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Narc Detector

narc detector

One of the most fundamental questions that must be answered is

“Is he or she a narcissist?”

You need to detect the narcissist and who better to do so on your behalf than me, with my extensive and unrivalled expertise.

Whether it is your husband, girlfriend, boss, brother, neighbour or best friend, ascertaining whether this person is a narcissist (or not) is crucial with regard to putting your mind at ease, formulating a plan to deal with the manipulations of the narcissist and to enabling you to secure freedom.

Knowing if the relevant person is a narcissist is the foundation stone of achieving understanding and freedom.

Submit to me information about the individual as per the guidance sheet which is provided once the consultation is booked and engage my narcissist detection expertise to confirm whether the person is a narcissist and if so, their school and cadre.

The process

  1. Effect payment.
  2. You will be e-mailed a common sense protocol governing the terms of the consultation.
  3. You will be e-mailed a guidance sheet assisting you with the type of information you should provide to maximise the accuracy of my assessment.
  4. You then submit upto 1200 words. If you exceed this then please purchase additional words at US $ 40 per 500 words, you may purchase as many additional bundles as you require.
  5. I will provide an audio file confirming whether the individual is a narcissist and if so, explaining why along with detail as to their school and cadre. This will be provided within 96 hours of submission of your information.

To effect payment, use the PayPal button(s) below and I shall be in touch  shortly thereafter.

(Please note if you experience a delay in hearing from me this is likely to be as a consequence of my absence owing to professional matters. Feel free to email me and if I am away, my out of office reply will give you the relevant details as to when you can expect to hear from me.)

 

Narc Detector


 

Additional 500 words


 

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Outside Looking In

 

outside-looking-in

 

You think about me every day. You wait for those teasing and tempting text messages which come through repeatedly during the day and then dry up around 6pm when you know that I am home with her. Once in a while there might be a sudden text at 9pm telling you that she has popped in the bath and that I love you, I miss you and I hate being apart from you. The text also warns you against replying and therefore all you are able to do is touch the glowing screen and try to feel the sentiment behind these electronic messages of desire.

How you cherish that period around 5-30 pm when every day we speak on the ‘phone, just you and I. I am driving home from the office and I use the half an hour or so to regale you with my compliments and to issue those promises that perhaps one day I will be driving home to you. Whatever you are doing you always ensure that you are available and your ‘phone line is free in order to engage in this call. You now arrange social engagements to take place later or you remain at your workplace, ensconced in the office, appearing to be engaged in a business call, save that you smile far too much for something that is work-related. That half an hour of heaven when we talk as if we were properly together, making plans, discussing the things we like and dislike, planning the next time we can snatch some time to make love without being detected or laughing about what was discussed when we met for lunch.

You manage to arrange to have lunch with me at least once a week. We deliberately choose a place that neither is likely to be recognised in and we place ourselves around the corner and out of sight. Hands held beneath the table and then removed when the waiter nears us, just in case. Stolen kisses, lingering looks and promises, oh so many promises of the wonderful world that awaits us once I manage to free myself of the chains of my marriage.

You listen carefully and attentively, showing the empathy for which you were chosen as I make oblique references to my miserable home life. Each time you gently press for more information to enable you to understand what it is that I have to ensure. What it is that I have to put up with and what it is that has driven me into your arms. I try not to say too much at first. I do not want our oh too brief times together to be spoiled by my tale of woe, but your sympathetic ear proves irresistible and I allow you to learn of the injustices that I suffer on a daily basis.

“We just do not get on any longer.”

“She lost interest in me sexually three years ago. I am amazed I have lasted this long.”

“Nothing I seem to do is good enough. No matter how hard I try, she always finds something to criticise.”

You listen and nod. I know you are desperate to weigh in and slide a knife between me and her and cut our bonds, but the decency that you are imbued with prevents you from doing so. You even suggest reasons why this state of affairs is as it is. You are kind, generous and understanding.

You thrill to my sudden calls out of the blue. You always answer after one ring, sometimes even less, thus denoting that your ‘phone is kept next to you at all times. Your voice always tells me how delighted you are to hear from me. When we meet your eyes, your kiss, your hugs and your spoken enthusiasm cause me to soar as I witness your devotion and desire.

You experience a surge of excitement when you are disturbed by a chime in the middle of the night and see that I have managed to issue another text to you.

I cannot get you out of my head and had to let you know. Don’t reply, I am in bed with her.

The delight that you experience at hearing from me when you expected not to is tempered by the knowledge that I am with her and not you.

The weekends are hardest as you often tell me. I can tell you want to say more but I know you are fearful of pushing me away by being too demanding. I text you when I can and even managed to call you, speaking in hushed tones from a toilet cubicle or a changing room in a department store, stifling my laugh that I have pretended to try on some clothes just so I can call you.

I keep you hooked though. I know how much you want me. I know you love me and I know you want me to be loved, to take me away from the misery of my marriage. I promise you that one day we will be together. Now is not the time, it isn’t quite right at the moment, there’s a family event coming up and it wouldn’t be sensible to drop such a bombshell with that on the horizon, there is a family holiday she booked it and I didn’t know until now but what can I do? I will have to go. I keep the promises coming and the excuses flowing and still you hang on.

I know you wonder why I keep my ‘phone close to me. You haven’t said anything yet but I am not stupid. I can see the suspicion in your eyes when I wake and immediately check my mobile.

“I am waiting for an important e-mail that may have come in from the States overnight,” I explain and issue a disarming smile. You nod. You seem to accept the explanation.

You have complained how you are unable to ever get me on my ‘phone when you ring when I am on my way home. How many times have you left messages asking me to pick up some milk or to collect one of our children from swimming or football only for me to pick the message up too late?

