Dear Mom,
Mother of 4. I never thought to question or judge your parenting when I was younger. I just figured you did the best you could with what you had. Until I became an adult and had children of my own and watched you hold your grandchildren. You were extremely uncomfortable and couldn’t wait to give them back to me. When I became pregnant with my first son, I couldn’t wait to get motherly advice from you. I thought it was something that we could bond about. But you adopted a dog at the same time as my pregnancy. And when I would tell you about things your first grandson did, you would turn the conversation to your dog and ignore talking about your grandchild. What’s funny is that in all the years growing up, you always seemed to hate animals. You always gave them away and told us it was because we couldn’t train them well enough. Even when we were too young to know how. One time I found a stray cat when I was about 11. I had a candy and lemonade stand to fund it’s food, litter box and litter. I even got flea spray. I hid the cat in my room for two weeks until you realized it was in there. You gave it away because you told me it had fleas.
You used to tell me people would pay for my hair color and dye your hair to match mine. You told me not many people had natural red curly hair. But then you would do weird things. Like constantly pull single strands of my hair out and tell me it was a grey hair. And you would tell me how my uncle went completely grey at age 20. Then you would tell me all the time that I had lice. And you would spend hours pulling my hair out with the lice comb. You would tell me that I couldn’t go to my friend’s house because you swore she was giving it to me. Her mom swore you were crazy.
I had crooked overcrowded teeth. I begged you for braces. My dad even said he would pay for them. But you would never get them. You told me I was lucky because you were born without two of your teeth. So I should be grateful. But the feeling when I was able to pay for them myself as an adult was a good feeling. And I smile so much more now.
After you divorced my alcoholic father, you decided to move us 1,000 miles away from him. So instead of enduring his abuse a couple nights a week with you in the same town. I would spend entire summers with him unsupervised. You really didn’t care about how his alcoholism affected us. You were and are still focused on how devestated you are at how he left you. To this day. And how you will always love him.
When we moved, you met the most awful human. And dated him. I was 14. He was a racist redneck. He wore wife beaters and had a beer belly. You both would drink and fight all night. You were so focused on him, you could care less about being a parent. You refused to teach me how to drive. You told me I wasn’t on your car insurance. I had my learners permit. Thankfully my older sister was there for me. Granted, I was her designated driver, driving her to the bar and sitting in the car until she finished, but I got my practice either way.
One time I drovey sister to a club. I wasn’t old enough to get in but I got in anyway. She was drunk and some guy gave her drugs. Ecstasy. I drove her home and she was throwing up all night. I was so worried she was going to die. I was up all night making sure she drank enough water and making sure she didn’t stop breathing. I had remembered watching 20/20 about how people died from dehydration after taking ecstasy. Then I remembered another 20/20 about how some people have water posing from drinking too much water after taking it. I was worried about both. She lived.
When I moved with my dad for the first summer at 14 I was so skinny. My dad would make comments about my weight all the time and I always tried to be skinnier. I was about 90 pounds but I’m only 5’1 so it wasn’t that alarming. I did a “Hollywood diet” fast where you only drink this bottle of juice for two days. I went out with my friends and proceeded to chug a bottle of vodka on an empty stomache. I ended up in the hospital with alcohol poisoning. My blood alcohol level was .39. The doctor said if I had drank any more I would have ended up in a coma. I was depressed and wanting to drink until I felt no more pain. You and my dad were more concerned about the hospital bill than about why I would do something like that. I felt so bad that my insurance only covered me in the state you lived in. I didn’t think about costing you money as I was chugging vodka to get rid of my pain. But did you not stop to think about maybe getting me some counseling? My son is almost 14. Money would be the last thing I would think about if that happened to him. I would be thanking god he was alive. I would be wondering what I could do to help him. I wouldn’t think about giving him another thing to feel sad and guilty about. After that, you painted me black. I was no longer your “golden child” who would do no wrong. You used to tell me “please don’t ever be like your older sisters”
You would never buy me clothes even though you had the money to do so. I wore the same pants multiple times in one week and I would trade pants during the week sometimes with my friends. I was happy when I could finally get a job and pay for my own clothes. Even though you insisted on letting me put my money in your bank account. I was trying to save for a car but you were constantly taking money from me and telling my sister I had money to borrow. I was in high school making $5 an hour at Pizza Hut. And y’all were adults. My oldest sister was about to have her car repossessed. I was a senior in high school. And you convinced me to take on this huge car payment and insurance on a car that she had wrecked so it was smashed in on one side, needed new brakes and wasn’t maintained. I had to pay the back taxes on it and back payments. Also had to get new brake pads, rotors and calipers. So I was working my butt off in high school to pay for this car that had $350 a month payments in 2002. I ended up not being able to keep up the payments and had to give it back to you. You both were upset with me. It was going to be repossessed anyway. Why would you be upset with me for just delaying that? At the time, I really thought you guys were looking out for me.
