C,
How many times did say “ I don’t have a play book for you”. “ How can you expect me to play by the rules without knowing the rules?”
Well I found the rule book. Much too late and after so much irreparable damage had already been done. It was written by someone who actually knows your rules. One of your brethren.
The first rule is……….that there are no rules! So no matter what path I choose, I will always fail you.
The second rule is that you will always hurt me, repeatedly, even if you don’t want to, you always will. And it will ultimately kill me if I stay because you don’t know when to stop my punishment and I don’t ever want to be without you.
The third rule is that I belong to you until you or I die. I almost did die at your hands, by your emotional abuse, financial extortion, mind fucking, future faking, triangulation of me with countless other women, the gaslighting and all around confusion that causes the crazy making, your weaponization of sex, your weaponization of your dog, your complete lack of empathy, your total lack of boundary recognition, your awe inspiring lack of guilt, and compassion, your absolute selfishness and astonishingly massive sense of self entitlement…… and……I have too many souls that depend on me, and need me alive, to die for you. And I tried twice to die for you and some higher power saved me.
The fourth rule is that no matter how much love I pour into you, I can’t fix you. This was the toughest rule for me to swallow. You don’t want to be fixed because you like how you are. And because you like how you function, you will never seek the years of help you will need to understand how you tear the souls out of those closest to you. Then discard them because they no longer function for you and can no longer meet your never ending needs because you have systematically destroyed their self esteem, self worth and their souls —so they must be discarded and replaced by a new model. That model only to end up like all the rest of us…….mentally destabilized, drunk as much as possible, unable to get out of bed and utterly useless. You will never acknowledge that you have a personality that literally destroys and kills those closest to you. This is why you have never had a successful long term relationship. This is why every girl will fail you. Some after 2 dates. Some after 2 years. But they will all fail you. It is written as such in the play book.
This play book, written by one of your kind, has much more knowledge to impart to me. This is but a snippet. I’m still learning the rules but the major rules I understand well now.
The fifth being that no contact is the only choice I have to restore my sanity and self esteem and save any soul that remains with me—as you own my soul now. No contact is the only way to protect me from your seduction, malice, threats, machinations, devaluations, smear campaigns, callous discards, hoovers and possibly even my own murder as you have also threatened this.
I know this will be negated by you. That is ok and that would be exactly what I’d expect you to do. But if you ever want to understand yourself better…..understand the creature you keep locked far deep down inside…….then share these thoughts I discuss above with a professional and at minimum you might understand yourself better.
As for me, I will be recovering for years to come. Probably the rest of my life. I will always be vulnerable to you because you bound me to you and that can never really be undone. You will be like a computer running a parallel program in my mind 24 hours a day until I die. And with my emotional thinking I will always fantasize that the book is wrong and that one day you will be fixable. But then I remember to think with logic, shake off my tears and keep on following the play book.
And even after all that, I end this saying I will always love you—both of you. The false you that all the world sees and adores and the real you—that angry creature full of malice you try so hard to tame. Always and forever! Your love, ~L