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The Stolen Case of No

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No is a familiar word from our lips and I have explained its extensive use and important value to our kind on a previous occasion. We use now to exert our hold over you. It is not only used in that sense but also as a reminder that you have lost the use of no because we steal that from you and then, when saying “no” to you on a repeated basis we are flaunting what we have taken from you.

We steal your ability to say no very soon into the entanglement. We pluck it away from you with ease and subterfuge so that it seems as if you have placed the use of the word “no” into retirement when actually it has been carefully and quietly spirited away from you. During devaluation, the theft is far more apparent. It has been a brazen burglary, a smash and grab as each time we metaphorically hit you over the head (and in some cases also do so literally) and make off with your use of the word “no”. It is removed from you forcibly and then waved around in front of you on a daily basis, a vicious reminder that we can use it and you cannot. Therein this underlines our superiority over you. The acquisition of the word “no” is an early and key aim of when we ensnare you. We set out to take it from you, acquire it for our own extensive use and deny you the opportunity of using it ever again. Inevitably the questions of how and why we do this manifest. First of all, how do we achieve this pilfering? What forms does it take?

  1. You lose the capacity to say no to our advances during seduction.
  2. You cannot say not to spending time with us.
  3. You cannot say not to the suggestions we make.
  4. You cannot say no to the places we take you.
  5. You cannot say no to the gifts we shower you with.
  6. You cannot say no the first time we take your hand.
  7. You cannot say not the first time we move closer to kiss you.
  8. You cannot say no when we take you to bed.
  9. You cannot say no when we keep staying at your place.
  10. You cannot say no when we invite you to stay with us.
  11. You cannot say no when we turn up unexpectedly and invite you out for lunch or coffee.

Think back to your seduction (or if you are still inside this period consider the ongoing situation) and how readily you accede to all these requests. It is easy because there is always an upside. You cannot say no, because you do not want to say no, because you do not want to miss out on the experience of being with us and being bound closer to us. You do not realise this but we have already stolen your ability to say no. Just in the way that a totalitarian state tells you what to think, say and do, we do the same but it is all wonderful, golden and benign. This is because when we take away your capacity to say no during the seduction of the golden period we are governing you through love. This regime is as controlling as any other but is uses love to achieve governance.

What then of devaluation? How then does the theft of “no” occur?

  1. You do not say no to our demands that you run around after us.
  2. You do not say no to our command that you stay in and do not go out with your friends.
  3. You are forbidden from saying no to our demands in the bedroom, no matter how degrading and humiliating they may be.
  4. You do not say no to our sudden explosions of rage but rather you must deal with them and ride you out.
  5. You do not say not to the repeated crossing of your boundaries through our invasion of your personal space, the occupation of your accommodation, the use of your resources such as time and money.
  6. You do not say no to our coming and going as we please. We are entitled and we remove your ability to say no in order to further this sense of absolute entitlement.
  7. You do not say no to our erosion of your self-confidence, self-worth and self-esteem as we whittle them away through the repeated applications of our manipulations.
  8. You do not say not to our isolation of you, as we ensure you spend time with us and do not socialise with friends and family.
  9. You do not say no to the frequent manipulations that are applied to you, but rather you suck them up and deal with them as best as you can.

The totalitarian regime that we implement is no longer one which used love in order to govern. That has been replaced with fear. Fear of repercussions, of responses, reactions and consequences has the word no evaporate from your vocabulary. Even if you try and say it, it will not come naturally, but rather sticks in your throat until we seize it and pull it away from you once again leaving you with no option other than to say “yes”.

The theft of “no” continues even after you are discarded as well.

  1. You do not say no to our smearing of you to third parties, since you are bewildered and do not have the energy or coping mechanisms to fight back;
  2. You do not say no to our hoovering of you by saying no to our home visits, no to our telephone calls or no to our messages;
  3. You do not say no to the memories of us but rather allow them to fill your mind and continue our infection of you;
  4. You do no say no to wondering what we are doing and who with
  5. You do not say no to spying on us, trawling our social media profile and asking others about us.
  6. You do not say no to the reinstatement of the golden period.

