Time and the Narcissist – Part One

THE AGEING NARCISSIST -PART ONE

I am often asked about the effects of the advancement of time on our kind. I have written about how this affected one of my uncles, Robert and how I have laid plans to explain how his fate will not befall me. What, though, of how the advancement of time and aging impacts on our kind more generally? The standard question that is asked is whether a narcissist will get better or worse with age. As you might expect, it is not as straight forward as that as it will depend on the cadre of narcissist and the relevant school.

The Victim Cadre

All of our kind see ourselves as victims and will make use of emotional blackmail, pity plays and drives for sympathy as part of the narcissistic arsenal to further our aims, but one cadre of narcissist takes it to an extreme and relies on sympathy, pity and being cared for more often and more intensely and thus amounts to being a Victim Narcissist.

The Lesser Victim

Age will give the LVN more to complain about, more to point to and more to seek sympathy for. Used to already drawing his fuel primarily through the application of concern, sympathy and caring, he can look forward to getting more of this as time advances. As his illnesses become worse, his flesh weakens and his conditions become all the more debilitating he will rely heavily on gaining his fuel from his primary source who is likely to be his primary carer. Lacking the ability to seek fuel from fraternising with new sources, the LVN will look to have his fuel levels maintained by the primary source and a small group of family and friends.

He will be something of a curmudgeon, always complaining about his aches and pains in order to draw that fuel and will be seen as a burden. Lacking control, he will often erupt when he feels he is not being cared for and his physical pains become too great for him. He will have chosen most likely a Carrier Empath to shoulder this burden but if the primary source should ever escape, although this is less likely as the relevant primary source will have been selected for his or her quality caring and domestic attributes, he is likely to be moved to a care home where a succession of carers will be shunted between primary – non intimate – sources and secondary sources.

The LVN in advanced age will struggle to find a replacement intimate partner primary source if he or she is lost. This is because the LVN relies on solely his need to be mothered and looked after as his ‘selling point’. His own parents will be dead and therefore they cannot be promoted to primary source and he will lack the mobility and cognitive function to seduce a new intimate partner primary source. He can do this when younger, when his conditions are not as extensive and he finds that especially caring individual but when he is much older, he does not have this option. He has neither charm, money or intellect to draw a younger appliance to him and therefore the LVN runs the risk of losing the long-standing primary source through his rants and tantrums.

He will find himself trying to rely on family members, possibly brother, sisters or children, as secondary sources but none will be willing to adopt the mantle of primary source as they will have their own lives to lead and unless the LVN can sustain fuel from these secondary sources along with professional carers also as secondary sources, he faces a diminution in fuel which will add a further weakness to the physical and mental ones which have already amassed. Decrepitude is inevitable.

The aged LVN becomes even more unappealing with age. Furious at his limitations, unable to control that fury, but weakened from fuel losses, his is an unpleasant dotage. He will lash out at those who care for him, running the risk of isolating them and becoming the author of his own misfortune as he is visited less and less by a reducing pool of friends and family. If able to secure professional care, he will be regarded as a cantankerous and unpleasant charge for those caring for him who only do so out of a sense of professional obligation and therefore the fuel provided by these professional caregivers will be limited. He will invariably lack mobility and even access to technology is unlikely to assist through reduced cognitive function, diminished hearing and eyesight.

He will also have led a life which has been poor in terms of health and hygiene. He may well have issues with drink and will turn to this in particular as he slowly drinks himself to death, using it as a crutch against the cruelty of the world leaving him in this manner. He will sink into a routine of demanding his fix of drink or tobacco, caring not for the deleterious impact it will have, but rather needing the short-term boost it provides him with, oblivious to the downward spiral he has embarked on.

A combination of poor lifestyle choices, pre-existing health problems and the potential loss of a primary source caregiver, with other sources remaining away owing to the unpleasant, nasty and malodorous nature of the LVN means that they are more likely to face death in their 50s and 60s.