“I need to be available for my clients. They don’t know I am driving home nor do they care; they need to speak to me. After all, if it wasn’t for them we wouldn’t have this would we?” I explain pleasantly sweeping an expansive arm at the large house and expensive furnishings all around us. You nod in acceptance. You understand my work is important. I tell you often enough that it is.

“I wish you would meet me for lunch when I come into town,” you say every week or so. I kiss your forehead and tell you that I wish that I had the time to enjoy lunch the woman I love but it is a sandwich and a bottle of fizzy water at my desk for me. There are targets to hit. You nod in understanding and tell me that I work too hard. I thank you and my mind drifts to what I will eat in that Thai restaurant I will be having lunch in tomorrow.

“I wish they would leave you alone,” you sigh when I turn away from you in bed after having made love to you. Your hand lingers on my back, wanting to maintain the closeness and the connection as I attend to my ‘phone on the night stand and issue a late night text before placing it face down.

“I know but it saves waking up to a problem,” I say before turning back to you and kissing you as we nestle in our marital bed.

I know you cherish our weekends together when the demands of the working week intrude less on our domestic life. I can sense you looking at me as I sit, phone in hand, a smile of contentment playing across those lips but nowhere near as wide as the smile inside of me as I fire off a tempting and teasing message.

“Just seeing if Dan is available for squash next week. Tuesday night, so I will be back late,” I say across the room by way of explanation, opening up a gap in the week for someone other than you. You smile and nod and return to your book.

“I love you,” I say suddenly and you look up, the devotion and desire burning in your eyes and it seems so familiar almost making me say something, but the thought passes and I wallow in the admiration and love that you send towards me. You have never ceased to do that.

You do not know about her.

She thinks she knows all about you.

Neither of you really know what I am.

Smearing the Cast Off

 

smearing-the-cast-off

 

The ex-partner. There will always be one when you engage with our kind because we accumulate them in the same way that people buy clothes, easily, frequently and prone to being in or out of fashion. We will readily forget about an ex as if they had never existed or resurrect them in order to prove what we had to endure before you came along or to remind you that you have fallen from grace and we should have stayed with your predecessor. The ex-partner is a staple ingredient in any of the triangulations which we deploy with you. You never know the truth about our ex partners from what we say. You may speak to themselves at some point and learn the truth, possibly even allying with one another but we will busy with the new person, focusing on the replacement, happy to forget the exes or pedal more lies about them. Here are six of our favourite and typically contradictory lies about our exes.

  1. I was abused by them

Straight out of the gates and tearing along Sympathy Highway is the frequent refrain of how badly we have been treated by your predecessor. She or he was a monster, horrible and heartless. I treated him or her so well, like a prince or princess, giving that person so much love and attention and all they ever did was throw it back in my face. I gave them my all and I got nothing back but abuse. Violence, sexual humiliation, financial ruin, name-calling, silent treatments, you name it, I was subjected to it. My massive dose of projection is aimed at smearing the predecessor should they ever come near to you and attempt to convince you that I was actually the abuser. I also want you to feel sorry for me and with that delicious empathic nature of yours want to protect me from the beast, that harpy, that vicious ex who harmed such a precious and wonderful person such as me.

  1. I was trapped by them

She or he knew they were on to a good thing when they met me. I am a good person, always looking to help people, think the best of them and do the right thing. I have always been regarded as a catch of course and I know you will agree with me as I tell you that someone like me, beautiful, intelligent, well-read, urbane, successful, well-paid, entertaining and magnetic is quite the trophy. I can see you nodding in agreement. I don’t ask for much because I am giving and tolerant and I think they knew that about me because he or she took advantage of my better nature and trapped me as soon as they could. They made me move in with them/they moved in with me. They made me buy a house with them. They proposed to me within two weeks of meeting. I became pregnant/she fell pregnant within moments. I didn’t mind because I am such a firm believer in love but now when I look back I realise that I was take for a ride. They wanted to trap me and they did this by co-habiting/marrying/having a child so soon after meeting. I am not one to shirk my responsibilities and I stood by them notwithstanding how horrible they were to me once they knew I could not leave. Don’t misunderstand me, there is nothing wrong with moving in so soon or becoming engaged within weeks or conceiving in a matter of a month of two of meeting, but it has to be with the right person hasn’t it?

A massive reversal of roles as I tell you the truth of what has happened with the ex but reverse the roles and then use it to lay the ground for doing the same to you, with your blessing.

  1. They are crazy

I have to warn you about my crazy ex. She is obsessed with me. She won’t leave me alone. She checks my social media profile, I know, because my friends tell me and she uses fake profiles to leave me messages and comments. I would close my profiles down but why should I because that would be letting her win wouldn’t it? I She hangs around outside where I work and follows me to my house. She will probably try and speak to you and no doubt tell you lots of lies about me. Don’t believe a word of what she says. She just cannot get over the fact that I finished with her and she cannot let go. She has to know what I am doing because her life is so empty. She lives through me you see, but don’t worry, I know what she is up to and I will deal with her at the suitable time. You have no need to be afraid as I will look after you, but I felt it only right to warn you because she will obviously try and split us up, not that that is going to happen is it? Good, I am glad you nodded and smiled. She is totally off the scale.

More projection and smearing of the ex in order to keep the truth of my behaviour from you, paint them as the Crazy One and bind you closer to me as I appear to be the heroic defender.

