Your Royal Cerebralness,

You, at age 25, moved into my college dormitory. I was 19. The first time I saw you, you walked purposefully straight through the hallway, through the throng of boisterous students. You didn’t look at anyone, just walked above it all to your solitary space. You were miles above everyone. Like a moth to a flame, with no idea what drew me to you- every girl had their eyes on you and yet I was the only one who had the guts-  I knocked on your door and asked to borrow a broom.

How that led to me sucking on your fingers, neck, and ears, I will never understand. Never. It was like you were telepathically controlling me and I couldn’t resist. You had your eyes closed and head turned away- a posture I got used to seeing. Suddenly, you sat up and said “Someone’s playing with fire,” staring at me without blinking. You rarely blinked. (this promise never panned out the way I thought you meant it..it was a clear warning on your  part of something else entirely) Do I even have to mention that I dropped my very sweet and caring boyfriend like a hot potato in the hopes it would happen with you? You referred to me as “a redhead with the body of a pinup model” or “curves that won’t quit.”  but quickly added that you liked my desire for learning finding answers. I felt like a two-dimensional photograph on a calendar.

It was so tacky that as soon as I was back in my room, my friends and I had a laugh. You were a bit of an experiment to us. I had no idea that I was actually the one being dissected. You would talk about an ex that you had just gotten back with (long distance) and that’s why you couldn’t follow through. Then you would give me wine, beat me at chess (your favorite thing to do), and somehow get me to service you. This was not the way I behaved with anyone else and it disturbed me that it somehow always happened. You were very isolated. You were controlled. You were brilliant. The president of the chess club challenged you to a game in front of the dorm, and you wiped him out right away.

You dressed impeccably. Your genius had you graduate with highest honors. I was honored to be the one you allowed in to your high tower of all the girls in our school…except, how was it that when we ate together in the cafeteria, another girl gave me funny looks? The one you said was only a friend? Were you aware that I never believed anything you said? Would it have mattered?

What saved me then was that college was a busy time for me. I had lots of friends, was very outgoing and never concentrated too much on you, or you on me. However, I always found you to be an enigma. You would start to seduce me without even kissing me. Then, at some point, you would roll over, show me your back, and fall asleep while my desire consumed me. “You’re tempting” you’d say. This confused me even more. Your unblinking, flat eyes hid something very dark. I could never read them. The one and only time you kissed me, I suddenly felt a cold terror as you slid your tongue into mine like a snake, your eyes wide open. I felt at that moment the certainty that whatever you were, it wasn’t human. I faked some moans to get things ove rwith. You’d brag about those moans in the future. You slept naked, aside from always having your medical bracelet on your wrist- eggs and nuts being deadly for you. Is it telling that I took comfort in that?

I moved on to other people. We put each other on the shelf. I had decided that you were probably gay and conflicted about your sexuality. You moved away to graduate school, excelled and became top in your field. We chatted online sometimes, but you were on the sidelines. Periodically you would inquire as to who I was dating. Twice a year we would meet up for a day or a weekend, the same story- you’d be dressed handsomely, cook me a gourmet meal, and we’d laugh to some show we both loved. Then we’d end up in bed. No kissing, no sex (we never did have), you’d clam up and turn your face to the wall, again talking about that ex. I never bought it. I was sure you had emotional problems. When I called you an animal, you responded with a comedic tiny meow.

Even the way you spoke was condescending.  I never took it seriously- it made you look like a child. But subconsciously it had its desired effect. The way you spoke was as someone trying to sound human, you reminded me of an autistic girl I knew. I felt that below your facade there was hate, but could never see any proof.

I went on to lead my life and have a wonderful relationship with the best man in the world, G. Unfortunately, after three years I had to leave him for another country. At my going away party, you made a very unusual appearance. It was surreal to see you in person again. I had invited a girl we had known in college who was always interested in you- I was still with G and thought I’d do some matchmaking. I had no idea the punishment I was in for, the crime I had innocently committed by leaving you on the sidelines and introducing you to a peasant.

Ten Years Later.

I had left the country, and two years later married someone sweet and honest. I always loved G, but we couldn’t be on the same continent. When I got married, our very infrequent emails stopped- you didn’t respond. Twice. I figured you were insulted. Soon after that point, I didn’t have access anymore to email, I was living in an area where it was hard to find. I was out of contact with almost everyone aside from my family by phone. I loved our life, we had four kids. Had lots of friends and my own business. I still thought about G (in a healthy way), but never you. There was nothing of substance to think about.

Then- we moved to England. My British husband couldn’t bear the non-queueing ways of other nations, and we had to move. I couldn’t cope. The transition from equatorial sun to dismal darkness and constant rain brought me deeper and deeper into depression. Moving from a place where I had my own business. Where the culture gap was so large that I couldn’t make friends (death for an extrovert). It was at this low point that I re-connected (via now-accessible email) with my old friends from home, who I hadn’t been in touch with for 10 years. It was like no time had passed!

I started to have recurring intestinal pain.  The doctor was not helpful. I ended up seeking an alternative energy healer (which I didn’t believe in but was desperate). She said over and over again that someone I had a relationship with at age 19 had caused a feeling of rejection so deep that it was buried in my body. I scoffed. I couldn’t think of anyone. I listed the people I had dated. She “tested” and they all came up no. 45 minutes of thinking  later, I despaired of all help. Then, on the way out, you popped into my head. “couldn’t be x, could it? we never actually had a relationship” Oh, it was. It was you. She did her thing and I haven’t had a pain there since!

But it made me curious (this was the beginning of 7 months of hell). I sent you an email- acknowledging that you had cut off contact earlier but that I’d like to ask you some questions if I could. Your response was immediate. You denied having cut off (Odd. I knew that you had).I passed that off as you being weird, which you are- let’s be real. Not recognizing it as purposeful manipulation. I had just dived into a pool where an invisible shark was swimming.

