The Covid-19 Soundbites (2)

“Welcome back to part two of The Covid-19 Soundbites, with me, your host, Seymour Storees, Channel 19 News with more fascinating insights about planet earth’s denizens and their views about the Covid-19 Pandemic. In part one, we heard from a Lower Lesser who was dismissive and defiant about the virus. We met an interesting resident who decided that orange was the new hack to halting coronavirus´march. We were invited to party central with the Upper Lesser Type A who clearly felt impervious to the risks posed by this infectious disease and was intent on using his downtime from work to quaff beer, kiss women and party like there was no covid-19 at all. Finally, we received a fiery message from Upper Lesser Type B, Mayor Ivor Temper who despite all evidence to the contrary was adamant that Bluster City is a Covid-19 free zone.

Now, it is time to speak to more people and find out how the pandemic is affecting them.”

Number Five : Lower Mid Range 

“Joining me by telephone is Mona Lotte, an administrator for a restaurant chain and mother of two children who are currently at home because their school is closed. Hello Mona, how are you all managing at home?”

“Hello Seymour, well it is hell. I mean, what are the authorities playing at? I am needed at work, these closed restaurants will not administer themselves you know and instead here I am playing nursemaid to these two when they should be in school I pay my taxes and it is all very well the teachers getting an extended Easter Break and let’s be honest, I know they do a good job and all that, but they get long enough off school as it is and now… Cornelius, Cornelius! No, you cannot make a testing kit from the cleaning cupboard, no you little sod, put that down, put it down NOW!”

(Sound of disturbance, a slap and a crying child then heard.)

“Sorry about that Seymour, you see, that is precisely my point, they are leaving it to us parents to care for and discipline the children when that is not out job.”

“But surely it is, Mona, after all, you are the children’s mother?”

“Oh what would you understand, you probably don’t have any children do you, swanning around in your news van thingy, I know your type. What I mean, if you actually listen to me, is during the day the schools look after the kids and we have them after that so we can work. How on earth will I afford one of those robot cleaning things if I have to stay at home looking after these two…Charity, will you just go and amuse yourself, mummy has a very important telephone call to make, this is the news man and I need to finish this, tell all my friends about it so they can watch it later and yes, yes then we can watch Kitty in the Well. Hush, shut up, I am talking. No, later. Sorry about that Seymour, honestly, I do the best I can with these two and as I was explaining, they should not be my responsibility not during the weekdays. It is really mayhem isn’t it, I have to look after those two, the shopping needs to be done and I can tell you Seymour, in fact, can I just use this Seymour to tell your viewers that they should not panic buy. It is irresponsible, selfish and downright stupid until I have been able to go to the supermarket first, can I tell them this Seymour?”

“I believe you just did Mona, but how are you planning to keep the children entertained during this period of uncertainty. The cinemas are closed, sporting leagues have shut down, play areas are no go areas now, how will you keep your children amused and occupied?”

“All I can say Seymour is thank the Lord for the internet, whoever invented that should be given a knighthood. It is an absolute saviour. So long as they can watch that building block thing on YouTube and Charity can upload dubious videos of her dancing in her bedroom from anyone to view, so long as they are glued to their tablets and I can get on with the more important matters then I think we will be okay. Well, I say okay, but I have to ask, where is the government in all this? No doubt living it up at banquets whilst we are all forced to eat dried pasta, if you can buy any of course, I say it is time to bring in the troops, use the army. You cannot shoot the virus so what are all these squaddies going to be doing anyway? Let’s make use of them, get them on the streets, in fact, they could look after the kids couldn’t they Trained Killer Kindergarten, actually, I am going to have to go Seymour, I need to call the Ministry of Defence with this idea before you steal it.”

(Clunk. Brrrrrrr.)

“That, er , was Mona, clearly having never heard of the British “Keep calm and carry on” and one of the many Corona Moaners that have been jamming the switchboard here at Channel 19 News.”

Number Six : Middle Mid Range Type A

“I am joined from our quayside studio by Ernest Endeavour. Hello, Ernest, thank you for being with us today at these testing times. Now, I understand that you have organised an outreach programme called Shopping Saviours, tell our viewers amore about this.”