  1. Better than you

I don’t know why I got with you. You treat me far worse than my ex. I should have stayed with him or her and never bothered with you. You just annoy me all the time. Not like her or him. He or she was wonderful, interesting and thoughtful and he or she loved me more than you could ever do. I don’t know why I let you lead me away from them, I must have been put under some kind of spell. Is that what you did? Did you charm me away from them in order to make us both unhappy? What a horrible person you are. She or he is a better cook/worker/entertainer/person/lover/parent/host than you. I must have taken leave of my senses when I chose you over them. You should look at them and learn from them and perhaps, just perhaps you might make amends for what you have done and make me happy again. I should go back to them, but why should I give you the satisfaction of hurting me again. I am going to make you work hard and give you a chance, because that is the type of person that I am, to make amends for the horrible thing you have done. You have a chance to make it up to me and to try harder. What are you waiting for?

  1. I still love her

I still love her. I do. Sometimes you meet somebody who has that effect and you have made me realise that I still love her, more than I love you. I know that may sound harsh but if you can take one thing away from you and I and that is that you have helped me realise what I truly feel and what I need. You will always have my thanks for that. I know this may hurt you but you should take solace from the fact that you have done something good and made me realise what is worth fighting for. I must go and win her back and tell her that I love her. I am sure you can find happiness for yourself somewhere but it is not with me. I know you love me, I am easy to fall in love with, but I want someone else more than I want you and you should know by now, I don’t accept second best. So, I am going to go now and be with the one I truly love.

Of course I don’t love anybody at all, but if this artifice brings fuel from you and from her, then I will say whatever is needed won’t I?

  1. She still loves me

What can I say? She loves me still and I suppose you shall just have to get used to that being the case. You should understand because I know how much you love me and she is the same. I guess we will just have to live with the fact that she will keep reaching out to me, wanting me and trying to come between us, but I know I can count on you to stop that happening can’t I? No, there is no need to approach her, I think it would only be upsetting, for both of you. I know, I cannot help but care about you both, for you are both special to me, but leave her be, let me handle it. The best thing that you can do is love me more than she does, adore me more than she does and do everything in your power to keep me here. It shouldn’t be hard should it, given I love you so much.

She actually hates me and never wants to see me again but there is nothing wrong with incentivising you to submit to my control and give me more fuel is there?

The Three Strands of Empathy

the-three-strands-of-empathy

The concept of empathy can be divided into three types. There are three identifiable strands.

First of all there is the idea of cognitive empathy whereby one can understand the point of view of another person, recognise and understand what the emotions of another person mean and what the accepted response should be. I am able to understand another person’s point of view but I will rarely accede to it, unless I see some ulterior gain to be obtained from expressing that I understand their point of view. Even where I explain I understand, I am still unlikely to accept it.

Of course, empathic individuals are experts at understanding another person’s point of view but they will go further than this. They will exhibit patience to allow that point of view to be articulated, they will ask questions to draw out this view and they will apply it to their own situation and experiences. Empathic individuals want to understand the other person’s point of view. They not only give it a platform to begin with, but they also allow it to be aired, expanded and applied. It is little wonder therefore that this cognitive empathy bleeds into the empathic traits of patience, needing to understand and needing to know the truth. Furthermore, having such cognitive empathy means that the empathic individual is far more susceptible to the word salad, circular conversations, lies and half-answers that our kind provide. The empathic individual endures these manipulations as he or she tries to wade through the quagmire in order to flex their cognitive empathy so that they understand the narcissist’s point of view. Of course, since our point of view operates from a completely distorted and different perspective, you have little hope of achieving it.

Greater Narcissists have substantial cognitive empathy. We understand the other person’s point of view and emotions. We also know how to respond so we can mimic the external indicators of those emotions which we do not possess (such as joy, happiness, sadness or concern) and thus we fit in with those around us with considerable ease. There is the slightest discernible delay as we rapidly recall what the appropriate response is and then ensure we arrange our features, language, tone and body language to match the emotion we wish to convey. We do not feel it.

Mid Range Narcissists has good cognitive empathy and therefore follow a similar path to that of the Greater Narcissist, however there may be more of a delay before the mimicked emotion is displayed. Sometimes the MRN will get it wrong and provide a response which is somewhat out of sync to what is required, or may come across as stiff and robotic, since they do not have the practised ease of the Greater in mimicking the acceptable response.

As for the Lesser Narcissist, they either have no cognitive empathy at all (Lower Lesser and Middle Lesser) or very limited cognitive empathy (Upper Lesser) accordingly you will be faced with someone staring at you as they are unable to comprehend what they should be doing. This coupled with their lack of awareness means they often have no idea that there is something wrong and similarly have no idea of what the appropriate response ought to be.

Secondly, there is also empathy concern or emotional empathy whereby one is able to instinctively feel the emotional state of another person, feel a need to address that emotional state and therefore show the appropriate concern for the individual usually through actions, as opposed to solely through words.

In all three schools of narcissism, our capacity with regard to emotional empathy is absent. We feel nothing for anybody else. Our cognitive empathy (where applicable) enables us to recognise something is wrong, what the response of the individual means (anger, hurt, upset, frustration etc) and therefore we can (should we deem it in our interests (calculated where Greater or instinct for the Mid Range Narcissist) to respond in a particular way, but we do not feel anything. There is no emotional response from us to your situation. We do not share your joy, we do not feel the need to comfort you because of your pain, we do not feel concern in our chests for your misfortune. We merely observe and intellectualise the response (where appropriate).

We feel nothing.