My question was “What was all that back then? Are you gay? Was I not good enough?” Your response was full of magnetism. I felt myself being pulled forcefully in- how did you accomplish this!? You said no, not gay, just conflicted about his ex, and how regretted not having pursued me instead. You flattered me with words that were empty. And I could tell that they were. With barely concealed fury, you mentioned how you had come to my going away party. I couldn’t figure out what the veiled fury was all about. You started to send me many emails, listing my amazing traits and how you wished I were single. You said you were sorry for how you had treated me, that there was no excuse. What I heard was, “I’m saying that so you’ll let me do it again”

This is what terrified me- the fact that my logic was working fine, and yet my emotions controlled me. The voice of reason was small and in the distance. I started changing to meet with your approval. You chatted with me over gchat every day and every night- disappearing every few weeks on business (your phone didn’t work when you traveled?). I couldn’t relate to my kids, or my husband. I violated my religious beliefs and just kept thanking heaven that you were on the other side of the globe. I felt like I was living outside my body. I wasn’t present in my own life- I had given control over to you. I started to notice that you resented my achievements, whereas before you had lauded them. You tried to tell me you were taller than I knew you to be, just because my husband is very tall. You related to children as objects and referred to one as “it”. You caught yourself and made a joke out of it. I watched all your interviews online and drank them in. You were condescending, but I thought it was just how you spoke.

You said you hadn’t had a relationship in ten years aside from a brief one that left you catatonic when she left. (warning sign!) You gave the backhanded compliment “I can’t keep track of all your men”. When I dodged that with “men are one thing, G was another,” you shriveled up and whined, “well then where am I on the spectrum?”

“Nowhere. You never were” I replied. it was true, yet I remembered how you smelled and unconsciously bought my husband the same soap. It wasn’t until you mentioned it that I realized where I had smelled it before.

I couldn’t figure out why every time we spoke, I felt like my soul had been raped. Nothing to put my finger on. When you went missing for a few days (hiking?? right) I suddenly felt better. Huge warning. You started to falter. You’d brag about your radio interviews and I found it off-putting. I tried to tell you not to email me anymore, three times, and it never worked. You would say, “I’ve wanted this for so long” and I didn’t know that you meant revenge till later. I had periods of time from the college years with you that I couldn’t remember. “Probably for the best,” you said. Again, creepy. Whenever I asked you a clear question, you’d literally type nonsense. Very odd for such an intellectual.

All my friends said, “why do you even speak to that s**tbag? He was creepy then and he is now”. I couldn’t understand it. You seemed so magnificent to me, even as you pushed my boundaries little by little, destroying me and getting me to do things I didn’t think I ever would. I couldn’t see light. I couldn’t breathe. I was confused at how you didn’t mind my being married, even as you said: “I wouldn’t do this to another man’s wife.”

I begged my husband to help, to delete the email address and set up a new one. He couldn’t relate at all, he ignored it all.

The second time I tried to get rid of you, I told you that I was tired of trying to read between the lines, dealing with the emotional BS, and being objectified. Silence. I was free!!!!!!!! Well, for four days. Then came the first sign of “humanity”- the email written in such a tone I had never heard you use. it sounded normal! you said you were so sorry and regretted coming in-between me and my husband, listed reasons why you were so bad with expressing your feelings, and that really you just hadn’t wanted to admit that you felt more for me than a friend and that you were lonely as a bachelor…It was so emotive that I wondered if you had someone else write it! I carried it around and hid it under my pillow. I was like Chamberlain, waving around the document from Hitler.

I teetered on the brink. I knew if I didn’t reply I’d be home-free. I didn’t know what I was dealing with, it was just instinct. And yet, I replied. I said it was fine, no one’s fault, and that it was my depression about my situation that left me open to your wiles. I realized that may have been offensive, so I followed it with “hope i haven’t hurt you in some way”, eliciting the poisonously condescending  “Oh, don’t worry, kitten,  you haven’t hurt me at all. I’m just glad there are no hard feelings” (because he needed me to stick around for my punishment!)

I think that lasted a week because it seemed that I wasn’t allowed to do the cutting off. It had to be you. But I could feel the difference that last month. It was very calculated. You had a new, gorgeous apprentice helping you twice a month. I prayed that you’d turn your attention to her, or at least just die in a plane crash and save both her and I the annoyance. I could tell you were forcing yourself to string me along even though you were into her now, because you wanted the maximum effect. I knew it! and yet, I couldn’t stop! Finally, I decided to call you. We agreed on a time. I wanted to tell you in person to leave me alone. We rarely spoke on the phone.

No one picked up. I thought it was my calling card. I tried a few times. I texted you. You said it wasn’t ringing on your end. I tried a few more times and then went and watched a movie. An hour later, I received an email from you saying that those missed calls showed you how obsessed I was. I should never contact you again. (I knew it was you projecting but couldn’t believe you were capable of such a lie!)

I knew this was planned, and a huge wave of relief washed over me- free at last!. What I didn’t expect was the aftermath, the withdrawal. Nightmares, shakes, panic attacks- why? It was the feeling of having been so close to a shark and of having a relationship with someone who never existed.

Why indeed. A friend said, “he sounds toxic”. What the hell does that mean? I looked it up and eventually found HG’s website. I read for days. The disparity between what you said and what my guts told me had messed me up big time. The realization of how you planned it, and never even hid it from me! You often told me up front! Remember when you once pointed out that I was the only one who asked so many questions, but that you didn’t mind. (often you didn’t answer, other times you loved the attention). I said, “do other people have trouble understanding you?” you replied “Well, I understand me, but I live with me.” When you were ill and I asked what was wrong with you, you replied, “people have been asking me that for decades.” Wonderfully dark sense of humor.

I had wanted to be devoured by you. You reminded me of my father, but smarter.

I realized I had dodged a bullet in college, and ten years later, dodged a cannonball. But not without being injured first. The panic got less and less over a month, and it was made easier by my consciousness being returned to my wonderful family. Then the guilt- I had betrayed my family so easily. HG’s website helped me to recover quickly, and I learned to delete my email addresses. Although, being a secondary source makes me feel a bit more secure that you will leave me alone.

I still wake up with hatred towards you- for taking something that never belonged to you, that you never deserved. Did you know that I had reconnected with G at the same time? That talking to him was never over text, all by phone, and the contrast of feeling real humanity is the only thing that saved me? You told me I shouldn’t speak with him. Sorry, that’s the realm where you have no power. He was, and always will be, my love and best friend. He helped me get perspective. We would laugh together at your words, and you never knew.

