A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 86

 

L'S LETTER

C,
How many times did say “ I don’t have a play book for you”. “ How can you expect me to play by the rules without knowing the rules?”

Well I found the rule book. Much too late and after so much irreparable damage had already been done. It was written by someone who actually knows your rules. One of your brethren.

The first rule is……….that there are no rules! So no matter what path I choose, I will always fail you.

The second rule is that you will always hurt me, repeatedly, even if you don’t want to, you always will. And it will ultimately kill me if I stay because you don’t know when to stop my punishment and I don’t ever want to be without you.

The third rule is that I belong to you until you or I die. I almost did die at your hands, by your emotional abuse, financial extortion, mind fucking, future faking, triangulation of me with countless other women, the gaslighting and all around confusion that causes the crazy making, your weaponization of sex, your weaponization of your dog, your complete lack of empathy, your total lack of boundary recognition, your awe inspiring lack of guilt, and compassion, your absolute selfishness and astonishingly massive sense of self entitlement…… and……I have too many souls that depend on me, and need me alive, to die for you. And I tried twice to die for you and some higher power saved me.

The fourth rule is that no matter how much love I pour into you, I can’t fix you. This was the toughest rule for me to swallow. You don’t want to be fixed because you like how you are. And because you like how you function, you will never seek the years of help you will need to understand how you tear the souls out of those closest to you. Then discard them because they no longer function for you and can no longer meet your never ending needs because you have systematically destroyed their self esteem, self worth and their souls —so they must be discarded and replaced by a new model. That model only to end up like all the rest of us…….mentally destabilized, drunk as much as possible, unable to get out of bed and utterly useless. You will never acknowledge that you have a personality that literally destroys and kills those closest to you. This is why you have never had a successful long term relationship. This is why every girl will fail you. Some after 2 dates. Some after 2 years. But they will all fail you. It is written as such in the play book.

This play book, written by one of your kind, has much more knowledge to impart to me. This is but a snippet. I’m still learning the rules but the major rules I understand well now.

The fifth being that no contact is the only choice I have to restore my sanity and self esteem and save any soul that remains with me—as you own my soul now. No contact is the only way to protect me from your seduction, malice, threats, machinations, devaluations, smear campaigns, callous discards, hoovers and possibly even my own murder as you have also threatened this.

I know this will be negated by you. That is ok and that would be exactly what I’d expect you to do. But if you ever want to understand yourself better…..understand the creature you keep locked far deep down inside…….then share these thoughts I discuss above with a professional and at minimum you might understand yourself better.

As for me, I will be recovering for years to come. Probably the rest of my life. I will always be vulnerable to you because you bound me to you and that can never really be undone. You will be like a computer running a parallel program in my mind 24 hours a day until I die. And with my emotional thinking I will always fantasize that the book is wrong and that one day you will be fixable. But then I remember to think with logic, shake off my tears and keep on following the play book.

And even after all that, I end this saying I will always love you—both of you. The false you that all the world sees and adores and the real you—that angry creature full of malice you try so hard to tame. Always and forever! Your love, ~L

18 thoughts on “A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 86

  1. Caron says:

    I could have written this.

  2. Leslie says:

    Well said.

    Absolutely keep the no contact. You will find life.

    We are not bound to them. We just got used to having to keep a part of our mind always considering what possible repercussions and punishments could come from every breath we took. Write down all these thoughts, burn the pages, and take back your life.

    We’ve learned the game is rigged. We can also play with sudden unexplained unspoken rule changes, such as GOSO and no contact.

    L, your life loves you.

    1. Getting There says:

      Are you the same Leslie who wrote before? If so, your comments have shown a positive change. I am hoping all is well!

      1. Leslie says:

        I’m finally free after nearly doing suicide. I was helped to escape by an unexpected source who called on a network of women who were all escapees themselves.

        I have also been applying HG’s information during the post escape. It’s amazing to be doing emotional “surgery” to remove the hooks and tentacles. My whole life is being realigned to fit me and only me.

        BTW HG, I find it amusing how a narc can monetise his narcissistic personality disorder and help victims of narcissism. I couldn’t have made it without your work. Thank you.

