You? Me? Them?



Once upon a time. The Princess and the Pea. Prince Charming. Snow White. Pretty Woman. Barbie and Ken. The Waltons. Hug you from behind. Breakfast in bed. Picking you up in the rain. Glimpsing you from a train and running after you. The Fabulous Baker Boys. Roman Holiday. Bouquets. Surrounded by your loving family as you pass away. Snow at Christmas. Remembered birthdays. The Little House on the Prairie. Beauty and the Beast. A Room With a View. City breaks. Walking in the foam. Holding hands. Growing old together. Gone With the Wind. The white knight. Crazy For You. The Passion. Spooning in bed. Monogamy. Rosanna. Love Me Tender. Truly Madly Deeply. A candlelit bath. The Best. Gift on the pillow. Save the Best For Last. Impromptu lunch. Dancing cheek to cheek. Someday my prince will come. Red roses. White roses. Opening doors. Up Where We Belong. Romeo and Juliet. Holding your hair. You’re the First, My Last, My Everything. Writing ‘I Love You’ in the steamed up mirror. Endless Love. I Think I Love You. Dedicating a song on the radio. Father Figure. The Power of Love. Fairytale wedding. Carved initials on a tree inside a heart. Giving you the last Rolo. Love conquers all. Love will save the day. Love’s young dream. Love is a many splendored thing. Writing poems. Love notes in a lunch box. A message in the sand. Till death do us part. Together forever. Bright young things. Never Tear Us Apart. Soulmate. Other half. My Heart Will Go On. Bridget Jones’ Diary. I’ll Stand By You. Children. A Whole New World. Paris in the spring time. Lazing in a hammock together. A log cabin by the lake. The Notebook. The Spider man kiss. Notting Hill. Rose and Jack. Letting you sleep in. Bella and Edward. Latika and Jamal. Dirty Dancing. Leading the dancing. Remembering anniversaries. In sickness and in health. When Harry Met Sally. Synchronised orgasms. Sex in the morning. Sex in the evening. Still having sex after all these years. Fidelity. Eyes only for you. An Officer and a Gentleman. Isla and Rick. Letting you first. Knowing you hate spiders. Viola and William. Stardust. Walking in the snow together. Walking through leaves together. Edward Scissorhands. Just the Way You Are. My Girl. Annie’s Song. Matching tattoos. Wearing a wedding band. I Will Always Love You. When a Man Loves a Woman. I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing. Love is blind. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. The perfect match. Our love is predestined. It was written in the stars above. Love at first sight. Mr/Mrs Right, “My one and only,” “man/woman of my dreams,” “match made in heaven,” “love of my life,” “my true love,” “made for each,” “my perfect match,” “I met the love of my life,” “I knew this was the one.”  “We were meant for each other.” “instant connection,” “clicked right away,” “chemistry at first sight,” “hit it off right away,” “experienced immediate attraction,” “instant rapport,” “completely hit it off,” “it was magical,” “you put a spell on me” . Love is a river that drowns the tender reed. The perfect house. The country idyll. Home is where the heart is. Wuthering Heights. Jayne Eyre. Twilight. The Hunger Games. Gabriel’s Inferno. Water for Elephants. Warming the bed first. Investigating a bump in the night. Holding you during a storm. Never being taken for granted. Perfection. Having it all. The Happy Ever After.

False promises and unrealistic ideals created by them.

A gateway to the false promised land, to the unrealistic ideal life offered and exploited by us.

Resorting to self-destructive and addictive behaviours in order to compensate for these failings and disappointments by becoming entangled with us again and again and again. That’s you.

Who is to blame?


23 thoughts on “You? Me? Them?”

  1. Its better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all love makes the world go round. I’m just a woman in love and I’ll do anything to get you into my arms
    You can be a cynic all you want your a narc but I’ll never give up on love till the day I take my last breath.not everyone is a narc .I can love someone without them loving me back.I can love for a day a week or a month or ten years.each experience is beautiful and the reason we are put on earth.I will never ever stop loving people nor will I ever stop falling in love.never ain’t happening.

    1. It is better to have loved and been devalued, trampled on, stripped of your dignity, leeched from, smeared, isolated, assaulted, had your children turned against you, lost your job, had a breakdown and lost.
      Of course it is.

      By all means love. But use your logic in who you choose.

  2. How timely is this!
    I didn’t block him. We’ve texted, and the honest things he’s said are… well, brutally honest. I’ve only been an FWB all along (even though joined at the hip for a year) and he says we can apologize for this two week episode by boinking. I honestly considered the benefits of NSA sex, no cuddling, kissing, sweet nothings, no commitment, keeping my (potential) options open, too.

    Seems like a lot of trouble for a couple orgasms, not to mention being utterly demeaning. ahhhhh… nope, can’t do it. but i thought about it 🙂

    1. It is better to have loved and been devalued, trampled on, stripped of your dignity, leeched from, smeared, isolated, assaulted, had your children turned against you, lost your job, had a breakdown and lost.
      Of course it is.

      By all means love. But use your logic in who you choose.

      ^All day that. ✔️✔️✔️

  3. You, the narcissist, are still to blame for the way you behave. Period. Seriously, you’re trying to make us look like we’re to blame?

    1. Lori,

      Sometimes we need to step back and see what it is that makes us susceptible to manipulation. It doesn’t mean they’re less at fault or that you’re more at fault. It means that you could learn from it so that history is less likely to repeat itself. I understand it’s hard to do when you’re hurting.