Its only three months later, but the horror of getting out of a pool, looking down, and seeing that there was a shark there the whole time still sometimes gives me the creeps.  I pine for someone sometimes, someone who never existed. But now I no longer mistake him for you. I had started out by asking you what had happened all those years ago, and now I have the answer.

(And now my husband understands, too.)

So your break-up was hard and it left you wounded, the injuries both physical but mainly emotional and you have kept yourself locked away for months now. Seeking isolation as a means to address the upset that you have experienced and vowing never to date again. Your resolve has increased, with daily deliverances as to what he did mounting up as you hear about an accumulation of abhorrent actions. You decided to focus on what mattered to you and thus relationships were consigned to the back of your mind. Feeling stronger, the wounds healing yet not healed you face repeated invitations from your well-meaning friends, friends who have supported you through this unpleasant period of your life, to come out of hiding and let yourself shine once more. You agree and after extensive preparation you emerge,like a hibernating creature and join your friends in that bar that has been refurbished and is a honey pot for all the beautiful creatures.

I see you stood there at the bar. You are stood slightly apart from your friends as if seeking to preserve your personal space. I see conversation is directed your way and recognise that your friends are paying you what I would regard as an excessive level of attention as if they are repeatedly checking that you are okay. Occasionally hands touch your arm by way of reassurance and heads lean in as soft faces radiate kind expressions. I know you are being looked after. I know that you are being protected and that means you have been wounded. I scent the blood that has been spilled in your past and wait until the ‘phones are wielded to take various posed photographs. Time to approach.

I make my way to the bar and slightly turn to observe you and your friends as the photos continue. One catches my eye and I smile. She responds with her own smile and nudges her friend.

“Would you like me to take one of you all?” I ask as I move alongside you. Nods of appreciation follow and I am handed phone after phone as I commit your group photo to a digital memory. I engage in polite yet playful conversation with you all but remain focussed on your reactions. You are hesitant but laughing at my words, seemingly wanting to embrace them yet unsure as to whether you should. I pull out my own phone and take a picture of you all and then alter the focus so the lens homes in on you and you alone as I take a burst of pictures before wishing you an enjoyable evening and withdrawing to my waiting lieutenants. It is not long before a search of your image has given me your name and I am able to ascertain some of your interests from your Face book profile which include the fact that you are a keen dancer and have won several dance competitions. I do some research into dance competitions for young men and prepare my hook of having been a dancer in  my youth although a football injury put paid to my burgeoning progress. I absorb a few key elements of terminology and then make my move towards you. I flick the first domino and it begins to fall into the second.

We talk. We drink. We dance. I learn more about you. I impress judging by your friends’ responses. I secure your number and give you mine. I text courteously the next day. A dinner date is secured. The date goes well. I learn more about you, compiling my dossier about you as a follow-up date is readily agreed to. I surprise you with tickets to a ballet performance. You are delighted. The dominos keep tumbling. Your resistance evaporates. Date three is a pushover and then the dates become more frequent. I am in your house. I am in your bed. I am inside you. Three weeks becomes three months. The dominos keep tumbling as I know all about your past. I know all about your present too from my snooping. I engulf you in my world my lieutenants circling about you. I grab the wool and pull it over your supporters’ eyes, recruiting two of them into my fold. I raise you up. I draw you in. I flatter and charm.

Your time is with me. Your phone full of my love. Your weekends are filled by me. I stay at yours and you at mine. The toothbrush appears and then the overnight bag which remains in place. You wash the clothes for me and then I am there more than I am not. I disconnect those who serve no purpose from your network but you seem not to notice. Your eyes show me how enchanted you are as those dominos continue to tumble. The holidays are booked as I start to invade your future. I check your phone for you and relay messages. I read your post but you do not mind as I do it when you are busy to help you out. Naturally. The salami slices as I impose my world on you and you readily submit. I know all your friends, I know all about your work, your hobbies and your family. I am regarded as the ideal tonic after ‘him’ who we laugh about and who I know is one of my brethren but I never tell you. Your days are mapped out for you by me and you tell me often how lucky you feel. I do not disagree. I move in but keep my own house as ‘the market is not right to sell just now’. That bolthole is going nowhere. The social circle is established. You are elated. The world is offered to you and as the dominos clack clack clack you accept it all. The ring appears and you say yes. A date is set and plans are made as I give you the future. The tendrils are all around you, the fuel lines in place but of course you do not notice. I am with you, in you and around you. You sit at breakfast admiring the glinting ring on your finger as you remark.

“Do you know it is six months since we met in that bar? Who’d have thought it?”

I send you that special smile and you fail to notice my eyes blacken for an instant because you are still yet to discover that one thing leads to another.

I have made it plain that we achieve much of what we do through our insidious, “salami-slicing” techniques. This means that we do and say things which in themselves appear innocuous, that are readily explained away by your prevailing emotional thinking and therefore you are conned into either barely noticing them, failing to react to them or thinking that there is no risk or danger associated with the act.

Let us consider the position whereby you have ascertained that you are entangled with one of our kind. You have experienced the seduction, the devaluation and then we disengaged from you. You have been able to work out that you had a romantic entanglement with a narcissist and now, some time later, the hoovering has begun.

You have started to understand what this person is and you are gaining more knowledge about how this person functions and operates. The experience has certainly had its impact on you.

“There is no way I am going to get into a relationship with him,” you explain defiantly. You mean it. You do not want to go through it a second time.

Such a declaration rejects the ultimate fall – to be sucked back into the Formal Relationship and all that this entails. Only a fool would willingly agree to go back into such an arrangement, yes? So, if the narcissist returns and suggests that you and he become boyfriend and girlfriend again you are ready to reject that aren’t you? That is a clear and present danger.

Some of our kind may indeed make such a suggestion or even demand it – but this is done either out of desperation when there is a fuel crisis or when we know we are pushing on an open door and therefore far more likely to be met with agreement. Sometimes the Formal Relationship has somehow started again without it being stated as such,  it just appears to have happened and this latter state of affairs as somehow you have fallen again without even seeing it happen is testament to how a failure to prevent the small will result in your fall.

