A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 75

 

KDB LETTER

So, I noticed that you posted an article on writing a letter to your narcissist. This seemed like the perfect opportunity to get out my angry monologue on my ex-narc since stabbing is illegal. I originally started writing one to him but I decided to write one to you instead as you’ve recently been quite an influence on my personal life and recovery for these past four to six months. Seems more relevant.

You see, the letter kind of evolved into talking to you about Trumps miraculous hair. So, I figured, fuck it, this would work just fine and you’ll see why. Bear with me.

I started interacting on your blog many months ago and even had a small consultation with you. I’m not sure if you remember but you answered a lot of questions for me as I had quite an extensive past with narcissists and narcissistic abuse. (I seem attracted heavily to them and the fighting/mind games is some of the overly addictive qualities about it to me.) You were quite patient and I sat to attention.

Anyway, the truth is, when I found your blogs and videos I dove in head first. Not only has reading your posts kept me lucid, but they had more than one effect on me.

During my diligent, albeit painful reading, (my eyes almost bled) my life changed and I even fell into obsession with you. But through this experience I came to an understanding of what plagued me my entire life. (Therapy coming soon I’m sure. Do I get to hit a couch and scream at my mom and beg for daddy to come home?)

There was a point I even sent you an email under a different alias that was very personal and was produced wholeheartedly in obsession with you. I’m admitting to you that I took a trip down the rabbit hole and let it happen, fully, and I needed it more than you realize. (Honesty, what I need more of in my life please.)

My first love was a narcissist. To top it off I grew up in a very abusive household with a narcissistic mother and golden child brother. Religious abuse abounded. That shit stays with you. The Devil’s Toolkit answered a lot of questions that haunted me for decades about his behaviour and my familial upbringing. I already knew they were fucking bastards I cared about that ruined my life, but you showed me the whole picture.

I won’t go too far into a history lesson here, this is after all a letter to you and should be short like you asked.

My original basis for love was built around this kind of dynamic. It’s tempting, addictive, and I’ve attracted narcs to my life more than once, and even have some traits myself. To me, you are far too tempting. (You have laser eyes of seduction I’d wager.) But reading your words was and has been the fire I needed lit under my ass to realize the illusion I’d placed on myself about love. The truth stings but I needed it so much. After a lifetime of denial, wandering, destructive behaviours and a marriage that’s falling off a cliff very very slowly: I learned a lot about my own repeating cycles and also my strengths. Time has proven that I’m a survivor and a fighter. I don’t give up easily, but I suppose there are times for that as well. This was an arena I needed to step in to see my own lies and the way I closed my heart off to feeling anything. There is only so much denial, spanking and wandering around the world can do for the heart.

HG, your words piss me off but also enlighten me. They make me laugh and make me seethe. Yet it turned my heart back on and taught me how to feel again. By turning that obsession around from my ex-narc into the truth from you, I was able to confront him after all this time instead of playing games with him two decades later. He fucked off, go figures. Was probably barking up the wrong tree for honesty, am I right? You restored my shattered lifeline and gave me the chance to recover what I’d lost decades ago; me.

I’m under no illusion as to what I need to do to keep finding myself and you were the catalyst I needed to burn everything I believed about myself into flames. In the past six months I’ve learned to cry again, laugh, dance, get angry, be happy, be open, and recover the strength and boundaries taken from my heart. (Instead of wandering around in a labyrinth of mind fuck, even if I love it sometimes.) Seeing your capability to admit and share has encouraged and inspired me to do what I need to do for myself for once. It ripped apart everything inside of me, especially after speaking directly and feeling the shadow around your own heart. My god the pain. There is more to it but I think you get what I’m saying and now I’m over word count. Maybe talking about Trump would’ve been shorter?

You are a sick son of a bitch and I fucking care about what happens to you, you bastard. To me you’ll always be the narc that cured my silent heart. Take that how you want. I wonder if I should have told him I love you but fuck off?