        Thank you Getting There for your kind wishes.

        1. Getting There says:

          That is awesome!! A great cause of celebration! I’m sorry it got to the point of suicide but am so thankful you are alive! That group is doing amazing work!
          You are an extremely strong woman! You got this!

        2. Getting There says:

          Whomever was the unexpected source that started the ball, that person is amazing! I’m glad you gave us an update. Keep up the healing!

          1. Leslie says:

            It was an acquaintance I unexpectedly met when I was was on my way to the place where I was going to commit suicide. It’s very courageous of these women to act against the narcissistic culture.

            Again, thank you for your encouragement.

        3. Yolo says:

          I love this letter. I can tell it was written from your heart. It’s a reminder of how dangerous they are, and the damage they can cause.
          Thank you for sharing your story and I am glad you made it to the other side of this. Many didn’t make it and many will not make it to tell their story.

          The information available via this forum is priceless. The monetary gain is meaningless considering the souls that are being saved.

          Wishing the very best in your quest to healing and that you find someone who restore your faith in Love.♥️

  3. WiserNow says:

    This is a great letter. Thank you to the writer. It describes the feelings that a narcissist instils in an empath very well.

    This line is very honest… “that angry creature full of malice you try so hard to tame”.

    The ‘energy’ around a narcissist when they are not wearing a mask is often either cold or angry.

    HG,
    This makes me wonder…
    -Have you noticed a change in your personal inner feelings about the creature since starting this blog?
    -Have your inner feelings of malice, envy and anger reduced or changed as a result of the many words of honest praise and heartfelt gratitude from readers (not due to fuel, but due to a change in your inner self)?
    -Have the widespread positive sentiments made you feel genuine pride in your self?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      1. No.
      2. There are never any feelings of malice, envy or anger towards the readers on the blog, therefore there was nothing to reduce or change.
      3. I am always genuinely proud of what I do. I am effective. I do appreciate the positive sentiments from readers, they are important.

      1. WiserNow says:

        Thank you for your answer HG.

        About the second point, my question about your inner feelings referred to your ‘general’ feelings on the whole, rather than specifically towards the readers here only.

        What I’m asking (and thank you for your patience).. is whether your narcissism has changed at all, in any aspects, compared to before you started narcsite?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Hello WN, you are welcome.

          It has changed.
          1. It is more effective; and
          2. I utilise a pro social approach in certain instances, this reigning in my narcissism occasionally.

          1. WiserNow says:

            That’s interesting HG, thank you.

            I take it the ‘effectiveness’ in your view relates to how well you can achieve your aims, which would still be based on self-interest.

            The ‘pro-social approach’ is promising, because it suggests to me that you do (at least occasionally) have more consideration for the effects your actions have and seek to reduce the harm on others that results from them.

            By the way, I am not asking because I hold on to hope that narcissists are able to change. I’m resigned to accepting that they can’t. Seeing that you are a Greater though, with significantly more awareness than most narcissists, it interests me to see how you see the effects (if any) of the work you’re doing with narcsite and the interactions you have with readers.

          2. HG Tudor says:

            Hello WN,

            1. Correct.
            2. Correct.
            3. Noted. That is logic.

          3. WiserNow says:

            Thank you for your responses and insights HG, they are much appreciated.

  4. Zooey says:

    Do narcissists prefer strong individual as a partner or weak individual who wants them badly and are onto them who is easy going easily available and easy to control? Which one a narcissist prefers?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      The narcissist prefers the one who provides the Prime Aims most effectively and it is that person who must be controlled. Not all narcissists achieve that control to the required extent.

      1. Lorelei says:

        I think I “get” the types of “empath” in terms of suitably for different narcissists now?? “I don’t like that word because it still
        sounds like women fanning you with palm
        leaves) Yuck. I’ll never accept it because it makes me uncomfortable. So—for a standard empath there is a lack of “gusto”
        perhaps so maybe less energy to provide certain types with fuel. (negative fuel)
        Super empaths have more “fight.” (?)
        I’m more of a lay down and collapse sort so I appeal more to lower energy narcissists correct? Am I understanding this better? In a way it’s good because a lower energy narcissist is easier to evade in a no contact regime?

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