Unsurprisingly, the empathic individual has all three elements of this particular strand of empathy intact and in intense quantities. The empathic individual is able to recognise the emotional state of another with considerable ease, even if they are trying to mask it. They absolutely feel and recognise the need to do something when they see somebody else’s emotional reaction. This compulsion is almost irresistible for the empathic individual and they are also fully-acquainted with what they should do by way of response. They will share in the joy, congratulate when someone is happy through good news, console when someone is miserable and hold them when they are heart-broken. The empathic individual is no different with our kind and see our emotional response – albeit from a limited selection – feels the need to address it and also knows how to address it. Thus when we discharge our fury, our hatred, our envy and our antipathy, the empathic individual owing to this concern empathy is always galvanised into action, will rarely shirk the challenge and addresses the issue even at considerable cost to themselves.

Finally there comes the idea of the emotional contagion. This is a deep-seated and one may even regard it as a spiritual element of the empathic individual. This is not just about understanding a point of view or recognising an emotional need and response, this is about feeling the emotion just as somebody else does. Thus if a friend is upset over the death of a parent, the empathic individual is contaminated by this grief and experiences the same emotions as if they were grieving themselves. This not only means that they fountain with fuel which of course our kind will exploit but that they are powered into recognising the need and doing something about even more than would be afforded by the cognitive empathy and concern empathy. The emotional contagion exists in all empathic individuals but is more intense in certain people. Indeed, its intensity may even go beyond being proximate to the person experiencing the emotion. An element of the emotional contagion will watch a television programme and where the main character is frightened, they will feel that fear also. They will read a moving newspaper article about the plight of an orphan and they will feel that despair as well. It is an immensely powerful part of empathy and causes the empathic individual to have to respond to it. Those with a majority element of the emotional contagion (the Contagion Empath) experiences the positive and negative feelings or energy of others, even when distant and this feels uplifting possibly overpowering, or draining and indeed burdensome. Those with the majority element of the emotional contagion feel a deep-seated connection, they experience the ‘presence of others’ and find it necessary at times to remain away from people in order to divest themselves of the deleterious effects of being able to ‘feel’ so much.

We have no such emotional contagion. It is completely absent and therefore we have nothing which might cause us to feel something so we act upon it. There is nothing there. The plight of the orphan is not felt by us and we are utterly unmoved. The fear of the heroine on television is regarded with annoyance since our primary source seems more concerned about that person than us. The only time that we regard this emotional contagion as any use is when it serves our purposes when the empathic individual fountains with fuel because of it and directs their empathic traits towards us. We do not have this contagion and we do not feel anything in the way that you would do.

A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 30

 

 

A LETTER TO THE NARCISSIST -NA'S LETTER

Hello my old friend

No need to kneel or strip, the hurt will be of a different kind today. Are you excited? I know Im looking forward to it.

I would ask how you’ve been but then I would have to endure one of your vapid monologues on how important you are and exhausted at having the world upon you.  God you really are a bore. I thought I would never be able to retrieve my eyeballs from up in my skull after another one of your diatribes. You do know that the people who smile, listen, and kiss your ass like you do mine, do so to get what they want and are paid to do so? Well you have nothing of worth to offer me so I am under no such obligation. I told you what you wanted to hear and there was not much truth to any of it, just as you did to me.

Of course Im not being fair. You could choose to start talking about your second favourite subject-your balls. Your fascination with them is mind numbing. They are really but two saggy sacks of expired seed that could not produce a boy and are of no use to anyone. The seed is trapped there for all eternity due to your inability to produce the life altering hard-ons I was promised in the beginning and that you knew you could never deliver. Not that I was really interested. I wanted to excavate your mind, only to be disappointed by the vacuous hole that matches the one where your soul should be. Oh, and the pictures of the injuries to them that you sent me? We both know that is not my work but please do give my compliments to whomever caused them.

It was wonderful in the beginning wasn’t it? I confirmed you were every bit as handsome, intelligent, and god-like as you believe yourself to be. I loved filling you up with the power that allowed you to do the difficult things you must do to keep up the facade because it benefitted others, and kept those who coveted your position at bay. I warned you though not to get nasty-to get that from the others. It was so amusing and completely unnecessary when you swore on your pathetic existence that there were no others. I never cared.

Who knew that when you inevitably did, that I would have armed myself by slogging through all those pages of an ancient Inquiry to find those kernels of shame you thought long buried. It must have stung like that one disparaging remark about your physicality (hand to throat in mock horror) made in a book citing your accolades. How I laughed inside while you struggled to compose yourself and demand to know how I knew these things. You cant say I didn’t warn you.

Oh, and I’ll continue to decline your offer to meet and “leave my brand” on you. We both know thats a trap I wont be falling into as I am not “The One” as you called me, but the treacherous bitch that I really am. But you’ll keep trying-your sickness demands it.