No is denied to you repeatedly. It is taken from your lexicon of words and if you ever try to take it back, it is soon whipped away from you once again. We own your use of the word “no”. We understand the power that comes with its use and that is why we take it by any means possible. At first through the false love and then through the imposition of fear, intimidation and threat.

Why do we do this? Why do we make it our aim to remove your capacity to resist, refuse and thus say no?

  1. The word “no” is powerful. More so than “yes”. It is harder to say but when used it is powerful. We want to remove that power from you and have it ourselves.
  2. By preventing you from saying no to us we can control you and have you do what we want.
  3. Only the great have the ability to say no. We have it. Therefore, we are superior. You do not. You are therefore inferior.
  4. You know you should say it but you cannot. This damages your self-worth even further.
  5. Watching you try to say the word we have taken causes you pain, frustration, upset and anger, all of which lead to the provision of fuel.

The removal of “no” from you to us is a lynchpin in our manipulation of you. How ought you to deal with this theft? It is simple enough. Always remember where you have placed the word “no”, take it out, use it, practise with it, say it to yourself in the mirror and remember that the more you use it the harder it is for us to steal it from you and keep it from you.

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Crossing the Emotional Sea (Post Disengagement/Escape Battle No. 2)

 

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The first battle that takes places post disengagement or escape is the battle of the Emotional Sea. That is a battle that you are always destined to lose. You will always fight at least one Emotional Sea Battle because you do not know any other way. In all likelihood, you will face several of these battles because you will keep being hoovered back into our grasp until such time as you learn to recognise what you are dealing with and understand what you must do. Eventually and this may take several Emotional Sea Battles before you realise this and are capable of achieving the appropriate response, you either evade the Emotional Sea Battle by escaping as opposed to being discarded, or you prepare yourself for the eventual discard in a manner which means you no longer have to ensure the Emotional Battle. Instead, you move on to the next post disengagement or post escape  battle, that of Head versus Heart (“the HvH Battle”).

The HvH Battle (also known as the Logic v Emotion Battle) is a battleground where you stand some chance of victory. This battleground is one where you have gained understanding. It might be through your repeated exposure to our kind so that eventually something has “clicked” into place or more often than not it is as a consequence of an external agent who has explained matters to you. It might by a therapist, a friend, the content of a book, something you saw on YouTube or even something that I have written. Whatever has caused this understanding to increase, it is this which provides you with the fighting chance to win this HvH Battle.

You have been discarded and run the gamut of emotional fall-out thereafter. You may understand what we are. You may understand some of the things that we have done. You may be familiar with the fact that we will try to hoover you back into our grip. You may even be starting to comprehend that what has happened was all predicated on an illusion. The degree of understanding will vary but what is important for you is that you are allowing logical thought to be heard above the raw heat of your emotions. You once again will not just be battling against us but also yourself. We will be looking to hoover you in order to draw you back into our grip or perhaps we will be unleashing a malign hoover since we are unable to draw you back into our false reality and therefore we opt to keep extracting negative fuel by way of punishment for your treachery. You have us as an opponent, but you will also be fighting yourself as your emerging logic grapples with the still churning emotion. You have learned many things and you know you should apply what you have learned but still there is the emotional pull that you experience. You are not removed or detached from your emotions, they have not dimmed either, they are still there, raging away. The hurt, the love, the longing, the passion, the fear and the upset. An ocean of emotion which you once tried to cross but that was the Emotional Battle and you had barely taken four strokes as you began to swim before you were engulfed by the emotion and sank to the bottom of this sea, drowned by your own emotion. Now you have built a vessel. It is made from cool, hard logic. Critical thinking, once a stranger to you during your savage devaluation, has re-appeared. You can analyse and assess. It is unlikely you are able to do so at the level you once enjoyed before we came along but it is there. Whether this vessel is a tiny raft, a dinghy, a boat or a hulking great liner depends very much on the extent of your understanding. The choppy emotional seas will smash against your vessel of logic. A wave of sorrow will buffet you, a tsunami of longing will threaten to swamp you once again. Wave after wave of emotion will try and capsize your vessel as you try to navigate this emotional ocean. Chances are your life raft will be smashed to match wood and you will be tipped into the sea to drown once again as emotion subsumes you and you find yourself back in our hold. Your clipper may be holed beneath the waterline and you start to take on board more and more emotion as steadily you sink beneath the emotional waves once again. It is during this HvH Battle as you try to cross the emotional ocean, because what you must do is reach the dry land beyond and in effect put an ocean but you and us, you will be subjected to the push and pull of your emotions trying to guide you, to control your decision-making, your head will tell you one thing as your heart screams something else at you. This is probably the harder battle for you to fight. In the Emotional Battle, you do not stand a chance and your defeat is swift and total. During the HvH Battle you will make gains, suffer losses, seem to making a breakthrough and then out of nowhere a tidal wave will flip you from your boat and into the churning ocean and you drown once again. All the while we will be whipping up the waves, firing our torpedoes at you as we endeavour to cause you to sink into this emotional ocean yet again and you fail to cross it and win this battle. How might this HvH Battle manifest in the real world?