Later and keep writing.
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203 Comments

  1. It is easy to tell SM is tall I commented on her feet on instagram
    Nothing wrong with her feet by the way but I could tell she is bigger in the foot size hence tall
    I’ve spent years studying feet due to ballet it almost foot fetish for arches and banana feet as we call them .there are 2 hour workouts for feet alone that must be adhered to to develop this look
    Not that my feet are nice their fucked up big time from dance hate wearing sandals nowadays

    Kiki

  2. Yes, I’m nearly always learning something new. Oh, I see so they argue with you because their experiences in their view do not align with the literature that you’re putting forth. Perhaps they find it threatening that your writings challenge their inherent uniqueness and self-proclaimed superiority. If they all act as you say, I suppose that is a big loss to their control if you are providing detailed outlines of their patterns of behavior.

    1. No, they argue with me because when I point out that they are wrong I am wounding them (in some instances Challenge Fuel but I try to avoid that) and therefore this makes them feel as if they do not have control. They instinctively then have to argue with me (or slope off as that is another way of asserting control). Unfortunately for them, their do not have the intellect, self-control or awareness to do so and therefore their attempts to exert control fail, show them for what they are and make them look inept for instance :-
      1. Resorting to an ad hominem attack because they have nothing upstairs to even try to generate a coherent response;
      2. Talking in broad and amorphous terms because they cannot point to any evidence to support what they are stating as it does not exist, or if they do try to raise some evidence it is invalid or nonsensical;
      3. Deflecting by failing to address points advanced to them and responding on a different basis altogether.
      It has been seen numerous times and serves as a series of useful case studies to enable readers to advance their learning and understanding.

      1. HG
        They all seem to be mid range as well, it sort of reminds me of middle child syndrome. I understand why Greaters would not come on here, but why do we not see lower narcissists?

        1. Greaters have no need to be here and anybody coming here and claiming they are a Greater, is a Mid Range Narcissist.
          Most who come here are Mid Range – why? They think they are empathic people who are victims of narcissists. They also have a higher cognitive function compared to Lessers and therefore are more likely to access this intelligent written material.
          Occasionally Lesser have appeared here. They are less likely to appear because they do not see themselves as empathic not as a victim of a narcissist and therefore narcissism as a subject is far less likely to appear on their radar.

          1. I think that was the point I was missing about Mid Range, they honestly do think they are victims and especially for myself being a care giver I get sucked in every time. Thanks HG.

          2. I’m thinking a few “empathic people” could be actual narcissists because they truly believe they are good people and conversations align as such on the blog. I’m curious—I’m telling you, a few women I work with could come on here and be so insightful, have a great empath result because you go by what they say.. I’m just curious. The passive aggressive shit I’m aware of.. Yet it’s not blatant here or elsewhere for often long time periods..

      2. Thanks for clarifying, HG. Wow, here I am hoping that I’m wrong much of the time because if I’m right, it’s not just me that’s in trouble.How do you think they are finding you? Are they targeting experts on narcissism solely, or do think that they know you IRL? Again, lol sorry curious like a cat over here.

          1. HG have you written anything to help us identify the differences between MRNs and actual victims of narcissists?

            A lot of us probably run a pretty significant risk of getting caught up by this. It’s how I ended up a white knight DEMB

  3. Great letter.

    I am kind of in between understanding the infatuation thing. I’d be interested in a full article on how/why you believe readers become infatuated with you HG.

    1. Some are narcissists and they are seeking to control me.
      Some are victims whose emotional thinking is trigger sensitive and they plunge into infatuation owing to their inherent addiction.

      1. I’ll send you a dirty picture of my toe that lost its toenail under a grocery cart wheel! It’s really hot!

          1. It is the big toe! It hurt really bad and it’s still not right. I was going to have a colleague remove the remaining piece just a little while ago but I chickened out.

          2. Get a grip. Sort yourself out. Get some backbone. Get some balls. Shape up.

          3. You know PSE, put your big girl panties on! I don’t blame you at all Lorelei. Loose teeth and loose toenails give me the skeeves too!

          4. The biggest toe is not necessarily the best of the toes. Also, rather than ‘grip up’, I prefer PUSSY UP because balls are and always have been lacking in strength and integrity.

