Category Archives: Uncategorized

Found In Translation

 

found-in

The way that our kind speaks is a language all of its own. Narcspeak appears at first to be a normal way of speaking, with the inferences, interpretations and connotations that one would ordinarily expect when hearing phrases such as ‘I love you’ and ‘I am sorry’. You will not grasp that there is a different meaning to much of what we say to you, at least not until it is too late. Once you have mastered Narcspeak however it becomes readily apparent what is actually being conveyed to you. Understand this form of double speak from us is a useful skill to achieve. Not only will it bring clarity to what has been said to you in the past and what was really meant, it will assist in understanding how to deal with the narcissist in your life going forward, if you have occasion to interact with him or her again.

Narcspeak arises because we operate in a different reality to you. We perceive the facts differently and therefore there will be an alternative interpretation attached to what we say. We know the context of what we are saying, so that it apparently fits with the situation and the discussion, but that is purely as a consequence of our ability to mimic and to convey what should be said. We know what we actually mean when we say these things. We mean something else.

This allows us to evade any culpability at a later juncture if you try to tell us that we said something. We may deny that we said it and if we do admit it, our admission is only ever in the context of what we intend it to mean. We use these words and phrases as a cloak to what we are actually saying to you and the sooner you begin to understand what we are really telling you, the sooner you will achieve a clarity of understanding which will remove the fog of confusion and enable you to decide how best to respond.

By way of example here are a number of phrases which you will always hear with our kind and beneath is what is really being said to you.

I don’t think that it suits you

You look absolutely ridiculous

 

I didn’t look at anyone else the whole time I was out.

I kissed several people. I have no idea who they were.

 

You must believe me.

I am telling you a lie.

 

What are you thinking?

I am not going to tell you anything until I have worked you out first so I know what will be the right things to say to you.

 

Don’t you trust me?

I find your insecurities both irritating and wonderful. I am annoyed that you think you can exert control over me. I am pleased that you are anxious and I make you that way.

 

I promise.

I’m just going to tell you what you want to hear.

 

We will always be together.

You belong to me. I will pick you up and put you down as I see fit.

 

I cannot stop thinking about you.

You and her. Oh and her. Her as well.

 

You don’t understand me.

Everything I have told you is a lie so it is little wonder that you do not.

 

I like you.

You do what I want.

 

I need some time to myself.

I am spending the night with your best friend.

 

We are just friends.

We have slept together and we will again.

 

I am so confused.

I want someone else now.

 

 

We have nothing in common.

We never had, I just made it look that way.

 

You will always be special to me, no matter what happens.

Your fuel is well worth coming back for and that is why I have come back.

 

It was nothing serious.

Yes, we had sex.

 

I didn’t do it.

Oh yes I did.

 

I’d like to see you again.

You have more fuel to give me.

 

Let’s stay friends.

I want to establish a reason that seems credible to you for returning and hurting you.

 

I don’t really remember.

I know only too well, not that I am going to admit it to you.

 

 

I am broken.

I know saying this will sound good and I am feeling somewhat desperate at the moment to keep hold of you.

 

She meant nothing to me.

Her fuel meant everything to me. More than what yours means to me.

 

I must have been drunk.

I was drunk. I often am. I know what I did though because I wanted it to happen.

 

I am just speaking my mind.

You had better fucking listen to me.

 

I am not starting an argument here.

It’s fuel time

 

I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better.

I haven’t a clue and I don’t care.

 

I will change.

You are a fool.

 

I want to be a better person.

You are a bigger fool than I first thought.

 

You always make it all about you.

It should be all about me.

 

I’ve no idea who she is.

I have slept with at least a half a dozen times.

 

I don’t recognise that number.

I do. Why is she calling me when I told her not to?

I’m not with anybody.

I am but that is not standing in the way tonight.

 

It is all rather complicated.

It is bullshit.

 

I didn’t mean for that to happen.

Oh yes I did and I will do it again.

 

 

You made me do it.

I am too weak to accept responsibility.

 

You don’t have to if you don’t want to.

Goodbye.

 

I don’t know who I am sometimes.

That sounds deep. She will love that.

 

I love you.

I expect you to do what I want.

I love your fuel.

