“Hello, this is Seymour Storees, reporting live and in your (masked) face for Channel 19 News. As the world dons its own mask and continues to hunker down and isolate in order to tackle the growing menace of the invisible enemy that is Covid-19, we wanted to find out, from around the world, what people thought of the ongoing crisis.
Governments battle to contain or slow the spread of coronavirus, stimulus packages are released in order to try and steady the panicked financial markets and Battle Royale : Bumwipers slugs it out with The Toilet Paper Games : Mockery for audience share across record viewing figures as people are forced to remain at home, we, the valiant news team from Channel 19 News sought out the views of a cross section of society.
We wanted a soundbite from each individual interviewed that summed up their attitude towards the pandemic. What follows is a range of responses that provide a fascinating insight into the way that human beings are dealing with the unprecedented events around the globe.”
Number One : Lower Lesser Narcissist
“Our first soundbite arose from finding a man wandering around, clearly inebriated at 10am in Narcville, wearing a string vest, camouflage pants and a permanent scowl. This is what transpired.”
“Excuse me sir, hello, Seymour Storees, Channel 19 News. Should you be out here, there is a mandatory lockdown situation in this town as a consequence of the coronavirus, it is essential business only otherwise you face a fine or even imprisonment.”
“Let me tell you Seeemooooor, nobody, no person, no government and no goddamn virus from Chinaland is stopping me from my ess, essen, er, beer. Fuck the virus! You gotta a few bucks for a guy down on his luck, buddy?”
Number Two : Middle Lesser Narcissist
“Our next soundbite came from a resident in a Haz-Mat suit we found boarding up the windows on his house and placing orange rubber webbing around his house. We approached him to find out what he was doing.”
“Hello sir, Seymour Storees Channel 19 News would you mind telling our viewers what you are doing here?”
“I sure will. I have been studying this here virus online and instead of spraying disinfectant and washing your hands, which you have to keep doing, what you need to do is to take the fight to the virus and tell it, you shall not pass! So, I am boarding up the windows so the virus cannot crawl into my house.”
“Interesting approach sir and what is this orange rubber webbing for?”
“Copper kills the virus. It lasts a long time on metal and plastic, but not copper.”
“But, this isn’t copper, sir”
“Copper is kind orangey, I couldn’t afford no copper webbing, so I figured that the virus hates orange so this orange rubber webbing will work just as good. I know these things (taps gas mask with gloved finger), you can have a roll for your news truck if you like, two hundred bucks, for you and can you deliver a roll to my mom in the next town for me?”
Number Three : Upper Lesser Type A
“We next spoke to an excited looking young man who was clutching a six pack of beer and was with a group of other men swaggering along the otherwise empty street. A heady brew of alcohol and cologne wafted from the group.
“Hi there, gents, Seymour Storees, Channel 19 News, why are you not at home social distancing because of the coronavirus?”
(Hands beer to his friend who is wearing a Homer Simpson suit, grabs mic with both hands and stares into the camera)
“Hoo ha! We’ve been all sent home from work so that means it is party time! Yeah man! Don’t worry about this virus, it is time to grab some cold ones, hunt down some laydeeez and rock this place! Partay! Partay! Partay!”
“But sir, are you not worried about catching the coronavirus by socialising in this way?”
“No way dude! I move too fast for the virus to even latch onto me, I have skills!”
(Drops mic and performs a series of surprisingly well-executed karate moves.)
“You want to come with us? It is hot tub time my man!”
Number Four : Upper Lesser Type B
“We next contacted Mayor Ivor Temper for his views on the ongoing crisis. He had this to say from city hall.”
“We have the situation totally under control. There is no need for anybody to be concerned. No need at all. We are doing a good job, a great job, a great, great job. A better job than anywhere else. It is business as usual here in Bluster City. We have successfully implemented the measures to defeat the Chinese Virus. Bluster Big Pharma´s, CEO has confirmed to me personally, me myself, to me, that a vaccine “Bluster Blood Vessel” will be available in 24 hours and all residents of our magnificent Bluster City will receive free vaccinations, not that they need it of course because we have kept the virus out already. There is no virus here. No virus at all. It is a bad, bad virus, very bad, but it is not here.
“But Mayor Temper, Channel 19 News has seen confirmation from Professor Ai-Ku of the regional health authority that there are 460 confirmed cases of Covid-19 infection in Bluster City as of 9am this morning.”
“Nonsense, who is this Hi-Karate fellow? Never heard of him. Sounds like he needs locking up.”
“Professor Ai-Ku, Mr Mayor, he is the eminent head of infectious diseases and epidemics at the University of Sensible Measured Analysis.”
“Oh one of these so-called experts with more letters after his name than I have in my alphabet soup, which is good soup, very ,very good soup, great soup for stopping viruses and that is a fact. Though there are no viruses here, except the ones we allow. Let me tell you, people have had enough of these experts. What they want is evidence, well I will tell you, the coronavirus is not in Bluster City, has never been in Bluster City and will never be in Bluster City. That is the evidence, because I am the evidence. Now, take your fake news and get out of my office!”
“Well, an explosive reaction there from Mayor Temper of Bluster City and another fascinating fact frenzy from us here at Channel 19 News. Stay with us, after a commercial break for health insurance, huge reductions on Narc Knowledge by using code toiletpaper19 at the checkout in The Knowledge Vault, funeral plans and toilet roll, because we will be back with more Covid-19 Soundbites from the residents of planet earth.
Get ready for the Corona Moaners!
I’m Seymour Storees, this is Channel 19 News and remember, don’t turn off, until your last cough!”