Whilst we may sometimes press for the ‘big ticket item’ such as resurrecting the Formal Relationship and sometimes that works, if we do so at the wrong time it is too obvious and therefore your new-found vigilance will spot it and unless emotional thinking has a firm grip on you, you will reject this obvious danger. It is too ‘big’, too evident and is therefore prone to being rejected by the victim.

Instead, the steady slicing we engage in enables your emotional thinking to rise, your resistance to be reduced strip by strip as we make steady and incremental incursions. We do not overrun you in one massive assault (this can happen under different circumstances) but instead this is a sustained invasion where the advances are sufficient to make gains, but are not too grand and obvious to avoid the obscuring nature of emotional thinking and thus alert you.

Our approach of bit by bit, small incursion after small incursion is effective and one small action will, aided and abetted by emotional thinking, lead to another one, only this one is a little larger and then onto another, which is a little larger again and we are moving forward, making our gains and you are not noticing or if you are, you are noticing to such an extent that causes you to do anything about it.

Let us take an example. The narcissist attended at your home and demands to see you. His sense of entitlement, lack of accountability and poor boundary recognition means he walks up to a window and stares at you through it.

As your eyes meet with his, your emotional thinking begins to rise as it senses an opportunity to feed your emotional infection. He stands at the window peering in and gesticulating for you to let him in. You can hear him saying that he needs to talk to you.

You do not want to let him in. That is a step too far.

Logic would tell you – “Close the curtains and put some headphones on so you cannot see or hear him.”

Your emotional thinking does not want that to happen. It wants there to be engagement, so it whispers

“Keep an eye on him, you don’t know what he is going to do out there.”

That sounds sensible. If you close the curtains you will not know what he is doing. If you put the headphones on you cannot hear what he is doing. You need to know – isn’t knowledge power? Emotional thinking dons the cloak and masquerades as logic, as offering a simple suggestion to protect yourself and thus you keep watching him and all the while your emotional thinking is being fed.

He is still standing there and then he paces around outside, moving near your car. What is he doing? He comes back to the window and again demands that you speak to him.

Your emotional infection is being fed, your emotional thinking is increasing and it wants to feed the infection further.

“Tell him to leave you alone, tell him you have had enough of him pestering you,” suggests your emotional thinking. That sounds like a good thing to say doesn’t it? Tell him to leave you alone and you are rejecting him aren’t you? Most likely however you say this angrily or nervously and therefore all you do is provide Challenge Fuel. Furthermore, you are continuing your interaction and thus the emotional thinking continues.

“I just want to talk, please can we talk? If you do not let me in, I will smash your headlights.”

He is threatening you now. Will he do it? He might – you know he has a temper. If he does that, you will need to repair the car and you need it for work tonight at your shift at the hospital and you really do not need the aggravation.

“He isn’t going to go away until he’s spoken to you,” whispers emotional thinking, “and you really could do without the aggravation of a damaged car. You can handle him, just give him five minutes and then make him leave.”

Yes. Five minutes. Avoids the car damage and you will then get him out.

“Okay, okay,” you say, “you can come in but only for five minutes and then you leave, okay?”

The narcissist nods. Your engagement continues.

You open the door and in he comes. He is now next to you. That familiar fragrance washes over you and in an instant takes you back to when you first smelt it in happier (albeit illusory) times. Your logic is crumbling. Your resistance is fading. Your emotional thinking is rising.

The narcissist sits down uninvited. You make to say something but you halt.

“No point making a song and dance about him sitting down, it will only make him stay longer, let him get on with it.” coaxes your emotional thinking. How right it is with such an apparently sensible suggestion.

You remain standing.

“Aren’t you sitting down?” asks the narcissist and he pats the sofa next to him. Just as he always used to do when he wanted to hold you and kiss you.

“No I am fine standing.” you assert.

He gives you those eyes. Oh those eyes, those eyes that showed you the world (reflected as it was) and promised so much, that seemed to show that golden now, that golden future and you do not think you will ever forget the way he looks at you.

Logic is vanishing. Resistance is lowering. Emotional thinking continues to rise.

“Please?” he asks softly.

“Oh, it won’t do any harm, just sit down.” instructs emotional thinking. You do so with a sigh.

He smiles and then begins his monologue. The promises, the apologies, the delicious words that you have so wanted to hear him say. But aren’t they just lies? Aren’t they just more manipulation? (Logic is trying to fight back). But he seems so genuine and what if he does make those changes? What if everything is going to be alright.

“It’s rather warm out there,” the narcissist halts his speech, “would you make me a drink please?”

“It is warm.” says emotional thinking. It adds no further explanation as you nod and head to the kitchen returning with a cold drink.

“Thank you Long Legs,” he smiles using that affectionate nickname he always used with you. You give a short laugh, trying to halt it, not wanting to show it pleases you to hear that name again but it is too late. The signal has been given.

He talks and you realise he has been here twenty minutes. You point this out but he persuades you to grant him a stay of execution. You listen as he continues. He lightly places his hand on yours and you feel that tingle of excitement again. The hour mark passes and he is still here. Two hours. Three hours.

Logic has been sat on and silenced by emotional thinking as the continued engagement causes it to surge. You offer dinner. He accepts. You watch a film together. His arm slides around you. You accept it and smile as you press against him the familiar feelings of delight and safety flooding you.

Logic has been sent to bed with no tea. Emotional thinking is running riot.

“I have brought you tea,” you smile placing the mug on the nightstand next to the bed. He smiles as he turns in your bed, his hand reaching for you and pushing through your dressing gown, seeking more of what occurred during the night.

From standing in the garden to being inside you.

You swore you would never sleep with him again.

Bit by bit the supposed harmless interactions in isolation allowed your resistance to falter, your logic to diminish and your emotional thinking to increase, surge and eventually govern you.