 

0
Advertisements

That’s Not Important

Our sense of entitlement, lack of consideration and our failure to recognise and respect boundaries means that we are important and you are not. Our need is an emergency. Your needs are secondary. Our requirements are fundamental. Your wants are irrelevant. If we want something it must be done and you must drop everything else, cancel your plans and ensure we are provided for and catered to otherwise all hell breaks loose. Fail to do something we want and when we want (even if we haven’t told you what it is) is regarded by us a criticism and our fury is ignited. We may impose a cold furious silent treatment or lambast you with our heated fury but either way we are important and you are not. We show no appreciation of your situation, no consideration of your position and scant regard for what you might need or have to contend with. It is predictable all about us. Any situation, any time and any moment we will trample all over what you are doing in order to get what we want done. Whatever you may have organised, planned or whatever you are doing is minutiae and utterly inconsequential to the massively important event, occurrence or happening that we have decreed. Expect interruptions, abrasive treatment and a complete lack of manners and consideration. This mind-set that what you are doing is not important appears often and repeated and is symptomatic of so many of our narcissistic traits. Here are twenty instances you may recognise where what you are doing is not important right now.

  1. Talking over you.
  2. Changing channel on the television when you are clearly watching something.
  3. Switching off music that you are listening to.
  4. Playing music loudly when you are relaxing.
  5. Thrusting a newspaper under your nose when you are reading a book and saying “look at this”
  6. Talking to you when you are on the telephone.
  7. Calling you at work and raising a trivial matter and demanding that you do something about it.
  8. Asking you to pass something that is in reach when you are doing some other task.
  9. Saying la la la when you are trying to explain something.
  10. Making you late because we needed you to straighten our tie several times first.
  11. Calling you indoors from an outdoors task just to point out something on the television which is irrelevant.
  12. Calling you and asking where something is when it is easy to find.
  13. Calling you when you are socialising and demanding that you return home to deal with an emergency – such as the blinds are stuck or we have run out of peanut butter
  14. Demanding you prepare our evening meal when you are trying to get ready to go out.
  15. Feigning a greater illness when you are unwell.
  16. Waking you up to tell you something pointless.
  17. Ringing the landline from our mobile (withholding the number) and insisting you answer when you are trying to eat and then hanging up.
  18. Demanding to be picked up or given a lift irrespective of what you might be doing.
  19. Using items you need to complete a task.
  20. Thrusting a tablet under your nose as you are trying to do something and telling you to “watch this” only to see a video of a man falling down some stairs.

It does not matter how trivial, ridiculous or childish the behaviour is as long as it disrupts you and thrusts your attention onto us, even if it is to react in a negative way, we will always behave in such a way.

4+

Something That Rings True

something

 

One of the ways that enables us to succeed with our manipulations is the ability to do or say something that rings true. Take for instance when we commence our seduction and we tell you that we have been in love with you for several years but never felt able to tell you until now. What happens when something like that is said?

  1. You are taken aback that someone tells you this out of the blue;
  2. It feels good however because to be told that someone loves you, appeals to a person’s desire to be loved and especially so with an empathic individual who is a love devotee;
  3. The concept of somebody loving you silently and from afar also accords with an idea of romance;
  4. It is a surprise, but a pleasant one, an exciting one which has grabbed your interest.

Some people may be bowled over already because of these things. Their desire to be loved and probably their need to be loved arising out of the damage they have suffered at some point, causes them to embrace this announcement of love with enthusiasm and more to the point, to soon fall in love with the person who has made the announcement.

Some people may be delighted by this sudden declaration, but they query how this might be so. They do not ask the person, they do not wish to be impolite or they do not wish to run the risk of losing this new love, how this has come about. No, instead they consider how this might come to be the case.

“Well, we have known each other since we were at school.”

“Her parents and my parents have always been good friends and kept in touch.”

“We work in the same office. Okay, we do not speak often, but he is still able to see me across the floor every day.”

“We have been members of the same club for years, so it kind of makes sense.”

The victim convinces him or herself because there is something that rings true. If you and the narcissist have known one another for a long time, have mutual connections, frequent the same places, it is entirely conceivable isn’t it, that this person could well have loved you from afar for years? The belief in love, the pleasure gained from being told this, the romantic connotation which arises from this circumstances and then the fact that there is something that rings true, all combines in the mind of the victim and they fall for the declaration.

Even in the rare instance that the victim might just question the bona fides of this declaration of love, we are able to deal with it. How? By again deploying the use of something that rings true.

Take for instance: –

“But we have barely spoken to one another all the time, how can you love me when that is the case?”

