“Hello, this is Seymour Storees, reporting live and in your (masked) face for Channel 19 News. As the world dons its own mask and continues to hunker down and isolate in order to tackle the growing menace of the invisible enemy that is Covid-19, we wanted to find out, from around the world, what people thought of the ongoing crisis.
Governments battle to contain or slow the spread of coronavirus, stimulus packages are released in order to try and steady the panicked financial markets and Battle Royale : Bumwipers slugs it out with The Toilet Paper Games : Mockery for audience share across record viewing figures as people are forced to remain at home, we, the valiant news team from Channel 19 News sought out the views of a cross section of society.
We wanted a soundbite from each individual interviewed that summed up their attitude towards the pandemic. What follows is a range of responses that provide a fascinating insight into the way that human beings are dealing with the unprecedented events around the globe.”
Number One : Lower Lesser Narcissist
“Our first soundbite arose from finding a man wandering around, clearly inebriated at 10am in Narcville, wearing a string vest, camouflage pants and a permanent scowl. This is what transpired.”
“Excuse me sir, hello, Seymour Storees, Channel 19 News. Should you be out here, there is a mandatory lockdown situation in this town as a consequence of the coronavirus, it is essential business only otherwise you face a fine or even imprisonment.”
“Let me tell you Seeemooooor, nobody, no person, no government and no goddamn virus from Chinaland is stopping me from my ess, essen, er, beer. Fuck the virus! You gotta a few bucks for a guy down on his luck, buddy?”
Number Two : Middle Lesser Narcissist
“Our next soundbite came from a resident in a Haz-Mat suit we found boarding up the windows on his house and placing orange rubber webbing around his house. We approached him to find out what he was doing.”
“Hello sir, Seymour Storees Channel 19 News would you mind telling our viewers what you are doing here?”
“I sure will. I have been studying this here virus online and instead of spraying disinfectant and washing your hands, which you have to keep doing, what you need to do is to take the fight to the virus and tell it, you shall not pass! So, I am boarding up the windows so the virus cannot crawl into my house.”
“Interesting approach sir and what is this orange rubber webbing for?”
“Copper kills the virus. It lasts a long time on metal and plastic, but not copper.”
“But, this isn’t copper, sir”
“Copper is kind orangey, I couldn’t afford no copper webbing, so I figured that the virus hates orange so this orange rubber webbing will work just as good. I know these things (taps gas mask with gloved finger), you can have a roll for your news truck if you like, two hundred bucks, for you and can you deliver a roll to my mom in the next town for me?”
Number Three : Upper Lesser Type A
“We next spoke to an excited looking young man who was clutching a six pack of beer and was with a group of other men swaggering along the otherwise empty street. A heady brew of alcohol and cologne wafted from the group.
“Hi there, gents, Seymour Storees, Channel 19 News, why are you not at home social distancing because of the coronavirus?”
(Hands beer to his friend who is wearing a Homer Simpson suit, grabs mic with both hands and stares into the camera)
“Hoo ha! We’ve been all sent home from work so that means it is party time! Yeah man! Don’t worry about this virus, it is time to grab some cold ones, hunt down some laydeeez and rock this place! Partay! Partay! Partay!”
“But sir, are you not worried about catching the coronavirus by socialising in this way?”
“No way dude! I move too fast for the virus to even latch onto me, I have skills!”
(Drops mic and performs a series of surprisingly well-executed karate moves.)
“You want to come with us? It is hot tub time my man!”
Number Four : Upper Lesser Type B
“We next contacted Mayor Ivor Temper for his views on the ongoing crisis. He had this to say from city hall.”
“We have the situation totally under control. There is no need for anybody to be concerned. No need at all. We are doing a good job, a great job, a great, great job. A better job than anywhere else. It is business as usual here in Bluster City. We have successfully implemented the measures to defeat the Chinese Virus. Bluster Big Pharma´s, CEO has confirmed to me personally, me myself, to me, that a vaccine “Bluster Blood Vessel” will be available in 24 hours and all residents of our magnificent Bluster City will receive free vaccinations, not that they need it of course because we have kept the virus out already. There is no virus here. No virus at all. It is a bad, bad virus, very bad, but it is not here.
“But Mayor Temper, Channel 19 News has seen confirmation from Professor Ai-Ku of the regional health authority that there are 460 confirmed cases of Covid-19 infection in Bluster City as of 9am this morning.”
“Nonsense, who is this Hi-Karate fellow? Never heard of him. Sounds like he needs locking up.”
“Professor Ai-Ku, Mr Mayor, he is the eminent head of infectious diseases and epidemics at the University of Sensible Measured Analysis.”
