to resurrect it. Sometimes there is a glimmer of a return or even a brief sortie to that promised land once again and you know that your repeated trying has succeeded. It never lasts. It never stays. Still, you exhibit that indefatigable spirit as you try once more, looking to rekindle that special love we once had.

You even begin to sacrifice pieces of yourself in order to try to bring it back. You try to guess what we want all the time. You walk on those eggshells in order to avoid disrupting the fragile peace. You agree to do things you would never have countenanced once upon a time but hey, it is worth trying isn’t it? You decide to spend more time with us, sacrificing your relationships with your friends and with your family, but you have to try don’t you? You cannot be said to have not tried to make this work and if you had it once then surely you can get it again can’t you? You submit to more and more of our demands, demeaning yourself, degrading yourself and suffering our repeated denigrations but you convince yourself that this is all worth doing because you are trying to achieve a greater aim. You have hope that you will succeed and bring back that elusive golden period. You forgo invitations to events because you know it will displease us. You do not invite people to the house to avoid causing a disruption to the evening, since we want peace and quiet. You try not to say anything when we return late from who knows where. You try to remain silent when we spend hours staring into the screen on our laptops, tapping away, our minds somewhere else. You retreat, back-off and compromise, giving away more and more of yourself and your life as you try to succeed.

Thus here is the awful warped nature of being ensnared by us. In a normal relationship you may not try to the same extent because the excitement and passion was not as it was with us. Yet, this relationship is one where trying will bring about success. Yes, you won’t establish that paradise that exists when we seduce you, but it never actually existed to begin with. It is a fiction. However, trying to succeed with someone normal and healthy is entirely achievable. You will not, by contrast, ever succeed with us. You can try over and over and over again but for all this effort and endeavour you will not get what you want. What we once granted you will only ever be given again in small doses and then only as part of this continuing manipulation so that you remain in our grip so we can gather fuel until we throw you aside. No matter how determined you are, no matter how great your resolve, no matter the fact that you put every breath, every ounce of effort in to trying to make things work between you and us so everything is golden, it will never ever work. It cannot because you cannot control the golden period. Only we can and we choose who is granted it and when in accordance with our need for control and fuel.

Try to understand that.

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Heavy lies the crown that sits atop my head as I look out upon my kingdom. Inside my gilded tower I remain, behind those fearsome double doors that are locked four times and triple-barred. I sit on my throne which has been fashioned from the souls that I have stolen and bound to this edifice of dark steel and jagged glass. I hear the low moan of their captivity as I sit and regard my lands which stretch away north, east, south and west. From this vantage point I see all things and I am seen by all, reminding them of who I am and why I am their better. I am chosen to lead and rule and they must always exhibit suitable respect and loyalty to me or suffer the same fate of those who know provide my seat. I know there are pretenders out there who would seek, through their perfidious ways to storm my citadel and unseat me. I know their plans. I know their schemes of treason, their seditious whispers come my way, carried to me by my ever loyal crows that flit hither and thither spreading my dark message and feeding me the responses which I greedily feed on by way of much needed sustenance.

I know too well that there are those who would come like a thief in the night and seek with malicious aforethought to slit my throat and leave me bleeding to death, my life leaking from me from their numerous puncture wounds and thus I must maintain my defences and seek out these disloyal foes. I know their game and I have them in my eye. They cannot reach me here though. My dedicated Lieutenants guard the route to this citadel and they will reject all those who approach me with false intentions. I know they will not swerve from protecting their master for I fashioned them in my own image in order to enable them to fulfil their roles. Equipped with blackened weapons that slice and tear they will cut down any who dare to cause me harm. None are able to land that fatal blow against me though. I am wise to their plans of harm and assassination and I scent their scandalous treachery dripping like ichor from them as easily as I might detect the aroma of the lily or the honeysuckle.

