The Covid-19 Soundbites


“Hello, this is Seymour Storees, reporting live and in your (masked) face for Channel 19 News. As the world dons its own mask and continues to hunker down and isolate in order to tackle the growing menace of the invisible enemy that is Covid-19, we wanted to find out, from around the world, what people thought of the ongoing crisis.

Governments battle to contain or slow the spread of coronavirus, stimulus packages are released in order to try and steady the panicked financial markets and  Battle Royale : Bumwipers slugs it out with The Toilet Paper Games : Mockery for audience share across record viewing figures as people are forced to remain at home, we, the valiant news team from Channel 19 News sought out the views of a cross section of society.

We wanted a soundbite from each individual interviewed that summed up their attitude towards the pandemic. What follows is a range of responses that provide a fascinating insight into the way that human beings are dealing with the unprecedented events around the globe.”

Number One : Lower Lesser Narcissist

“Our first soundbite arose from finding a man wandering around, clearly inebriated at 10am in Narcville, wearing a string vest, camouflage pants and a permanent scowl. This is what transpired.”

“Excuse me sir, hello, Seymour Storees, Channel 19 News. Should you be out here, there is a mandatory lockdown situation in this town as a consequence of the coronavirus, it is essential business only otherwise you face a fine or even imprisonment.”

“Let me tell you Seeemooooor, nobody, no person, no government and no goddamn virus from Chinaland is stopping me from my ess, essen, er, beer. Fuck the virus! You gotta a few bucks for a guy down on his luck, buddy?”

Number Two : Middle Lesser Narcissist

“Our next soundbite came from a resident in a Haz-Mat suit we found boarding up the windows on his house and placing orange rubber webbing around his house. We approached him to find out what he was doing.”

“Hello sir, Seymour Storees Channel 19 News would you mind telling our viewers what you are doing here?”

“I sure will. I have been studying this here virus online and instead of spraying disinfectant and washing your hands, which you have to keep doing, what you need to do is to take the fight to the virus and tell it, you shall not pass! So, I am boarding up the windows so the virus cannot crawl into my house.”

“Interesting approach sir and what is this orange rubber webbing for?”

“Copper kills the virus. It lasts a long time on metal and plastic, but not copper.”

“But, this isn’t copper, sir”

“Copper is kind orangey, I couldn’t afford no copper webbing, so I figured that the virus hates orange so this orange rubber webbing will work just as good. I know these things (taps gas mask with gloved finger), you can have a roll for your news truck if you like, two hundred bucks, for you and can you deliver a roll to my mom in the next town for me?”

Number Three : Upper Lesser Type A

“We next spoke to an excited looking young man who was clutching a six pack of beer and was with a group of other men swaggering along the otherwise empty street. A heady brew of alcohol and cologne wafted from the group.

“Hi there, gents, Seymour Storees, Channel 19 News, why are you not at home social distancing because of the coronavirus?”

(Hands beer to his friend who is wearing a Homer Simpson suit, grabs mic with both hands and stares into the camera)

“Hoo ha! We’ve been all sent home from work so that means it is party time! Yeah man! Don’t worry about this virus, it is time to grab some cold ones, hunt down some laydeeez and rock this place! Partay! Partay! Partay!”

“But sir, are you not worried about catching the coronavirus by socialising in this way?”

“No way dude! I move too fast for the virus to even latch onto me, I have skills!”

(Drops mic and performs a series of surprisingly well-executed karate moves.)

“You want to come with us? It is hot tub time my man!”

Number Four : Upper Lesser Type B

“We next contacted Mayor Ivor Temper for his views on the ongoing crisis. He had this to say from city hall.”

“We have the situation totally under control. There is no need for anybody to be concerned. No need at all. We are doing a good job, a great job, a great, great job. A better job than anywhere else. It is business as usual here in Bluster City. We have successfully implemented the measures to defeat the Chinese Virus. Bluster Big Pharma´s, CEO has confirmed to me personally, me myself, to me, that a vaccine “Bluster Blood Vessel” will be available in 24 hours and all residents of our magnificent Bluster City will receive free vaccinations, not that they need it of course because we have kept the virus out already. There is no virus here. No virus at all. It is a bad, bad virus, very bad, but it is not here.

