Knowing the Narcissist : Letter to the Narcissist No. 129

 

Heat a pan of water slowly enough and the victim will not know they are being boiled alive until it is too late. The heat becomes normal – until it is ramped up to an unbearable temperature.

 

Where did the charming man who promised to love and cherish me go? When did I stop doing anything which may cause conflict? When did I make it a mission to try to make you smile every day – to chase the darkness away? Where did the person (me) I know go?

 

You know, I thought your mum was the problem for a long time. You gave me the impression many of your breakups were caused by her. I suspect triangulation – even if she did screech down the phone – why could you not be happy just living with her and the dog? No question that in childhood you were a victim.

 

The times I know I should have walked away and did not (to name a few) =

 

When you picked me up so drunk you were swerving towards cars on the other side and I could not get out. A year later you blamed me for getting caught drunk driving and being charged – I was at work at the time.

 

Left you to keep an eye on my young teenage son while I popped to the shop and you walked out of the house ignoring him when he started throwing up and asked for a bowl.

 

The one time you were supposed to pick me up from work and made me walk the 2 hour journey at 2 am. Only to find you had locked me out of my own house by leaving the keys in the lock so I could not get in and ignored my plea. No apology even to this day.

 

Broke things and blamed others.

 

When you became outraged because your parents would not put their million-pound house in your name. eh??

 

I actually did walk away when you put poison down in the doorway where my puppy had to go in and out of. It did not escape my notice how many issues and vet visits your mum’s dog had when you moved back with her. The dog died not long after – could be my imagination – but cannot help suspecting it had something to do with you.

 

But this letter is not one of recrimination. I do not blame you. Any blame rests squarely with me. I allowed it. I let you tie me up in emotional knots. I ignored the strange responses = being married for 15 years and not dated – I told myself that I was just adjusting to a new person in my life. I felt adrift and clueless. I let you in.

 

True I did seek and enact my own form of vengeance at the end. So underhand that you had no idea = no reason for you to know. Yeah, I too can be manipulative. I was an emotional wreck and angry.

 

I thank you = recently sat near a guy who in one breath = said he was a marketing manager (used code) and in the next said he had no skills and was a loser. Perhaps you were more subtle – okay yes you were. Or my experiences with you made me question instantly.

 

Thank you = Realise I am very happily single and have not in the last many years even looked at a man with any romantic intent.