The LVN, unable to control his beast, will frighten away those but the most hardy and thus he runs a considerable risk of descending into decrepitude, alone, furious and unloved as his already shortened days come to an ignominious end.

The Mid-Range Victim

The MRVN follows a similar path to that of the LVN. Age will not be kind to him, increasing his discomfort, exacerbating his pain and making him rail against the unfairness of his situation. Whereas the LVN becomes the architect of his isolation by his inability to keep his fury under control at those around him, the MRVN has an increased cognitive function which he or she will put to better use.

The MRVN will retain some degree of charm, though nowhere near the standard of the greater, but he will be able to amuse and draw people to him, politely seeking their assistance with lowering him into the bath or rubbing lotions into his aching limbs. He does not like this reliance but has enough awareness to realise that he needs the assistance of others and he also has sufficient control over his fury to avoid lashing out in a fit of temper against those he needs to care for him

The MRVN stands a better chance of holding on to his primary source and also recognises that this person not only cares for him and thus provides fuel, but will provide a host of residual benefits and accordingly his machinations will mellow as he ages. He has enough acumen to recognise that having someone cook, clean and care for him as he ages is a useful trade-off for sticking with the same person. The likelihood of infidelity will diminish considerably from an already low point since Victim Narcissists have little interest in sex but rather use their general incompetence or impotence in that arena to garner the sympathy that fuels them. They have no need to be applauded for being a sexual Olympian when they can roll out a pity play for the inability to perform and blame it on some long-standing imagined fear.

As the MRVN ages there will be a lessening of the drama that once existed and with decreased energy levels he can no longer sustain the playing off of people against one another and instead focuses on just receiving their emotional attention and being cared for. He will use his moderate degree of charm to ask people to come and see him, pretending to take an interest in what the grandchildren are doing or how his favourite nephew is getting on with his new job. He will place a sprinkling of sugar in order to get those secondary sources to pay heed to him. The MRVN will make particular use of familial secondary sources during his dotage and indeed the primary source can witness a lessening of their burden as a ‘reward’ for sticking with the MRVN. If these mild charm offensives do not work however, what you will notice is that what fury is ignited will manifest as emotional blackmail and sulking as the MRVN coerces secondary sources into caring for him and visiting to provide fuel.

‘I am your father, not that it seems to matter to you, you haven’t visited me in two weeks.’

‘I will just sit here on my own shall I while you gad about, you selfish so and so.’

‘Old Bill gets plenty of visitors so I am left wondering where mine are.’

The family and friends of the MRVN can expect such spikey comments to be made in telephone calls and messages for the purposes of emotionally blackmailing those sources into providing fuel.

The MRVN will ensure he is well-cared for with a motivated primary source and plenty of secondary sources, galvanised through the carrot of mild charm or the stick of emotional blackmail. He is unlikely to struggle for fuel and recognises the considerable advantages of keeping onside the primary and secondary sources for the residual benefits. He is not as short-sighted, either literally or figuratively, as the LVN. For the most part, his demeanour will improve, save for occasional sulks and silent treatments, but these will not be as prolific as when he was younger. His old age will be comfortable for him as he is content to settle into the routine of being cared for and given a reasonable level of fuel , able to recognise his limitations and control his fury, for the most part. Those around him will find the occasional period of self-centred sulking and demands for assistance, but will most likely find him to be less arduous that he was when was younger.

The MRVN will have taken a reasonably sensible course through life and notwithstanding his ailments and physical shortcomings, he will have sufficient charm and economic power to ensure that the autumn of his life is relatively comfortable, if restricted. He will confine himself to his ‘tower’ and expect others to attend on him.

The Greater Victim

This combination of cadre and school does not exist.

Part Two will address the Somatic cadre and the relevant schools applicable to that type of narcissist.