          5. Feel free to say’pussy up’. Nobody will understand what you are referring to. If you were looking for a direct substitution you ought to have written ‘Grow some pussies’ but again that won’t work. You see the problem you have is the recognised phrase is ‘don’t be a pussy.’ Oh dear.

          6. lolol I guess. I can’t compete with ignorance.
            Pussies are freakishly strong, whichever way you would like to refer to it. It’s a failure in logic and understanding of human anatomy to tell someone to not to be a pussy and liken that to cowardice.

          7. Absolutely. Anything that has the strength to push out a live human like a champagne cork is definitely not weak!

            I think what the saying “don’t be a pussy” means is “don’t be girl”. But “don’t be a dick” has a totally different meaning. It doesn’t correlate. I’m not sure why I’m using my attention units on this!

          8. I can’t even look at a vagina without being fairly grossed out because I look at so many yucky ones.

          9. Dearest HG: I have heard: Grow a pair of Ovaries. Does that work?

          10. Ha ha, indeed it does, although doesn’t that result in a bloody mess on a regular basis?

          11. Only if one has a uterus as well as ovaries. Not bragging or anything ladies, but bloody free is a great place to be! (After you’re done with pushing out live humans of course.)

          12. Not if you have an IUD. Although, it’s a worthless asset at the current time!

          13. Dearest HG: I am absolutely stunned…..a moment of silence please…. I know for a fact, that I have NEVER received a HG Tudor: Haha. I will quietly take a little break right now and enjoy this awesome occurrence, quietly, and without any further distractions and diversions. This one’s for me. Cheers! wow.

          14. I can’t reply below—Wordpress drives me nuts. My balls are in order. Podiatry is going to have to remove it and I’ll have to whine inwardly because I can dish it out and then can’t take it when I’m the patient. I also have patellofemoral pain and I can’t hike (up hills) until it’s rehabilitated so I’m ready to cry. I also shrunk an inch for sure. Fuck.

          15. I’m sick of reading how you ruin everyone’s birthday! Just read another birthday story you posted. I hope you are behaving these days and I’m an Oompa Loompa yes. My BMI just shot through the roof because I’ve shrunk. That is the only reason I’m upset about it and then I see “Oompa Loompa” and I was already feeling this way.

          16. I look sick at the right BMI weight to be honest. But it still upsets me.

          17. Lorelei
            Podiatry is going to remove your balls? And who complains about not being able to hike UP hills? I see nothing that Hagen Dazs and Nutella can’t fix. Pull yourself together woman!

          18. I’m literally in tears NA. I hike all the time. I was supposed to go on a 4 mile night hike tonight (a metro park thing) and it’s very hilly and I can’t do it. It’s been getting worse. My toe is ugly and screws up summer feet. Now it needs removed. (Just the nail—totally ugly) They told me (swore to me) I’m 5’8” not 5’9”—this is the onset old old age. I’m shrinking. I need PT. I am fit to be tied but my whining shall cease now except I have sun damage on my forehead I never had until this year. My boobs look like a National Geographic photo op and my feet look fat in sandals.

          19. Since you’re 5’ 8” you’re above average height. Don’t wear sandals – nothing good comes of sandals.

          20. Must be a narc thing! I’ve heard it before. “Those aren’t the style I like.”

          21. You wear heels HG. Screw that unless it’s a special event. I used to sleep with a guy who had a heel fetish and he was such a narcissist and wanted heels on during sex. I was like whatever floats your boat—it wasn’t the worst thing to do but if someone asked for that now I’d do it without a bra just to punish them. Stupid fucks.

          22. I don’t know what your view looks like of our stuff/gravatar. It is indeed now your punishment though. I have to walk around this way and be publicly ridiculed and now I’m short which raises my BMI so be traumatized. Soon I won’t even have a stub left to polish.

          23. Lorelei, I thought wearing heels during sex was just a fantasy type thing. In reality, it seems it would be a bit awkward. I can see wearing them standing up or bent over. But actually IN bed? Is that a thing? Educate me.