“Oh one of these so-called experts with more letters after his name than I have in my alphabet soup, which is good soup, very ,very good soup, great soup for stopping viruses and that is a fact. Though there are no viruses here, except the ones we allow. Let me tell you, people have had enough of these experts. What they want is evidence, well I will tell you, the coronavirus is not in Bluster City, has never been in Bluster City and will never be in Bluster City. That is the evidence, because I am the evidence. Now, take your fake news and get out of my office!”
“Well, an explosive reaction there from Mayor Temper of Bluster City and another fascinating fact frenzy from us here at Channel 19 News. Stay with us, after a commercial break for health insurance, huge reductions on Narc Knowledge by using code toiletpaper19 at the checkout in The Knowledge Vault, funeral plans and toilet roll, because we will be back with more Covid-19 Soundbites from the residents of planet earth.
Get ready for the Corona Moaners!
I’m Seymour Storees, this is Channel 19 News and remember, don’t turn off, until your last cough!”
“Welcome back to part two of The Covid-19 Soundbites, with me, your host, Seymour Storees, Channel 19 News with more fascinating insights about planet earth’s denizens and their views about the Covid-19 Pandemic. In part one, we heard from a Lower Lesser who was dismissive and defiant about the virus. We met an interesting resident who decided that orange was the new hack to halting coronavirus´march. We were invited to party central with the Upper Lesser Type A who clearly felt impervious to the risks posed by this infectious disease and was intent on using his downtime from work to quaff beer, kiss women and party like there was no covid-19 at all. Finally, we received a fiery message from Upper Lesser Type B, Mayor Ivor Temper who despite all evidence to the contrary was adamant that Bluster City is a Covid-19 free zone.
Now, it is time to speak to more people and find out how the pandemic is affecting them.”
Number Five : Lower Mid Range
“Joining me by telephone is Mona Lotte, an administrator for a restaurant chain and mother of two children who are currently at home because their school is closed. Hello Mona, how are you all managing at home?”
“Hello Seymour, well it is hell. I mean, what are the authorities playing at? I am needed at work, these closed restaurants will not administer themselves you know and instead here I am playing nursemaid to these two when they should be in school I pay my taxes and it is all very well the teachers getting an extended Easter Break and let’s be honest, I know they do a good job and all that, but they get long enough off school as it is and now… Cornelius, Cornelius! No, you cannot make a testing kit from the cleaning cupboard, no you little sod, put that down, put it down NOW!”
(Sound of disturbance, a slap and a crying child then heard.)
“Sorry about that Seymour, you see, that is precisely my point, they are leaving it to us parents to care for and discipline the children when that is not out job.”
“But surely it is, Mona, after all, you are the children’s mother?”
“Oh what would you understand, you probably don’t have any children do you, swanning around in your news van thingy, I know your type. What I mean, if you actually listen to me, is during the day the schools look after the kids and we have them after that so we can work. How on earth will I afford one of those robot cleaning things if I have to stay at home looking after these two…Charity, will you just go and amuse yourself, mummy has a very important telephone call to make, this is the news man and I need to finish this, tell all my friends about it so they can watch it later and yes, yes then we can watch Kitty in the Well. Hush, shut up, I am talking. No, later. Sorry about that Seymour, honestly, I do the best I can with these two and as I was explaining, they should not be my responsibility not during the weekdays. It is really mayhem isn’t it, I have to look after those two, the shopping needs to be done and I can tell you Seymour, in fact, can I just use this Seymour to tell your viewers that they should not panic buy. It is irresponsible, selfish and downright stupid until I have been able to go to the supermarket first, can I tell them this Seymour?”
“I believe you just did Mona, but how are you planning to keep the children entertained during this period of uncertainty. The cinemas are closed, sporting leagues have shut down, play areas are no go areas now, how will you keep your children amused and occupied?”
“All I can say Seymour is thank the Lord for the internet, whoever invented that should be given a knighthood. It is an absolute saviour. So long as they can watch that building block thing on YouTube and Charity can upload dubious videos of her dancing in her bedroom from anyone to view, so long as they are glued to their tablets and I can get on with the more important matters then I think we will be okay. Well, I say okay, but I have to ask, where is the government in all this? No doubt living it up at banquets whilst we are all forced to eat dried pasta, if you can buy any of course, I say it is time to bring in the troops, use the army. You cannot shoot the virus so what are all these squaddies going to be doing anyway? Let’s make use of them, get them on the streets, in fact, they could look after the kids couldn’t they Trained Killer Kindergarten, actually, I am going to have to go Seymour, I need to call the Ministry of Defence with this idea before you steal it.”