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1+

A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 66

 

JIMMY LETTER

I don’t know what to say. Because, in all honesty, I don’t know who you are. I have spent the last year educating myself and healing myself from my experience with you. It has been both incredibly painful, yet equally rewarding to heal from abuse. At a certain point, my education into what you are had to cease, and the recovery process needed all of my focus.

I do forgive you. I understand that your disorder drives you to do the things you do, even though they are plotted, premeditated, planned, and executed with your cognizant awareness from right and wrong and your understanding of your betrayals and manipulations, I do understand that you cannot control it. Therefore I cannot judge the afflicted, just as we cannot blame the crippled for being unable to walk.
I forgive myself as well. Although anything a victim has to do in order to survive abuse is forgivable, I do have a responsibility in enabling your abuse. There were moments very early on where I knew you weren’t being true to me and I, as a classic/textbook codependent, stayed in the hopes that you would change. It was only until very recently that I accepted your disorder as maladaptive. I absolutely did everything I could to change it, and for that ignorance, I am guilty.
The releasing of my resentment towards you is where I am at in my healing process, and forgiveness is necessary in order for me to move on. I have been holding onto the resentments that come after being so betrayed and for so very long – since Day One, actually. And this too was designed by you. To leave someone so utterly devastated and continue to abuse is a common manifestation in the discard phase of your disorder. Learning more of your betrayals after your departure was simply adding insult to deep injuries. So, obviously, healing from such abuse, both during and after, is a huge mountain to climb.
I also know these words mean nothing to you. My forgiveness, my compassion…in terms of your receiving these sentiments, is irrelevant to you. I understand that you have deleted me from your life. These words aren’t really for you. They are for me. You have my forgiveness. I can never forget, nor will I ever. I will certainly stay as far away as I can from you, no matter where I am, but I will forever remain vigilant with very strict boundaries and a zero-tolerance policy for your abuse, or your abuse by proxy – the people in your life.
The recovery from abuse exposed myself to some very real issues of codependency I am working through. So thank you. In a twisted sort of way, recovering from your abuse made me a better person than I ever was…and certainly no one you, or anyone in your world, has the fortitude to have the pleasure and honor of being in my life. So please do not try. We have a history of making threats to each other, so I am breaking that cycle and appealing to your common senses. We have nothing to say to each other. You (who you are) never truly existed in my world and so, you cannot exist in it now. Please do not attempt to further contact me. What we had was a charade. It was a mind-fuck of epic proportions to un-fuck, and the effort in doing so was equally epic. We never had anything before – we will have nothing now or in the future.
I never had you, so there is no loss. You truly had me, I was devotedly yours.  And that’s what you lost.
I understand your torment much more and I truly hope you find peace.
27+

Three Little Empaths

3 LITTLEEMPATHS

Once upon a time, there were three little empaths who lived with a Wise Old Empath. The Wise Old Empath felt that more good needed to be done in the world, so she sent the three little empaths out in to the world and besides she wanted to be able to binge watch boxsets of Baking With Goodness without interruption. As she waved good bye to the three little empaths she called out,

“Go into the world my little empaths and spread your goodness all around, but please watch out for the narcissists. They are not easy to spot and make sure you all build a good home on the foundation of no contact. There is only one architect you should look for, he is called Hurt God.”

“We will!” chorused the three little empaths as they headed off into the world. The three little empaths soon set about commencing their good works and it was not long before pods of gay blind whales were being saved, a GoFundMe account was up and running for Oppressed Men with Beards and of Diminished Stature and  Crochet ‘Cos U Care Clubs sprang up across the land.

Yet, there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth as each of the three little empaths fell foul to the lure of The Narcissist. After Glorious Golden Periods and Devilish Devaluations, the three little empaths each made an escape bid.

The first little empath was scurrying along the yellow brick road seeking to escape her narcissist as she remembered the words of the Wise Old Empath.

“I need to build a house founded on no contact. W.O.E told me to find Hurt God but that sounds like such hard work and I was hoping to bake some Gullible Tarts this afternoon, oh what am I to do?”

