A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 5




I don’t want to believe you are a narcissist. Your behaviour had me looking up manipulation and empathy and brought me to descriptions of narcissism that sound so much like the things you say and the way you compose yourself. Still I don’t want to believe it. I like to think you have enjoyed me as a person rather than just as a means to an end. Asking if you are a narcissist wouldn’t bring any good result if it’s so, and would only upset you if you aren’t. The last thing I want to do is upset you in any way.

I feel both relief and stress in the thought that you might be a narcissist. It would explain a lot of things that confused me and I feel less like these things might be my fault. I tried my best, but I’m not able to be what you wanted from me and I need to protect myself. I’ve sensed for a while that being with you is dangerous, and you showed me ways that I could not trust you when I really needed to. Safety and trust are so important. It feels like the fears and worries became too much and a light switch in my mind turned off. I still admire you, you still have my respect. I no longer want to be intimate with you. Please don’t take this as a criticism, I mean no insult. I genuinely care about you. I’m in your corner and will be the truest friend to you if you’ll allow me. I wish positive fuel would be enough for you. We share interests and enjoy similar tastes in art, music, humour, and more. I like to think our interactions were enjoyable for us both when we were friends. Please, let friendship be enough and grant me immunity if you have a need for negative fuel. Please don’t be the way that I fear you are… let me remain your friend.

I will not ask you if you are a narcissist, because I don’t need to know. I already know that there is a chance that you are, but it isn’t a certain thing. I can educate myself on the subject – learning what to expect and how my reactions might be interpreted by you if you are – but I don’t need a confirmation of it being true. I just hope we can return to the friendship that we once enjoyed. You are the one in control of whether or not to allow our friendship, please don’t make me feel like I need to withdraw more to protect myself.

7 thoughts on “A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 5

  1. Violetta says:

    Whether you are hoping for a return to friendship after an attempt at a romantic relationship or trying to salvage a friendship that faced other hurdles, I think you do need to know whether this person is a narcissist.

    I had a Narc Frenemy own Jr high, and she damaged my confidence for decades after I’d ever seen her. Other people who tried to be friends with a Narc have reported stolen money, possessions, and boyfriends/girlfriends.

    Author Jenny Trout had a multipart narrative on Trout Nation called “The Worst Person I’ve Ever Met,” which was both horrifying and hilarious when I first read it, but in retrospect, is a chilling description of what happens when you let a Narc into your life, even on a non-intimate basis. I was shaking my head over some of things this “friend” did, like “No WAY, nobody’s that crazy,” but that was before I’d found narcsite. Now everything her so-called friend did, no matter how bizarre, fits a pattern

    Have you listened to HG’s recording “The Seven Truths About Narcissistic Friendships” yet? (https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=pnOj2m_FiGQ)
    If the individual you mention is highly Narcissistic but NOT a full narc, you might be able to salvage the relationship, but with a full narc, there is nothing you can do to help and a great deal the narc might to do to harm.

    1. Violetta says:

      Btw, Andre Leon Talley, who worked with Vogue‘s Anna (“Nuclear”) Wintour for years is releasing a memoir involving the following statements:

      André Leon Talley, former editor-at-large of Vogue, has revealed his friendship with Anna Wintour is over in his upcoming memoir The Chiffon Trenches
      The fashion editor, 70, writes he has ‘huge emotional and psychological scars’ from his decades long friendship with the magazine’s notoriously icy editor
      In a scorching passage he writes: ‘She is immune to anyone other than the powerful and famous people who populate the pages of Vogue’
      Talley spoke with Graydon Carter, the former editor of Vanity Fair, and discovered he wasn’t alone
      Carter supposedly said: ‘One day she treats me like a good friend and the next, she treats me as if she had handed over her keys to an unknown parking valet’
      In an extended rant, Talley writes: ‘Today, I would love for her to say something human and sincere to me. I have huge emotional and psychological scars from my relationship with this towering and influential woman’
      He adds: ‘I wonder, when she goes home alone at night, is she miserable? Does she feel alone?’ before calling her ‘ruthless’

      The article, titled “EXCLUSIVE: ‘She’s not capable of simple human kindness.’ Ex Vogue editor André Leon Talley rips into Anna Wintour, revealing how their decades-long friendship ended because he was ‘too old, overweight and uncool'” is on Daily Mail.

      I’m willing to bet she’s a full narc, not just Narcissistic, but I’ll let HG make the final call, if he hasn’t already. In either case, it shows what such “friendships” can do.

  2. Gina says:

    Don’t mean to be a buzz kill here. I was in this place years ago, and it only served to continue pulling me back in, things only got worse year after year. If you think your SO is a narcissist, chances are you are correct. But even if you are not, they are treating you badly enough that you are searching for answers. Do you really want to continue to live like that?

  3. karmicoverload says:

    Yes, the never being 100% sure is the killer.

  4. Kristin says:

    This letter perfectly describes how I feel in a beautiful way. I love how the pain is expressed without bitterness. I will save this letter and refer back to it as the thoughts resonate with me and put into words what I could not.

    Such an amazing series HG, please keep the letters coming!

  5. Kim e says:

    WOW. I was there. Still using the word hope. Found out there is none. Good luck MH. The hurt is not over but the light at the end of the tunnel is getting brighter

  6. Marcela says:

    I could have written this one. So sad.

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