I will never love anyone as hard and as intense as I loved you. I had to drink NyQuil to fall asleep some nights because the pain was so excruciating. The highs were so high. But the lows were unbearable. It has been so many years but it’s still so painful to visit those places again. I let you take me over time after time. I hade no barriers or boundaries in place with you. Because I thought that was what love was. You taught me what love was. But you were completely wrong. I still have so many scars from you. You were young.. we were both young… but even so, you knew what you were doing. And you still do.
I wish I hated you. I wish I could hate you.
I was your target. One of many I’m sure. You told me you loved me. I lost my virginity to you. And then you set me on the shelf and pulled me out when you needed love. Because you knew how much I adored you. You told me you loved the person I saw when I looked at you. You told me I was the sweetest person you knew. You tore down my self esteem. Although I was too young and innocent to realize what you were doing. You orchestrated and schemed. While I floated along in your chaotic storm. Not realizing just how dangerous you were. Not realizing until much later how grateful I am that you did not choose me.
You kissed my best friend when we were dating in high school. Now I realize it’s because you wanted her out of the picture. She was the only person besides you that I had. Growing up you were the only constant in my life. Now that I know what you are about, how fucking sad is that. You were the only constant person I had in my life growing up. And you played on that. And preyed on that.
You used to tell me that you loved how shy I was. You told me how popular and rich you were. And you made me feel like you felt sorry for how poor I was growing up. You enjoyed making me blush by embarrassing me in any way possible.
I will never forget the time.. when I was about 18 or 19… and you were trying to get me to acknowledge or feel bad for you about something… and you sat me down and I will never forget.. you explaining to me in detail what empathy was. Funny… I didn’t know at the time that yours was all fake. You were trying to tell me that I needed to have more for you.
You took me out to play… then put me back. One time when you came for me, I was out with someone else, you flipped out on my coworkers telling them they were lying and you thought I was hiding. When I went back to work at the restaurant the next day, I didn’t think it was you they were talking about. Because I hadn’t seen you in months… why would you care that much to make a scene when I hardly ever saw you? Now I know why. They warned me to stay clear of you. They saw a side of you that I didn’t see. Most people did… how was it so clear to them and not to me?
One time after a night out with my friends, again, it had been forever since I had seen you, I came home to tire marks in my yard. Someone had drove and made tire marks all in my yard. You must have been mad that I wasn’t available for you. Now I know why.
Remember when you told me I deserved more from you? You showed me all the love you could give. Yet hadn’t been.
I met you when I was 14.
When I was 19 you decided that we should be together officially. You got me to fall so hard for you. You had me in the palm of your hand. I would have done anything for you at that time.
You drove me in my car to my college class. I bought you a cell phone in my name. And when I waited and waited for you to pick me up in my car, I got a call from your ex saying that you guys had gotten back together. She called me on the phone I bought for you. Then on the way back to your apartment, you cried! You cried about her finding out about me! You cried to me! How lovely that ride was.
I thought we were finished. But you weren’t finished. You came back to my work when I was closing up. Luckily my friend told you to leave. Because I was too weak. I was so upset with her at the time. I loved you so much. And you were not worth it. And I would have seen that if you hadn’t worked on destroying my self worth since I was 14. Maybe I would have realized that I actually did deserve better. But I thought you were better than me.
Then I took a 2 month hiatus. I moved to a different state to get away from the memories of you. And when I returned, our mutual friends must have told you I met someone new. You called up to the restaraunt that I worked at. You begged me to come talk to you. I was still so weak. I met with you and you claimed you were finished with her. You weren’t, but I believed you. You knew I had someone new. You didn’t want me. But you weren’t finished playing with me. You couldn’t share. You tried to ruin my someone new. I hadn’t been serious with anyone ever up until then. Now I know why…
you came to my apartment while we slept and threw your keys at my window. I had to explain to my someone new about who you were. You claimed you were trying to surprise me. I didn’t let you in because I was afraid of what you might do.
You called me and backed me into a corner. Asking me to bring you something you left at my house. I was going to drop it off at a mutual friends house. And you were there. I had him with me. You had a crazy look in your eyes. And tried to get us to stay and drink with you. But I was so scared of you. And I was scared you would hurt him. So I quickly escorted him out of there.
He might be a lot like you. Only he hides it better. I didn’t know until much later. Compared to you, I thought he was my knight.
You called and left voicemail after voicemail serenading me. You were frantic. I had never seen you act in such a manner. In all the years I had known you. You must have known that this one might take me away from you. When I didn’t even know I was yours to take. Now it all makes sense. Now I know why.
Then you tried to triangulate me and her. You were mad that I wouldn’t leave him. So you called me with her in the back round. I was so confused. But now I know why…
Then I found out you got her pregnant… now I know why. You don’t see them anymore… now I know why… you moved to state after state making a new name for yourself… now I know why… I hate that I feel sorry for you. Though I would never tell you that. I hate that I care about you. The more I know why… the harder it is to hate you. And I hate that.
I missed the red flags with him. He came to my work bringing me home cooked healthy meals and encouraged me to lose weight. I thought it meant he cared. only a month after dating, he was buying me new clothes that he wanted to see me wear. I thought it meant he cared. He controlled everything and I gladly obliged. I thought it meant he cared. He taught me how to cook. He taught me the right way to do things. Apparently I had been doing them all wrong. I thought because he cared… but now I know why…