Just then a woman rounded the yellow brick road.

“Hello first little empath, did I hear you need to build a House of No Contact?” she asked.

“Yes, yes I do, who are you?” asked the first little empath.

“I am Hysterical Tirade, I know about no contact,” replied the woman.

“You do?” asked the first little empath with enthusiasm, “I was told to use the architect Hurt God, but that sounds like hard work finding him.”

“Oh, it is and he is not a pleasant man, you do not want to use his work. My work is really just a personal rant about the narcissist that ensnared me, but don’t let that distract you from how brilliant my advice is. Here take this book.”

“Oh, thank you so much, now I can build my House of No Contact and do some baking.” And the first little empath used the book provided by Hysterical Tirade to build a House of No Contact on the spot where she was stood.

Not much later, as the first little empath was rolling the pastry for the Gullible Tarts she heard a familiar voice.

“Little emp, little emp, let me come in!”

It was an ogre of a Lesser Narcissist!

“Shove it douchebag!” shouted the first little empath defiantly.

“Then I will shout and I will scream and I will make a huge din so I can ensure I hoover you straight back in!” cried the Lesser Narcissist.

The first little empath smiled for she was in a House of No Contact but then she paused as she felt a cold hand of dread about her throat.

“Er, how did you find me?” she asked.

“Ha ha,” laughed the Lesser Narcissist, “look next door.”

The first little empath looked out of the window and saw across the garden was the man she knew as Lou Tenant waving back at her with a sardonic grin.

“Damn!” cursed the first little empath, “Hysterical Tirade’s Guide to the House of No Contact said nothing about building next to the House of Lou Tenant.”

“What a shame,” smiled the Lesser Narcissist as he strolled up behind the first little empath, slung her over his shoulder and set off back to Narc Town, leaving the First House of No Contact to crumble behind them.

 

The second little empath was hurrying along the road paved with gold seeking to escape her narcissist as she remembered the words of the Wise Old Empath.

“I need to build a house founded on no contact. W.O.E told me to find Hurt God but that sounds like such hard work and I was hoping to knit some Hats of Eternal Hope this afternoon, oh what am I to do?”

Just then a man rounded a corner of the road paved with gold.

“Hello second little empath, did I hear you need to build a House of No Contact?” he asked as he adjusted his vest and gave a smile.

“Yes, yes I do, who are you?” asked the second little empath.

“I am Smooth Amateur, I know about no contact,” replied the man.

“You do?” asked the second little empath with enthusiasm, “I was told to use the architect Hurt God, but that sounds like hard work finding him.”

“Oh, it is and he is a psychopath you know so he is a pathological liar, you do not want to use his work. My work is really just a collection of some fairly good ideas to essentially make me look like a hero whilst not really conveying the reality, but don’t let that distract you from how brilliant my advice is. Here take this book.”

“Oh, thank you so much, now I can build my House of No Contact and do some knitting.” And the second little empath used the book provided by Smooth Amateur to build a House of No Contact on the spot where she was stood.

Not much later, as the second little empath was knitting busily in her parlour she heard a familiar voice.

“Little emp, little emp, let me come in!”

It was a cowardly Mid-Range Narcissist!

“Beat it loser!” shouted the second little empath defiantly.

“Then I will plead and I will cajole and I will smear you with sin, so I can ensure I hoover you straight back in!” cried the Mid-Range Narcissist.

The second little empath smiled for she was in a House of No Contact but then she paused as she felt a cold hand of dread about her throat.

“Wait how did you know I would be here?” she asked

“You’ve been plastering yourself all over BaseFuck, Twatter, NarcMagnet and Plenty of Narcs, you gave plenty of detail about what you are doing and where and you did not block me,” smiled the Mid Range Narcissist with an oily grin.

“Damn!” cursed the second little empath, “Smooth Amateur’s Guide to the House of No Contact said nothing about staying off social media and blocking you.”