“But Mayor Temper, Channel 19 News has seen confirmation from Professor Ai-Ku of the regional health authority that there are 460 confirmed cases of Covid-19 infection in Bluster City as of 9am this morning.”

“Nonsense, who is this Hi-Karate fellow? Never heard of him. Sounds like he needs locking up.”

“Professor Ai-Ku, Mr Mayor, he is the eminent head of infectious diseases and epidemics at the University of Sensible Measured Analysis.”

“Oh one of these so-called experts with more letters after his name than I have in my alphabet soup, which is good soup, very ,very good soup, great soup for stopping viruses and that is a fact. Though there are no viruses here, except the ones we allow. Let me tell you, people have had enough of these experts. What they want is evidence, well I will tell you, the coronavirus is not in Bluster City, has never been in Bluster City and will never be in Bluster City. That is the evidence, because I am the evidence. Now, take your fake news and get out of my office!”

“Well, an explosive reaction there from Mayor Temper of Bluster City and another fascinating fact frenzy from us here at Channel 19 News. Stay with us, after a commercial break for health insurance,  huge reductions on Narc Knowledge by using code toiletpaper19 at the checkout in The Knowledge Vault, funeral plans and toilet roll, because we will be back with more Covid-19 Soundbites from the residents of planet earth.

Get ready for the Corona Moaners!

I’m Seymour Storees, this is Channel 19 News and remember, don’t turn off, until your last cough!”

89 thoughts on “The Covid-19 Soundbites

  1. WokeAF says:

    HG which school is most likely to post on FB numerous links daily from questionable sources saying Covid is a hoax , or social distancing is to get us all accustomed to losing our rights etc (Mixed w links about Hilary Clinton pedo rings , chips in vaxxes etc)


    1. HG Tudor says:

      This behaviour is applicable to both Lesser and Mid-Range, the distinction will be in the manner of delivery.

      1. WokeAF says:

        Could you pls elaborate?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Lesser will copy and paste the rudimentary views of others.
          Mid Rangers are more likely to advance their “own observations” (lifting it from other material and not stating as such) or copying in a lot of links with their own added commentary.

          1. WokeAF says:

            Thank you ! My fave part was when she couldn’t offer any evidence but yet claimed she’s done tons of “research”

            Kk thx HG XX

          2. HG Tudor says:

            Typical narcissist response, from the lower orders.

          3. Anm says:

            My daughters father, who is an upper Lesser narcissist just fired his attorney of 3 years, who was also an upper Lesser. He has the money to keep her, but he is a nut. He filed his own pleadings in court the other day. There wasnt a single legal argument in his pleadings, just entitlement. He also filed a “medical plan” with our daughters pediatric office. It wasnt neccessary, nor was it legally binding, but yes, it looked like he copied and pasted medical information from a conspiracy theory website. I know he thinks he is so clever. If I can get him to go in front of our judge to speak without an attorney, i believe it will be game over for him.

  2. MommyPino says:

    Oh my lol this is hilarious HG 😂.

    The Middle Lesser really does describe my mom. If she was alive today I could totally picture her pouring Clorox all over her house and boarding up her windows and putting quartz crystals and statues of Jesus, Mary and Buddha behind her window to ward off the death spirit. She will lock herself inside until she becomes restless and go outside several times because of the most random reasons which will have her ending up getting infected. And then she would visit our relatives to tell them her conspiracy theories and end up infecting them as well.

    There was an UL Type A that got my blood boiling in one of our community groups on Facebook. He owns a club here and yesterday I saw someone post that he was driving and saw this club with lights on and music and had several people drinking and partying. Then several people ridiculed this guy for being upset at seeing the club open. The owner even posted in his business page that they are open this weekend and was inviting people to listen to music and drink with them. He said, “I’m sorry if you don’t like it (some of you) then don’t come in. We’re all gonna die. We live for now.” Thankfully his place has already been shut down by the Sheriff. Somebody has beaten me to reporting him.

  3. Narc noob says:

    Looking forward to Carona Moaners.

    What kind of N goes into long term denial and directs attention back to himself without using the virus? Any?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Long term denial with reference to what? How is direction returned to the narcissist?

      1. Narc noob says:

        What I was asking is whether or not there is a type of N who carries on in denial with world events like CV19? I guess I answered my own question/didn’t think it through clearly before asking.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Thank you for clarifying. Many narcissists will respond in this manner owing to a sense of entitlement and a lack of accountability.