N.A

This Time It Will Work

this-time-it-will-work

When you first come into my sights, when you appear between those crosshairs and I sense your empathic qualities, your adherence to the traits which make you so attractive to me, I am filled with optimism. I have spoken on many occasions about my need to extract fuel on a daily basis. This ritual necessitates the acquisition of someone who will be my primary source and then a whole host of secondary and tertiary sources who are drawn from friends, family, strangers, colleagues and so forth. It is a ceaseless task but one which I am built for, one I have been designed for and one which I will always apply myself to. I prefer to conserve my energies and that is why I live in hope that this time the person that I have targeted will be the one who will not let me down. On this occasion I have found the person who will be my primary source so that I never have to embark on the devaluation of this person because they have failed in their obligation to provide me with fuel. Many people may regard me as prejudicial person and it is true that I pre-judge people, but only ever do so on the basis of satisfactory evidence. I look for the necessary traits in how you interact with others, the things that you say and what you do. I watch carefully before I make my move. When I see the very things which I cherish and require for the purposes of gathering fuel, I experience an elation. There is excitement and anticipation. Mostly it is because of the fuel which I hope to gather from you, that delicious and golden fuel which super charges me, invigorates me and provides me with the power to sail through life charming and attracting. However, my excitement is not all based on the anticipation of tasting your fuel. No, a significant part of my anticipation is borne out of the fact that you might just be the one. You could be that person who does not let me down. You could be the one who finally provides me with such sweet fuel that I never have to go elsewhere for a primary supply. I cannot give up my supplementary sources as they are a reserve and a contingency for when I am not able to draw my main fuel from you as my primary source. This is not because I have cast you aside or because you have committed that treacherous act of escaping me and instigating no contact. Not at all. The reserve is required because owing to various factors I cannot be by your side every hour of day or in some form of contact with you to this extent. This means that much as I delight in your sweet, sweet fuel, I am forced to obtain it elsewhere and this is from those supplementary sources. It is you however that I still look to for the best fuel. You who I look to in order to provide me with the most fuel and to do so with comforting regularity. I want this fuel from just one primary source. You seem to think that I revel in the abuse that I dole out when I devalue my primary source victim, but I do not. It may look that way, a side effect of the power that courses through me as I drink deep of that negative fuel but in truth I would much rather never have to go down that route. I would prefer that you continue to pump out that positive fuel to such an extent that it always remains satisfactory for me. I want you to be the one that is always there, reliable, dependable and magnificent in the production of your fuel. You would benefit too. There would be no awful abuse as devaluation takes place. There would be no mystifying discard (mystifying to you at least – it makes perfect sense to me) and then I would not even have to go to the trouble of applying various types of hoover in order to bring you back to me. Imagine avoiding all of that and remaining in the glorious golden period of seduction the whole time? I know how much you love that. I have seen it in your eyes, I have seen you speak of it and of course I have seen how hard you have fought at times to recover it. You adore and worship the golden period and you can have that. You can have that all the time. All I ask of you is to keep providing me with that fuel at the potency and level that is appropriate and demanded. It cannot be too difficult for you can it? You once did it. You provided it brilliantly but then you let me down by not providing the quality I was used to. You diminished the frequency and became unreliable, thus hurting me and that could not be countenanced. You had to be hurt in return. There was no hope for any other way. Imagine being able to avoid bringing all that horror on yourself as you keep doing what is necessary. You keep giving me my fuel at the prescribed level and in return you get to stay in the golden period forever. This is what I hope for too and you think that I am selfish. Not at all. We both win. You have the golden period and I have the golden fuel. This is what I hope for each time a new target presents itself and I begin my work to consider moving to the seduction of this target. I am filled with hope, I am filled with optimism that this time, just for once, you will keep on doing what I need and you will not let me down. No matter how many times this has happened in the past. No matter how many times I have been betrayed and hurt by the treasonable conduct of those who said, so many times, that they loved me and they always would, I have always continued to believe in the power and capacity that the next target may just be the one. I am not a bad person for believing in that way am I? I just want to find the right one for me. Just like you do.

You want to find the person that you will love for the rest of your life, I want to find the person whose fuel I will love for the rest of my life. Surely you can understand and appreciate that? Surely you must accept that such a notion is noble? Surely you understand why I always think that you might be the one. This time.

The Narcissistic Covenant

the-narcissistic-covenant

 

There is a covenant which exists between you and I, between our kind and your kind. It is not necessary for you to provide consent to this covenant in order for it to be binding. You do not know that this covenant exists but it does. Its terms govern the relationship between us and you, whether you are entangled with the Lesser of our kind, the Mid-Range or the Greater. It matters not. The covenant applied from the moment that we selected you to be our victim. There are ten parts to this covenant and they reflect the mind set and attitude of our kind towards you and how you and I interact. There is little doubt that in looking back at your entanglement with us you will recognise certain elements of this but whilst you were very much in our grip, you would have no idea that these were the terms which governed our treatment of you.

  1. You were chosen

Our ensnaring of you might have been portrayed as chance, a piece of serendipity but it was not. You were chosen to be our victim. The Lesser will have instinctively recognised your potential without knowing why. The Mid-Range will have applied some thought to the process, potentially dismissing less favourable candidates. The Greater identified you, monitored you and then moved in for the “kill”. In every instance you were chosen.

  1. You belong to us

You are an object to us. An appliance. Therefore, we are able to assert proprietary rights over you just as we would with some other kind of object or chattel. Since we own you, we choose what to do with you, without recourse to you or anybody else. This is our inalienable right.

  1. You exist solely for our purposes

We are the centre of your world, the heart of your universe and at all times everything that you do should be focused on us, for our benefit and advancement. You do not exist for your family. You do not exist for our children. You do not exist for your friends, colleagues, fellow members of a club or congregation. We are all that matters to you.

  1. This is forever

This covenant lasts for ever. In our minds it is one that exists in perpetuity for we do not wish to contemplate our own demise and care nothing for yours, other than it inconveniencing us by the interruption to our supply of fuel. This relationship transcends all others. You may have told us that you do not wish to be “with us” any longer. You may have broken off the engagement or divorced us. In our mind all that you have done is end the Formal Relationship which is something that people lesser than our kind engage in with one another and that which we accede to for the sake of fitting in. In our minds our relationship exists beyond this Formal Relationship. This is the Narcissistic Relationship and means we remain entitled to effect the terms of this covenant against you at all times until your last breath or our last breath.

  1. This is totalitarian

There is no limit to our power over you. We are entitled to and we will exercise our right to, govern every facet of your life, interfere in everything that you do, monitor you and control you in order to achieve our aims. You must accept that you are entirely subservient to us.