          24. Oh my.. This is slightly embarrassing but it’s an over 20 year old story so the statute of limitations on my behavior has expired. I was 22. My roommate worked as a bartender in the strip club scene. Joe was a bouncer, huge good looking Purdue drop out. He had a great sense of humor and was a brief boyfriend. I loved being treated like a princess—who doesn’t? I even danced one night for him because I was young and did things I’d beat my daughters for doing. (I also had sex on the pool table after closing one night lol) He bought me a pair of black heels. He told me why he bought them. It wasn’t honestly a big deal—he did like light bondage though but nothing ridiculous. He always left the bondage shit on his bed though and his roommate (Mark) was like wtf! Mark and I are still friends! Embarrassing. I let him tie me up a few times—whatever. The heels weren’t clumsy at all. He wasn’t really that vigorous in bed so they weren’t getting knocked off. He was more dynamic in his mind. He cheated on me with Rachel—a bona fide stripper. I didn’t really care—she was drop dead gorgeous and could dance to Frank Sinatra like a coy classy whore. I’d have slept with her. The true end was when I was doing lines of cocaine with a stripper’s boyfriend. He hated drugs. He wanted a whore (drug free) in bed. Whatever. I loved cocaine and was introduced to it by a narcissist boyfriend I had on the side (mutual dirty secrets) and it was just a stage where I was doing stupid stuff. Sex games with cocaine was crazy hot though. Ultimately, the moral of the story—heels don’t fall off when you are tied down! Would I do this stuff now? NO.

          25. This sounds like film noir! And for some strange reason, I think of that Rachel and imagine Jessica Rabbit.

          26. Yes! Rachel was a narcissist. She was simply drop dead beautiful. Saw her some years after that—she wouldn’t acknowledge me. My quest next is to message Mark’s wife (he’s not on Facebook) and find out Rachel’s last known last name. I’ll have a photo by tomorrow if I’m lucky. She became a nurse eventually and worked in a different health system thank goodness.

          27. Lorelei, “slightly embarrassing”. Good Lord woman! No judgement. Sounds like you had tons of fun. Maybe this is some of the stuff I missed by being betrothed at 16. I have had sex on a pool table multiple times though. So there is that. I’ve never gone anywhere near drugs. I’m afraid I would like them and get hooked. AW had a thing for shiny black heels. I bought a pair and he received many pics to his delight. (I’m a well functioning, compliant appliance.) I was never with him IRL. Hopefully, it’s not necessary information now since I’m NC and likely to die never having the experience of being with another man. But naive as I am, I wouldn’t want to make a fool of myself if it ever did happen. Thank you for the info. You are much more worldly than I!

          28. It was all dumb MB. I was looking to fill a void of my own. Fun? Not really and he sucked at sex anyway! Never tried drugs other than this short time frame thankfully. (Tried Ecstasy once with the cocaine sex narc but it’s just basically a stimulant as well.)
            Stupid dangerous behavior. I have wine glasses Joe’s mother gave me. She was a class act—he was the douche bag of the family. I was a pretty messed up young woman at that age. Many reasons for this of course. Well I’m still a mess but I have insights and maturity now!

          29. Thank you for sharing Lorelei. Makes me feel a little better about missing out. The grass really isn’t always greener. Why is it the human condition to want the opposite of what we have? I just want to be content with no want. I do feel myself moving in that direction the older I get. I’m hoping it will continue to improve with age.

          30. Yeah the grass wasn’t green, it was fun at times but it was dumb really.

          31. I’ve never done anything apart from smoking weed and hash, and involuntarily eating a bunch of “spiced” cookies at a party. I didn’t know! They were looking at me like “Eat me! Eat me!” And I went all Alice in Wonderland and ate a bunch, they tasted like butter and something weird but they were tasty. My husband (then boyfriend) got alarmed when he knew how many I had eaten. That night at home was the most surreal experience I ever had. Time stopped and things were happening in slow motion, like cinema shots. And my synesthesia got super enhanced, they were showing a concert by Enya on TV and I saw the whole rainbow moving around in the living room. But I didn’t feel good, I felt quite sick actually.

