A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 62



Hello H.G
Well now how could I exclude one of the two most influential Narcs in my life? Influential for very different reasons of course.
I have reflected on my interaction with you and your work on many an occasion. On the one hand I am aware that you are an insufferable bastard to many in your personal life and have caused much chaos. Dangerous. I never lose sight of that fact, but it does not prevent me from looking to the other hand to celebrate those things about you that deserve to be.
There are others Im sure that would find this letter in accordance with their own confusion about you, and still others that would find it a distasteful display of fawning over you. Matters not to me as these are my thoughts and observations and I make no apologies for them. I wish to appease no one.
You dont get a pass because of your childhood, but I can see how being denied the love and acceptance that you so craved and deserved, saw you searching for a way to stop the cruelty that replaced them. A solution that would not have it become just a lesson in sadism and an act of futility, but one that would result in success and recognition, as why should you be denied that after all that you suffered? You had after all an example of effectiveness right before you in your Mother. If you would become her-you would not suffer you, yes? And a very effective machine you did become indeed. Despite debate about this, I do believe we need people like you in the world. People who would blanche at that might consider the following: (with just the information offered and not altering the scenario).
In a military operation thats success would ensure an end to war, would you:
Strike a school full of children where the coward responsible and his pillars of power are hiding out (and this is your only opportunity), or spare the school at the cost of ongoing conflict, lives of countless soldiers, their children, and innocent civilians?
In a flood: Faced with saving either your brother whom you love and has lived 65 years, or a baby that has its whole life ahead, what would you do?
As a surgeon: taking action that will extend a life but in insufferable pain, or greatly reduce the amount of life but in relative comfort? (assuming they cannot make the decision themselves).
Oh and make these decisions quickly will you-time is of the essence.
Not so black and white now is it? Well……not to US, but there are those who can assess these situations quickly with hard logic-not blinding emotion, and in those cases we may consider who has the perceived disability.
These situations of course result in some benefit to both sides and exclude those that in   the perspective of most, you choose to perpetrate for your own needs- but from your perspective, you believe to be necessary to survival. That seems to be the crux of the matter and begs much further investigation and a true willingness for both sides to suspend ego, understand, and accept if there is ever to be change.
It is also not the reason for empaths to do as they do, but we might consider our own egos and the fact that without people like you, how would the empath shine as the beacon of light we believe ourselves to be? Who would they fix and heal? Pour their life into to feel satisfied, whole, and complete in gaining (or going without in some cases) reciprocity? Candles are less celebrated in full sunshine.
I do not believe all of your kind deserve to bask in our light, but because of your intelligence and effectiveness, you have found a way (while not your goal) that benefits others while you achieve your own aims. I will say I find that approach to be genius as I have not seen this kind of success elsewhere that looks to be a possible catalyst to change in this behavioural dynamic of empaths and narcissists. Your approach and work in your articles, books, interviews, and the blog community have definitely affected me and changed me in some ways. They have given me answers and some peace where I had restlessness. I feel I have grown in the unlikeliest of gardens. I still dont know love, but when I make a choice intellectually and not instinctively not to harm someone, perhaps that is a kind of love in its own way?
My feeling is that rather than demand that you change and bend to our will (which seems acceptable by some collective and pre-determined notion that is still unclear to me), I choose to take the action that is available to me and that ensures success for ME.
To limit my interaction with your kind where possible (unavoidable in such situations as work and family) and to those that result in mutual benefit (this would appear to exclude intimate relationships due to the “mutual” component).
To hold to a core principal that my boundaries are respected, and when they are not-to understand that changing them to accommodate your lack of them is not an act of love, but of emotional self-flagellation, and that if I do allow them to be breached that I should look inward for answers-not excuses or blame.
So HG………witty, intelligent, malevolent, humorous, thought provoking, manipulating, charming, articulate, scheming, talented, effective, larger than life, dominating, Author, brother, controller, educator, alleged sexual benefactor, Titan, son, ground breaker, …and well this space isnt large enough to list them all………hats off.
To my mind, little HG has managed to mine much gold from the barren mine that was his childhood to find a way that works for him, and while that may not sit well with others and they beg for your further introspection and improvement, I say we have not walked in your shoes and that we are not always entirely successful in walking in ours. It seems from both perspectives we need elements of each other but feel they should be offered and not have to be taken by force.
I will continue to avail myself of all that you and your kind have to offer that benefits me, and I offer of myself positivity, traits, and strength that I have in abundance and am more than willing to share, but only to the point that they do not diminish me or those I care about in any way. Anything else you require to feel complete is for you to resolve and not my concern.
Little HG shines in you to my kind brighter than my red cloak to yours and of course therin lies the problem. Despite that-it is a light that you cannot extinguish any more than I can mine. It shines brighter than, and drives any success you have enjoyed to date. He is stronger than you recognize. Stronger than your mother ever was. Strong in spite of her, and guides you and others despite your lack of consent or belief that adult HG runs the show. Its possible we’re more alike than we think, in that we’re not the only ones who dont see things as they really are. Possible.
With respect