“What a shame,” smiled the Mid-Range Narcissist, “but it’s not all bad, after all, you should be looking after me now,” as he strolled up behind the second little empath, took her by the hand and set off back to Narc Town, leaving the Second House of No Contact to crumble behind them.

 

The third little empath was scurrying along the road to hell paved with good intentions seeking to escape her narcissist as she remembered the words of the Wise Old Empath.

“I need to build a house founded on no contact. W.O.E told me to find Hurt God and by the lack of hairs on my smooth chinny chinny chin chin I will find this mysterious Hurt God” she declared with resolve.

So the third little empath walked the road to hell paved with good intentions and was repeatedly offered books, videos and seminars on how to build the Ultimate House of No Contact by many people. She ignored various providers, such as Miss Unsupported Bonkers Theory, Unduly Esoteric Explanation Man, Hopelessly Rambling Victim, Mr Nice But Narc, Miss Tie Twenty Crystals Around Your Forehead and other well-meaning but ultimately ineffective purveyors of advice.

The third little empath grew weary and as the sun began to set, she feared that she would not be able to build a House of No Contact on Hurt God’s foundation before her narcissist caught up with her.

Just then the third empath turned a corner of the road and there was a tall, slim man who immediately exuded an air of malevolent menace. She could not see his features against the brightness of the sinking sun but the darkness which flowed from him made her feel wary and unsettled.

“Hello third little empath, did I hear you need to build a House of No Contact?” he asked in a voice which was authoritative and beguiling.

“Yes, yes I do, but I should not talk to strangers and certainly not ones as magnetic as you,” said the third little empath.

“Very sensible,” laughed the mysterious stranger and the third little empath was both aroused and repulsed, “but you need not worry, you are but a tertiary source and I have more proximate empaths to toy with. Here, take this, it will serve you excellent well,” and with that the stranger pressed a book into the shaking hands of the third little empath before he strode away whistling “A Hunting We Will Go” to himself.

The third little empath looked at the book and saw the title “Hurt God’s Ultimate House of No Contact” and she promptly fainted.

Some time later the third little empath came to and recalled her brief encounter with Hurt God. She saw the book still nearby and snatched it up and immediately set about digesting its content.

Even more time later, the third little empath was settling down to watch an episode of ‘Narcland’s Got Empaths’ when there was chime from her mobile phone. She saw a notification from her NarcCam and opened up the application. She watched transfixed as she saw a shadowy figure moving towards a house, caught on a concealed NarcCam.

“Goodness, it is the Greater Narcissist!” declared the third little empath. She sat in her comfortable armchair and watched remotely as the figure strolled with complete confidence up to a well-appointed house.

“He has come to hoover me!” announced the third little empath. The camera had sound and vision and she could hear the Greater Narcissist saying smoothly,

“Little emp, little emp, let me come in.”

“No way buster,” said the third little empath.

The Greater strode up the steps on to the porch in full view of the camera and turned and looked straight into the lens. He gave a radiant smile and said,

“Oh don’t be like that, I’ve come to repair the rift, I’ll hoover you with an expensive gift,” and then he extended a manicured forefinger and pressed the door bell.

Suddenly a trapdoor opened and the Greater dropped out of sight.

“Let’s see how a period of fuel free isolation suits you Mr Narcissist,” said the third little empath. She set down her ‘phone and picked up the television remote control. The third little empath patted the book that rested on the arm of her chair.

“Great work Hurts God, thanks to you I set up a robust House of No Contact and created a diversionary house with a false trail which the narcissist went to instead and now he is reflecting on what on earth has just happened from within a sealed drum of isolation.”

Just then a text arrived on the third little empath’s phone and she gave a short gasp.

“HG approves,” read the text.

 

20+

The Narcissist and Marriage

THE NARCISSIST AND MARRIAGE

Marriage. Widely-regarded as one of the central events in a person’s life. Whether it is a traditional church affair with white wedding dress, a civil ceremony inside a football stadium, something unusual such as at the bottom of a swimming pool, a same sex union, a week long Indian wedding or getting spliced in front of Elvis in Las Vegas, marriage remain a celebration.

