A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 31

 

A LETTER TO THE NARCISSIST -TWILIGHT'S LETTER

I sit here with tears falling wondering why?
Why the lies? Why are you twisting the truth?
If I could go back to that moment at your house I would not say what I did, when you whispered in my ear you will regret that, something just changed. For the first tiime I feared you. I needed to know if what you said was true.
I remember the feeling that morning of betrayal, I knew you had seen the comment. How and why didn’t matter, yet it told me you were watching my every moment. I always knew yet never cared,  I loved you and had nothing to hide.
I sit here wondering why this girl whom I have never met or spoken to is telling *****I will sleep with her husband and your telling ****** I spend my money on pills, why?
Why is ****** messaging me telling me she is your girlfriend and you’re moving in together?
Why did you tell them I was abusing you? Why did you tell them I would your children, when all I have ever done was be there for you and them?
Why did you tell your mother she could no longer speak to me?
Why did you tell my employer I was a thief and violent?
Everytime I am turning around something else is happening.
******told me what you told them, I was stalking you and you feared for yours and your children’s life.
I came by once and sent one email, your reply was if I contacted you again you were calling the police.

I loved you, I trusted you.
Right now I don’t even know what to think.
My mind is a mess. I go to places we spent time at just to be with you. I sit on the pier watching the water remembering the last time we were there. I look at the things you gave me, the feather when we were hunting, and the time we found the fawn. I can’t stop the tears, I walk in the woods at night wishing something anything would come and kill the pain, the tears fall. I can’t stop them. Why? Why? My pillow is drenched and stained. I feel like I am drowning in the pain.

I found out today I have something to look forward to, I have to go on yet a part of me always belongs to you….

Closure Denied

CLOSURE

 

We do not do the clean break. We never allow closure. There is no neat conclusion when you have been entangled with our kind. You are not allowed the precise and final cut of the surgeon’s scalpel but instead you must be content with the rusty saw that has sought to effect an amputation but instead has merely created a grisly abomination whereby there remains tendrils attached and ragged and torn flesh. No matter how hot the water which flows in your shower and the vigour with which you scrub your reddened flesh, no matter how much detergent you apply and no matter whether you use scrubbing brush or wire wool you cannot remove that residue. We linger. We remain. We percolate and infiltrate.

This, like much of what we do, is a calculated act to maintain a connection between you and us. We can never let go so we see no reason why you should be allowed to either. The residue which we create and which you cannot remove, takes many forms. It may be the fact that we chose you when we worked together so that each day you have no choice but to see us across the floor space in the same office, in the cafeteria or striding across the car park. Once upon a time, like every good fairy tale, you smiled and you felt your heart skip a beat as you saw us exit the lift and smile at you. That wonderful smile which was just for you. Now when we exit the lift and our cold, dead eyes alight on you, the smile is no more than a sickly leer which slowly opens up across our face as we know the residue of our impact on your remains deep inside you. You are faced with this each day. It is either that or leave and go somewhere else and even though you know that the latter is probably the most appropriate cause of action, something prevents you from doing so. Is it because you still want to see us? Of course it is. You may very well hate us but you cannot still help yourself as you want to see what we are doing and allow yourself the indulgence of looking at us and remembering.

In a different way the residue may be the fact that we owe you money and you are left to contact us, despite not wishing to do so, because you want, no, because you need that money. After all, we leeched from you so successfully that we have left you in penury and you need this money to be reimbursed. Part of you would rather write it off and in doing so hope that you can scour us from your memory, but circumstance dictates the necessity of collection. We know this and we shall provide excuse and exhibit delay and prevarication in order to keep you hanging on and in order to keep the connection between us alive still. The money will be paid by the end of the week promise. Sorry but we had to have a new boiler fitted so it will be next month now. The bonus was not as large as had been promised so it will a further three months as I shall have to pay you by instalments. What money? I do not know owe you anything. We keep you dangling and pull at the connection that remains between you and I. If it is not money, then it will be possessions. We will purposefully leave our belongings in your house and you will repeatedly ask us to collect them. We issue similar excuses to the repayment of the borrowed money. I am a bit busy at the moment maybe next week. I need to collect it in a car and mine is in the garage at the moment. If the possessions are not ours at your property then we will have ensured that in addition or as an alternative we will have kept items belonging to you with us, causing you to have to keep some form of contact with us in order to recover them. We ensure we select those items which are expensive and of sentimental value so you will not be able to replace them but instead you must keep asking us for the items. We will string out the return of these items by failing to be in when you call to collect them, turning up to deliver them when you are not in, forgetting to do so and so forth. It all maintains the link between us and increases your upset, annoyance and frustration. We want to keep our residue in your life so that when we choose to make our move we can suck you back in without difficulty.

