Ladies and gentlemen, good and decent people, people just like me only less so, I have come to deliver a message to you. I am here to save you. That’s right. I have been sent by God almighty to save you, save this country and make you both great again. I am on a mission. I am on a quest. I was chosen by the only power higher than myself to seize the destiny of this once great country of ours and turn it around. For too long this country has been in the grip of the do-gooders, the liberals and the pinkos. They want to see the values which this country is known world-wide for, crushed and obliterated. I will no longer allow that to happen. When I am in power I will root out those who have opposed us and I shall see that they account for their treasonable activities. They hide behind the right to free speech but listen to me ladies and gentlemen, I say they forfeited that right to free speech when they promoted the destruction of the values that you and I hold dear. I know that all of you gathered here today, who have come to listen to me, have done so because you believe in me. You need me to guide you through the danger and to the promised land and believe me ladies and gentlemen, I am the only one who can do that. Nobody else has the presence of mind, focussed ambition, singularity of purpose and the indefatigable spirit to do what others shirk from. Others may talk of hard decisions to be made and the risks of trampling on the less fortunate in a rush to secure victory. They say this to promote fear amongst you because they want to control you with fear. They want to make you scared so that you will adhere to what they require. They want you nervous and weak so you will submit. Not I. I have no need to instil fear in you good people in order to have you believe in me. You believe in me because I love you. I love you and all the things you value and hold dear because I value them too. I want what you want. I am what you want. I was sent to save you from the forces of darkness that lurk at our borders and have begun to infiltrate this once great land of ours. Do not be concerned ladies and gentlemen because together we will defeat them. When I am in power, anybody that speaks out against me and our nation will be removed. Yes, you heard me right. We will send them back. They may have come here with good intentions but where are those good intentions now? Exactly. Their mealy-mouthed pronouncements have turned to dust and instead they have the audacity to speak ill of you and I. We do not need these people in our nation. They serve no purpose and we shall cast them aside and discard them like the wrapper on a Twinkie. They have made themselves disposable and dispose of them we shall. I shall be ruthless. There will be no pussyfooting around. No delays. No dilatory approach. I will root out these traitors, these betrayers of our largesse, these abusers of our hospitality and generosity and I shall send them back where they came from. Back to insignifighan and the people’s republic of meaningless. We do not need them and we will not tolerate them. And yes, ladies and gentlemen, if they think they can come back I will stop them. I will build a huge wall along our border and they will not cross it. Even better, I will make them pay for it so your money is used for me and not them. Only I have the determination and ability to deliver because I am more than them. I am better than them.
Where these foul interlopers seek to disrupt our way of life, I call on your good people to cut them down. The time for tolerance has gone. They lost that right when they let us down. They lost that right when they criticised us. This is not the time for indecision. This is the time for you and I to work together and repel these people. I will tell you who they are. I will organise a campaign so that the foul characters of these individuals will be assassinated and we shall bring them down. I need you to do this for me, for you and for our country. Do not be concerned with the repercussions as I will cover your costs of taking such action on my behalf and in my name. I will direct you and stand with you as we drive out the lefties, the namby-pamby types and the woolly liberals. There is no place for them in our new order. Do not be concerned either with the other candidates who tell such brazen lies about me. They are governed by envy, by jealousy and by blind hatred. I will trump them. I will rise above them because they wish, deep down, they could be me. They envy my sense of purpose, my ability to speak to all right-minded people and gain their trust. I love you. I truly do and I will always protect you, act in your interests and ensure that you do not come to harm.
I know what needs to be done. I have been sent by God to walk amongst you and be your god, guiding you ever onwards as we strive with goodness in our hearts and wisdom in our minds to do the right thing. Some people think that doing the right thing is a hard thing to do. Nonsense! I do the right thing all the time because I am special and talented. It takes someone of my ability to achieve what is best for you and our country, but I will do it. All I ask from you is your commitment to our cause, your undivided loyalty and your appreciation and admiration for what I will do for you when I rule this country. Place your trust and your belief in me ladies and gentlemen. I am the answer. Vote for me as your ruler, Vote Narc and I will make the United States of Me mean something again to the rest of the world.