“Thank you Seymour and may I just say what an honour it is to be on your show today. Always enjoyed what you do. Yes, Shopping Saviours is my brainchild. I spend a lot of time on social media anyway and even more now that we have to stay at home because of his terrible virus. May I just say that I everybody is in my prayers, Seymour, I am praying every hour and know that we have the strength to get through this test and it is a test, sent to us but together we will overcome it. As I was saying, I spend a lot of time on social media and I saw that people were offering to help the vulnerable in their communities, you know, run errands for them, offer to walk their dogs, clean their windows, fetch medication and I thought to myself, “I love to interfere in people’s lives and be busybody so why I don’t I do something better and offer to run errands to the shops for people, whilst walking their dogs and getting their medication leaving them free to clean their windows, so I set up Shopping Saviours. There is a Facebook page, Youtube channel with over 22 subscribers so far, Instagram page, Twitter account, Snapchat, blog page and online store with branded goods, like this copper helmet, just 100 euros and this facemask branded with the SS logo, just 50 euros and as you can see I am wearing the SS uniform similarly branded. You cannot buy that, it is mine.”

(Stands up to show off regalia and looks uncannily similar to an historical organisation that used similar initials)

“Er, yes, you have certainly stolen a march there on others providing exactly the same service, Ernest, have many people used what you are offering?”

“Oh, I am run off my feet, let me tell you, but I do not mind, I really do not mind. I am not in this for the money, that is just a happy side effect and someone like me does not really need money, just the stuff it buys. No, I do this because I want to help people. When I saw those pictures on your channel of people fighting over hand sanitiser, I just knew I had to do something. I could not stand by and let the human race tear itself apart. I had to do my bit, I know it is just me and it is just a start, but from little acorns grow mighty oaks.”

“That was on Channel 7, one of our competitors, actually…”

“Oh was it, gosh, I am so sorry, me and my memory. It must be the lack of sleep, I have been working around the clock, doing my bit for humanity.”

“All very laudable Ernest, so tell the viewers what it is you have been doing around the clock.”

“Oh where to begin? Well, I had to design the website and all the social media platforms, that was not an easy task but sooooo rewarding. Then I had to organise the branded goods, getting suppliers was not easy especially with poor old China having to shut down completely. Isn’t it awful, how are they managing, does anybody know? It is all very well worrying about Italy and France and Spain but what about our friends in China? Pray for them, they could all be dead for all we know, I hope not, I truly truly hope not. Sending you love China, be safe and be well. I know people say it is all your fault, but do not listen to them, hatred is not needed right now, love. love is the answer, love and deliveries.”

“Well, it is clear that care about everybody around the globe Ernest, but going back to Shopping Saviours who have you helped. Tell me more.”

“What you need to understand Seymour is that you cannot rush something like this, you need to plan, think about others, consider their needs and make sure they are all attended to. If you can see behind me, I managed to go to several supermarkets and ensure that I have stocked-up on provisions of toilet roll, wet wipes, tinned tuna, pasta, hand sanitiser, tissue paper, paracetamol, more toilet roll, kitchen roll, Swiss roll and sprinkles.”

“Do you plan to deliver these items to those who are unable to leave their homes and are amongst the most vulnerable to this outbreak of disease Ernest?”

“Absolutely, once I have completed the podcasts and videos telling everybody about my service, the leaflets have been printed and I have composed the mail shots to send out. Oh and composed a song for people to use when they are washing their hands, it is called  Washing My Hands Of All Of This, would you like me to play you a little of it?”

“I am sure it is very entertaining Ernest but we are short on time, thank you for joining us”

“Thank you Seymour, stay safe everybody, wash your hands of all of this (breaks into song and then the broadcast is ended)

“That is part two of Covid-19 Soundbites viewers, time for more unnecessary advertising apart from the excellent bargains to be add in The Knowledge Vault by applying code toiletpaper19 and after that we will return with more revelations as to how Planet Earth is dealing with coronavirus. Join us in part three when we speak to Cat Astrofy who was one of the first to go into self-isolation and Tera Nuwan who is leading the battle against Covid-19. Stay with us please until you sneeze!”