We will remain in the same circle of friends as you. With our notoriously thick skin we will still turn up to meals and drinks knowing that you will be there. You will feel uncomfortable and resent our intrusion. Third parties will try to keep the peace and of course we will maintain our façade in order to show that we are a good person and we are just trying to be civil following the ending of the relationship. You may react to this and it enables us to point out that you are unhinged, unpleasant and always have to bear a grudge. Is it any wonder that we left?

Whilst we create the ever presence so that you see us everywhere you go, in sounds, in sights and tastes, we also like to leave our mark on you, smearing you with the residue of the relationship so that you feel tainted for the rest of your life, marked with the repeated reminder that you have been embroiled in a relationship with us and moreover to let you know in the clearest terms that you will never be free of us. We can never be washed away.

I Love You (And I Always Have)

I LOVE YOU(AND I ALWAYS HAVE)

This is a well-used phrase by our kind and is wheeled out with regularity during love-bombing. At face value and of course that is how you will take it because you are in the midst of a veritable whirlwind of compliments, flattery and passion, this seems a straight forward enough comment to make. However there is far more to it than meets the eye. Just as we operate from a different perspective to you, we also utilise language in a different way and one of the key ways of tackling our kind is to understand what we are REALLY saying when we use these delicious phrases and appealing comments.

So, what do my kind really mean when we say “I love you and I always have”?

My need to seduce you is considerable and therefore I will use language which will appeal to you and be so outlandish that it will blow you away. I do not actually love you. I do not love in the way that you do. I understand that the closest I come to it is infatuation. I am not in fact infatuated with you but more precisely with what you can do for me. My needs are paramount. Yours are largely irrelevant. I write irrelevant because I do take them into account during the seduction but after that they are thrown to one side, but that is something different and not the purpose of explaining what I mean when I say the above phrase to you.

I say I love you and mean I am infatuated with you. I am infatuated with three things that you will give me through my successful seduction of you.

  1. Fuel, the most important item;
  2. Useful traits which I can apply to my construct and parade as my own achievement, characteristics and accomplishments to make me appear even more attractive to you and other people (and thus get more fuel); and
  3. Residual benefits such as a roof over my head or getting you to pay for things.

I want those three things. I want the fuel most of all but the other two matter as well. To get those things I need to seduce you. To seduce you I need to say things like this, grand statements which will amaze you and sweep you off your feet. Why will it have this effect? Well, because you are a love devotee. As an empathic individual one of your traits is that you are a love devotee. This means you belief very much in the concept of love, how love is wonderful, how love can conquer all, how love crosses any boundary and love is amazing, splendid and the best thing in the world. I know you are a love devotee because I have studied you before I approached you. With this knowledge I know that making a statement like the one above will resonate with you considerably for the following reasons: –

  1. As a believer in love you want to hear that someone loves you;
  2. You want this love to be grand, sweeping and extraordinary. By explaining that I have always been in love with you, I achieve this. It is a statement which conjures up images in your mind’s eye of me waiting for years before I picked my moment to tell you, of me sitting with my love burning away and how you have never noticed. It appeals to you to think in such terms. It is romantic and glorious.
  3. I will have plausibility on my side. I may know you already as we may be friends or colleagues. I may be a neighbour. I may be your therapist even. If I do not know you in detail, we may know each other by sight and the occasional hello from attending the same gym or such like. You may not know me but I will generate (fabricate) a back story that I have watched you from the coffee shop every day as you walk past (once I have established that you do so) and I have been in love with you. This plausibility overcomes any natural hesitance you may have. The immensity of the love factor in this statement will overcome any slight scepticism you may have, that having been eroded already by the plausibility.

Saying this statement is a direct shot at your heart and is part of the harpoon strike that we engage in when we are seducing a victim.

It is not true however. We have chased plenty of people before you. We may have only set eyes on your two days ago and we do not love in the manner that you do. Everything about this statement is false, it serves our purpose to seduce you and to do so quickly.

To learn and understand more about what the narcissist really means when he says certain things to you, read DECIPHER : WHAT THE NARCISSIST REALLY MEANS

US  https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01G964SI8

UK  https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B01G964SI8

CAN https://www.amazon.ca/dp/B01G964SI8

AUS  https://www.amazon.com.au/dp/B01G964SI8

The Coterie

coterie-2

A coterie is a group of people with shared interests. In this case, that shared interest is our kind. We have two groups of supporters; Lieutenants and the Coterie. The Lieutenants are our most loyal supporters, they are dedicated and are manipulated, usually on the premise of reward although sometimes with the prospect of punishment, to do our bidding. They have been convinced of our legitimacy which ensures their obedience and compliance when we call on them. Our control of them will often be subtle, so they are unaware of the true purpose to which they have been applied and other occasions it is patently obvious but they share our sense of direction and therefore do as we instruct. Lieutenants are deployed when specific action is required.