Heavy lies the crown that rests upon my head for I bear the burden of many about me. It is not easy guiding and corralling those souls that look to me for protection and enlightenment. How they flock to my citadel when I stand at my balcony and allow them the grace of my golden rule. They bow down before me by their thousands their admiration and gratitude palpable and allowing me to drink deep of their worship. In return I ensure that these dedicated subjects experience a golden era, an epoch of bounty and elation and so they continue to gather beneath me on bended knee hoping for a glance of their most excellent ruler. It is no role for those of a faint heart. Those who lack fortitude cannot sit on this throne for only the mighty and the blessed are capable of seizing the hopes of a thousand thousand followers and allowing them their time in the sun. Only he who is venerated and of such elevation can provide such succour to the many who clamour for that guidance in such dark times. My bounty allows them to flourish as they tend to these fertile lands. My leadership provides them with the reason to till the land, sow their seeds and gather the fruits of the kingdom in my name. It is only through my benevolence that such a period of plenty can flourish.

Often I must consign some of them to shadow, snuffing out the golden shaft of light which illuminated their world. I do so with a heavy heart for they showed me some service but now they offer me little and as such they must understand that such grace and beauty is within my gift and as I grant it, I can deny it. Their wails and howls of pain and protest always confirm my decision was the right one and I take great sustenance from their misery. Still, such is the mighty attraction of one like me that they do not depart or slink away to far flung lands but instead they remain, bearing the torture and calling out to me, begging for my forgiveness and pleading for the restitution of my golden reign. I am not an evil man, though many spread such lies that I am and as such I will, from time to time, allow that life-giving and benevolent golden light to grace their lives once again and their relief and gratitude is most edifying.

Each and every day I must sit on this throne atop my mountain-dwelling citadel and ensure the welfare and good order of my subjects to ensure that the daily harvest is strong, plentiful and potent. Few can do this with the effectiveness that I can. I have yet to meet them but I know they exist, governing lands far from my own in a manner that is so similar to my own. Each and every day I must consign some subjects to shadow and shame, each and every day I must return others to the fold. They cannot exist without me and I cannot exist without them. I am their king, I and the land are one.

Today heavy lies the crown atop my head but I know that come tomorrow the harvest will be even greater and thus recharged I will alleviate the weight and lift my head to allow my eyes both golden and black to look each and every one of my subjects in the eye as if to ask them what will they do for me today. Heavy lies the burden that they will carry for their king. Heavy lies their obligation to their monarch. Heavy lies the invisible yoke about their necks and the chains which I shall yank in order to ensure that tomorrow this heavy weight will be heavy no more.

1. I am sorry I went away.

You probably said something that I did not like, you may not have said anything at all, but you did something which criticised me and I wanted to punish you so I disappeared. I am not going to tell you what I was doing whilst I was gone but I only thought about you when I looked at your pleading texts and missed calls. The rest of the time I spent it with your predecessor who I wanted to be with because, well, she hadn’t criticised me. Of course, she spoilt it and that is why I have come back to you pretending to be sorry. I need your fuel again, so here I am with my false remorse.

2. I am sorry I didn’t listen.

I didn’t listen to you because you have nothing of importance to say. Ever. That is compared to me. You should listen to me more because I do not like it when you do not. In fact I hate it. I rarely hear the words you say anyway, you are actually wasting your breath. I am far too focussed on the emotion that is spewing from you, your hurt, your frustration, your anger and your hatred. That is what I want to listen to. That gives me the fuel that I crave. I will pretend I will listen to you in the future so you provide me with some positive fuel for a while and then I will become deaf to what you have to say once again.

3. I am sorry that I hit you.

You made me do it because you will not do what I want and you will not give me what I need. I am torn between needing you and being disgusted by the fact that I am bound to someone as pathetic as you, when I am so brilliant. I am concerned that what I did may be detected by others and consequently the façade that I have created and maintained to everyone outside these four walls will be damaged. I am concerned I may have to spend some of my precious time charming law enforcement if you are treacherous enough to report me.