  1. You cannot end this covenant

You have no rights under this covenant. You cannot bring about its unilateral termination. Indeed, it cannot be ended at all. You are not able to state that its terms are inapplicable to you, that it has no jurisdiction or effect over you. Such protestations are invalid.

  1. We owe you nothing

We are entitled to do as we please without challenge, question or restraint. We have no obligation to do anything for you. We have no compulsion to act in your interests, have regard to your opinion, your feelings or your desires. If we do so, it will only be for the advancement of our position.

  1. Fuel provision is paramount

The provision of fuel is above all else. This is in terms of what you must provide to us and also in allows us to seek fuel from other sources, whenever we deem necessary and howsoever we choose. Concepts of fidelity and monogamy are null and void with regard to this part of the covenant. Issues of protocol and etiquette and meaningless.

  1. The Ends Justifies the Means

The covenant grants us carte blanche to do what is necessary for our purposes. This is supported by our concept of total entitlement and the fact that we have no accountability, culpability or blameworthiness for any of our actions. Whatever needs to be done will be done to ensure the furtherance of our agenda, aims and needs.

  1. We are the Victim

We are the victim in all of this. This is why the covenant exists by reason to compensate us for all of the outrageous injustices, misfortunes, unfairness and hardships that this cruel and feckless world has meted out to us.

How To Handle The Narcissist At Work

HOW TO HANDLE THE NARCISSIST AT WORK

Narcissists appear in many different arenas. Commonly, people find narcissists in a romantic ensnarement or familial one, however, our kind also appear in social groups, as neighbours,  as customers or clients, as club members and in society as a whole. 

We also frequently appear at work.

A common reason given to failing to implement total no contact is the issue of working with a narcissist. The attempt to escape the nightmare of ensnarement is viewed as unachievable and increases the concern, fear and anxiety for the victim. Plagued by concerns about losing their job, being made a scapegoat, seen as a troublemaker, being denied opportunities and promotions many people continue to work for, with and alongside narcissists with all the attend problems which arise from this

Using HG Tudor’s established expertise with regard to the field of narcissists and narcissism, this Assistance Package addresses a wide range of matters in an easy-to-understand manner, with practical advice and tips which have been successfully used by individuals working with narcissists and all based on HG Tudor’s unrivalled understanding.

This Assistance package covers

 Handling a workplace narcissist as part of your no contact regime

Dealing with the issue of scapegoating

Common manipulations that the narcissist will use in the workplace and how to counter them

Whether to complain about the narcissists treatment of you and if so to whom and how

How to handle the issue of requiring a reference where a narcissist is involved

Handling adverse appraisal outcomes given by a narcissist

How to address communication with the narcissist within the workplace setting

How to handle harassment issues arising from the narcissist’s behaviour

How to deal with a narcissist who is a peer

How to handle a narcissist who is a subordinate to you

Plus much more ground-breaking and supportive information.

*** Please note this Assistance Package does not cover the romantic involvement with a narcissist in the workplace. Such an issue should be addressed through an Audio Consultation (see the menu bar for details) ***

To receive this information which costs US $ 125 for a comprehensive Assistance Package which you can access in your own time and at your own pace, simply use the PayPal button below to make payment and you will then receive a Common Sense Protocol which governs the Assistance Package and thereafter the Assistance Package itself.


 

No! You Are The Narcissist! Part One

 

no-you-are-the-narcissistpart-one

 

The issue about the state of awareness of our kind is a central piece of the puzzle. Victims struggle with the proposition that someone behaves in such a way as we do yet does not see what they are doing. How can he not realise what he is doing? How can he not see that he is wrong? How can he not accept that I am right, I have the evidence in my hands? How can he not grasp that it is him and not me that is causing the problems? How can he not recognise that he is being selfish, hurtful or abusive? How can someone not know that they are behaving in this manner? I daresay you have said one or more of those questions at some point. Our awareness of what we are also dovetails with your awareness of what we are. As I have pointed out previously, next to nobody spots our kind when we first entangle with you. Even if you have been ensnared by one of our kind already, you stand a good chance of being ensnared a second time. Often the realisation as to what has happened to you may not take place for many years after the event or once the discard has taken place. You may realise that you have been entangled by a narcissist during the devaluation or more likely when we return looking to effect a post-discard/escape hoover. Almost without exception, once you have realised who you have become entangled with you have the overwhelming desire to tell us that you know what we are. It is a moment of triumph surely? You have been advised by an outside influence and/or you have read extensively and so many of our behaviours match with that of the narcissist. You have had your “aha” moment and whilst your head may still be swimming from the experience, your heart pulled all over the place and so many questions remained unanswered, you now know what we are. You have the knowledge and you are going to unmask us by telling us straight that you know and you are going to tell us direct what we are. It is time for you to strike a long overdue blow back at us. Thus, armed with this knowledge, what can you expect to happen? As you would expect, the response of the narcissist depends on which type you have become involved with. Let us begin with the Lesser Narcissist.

The Lesser does not know what he is. He acts through instinct, reaction and knee-jerk responses. If you tell a Lesser that he is a narcissist, chances are he may not even understand what you mean. If you have expressed this knowledge in a fuel free fashion, if he does not understand what one is you would most likely be met with the ignition of his fury and comments such as

“Why are using fancy words all of a sudden?”

“What are you using dictionary words for? Are you trying to make out that you are better than me?”

His inability to understand what you mean will be perceived by him as a criticism of him. He will feel wounded and thus his fury will be ignited. Lacking much in the way of control he will lash out at you as he instinctively seeks fuel for the purpose of healing his wound. He does not know that this is what is happening, nor does he understand his reaction, but this is what will happen. If you happen to have gained your awareness from a book and you use that to justify the label expect that book to be torn in half or thrown on a fire as knee-jerk response.