The Coterie is less directed but instead is more of a constant, a backdrop of support that feeds us fuel, lends credibility to our pronouncements and can be relied on to accord with our views. They laugh when we deliver an amusing anecdote, they praise readily when we engage in our boasts and they become the quagmire in which you, as our victim, becomes stuck.

Who constitutes this Coterie? In the main, it is compiled of secondary sources, thus you will find friends, colleagues and family members in its ranks. There will also be the occasional tertiary source in amongst them too, perhaps a neighbour, a teacher, somebody who recognises us from our regular attendance at their shop or restaurant. Those in the Coterie need to be physically proximate to us. Whilst an outer circle friend might be supportive of us generally, the fact he lives three hundred miles away means that his distance excludes him from the Coterie. Those within the Coterie are those secondary and tertiary sources which we interact with on a regular basis, who we will see or interact with at least once a month and more likely more often. Those in the Coterie invariably know one another, thus those inner circle friends are known to our family members and the chosen colleagues socialise with our inner circle friends when both sets are invited to come for drinks. The group has us as the connecting interest, the common denominator.

How is the Coterie created? As with all those that become our appliances these people will be seduced, usually not in an intimate sense (although that is not excluded) and are drawn to us. We paint the illusion for these secondary sources, exaggerating and emphasising our positive points. It is of course not done with the intensity by which we seduce somebody to become our primary source, but the effect is the same. The glittering and shining construct is polished up for them so they are drawn to us, whilst the creature within is kept hidden for fear of driving them away. The expectation of fuel, the provision of character traits by these secondary sources and the key residual benefit – the creation of the Coterie  – enables us to exhibit what they wish to see. Through mirroring, we create the image  of the good friend who is a rugby enthusiast too, the practical neighbour who is available to tackle the occasional home improvement task, the industrious colleague or the polite and respectful son. What those people wish to see, we show them and thus they are drawn to us. Built from those who we see regularly, who are physically proximate to us and often from those we have known for some time, the Coterie takes shape.

The Coterie is strengthened by the cross-pollination between its constituent parts. Thus, a colleague when invited a BBQ will remark to our parents how hard-working we are. This is what our parents wish to hear and reaffirms their own view of their diligent son. One friend will explain to a newly introduced friend how we have been helpful to them when they have some difficulty. The other person agrees and adds their own plaudit based on their experience of us. Back and forth, like the shuttle in weaving, these compliments and accolades create a backdrop on which we rely.

What then is the effect of the Coterie? It serves several purposes. As mentioned, rather than it necessarily be dynamic in nature, it is more of a constant, a barometer of our credibility, an undying source of support. The Coterie serves us in the following ways:-

  1. It is a significant part of the facade we create;
  2. The Coterie can be relied on to turn its back on you when we commence your devaluation or discard, we need only give the word;
  3. It provides corroboration to our words when we are seducing you. We direct you to it if you want further evidence of our reliability, our integrity, our determination or our bona fides in wanting you;
  4. It is a key device for triangulation. If you challenge us, we will invite you to ask members of the Coterie knowing they will disagree with you, support us and diminish the strength of your assertion against us. We will tell you that the Coterie thinks ill of your behaviour (even though it has not) or that the Coterie would be disappointed in the things that you do.
  5. The Coterie will provide us with information about you. With several members, it becomes our eyes and ears and will tell us what you have been doing. The members are not enjoined to specifically watch you, that is a role for our Lieutenants, but rather they are pervasive so that if a friend bumps into you, they will report back on the encounter;
  6. The Coterie will readily accept the smearing of you when we decide that this has to be done and it will be propagated by them within the Coterie. Lieutenants are used to extend the sphere further afield;
  7. The Coterie is greater than the sum of its parts. Since it is bound by a common interest in us, the members invariably all know one another and their ever present loyalty to us is unquestionable, the cumulative effect of these people means that our word is taken over yours, we are supported instead of you and they will reject any attempt by you to convince them otherwise. The herd mentality prevails. Even if you might think one member of the Coterie might side with you, the weight of other members all supporting us will drown you out and convince any potential waverer to continue to back us.

So, whilst you know which people the Coterie is drawn from, how can you spot those people who are actually in it? There are essentially six groupings that are drawn from the secondary and tertiary sources. These groups accept us, for different reasons and motivations, which are explained below.

