A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 43


Dear husband,

I’m writing this for myself and my girls because frankly the emotion of which I’m about to speak about is way over your head.

13 years. 13 years of intense devotion. 13 years of constantly lifting you up, trying to understand how and why you could hurt us in such sick and twisted ways. How you would sit there and smirk when you got us to cry or scream in frustration. How you would get turned on when I felt broken.

I always wondered why the things you said you loved about me where the very things you tried to stomp out of me. You’d criticize me, in front of people it was insidious, a look here a ridiculous smug smirk letting me know you thought anything I said was stupid. Or even just plain ignoring the girls and I altogether, speaking and laughing with everyone else and whenever we’d try to engage in the conversation you’d fall quiet and watch as we were hurt and humiliated.

When I would try to explain to you how hurtful your actions towards us was you’d always reply pathetically with “what exactly did I do”? That’s always your go to line. The abuse is constant and hard to always articulate and you know this.

You’re too happy for it to look like we just misunderstood you or the situation or that we are too needy. Yes we did need. I needed a husband who didn’t abuse me. Who didn’t steal my most precious and beautiful qualities for himself. My girls needed a father who loved them. Laughed with them. Played with them. A father who wouldn’t abuse and hurt them for sheer pleasure.

You know, I hear a lot about how the narc always wins and how victims run in fear from your kind. Afraid to ignite your fury and slink away into the shadows to wonder when or if your coming for us.

For some perhaps they may feel like that’s the best option for them, but for us, we will not hide from you. The reason for such a statement is simple. We haven’t done anything wrong. Yes I know to you and your fragile ego you have to believe otherwise, but reality check: you’re pathetic.

We’ve already won. We’ve won because  We have the ability to genuinely love. We have the ability to tell the truth and treat others with kindness and respect. We value things, like the sunshine on our face simple things.

We’ve won because you couldn’t fully break us. We will heal and move on without a glance in your direction.  The big bad scary narcissist, all powerful? Ha. You’re paranoid and constantly looking over your shoulder to make sure your lies and mistresses haven’t been discovered.

Always afraid secretly that the mask will come tumbling down. That everyone will find out exactly how sick and all around disturbed and abusive you are. You’ll bring about your own downfall because you can’t accept the fact that you’ve met your match.

I won’t hide from a parasite like you. I won’t hide I won’t even acknowledge you. Silence. Ah your favourite tool of punishment right? But who’s ignoring who? When I leave the house do I ever say goodbye to you? When you speak do I ever really acknowledge your words anymore? No I don’t because I don’t care. Your words are nothing but lies and your presence is so underwhelming.

Seeing you for the cockroach you are is a win in of itself. So that’s it that’s all, ta ta. I’ll leave you to whatever it is that you do, the girls and I have a beautiful life to go ahead and live. I would say “goodbye ” but I’m sorry I didn’t even realize you were in the room.

7 thoughts on “A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 43

  1. Joanne says:

    Your daughters will never forget this act of strength and courage!

  2. KellyD says:

    “How you would sit there and smirk when you got us to cry or scream in frustration.” Perfect example. Sick.
    Great that you got to the point of not feeling his presence in the room. That’s where they take us to. First we can’t live without them, then we can’t survive with them. Thankfully your girls have you to show them what real love and empathy is. You won.

  3. Debs says:

    Hi all

    I am going through this dilemma now of whether to let his new supply know of just what he is like.

    After my ridiculous breaking no contact last week and the steps back in my recovery from doing so I know exposing him to her is not a good thing. 1 she won’t believe it, 2 he will have already smeared me to all and sundry. This I already know. Apparently I was the cheater not him that’s why he had to leave me ahem discard me like a piece of rubbish, but part of me wants to tell her. Maybe it’s that good person in me that’s wanting to do this, that side of me that only wants to look after people, the side of me that only ever sees the good in anyone and wants to protect others from hurt.

    I really don’t know what it is. Maybe part of it is wanting revenge on him, give him the consequences of his horrendous behaviour that he tried so hard to run from because he couldn’t face the shame he was feeling – his words not mine. However I feel nothing for him, no anger, no hate, I don’t miss him, I don’t love him, I don’t want him yet somehow he is always there still taking up space rent free in my thoughts without me been consciously thinking about him.

    God it’s so messed up after being involved with a narcissist. I’ve never experienced this from a break up before it’s bonkers!

    I still want to expose him to her and fighting this feeling is overwhelming. Part of me is afraid too as she will show him my message, what will he do? He’s threatened to kill me once before, he’s gone in to many rages where I felt he may hit me but he never did he only ever hit his own face or punched a wall. After he discarded me before I knew what I was actually dealing with he stalked me. Part of exposing him to her terrifies me because I really truly deep down do not know how he will react and that scares the hell out of me.

    HG is this normal to feel this way even 8 months after discard? To want to expose to stop his new supply from going through what I went through? Is it normal to be afraid of doing so and is it best just leaving it be and letting nature take its course and let her find out for herself when eventually his mask slips and devaluation begins?

    I am in a quandary!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Yes, such feelings are being driven by your emotional thinking which wants to cause you to feed your addiction to the narcissist. Your emotional thinking is highjacking your empathic traits of compassion and justice, of truthseeker and wanting to fix and heal, in order to cause you to try to help the new victim and thus enter the arena and world of the narcissist once again. This will result in engagement, increasing your emotional thinking further, feeding your addiction, risking providing fuel to the narcissist and an adverse response from the narcissist. It has to be resisted. I suggest you organise a consultation with me and I will help you.

      1. Debs says:

        Hi HG

        I am organising this with you soon. I will be having a week off work end of June beginning of July and will be booking a consultation. I haven’t contacted her and I my thoughts I’d written down of what to say have remained unsent. My ET is in overdrive right now and I can see that and I wish it would just stop. Some days good and I’m ok and I get through those days and the rest are sheer hell and it is all consuming and I don’t understand why. Thank you for your reply here apologies I posted it in the wrong place it was meant to go in the exposing the narcissist post but I was in the middle of a long training walk and wasn’t paying attention. Probably down to the ET rather than the training walk haha!

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Noted, I look forward to assisting you.

          1. Debs says:

            Thank you HG. Likewise

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