Dear husband,
I’m writing this for myself and my girls because frankly the emotion of which I’m about to speak about is way over your head.
13 years. 13 years of intense devotion. 13 years of constantly lifting you up, trying to understand how and why you could hurt us in such sick and twisted ways. How you would sit there and smirk when you got us to cry or scream in frustration. How you would get turned on when I felt broken.
I always wondered why the things you said you loved about me where the very things you tried to stomp out of me. You’d criticize me, in front of people it was insidious, a look here a ridiculous smug smirk letting me know you thought anything I said was stupid. Or even just plain ignoring the girls and I altogether, speaking and laughing with everyone else and whenever we’d try to engage in the conversation you’d fall quiet and watch as we were hurt and humiliated.
When I would try to explain to you how hurtful your actions towards us was you’d always reply pathetically with “what exactly did I do”? That’s always your go to line. The abuse is constant and hard to always articulate and you know this.
You’re too happy for it to look like we just misunderstood you or the situation or that we are too needy. Yes we did need. I needed a husband who didn’t abuse me. Who didn’t steal my most precious and beautiful qualities for himself. My girls needed a father who loved them. Laughed with them. Played with them. A father who wouldn’t abuse and hurt them for sheer pleasure.
You know, I hear a lot about how the narc always wins and how victims run in fear from your kind. Afraid to ignite your fury and slink away into the shadows to wonder when or if your coming for us.
For some perhaps they may feel like that’s the best option for them, but for us, we will not hide from you. The reason for such a statement is simple. We haven’t done anything wrong. Yes I know to you and your fragile ego you have to believe otherwise, but reality check: you’re pathetic.
We’ve already won. We’ve won because We have the ability to genuinely love. We have the ability to tell the truth and treat others with kindness and respect. We value things, like the sunshine on our face simple things.
We’ve won because you couldn’t fully break us. We will heal and move on without a glance in your direction. The big bad scary narcissist, all powerful? Ha. You’re paranoid and constantly looking over your shoulder to make sure your lies and mistresses haven’t been discovered.
Always afraid secretly that the mask will come tumbling down. That everyone will find out exactly how sick and all around disturbed and abusive you are. You’ll bring about your own downfall because you can’t accept the fact that you’ve met your match.
I won’t hide from a parasite like you. I won’t hide I won’t even acknowledge you. Silence. Ah your favourite tool of punishment right? But who’s ignoring who? When I leave the house do I ever say goodbye to you? When you speak do I ever really acknowledge your words anymore? No I don’t because I don’t care. Your words are nothing but lies and your presence is so underwhelming.
Seeing you for the cockroach you are is a win in of itself. So that’s it that’s all, ta ta. I’ll leave you to whatever it is that you do, the girls and I have a beautiful life to go ahead and live. I would say “goodbye ” but I’m sorry I didn’t even realize you were in the room.