It is the idea that two people want to spend the rest of their days together. The concept that this other person is so important to you that you wish to pledge your fidelity, allegiance and your entire self to your significant other before whichever personal god you worship. Notwithstanding the differing ways weddings occur, it remains a joyous occasion and one which many people aspire to, with differing ideas of how the day will look and feel. People seek a happy, long and fulfilling marriage. Sometimes that does not work out, sometimes it does. Our kind are no strangers to marriage, indeed, of those people who marry more than once, our kind are probably well-represented. One might be forgiven for thinking that our kind are particular devotees of the concept of marriage and in some respects, that is correct, but not for reasons people would expect. How do we regard marriage?

  1. It is a brilliant device for future faking. Those who are love devotees, which includes empathic people, want to marry. They consider the act of union with the person that they love to be hugely significant and a true marker of intent and desire. Our kind utilise the significance that is attributed to marriage as the means by which we can continue to draw people to us and also keep them bound to us, even if we have not married them. The promise of marriage at some future point is a definite ace to play to prevent an appliance from drifting away. Whether this is an IPPS who we live with or a Candidate IPSS we have high hopes for or even a Shelf IPSS who has not (unsurprisingly) worked out what they are, the potential to become married is tempting indeed. The promise of marriage becomes a large comfort crumb to feed to the appliance and involves sentences such as:

“I think we should get married at some point.”

“When I get the next promotion, I think we should consider getting married.”

“We ought to get married next year.”

“When someone is as happy as you and I, we really ought to  be married.”

“I often think about what it would be like to be married.” (Not necessarily to you though)

“Can you imagine how great it would be if we got married?”

There is no proposal of marriage, no definite confirmation that this should take place but rather a vague and amorphous intention which can easily be put back when we choose so we can keep using this as a tempting morsel to keep you interested. It does not just have to be about stating an intention to get married but will include:-

a. Looking at engagement rings but never buying one;

b. Considering suitable wedding venues but never booking anything;

c. Discussing honeymoons but not booking anything;

d. Mentioning it to family and friends;

e. Drawing up potential guests lists but never doing anything with them;

f. Considering where to have the wedding list;

g. Considering what items to have on the wedding list;

h. Discussing colours for outfits, flowers, a theme and so forth but making no concrete decisions.

Such is the allure of the idea of getting married that it is probably the largest comfort crumb that can be fed to an appliance and the largest piece of future faking.

2. Marriage is extremely effective at binding an IPPS to us. We want to ensure that person is ours, owned by us and therefore by becoming engaged and getting married within a short time of meeting the IPPS we secure this individual and bind them to us through the institution of marriage. The appliance is made to feel ultra-special by us proposing to them and then marrying them.

3. It reinforces the concept of love which appeals to the empathic love devotee. As the song goes, ‘love and marriage, go together like a horse and carriage’. Love and all of its binding abilities, supportive elements and fuelling connotations goes hand in hand with marriage and therefore getting married is seen as a supreme act of love. Accordingly, marriage is always going to prove an excellent move with regards to ensnaring a choice empathic victim.

4. The façade. Being married tells the world that we can attract somebody, that somebody loves us, that we are desirable. It suggests stability and reliability and as such is a useful device for bolstering the façade so we are regarded as respectable and honourable. As Alec Baldwin stated in the film, The Departed

“Marriage is an important part of getting ahead. It lets people know you’re not a homo. A married guy seems more stable. People see the ring, they think “at least somebody can stand the son of a bitch.” Ladies see the ring, they know immediately that you must have some cash, and your cock must work.”

Several elements there which would support the façade and also appeal to our notion of getting ahead, and being seen as desirable.