Each tiny interaction, because it was not halted. Because you did not close the curtains, Because you did not put the headphones on. Because you did not keep the door shut. Because you did not keep to five minutes. Because you let him sit down and so on and so forth this all led to your emotional thinking building and making you allow the next incursion, the next ‘salami slice’.

You think it is minor and it will not cause a problem. You do not see the harm in it. Indeed, your emotional thinking causes you to think it is beneficial.

You did not stop the small.

So, you got the fall.

Again.

Words are our tools. They come readily to us and we much prefer them over actions as they use so little energy. We have no sense of guilt, remorse or conscience that we are easily able to make promises with no intention of ever keeping them. You on the other hand hate to break a promise and we know that your adherence to this means that the effect our broken promises is significant against you and will allow us to draw fuel. You will be familiar with the nature of the broken promises if you have danced with our kind already but you may not know what we actually mean when we say certain supposed promises to you. If this dance is new to you, not only will you not know what is being really meant when we whisper these words to you, but you may not realise that this promise will not be kept. Here are five of the most-used promises we issue, that we always break and this is what we really mean when we say them.

1. I will always love you

I know that you love to hear such bold proclamations because they appeal to you as a love devotee. Indeed, you have been conditioned to believe strongly in the concept of love. I won’t always love you, in fact I will not even begin by loving you because I am incapable of feeling what you know to be love since it has been denied to me as an option. I understand what love is to you however because I am surrounded by people like you telling me what it means and it appears in books, on the television, on the internet, in films and advertisements. It is easy to understand what love means to you but impossible for me to feel it and therefore I can never love you. What I mean when I tell you this is that I am telling you what you want to hear so you will remain with me and provide me with the fuel that I crave. I am telling you that I will actually always want you so long as you give me what I need. My desire to be with you is entirely conditional on you furnishing me with fuel.

2. I will repay you

I will borrow money from you because of my sense of entitlement since either I have none and I want yours or I have plenty and I still want yours. If I have no money I need it and therefore I will want to borrow it from you. I will of course promise to repay you in order to induce you to lend it to me in the first place. I will then make repeated promises to pay you: –

“I am a little short this month, I will have it for you next month.”

“I am due a bonus in two months so I will pay you from that then.”

“I had an emergency and had to use the money for that.”

“I am not able to work at present but since you love me you won’t mind waiting will you?”

“If you really loved me, you would not ask for it back.”

Those of our kind who lack financial resources want the money for obvious reasons but also in order to strengthen the link between them and you, so that you have reason to remain in contact with them and to allow them to trot out excuses and reasons which will eventually provoke you through exasperation, frustration, irritation and upset.

Those of our kind who have ample financial resources do not have any intention of making repayment. Instead we use this borrowing of the money as a bridge between you and I and as above it is all about keeping a hook into you.

When we promise to repay you, we will not do so. What we are telling you is that we want to create a method of ensuring you are connected to us and able to draw fuel from you.

3. I won’t hurt you

Of all the broken promises this is perhaps the one which does the most damage. We are actually telling you this: –

“I won’t hurt you as long as you comply with what I want.”

It just so happens that we always omit the last nine words. We regard you as our appliance, an extension of our will and you are expected to do what we want. Provide potent positive fuel, succumb to our demands, run around after us, say yes when we want yes and no when we want no but you must guess which is correct. We want you obedient, compliant and submissive. Navigate your way through this maze successfully and you will not be hurt. Unfortunately, for you nobody is ever able to do this because you will always have to be hurt because we want fuel. You have to be hurt because no matter how hard you try you will always cause a criticism which will wound us and therefore we have to defend ourselves by lashing out and hurting you. You have to be hurt because there are even those of our kind, the malignant and the greater who delight in doing so.

The hurt will always visit you somehow.

4. I will be faithful

We cannot be faithful. We need fuel too much. Although most of it will come from you we need it from other sources as well and this will result in our infidelity. Infidelity comes in many forms, just as fuel does. To some it may be sharing long and intimate conversations, to others it is a kiss, to others it is sexual touching and to others it is full blown sexual intercourse. Our desire for fuel combined with our massive sense of entitlement and our failure to recognise boundaries means that we will be unfaithful. Add to that our lack of accountability, our failure to feel guilt or remorse and you stand no chance of ever ensuring that we remain faithful.

We say this because you want to hear it. This is most often used after we have been exposed as committing an act or acts of infidelity and we are concerned that you will leave us and thus take away our primary source of fuel when we have not secured a replacement yet. We will pledge that we will be faithful moving forward in an attempt to prevent you from causing a cessation to our supply of fuel. These are empty words. We will be unfaithful within the week, maybe not even that long, just so long as uttering such a promise stops you from going.

5. I will change

No I won’t. Even if I could, which is highly unlikely, why should I when there is nothing wrong with me. Everything I do is necessary to ensure my survival and my remaining elevated and superior. Just because you and others do not like the way that I behave does not mean that I have to alter what I am. I know however that you love to think that we can be cured of whatever ill it is that we suffer from. You want us to become better and different and naturally if this means we can get you to stay, do what we want and keep providing us with fuel we are content to tell you that we will change. We are experts at adopting false expressions of contrition as well to accompany this empty promise.

This vacant promise actually means

“I will carry on doing what I am doing and nobody will ever stop me.”

You may not think it but we do actually listen to you. I appreciate that may seem odd because you think the way we act means we cannot possibly be listening to you. We take no notice of what you say because we still go ahead and do the same things that we have done before. We keep repeating a comment as if we have never heard your answer the first time around. You remind us about the time we are meeting and we turn up late or not at all. You could be forgiven for thinking that we are very poor listeners. The reality is that we are very good listeners. The difference is that we choose to hear differently.

When you are shouting at us, advancing your argument in a forceful manner we will be responding to what you are saying, usually with denial and deflection. We are not interested in what you are saying, we are concerned with hearing your feelings. We want to hear the strangulated and seething anger that manifests in your words because then we know (along with seeing your contorted and reddened face) that you have reacted to our provocation and accordingly you are providing us with fuel. If you are hurling insults at us, calling us names and berating our dress sense, weight and intelligence we are not wounded by these criticisms because the fact you are spitting with venom, shouting them in a rage or shrieking with delight as you insult us means you are providing the emotion that equates to fuel. The harsh names just dissipate because we are not hearing them. We are hearing the emotion of what is being said, that is what matters. You can devise the most original insult the world has ever know but if you throw it at us with emotion then all we hear is your emotional reaction. Have you often wondered why we are smiling when you are arguing with us? It is because you are giving us what we want; fuel. Oh and also because we know that smiling at you will infuriate you all the more.