“I don’t need to speak to you to know what I feel for you. I have seen the way you are with people, kind, considerate, the way you make people feel at ease, the way you make people laugh, how good you are at your job. Those are all the qualities that made me fall in love with you and more besides.”

More compliments appeal to the listener. It is also likely that the narcissist will have observed his or her victim, spoken to the victim’s friends or colleagues and trawled their social media profile to select additional information which when combined adds to the veracity of the likelihood of someone being in love with the victim.

“But I hardly know you, we just share the same apartment building.”

“Maybe but I see you go past every day and you may not have noticed me, but I have noticed you.”

Again, that is entirely conceivable.

“Years you say, why did you not say anything sooner?”

“Because I wanted to be sure of what I felt. I didn’t want to rush it and I always believe that if something is right, it will come to happen.”

Again, there is a plausibility to what is being said.

We rely on the suggestion that something is true, the fact that it is plausible, the desire of the victim to believe in love, to want romance, to have something wonderful which alleviates the pain of past miseries and combined together makes the magical become not just possible but probable. If you have someone paying attention to you, someone who professes to love you then most empathic individuals want to believe in that and will not want to run the risk of it being de-railed by interrogating the person as to what they really mean. The victim either convinces him or herself that what has been said is genuine, because it has something of the truth about it or if they do ask questions this just provides us with a further opportunity to add further words that have something of the truth about them.

Once you realise that this is a manipulation that our kind deploy, you will spot it happening with alarming frequency or you will look back and realise just how often it was used to con and dupe you, to cause you to think that what we said and did was genuine. All through the suggestion that something has the ring of truth about it.

“I am sorry I said what I did, I have been under a lot of pressure.”

(He has been working hard as of late. He has told me and so have his colleagues)

“I don’t want to make any mistakes this time, please give me a chance to make you happy.”

(She did say she messed up her previous relationships. I guess she has learned from that.)

“I have finally worked out what I need and what I have to give. It has taken me some time, but finally with you, I know it will be right.”

(He has told me about the other relationships he has had which didn’t work.)

“I will repay you when I receive my bonus.”

(He showed me his contract confirming that he was due a bonus a few weeks ago.)

“I won’t hurt you, I have been hurt and I could not do that to anybody else.”

(His family told me has been hurt before.)

“It is a last minute business trip, these things happen. It is only a few days. I will be back before you know it.”

(She has mentioned business trips in the past and it is a demanding place where she works.)

“I am sorry you couldn’t reach me, sometimes I just need some space to work things out, you know how I can go inside myself at times.”

(Yes, he is sometimes quiet.)

“No she is just a friend, you’ve nothing to worry about.”

(He has mentioned her as a friend from school previously.)

Whether it is seducing you, making you do something for us, explaining away your concerns, deflecting blame, refusing to do something or a hundred other manipulations, we have an instinctive ability to cause you to accept what we say and do, believe us or no longer doubt us because of this capacity to add something that rings true. It is only after the event that you come to understand and realise that there was never any truth. The inference, insinuation or hint was predicated on lies.

How is it then that what are lies are somehow given that ring of truth?

The answer to that question is that there is also one other essential ingredient which enables us to deploy this manipulation. What we say, no matter how plausible, how convincing, how persuasive, how truthful it may sound, needs one other thing to make it work. Needs something else in the equation to turn the lie into an apparent and sustainable truth.

Something which is especially receptive to this tactic. Something that is open to its application. Something that allows it to be so effective.

You.

3+

The Ten Obligations of the Empath

THE 10 OBLIGATIONS OF THE EMPATH

 

In order to manipulate you and control you, we rely on certain behaviours which cause you to act out of fear. Fear of injury, isolation, financial ruin, loss of your home or loss of your children. We also rely on your deeply embedded sense of obligation. Owing to your honesty and decency, you feel need to do certain things. Your sense of obligation is greater than normal and we exploit this in the following ways:

  1. You feel responsible for us

So much of what we do is of our own doing. In fact, next to nothing is caused by you when looked at through your worldview. From our perspective you are responsible for everything. It is always your fault and we repeatedly project and blame-shift in order to condition you to feel responsible for us. You already have a sense of responsibility towards us. You feel a sense of responsibly to nearly everybody because of the fact you are caring and compassionate. This increases when it comes to us because we are your intimate partner and you believe that it is the intimate partner who ranks amongst the highest who deserve such responsibility. This increases again when you realise that we have certain flaws and you feel a need to take on responsibility for them. Indeed, combine this natural state with the conditioning that we cause and you become someone who is over-responsible for us.