  1. You will know you ought not to contact us but you need to send a message to see if we respond.
  2. You will keep checking our social media profiles to ascertain if you are mentioned, if we are with somebody else and/or to find out what we are doing.
  3. You will ask about us to our coterie and lieutenants, often unwittingly doing so, so this is fed back to us.
  4. You will go on dates but find you are always comparing this new person to us and they are always found to be wanting.
  5. You know what the outcome will be but you just want one more night with us.
  6. You realise that we are unlikely to change but if you do not try you will never know, so it is worth one more attempt to talk isn’t it?
  7. You understand much of what we did and said was a lie, but surely it could not all have been an illusion? There must have been times where we really did love you and you need to ask us about this.
  8. You know we are bad for you, but you cannot help what you feel. Surely it would be better to stop this pain from being there all the time and just have it occasionally?
  9. You know you should not reply to our messages but it feels so good to have a conversation with us again. It has been too long.
  10. You know we are using you, but it feels so damn good.
  11. One kiss cannot hurt can it?
  12. You know better now, so going back will be different because you know what to expect. Armed with this new knowledge you can enter the lion’s den again but be better prepared.
  13. You know we are bad for you but you cannot bear the thought of someone else being with us and perhaps being the one to work.
  14. What if this time the apology is sincere and the desire to change is real? If you walked away from that, you would only be denying yourself happiness wouldn’t you?
  15. You understand engaging with us is dangerous but there are things you really need to tell us.

These and others besides are all examples of the inherent tension that arises in this tug-of-war between your cool intellect and your burning emotions.

Can you win this battle that rages post disengagement or post escape? Unlike the first battle, the Emotional SeaBattle which you can never win, you can be victorious. You may have to fight this HvH Battle many times before securing the win. In the beginning you may be clinging to little more than a log as you desperately try to sail the emotional ocean and you are swept from it. However, by reading and understanding, by disciplining yourself to apply logic, to prevent your emotions from engulfing you, by reading more and increasing your knowledge you will begin to increase your logic vessel. From log to raft to dinghy. Still you may be swamped and drowned again. But then it becomes a small boat, a yacht, a clipper, a steamer, a passenger liner, a frigate, a destroyer and a super tanker. Each time you rebuild, better, bigger and stronger as you learn more, making the vessel more seaworthy. You begin to chart routes so you avoid the most tumultuous emotional areas, finally beginning to steer through calmer waters until there it is, on the horizon, the sight of land and the final battle that occurs with our kind post discard.

The HvH Battle is not an easy battle. You will fight it several times, but each time you should be better prepared to cross the emotional ocean and improve your prospects of success. Sometimes you are taken unawares by some of our provocative tactics and dumped unceremoniously into the water once again, but it is a battle you can win through the dedicated application of knowledge and understanding.