We listen to you with considerable attention during the initial stages of the seduction. We ensure that every snippet of information, every morsel of knowledge that will assist us in seducing you and binding you tight to us is heard and absorbed, filed away in readiness for use at the appropriate time. Each time you reveal to us a new restaurant you have found or a new play that has just opened which you like we take notice. When you tell us about your friends we listen in anticipation of bringing them under our spell also. When we listen at this juncture you think we are attentive and interested in you. Indeed, we are and your reaction to this is to praise us, thus providing us with fuel, and to feel attracted to us, thus binding you to us. Our interest however is not as you would normally perceive because our interest is borne out of the use we can make of what you tell us, in order to further our own agenda.

We also listen to you to understand how our behaviours affect you. We listen to the praise and delight you gush forth and we note what we did that caused this. When we subject you to devaluation we soak up the fuel you pour towards us but we also listen to how it is affecting you. You tell us about how it hurts, how you cannot sleep, how you feel anxious, how you feel sick, how you are frightened, how you do not understand. We do not care how you feel but we are most interested in you telling us this. This forms feedback based on our various manipulations. As we gather the fuel from your tearful pleading we also ascertain how what we have said has had an effect on you. We listen to you explaining to us how you feel because we do not feel it ourselves. We need to learn from you in this respect. We need to learn so we can mimic is when the need arises. We need to learn that if somebody feels a sense of loss then they will cry. Accordingly, if we anticipate losing you then an appropriate reaction would be to cry. We have learned from what you have shown us and what you have told us. See, I told you that we pay attention to you. We also listen so we know just how effective our manipulation has been. Is what you are telling us explaining a minor degree of hurt and sadness or is it more substantial? We do not know ourselves because we do not feel sadness ourselves. That redundant emotion was either stripped from us or never allowed to develop in the first place. Accordingly, in order to understand what makes someone sad, a little bit sad or devastatingly sad we have to observe your responses and listen to what you are saying. We do not stand and listen because we are concerned and because we want to find a solution to your state of sadness. That serves no purpose to us at all. What we are doing is listening to the detail of your misery so we can replicate it. We can replicate both in terms of pretending we feel miserable when the occasion suits us and we also replicate it to make someone miserable for the purposes of control and the gathering of fuel.

It is through listening that we hone our manipulative skills. It is through listening that we learn all about you, what you like and what you dislike, what your hopes are and what vulnerabilities you have that we can exploit. Through listening we understand how you feel so we can mimic this. It is through listening that we are able to comprehend how you are affected by what we do. Yes, we spend a lot of time talking, telling the world about how brilliant we are and this is of course the way of what we are but you would be surprised at just how much we listen. Just because we may not be listening based on what you deem to be important is does not mean we are not listening at all. Far from it.

Accordingly, next time you plead that we listen to you for once or that you beg us to “listen to what I am saying” you will find that we are and you will come to regret it.

Fundamental reading for anybody who has been involved with a narcissist.

US Fuel E-Book

UK Fuel E-Book

CAN Fuel E-Book

AUS Fuel E-Book

At the outset, the sex was off the charts. You would not describe yourself as promiscuous but neither have you lived as a nun. You have had numerous, if not extensive sexual partners and you know what works for you and you know what does not and it certainly worked with us. Now, of course not all of our kind are sexual Olympians, dedicated sexperts who are well-versed in the art of orgasmic sexual congress. You can discount the Victim Narcissist from such attainment straight away. Cerebrals, well they will talk a good game and will perform reasonably well, but as soon as there is no need to maintain, then they will not, but it would not be described as earth-shattering. Not all Somatics and Elites are necessarily going to make the world move, but most do and if you have been ensnared by one of these cadres then sex was sensational.

Then it wasn’t.

There is no interest shown in having sex with you or if there is, it is perfunctory and all about our needs and yours are just ignored, which is most bewildering after the triple A performances you once received.

Sex just isn’t the same. Not at all. It has gone off the boil and then frozen. The bedroom is an icy wilderness but oddly we are now ensconced in our bolthole until late at night. Some snooping reveals an extensive porn browsing history taking in all manner of different sexual tastes. You hear us make comments about other women or men (dependent on orientation) and people who appear on television or films are given an appraisal in terms of sexual appeal and what we would like to do with them. The libido appears alive and well. Just not with you.

You raise this turn of events with a confidante and explain how once it was all nosebleed inducing orgasms, hijinks from the chandeliers and extensive couplings through the night. You then details how you are lucky if you get a kiss. You offer that there appears to be no loss of interest in sex per se from us, our browser history confirms this, but there is clearly a loss of interest in engaging in sexual congress with you. Whoever it is you have turned to nods in understanding and pronounces that the way to get things back on track is for you to broaden your sexual horizons and this will put the spark back in to the relationship.

No it will not.

When sex is removed from the equation it is not the consequence of familiarity with the same body and the same techniques deployed that might affect the sexual activity of a healthy couple. It is not the fact that one or both parties is tired, stressed, worried the children will walk in, not feeling as attractive because they have gained weight/not had chance to shower/needs to engage in some pubic topiary etc. The sex has not dwindled through this common reasons which are symptomatic of a long-lasting relationship. No, the sex has been removed because it is not a manifestation of affection or love from us, but it is a weapon.

Giving you great sex is a weapon.

Removing that great sex is a weapon.

It is done to gain fuel and to control you.

Accordingly, your devaluation has occurred because your fuel is stale/not frequent enough/not copious enough and thus sex is withdrawn to provoke a reaction from you so you give us negative fuel.

If you try harder to engage with us sexually, if you suggest different activities be it role-playing, watching porn together, using different techniques, dressing up, introducing some kinks and so forth as part of this attempt to broaden your sexual horizons and thus introduce the spark into the relationship again this is what will happen.