  1. The Simply Wonderfuls

This group might be equated to performing seals. If we tell a joke, they laugh without hesitation, braying and hooting. They praise us repeatedly, bowled over by how handsome we are, how amusing we might be, how urbane and erudite we behave. Every achievement of ours is met with enthusiastic applause and admiration. These people truly do regard us as simply wonderful and see no wrong in what we do. They regard our behaviours as positive, endearing and magnificent. Always quick to praise, always ready to hear about our latest endeavour and do so in rapt delight. They are genuinely thrilled by who we are. These people are happy for us even though they have no vested interest themselves in the outcome, a state of mind which I find truly alien albeit I readily accept the outcome of their mindset.

2. The Hangers On

These members of the Coterie are hangers on in the sense that they find some gratification in being tolerated as member of our gang. It might be because we allow them to join us at places they would otherwise have no hoping of ever gaining entry to, it might be that they perceive a benefit will be conveyed to them by remaining in our sights. They feel they gain by being associated with us and hope that this will also translate into some improvement of their own position – money, promotion, acknowledgement – and accordingly they remain hanging on to our coat tails, ready to provide a sycophantic compliment or curry favour with us. The very fact we tolerate them gives the more pathetic elements of this group reason alone to look up to us and provide the necessary support which Coterie membership demands.

3. The Pick Me Brigade

This group contains those members of the Coterie who jostle for position to bask in our benevolent light. From those who want to spend the evening with me and me alone, allowing them to crow about it other members of this brigade, to the friend who wants to embark on a run together or go to the cinema to watch a film. The Pick Me Brigade operate on the basis of exhibiting support in such a way that means that they hope they will occasionally be granted an exclusive audience with us in order to inveigle their way into our favour even further. It will come as no surprise to you that some of these individuals will have narcissistic traits and may even be Lesser or Mid-Range Narcissist collected by us. They feel a need to ensure that their praise of us is better than anybody else’s, that they know us best, they are our best friend and supporter. In a non-intimate sense, the Coterie member wants the kudos of being a trusted confidante. Of course they fail to realise there is no such position available for them. In an intimate sense, this Coterie member hopes for elevation to become our intimate partner in a formal relationship and spends their time hoping that they are noticed in that respect. Invariably they are kept in line through comfort crumbs and future faking.

4. The Pride Collective

Usually this element of the Coterie consists of family members, but it is not an exclusive position. These Coterie members are proud of our achievements, the decent human being they foolishly believe us to be. Their belief in our humanity, our kindness, our charity and goodness is unshakeable. They may know of troubled behaviours but consider this to be as a consequence of external factors which heartlessly picked on us and that we are not to blame. They always see the best of us and are immensely proud of whatever we do. Their own desire to have the son or grand daughter, niece or cousin, brother or friend, who is talented, interesting, cultured, hard-working, creative or whatever it may be, causes them to seize on anything we do or say which may accord with this pre-conceived notion. They have created their own idea of what we should be and they will always regard what ever we do to be in line with this expectation, placing a positive spin on our accomplishments and behaviours, trotting out excuses to ameliorate any criticism of us. Their desire to see us become what they want us to become invariably blinds them.

5. The Always Been Fine With Me Society

These members of the Coterie tend to have their head in the sand. Mainly concerned with getting through life without conflict or disruption, they adopt the position that if we have always been okay with them, then that is all that matters. They neither have the time or the inclination to hear you badmouth us. This does not accord with what they have witnessed. They fail to grasp that just because we have always been civil to them that we could be awful to someone else. All they care about is that their life trundles along with no drama or aggravation, so take your complaints elsewhere because these members of the Coterie just do not want to know.

6. The Harpies

You might be forgiven for thinking that these would be Lieutenants. They are not because Lieutenants usually operate in a singular capacity for us. The Harpies are people who think well of us but they really come in to their own when they are granted permission to smear. Cousins of the Pick Me Brigade they see their value in attacking anybody who draws our disapproval. Ordinarily they will be supportive of us, albeit not to the simpering extent of the Simply Wonderfuls or the blinded Pride Collective, but when they are told that you are now on the black list then they leap in to action. They will smear you, delight in rubbishing  your complaints about us and look to pick you apart through nasty insults. The Harpies will not actually do anything. They are not proactive in that sense, their area of operation is words and gossip and they will enjoy nothing more than discussing you amongst themselves, picking over your faults and vulnerabilities and should you encounter them when you have been designated by us as the enemy, you will feel the force of their toxic tongues and malicious mouths.

Accordingly, we will build our coterie from secondary and tertiary sources and those who are admitted will belong to the groupings described above.