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The Emotional Sea (Post Disengagement/Escape Battle Number One)

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Everything we do is regarding as a battle. It is a zero sum game. What you lose, we gain. There may appear to be a “win/win” scenario during seduction but it is not the case. Believe me, we are getting what we want, positive fuel in huge quantities and the repeated binding as we draw you closer and closer to us. You are made to feel like a queen but you will be deposed and beheaded or defenestrated in due course. You always pay for the golden period we shower you with. We draw up our battle plans when we ready ourselves to seduce you. The greater of us adopt the approach of every battle is won before it is fought. The lesser of our kind remain effective but they rely on being a blunt weapon, not possessing the intellectual finesse of us greaters. The lesser plans less and relies on the visceral (unknown) need for fuel to drive his battle strategy. His is all about reaction and immediate response, an automatic adjustment, which is invariably successful because he has been blessed with those tools, blunt as they may be.

Our engagement with you is not love. It is war. We conquer, overrun and blitzkrieg you into submission. We occupy you so that your heart and mind fall to us within moments. This army of occupation does not stop there as it raids the land it now resides in. Your resources become our resources and we ensure that our supply lines are fed from your assets. The occupation eventually takes a savage turn through devaluation as we slash and burn, looking to grind you into the dirt before leaving you a stripped, bomb-blasted shell and setting off for a new campaign against some unsuspecting target. The theme of battle and your entanglement with our kind being a battleground, is one which is repeated throughout your engagement with us.

This is especially so once the callous disengagement (discard) has taken place. It is then that you find yourself confronted with three battles which take place one after the other. Not only do you have us as our foe but in an especially unappealing turn of events you find that in fact you are actually fighting against yourself. The first battle following discard is the emotional one. You have been left with no explanation. If one was tendered it made no sense. You cannot reconcile where you are with what has been. The descent from gilded pillar into the dust has been swift and merciless. Every day you have run the gauntlet of scores of emotions, which has drained you, eroded you and taken a significant toll on your well-being. Your emotions are red raw, heightened and easy to trigger. Your pain is extensive, agonising and brutal and it is during this emotional battle that your ally of cool, detached thinking has not fled the battlefield, it never turned up to begin with. Your ability to assess, rationalise and consider your position with the necessary critical analysis evades you. All you are left with is a cauldron of emotion, which serves only to heighten your distress and your confusion. Nothing makes sense and you have not been left in a position to make any sense of what has happened. This is entirely deliberate. I know so many of you use the phrase “hot mess”. This is entirely apt. You are a mess. Your life is a mess. The heat comes from your raging emotions as you veer between hysteria and anger.

Of the three battles that you fight post discard, the emotional battle, the first, is the one which you invariably end up losing. This is because you are utterly ill-equipped. If you were an army your troops would be sharing guns, you would not know which way to face, your supply lines have been overstretched and in some places broken and the enemy seems to appear at will. The fog of war obscures your vision. Is that us advancing or just the silhouette of a tree? You cannot tell. Once you could, but no longer. It is a tortuous place and one which has been created through our design in order to ensure that when return (and we will) you will be in no position to resist. Weakened, governed by emotion rather than intellect you will be overrun easily. This is when the hoover operates. This battle, where all you have is emotion, means that you want the pain to stop. You want the golden period again. You give no consideration or thought to what might be the price of such desires, or whether it really is the golden period once more. You are ruled by emotion and this proves to be your downfall. We know this and this is why we ensure you are a churning, broiling scorching crucible of emotion. We create it, we want that. This is why your first attempt at no contact (without the benefit of specialist input) nearly always falls. You are not equipped to prolong it because in this emotional battle all it takes is for us to come galloping over the hill once again, offering terms of the golden period and you surrender in an instant allowing us to occupy your territory once more in the understandable but ultimately forlorn hope of a peaceful co-existence.

How do you win this emotional battle? You cannot. You are in such a position that we always win this battle. The key however is not to participate in this battle but rather avoid it altogether. If you know there is a battle you cannot win, why would you ever fight it? You would not. You would evade your foe, take steps to bolster your defences and seek to avoid this emotional battle. This is what you must do. Once you have gained awareness of the foe you are engaged with, possibly during seduction or more likely through the period of devaluation, you must then take those steps to prepare yourself. You either avoid the emotional battle altogether by escaping rather than being discarded. Alternatively, you steel yourself for the inevitable discard so that the emotional fallout is massively reduced and instead you find yourself transported to the second battle that takes places post discard which I shall expand on in a further article.