1. You signal to us that our withdrawal of sexual interest has really begun to have an impact. All we will then do is decide to maintain it. So no matter how much new and desirable lingerie you wear, no matter if you have chosen to wear your ankles behind your ears rather than the Chanel, no matter how hard you try to be seductive and alluring it will be thrown in your face for the purposes of extending your devaluation and your provision of negative fuel.
2. You will also open yourself up to the exploitation of your now more liberal attitude. We will not accept what you have suggested but instead push it further with a view to finding some kind of sexual activity which we know you do not want to engage in but your desperation to please and to try will mean that you will go along with it. Dependent on your threshold, this might mean a threesome, group sex, water sports, rough sex, humiliation games, sex in public places, sex on camera to be broadcast across the internet and much more besides. Your reluctant agreement to engage in this will be seized on and you will be subjected to a range of unpleasant sexual behaviours which we will revel in forcing you into for the purposes of drawing negative fuel from you all done with the comment “You said you wanted to try something new.”
3. We will see this as a green light to open up further fuel lines by getting your approval to allow other people into our sexual activities, forcing you to sleep with other people as we watch, or allowing us to plough a furrow elsewhere and then tell you about it. This will all be done to enable us to gain fuel from these Intimate Partner Secondary Sources and/or Intimate Partner Tertiary Sources and to draw further negative fuel from you because of your reaction to this. You will go along with it but because of your empathic traits which cater to decency, honesty and fidelity, your reaction will vary from quiet dismay to out and out horror at what we have been doing and what we expect you to do.

Offering to broaden your sexual horizons with our kind is to open yourself up to further abuse through the maintenance of the sexual famine and/or the imposition of unpleasant and unsavoury sexual activities as a consequence of our need for fuel and also the maintenance of control over you. Sex, owing to its relationship to love and intimacy for many people of an empathic nature, means it is  weapon ripe for exploitation by us. Where you receive the erroneous advice of the ignorant it will only result in further abuse and hurt for you.

To understand in detail the attitude of the narcissist to sex, Sex and the Narcissist is a fascinating insight into the sexual dynamic between narcissist and victim.

UK http://www.amazon.co.uk/Sex-Narcissist-H-G-Tudor-ebook/dp/B01B8NKS4A

US http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01B8NKS4A

CAN http://www.amazon.ca/gp/product/B01B8NKS4A

AUS  http://www.amazon.com.au/gp/product/B01B8NKS4A

A series based on the comments made by people who fail to understand the true nature of narcissists and the narcissistic dynamic. Whilst these comments may be well-intentioned, they are incorrect, perpetuate misunderstandings and in many cases create false hope, dashed expectations and perilous outcomes.

“Perhaps if you tried to be more understanding.”

You are at your wit’s end. You are in devaluation at the hands and tongue of one of our kind. Nothing makes sense. You are told that we love you on Saturday and then on Sunday you are berated as a whore and you have no comprehension as to why. You are lambasted repeatedly through the imposition of name-calling, physical violence, triangulation, unfavourable comparisons, silent treatments and more. You may hear sentences such as:-

“I am sick of you trying to make me look bad.”

“Why will you never just do what I want to do? Why does it always have to be about you?”

“Stop talking over me. I can never make myself heard around you.”

“If you loved me, you would do it.”

“Why can’t you just leave me alone?”

“Why won’t you be more supportive?”

“You never help me anymore.”

There are thousands of similar comments and the worst of it makes no sense. Let’s return to each of these comments and accusations and beneath them detail what you have been actually doing and therefore this is why your confusion has arisen.

“I am sick of you trying to make me look bad.”

You do not recall ever having said anything bad about us, on the contrary you are also telling us how brilliant we are and you say this about us to other people. You never speak beyond the home about our horrible behaviours.

“Why will you never just do what I want to do? Why does it always have to be about you?”

You always do what we want. You cannot recall the last time you chose what we did or even did something on your own which you wanted to do. In fact, you find yourself always pandering to what we want.

“Stop talking over me. I can never make myself heard around you.”

You do not do this or if you have once in a while it is only because you are trying to make yourself heard as we keep ignoring you.

“If you loved me, you would do it.”

You do love us. You tell us this every day.

“Why can’t you just leave me alone?”

You give us time and space to do our own things but then we complain that you do not spend enough time with us.

“Why won’t you be more supportive?”

You are always looking out for us, looking after us and caring for us.

“You never help me anymore.”

You feel like an indentured servant.

The reality of what you experience does not accord at all with what we are describing but you just cannot understand why we are saying these things. Your head is spinning, you know we are not stupid but each time you try to show us that you do help us out, that you are supportive and so forth, you are accused of provoking an argument, of trying to control us or making us look bad. You try to explain, appease and apologise but it just seems to lead to more arguments or us storming off and disappearing. You are at your wit’s end.

You finally discuss this perplexing situation to someone else and they offer the advice that perhaps you just need to be more understanding. You feel like already are very understanding, but as an empathic person you are not only committed to making this relationship work, you are also willing to try more, try harder and try, try and try. Your advisor has explained that it might be that we struggle to convey how we really feel, that our words are not exactly what we are feeling and that it is a case of giving us time to express ourselves and by being more understanding we will finally understand what it is that is causing the problem. This makes sense to you because you are an understanding person and because you have not been able to understand so far, then why not try some more and perhaps you will make the breakthrough. It finally adds up and of course, desperate to make sense of this bewildering situation you are willing to try.

It will not work.

You are attempting to understand something which you cannot understand because you and your advisor have not grasped who it is you are dealing with. One of our kind. This means that you do not realise that we approach the world from the Narcissistic Perspective, using Toxic Logic. This makes perfect sense to us, but is perplexing to you. You cannot equate our behaviours to what you see and hear in front of us but neither will you, because you do not know what we are.

You do not realise that we must draw fuel. You do not realise that we must maintain the upper hand at all times. You do not realise that narcissistic criticism wounds us. You are unaware of the three types of interaction as described in Fuel, Fight or Flight. Since you do not realise that these are the pertinent considerations you do not grasp that when we perceive you as not paying us attention, our fury is ignited and we lash out by claiming that you do not support us.