37 thoughts on “A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 62

  1. Die Proven says:

    This letter is most certainly a ‘display of fawning’, though not necessarily distasteful.

    I disagree with the statement ‘I do believe we need people like you in the world’. Narcissists are not natural to the ecosystem, they are unnatural formations created by the dysfunction of others.

    In the scenarios you posed the necessary traits to make those decisions would be a healthy combination of strength, wisdom, and empathy. Otherwise, the decisions would be made in the best interests of the decision maker; as is the case with the English psychopath; which he readily admits to.

    These are just opinions which I formed immediately upon reading this letter. However, I am always open to other opinions, debate, and changing my mind.

    Now I am going to celebrate my July 4th weekend. Perhaps the English psychopath finds this irritating as it reminds him of defeat.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No, it is fuel so it is all good. Plus it reminds the world of how a small island in north-western Europe had a global empire and has shaped the world in so many ways. Enjoy your celebrations.

  2. cb says:

    “I say we have not walked in your shoes and that we are not always entirely successful in walking in ours. ”

    So true it hurts, NA.

  3. Desirée says:

    Well written NA! You’ve touched on all the points I’ve thought about myself before, however, there’s one passage I don’t quite understand:

    “I still dont know love, but when I make a choice intellectually and not instinctively not to harm someone, perhaps that is a kind of love in its own way?”

    Does that mean you have never been loved before, or you do not love other people, or both?
    I appologise if this is too personal to ask, especially given that I’ve only been on this blog for a few weeks now.
    It just seemed odd to me because I’ve always felt that the abuse I’ve endured only made me love other people more deeply (not the abusers, of course) when it should have made me pull some walls up. While I can be incredibly cold, prideful and vindictive, I don’t think I ever experienced what you’ve described there.
    Maybe I’m misunderstanding and if this is the case, I apologise. You seem like an incredible person and I certainly wish you all the love in the world!

    1. NarcAngel says:

      Hi Desiree

      No. I do not feel love in the way that others do, or feel I am able to give it in the way that others need. I am not a love devotee and I do not bond with people like others do. I can do protection, concern, affection…but I have never experienced this overwhelming or all encompassing feeling others speak of and cannot give it. It is the reason I don’t have children. The most feeling that I have is for animals not humans. I am very narcissistic but I do not intentionally hurt people. I trust no one and this keeps my walls high.

      1. foolme1time says:

        I wouldn’t want you to be any other way, then the way you are.
        Love you NA!!! 😘🙃

  4. Mary says:

    “I feel I have grown in the unlikeliest of gardens.”
    So beautifully said, NA.

  5. Tamara says:

    I just read this, NA, and it was written from a profound mind. I cannot say too much without showing off my ineptness next to your intellect, but I want to say a few things, at the risk of embarrassing myself, because it’s something I’m so used to doing, anyway… (lol).

    I like how you mentioned what a personality like HG’s could be capable of, as far as ending war, or causing epic changes in our world (for glorious reasons), due to such minds that ‘these kinds’ bear. Perhaps, it could be looked into, and it might even be happening now in the way that Mr. Tudor is teaching others about how to conquer Sociopaths and Narcissism. But, it would be huge, if it could venture into other areas, too, just as you described.