          32. Ugh—I wouldn’t touch any of it now! I like Enya—haven’t thought of her in years.

          33. I’ve always liked her but every time I hear Orinoco Flow now I see my living room in rainbow colors, like a Pride parade.

          34. How funny. I hate pot and I only did the other stuff like less than 10 times. It was a very brief period of nonsense. How ridiculous!

          35. “Heels MB, always heels.”

            I thought this wasn’t a fashion blog.

          36. Ah, I see.

            But I understand that the SM wore flats? (I ‘heard’ but haven’t seen for myself on IG) Does that mean that control doesn’t apply in the new dynamic?

          37. Lorelei, The Shieldmaiden wears them too. Did you see them on IG? She doesn’t need the wedges of course because she is tall. But sandals nonetheless and I’ll bet he loves them! Hell, he’s probably even bought some for her.

          38. MB—I’ve trotted around with my toe throbbing all evening! This happened awhile ago—it’s just that it’s painful now. I am a crippled shrinking shriveled up saggy boobed tired mess. 💕

          39. Lorelei, that looks at yucky vaginas all day!

            I’m sorry your toe hurts. We’ve gotten quite a bit of comedic mileage out of it, but anybody that’s had any type of foot pain knows it’s no laughing matter.

            Hang in there, wear your sandals, see the podiatrist and invest in a good bra. All will be well in the world of Lorelei again soon. You’ll be hiking up those hills before you know it!

          40. MB—you know.. I’m on a roll. No disrespect to my colleagues but this is why my primary care doctor is a MD. The NP friend/co-worker really should never have offered to remove the nail. It’s a clear cut podiatry issue. The knee? We wrote is off as arthritis a few weeks ago. My friend (the MD) knew enough to know he had to look this up—he has a more extensive knowledge base and did some research so I then saw my actual doctor. Nurses can overstep not knowing what they don’t know if not careful or being overly confident when they are in the role of a prescriber. MD’s have the epitome of education so generally are more reliable. I’m great for general knowledge and know what I don’t know—and can function more effectively in crisis (better than a primary care doctor because of the hands on practice) but overall—see the doctor ok!

          41. I just stated the obvious / I didn’t mention wedges / when if not in the summer would one wear sandals? Ok no more sandal conversation.

          42. Pretty sure I saw the Shieldmaiden wear Sandals in that picture you posted?

          43. Lorelei, I’m sure you look bloody gorgeous.

            But here’s a strategy I use since learning about Ns, particularly the somatics of the world. Most of them think they’re totally hot when they’re not in the slightest but we find them attractive in how they conduct themselves and therefore perceive them to be more attractive than they really are.

            So if I’m not liking how I look one day, I just think to myself, how would an N be perceiving themselves right now if they were me. Yup, they’d beleive they were hot. And so I conduct myself as if I am and everyone believes it. Then I do too Hahahah

            It’s like having the power of an N, without being an N!

            Give it a whirl

          44. Nice and thought provoking Alexis. He was way hot though! Like super do-able.

          45. MB, she seems to like bright nail polish on her fingernails and it looked like they might be gel, so she would probably go for something complementary on her toes, though not necessarily the same colour.
            As for shoes, not a fan of wedges personally, but if Kate Middleton wears them all the time, I am not above that. You can wear flats anytime you like. My last boyfriend was 6’3 and I am 5’4. He liked both heels or flats so I don’t think it has to do with height. When we went hiking I would just offer to climb on a tree for him so he wouldn’t have to crane his neck. Maybe I could have just jumped from one tree to another while I was up there, would have been much more fun than just walking on the track.

          46. That’s good advice, Alexis. I’m hating this sandal conversation. I’m going to go wear whatever I want and pretend I’m a narc. I.e. be ridiculous.

      2. HG, Narcissists are seeking to control you? What are they trying to get you to do? I’m guessing it’s not fun control like making you compulsively bake a homemade pizza pie every evening for dinner, or sing a little ditty every morning out of your bedroom window. All joking aside, I didn’t realize that narcissists attempt to deal with other narcissists or control them or whatever unless they had to.