A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 84
C,
How many times did say “ I don’t have a play book for you”. “ How can you expect me to play by the rules without knowing the rules?”
Well I found the rule book. Much too late and after so much irreparable damage had already been done. It was written by someone who actually knows your rules. One of your brethren.
The first rule is……….that there are no rules! So no matter what path I choose, I will always fail you.
The second rule is that you will always hurt me, repeatedly, even if you don’t want to, you always will. And it will ultimately kill me if I stay because you don’t know when to stop my punishment and I don’t ever want to be without you.
The third rule is that I belong to you until you or I die. I almost did die at your hands, by your emotional abuse, financial extortion, mind fucking, future faking, triangulation of me with countless other women, the gaslighting and all around confusion that causes the crazy making, your weaponization of sex, your weaponization of your dog, your complete lack of empathy, your total lack of boundary recognition, your awe inspiring lack of guilt, and compassion, your absolute selfishness and astonishingly massive sense of self entitlement…… and……I have too many souls that depend on me, and need me alive, to die for you. And I tried twice to die for you and some higher power saved me.
The fourth rule is that no matter how much love I pour into you, I can’t fix you. This was the toughest rule for me to swallow. You don’t want to be fixed because you like how you are. And because you like how you function, you will never seek the years of help you will need to understand how you tear the souls out of those closest to you. Then discard them because they no longer function for you and can no longer meet your never ending needs because you have systematically destroyed their self esteem, self worth and their souls —so they must be discarded and replaced by a new model. That model only to end up like all the rest of us…….mentally destabilized, drunk as much as possible, unable to get out of bed and utterly useless. You will never acknowledge that you have a personality that literally destroys and kills those closest to you. This is why you have never had a successful long term relationship. This is why every girl will fail you. Some after 2 dates. Some after 2 years. But they will all fail you. It is written as such in the play book.
This play book, written by one of your kind, has much more knowledge to impart to me. This is but a snippet. I’m still learning the rules but the major rules I understand well now.
The fifth being that no contact is the only choice I have to restore my sanity and self esteem and save any soul that remains with me—as you own my soul now. No contact is the only way to protect me from your seduction, malice, threats, machinations, devaluations, smear campaigns, callous discards, hoovers and possibly even my own murder as you have also threatened this.
I know this will be negated by you. That is ok and that would be exactly what I’d expect you to do. But if you ever want to understand yourself better…..understand the creature you keep locked far deep down inside…….then share these thoughts I discuss above with a professional and at minimum you might understand yourself better.
As for me, I will be recovering for years to come. Probably the rest of my life. I will always be vulnerable to you because you bound me to you and that can never really be undone. You will be like a computer running a parallel program in my mind 24 hours a day until I die. And with my emotional thinking I will always fantasize that the book is wrong and that one day you will be fixable. But then I remember to think with logic, shake off my tears and keep on following the play book.
And even after all that, I end this saying I will always love you—both of you. The false you that all the world sees and adores and the real you—that angry creature full of malice you try so hard to tame. Always and forever! Your love, ~L
11 thoughts on “A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 84”
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That was amazing!! Thank you!
Dear L,
Thank you for sharing your letter with us. It resonated so much with me, especially the part about the computer running a parallel programme in your mind.
Your honest words conveyed angst and longing, and utter disgust at being buried under piles of BS by C.
They evoked familiar feelings for me.
We will always be vulnerable to N-seduction, as you said; it just is how it is, and we are wise to accept that fact.
I wish you healing, love and happiness.
The most perfectly articulate account of life with a NSPD…EVER
Yes I loved you .. and even tho im still here you will never get that amazing love I first gave you ..you ruined that with your shallowness your self praise your always needing to be right your manipulations and withdrawing and then love bombing ..I go along for now But I am as false to you as you are to me ! ..even when i cant bear to communicate with you ..you just keep coming back dont you !! I think your more addicted to me than I am to you .. you need ME
Dear HG,
1. Why would a narcissist be on this site, even commenting, if they weren’t aware they were narcissistics – why would they google narcissism in the first place?
2. Narcissists like the company of other narcissists, do you blog with one another?
3. There’s nothing inside you because ‘you’ were too young to develop, and that part of you whithered away and was forgotten over time? If your facade is removed, there’s nothing behind it, and that would feel like death? You can’t just become the facade you created because you also created a creature inside to torment you?
1. Because the narcissist believes themselves to be the victim of a narcissist. That might actually be correct as two narcissists can ensnare on another or it is incorrect and the other person is the true victim, but of course the narcissistic perspective will not allow the narcissist to see this – he or she believes they are the victim and the other person is the aggressor.
2. No.
Dear L,
I hope you’ve helped yourself because you’ve certainly helped me. Thank you.
Yes we do get free. It is you who is not free, condemning yourself to repeating repeating repeating repeating because you are a single deadend street, especially the dead part, because you are too cowardly to face your fear.
Yes I loved you with all my heart and you broke it. I would have died for you – I nearly did.
I accepted the abuse as normal.
I lived in pain.
I found pills and alcohol.
And then one day I crawled out of the nightmare; afraid of the future but fearing what I had become more.
I dragged myself out of the prison of self destruction.
Today I am happy; I love myself; I love my life; I have reconnected with my children and married a decent honest man that I can trust.
My love for you was never real, just as you are not real. You are a fake and a hollow sham.
You have no power because I choose not to give that to you. My life is my own.
I survived.
Hi Clare,
Thank you for sharing this little window into your life. I’m pleased that you are here with us, and that the pain you endured didn’t sweep you away into oblivion, as it so easily might.
You expressed yourself well. From your words, I get the impression that you are a woman of courage who has done a lot of work to recover, process the pain, & rebuild her life. That’s a huge achievement!
I’m pleased to read that you have found someone to love, who loves you, and brings you the happiness and safety you deserve. I wish you success in reestablishing your relationship with your children; it would have been a great heartache to have barriers between you.