(Clunk. Brrrrrrr.)
“That, er , was Mona, clearly having never heard of the British “Keep calm and carry on” and one of the many Corona Moaners that have been jamming the switchboard here at Channel 19 News.”
Number Six : Middle Mid Range Type A
“I am joined from our quayside studio by Ernest Endeavour. Hello, Ernest, thank you for being with us today at these testing times. Now, I understand that you have organised an outreach programme called Shopping Saviours, tell our viewers amore about this.”
“Thank you Seymour and may I just say what an honour it is to be on your show today. Always enjoyed what you do. Yes, Shopping Saviours is my brainchild. I spend a lot of time on social media anyway and even more now that we have to stay at home because of his terrible virus. May I just say that I everybody is in my prayers, Seymour, I am praying every hour and know that we have the strength to get through this test and it is a test, sent to us but together we will overcome it. As I was saying, I spend a lot of time on social media and I saw that people were offering to help the vulnerable in their communities, you know, run errands for them, offer to walk their dogs, clean their windows, fetch medication and I thought to myself, “I love to interfere in people’s lives and be busybody so why I don’t I do something better and offer to run errands to the shops for people, whilst walking their dogs and getting their medication leaving them free to clean their windows, so I set up Shopping Saviours. There is a Facebook page, Youtube channel with over 22 subscribers so far, Instagram page, Twitter account, Snapchat, blog page and online store with branded goods, like this copper helmet, just 100 euros and this facemask branded with the SS logo, just 50 euros and as you can see I am wearing the SS uniform similarly branded. You cannot buy that, it is mine.”
(Stands up to show off regalia and looks uncannily similar to an historical organisation that used similar initials)
“Er, yes, you have certainly stolen a march there on others providing exactly the same service, Ernest, have many people used what you are offering?”
“Oh, I am run off my feet, let me tell you, but I do not mind, I really do not mind. I am not in this for the money, that is just a happy side effect and someone like me does not really need money, just the stuff it buys. No, I do this because I want to help people. When I saw those pictures on your channel of people fighting over hand sanitiser, I just knew I had to do something. I could not stand by and let the human race tear itself apart. I had to do my bit, I know it is just me and it is just a start, but from little acorns grow mighty oaks.”
“That was on Channel 7, one of our competitors, actually…”
“Oh was it, gosh, I am so sorry, me and my memory. It must be the lack of sleep, I have been working around the clock, doing my bit for humanity.”
“All very laudable Ernest, so tell the viewers what it is you have been doing around the clock.”
“Oh where to begin? Well, I had to design the website and all the social media platforms, that was not an easy task but sooooo rewarding. Then I had to organise the branded goods, getting suppliers was not easy especially with poor old China having to shut down completely. Isn’t it awful, how are they managing, does anybody know? It is all very well worrying about Italy and France and Spain but what about our friends in China? Pray for them, they could all be dead for all we know, I hope not, I truly truly hope not. Sending you love China, be safe and be well. I know people say it is all your fault, but do not listen to them, hatred is not needed right now, love. love is the answer, love and deliveries.”
“Well, it is clear that care about everybody around the globe Ernest, but going back to Shopping Saviours who have you helped. Tell me more.”
“What you need to understand Seymour is that you cannot rush something like this, you need to plan, think about others, consider their needs and make sure they are all attended to. If you can see behind me, I managed to go to several supermarkets and ensure that I have stocked-up on provisions of toilet roll, wet wipes, tinned tuna, pasta, hand sanitiser, tissue paper, paracetamol, more toilet roll, kitchen roll, Swiss roll and sprinkles.”
“Do you plan to deliver these items to those who are unable to leave their homes and are amongst the most vulnerable to this outbreak of disease Ernest?”
“Absolutely, once I have completed the podcasts and videos telling everybody about my service, the leaflets have been printed and I have composed the mail shots to send out. Oh and composed a song for people to use when they are washing their hands, it is called Washing My Hands Of All Of This, would you like me to play you a little of it?”
“I am sure it is very entertaining Ernest but we are short on time, thank you for joining us”
“Thank you Seymour, stay safe everybody, wash your hands of all of this (breaks into song and then the broadcast is ended)
“That is part two of Covid-19 Soundbites viewers, time for more unnecessary advertising apart from the excellent bargains to be add in The Knowledge Vault by applying code toiletpaper19 and after that we will return with more revelations as to how Planet Earth is dealing with coronavirus. Join us in part three when we speak to Cat Astrofy who was one of the first to go into self-isolation and Tera Nuwan who is leading the battle against Covid-19. Stay with us please until you sneeze!”