My dad sold the house his father left him and you both received half of the money. You sold the house you bought when i turned 18 and lived off of the money until it was gone while you didn’t work. Your mortgage was only $200 a month. And you were young. In your 40’s. You could have had a stable home for us to come visit you. But instead you drained your bank account and then cried about how your children won’t let you live with them. You had a huge dog who didn’t like children and I had a toddler. Not to mention I had no spare beds. You also drink vodka every night and would get belligerent. You found family to go live with but you still write passive aggressive posts on Facebook. Or you will call me drunk at 2am crying about how none of your children love you. That was until I learned that I am allowed to set boundaries. So you no longer call at 2am.
You never graduated high school. And when I became the first person to graduate high school in our family, you didn’t seem to care or think it was an accomplishment. When I graduated with my associate in occupational therapy and I found a job I loved to do, you seemed disinterested. I didn’t go to my graduation because I didn’t feel like I had anyone to go to it to celebrate with me. I wish I would have gone for myself.
I sometimes wish things were different. I hear friends and coworkers talk about their parents and how they are always doing things with their kids or watching them.
You never watched my children. Nor do you care to call or visit them. I can’t visit you because you live in an old trailer with dogs that don’t like kids. During Covid I asked you to watch my kids for a week. Both my husband and I work and you are retired. You don’t live that far from us. You didn’t want to but you decided to after I told you my husbands mom was coming the following week to help. And I was so desperate I began beggin you. I appreciated you waiting until I got home until you started drinking. You finished a handle of vodka in less than a week. You would get mad and belligerent. I started putting the vodka on top of the fridge so you would have to ask me for it because you couldn’t reach it. That gave me some comic relief In a fucked up situation. You told me my brain was fucked. I couldn’t imagine saying that to my child.
My husband has always said that he thought you were jealous of me. Which I thought was a strange thing for him to say. He said “Normally parents want their children to do better than they did. Your mom doesn’t seem to want that.”
I am beginning to wonder if he was right.
When we talk, if the conversation isn’t about you, you can’t wait to get off the phone. We talk for about 30 seconds before you give me an excuse as to why you can’t talk. I tried to talk to you about getting help for your drinking. But you don’t think it’s a problem. I don’t feel like you love me. I wish I could feel warmth and connection with you. You would never hug or kiss us because you told us you didn’t want us to get your germs. That is so fucking weird!!!! I wish you were loving and warm. You would always call me out for being sensitive growing up. You would say that all you had to do was give me a look if I was doing something wrong and I would start crying. I used to think being sensitive was a bad thing. But now I realize it was a normal response to an abnormal sad and fucked up childhood. I am trying to unlearn everything that was taught to me. I’m not mad at you. Your mom was the same way to you and maybe even a little worse. I’m not mad at you… It’s just hard to not wish things were different sometimes. Especially after getting to see various mothers over the years act completely different than you and give me such a warm feeling. And I look at them and think… this is the feeling I want to give my kids. I want to love them and make sure they know they are loved. Unconditionally. I know it won’t be easy sometimes. But kids have to know that they will always be loved. Unconditional love. Not unconditional tolerance. But unconditional love.