A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 43


Dear husband,

I’m writing this for myself and my girls because frankly the emotion of which I’m about to speak about is way over your head.

13 years. 13 years of intense devotion. 13 years of constantly lifting you up, trying to understand how and why you could hurt us in such sick and twisted ways. How you would sit there and smirk when you got us to cry or scream in frustration. How you would get turned on when I felt broken.

I always wondered why the things you said you loved about me where the very things you tried to stomp out of me. You’d criticize me, in front of people it was insidious, a look here a ridiculous smug smirk letting me know you thought anything I said was stupid. Or even just plain ignoring the girls and I altogether, speaking and laughing with everyone else and whenever we’d try to engage in the conversation you’d fall quiet and watch as we were hurt and humiliated.

When I would try to explain to you how hurtful your actions towards us was you’d always reply pathetically with “what exactly did I do”? That’s always your go to line. The abuse is constant and hard to always articulate and you know this.

You’re too happy for it to look like we just misunderstood you or the situation or that we are too needy. Yes we did need. I needed a husband who didn’t abuse me. Who didn’t steal my most precious and beautiful qualities for himself. My girls needed a father who loved them. Laughed with them. Played with them. A father who wouldn’t abuse and hurt them for sheer pleasure.

You know, I hear a lot about how the narc always wins and how victims run in fear from your kind. Afraid to ignite your fury and slink away into the shadows to wonder when or if your coming for us.

For some perhaps they may feel like that’s the best option for them, but for us, we will not hide from you. The reason for such a statement is simple. We haven’t done anything wrong. Yes I know to you and your fragile ego you have to believe otherwise, but reality check: you’re pathetic.

We’ve already won. We’ve won because  We have the ability to genuinely love. We have the ability to tell the truth and treat others with kindness and respect. We value things, like the sunshine on our face simple things.

We’ve won because you couldn’t fully break us. We will heal and move on without a glance in your direction.  The big bad scary narcissist, all powerful? Ha. You’re paranoid and constantly looking over your shoulder to make sure your lies and mistresses haven’t been discovered.

Always afraid secretly that the mask will come tumbling down. That everyone will find out exactly how sick and all around disturbed and abusive you are. You’ll bring about your own downfall because you can’t accept the fact that you’ve met your match.

I won’t hide from a parasite like you. I won’t hide I won’t even acknowledge you. Silence. Ah your favourite tool of punishment right? But who’s ignoring who? When I leave the house do I ever say goodbye to you? When you speak do I ever really acknowledge your words anymore? No I don’t because I don’t care. Your words are nothing but lies and your presence is so underwhelming.

Seeing you for the cockroach you are is a win in of itself. So that’s it that’s all, ta ta. I’ll leave you to whatever it is that you do, the girls and I have a beautiful life to go ahead and live. I would say “goodbye ” but I’m sorry I didn’t even realize you were in the room.

11 thoughts on “A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 43

  1. Mercy says:

    You nailed it when you said the abuse is hard to articulate. Unnatural, Contaminated, mind f*ck? It’s just so wrong . How do you apply simple words to what they do? It’s especially hard to explain to someone else. That’s why I don’t bother. Here’s an example of a convo with a friend .

    Me: I haven’t heard from N in 2 hours.

    Friend: So, I haven’t heard from my husband since this morning. He’s working

    Me: Oh I know N is probably working too but I haven’t heard from him because he wants me to wonder why I haven’t heard from him…

    Friend: huh?

  2. CHRISTINE Behler says:

    Mr. Tutor, Have a question …. By texting or saying I love you over and over again to a greater narcissist/sociopath/psychopath after the lovebombing stage how does this make your kind feel? Does it sicken you to where you run and hide? He has mentioned several times he hates himself, does bad things and believes he has a devil living inside him. Do I really love him? Yes! He is the phantom with the mask who lives in the underground. I have noticed the more I share with him the I love yous the more distant he becomes. Is this the master key to keeping your kind at a distant? Please share your thoughts and feeling. Thank you Sir! -Christine

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It depends on precisely where you sit in the fuel matrix and also where you are in the dynamic. You stated after the lovebombing stage – this might be the embedded position or devaluation or respite for an IPPS. It might be on the shelf or off the shelf for the IPSS, either painted white or black.

    2. NarcAngel says:

      That is so needy I would think it would make anyone run and hide.

      1. Caroline says:

        LOL, you would *think*, “NA (my personal “YodaAngel”)…

        I could never do that, because it’s not me… and I would feel so turned off if a guy behaved like that with me… but some do like this kind of treatment, ’tis true.

        The narcissist I was with was often like: “Excuse me, hello! I could use some attention here, please focus on me for just a minute!”… but he’s also the type to run 100 miles away from a woman who is needy. It would totally annoy him.

        So I have no answers… only problem people I can bring forth, ha. 😉

      2. CHRISTINE B says:

        Haha!!!! My thoughts exactly!!! It’s working like a charm. My secret weapon!!! Kill them with I love yous!! I have made it all about ME!!! And boy does he run! Winning!!! I know what he is thanks to Mr. Tutor and have learned from the best of the best. Being an empath I can tell you the last thing on earth I want in my heart is hate. So I’m winning by overwhelming him with I Love Yous when he makes contact only to keep him AWAY! Tell me what I’m doing here Mr. Tutor? I feel happy, free and so alive by simply saying I Love You over and over to him. Ha!
        Ps… I forgive him and pray Jesus Christ blesses him with His Mercy and Grace! No room in my heart for hate.
        God bless you Mr. Tutor!!!! God Bless You! -Christine

    3. W says:

      After reading this comment , does thinking how rediculous it is , mean my ET is in check HG? 😂
      Sorry CB- but it’s not romantic, it’s not mysterious, it’s not a fairytale, he’s not a magic man, you’re not in an opera….it’s a ONE SIDED FANTASY existing inYOUR HEAD only. You’re being used. That’s it. One day you’ll see this and feel kinda like a grownup,feels when they realize how silly they sounded as teenagers, speaking loudly on the bus.

      1. HG Tudor says:

        On one piece of information alone I could not say, but it indicates that it is coming under control, yes.

  3. Lisa says:

    Oh god I loved this letter!! Well done Protector!

  4. Ting says:


  5. Meredith Hudson says:

    Very nicely said. As we all realize, there are variations on the themes, but no real originality, even in the abuse. “When I would try to explain to you how hurtful your actions towards us was you’d always reply pathetically with “what exactly did I do”? That’s always your go to line. The abuse is constant and hard to always articulate and you know this.” Mine would say “If you look through a prism, at a certain angle, anything can be interpreted to look bad.” Until the day I realized that for 25 years I had been looking at him and our relationship through the prism he’d supplied me, one that made me believe he was a good man who loved me and wanted the best for me. I gave him a kaleidoscope and told him how you make one- you take a prism and put a whole bunch of rose-colored glass in front of it. I then told him he could keep it- I have no more use for it. The false narrative that we all fell for.

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