5. Stability. This is a two pronged matter. The outside world, as mentioned above in the quote, regards a married person as more stable which helps with the façade. It also however helps our kind maintain stability with regards to the provision of fuel. This is especially important for the Lesser and Mid-Range Narcissists who may not have the sophisticated fuel matrices of the Greater. By securing the IPPS in this manner through marriage, the narcissist is gaining the advantage of knowing that there is going to be a reliable source of fuel for some time (both positive and then negative).

6. Religion. Whilst not as important as it once was (witness the rise of civil ceremonies) religion still plays an important part for many people with regard to the concept of marriage and where religion is a fundamental part of the life of the targeted victim, then this is something that we will exploit. Adhering to the religious significance of marriage enables us to use to not only draw a victim to us but also to bind them to us too.

7. The Preparation. Most weddings require considerable preparation. The wedding venue, a reception venue, what food will be served, whether there is a theme, stag and hen parties, guest lists, what will be worn, where people will sit, the wedding list, the wedding vehicles, the entertainment and so on and so forth. This provides us with numerous opportunities for the provision of fuel by repeatedly talking about our forthcoming nuptials, being able to show off in terms of extravagance, settling old scores and creating new ones through those who are invited and those who are not. There are a myriad of possibilities to use this occasion to our advantage when engaging in the preparation. Indeed, the different opportunities for gaining fuel merit an article in itself with regard to the run-up to and the preparation for a wedding.

8. The wedding day. This is one huge fuel fest. So many adoring appliances, jealous appliances, love-lorn and emotional. Everywhere we go, all eyes are on us. Scores of fuel lines running from us to all of these appliances, from the staff waiting on us, the vicar, the bridesmaids, the bride/groom, the guests. The power surge from all of the positive fuel (and there will be some negative fuel in there too – always pays to invite an ex appliance along just to keep things spiced up. My ex-wife repeatedly reminded me how she was surprised to find one of my exes at our wedding. I wasn’t surprised by how much fuel it kept providing me with thereafter). The day is one of fuel form start to finish and whilst everyone else is enjoying themselves through seeing love requited, the flowing alcohol and interesting dancing, we are gorging on the fuel that is flowing.

It is also worth making mention of The Pinnacle Effect. This is one of the interesting consequences of a wedding. Once the marriage has been secured there are those of our kind who find the explosion of fuel to be the best it can be in terms of positive fuel. This is also allied with the fact that the marriage also means that our kind see that the IPPS is totally embedded and ensnared. This results in the Pinnacle Effect. It is not evident with every wedding that occurs between narcissist and victim, indeed it less likely than more likely, but it is still worth mentioning. Once the ceremony has been completed, the reception attended and either the happy couple head off on their honeymoon or retire to their suite that night, The Pinnacle Effect occurs. The positive fuel is as good as it gets, the IPPS is ensnared and thus the devaluation begins. I have heard of numerous occasions where the blushing bride has become the bludgeoned bride or the amorous groom finds himself the alienated groom instead. The devaluation commences through being frozen out, verbally attacked or even physically assaulted.

9. Marriage applies to you and not to us. You have said the vows and we expect and demand you to comply with them. You will be faithful to us, you will look after us in sickness and in health, you will remain with us for better or for worse, for richer or poorer and so forth. You belong to us. That is the central tenet of the Narcissistic Relationship and the sealed nuptials confirms this to be the case. You will abide by these vows and be a reliable, faithful and compliant spouse. Of course with our sense of entitlement, lack of boundary recognition and failure to account, those vows do not apply to us. We will say them but we will not abide by them.

10. Marriage is a useful device. If you transgress in some way, we will hurl your vows at you (regardless of what we have done to offend them) and we will tell all and sundry that you have sullied the sacred name of marriage. We will wail about ‘wanting to make the marriage work’ when we perceive that you may be trying to escape us. We use the concept of marriage as a manipulative device to further our aims. You must be tied to us, you must save the marriage and not walk away from it, it is a yoke about your neck and a means to an end for us.

