A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 3



I forgive you.

As one should not blame the blind for failing to see, or the deaf for not hearing the melodies we sing to you, I cannot blame you for what you are.

I understand it comes from a place of shame, of pain, and from a childhood deprived of love.

As the grain of sand lacerates the delicate insides of an oyster, the wounded creature covers it with beauty to make a pearl; likewise, you created your image, your glowing, lavish illusion to the world…But inside there is still that grain of sand scratching at your core. That is what I remember when you lie so blatantly: it’s just more coating for your pearl.

Those who I would blame are gone, and my life is too precious and short to waste time hating them, or you. Though you might be a willing – if not eager- tutor, I have no desire, no inclination to learn how to hate. I was ever the rebellious pupil.

I love you.

My heart is vast, with room to spare; my love costs nothing and I give it freely.

Now I understand how badly you need love, I offer it willingly to fill your void as best I can…But it is only love that I will feed you.

If you demand anger, frustration, sorrow, you will not be sated by me. All I could offer then is my pity, but I mask it well, for I do not wish to wound you. I see the grain of sand, I know your modus operandi, but I do not wish to crack your pearl, it gives me no joy to do so.

My heart is strong.

It is more resilient than you can imagine, and each new onslaught, each storm you might try rage against me rushes past like a breeze and leaves me intact and whole, confusing and confounding you, for my heart is not made with walls and foundations: it is a vast, wide ocean, its waves breaking, ebbing and flowing, but always full and deep, timeless and unstoppable.  You cannot control me any more than an oyster controls the tide, but I let you believe you are master of the waves, for it gives you some peace and causes me no harm.

You do not understand, pearl in my depths, but I do.


My heart is strong, I love you and I forgive you.


19 thoughts on “A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 3”

  1. Beautiful letter Skerin. Pay no attention to the nay-sayers. Forgiveness is for ourselves, not the narc.

  2. Beautiful letter. This one’s about where I’m at in my heart some days. And more like the tone of letter I may send. My version wouldn’t be quite as dramatic/poetic and won’t discuss my heart or how vast my heart is- i think the narc has no idea what that means and don’t think those types of concepts and feelings mean anything to the narcissist .
    I wouldn’t want to come across as lovestruck and wistful. Because I’m not anymore. But I have felt sorrow for her and her “condition “ and can feel forgiveness. But it’s tough to relay pity to someone without ? hurting your case of loving them? That’s where I get confused.

    As above – I’m very curious what HG’s thoughts are on this.

  3. Oh dear, I think I am in the wrong place. This letter of love reminds me of sadomasochistic literature. I’m wondering if I am too bitter!

    1. Isto, you bitter, me jaded. Same difference.
      This letter, as candidly heartfelt as it is, is one that the victim writes, then tucks away in her journal, to only be read again in 5 years, in order to marvel why she once wasted valuable emotion on a dirtbag. But whatever she does, she should not bother sending it to the Narc in question. He will read the first line, laugh, rip it into, and toss it into the nearest trashcan.

      1. Pheeeew…. Sara Jessica, I feel the same as you. Even today, so many years on, my son’s father (who is the narc) still manages to upset me with the way he treats my lovely son, who by the way, has a disability. He is such a brittle, manipulative and narc character that my son no longer wants to see him so often.. which is fine with me. I really see no good in this man. Obviously, he is intelligent and charming to all those around him and he also is insecure and howling from pain and shame inside, but that does not endear me to him at all. At all. It wasn’t what I wanted in the first place!!!!! i wanted the illusion, no more. It was just a big mistake on my part.
        As regards the letter, I agree with you, in a few years time she will feel so strange at having even thought like that!

  4. Thank you, Master in Word Command for summing up 3 months of my emotional deluge into well rounded 416 words/ 408 actual signifiés. I’ll need for my own words to form to express the depth of my gratefulness!