If the Lesser has some understanding of what a narcissist is, he will again only see it as criticism. Like many he will consider the label to only mean that he loves himself. You can expect responses such as: –

“Are you saying I love myself? Huh, guess I have to because you don’t anymore do you?”

“I love myself. You have some cheek. Have you seen the way you go on, preening yourself and swanning around?”

The Lesser will immediately deflect this perceived criticism by turning the position around and engaging in blame-shifting against you. He will seize on any evidence to hand which shows that you are the self-love and not him. If you have recently bought some new clothing, you can expect that to be brought up and you challenged for your spending habits. Said clothing is likely to be ripped or thrown away. If you have a range of potions and lotions which you use as part of your beauty regime, they will be seized on as evidence that you love yourself. They will be thrown around the room as the fury ignites, poured down the sink or smashed up.

The Lesser will not and cannot accept that he is a narcissist. He does not know what he is and therefore has no awareness. If you attempt to “educate him” by explaining the various traits and behaviours of narcissism and link it to the way he behaves, if you do this in a neutral fashion you will be heaping more criticism on him. Every point you made will be met with deflection and denial.

If you say,

“Look, I am just trying to get you to see that when you go out and disappear drinking before coming home and demanding sex, you are not showing any thought for me and ignoring my boundaries, that is the behaviour of a narcissist.”

You will be met with,

“Oh so now I am not allowed to go out drinking am I?”

“I don’t demand sex, you never give me any as it is and anyway you should, what’s got into you these days? Getting it somewhere else are we?”

“Boundaries? Narcissist? Who has been filling you head with this shit? I bet it was Lucy wasn’t it, she has never liked me.”

As the ignited fury erupts you will witness the paranoia, blame-shifting, denial, projection and deflection as the Lesser avoids discussing the issue. It does not register with him at all. No matter how obvious it may seem to you, he cannot grasp that he can be at any fault. It may be plain as day to you, the narcissistic behaviour matches exactly with what he does, but for all your explaining he will not accept it. Firstly, he will not do so because he does not know what he is, therefore he lacks the capacity to accept it. Secondly, even if he could he will not because of the defence mechanism that we have, namely that we are not accountable.

The denial and deflection will continue until you show signs of exasperation, upset or anger. When this fuel appears, this will assist the Lesser in healing the wounds he has and therefore he will, instinctively, be looking to push you to providing him with fuel through his responses. If your questioning persists and is done in a neutral manner, he will be forced to lash out (of course you will be blamed for his) which will result in verbal violence, destruction of property and physical violence as well. The Lesser’s paranoia will convince him that you are trying to catch him out in a way which he does not understand (nor can he) and all he knows is that he feels a sense of considerable discomfort. He does not know that this is caused by the failure to provide fuel and the wounding caused by your repeated criticisms. He will instinctively need to protect himself and this means getting fuel. He needs to head off your “oh so clever” comments – hence the denial and deflection, but he cannot control the ignited fury which ignites in order to seek the necessary fuel.

If you persist with pointing out what he is and there is no fuel provision he will evade you as he goes in search of fuel from someone else and in order to get away from the source of his annoyance.

A Lesser is unlikely to accuse you of being a narcissist because he has no real understanding of what you are referring to. What he will do however is throw back at you the constituent parts which you identify as narcissistic behaviours, at you. This is to defend himself from the criticism attached with this. This is to defend himself because he cannot be accountable for any kind of failure or weakness. This is done as a reaction to try and cause you to react to these allegations so you give fuel. You end up justifying that you are not the narcissist, thus he is (through instinct rather than calculated design) able to halt the wounding attack from you and gain fuel into the bargain as you protect about how you do not love yourself, that you care about him and other people, that you recognise boundaries and so forth.

You will never ever convince a Lesser Narcissist that he is one. He just cannot comprehend it. That is why although his behaviours match those of our kind, he cannot see it. He no insight whatsoever. All you will do is cause him to defend himself, have his fury ignited and ultimately cause him to lash out at you. Do not waste your time trying to convince him. You will not. If you want to wound him, tell him, but then withdraw otherwise you will find yourself on the receiving end of some savage ignited fury.

I Want To Be Adored

adored

 

The only time that I have felt safe when I was young was when I felt powerful. There were two ways that I was able to achieve this. Adoration or fear. By causing someone to adore me, I felt powerful, I felt myself swelling inside, a warmth sweeping across me, a sensation of unlimited potential. I have realised now that this gave me a sense of feeling omnipotent, invulnerable and capable of doing anything. Indeed, the achievements that I accomplished, through academia, sport, hobbies supported this sensation that so long as I felt powerful I could do anything that I wanted but most of all nobody would hurt me. Of the two catalysts for this, people adoring me or people fearing me, it was adoration which arose first. When I am forced to think back to my childhood (since it is not something that I voluntarily do) I remember that those isolated and they were isolated, those isolated moments of adoration shielded me from everything else that went on.

When I was praised, complimented, lauded and applauded I felt this sensation of power surge inside of me and this overcame the wariness and nervousness that otherwise governed my day to day existence. You see, I learned that it was wiser to remain in the shadows. Out of sight meant out of range and therefore the caustic criticisms and cutting chastisement could be avoided, but only for so long. I cannot recall the first time that I felt the power which rose from praise but I do remember on one occasion I had finished first in the class in respect of English. I did not know what my position would be and I passed the sealed envelope to my mother who loomed over me as she always did. I waited for the irritated sigh, the articulation of disappointment or even the stinging slap of annoyance but none of these familiar mechanisms visited me this day.