    After reading this letter, I am convinced that you are a psychologist, and I was wondering if you might be in my area, and accept Blue Shield, NA? Sorry, my ADHD has me rambling off elsewhere, again.

    I really like your letter. It made me think of cool silk up against my skin. Sometimes people think I say really weird things, and I don’t know if this is one of those times.

    I hope everything I just said didn’t make you think, “WTF???”. I’m much better at writing abstract poetry than actually talking to people. So, it’s a bit difficult for me, at times. But, I mean to convey that your letter is A+, today.

    Thank you!

  6. Joanne says:

    Great letter. Agree on so many levels!

    I wonder what it says about me that I was never really bothered by HG’s proclamation of being a narc, his admissions of cruel behavior… Yes, reading his more detailed, personal stories is a little jarring at times, but it was not a struggle for me to see beyond all that in order to get the answers I was seeking.

    Sometimes we need a dark ally to get us through a dirty battle.

  7. Tamara says:

    NA, I am reblogging this on my Pinterest because I am just ready to run out, but I do not want to miss reading it, or forget to do so. When I return this evening, I will take my time with it. I would much rather do this, than to hurriedly glance over it. I haven’t even looked it over, yet. I only saw the featured pictured with your name on it. Be back in a while.


  8. E. B. says:

    It was very interesting to learn about your own perspective, NA. I appreciate your honesty. I enjoyed reading it and hope you will do that again, if you wish.

  9. marymswan1 says:

    Thank you for writing this. It is healing, reaffirming and honest. Love and healing to you!

  10. K says:

    Just in case, the popcorn machine is out of the box and ready!

  11. Survivor X says:

    Excellent letter. I think that it’s easy to view someone like H.G. as a charlatan, an opportunist, an abuser, and undoubtedly he is all three towards people even now. If one has people like H.G. in one’s family, even, which I do, it’s difficult to label them as all-out monsters. Generally people like him are not entirely monstrous. They look like us, talk like us, often act like us. It’s very easy to overlook and maintain ignorance to the nausea in the pit of one’s stomach which indicates that something is wrong with them. It’s also important to note that pedophiles make great film makers, narcissists make great writers, rapists make great counselors, serial killers make great business owners. All of these things these abusers will do to maintain the facade, obtain fuel, continue to abuse. Do not be fooled by the facade. Believe those that come forward as survivors of this abuse. Think about what little they have to gain by coming forward. Is the survivor less important than the often prominent abuser? I think not, but we often place the abuser on a pedestal. This has happened time and time again in my own life. The abuser’s needs, wishes tend to supersede the survivor’s. This has been, in my humble opinion, society’s downfall.

    1. Narc Noob says:

      Well said, Survivor X!

      1. Survivor X says:

        Thx Narc Noob! lol I ❤️ your handle.

  12. Deborah says:

    Well said. And more then that, Needed to be said. Well done!!

  13. WhoCares says:


    Much time has passed since you wrote this – and every time ’round it inspires some pretty opinionated responses.
    Has your own personal opinion or perspective towards HG changed/evolved since you initially ‘penned’ this?

    1. MB says:

      I’ve never seen why this letter causes such reactions. I know K has the popcorn on standby and that is good! What is it that NA wrote that’s so controversial? I just don’t get it. 🤷‍♀️

      1. K says:

        I don’t get it either but there was quite a kerfuffle on the June 2018 letter.

        1. MB says:

          K, was that the one about camping? I’ll never forget the poor soldiers HG was making at sunrise. And NA hiking back saying that fatigues are aptly named!

          1. K says:

            Yes, the original comment was posted on: Who’s The Daddy, and then reposted on Letter 62 for Strongerwendy for clarification. Plus, Aunt Clara and Tigerchelle were commenting.

            HG Tudor
            JUNE 26, 2018 AT 04:10
            I will take you camping NA, you will revise your opinion. Nothing like having Poor Soldiers of Windsor as the dawn breaks and a fuel-filled day awaits.

          2. HG Tudor says:

            And as is often the case when there is any ‘banter’ between NA (a long standing reader) and I, certain envious individuals make up deluded nonsense.

          3. K says:

            There is evidence of hostility towards NarcAngel in the archives, as well. I enjoy the banter between you and NA; it really helped me with my recovery.