  4. Violetta says:

    It’s all sorted: Mayor Temper of Amity says people just need to stop reporting the problems:

  5. Cloudy says:


    What’s more deadly?

    This virus or narcissist people?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It depends on the context.

      If you are old and have pre-existing health issues, the virus is more deadly than the narcissist doctor endeavouring to save your life.
      If you are young, fit and healthy and trapped in a house with violent Lower Lesser. The narcissist is more deadly than the virus.

  6. WokeAF says:

    Omg this is hilarious ! Although I have to say Narcoholic (HG confirmed ML) is pulling a cross between LL & UL-A

    And babydaddy ( HG maybe this will help ) is pulling the LL attitude toward it- but isn’t a drunk)

    My HG confirmed MMR-A is using this time to be with a DLS, as his wife is out of province! So no big volunteer efforts but maybe in his immediate neighbourhood I dunno.

    I’m busy today but I’ll enjoy all these articles when I’m done . So great/ is there a “how the school/cadre of empath reacts to COVID “ coming? LOVE IT

    1. Lorelei says:

      Total Trump impersonation. HG, I would imagine you are quite funny to smoke pot with. I used to laugh so much on that crap when I was younger. You would have me pee my pants and then I’d laugh about peeing.Then you would laugh that I peed and didn’t need toilet paper because it was too late.

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Don’t smoke and never have. You can smoke it, I will provide the humour and charm.

        1. Lorelei says:

          Ugh, I’ll pass 25 years later! It’s so filthy to me now.

          1. HG Tudor says:


          2. Violetta says:

            I had to give it up because of a) gymnastics; b) theatre; and c) Pink Floyd.

          3. Lorelei says:

            Ugh It was a brief moment on the dark side! There were a few such moments.

  7. Violetta says:

    A lot of the “partay party” folks who had to be ordered of the beaches in Florida were college students on Spring break. Their cluelessness is somewhat understandable (although I think I wasn’t quite that stupid by college. High school, now…).

    The Mayor…holy guacamole. You know, the repetition is almost like Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man.

  8. MB says:

    Trump has been truly entertaining throughout this. No matter your politics, this is good representation of a narcissist trying to control the uncontrollable. *makes wave motion with hand* this will “wash its way out”

  9. njfilly says:

    You mock beer and camouflage pants to your own detriment.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I mock Lower Lessers routinely. You focussed on the wrong elements.

      1. njfilly says:

        Thank you for correcting me. Perhaps I need to be punished.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          There is no perhaps!

          1. njfilly says:


            Thank you for all your humorous articles lately. They are very informative and very entertaining!

          2. HG Tudor says:

            You are welcome.

        2. Violetta says:

          Damn, girl, haven’t you had enough Celine?

          Not sure what HG could use that’s worse. The Shaggs’ “My Pal Foot Foot” is more cacophonous, but nothing like as phony. The Shaggs were nothing if not sincere.

          1. njfilly says:

            He tailors the torture to each prisoner individually. For me he plays Depeche Mode.

          2. Sweetest Perfection says:

            I don’t think he plays DM just for you, Njfilly… jk, I know what you meant.

          3. njfilly says:

            Sweet P:

            Actually, you are correct. He plays DM to satisfy his own needs, but the pain it causes me is collateral damage.

            “Two birds and all that.”

      2. Lorelei says:

        Lower lessers are just easy targets and I do it too. I can’t help it. Putin is also an easy target due to his ridiculous bare chest photos. Everyone is a target to an extent which is why our world is humorous. I make fun of myself. I am horribly clumsy for instance. I may not wear Dale t-shirts from the race track but I am totally idiotic sometimes. I also like chilled red wine which isn’t very classy from what I understand from wine snobs. I also have big feet.

        1. Sweetest Perfection says:

          Lorelei, red wine has to be taken room temperature. That’s what most people say without having any idea that “room temperature” refers to the temperature in a cool cellar, not in a restaurant in August when it’s 100 degrees. Some reds taste better at 20 degrees while full-body reds taste better at 65. Conclusion: drink your wine whatever way you like it better and fuck what anyone says!

          1. Lorelei says:

            I need to know why it has to be room temperature? Who came up with this rule and why do we accept it as “our truth.” I like hot coffee and cold wine.