“Welcome back views to Covid-19 Soundbites on Channel 19 News, with me, Seymour Storees. In part two we were exposed to the working mum grounded by the virus and that Lower Mid-Range Narcissist certainly ensured that we knew all about her views about the current situation whilst doing her best to avoid her actual parental responsibilities. Thereafter, we hooked up by video link with Ernest Endeavour and his apparent unique and never thought of before Shopping Saviours as he worked hard on self-promotion behind his veneer of apparent rampant empathy. So, who do we have for you in part 3? We are live by video link with Cat Astrofy who did not want to tell us where she is, in case other people found out where she is and caused problems with her isolation routine.”
Number Seven : Middle Mid Range Type B
“Hello Cat, you are live on Channel 19 News, how are you dealing with the pandemic?”
“Hello Seymour. Well, as you no doubt can see I am sat in my communications hub and I must say I am pleased to hear from you as it is very lonely here and I am very concerned about my safety.”
“Why is that Cat?”
“Well, I knew that this was going to be a pandemic last March because I had been reading How To Know That You Know : The Cassandra Chronicles and I predicted that this virus would originate from Asia and sweep the globe. I had to go into therapy because of the shock of it all. I found this knowledge really overwhelming and it is just such a worry to know that everything I have ever done will shortly not matter.”
“Why do you think that, surely to think that way is to catastrophise? Yes, it is a serious matter, but it is not a doomsday scenario.”
(Cat begins to cry and reaches to a box of tissues to mop away the flood of tears)
“Sorry, sorry, please do not use the d word, I find it very triggering. I am just so worried, worried for my family. I had to leave them in their homes when I made my exit to this isolation spot. I am worried for my colleagues, I do not know if they will have any jobs when I return, if I return. The economy is in meltdown, everything is closing, there are not enough hospital beds. It is a truly terrible state of affairs.”
(The crying starts again.)
(Seymour tries to ask a question but is drowned out by a wailing noise erupting from Cat´s mouth.)
“Oh why has the universe done this to me? Why now? The world has always hated me and now I am forced into hiding, driven away from those that I love and care for. Exiled from my homeland and forced to take refuge in a far away land where I know nobody and nobody knows me. The imposition is so great , I am not sure I can go on. Perhaps it would be better to escape it all now, before that slow, lingering death from the unseen virus.”
(Another wail escapes from Cat´s mouth and then there is the electronic beep of a text message.)
“Its my friend she is letting me know that she is okay. My phone and my laptop are my lifeline, they are my only links to the outside world. I am updated every minute with regard to world events, I have an app which tells me how many infections there are worldwide, within this country, in the locality and the neighbourhood on a live basis. I have stockpiled and I want to make this clear, I did this way before anybody else started raising the shelves in the supermarkets. I am writing a blog explaining how I am managing in isolation and providing updates to all my followers on social media. I just want to say that I am humbled by the messages of support that people are sending me, you truly are all an inspiration and I just hope I do not let you down by succumbing to this terrible disease. You don’t understand how much of a burden it is, how crushing it is having this impending sense of misery and obliteration. Everything I have tried to achieve will be erased, removed and eradicated. It as if I have not existed, this is why it is important for me to stay in contact with as many people as I can. Anybody can contact me, especially if you are alone out there and you need somebody to talk to, to share tips with, to ease the burden of isolation, let’s see this through together you can find me on my blog Hidden Yet Visible or use one of my social media platforms, Cat´s Covert Covid.”
“You seem very pessimistic Cat, do you see this as the end of the world?”
(Cat starts to speak but then halts as if some overwhelming thought has engulfed her. She sobs and then puts her hands together as if in prayer)
“I think, if we all stick to our plans, we might, just might, make it through but the world will be a very different place for many, many people.”
“Well that sounds a little more encouraging, perhaps you do actually feel, after all that there is some glimmer of hope? How do you see the world after Covid-19?”
“Why are you asking me that, I haven’t read that chapter yet?!”
“Oh, I see, well, for the benefit of our viewers, perhaps you could share with us your thoughts on the future anyway, given that you apparently saw all of this coming, some months ago.”
(Cat gives a dramatic sigh and starts to speak when her “communications hub” suddenly floods with light as a door opens. A man enters and speaks.)
“Cat, your dinner is ready, I was shouting but I don’t think you could hear me since you have put all these egg boxes on the walls, why have you done that?”
“Daaaaaad! I told you not to come in, I am doing a very important interview and you have ruined it, just like you ruin everything and you have ruined my life.”
