A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 75

 

KDB LETTER

So, I noticed that you posted an article on writing a letter to your narcissist. This seemed like the perfect opportunity to get out my angry monologue on my ex-narc since stabbing is illegal. I originally started writing one to him but I decided to write one to you instead as you’ve recently been quite an influence on my personal life and recovery for these past four to six months. Seems more relevant.

You see, the letter kind of evolved into talking to you about Trumps miraculous hair. So, I figured, fuck it, this would work just fine and you’ll see why. Bear with me.

I started interacting on your blog many months ago and even had a small consultation with you. I’m not sure if you remember but you answered a lot of questions for me as I had quite an extensive past with narcissists and narcissistic abuse. (I seem attracted heavily to them and the fighting/mind games is some of the overly addictive qualities about it to me.) You were quite patient and I sat to attention.

Anyway, the truth is, when I found your blogs and videos I dove in head first. Not only has reading your posts kept me lucid, but they had more than one effect on me.

During my diligent, albeit painful reading, (my eyes almost bled) my life changed and I even fell into obsession with you. But through this experience I came to an understanding of what plagued me my entire life. (Therapy coming soon I’m sure. Do I get to hit a couch and scream at my mom and beg for daddy to come home?)

There was a point I even sent you an email under a different alias that was very personal and was produced wholeheartedly in obsession with you. I’m admitting to you that I took a trip down the rabbit hole and let it happen, fully, and I needed it more than you realize. (Honesty, what I need more of in my life please.)

My first love was a narcissist. To top it off I grew up in a very abusive household with a narcissistic mother and golden child brother. Religious abuse abounded. That shit stays with you. The Devil’s Toolkit answered a lot of questions that haunted me for decades about his behaviour and my familial upbringing. I already knew they were fucking bastards I cared about that ruined my life, but you showed me the whole picture.

I won’t go too far into a history lesson here, this is after all a letter to you and should be short like you asked.

My original basis for love was built around this kind of dynamic. It’s tempting, addictive, and I’ve attracted narcs to my life more than once, and even have some traits myself. To me, you are far too tempting. (You have laser eyes of seduction I’d wager.) But reading your words was and has been the fire I needed lit under my ass to realize the illusion I’d placed on myself about love. The truth stings but I needed it so much. After a lifetime of denial, wandering, destructive behaviours and a marriage that’s falling off a cliff very very slowly: I learned a lot about my own repeating cycles and also my strengths. Time has proven that I’m a survivor and a fighter. I don’t give up easily, but I suppose there are times for that as well. This was an arena I needed to step in to see my own lies and the way I closed my heart off to feeling anything. There is only so much denial, spanking and wandering around the world can do for the heart.

HG, your words piss me off but also enlighten me. They make me laugh and make me seethe. Yet it turned my heart back on and taught me how to feel again. By turning that obsession around from my ex-narc into the truth from you, I was able to confront him after all this time instead of playing games with him two decades later. He fucked off, go figures. Was probably barking up the wrong tree for honesty, am I right? You restored my shattered lifeline and gave me the chance to recover what I’d lost decades ago; me.

I’m under no illusion as to what I need to do to keep finding myself and you were the catalyst I needed to burn everything I believed about myself into flames. In the past six months I’ve learned to cry again, laugh, dance, get angry, be happy, be open, and recover the strength and boundaries taken from my heart. (Instead of wandering around in a labyrinth of mind fuck, even if I love it sometimes.) Seeing your capability to admit and share has encouraged and inspired me to do what I need to do for myself for once. It ripped apart everything inside of me, especially after speaking directly and feeling the shadow around your own heart. My god the pain. There is more to it but I think you get what I’m saying and now I’m over word count. Maybe talking about Trump would’ve been shorter?

You are a sick son of a bitch and I fucking care about what happens to you, you bastard. To me you’ll always be the narc that cured my silent heart. Take that how you want. I wonder if I should have told him I love you but fuck off?

Later and keep writing.

24 thoughts on “A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 75

  1. 12345 says:

    This picture is creepy as fuck. Well done.

    I know when I found HG I was desperate for honesty from the narcs in my life. HG manifests that for me. All the narcs FINALLY coming clean. Finally telling me that it wasn’t about me. None of it was or is about me. It’s not about me being crazy, pretty, thin, fat, fun, smart, old or young. Nothing I could turn myself into for them will ever be enough.

    There may be pain in that realization but more than pain there is freedom! There’s nothing to earn anymore.

    I can see being obsessed with HG for that gift but I think I have a very healthy fear of him as well. He’s a shapeshifter and has the skill of reading hearts and minds. If targeted by HG, he would suck my soul out and leave the shell of my body in a heap on the ground. But HG also provided me with the truth and, for that, I love him.

    But mostly, I’m afraid of him. He could squash me like a bug in a hot minute and I know that.

    Sorry for talking about you like you’re not here, HG, but you’re not really really here.

  2. narc affair says:

    Hi kdb…your letter was very thought provoking. It made me think about the stages ive gone thru while being on the blog and reading all thats been shared. Theres been many stages ive morphed thru and at the end is the realization were all people. Narcs and victims are people going thru their own life journeys and coping in different ways.
    You pointed out that HG has admitted much on here which has helped many victims admit in turn to themselves truths that were covered up much like a narc may cover up their own truths.
    Its a very healing process to go thru the stages as long as one doesnt get stuck and stop progressing. Its so easy to get stuck wanting answers, or being obsessed with the highs and lows, wanting to be sympathetic to why a narc is how they are …ive been thru all of these. At the end of the day its about you and your future. Being free to live it and the knowledge definitely is a key in that freedom and being truthful to yourself is another. Knowing why were attracted to toxicity and where it stems from.
    It sounds like youve come a long ways. Be true to you and whats best for you. …By the way trumps hair looks ridiculous 😂 i meant toupee…😄

  3. Nuit Étoilée says:

    Thank you for your letter, KDB. I find in it an immense sense of relief that I’m not the only one who developed an obsession for HG.