If you have been discarded, then you face the emotional battle and you will lose. You must avoid the emotional battle in its entirety or engage on terms in the second battle which follows post discard.

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A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 63

 

danny's letter

Whore.
Slut.
Suck.
These were words I’m all too familiar with these days. They spin in my mind like and endless groundhog day, over and over and over. The slapping, the spitting, the choking. Sex play you used to call it. If I knew what men wanted and did what they wanted in the bedroom then maybe I’d be married with a family by now you used to say.
I’m educated, tall, beautiful, and used to be successful. I used to care. I used to feel. I used to have hope, an outlook. Now, if I can get out of bed and make it to the back porch to smoke a pack of cigarettes for the day and make it to the store to buy food without having an anxiety attack around humans I consider myself lucky. Mostly, though, I’m afraid to leave my bedroom. You are everywhere. Memories, I see your car everywhere, your name, you laugh, your smile, I still feel you, I can still hear you breath, the way your lips moved when you talked, I miss you. You are everywhere. So I’m afraid to go anywhere. I once drove to your side of town for dinner with friends and had to leave because I was afraid I may see you. I know me doing this gives you all the power but I just don’t have the energy. Everything is exhausting. All my light, my love, my tenacity, my excitement…gone. I keep waiting to feel empowered again, feel alive.
It’s been over a year since I’ve seen you, except you coming back twice this summer for sex and I hate myself even more now. I thought about you for months and months then you appeared on my phone and I felt you loved me and had been as sad as I had been during our time apart. I was a fool.
Everything spins. It’s been so long and I can’t get back to my old self. I just sleep and try to stop the memories.
These memories…
The time you whispered in my ear on our first Valentine’s Day morning during sex, ‘you know the only reason you’re here is so I can use your three holes’. Then I started crying and you kept going and I had to put on a happy face because your friends were in town and we were going out with them. Then as punishment for my morning emotional antics you followed up the Valentine’s Day with anal sex without asking. Just grabbed the condom and I was expected to comply.
The time you told your friends the only reason you took me on a nice dates in the beginning of our relationship was because you were trying to get laid.
The times I woke up next you you and instead of smiling, or kissing, or cuddling with me you would just say suck. That word makes me sick to my stomach now.
The time you urinated on me on your rooftop right after a long talk about our future, children, moving to Florida, and how much you loved me,,, then, without asking, you just started urinating on me and explained you needed it because you suffered extreme sexual abuse as a child. Then you poured your beer on my head and pushed my head to the ground and told me to ‘smell it whore’ I acted like I liked it, I had to, because I had just gotten you back and I knew if I didn’t, you would leave. After all, you did say that men fall in love with women who do whatever they want in bed. I knew that was a bullshit comment but kept obliging because silly me thought you really did love me and really did want a future with me. After all… it had been nearly 3 years of on again off again with us and you kept coming back so I believed you did love me.
The time you made me smoke a joint on the phone so you could listen since you are a federal narcotics agent and can’t do it you wanted to hear it. So you begged and begged and begged me to smoke one so you could listen. Then, after I did, you laughed and said ‘you’re such a stupid dumb fucking whore’, you said it twice, then hung up.
All the times you made me recount the details of my sexual encounters throughout my life because that made you get off. I told you I hated story time and I didn’t like it but you always insisted. Tell me about a cock you sucked is what you’d always ask… tell me about someone who you fucked. Tell me how much you liked it.
All the times you would ask me ‘how many cocks did you suck today’… then you’d say ‘let me have my little joke where’s your sense of humor’ as if anyone would ever like being asked that question daily.
The time you came with me at the beginning of our relationship to my father’s cabin and as we fell asleep you popped an ambien, like you always did before sex, and then you whispered in my ear, ‘you’re not going to recognize yourself when I’m done with you’