11. Stickability. The fact that you are married to us and you believe in the concept of marriage means that you are less likely to give up on it. You do not like to fail and you do not want to walk away without having tried to make it work. Binding you to us in this fashion means that we force you to keep trying and to cling on to us, with all the attendant benefits which subscribe to the Prime Aims also.

12. Divorce. If we marry you and we decide or you have the audacity to try to escape then it follows that divorce must take place. It is not a straight forward case of packing a bag and walking away. The fact that marriage requires a divorce if you seek to escape it provides us with further opportunities to draw fuel, bolster the façade and either hoover you back in or make your life a misery by pillorying you through the divorce proceedings.

It is rare to find a narcissist who has not been married and with some of our kind the marriages will number two or more. And why not? The institution of marriage is ripe for exploitation to further our narcissistic agenda.

Little wonder we are so ready to say ‘I do’.

If only you knew this beforehand so you could have said, ‘I do not’.

 

6+

The Devastation of the Illusion

the-devastation

You fell in love with an illusion. You fell hard and deep for something which never existed. The golden days that we created together were the twisted reflections of my manipulative hold over you. I know how anxious you were to try to recover the golden period. You poured your beautiful heart into securing the impossible. I know that my silences, my verbal violence, the cheating and the lies, my perfidious control of you was brutal, malicious and devastating. I understand that the whole avalanche of manipulative techniques I applied to you, in savage wave after insidious wave crushed your self-esteem, mauled your sanity and shattered your world. This brutality was nothing compared to the aftermath.

For now you have slipped away from my tight, choking grip. I know however that you sit looking from the window where you used to watch for me strolling up the driveway, a bouquet in my hands and the pain still wracks you as you remember how you fell in love with someone who was not real. Memory after memory stirs from within, an endless loop of ‘best of’ moments that you want to stop remembering but you cannot. It hurts yet you still want to remember because even as the pain rises in your chest, you still feel the flicker of your love for me and you still cherish that. Like the drug addict, you know that line of cocaine is no good for you but still you need to snort it. The cold silences may no longer chill our living room. The sting of my slap across your cheek has long since faded. The barbed comments I fired your way each day have lost their power to wound. All of that has gone. The one lingering, tortuous pain that still sits deep within you is the knowledge that you were in love with an illusion No matter how much you discuss it with your friends, the earnest hours with your therapist and the pile of books about healing that are stacked up besides your favourite chair (which I always tried to sit in before you), none of them help take away that awful aching.

You can manage the shame of being fooled. You take a strange pride in having given your all to such a despicable person because that is the person you are. Honest, decent and a provider of unconditional love. You do not want that to change. You do not want to lose the empathy for which you are renown. The battered bank balance will repair (eventually) and the dosage of the medication will come down (your doctor has said as such in soothing tones). The strength of character which made me choose you means you can deal with all of these things. The one thing that will never leave is that deep-seated pain that you loved a ghost. Your head will eventually accept what happened, that you were charmed, entranced and enchanted and you never stood a chance. That was why you were chosen. Emotionally, you will never lose that dull ache as you sit and reminisce about our time together and how wonderful being in love with me was. Your heart will never accept that it was not real.

That crack, that fracture, that tiny chink that remains from your frenetic and devastating time with me shall always remain. It is through it that I can return as I slip, shadow like into your heart through that unhealed wound. That is why we did what we did; so we always had a way back in. For all of the strength that you exhibit through never taking a call from us, from changing email accounts, from burning the pictures and changing mobile numbers, you are never truly safe. Yes, you manage to evade the snaking tendrils that we uncoiled to try to haul you back under our spell. You will have to maintain that vigilance for the rest of your life. Our polluting influence, if ever allowed near you again, will creep and trickle through the hole that will never seal. You are consigned to a lifetime of wariness and maintain your defences because that damage is permanent.

You will always be in love with the person you thought I was.

12+

Read and understand all about narcissists from the best source possible. A narcissist himself.

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