  5. Oh Skerin What a wonderful letter just so beautiful. I have been to bad in the past as a torn up victim lashing out and calling him out on his condition, he is gone now he discarded me for doing so but knowing the condition from so much research I should have used the knowledge wisely and delicately, be what they cannot be.
    Maybe if the desire to call them out was done gently with how you would then so like to try to counteract their fears and insecurities and be there for them it may have a place but I guess their fears cut too deep to ever trust anyone enough to be steadfast enough to stay the course.
    I wish I had done it better but at the time I was broken by him, but i never meant to hurt just to try and make him understand himself. I never walked away from him he discarded me so if it seems if you need to make that person go it has appeared to me that’s the way.
    I never wanted him to go though I just wanted him to learn his condition and let me help him.
    I know in my case I would have. If he would just have stayed faithful and promised never to discard me or walk away from me
    (as my abandonment fears are just as strong but I have to carry mine in my acting self on a daily basis so manage mine and his together, a tough gig)
    If he could just promise those things I would put up with all his bad behaviours and rages if the love and trust would once again show in this face again afterwards and he could tell me he loved me and say sorry, I could then weather every dark cruel storm holding his heart and soul in mine and kissing away his terrors.
    I loved my wounded man too as a wounded women who understands as my childhood issues took me down the other branch of the fork to fight through the wounds of childhood every day, but I am so mentally equipped to forgive and want to save but the frustration is we can’t, we give our souls completely trying but nothing can stop their patterns of abuse.
    For me I can take all abuse as long as its not infidelity I need to know I am that only special one and only then can i take all his burdens.
    Your wonderful letter though is I guess true that you have have accepted in your love for him that you cannot help and so to show your love is to stay silently and gracefully peaceful and strong and in that silent calmness that is telling them more profoundly than words ever can that you know them understand them and are there for them even though they wont let you help them to change.
    Ironically your gentle serenity and loving gaze shunned to allow its medicinal healing qualities is the strongest vessel to peirce the shell, quietly reflecting through reactionless poise the poisoned laser beam from their cruelly contaminated souls reflects ricochets back to them from your tranquil presence with no fuel to light, for they think it is fuel they steal but what they need is the energy from your burning fuel, burning from love and then anger.
    Sadly they don’t want the energy that vapours from love for long even though that’s the vapour to save them, but they crave the energy of your fuel that vapours as sadness and pain. keeping the vapour love the poisoned laser from their soul reflects back and churning inside them and not to released onto you so their eyes can devour the representation of the monster that lurks within them.
    So serenity doesn’t help them it destroys them unless they want to try and break the curse. If they cannot and will not change and you want make them happy you must let them see the destruction they cause to you.
    But we have to protect ourselves so we see so sadly we cannot help and cannot keep them if we wish to be true to our own souls. So we sadly need to keep our fuelled energy that of love and hope that one day they will let us heal them with love.
    All these words I use you encapsulate in your short letter of few words that say everything, it is truely genius and wonderful and I salute and commend you on your heartfelt words, thank you for sharing.
    I hope one day I can practice what I preach just like you.
    Acceptance is the word and i’m trying.
    Thank you for sharing it has helped me so much.
    All my Love xx

  6. This is a really beautiful letter. It is both visually and emotionally poetic. The analogy of a pearl is almost perfect.

    I say almost perfect, because a pearl is actually a real thing of beauty. A long-lasting jewel that is adored and admired and looks just as beautiful after many years of existence and wear.

    The pearl here is the empath, not the narcissist. The narcissist is forever the grain of sand – scratchy and small. The empath is the real jewel, whose beauty is genuine, long-lasting and admirable.

    1. I like your comment WiseNow, but I disagree on the pearl role-play. Or to put it in other words, from what I learned here – telling a narcissist they are bad makes them behave even more badly.

      Shame I didn’t get to that part of information before calling the one in my life out. And I think they are still a pearl, just not one I want near me any more. Not worth it.

      So I hope HG doesn’t come down hard on you for this!

      1. Hi SN,

        Thank you for your comment. I understand what you’re saying about being careful not to criticise a narcissist. When I wrote my reply to Skerin’s letter though, I wasn’t focused on directing my comment to the narcissist. Instead, I was focused on saying it to Skerin.

        From a time last year when HG first posted Skerin’s letter on his blog, I remember that this letter was addressed to Skerin’s mother. With that thought in mind, I think the letter is even more poignant and moving. To be a child of a narcissist and to write this letter of forgiveness and love shows that Skerin has gone through a lot and come out the other side rising above the confusion, fear and small-mindedness.

        I wanted to tell Skerin that she is like a pearl. She has covered the pain that was her grain of sand with something beautiful. She has taken the difficult experience of having a narcissistic parent and has learned how to be a peaceful and grounded person regardless. I think that deserves some recognition.

        As for HG, I don’t think he’ll come down hard on me. He is like a black pearl. They are rare and precious. But he knows that already 😉

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