You do not understand that we ignore the fact that you are supportive because in that moment we need fuel and if this means being contradictory and hypocritical, then so be it. You do not realise that we compartmentalise so that what happened yesterday is separate, distinct and not linked to what is happening now. You look for consistency, evidence supporting the proposition or rejecting our allegation. We do not look at it in this way and the more you try to understand and in turn the more you try to get us to understand, the more you fail to get anywhere.

You will keep applying your logic. You will keep thinking we must surely see what you are referring to. You will expect us to approach the situation from your perspective and this is completely wrong.

Once you understand our perspective, flawed and fucked-up as it may appear, you make a massive breakthrough. Suddenly you realise why we flare up over (apparently) nothing. Now you understand why we change our stance in the blink of an eye. Now you make sense of our (apparently) disproportionate response. You still think it is bizarre, ridiculous and astonishing but now you get it and the relief is incredible.

Unfortunately for you, you listened to the wrong advisor who does not know what we are and does not understand us. Instead, they suggest you try to be more understanding and you may as well flog a dead horse for all their mis-guided advice will achieve for you.

A series based on the comments made by people who fail to understand the true nature of narcissists and the narcissistic dynamic. Whilst these comments may be well-intentioned, they are incorrect, perpetuate misunderstandings and in many cases create false hope, dashed expectations and perilous outcomes.

It is often the case that a victim of our kind finds that the (unidentified) narcissist continues to keep in touch with them. As I have explained on many occasions, we will always look to hoover you whether it is post escape or post discard because there is the prospect of fuel and potentially the opportunity to draw you back into the Formal Relationship. Those hoovers are governed by the Hoover Triggers and also the Hoover Execution Criteria. If you are unaware of the nature of the person that you became entangled with, it is highly likely that you will keep triggering hoovers and the bar will be set low on the criteria, which means you will be regularly hoovered.

This may seem to somebody like we are just keeping in touch, wanting to see you, perhaps explain why things did not work out, organise to address outstanding issues. Those are the most likely views taken where the dynamic has been between narcissist and Intimate Partner Primary Source (“IPPS”). It does not end there however. In this dynamic, you will have been devalued and this will cause you to question certain behaviours that you have experienced and witnessed. If you are an Intimate Partner Secondary Source (Shelf or Dirty Secret) you may well not have experienced any devaluation and instead you are seen only at certain intervals, picked up and put down and we keep coming back to you, seeing you, sending you pleasant messages as we future fake and provide comfort crumbs. There is no ‘traditional’ malevolent behaviour towards you and yet you find yourself not elevated to a position of IPPS, so you find it strange that you are not referred to as the girlfriend or you do not meet our family and friends.

Whether you were the IPPS and you are now being repeatedly hoovered or you are the IPSS who keeps getting picked up and put down, these ongoing interactions can last for years. We have embedded you into our fuel matrix and whilst you may never return to the position of IPPS (or be crowned as such) you remain an appliance that we draw fuel from. This leaves you perplexed. We are intimate with you (or have been), we talk of future plans with you, appear to confide in you, yet there is not the sensation of being in that formal intimate relationship of partner, spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend. This leaves you puzzled as to what you mean to this person and why we keep engaging with you even though there appears to be no end game in sight.

Labouring under this situation you seek advice from a third party who listens to you explain the dynamic. They are likely to gloss over the devaluation (if you were once an IPPS) preferring not to get involved in conflict again and instead focus on what appears to be a more constructive interaction now as you are hoovered. Whether it is being hoovered or being placed on the shelf and removed from it, this advisor will deduce that our continued interest in you and our efforts to keep in touch with you (which may be strenuous at times – for instance tracking you down after you have moved) ) means that we are clearly interested in you and this should be regarded as ‘a good thing’.

No it is not.

The advisor is likely to suggest that because you clearly mean something to us that you should continue this engagement with us, perhaps look to increase it if we remain interested also (invariably you are) and therefore great things are on the horizon.

No they are not.

The only things you mean to us are in accordance with the Prime Aims (fuel, character traits and residual benefits).

This prolonged contact is born out of our need to secure these Prime Aims and keep you within our fuel matrix. We want to keep drawing fuel from you and we do this through the repeated hovering (even though we may never put the Formal Relationship of boyfriend and girlfriend back into place). We do this through taking you off the shelf and engaging with you as an IPSS and then putting you back there when we turn to somebody else. We will continue to do this for as long as we are able. Perhaps we will restore you to the position of IPPS following these hoovers or we might promote you from IPSS to IPPS and of course your continued engagement with us appears to have paid off. In the short terms yes, but ultimately that promotion or restoration is a poisoned one as your devaluation as IPPS will come about.

If there is no restoration or promotion you will be kept in this state of purgatory, never sure precisely what you are to us. You see us sometimes and then not on other occasions. You hear of us doing things with family but you may not be invited to join in. Certain social occasions are excluded from you also. You feel close to us because of the way we make you feel when we are with you but at the same time there feels like a gulf between us because we are not admitting you entirely into our lives. You may feel like the Other Woman or Man, you may feel like the Friend With Benefits, you may feel like the Secret Shag, you may feel like you are Permanently In Waiting and if it is this last one, you are correct. You are permanently in waiting as you are at our whim and pleasure. If we want to engage with you, we will, if we do not, we will not.

By convincing you that this elongated song and dance translates into you meaning something to us, your advisor has made an error of the ignorant. They have given you false hope that you are special to us, that we will make good on all those future fakes, on all those tempting promises and that those comfort crumbs will somehow gather together to make a Relationship Cake. They might, but it will not be to your taste in the end and more likely, they will not and five years later, ten years later, twenty years later you are still the one waiting for us to call and pick you up as you realise that your life has been placed on hold and all because you were made to think that this narcissistic behaviour of hoovering/shelfing denoted that you were special and you meant something to us.

If you recognise this behaviour in your dynamic with someone or that it is happening to someone else you know and care about, do not commit the error of the ignorant and enlighten them to the reality of what they are in and what awaits them.