You will walk through hell and not even realize where you are, but I promise it will be worth it. You will find the thing you have been searching for as far back as you can remember.
It will be time for you to leave. It will be the last time you let him ignore you. You will block him and crawl into bed for three days. Burning tears and physical pain as every muscle in your body tenses and cries out for him, but you will hold firm. The same thought will repeat for hours on end, “I can’t believe he did this to me.”
At first it will be like looking through a fogged window, you can see the light, but nothing else. You are hurt and angry that you loved this man unconditionally despite all the silent treatments and abuse. You learn he is a narcissist; a malicious and cruel ghost whose only goal was to see you hurt and suffering. The sadness turns into rage and disgust, but the fog begins to clear when you ask yourself, “How did this happen?”
It happened because you give and you give and you give and you love and you love and you love… others, but never yourself.
You have cradled the sick and wounded, fought for justice against the tyranny of governments, and listened to countless stories of torture and unimaginable horror because you must love and fight and give. That is your nature. You’ll realize that you cradled a sick and wounded man who, as a child, suffered torture and unimaginable horror. You’ll see that you loved and fought and gave, but that the narcissist is incapable of love.
He demanded all of you, so you bled as he took and took and took from you until you finally recognized that you must love yourself more than him or any other. It will take years for you to learn this lesson, but only because the love you give is that strong!
You’ll discover the truth: you carried him. You’ll see that you can exist without him, but he cannot exist without you. He will return to try and reopen the door to your heart, but remember that yours is only one among many. You’ll ignore him and will do so forever because you will have learned to love yourself. Your new self-love will be fierce and unbreakable. You will walk through hell to find it, but I promise, you are worth it.
Love yourself, always.