The custody battle where the other parent is a narcissist is invariably one of the more difficult situations an individual will come across. It is also one which is especially emotionally charged and the application of total no contact is not something that can immediately be applied. I have advised many people about dealing with potential custody fights with a narcissist and the matters to take intro consideration before making certain decisions. I have also advised many people dealing with ongoing custody disputes and with repeatedly successful outcomes. Knowing the narcissist provides you with all manner of advantages.
People often ask me why they should rely on or use my material. I explain that rather than me provide them with a list of reasons (of which there are many), I recommend they start by reading my material, watching my videos and considering the testimonials provided by those who have accessed my work. This will then enable them to make up their own minds without the necessity of influence or persuasion from me. Taking such a step causes them to release the efficacy and effectiveness of my work. With that approach in mind, in assisting you with regard to the custody battle with the narcissist, I have utilised a post by one of my readers and clients who posts by the name of Who Cares. I have advised Who Cares on repeated occasions and she has been a longstanding user and supporter of my work. I invited her, as someone who has been embroiled in a custody battle with a narcissist to detail what she found, from my materials, the most helpful. She did so providing a comprehensive answer to a blog post, by way of a comment. It occurred to me that this would benefit the readership more widely as a touchstone for excellent and constructive advice, based on a user´s real experience and therefore I have detailed her reply below so more people can access it. A toolkit for handling the narcissist in a custody dispute if you will.
This is what Who Cares recommends, based on experience. She has linked relevant videos and the Assistance Packages and Logic Bulletins can be located here in the The Knowledge Vault
1. Narc Detector Consultation – because without knowing the school and cadre of narcissist you are dealing with, you cannot properly apply the knowledge and advice in the assistance packages and educational articles that follow.
2. How to handle the Narcissist in Court (logic bulletin) –
https://youtu.be/GeS2eTQXaww?feature=shared
The basics of dealing with a narcissist in a legal matter and solid, practical advice when actually having to attend court with a narcissist. I would often refer back to this simply to steady my mind over upcoming court dates.
3. How to Co-parent with a Narcissist (assistance package) – the best advice on this subject available; it provides insight into what to expect from differing schools of narcissists in this situation and very practical recommendations that you can apply when navigating co-parenting with a narc. I wish I had had access to this earlier in my family court matter.
4.Child Defender (assistance package) – this goes hand-in-hand with the Co-parenting assistance package.
5. Fear and the Empathic Victim (logic bulletin) – this logic bulletin, plus 6 on my list, got me through some very stressful times in my family legal matter. Applying the knowledge that my ex is LMRN – plus, how narcissists use threats (and therefore, your own fear) against you helped me to have patience, hedge my bets, and endure the tension while legal matters played out.
6. The Narcissist and Threats –
https://youtu.be/WT9C7OwbP8w?feature=shared
This is most helpful if you know the school of the narcissist you are dealing with, but is useful in all kinds of scenarios – not just in the legal arena and being on the receiving end of legal threats. This insight gave me an edge, even over my lawyers – because, although one has to be prudent, you can weigh how likely a narcissist is to follow through on a threat with such knowledge (in combination with knowing the type of narcissist you are dealing with.) Note: this can be affected by the particular lawyer who is working for the narcissist and what the lawyer is willing to follow through on.
7. Divorcing the Narcissist (assistance package) –
I did not have to divorce my ex, as we were common-law, but I have this package and have listened to it. Most helpful, in combination with the Co-parenting assistance package, if there are children involved.
8. Give The Narcissist Enough Rope –
https://youtu.be/WxGkpL9wjf4?feature=shared
One of my favourite videos, ever, from HG – I live by the truth in this video.
The reality of this has been born out so many times by my ex narcissist, in his court filings and in his interactions with our son. In court – especially when he was self-representing – he provided so much material that worked against him. For example, he provided a transcript of a conversation between himself and our son that he maintained was evidence of me discussing adult issues/legal matters with our son, but the transcript actually demonstrated that my ex was the one who initiated the conversation. This, in turn with other evidence, allowed my lawyer to reverse visitations to supervised access again (between my ex and our son) plus a summary judgment in our matter that resulted in a final order for full custody to me and supervised access only for my ex.
And then, as of late, our son has made it known that he doesn’t want to see his father after witnessing him be hostile and confrontational towards supervisory staff. (I don’t share about the past with my son and I don’t speak about his father to him – I knew he would see for himself and make up his own mind.)
9. How To Make a Request of a Narcissist – https://youtu.be/ErjBiQB6I5U?feature=shared
I never had to implement this much (because I really haven’t had to a lot of direct co-parenting with my ex) but I kept it in my back pocket, so to speak, if I was going to have direct dealings with my ex and parenting arrangements.
10. The Truth, The Half Truth and Nowhere Near the Truth –
https://youtu.be/oMxKRZ2zmYw?feature=shared
The information contained in is this video was so very helpful to me – it helped me not get caught up in the lengthy, convoluted and emotionally-charged (for me to read) documents that my ex would file. Especially when we were both self-representing, I would dread receiving these but knew that I had to eventually wade through the contents. I would wait until after my son had gone to bed, to open and read legal documents because I knew they would affect my mood for the entire day and my son would inquire why I was irritated or sad. I used the information in the video referenced as a way to categorize the contents in these writings from my ex – otherwise, it became too overwhelming. So, I would say to myself, as I was reading: “That’s the truth…that is a half-truth…and that is sure as hell nowhere near the truth!” One could even go through such a document systematically and, using ‘1’ for Truth, ‘2’ for Half-Truth and ‘3’ Nowhere near the Truth, label each point and this might help dispel the strong emotions in response to a narcissist’s lies, accusations and revisions of history.
11. Why You Cannot Resolve an Argument with a Narcissist -https://youtu.be/mSZ8b1B59f0?feature=shared
This video is an excellent resource to offer third party professionals, even if they don’t truly grasp what a narcissist is, they will have had dealings with difficult individuals that makes this relatable.
*Warning* – you have to be careful about identifying or inferring to some professionals that your ex is a narcissist. It can make you look bad in court proceedings. I have found it is far better to just let the professionals take in the evidence and come to their own conclusions. In the legal arena, the courts don’t want to be told what to think, (I recall HG saying this and it’s so true) and people have become too generous with the label of ‘narcissist’ simply because they find someone’s behaviour unsavoury.
And – of course – my consultations with HG, along the way, have been indispensable for his advice, answers to very specific questions in my case and predictions about what my ex may or may not do. At a time when I was self-representing, I even had HG review some legal documents for me – which proved most helpful.