(Cat slumps onto her desk, shoulders heaving as the sound of manufactured misery escapes from her mouth. Her father comes over and puts a hand on her, peering into the camera, “Who are you talking to? Are you doing that prophesy nonsense again? What did I say about all of that, come on it is time for dinner, stop all of this sobbing it will get you nowhere.”
“Well, looks like Cat´s corona bunker has been invaded, but not by the virus but by Papa Astrofy. Let’s shift our focus and move to somebody who rather than er, hiding from the virus is right on the front-line . Joining me now, by live video link as she is unable to come away from her place of work to be interviewed in the studio, is Dr Tera Nuwan.
Number Eight : The Upper Mid Range Narcissist
“Dr Nuwan joins us from Santa Salvatore Hospital which is at the epicentre of the European outbreak. Dr Nuwan, thank you for giving us your time which is obviously at a premium, indeed we can see you are still dressed in your medical attire. How are things at the front line of combatting Covid-19?”
“Thank you for inviting me onto the programme, Seymour. As you can imagine, we are facing an unprecedented demand on our resources here at the hospital. Since the outbreak intensified here, we have had a steady influx of the most vulnerable patients who require immediate and intensive treatment. We are working around the clock. I have not been home for ten days, preferring to remain here at the hospital, working back to back shifts to ensure that everybody is treated as far as we are able.”
“I am sure that your patients and the residents of the city are most grateful for your dedication, Dr Nuwan. Do you think that more could have been done to contain the virus so you were not having to work to the extent that you are?”
“That is not for me to say. My role and that of my team is to deliver acute care. This is what we trained to do. I am proud of the commitment exhibited by my team and that of colleagues within the hospital. It is, naturally, a testing environment, but one in which those of us who are destined to be effective, are indeed effective. It is rewarding ensuring that the people who need us most are being looked after.”
“How does it feel, Dr Nuwan, knowing that you cannot save everybody?”
“That is not something I contemplate. Everybody who comes to me will be looked after to the highest standards.”
“Yes, but surely, given the level of demand and existing need for the hospitals resources, it is impossible for you to ensure that everybody survives.”
“It is inevitable that some of those who regrettably submit to the virus will not survive but that is not from a want of care or expertise. Many of these people will have, unfortunately, died from pre-existing and underlying conditions.”
“But over 2500 dead in your country, over 700 in your region. It must be disheartening to be faced with such losses when you are working flat out.”
(A just discernible shake of the head from Dr Nuwan at this question)
“Not disheartening, not at all, it only bolsters our resolve to do more. It is also worth pointing out, that within the official statistics, there are those who have died who have tested positive for the virus but they did not die because of the virus. They had an underlying condition which caused their demise and they also caught the virus. It is important to maintain a proper perspective on this and to present the information responsibly.”
“Are you suggesting, Dr Nuwan, that information then, is not being used in a responsible fashion?”
“That is not for me to say. I am a medic, I save lives, I will leave it to the politicians to decide how the information is presented, after all, I do not need votes to remain doing what I do.”
“Absolutely not, although if you did, I am sure you would obtain a landslide victory.”
“Not relevant as I said, Seymour. The only victory we are committed to is the one over Covid-19 and I will continue to lead my team here at this hospital to achieve that. Now, if you will excuse me, I have patients who require my help. Good day.”
(Dr Nuwan nods and walks briskly away from the camera)
“A busy and effective Dr Nuwan of Santa Salvatore Hospital, doing a superb job of treating those infected with Covid-19. That brings us to the conclusion of Part 3 of Covid-19 Soundbites, but whilst you have a few minutes to pick up some world class knowledge in The Knowledge Vault using code toiletpaper19 don’t go anywhere because when we return in Part 4, you will be hearing from the big hitters as we turn the dial to 11 and speak to some very famous and successful people and receive their thoughts and views about the pandemic. Stay with Channel 19 and keep those hands clean!”
“Hello and welcome to Part 4 of The Covid-19 Soundbites. I am your host, Seymour Storees. We experienced Cat in her supposed bunker of isolation which was readily penetrated by her father, so good luck keeping the virus out also and we also heard from the industrious and committed Dr Nuwan who was upto her gloved elbows in fighting the virus on the frontline in one of Europe’s hospitals where the virus has taken a firm hold but as we heard, Dr Nuwan is not one to give up. Go get that virus Dr Nuwan!”
“Now, we delve deeper into the views of those affected by the pandemic and in a number of recorded exclusives, we bring you exclusive interviews with the powerful and influential. To obtain this prime material, all you need to do is use this link and for a small fee of US $ 5, you will access fantastic information. I look forward to sharing it with you.”