Hello little one.
I know you will hear this with much skepticism because you trust no one – and with good reason, but I want to tell you some things I’ve learned in the hope that you will be able to benefit from them and capture for yourself valuable time lost to me through lack of understanding.
First off: You are good, smart, and whole just the way you are, and your belief that you are not to blame is spot on. You deserve much better, but are surrounded by madness and those unable to love you, or value your worth and assure you of it. You see truth, and your instincts are good, especially with regard to people and their intention.
When people treat you badly it is because they want to take from you. They are threatened by your quiet knowing. The lack of their control over your private thoughts of elevated worth and your rejection of their attempts to erase those thoughts, as well as erase you – just as they themselves once were erased, infuriates them. That is what he tries to do to you, but you are stronger than he is. Never forget that.
I have come to know that his kind experienced abuse also, and their path to survival presented itself in the loss of their real self. Wiped clean of their abuses and replaced (from their perspective) by a far more effective entity that rejects the weaknesses that they associate with having endured the abuse. The reinstallation of only those negative emotions deemed to be useful in prevention of any future abuses – that of their abuser. Although we can, and do, see it useful to employ some of the negative ones temporarily (in defence and to restore balance), we were spared their fate and retain a full range of emotions.
But this is all just understanding of their disorder and really none of my concern or yours. We are not their keepers and we owe them nothing.
Narcissism is a word you will learn in time. It is a total defence system for them and cannot be changed.
Accordingly:
Although wounding them (an emotionless pointing out of their failings) can make you less of a target and give you some temporary satisfaction, any attempts at revenge will ultimately be lost on them. They will be wiped clean by thoughts of their omnipotence and a new day to be conquered. It is emotional thinking on your part to believe in any other outcome.
Any attempts to teach them how they make us feel will only be cognitive and used to mirror and further manipulate others. They can no more feel empathy than we can change our eye colour. You will only be feeding our addiction to fix and their addiction to abuse. You will be delighted now to know that he comes to his own miserable demise and he will know that you witnessed it.
You cannot save people. That includes your mother and siblings. You can try to protect them from harm as you do, but recognize that serves a purpose for yourself in coping, and may not change their outcome. Only they have the power to change their situation and unbelievably some will not choose change. Give them information and options and walk away. Some will understand the intent in what you do or say and some will not. That is a matter for them. You will have more time to pursue things that make you feel good rather than obligated.
Some of his kind will be able to achieve what is viewed by most to be success and it won’t seem fair, but know that it depends on things that you reject as having too high a cost for yourself and be okay with that. Take what they produce that benefits you and reject the rest. Always at a distance.
You will come to know one of his kind that will benefit you. I know, I know, I see from your curled lip that you reject that, but it’s true. What he has to tell you will release you. Not out of any concern for you. He is doing what is good for him as they all do, but you will not be concerned with that as long as he continues to bring the release you sought, and he made possible, to others. His words are both beautiful and brutal, but most importantly – accurate to your experiences, so you will know them to be the truth. You will never forget what he is and what he does, but as I encouraged earlier – you will take what you need and recognize that the world is not a perfect place. You do not have to accept the Devil himself to recognize that he knows the behaviour of demons and how best to slay them. Use that. Turns out the answer is easier than the exhaustion of constant vigilance and/or trying to change the terms of your engagement. You simply recognize what you are looking at from the education he offers and you walk away.
I have more, but I see that you are struggling with what I have said so far. The truth seeker in you knows I am not lying, but you need to go forth and see it for yourself. You will be joined by an army of those like yourself – mighty in sprit and tenacious in keeping the world in balance through having kindness and logic persevere. You are not alone. Take care little one.
P.S
You are loved. I love you and always have. I will never leave you.
NA