      1. Sophia,

        I understand what you are saying. I Have stepped back and have learned alot about myself and why I would put up with the things I did with my exN, and I learned about my own background and my own personality as a co-dependent (Mom was a narc) … and honestly, I HAVE taken my share of responsibility… of course I would as the empath that I am. But to me, it appears that HG is continually still trying to make us feel like we need to question if we’re to blame ( as in the case of what he wrote above). All of us here on this blog have taken our share of the blame, in fact, More than our share. But there are times when I feel like some of ‘Us’ on this site aren’t looking at what HG is doing by way of getting his share of fuel via a bit of our brain washing through his muses and writings. And don’t get me wrong – I am an HG fan! I am extremely thankful he is sharing his knowledge and is helping so many people, definitely myself included. And I read his blogs every day because I learn so much and I enjoy his occasional humor. I just want to point out, in my perspective, from time to time that I see him subtly manipulating his fans here. Let’s not forget that our “God” HG is still a narcissist, no matter what. And hopefully you’ll smile when I tell you that I have had a couple of recent other situations of seeing the red flags and immediately NOT allowing history to repeat itself for me. I walked away, whereas before knowing what I know now I might not have walked away.
        ~ love to you, Sophia. I appreciate your thoughts and concerns.

    2. Lori,

      We are just as culpable as the Narc after choosing to engage with or continue the Narc relationship. Once we identify the Narc and learn his modus operandi, we are then willing participants in our own abuse. You cannot control a Narcissist or minimize his harm to yourself or others. You can only effectively avoid him through No Contact.

      I’m learning this through my own personal experience with my Narc.

  4. Ah. Chingona,

    That decision was a good one.Have you met B.O.B. yet? He can be very helpful making you forget that FWB.(F**kW*dB*****d).
    Do NC and you will be living up to your name!
    Hope you don’t mind the humor.


  5. We’re all to blame. Them, you, me. Since the only person I can take responsibility for is me I’ll be wiser with my choices in the future. Still, I’d rather be me any given day, not going about hurting people, destroying souls for my viscous ego boost.

  6. It’s still the same old story
    A fight for love and glory
    A case of do or die.
    The world will always welcome lovers
    As time goes by.

    I think it is Ilsa and Rick, HG (not Isla and Rick).

    I once heard someone say that romantic comedies are female pornography. I agree with that statement. And, I do enjoy to watch some female porn once in a while.

  7. When all these romantic cliches are strung together like this, they sound far-fetched and unrealistic, however, when romance occurs honestly and with good intentions, it is useful and welcome in smaller doses. When the motive can be trusted, a romantic gesture makes life sweeter and softens the routine and mundane aspects of everyday life.

    Imagine if all we had to look forward to were takeaway dinners and never the option of dinner in a romantic setting with a beautiful view, candlelight and wine… or if sex was porn-like without any affection or tenderness. There is definitely a place for romance and it is not always hopelessly idealistic or far removed from reality.

    The narcissist KNOWS that love and romance is charged with wishful thinking and vulnerable emotions and mercilessly uses it to target and seduce a victim who DOES NOT KNOW what the narcissist’s agenda truly is. How can an unknowing victim be held accountable for believing in love and romance when the narcissist intentionally and ruthlessly intends to deceive and manipulate?

    Blaming the victim for blindly believing in a “false promised land” is yet another way to deny, deflect and avoid accountability.

    As for “them”, it would help if there were more books and films that openly portrayed narcissistic behaviour so that the reality of what they do became better understood and recognised. Perhaps that would help to reduce the numbers of unsuspecting victims and make romance more realistic.

  8. That is the issue… Is it so important to know who to blame ?

    What he did will never be forgotten. I had already distanced myself from him. And was “no pity” talking to him. Only factual and polite since several months.

    So a last rage. I didn’t react, I knew it was the missing piece. I came here and spent a lot of time reading. I have understood. Everything written in this blog happened word for word, situation for situation. But I have also understood that I had always knew what was going on. Always. Each time I had the choice to say no. To stop it. I didn’t.

    I had lost my logical mind. I was only an emotionball. A giant egotic emotionball. Because of who? Doesn’t matter. It was yesterday.

    I have grown a lot with this experience, I have found me back.

    He is different, he is so strange. But I feel affection for him. And now for me also. He has come back, like ever. He wants my attention. I feel affection for him and I will go on giving him. Even softly.

    Cause I have found my limits and he will go on finding them to.
    Cause I am in peace now.

    Thank you so much.

  9. Oh come off it!! You make me laugh, HG. You think one wouldn’t recognise your projection? Self-destructive and addictive behaviours are the ones your kind display. You are a slave to the fuel, and that would be just sad if it weren’t also a little bit amusing! The folks of your kind are simple; you operate at a lower level of consciousness, which has undoubtedly served you well through the course of history. However it seems to be the case that the times, they are a-changing. Look at yourself, giving us all this knowledge for free!? Do you not realise that all this knowledge is being used to heal and grow? Do you not realise that we will keep using it as ammunition to dismantle your world and build a Narc-free future ? You are a vital pawn in the game being played to raise human consciousnesses to a higher, more functional level. Bu doing what you do, you are contributing to the extinction of your kind.
    No one’s to blame, HG. We are Ying and Yang. We are battling each other. May the best triumph.


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