4. I am sorry I was unfaithful.

If you paid me more attention I would not have to do it, or at least, perhaps not as often. It was your fault that I went elsewhere because you do not admire me like you used to do. You should do so. Everyone admires me and you should be no different. I am irritated that I got caught because I thought I had covered my tracks and been cleverer than you. I am annoyed because you have scared off the other woman with your histrionics and now I am going to have to use my time and energy to find someone else now. I had a great little set-up there and you have ruined it with your interference. Just as you always spoil everything.

5. I am sorry I wasn’t there for you.

I really cannot be bothered having to support you when you are unwell. I find it a waste of my time because everything should be about me, not you. I do not like to be reminded of weakness. I see too much of myself when I do. I need my energies and time to carry out my machinations and gather fuel, not to play nurse maid to you. I do not care that you have looked after me, that is your role. I am too great to tend to you, it is beneath me. I am concerned that my lack of caring and attentiveness has proven the last straw however and my false contrition is purely designed to stop you leaving me.

6. I am sorry I am not a better person.

I am better, way better than you and everyone else, but I know you are fixated with the idea of making me better, changing me and healing me, so I say this to make you feel sorry for me and to hint at the fact that I want to change and become someone better. I am never going to change but I do love to keep you hanging on thinking that I will as this stops you leaving me and deserting me when I need my fuel. I will keep mentioning this so you stick around until such time as I have lined up someone else and I have drained you, then you disappear for all I care. In the meanwhile I will continue to insinuate that I am capable of change and improvement so that you do not go anywhere else. I need my fuel after all.

7. I am sorry for myself.

At least this one is true. I feel very sorry for myself and with good reason. I am just trying to get through life and deal with the jealous people, the envious people and the horrible people who are trying to hurt me. I know there are hundreds of them and I have done nothing to them, yet they insist on trying to hurt me. It is a terrible burden to carry, knowing that there are so many people out there against you, especially when you are as a wonderful and as brilliant as I am. I need your pity, your sympathy and your empathy. Give it to me. It is all fuel. I do not deserve to be treated like this do I? I am human too you know.

It is an often repeated question that I am asked – why do narcissists operate from the same book or why do narcissists all behave in the same way? Is there some School of Narcissism, a University of Manipulation or a College of Coercion? The fact that much of what I write about with regard to my own behaviours and those of my kind resonates with so many, many people naturally causes this question to be asked. How is it that narcissists know how to behave in such similar ways? What is behind narcissists using such familiar and well-experienced manipulations? How do we learn to do this? Indeed, such is the similarity of experience that I am regularly asked by people whether I am their narcissist (I am not) and some even go so far as to write to me on a daily basis questioning my behaviour, pleading and chastising as they truly think I am the narcissist who is tormenting them (again I am not) but this is borne (in part) out of the recognition of similarity with regard to the operation of narcissists.

Do we all use the same book and if we do, how does this come about?

The first observation to make is that whilst there are similarities in the way that we operate there are also considerable differences. Of course, many of those who are ensnared by us find themselves ensnared by similar types (as in school and cadre) of narcissist, therefore the behaviours will indeed appear similar to the victim. However, Lesser Narcissists have a smaller range of manipulations, are rudimentary in their activity, have smaller fuel matrices leading to more interruption to their fuel supply which in turn causes more volatile and haphazard behaviours and have a low threshold on their ignited fury which will invariably appear as heated fury. These are considerable differences from the Mid Range Narcissist and both Lesser and Mid Range are different again from the Greater School.

Now, a Lesser Narcissist may use a silent treatment (the hallmark of the Mid Range Narcissist) but it is rarer, there are cross overs between the schools in terms of certain behaviours. For instance, all schools may use physical violence, however Lesser Narcissists do so more often and more brutally and without regard for consequence, Mid Rangers do so far less often, tend to use pushing, holding, spitting and slapping rather than punching, kicking, biting or head butting and Greaters, where physical violence is used (which is rare) may do so through a proxy or will do so in a manner less likely to be detected. Thus there is a similarity with regard to the use of physical violence but considerable differences in its frequency and application. Similar behaviours but with variations.