“Excellent work.”

Had I misheard? No, I had been told that what I had achieved was excellent and I felt the warm surge which I would later come to know as the power. I tried to reach out, emboldened I suppose by this feeling of safety, to hug my mother but she sidestepped my attempt and moved away. For once though I did not feel that crushing sensation whenever she did such a thing to rebuff me, I felt good, I felt safe and it was because she had praised me. It was only much later that I began to understand the connection between being praised and adored made me feel so much better inside. I was always pushed, driven, instructed and commanded to excel and I knew that the achievement of excellence would surely draw more of this delicious praise that I craved so, so much. Little did I realise how elusive this place of safety caused by adoration would prove to be.

The following year, my first at secondary school and I received a mid-year report, around the end of November. With the change of school came the change of practice, for we were allowed to see our list of placings follow the mid-year examinations and besides the placing was the percentage score achieved, the grade and comments thereafter. I recently located all of my reports and sought out the very first one from my secondary school as I needed to check that my memory had not rusted given the passage of time. It had not. There amongst the results was the one for English Language. I was placed first, the percentage achieved was 76%, the grade was B+ and the comments are best described as cautious encouragement. I was first again. Top of the class. I felt the anticipatory surge of the praise that was sure to come once this report was passed to my mother.

Later that day I handed the report to her. My results were very good, I realised that, but it did not matter. I wanted, I needed her to tell me and make me feel good.

“I came top in English again,” I commented drawing attention to one of many highlights. There was no response as my mother took the folded sheet, opened it and examined the paper for evidence to support my assertion. I waited for the praise to come, relishing the warmth that would rise inside of me.

“Edward!” exploded my mother calling my father’s name. My father dutifully entered the living room from the adjoining study.

“Yes dear?” he asked.

“He came top with seventy-six per cent, just seventy-six per cent. That was enough to top the class. Have you placed him in a class of idiots? This is not good enough.”

My father began one of his protestations as he sought to mollify my mother. I do not recall what he said or what she said by way of response as their voices became background noise as I felt the anxiety and fear sweep over me. I was not good enough. I came top just like last time but it was not good enough. I turned and ran upstairs, the shame burning through me. There was no power. I felt unsafe, exposed and vulnerable. On the landing I passed my sister, Rachael, who had no doubt emerged as a consequence of my mother’s screeching and my father’s bumbling replies, ready to try to pacify the eruption as she always sought to do.

“What is it HG?” she asked.

“Nothing,” I snapped at her. I didn’t want her mocking me as well.

“Is it your exam results?” she asked. I nodded.

“Did you come top again?”

I nodded.

“Wow, that’s great, you are so clever HG,” she smiled and hugged me. I did not respond. I felt stiff and awkward but her comment caused the shame to lessen and a slight surge. It was not the same though. I broke away and headed to my room to curl up on my bed and hope that the still lingering shame would leave me alone.

I so desperately wanted that sense of power again and it had been denied to me. I felt useless. I knew however that there was only one thing to do. Work harder. Apply myself. Try harder and then she would give me the praise that I wanted and needed and that was rightfully mine.

I am beginning to understand that the seeds of my need to be adored were sown through instances like this. Adoration created power which created safety. Adoration created power which created the ability to do more, achieve more and gain even further adoration. Hers was always the adoration I wanted the most for with it I felt more powerful but I also found that any form of compliment, praise or adoration achieved a similar outcome. I knew that in order to be the powerful figure I knew that I actually was, all I had to do was ensure that I was adored. Achievement and accomplishment were the routes to gaining this adoration but then I realised that whilst I was successful, it was actually the image of success that mattered. Who were people to know that I didn’t actually hold the school record for swimming 100m when I recounted such an achievement years later? They did not know but the looks of admiration came nevertheless. All I had to do was show that whatever boast I made was vaguely credible. My physique being athletic meant that nearly all sporting achievements could be passed off as my own and I began to supplement those that I had with the bogus ones. The results were just the same if not better. Thus it became easy to tell lies. I did not stop securing achievements, I still had to be the best in my chosen fields, but I began to tell more and more lies to achieve the looks of admiration and adoration. I realised that it served my purposes to acquaint myself with other successful people because firstly, I belonged to such a group and secondly, I could listen to their achievements and then go and use them as my own. I could build up my suit of armour with a combination of my accomplishments and those stolen from those I interacted with. All that mattered was that I gained the praise, I received the admiration and the adoration. This desire infected all of my relationships and as time went on, I wanted and needed this from the man I passed in the street as I walked to the convenience store. I wanted and needed it from colleagues, friends, strangers in particular from those that I coupled with in the form of an intimate relationship. This was what mattered. I had to be adored because once I was I felt powerful, I was the person that I was meant to be. I ruled. I conquered. I felt safe. Nobody could hurt me when I felt this way. This is why I want you to adore me, each and every day, to praise the way I make a cup of tea for you, to compliment the way I dress, to admire the money that I make, to laud how popular I am, to adore the way I lead you by the hand into the bedroom.

She taught me that to survive I had to be praised. If this did not happen I felt weak, crushed and useless and such a sensation would arise from any and all criticisms that I perceived in respect of people’s treatment of me. The fact that praise was not forthcoming meant that this must inherently be a criticism and this wounds me, makes me feel small and pathetic and I am not those things, but you make me feel like that and that is why I lash at you. That is why I blame you because you do make me feel like that when you have it in your gift to adore me and make everything better for me.

Isn’t that what she was meant to do? Make everything better. I need to you to do that now. I want to be adored.