So, I noticed that you posted an article on writing a letter to your narcissist. This seemed like the perfect opportunity to get out my angry monologue on my ex-narc since stabbing is illegal. I originally started writing one to him but I decided to write one to you instead as you’ve recently been quite an influence on my personal life and recovery for these past four to six months. Seems more relevant.
You see, the letter kind of evolved into talking to you about Trumps miraculous hair. So, I figured, fuck it, this would work just fine and you’ll see why. Bear with me.
I started interacting on your blog many months ago and even had a small consultation with you. I’m not sure if you remember but you answered a lot of questions for me as I had quite an extensive past with narcissists and narcissistic abuse. (I seem attracted heavily to them and the fighting/mind games is some of the overly addictive qualities about it to me.) You were quite patient and I sat to attention.
Anyway, the truth is, when I found your blogs and videos I dove in head first. Not only has reading your posts kept me lucid, but they had more than one effect on me.
During my diligent, albeit painful reading, (my eyes almost bled) my life changed and I even fell into obsession with you. But through this experience I came to an understanding of what plagued me my entire life. (Therapy coming soon I’m sure. Do I get to hit a couch and scream at my mom and beg for daddy to come home?)
There was a point I even sent you an email under a different alias that was very personal and was produced wholeheartedly in obsession with you. I’m admitting to you that I took a trip down the rabbit hole and let it happen, fully, and I needed it more than you realize. (Honesty, what I need more of in my life please.)
My first love was a narcissist. To top it off I grew up in a very abusive household with a narcissistic mother and golden child brother. Religious abuse abounded. That shit stays with you. The Devil’s Toolkit answered a lot of questions that haunted me for decades about his behaviour and my familial upbringing. I already knew they were fucking bastards I cared about that ruined my life, but you showed me the whole picture.
I won’t go too far into a history lesson here, this is after all a letter to you and should be short like you asked.
My original basis for love was built around this kind of dynamic. It’s tempting, addictive, and I’ve attracted narcs to my life more than once, and even have some traits myself. To me, you are far too tempting. (You have laser eyes of seduction I’d wager.) But reading your words was and has been the fire I needed lit under my ass to realize the illusion I’d placed on myself about love. The truth stings but I needed it so much. After a lifetime of denial, wandering, destructive behaviours and a marriage that’s falling off a cliff very very slowly: I learned a lot about my own repeating cycles and also my strengths. Time has proven that I’m a survivor and a fighter. I don’t give up easily, but I suppose there are times for that as well. This was an arena I needed to step in to see my own lies and the way I closed my heart off to feeling anything. There is only so much denial, spanking and wandering around the world can do for the heart.
HG, your words piss me off but also enlighten me. They make me laugh and make me seethe. Yet it turned my heart back on and taught me how to feel again. By turning that obsession around from my ex-narc into the truth from you, I was able to confront him after all this time instead of playing games with him two decades later. He fucked off, go figures. Was probably barking up the wrong tree for honesty, am I right? You restored my shattered lifeline and gave me the chance to recover what I’d lost decades ago; me.
I’m under no illusion as to what I need to do to keep finding myself and you were the catalyst I needed to burn everything I believed about myself into flames. In the past six months I’ve learned to cry again, laugh, dance, get angry, be happy, be open, and recover the strength and boundaries taken from my heart. (Instead of wandering around in a labyrinth of mind fuck, even if I love it sometimes.) Seeing your capability to admit and share has encouraged and inspired me to do what I need to do for myself for once. It ripped apart everything inside of me, especially after speaking directly and feeling the shadow around your own heart. My god the pain. There is more to it but I think you get what I’m saying and now I’m over word count. Maybe talking about Trump would’ve been shorter?
You are a sick son of a bitch and I fucking care about what happens to you, you bastard. To me you’ll always be the narc that cured my silent heart. Take that how you want. I wonder if I should have told him I love you but fuck off?