How about achieving coercion and control? The Lesser is a blunt instrument relying on blind fear through physical aggression (to person and property). The Mid Ranger will rely on being kind and good-natured moving to pity and emotional blackmail before involving threat, albeit it remains that. The Greater uses charm and reward before the use of threat which will be implemented if required. Thus all three schools engage in coercing and controlling victims but do so in differing ways.

What then of fuel matrices? The three articles I have previously written about those matrices show a commonality – we all need fuel – but significant differences in the composition and extent of those fuel matrices. The Lesser has a small fuel matrix with heavy reliance on the Intimate Partner Primary Source and is more likely to make use of a Non Intimate Partner Primary Source should the need arise. The Mid Ranger has a wider fuel matrix, but relies significantly on the IPPS also and less on a Non Intimate Partner Primary Source. The Greater has the widest and most varied fuel matrix and whilst there remains a reliance on the IPPS, it is not as great as the other two schools and indeed the Greater School can endure for far longer without a primary source at all compared to the other schools.

All three schools exhibit ignited fury when wounded (see the book Fury for more details in that regard) however the Lesser has a hair trigger in that regard and relies mostly, often exclusively on heated fury. The Mid-Ranger has more control than the Lesser but it is not substantially improved and their fury manifests more through cold fury. The Greater has a significant control over his or her ignited fury and will use both heated and cold fury should control not remain in place.

Not all narcissists are grandiose. Some are aggressive, others are passive aggressive. Some are haughty, others almost needy. Some focus on the physical, others on the cerebral. Some are successful and others are not.

Accordingly, it can be seen that there are similar strands with regard to narcissists, in terms of constitution, outlook and behaviour but with notable and significant differences between the schools. Therefore it is not accurate to state that all narcissists operate from the same playbook, but that it appears there are similarities. Again, as mentioned earlier, this appearance of it being the same may also be the experience of the victim because he or she has been ensnared by narcissists of the same school and cadre.

Yet, what if the differences I have explained above (and there are plenty more) are regarded as mere subtleties by victims and instead you point to the fact that we seduce victims, we love bomb, we devalue, we disengage, we suffer wounding, we hoover and we smear. Are those all not the operations of narcissists, are they not all the same? Do we not all regard people as objects as appliances? Do we not all lack emotional empathy? Do we not all experience envy, jealousy and hatred? Do we not all utilise black and white thinking? Do we not all have an overwhelming need for control of our environments? Again, these would be seen as significant ‘sames’ with regard to our kind and support the suggestion that we all operate in accordance with one, mystical, all-encompassing manual of narcissism.

It is clear from the many comments that I have read on my blog and social media platforms, from the e-mails I have received and the content of consultations that people have very similar experiences with regard to being a victim of our kind, whether it is romantic, familial, social or work entanglement. Thus it very much appears that we do indeed all operate from the same book and this raises the next question, how can that be? How is it that narcissists ‘know’ to operate this way, to have the same perspectives, to react in the same way and to deal with their victims in such similar ways?

That is a simple question to answer.

It is not the case that because one is a narcissist that one knows to operate in the same way as every other narcissist. No.

It is because we act in such similar ways that we are narcissists. If you do not act in this way, you are not one of us, if you do, you are and you belong to our club.

Manipulate, lack emotional empathy, regard people as appliances who belong to us forever, control people, need fuel, lack remorse, have no or poor boundary recognition, exhibit magical thinking, a sense of entitlement, have no concept of accountability, ensure it is never our fault, see only in black and white and so forth and you are a narcissist. Not the other way around.

It is the similarity in behaviour that makes us narcissists, not that we are narcissists so we behave similarly.