  1. You feel that you owe us

Once again this is a combination of the natural and the condition. You have been given such a wonderful time during the seduction period, given so much both material and emotional that you feel you do owe us. You are also a person who is polite and well-mannered and you feel a natural desire to return favours, thank people for what they do for you and a sense of paying the debt that has arisen. We also believe you owe us for everything we gave you during the seduction and accordingly you are obliged to repay us for the rest of the relationship and beyond. Combine these two elements and a powerful obligation of owing us is created which we are then able to exploit to our advantage.

  1. You feel sorry for us

That natural sympathy people possess is available in spades with someone as empathic as you. You never regard someone as weak or pathetic but rather feel sorry for them. You would not regard a homeless person as a stain on society but rather feel sorry that they find themselves in such a situation and you consider how they ended up where they are what might be done about it. You realise our behaviours are abhorrent but rather than always feel angry about it, you feel sorry for us that we behave this way. You feel sorry that we cannot explain ourselves, that we lash out and behave in such a destructive fashion. Your exuding sympathy not only fuels us but it creates an obligation on your part towards us.

  1. You feel guilty

Even if you know that a certain course of action is for the best, you are assailed by the guilt that you might be hurting someone, stopping them what they want to do or upsetting them in some way. Tough love is not a concept you want to embrace as the guilt at seeing someone else hurting, as a consequence of something that you have done, is too great. This sense of guilt forces you down different routes, often doing things which are not the best for you but nevertheless you feel obligated to do out of this considerable sense of guilt which looms large which someone empathic like you.

  1. You feel a need to fix us

You are a problem solver. You enjoyed the Sound of Music when you were younger and you always felt that if you had been given the chance you would have solved a problem like Maria. You regard it as your role to heal and to fix. You are of the unshakeable mind-set that everybody can be fixed. Everyone can be made better and when you experience the broken elements of our machinations and manipulations you do not shirk from them. Instead, you remain in situ and work out how you can resolve them. This obligation to make things better and to heal is a central part of who you are and is readily exploited by us since we know you are unlikely to go anywhere despite how bad things are.

  1. You feel it is your duty

You have a strong sense of duty. Duty to be an excellent parent, supportive friend, caring son or daughter, hard-working colleague and all round decent human being. Most of all you regard your duty to your intimate partner as one where no matter how difficult things might be you are not going to walk away. This duty is often compelled from the vows that you have taken and a strong religious undertone to your personality.

Duty is paramount and from that rises the obligation.

  1. You feel a need to abide by your standards

So often the world appears to have lost its moral compass and therefore it falls to a diminishing group of people to right the wrongs, stand up for the vulnerable and defend the weak. You often see that people are ruled by those twin gods of sex and money and this causes people to forget who they are and the standards they once adhered to. This is not for you. You do not do this to be lauded by others but do so because you cannot lie straight in your bed at night if you do not uphold these standards for yourself and in your daily dealings. This translates into treating people with patience, understanding, compassion and empathy, no matter how difficult it becomes. Some might suggest that you are making a rod for your own back.

  1. You feel a need to maintain appearances

This is not done for your own benefit. You are not like us creating an image to show the world. No, you do this to maintain appearances for the sake of others. It is keeping the family together for the sake of your children so they are not upset. It is appearing to get along with your difficult brother for the sake of your fragile elderly parents. It is taking one for the team in order to maintain an appearance so that you deal with the pain and aggravation so others do not. This need creates an obligation in you which we are content to exploit as we know it will keep you around and stop you from speaking out about what we do.

  1. You feel a need to never give up.

You are not a quitter. You do not give up at the first bump in the road or black cloud. You keep going, you are tenacious. You are indefatigable and you persevere. You plough forwards and feel that it is only right to do this because you know that the just reward will come at the end of it. Anything worth doing is worth doing properly. Anything worth having takes effort. We applaud this desire to stick at things.

  1. You feel a need to have done your best

When everything is added up and evaluated, at the end of the day, you want that satisfaction, just for yourself, to know that you did your best and you could have done no more. You always consider whether you could have done something a different way and more effectively. You are self-critical and behave like this in order to fulfil your chosen role as a good person. This obliges you to try and try again.

These empathic obligations result in your remaining with us longer, enduring more of our abusive behaviours and forgiving more of what we do than an ordinary person. We know these obligations exist and we exploit them.

1+