          4. HG Tudor says:

            Indeed, purely because she states her view in a forthright manner and with wit. It is only the envious ones who attack her – occasionally there is the odd one who thinks she and I are the same person. Further delusion.

          5. MB says:

            K, yep. That was it. I remembered it though. HG has introduced me to the poor soldiers and the Buddha jumps over the moon soup. I won’t forget 😊

          6. K says:

            Ha ha ha…those can be on the Tear Off Desk Calendars. This place is a riot!

          7. MB says:

            I agree K. We have some great folks here!

          8. K says:

            Absolutely! Speaking of kerfuffles, have you been on the thread: Entering the Sphere of Influence?

    2. NarcAngel says:

      Hi WhoCares

      Haha. You have me breaking a boundary for you.

      When the letter appeared this time I decided not to respond to any comments. In fact I have not commented on the content of any of the letters from other writers either. Previous postings of this letter have resulted in strong emotion for some yes. It is my letter and my perspective and we have not all experienced the same things nor are we at the same point in our journey. I don’t expect people to accept it. For those who find something positive in it to consider I appreciate your grace in being open, for those who do not, I understand and have responded all I care to in the previous postings.

      Now to your question:

      My opinion and perspective towards HG has not changed. I continue to admire the genius of his work and how in his quest for personal legacy, he has, and will continue to provide the tools required for those who seek to be released from the grip of his kind so that they may achieve their own goals. He endured abuse also and we cope differently. That is just a fact and I accept it. That does not mean that I condone abuse and I want to be clear that I do not do not extend the same view to all narcissists. My letter was addressed to HG.

      What HAS changed and evolved over time is myself. I feel different to when I first arrived. That is largely due to the excellent education provided by HG, but also the environment he has created here, which has allowed me to interact with, and learn from, his varied, intelligent, patient, humorous, and accepting guests (and I am ever mindful that I am his guest and try to act accordingly but sometimes miss the mark and end up in the naughty stool). I admire their strength in being here and am ever grateful to them for sharing so that we can all continue to learn, educate others about this disorder, and direct people here for the help they need.

      Sorry, it appears my spleen was enlarged.

      1. WhoCares says:


        Sorry to be the one to cause you to breach your boundaries! I totally respect the decision to not respond to comments (as you have responded to/defended plenty in the past) and I appreciate you taking the time to reply. (Figures!…you had decided on no responses and I go and ask a question of you…)

        You’re absolutely right about about the strength and honesty it sometimes requires to give words to our experiences and then offer them for the eyes of others; it is certainly commendable.

        And just because the words may not match the experience or internal perspective of another, it does not invalidate that experience.

        Thank-you for your considered and reflective response NA.

      2. MB says:

        NA, enlarged spleen 😂

      3. Survivor X says:

        I don’t get why -idk maybe it’s the empathy you feel towards HG that people take issue with this letter? But I kind of get it if you’re empathetic, inevitably you’re going to feel for that young HG who made this choice to never accept his inner child, leading a lonely existence devoid of true acceptance, love, and spontaneity. I guess some people play chess to see what their opponent comes up with as a move (Personally that interests me more than winning.) while narcs play chess to WIN at all costs, even at the cost of their own soul.

  14. Lorelei says:

    “Candles are less celebrated in full sunshine.” Beautiful NA!

  15. Presque Vu says:

    Wow NA!

    You make sense, perfect bloody sense!

    Especially about sharing your qualities until your boundary is broken – but also about respecting HG and how far he has come since the beginning of this blog.

    It’s not a worshiping letter, it’s a heartfelt letter of respect and acknowledgement that despite his beginnings and what he is – he is accepted by you for who he is and what he is doing to spread awareness of Narcissism. He is a founding father no doubt about it.

    You make a point about self flagellation, point noted! Very good and food for thought definitely.

    Yes. Take only what benefits us – that’s mutually beneficial. When your boundaries are not adhered to GOSO.

    Thank you for writing this NA, an honest offering.

    1. blackunicorn123 says:

      PV, I agree! Well said.

  16. Tammy says:

    Very insightful. I agree with this in many ways.

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