Hello H.G
Well now how could I exclude one of the two most influential Narcs in my life? Influential for very different reasons of course.
I have reflected on my interaction with you and your work on many an occasion. On the one hand I am aware that you are an insufferable bastard to many in your personal life and have caused much chaos. Dangerous. I never lose sight of that fact, but it does not prevent me from looking to the other hand to celebrate those things about you that deserve to be.
There are others Im sure that would find this letter in accordance with their own confusion about you, and still others that would find it a distasteful display of fawning over you. Matters not to me as these are my thoughts and observations and I make no apologies for them. I wish to appease no one.
You dont get a pass because of your childhood, but I can see how being denied the love and acceptance that you so craved and deserved, saw you searching for a way to stop the cruelty that replaced them. A solution that would not have it become just a lesson in sadism and an act of futility, but one that would result in success and recognition, as why should you be denied that after all that you suffered? You had after all an example of effectiveness right before you in your Mother. If you would become her-you would not suffer you, yes? And a very effective machine you did become indeed. Despite debate about this, I do believe we need people like you in the world. People who would blanche at that might consider the following: (with just the information offered and not altering the scenario).
In a military operation thats success would ensure an end to war, would you:
Strike a school full of children where the coward responsible and his pillars of power are hiding out (and this is your only opportunity), or spare the school at the cost of ongoing conflict, lives of countless soldiers, their children, and innocent civilians?
In a flood: Faced with saving either your brother whom you love and has lived 65 years, or a baby that has its whole life ahead, what would you do?
As a surgeon: taking action that will extend a life but in insufferable pain, or greatly reduce the amount of life but in relative comfort? (assuming they cannot make the decision themselves).
Oh and make these decisions quickly will you-time is of the essence.
Not so black and white now is it? Well……not to US, but there are those who can assess these situations quickly with hard logic-not blinding emotion, and in those cases we may consider who has the perceived disability.
These situations of course result in some benefit to both sides and exclude those that in the perspective of most, you choose to perpetrate for your own needs- but from your perspective, you believe to be necessary to survival. That seems to be the crux of the matter and begs much further investigation and a true willingness for both sides to suspend ego, understand, and accept if there is ever to be change.
It is also not the reason for empaths to do as they do, but we might consider our own egos and the fact that without people like you, how would the empath shine as the beacon of light we believe ourselves to be? Who would they fix and heal? Pour their life into to feel satisfied, whole, and complete in gaining (or going without in some cases) reciprocity? Candles are less celebrated in full sunshine.
I do not believe all of your kind deserve to bask in our light, but because of your intelligence and effectiveness, you have found a way (while not your goal) that benefits others while you achieve your own aims. I will say I find that approach to be genius as I have not seen this kind of success elsewhere that looks to be a possible catalyst to change in this behavioural dynamic of empaths and narcissists. Your approach and work in your articles, books, interviews, and the blog community have definitely affected me and changed me in some ways. They have given me answers and some peace where I had restlessness. I feel I have grown in the unlikeliest of gardens. I still dont know love, but when I make a choice intellectually and not instinctively not to harm someone, perhaps that is a kind of love in its own way?
My feeling is that rather than demand that you change and bend to our will (which seems acceptable by some collective and pre-determined notion that is still unclear to me), I choose to take the action that is available to me and that ensures success for ME.
To limit my interaction with your kind where possible (unavoidable in such situations as work and family) and to those that result in mutual benefit (this would appear to exclude intimate relationships due to the “mutual” component).
To hold to a core principal that my boundaries are respected, and when they are not-to understand that changing them to accommodate your lack of them is not an act of love, but of emotional self-flagellation, and that if I do allow them to be breached that I should look inward for answers-not excuses or blame.
So HG………witty, intelligent, malevolent, humorous, thought provoking, manipulating, charming, articulate, scheming, talented, effective, larger than life, dominating, Author, brother, controller, educator, alleged sexual benefactor, Titan, son, ground breaker, …and well this space isnt large enough to list them all………hats off.
To my mind, little HG has managed to mine much gold from the barren mine that was his childhood to find a way that works for him, and while that may not sit well with others and they beg for your further introspection and improvement, I say we have not walked in your shoes and that we are not always entirely successful in walking in ours. It seems from both perspectives we need elements of each other but feel they should be offered and not have to be taken by force.
I will continue to avail myself of all that you and your kind have to offer that benefits me, and I offer of myself positivity, traits, and strength that I have in abundance and am more than willing to share, but only to the point that they do not diminish me or those I care about in any way. Anything else you require to feel complete is for you to resolve and not my concern.
Little HG shines in you to my kind brighter than my red cloak to yours and of course therin lies the problem. Despite that-it is a light that you cannot extinguish any more than I can mine. It shines brighter than, and drives any success you have enjoyed to date. He is stronger than you recognize. Stronger than your mother ever was. Strong in spite of her, and guides you and others despite your lack of consent or belief that adult HG runs the show. Its possible we’re more alike than we think, in that we’re not the only ones who dont see things as they really are. Possible.
With respect
NA