          2. HG Tudor says:

            It doesn’t have to be, but is considered to be the optimum way of enjoying it, but that won’t be optimum for everybody.

          3. Lorelei says:

            I bought two bottles of Cabernet Sauvignon in my panic buy. I opened one but only had a single glass. I know it’s hard to believe but I used to drink the entire bottle. More typically when living with a stupid piece of flesh that is arguably human. There seems to a statistical correlation between living with vampires and alcohol intake. It thins our blood I think.

          4. Sweetest Perfection says:

            Or for every wine, or for every room. I’m very picky about this. I got into a huge argument with a lady in a hotel bar because she refused to chill red wine even if it was 105 degrees in the middle of July in the South of Europe. You need to know a little about the type of wine you are serving, its optimum temperature could change depending on many traits. Ultimately, generalizations about wine -as about anything really- are based on ignorance.

          5. Lorelei says:

            This is my frustration—if room temperature is hotter than 72 it needs chilled..

          6. Sweetest Perfection says:

            Alternatively, you could also drink chilled white or rosé without raising anyone’s eyebrow. Or simply, not give a fuck.

          7. Lorelei says:

            I think “going cold” is less rogue than “going warm.”

          8. Dolores Haze says:

            Re:wine. My husband is in wine business and he says all wines should be chilled, since “room temperature” used to mean 14-15 degrees Centigrade when this rule was established, not 22 degrees as it is now. Personally I wouldn’t over-chill certain complex-bouquet whites as it interferes with opening up their aroma.

            I stocked a gazillion of good wine and champagne as a necessity to survive staying home with a baby and a preschooler. I’d rather starve.

          9. Sweetest Perfection says:

            Dolores, a gazillion is the right amount.

          10. Lorelei says:

            Thank you! I’m not drinking anything piss warm! A chilled essence is required. I’m drinking wine this evening in fact. Alone and happy in front of the fire. I’m off work for 2 weeks and stuck in the armpit of America.

          11. lisk says:

            Beaujolais is traditionally chilled (and I’m not talkin’ ’bout Nouveau here).

            Pinot Noir takes well to chilling as well.

          12. Lorelei says:

            I’m pouring a drink soon. I’m currently being treated to passive aggressive behavior by my child. If I’m intoxicated soon I won’t care.

          13. Violetta says:

            Chilled my left glute! It’s been raining Savannah cats and Newfies here. I want hot things for my rum. Hot white chocolate, hot buttered rum….both of which can be served with HG recordings. I taste-tested.

          14. Lorelei says:

            I’ll do hot buttery things.

          15. Sweetest Perfection says:

            Been asked to recite a poem to broadcast about these uncertain times -not in English- I found the perfect poem. Wish I could borrow HG’s voice now! I’ll do the best I can.

        2. njfilly says:

          Yes, I understand. Lower lessers are easy to mock. I was only joking anyway. Camouflage clothes are really not my style, however, I do have a camouflage shirt and capri pants that I bought, as sort of a joke, and to fit in with the locals and the “farm boys”. Now I kind of like it.

          Although I do drink beer occasionally, I don’t really have a drink of choice. I don’t know anything about wine either, other than it comes in different colors whereas vodka is always clear (as far as I know). I do think I have heard that red wine is not supposed to be chilled. I live next door to a winery which is very convenient.

          I still enjoy cannabis, but now I eat it. Like you, it makes me very giddy and I laugh at everything and anything. It’s fun.

          I also have big feet!

          1. Lorelei says:

            I rarely drink these days because I’m not miserable 24/7 from a blood sucking parasite! But I have moments. It always catches up before I realize and then I kinda have to sleep it off.. I can’t use it because of my job, but it always made me laugh. Ridiculously sometimes —and we had no idea why we were laughing. It’s great fun.

  10. Sweetest Perfection says:

    “You want to come with us? It is hot tub time my man!” Now, cut “hot tub” and insert “ocean spree” and voilà. Hahahahaha I am DYING!!!!!! You’re amazing.

    1. Sweetest Perfection says:

      Also: “my man….” This.