You didn’t like my clothes, always said I had to show off my figure more. Then when I did, you treated me like a whore. I couldn’t win. The endless double binds. Now you’re dating a girl who looks like your sister and dresses like a man. It’s odd and I feel bad for her.
The times you always wanted to watch me have sex with someone else. I thank god daily I never allowed you to talk me into that. I thank god daily. But I still resent the incessant asking…
The time you came on my face then slammed it into the bathroom mirror and told me to ‘lick it off’… of course it was followed by ‘whore’. That was the first time I ever allowed anyone to do that. You knew it was my first time, and it was not fun. I’ve hated it ever since.
The times you would roll your eyes when I didn’t want to tell sex stories
Then you would ignore me. Say everything was fine and I was crazy and I’m not remembering anything correctly. You would always say I took everything out of context. I ‘misread everything and my regurgitating incorrect historical fantasies proves I’m nuts.’ you’d say.
All the times you would make fun of my friends. I had to spend endless amounts of time with your friends and family when they were in town but god forbid I go out with mine or that you spend time getting to know them. Funny how you never had any new friends in town and that the only people you called friends were all your friends from back home. Odd. No real friends here and never made any effort to make any either, and always said mine were idiots.
The time when you called me from a blocked number so I could listen to your new girlfriend having sex with you. I subpoenaed my phone records. I know it was you. You are sick. That poor girl. Maybe I should tell her. I have a recording of the call, maybe I should show it to her?
I’ve lived a pretty normal life. Solid upbringing, good family, good boyfriends and relationships for the most part. One that cheated but I feel everyone goes through that at some point in their dating life. Pretty normal. So part of my endless spinning is shame and guilt that I would ever allow someone to treat me or even talk to me this way. How did it slip in to a normal state of being? I don’t remember how it got to this point. It was so subtle. So discrete. And it’s all my fault. You did nothing wrong you’d say. It was all me. If I would only, if I would do this, or do that, or if I didn’t cry or get upset then…. it was always my fault.
As I recount these memories over and over and over along with many others, I keep asking myself how could you ever let anyone do that, say that!? And that’s the thing with this type of covert abuse… it’s slow, subtle, it sneaks in… and you don’t see it. It’s precluded with an onslaught of warmth, real love, excitement, joy, happiness and plans for the future. Then, slowly, one comment at a time. Crossing one boundary at a time until you wake up one day after crying in your bed for four months and realize what really was going on. Then it becomes less about the abuse and more about how you let it happen. Then the shame, guilt, embarrassment sneaks in.
Suck
How many cocks did you suck today
Tell me about a cock
Tell me you like being a whore
Say you’re a whore you stupid slut
You’re wrong
You’re making things up
I never said that
Good whore
Are you delusional
You know you want to let me watch someone else ram you
Did you stop and suck on a cock on your way home
Are there any cocks you sucked you didn’t tell me about
I was afraid to tell my therapist last year what happened. Who would ever let someone treat them that way. But I loved you and I wanted you to be happy… you were supposed to want the same for me. Like we did in the beginning. Back when it was so perfect for so long… it used to be so good. How did it get to this point. The worst part as I write this is knowing that you’ve never given me a single second thought. We talked about marriage, a family, moving in together. YOU talked about all that. And now I’m not even a passing thought in your mind. That’s the part that hurts the most. No final discussion, no apologies, no good-bye hugs. Just a shrug of your shoulders and a shimmer of a thought about a whore you once dated. I feel so badly for your new girl. I know what’s happening to her behind closed doors. All the promises, the warmth, then the darkness. The double binds. The endless double binds and the sound of your condom drawer being opened.
I could always see how insecure you were. Most insecure guy I’ve ever dated. Maybe that’s why you need the sexual dominance and debasement. Maybe that’s why I allowed it, because I wanted you to feel like a man, it made you happy. Somehow it makes you feel finally in control of your own sexual abuse, if that ever even really happened.
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A Preventative Hoover