    I identify w many of your experiences as well and I applaud your determination to grow yourself and I wish you all the strength and courage for that journey.

    I find my feelings toward HG confusing.. like any narc dynamic.. it doesn’t make sense..

    I transferred my obsession w my narc to him, became aware of this & am now exploring why anyone would ever be attracted to such deception and hurt..

    There is something, perhaps, about the hurt.. but I am no longer a child and therefore I am not under any delusion that one person can change another…

    ..but I still choose love, I know it can heal – even if it is just me.. but there is no harm that will come from loving. (as long as we protect ourselves).
    We need it. All of us. I send out my love freely and wish everyone the healing that comes through love. Including you, HG.

    And of course I add my thanks too, HG – the understanding that you offer through honestly stating your perspective is more than we get in many relationships actually. Let that be a lesson to us that perhaps we’d all be better off if we were honest – and be prepared for the intimacy that can come from **knowing someone.. we need that too..

    As for me, I’ve said it – I love you, HG.
    You bastard. 😉

    1. Ugotit says:

      That was beautifully written and I agree with everything u said 100 percent

  4. PureSoul says:

    WOW

    this is showing the reapeated perververted cycle of loving and thriving to be abused by these demons incarnated.

    I know it very well.

    My delusion even goes above and beyond delusion, as, with myself, i’m using the delusion that i will “save” him from his evil self.

    1. narc affair says:

      Hi puresoul so true your post!

  5. Bibi says:

    Knowing all this info I feel has given me superpowers. Now I feel more confident to stand by how someone makes me feel, and that if they are acting out this toxic crap then that is on them, not me.

    I still seem to attract them though. Sensitive people in their minds are easy prey so I manage by not giving them any fuel.

    And I still enjoy telling people that I get most of my advice on interpersonal skills from a narcissist sociopath. The looks they give me are great. Haha!

    Thank you, HG.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome Bibi.

  6. Loucifer says:

    The gluteal muscles are nice but the horns and tail are not very sexy. 😉

    HG, a strange question for you. Have you noticed if there are changes in your need for fuel when seasons change? Do you need more fuel during the transition between one season and another? Or there is no influence whatsoever of the weather on your need for fuel?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      The weather has no influence.

      1. Loucifer says:

        OK. Thanks HG.

  7. Jasmine says:

    Brilliant! Love it ❤

  8. nikitalondon says:

    THE best place to learn and straighten out your life.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Amen to that sister!

      1. nikitalondon says:

        Namaste bro!

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Ha ha.

  9. blackunicorn123 says:

    I really like this letter, and it’s honesty, particularly about substituting the real life Narc with you. Coming off an addiction sometimes results in replacing it with a different one..especially one that you think is making you better! Well, it’s true for me anyway.
    Blurred lines!

    Who chose the image for this letter? The letter is about you, but did you choose it? I’m just curious!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I chose it.

      1. Donna says:

        Fantastic! Speaks a thousand words…

        1. blackunicorn123 says:

          Indeed!

  10. JenniferJ says:

    Thank you KDB, this is a wonderful letter. It resonated with me very much. I can relate to your feelings because I also have a strong love/hate attitude towards HG.

    I completely loathe what he and his kind do, and I know too well how harmful and agonising the effects of their actions are. At the same time, HG has, more than any other “expert” on narcissism, made the subject tangible for me and his practical help to overcome it is relatable, “real”, and down-to-earth. For that, I am very grateful to him.

    Before discovering HG, I was floundering in the emotional sea and It felt like I was all alone. There were lighthouses on the shore and I could sometimes touch a lifeboat in the dark for a moment, but it was too hard to grasp anything solid enough to get out of the water. HG’s thorough and detailed descriptions and effective advice became a life-jacket that helped me navigate myself to safety.

    Finally, like you, now I can return to my real “self” too, and “cure my silent heart”. Thanks to HG, I am now both proud and wary of my own empathic traits. With logic and self-control, I am mindful of when and how I use them.

    Thanks again for your letter and thanks to HG as well.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

  11. Jess says:

    This is a great letter. HG’s voice has helped me through the toughest and most confusing moments of my life. There is no way to remain disillusioned. It’s enraging and validating at the same time. A strong reminder to stay away. Staying away is the only safe choice. I can’t imagine where I’d be without this inside perspective. No deny and deflect…. a true gift. Everyone should know these things. It’s is easy to obsess about HG. I want to be in touch…but I am afraid. I’d like to submit letters it would probably help me with the closure I never received. Thank you for what you do. I’m embarrassed to admit how often I listen to you, but my emotional thinking needs to be kept in check.

  12. Ugotit says:

    Don’t feel bad I’ve emailed him twice myself but the first time was to ask about the rules of the blog the second time was to clarify something written on the blog that was concerning and alarming to me. I think we fall in lovecwith narcissists as a form of self punishment hoping we can be the one to make them love but at the same time knowing we can’t. I’ve planned to leave mine three times and couldn’t first he said he was losing his business and I couldn’t do it 4 days ago I plannedcto leave him and he told me his sister has cancer today I planned to leave him then he sends me two pictures of him looking so sexy I started drooling I swear they have a sixth sense. I relatecto your letter my sister was the golden child. I became addicted to my narc also although I don’t believe I’m addicted or obsessed with hg as you say you are probably not the healthiest replacement lol goodvluck to u

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