    2. Lorelei says:

      Sweetest, I’m just catching up entirely on these.. I can see them all in action! I had an obvious Lower Lesser hit on me at work and he was so inappropriate I had ENOUGH. Usually I just take it and ignore it but he kept on with the sexy talk and I said, “Get him out of here!” Long story–the details are not needed but on the way out, “Man what did I do?! Ya’ll ain’t takin it easy on a brother…” I almost slapped him I was so frayed. I do not have to listen to filth. Absolute disgusting filth. Lower lessers are especially idiots.

      1. Sweetest Perfection says:

        Fortunately for me, I don’t know any. I think if I met one, that type would be very easy to spot.

        1. Lorelei says:

          Often you smell them before spotting them.

          1. Sweetest Perfection says:

            Uuughh!!!! Hahahahaha

          2. Lorelei says:

            I’m not kidding. Not entirely anyway.

          3. Sweetest Perfection says:

            Lorelei, I want your opinion as a professional: do you think it is effective to cover your face with a self-made mask out of an old bra? Even if it has a ginger cookie picture in one of the tits but using the other one instead so that it doesn’t call the attention. Asking for a friend.

          4. Lorelei says:

            Sweetest—I think giving a blow job would be better than such a contraption because your mouth will be closed and if you get hit in the eye they will naturally close and keep the virus out.

          5. Sweetest Perfection says:

            Lorelei, my friend wants to know if she can take the guy while giving the blowjob out shopping as well, in case of using your technique as a preventative measure against the virus in the supermarket.

          6. Lorelei says:

            The blow job is for the car, not in the paper goods aisle at the store.

          7. Violetta says:

            Sweet P:

            Noooo, use the ginger cookie side!

          8. Sweetest Perfection says:

            Violetta, the ginger cookie pic has a bite in it and “my friend” doesn’t want to give the wrong idea in these times of pandemic crisis.

          9. Violetta says:

            Sweet P:

            You mean “your friend” doesn’t want to give the right idea.

  11. leighwarren17 says:

    I thoroughly enjoyed that!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Jolly good.

  12. kel says:

    🤣🤣 We’re all in this together, thanks for the laughs HG. “Humor is the good natured side of a truth” – Mark Twain

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

  13. FYC says:

    HG, you are a genius. This is entirely entertaining and educational all at once. You earn your praise. Can’t wait to read the next one.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you FYC.

  14. kaydiva3 says:

    HG you are the best. Ivor Temper is Trump.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Pure coincidence.

  15. MeMe says:

    Ok I’m actually commenting before I even read this part 1
    I only skimmed over Part 2 out of sheer excitement turned impulsiveness after a bout of confusion. I wasn’t sure I had the correct link – damn this is getting good. I love a creative mind that can throw me through a loop
    Happy your happy
    Now I must read lol

  16. Mercy says:

    HG, You’re the best! You nailed Mayor Ivor Temper and the middle lesser sounds like those guys that have been preparing for a Zombie apocalypse all of their lives. Please do more!!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you.

  17. Claire says:

    Hahaha, this is hilarious😂😂😂!
    Thank you for the good laugh, HG! Such a brilliant dark comedy! I instantly recognised
    some guys from the gym albeit they would chase ahem, other guys and perform some stretching instead karate .
    Mayor Ivor Temple is in charge in some Australian states , namely NSW.
    This is the sad truth.

    The guy(s) in the Haz-Mat suits – they look like mine Narc1 and Narc2 😂!
    No surprise Narc1 is trying to make some extra bucks 😂

  18. fox says:

    Hahaha omg this made my day! Mayor Ivor Temper is so familiar for some reason. 🙂

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Pure coincidence!

  19. WhoCares says:

    Omg – cracking up!

  20. theletterafterj says:

    Hahahahaha…this was fantastic and completely accurate! Mayor Ivor Temper is a riot! I felt so at home reading this; it’s like I never left narcville. Thanks HG.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

    2. Sweetest Perfection says:

      “We are doing a good job, a great job, a great, great job. A better job than anywhere else. It is business as usual here in Bluster City. We have successfully implemented the measures to defeat the Chinese Virus.” I CAN’T EVEN. Hahahaha!!!!

  21. SoldierOfLuv says:

    You have me in tears 😂.

  22. Kristin says:

    Good one HG, I think you missed your calling as a stand up comedian! Nice to start my day with a laugh.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Comedian? This is a deadly serious academic article about narcissism Kristin!

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