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How many times have you declared that you have had enough? How many times have you vowed that you are no longer putting up with this behaviour and making a fresh start? How often have you put in place steps to depart and leave this confusing and twisted reality behind? We hear these assertive comments from time to time. We have subjected you to a sustained devaluation, provoked so many heightened emotional responses from you which has given us fuel. At times you did not know whether you were coming or going, your head swam and that dull ache in the centre of your forehead never seemed to diminish. You wondered who you could trust as you fought to establish what you believed was right against a backdrop of contradictions. From somewhere you mustered some strength, a bolt of fortitude sprang from the maelstrom and in that moment of clarity you knew it was time to go. This situation is not right surely? Nobody should be treated in this manner. Yes, it was the moment to depart.

Of course you could not do so without your parting speech. It was not borne out of spite or venom. Those are not watchwords that apply to you. Notwithstanding the horrendous treatment meted out against you, the repeated abuse and the incessant put downs, you still behaved with dignity and grace. There was little doubt that you wanted to lash out. You wanted to flail us with stinging words and some home truths, just in the same way we had used our acidic tongues and savage words to berate you, yet despite how much you wanted to speak to us in this manner you did not do so. Instead, demonstrating the empathy which attracted us to you all that time ago you explained how you still loved us. You fought back the tears as you explained that you loved us more than you did when we first became a couple and despite everything that has happened you still love us. You ought to have torn strips of us, levelling a lengthy charge sheet against us but you did not behave in this way. That is not who you are. You talked about all the wonderful traits we have and how you miss them, you continued to praise us even after everything that we had done to you. You stood there bearing the emotional and physical bruises and rather than lambast us for putting you in such a state you preferred to talk about the magical times we had together. You clearly had committed each of those occasions to your memory as you brought up each event and occurrence as the tears trickled down your cheeks. You explained how wonderful we made you feel, how you had never experienced anything like that before and you consequently truly believed you had found the one. You work through the golden period, talking about the trips we took, the days we spent together and the glittering and scintillating moments we created. We can see this is hurting you all the more yet still your selflessness continues. You are exhausted after the tortuous time you have been put through and yet still you only try to remember the good and thank us for those wonderful times. You tell us that although they lasted a few months, the memories of that time are seared into your mind and you will always treasure them. You explain that you will reflect on those memories and not what came to pass afterwards as you still prefer to think the best of us, despite everything we have subjected you to. Your nobility in behaving in this manner is most impressive and your admirable words continue to fuel us. You explain between sobs that you do not want to go but you have to. You do not want to leave everything that we have built up behind but if you do not do so then you will be destroyed. You apologise, yes you actually apologise that you have not been able to help us, to steer us away from the destructive and malevolent behaviour that has marred the latter months together. You explain how hard you have tried but admit you have been defeated. You express your desire for us to change and to seek help because you truly believe that we are a good person who just needs to seize on that goodness and allow it to shine. You tell us you have seen what we can do and achieve and you still want what is best for us. You stand there staring at us; some of your possessions already packed in the two suitcases which are waiting in the hallway. You tell us you will make arrangements with us to collect the remainder of your belongings once you have had a chance to think and breathe.

We rise from our seat and walk towards you. You are quietly sobbing and we take your hands in our hands and hold them in that tender manner you recall so well. The vicious squeezing that one day arrived out of nowhere is not in existence. Instead, we hold your hands and look you straight in the eye as we summon up a look we have practised before with others in the situation. The look begins as sorrow and then morphs into hope as we search your eyes looking for that flicker of flame once again through the tears. You hold our gaze as we keep searching and then we speak, our words soft and gentle, just as they were when we whispered into your ear as we lay next to you holding you late at night.

“I am sorry, I know this time I have to change. Please help me be the good person I know I can be, that I want to be. Something is wrong with me and I do not know what it is, but you can save me, you are the only one. Please do not leave me. I cannot survive without you. I need you. I want to make you happy again because someone as wonderful and as loving as you deserves it. I will get help but I know I can only do it with you at my side. Please, please stay.”

The short speech is delivered with true brilliance as I gather the right inflection in tone coupled with suitable contrite looks and mannerisms. I continue to look into your eyes as you let my words sink in. The moments pass and then the light flickers, that flame of hope sparks into life and I know your next words before you have even spoken them and I begin to give you that enticing and winning smile again.

I know that you will stay. Again.

You end up stuck. Again.

This is a form of Preventative Hoover and when you roll out that supposed parting speech, you are leaving yourself exposed to such a hoover.

They often work as they target your empathic traits of guilt, sympathy, not wanting to give up, hoping for the best and wanting us to heal.

Tip us off as to your intentions and you will face such a hoover.

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