My Ryan,
You always hear all of the “love” sayings & quotes…”the heart wants what the heart wants”,
“there is only one happiness in this life, to love and be loved”, & so forth.
Here’s a favorite quote of mine, it reminds me of you. It is not an original, but it has a lot of meaning to me when it comes to you…
“If all else perished and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger.”
― Emily Brontë, Wuthering Heights
I understand that your marching to the beat of your own drum now. And I also know your on a path of self-destruction. So this very well may be the last “love” letter that I ever get to write to you. But that doesn’t mean I’m not going to write it. I want to write it & I want you to read it. every. single. word.
Since I may actually never get to see that handsome face or that amazing smile of yours in person again, I will remember it always. Your hands that are all beat up from working & being used to punch things out of anger, I will always remember how soft & gentle they can be. Your heart, that not too many people have had the pleasure of knowing how big & caring it is, I have felt it & know how much love is on the inside.
That head of yours, oh my, it is one of the most stubborn I’ve ever encountered, but I appreciate it & I know how much knowledge there is in there. And your soul, your being, that’s the one that captures me the most. I have seen it, I have actually felt it inside of me, & still do, even with the distance. When you hurt, I hurt, when your happy, I can feel it. When your anxious, I feel it. I really wish you could see how beautiful, strong, mesmerizing, talented, funny, loving, caring, & wonderful that you truly are. That’s how I know you. It’s unbelievably crazy how I feel so connected to you. You really are a part of me & I will never let that go.
I honestly would never change it or trade it for anything in the world.
You & I always get to each other. Each of us knows the other better than anyone else, including ourselves. We know what to say & what to do to piss the other off to no end. But, I also know that we do love each other. Yes, of course I still love you. I will never stop loving you. The bad part is, sometimes we hurt each other too much, or too deeply & sometimes those things are irreparable.
I’m not sure what our future holds. I’m not sure if we actually have a future to speak of. There’s been so many things said & done, maybe there’s no going back? Idk. But I liked what you said when I left from picking up my first round of stuff from the house, while you were hugging me at the front door – “so I guess this is what they mean when they say”, “If you love something, let it go”
Please, please take care of yourself Ryan. This is yet another test of what is meant to be. And I know your exhausted from always having to struggle & fight for what you want…but so am I. We both are. If it’s meant to be, it will be & nothing can stop that from happening. There is a lesson to be learned by each of us through all of this & everything else we’ve been through & fought for up too this point. And if this fight is for a future together, then damn if we aren’t going to be amazing! Lol
Your forever in my head, my heart & my soul.
Always,
Your Julia
Letter 2:
Ok, soooo….the letter I put so much energy, emotion, & time into writing above was never & will never be sent to him or read by him. He does not deserve to know any of that information, to receive any of the “fuel” he would have inhaled & absorbed in knowing that he can still play his game of chess with me & make me fall for his lies & manipulations. Fortunately for me, I waited one more day to send it to him. Because the following day he reminded me of why I left him. He showed his true colors, yet again, & now I don’t even care to have a friendship with him. Now I know when they say that a narcissist can & will never change, it is absolutely true. There is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, no going back to him. Never. Ever.
So now, I’m going to rewrite that letter to him, but in the way it should’ve been written in the first place.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I want to start with this first:
Ryan,
You do not make me feel safe. You do not make me feel loved. You do not make me feel good about myself.
*now to rewrite those words with their actual meanings*
Ryan,
You make me feel scared. You make me feel unloved & unworthy. You make me feel subconscious & insecure about myself.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A letter to Ryan:
Ryan,
You always hear all of the “love” sayings & quotes…”the heart wants what the heart wants”,
“there is only one happiness in this life, to love and be loved”, & so forth.
Here’s a few favorite quotes of mine, that remind me of who you ARE NOT. They are not originals, but they have a lot of meaning to me when it comes to you…
“Treat a woman right, and you’ll never have to worry about keeping her”
“A real man stays true to his woman. He doesn’t cheat on her, lie to her, and he doesn’t break promises to her that he made. He’s loyal to his queen because that’s what she deserves”
“What qualities are most important for a man to have? Integrity, honesty, strength of character, a basic decency, men who are gentlemen in the truest sense of the word and who are comfortable with who they are and genuinely love the woman they are with. Add to that humor, sexiness and intelligence…and you have a lethal and irresistible combination”
I understand that your marching to the beat of your own drum now. And I also know your on a path of self-destruction because you’re trying to punish me for “abandoning” you. So this very well may be the last “love” letter that I ever get to write to you. But that doesn’t mean I’m not going to write it. I want to write it & I want you to read it. every. single. word.
Since I will never see that face or that smile of yours in person again, I will always remember the lies they told me. Your hands that are all beat up from working & being used to punch things out of anger, I will always remember how you used them to shatter the coffee table with your fist the night I left you. Your heart, that not too many people have actually got to know, doesn’t exist. It’s was a fabric of my imagination & all that I wanted it to be.
That head of yours, oh my, it is one of the most stubborn I’ve ever encountered, and no one is ever going to convince you your wrong. And your soul, your being, that’s the one that is truly never visible. You keep it hidden under all of your deceit and mirroring of other’s. I have seen it, I have actually felt it inside of me, & still do, even with the distance. When you hurt, you express it to me & make me hurt also, if your ever happy, it is because someone else has fallen victim to your game. When your anxious, you let the world know through your hostility. I really wish you could see how hateful, demeaning, soulless, manipulating, unloving, uncompassionate, & evil that you truly are. That’s how I know you. It’s unbelievably crazy how I feel so connected to you. Its almost as if you made me your puppet, as if you brain washed me. You really are a part of me & I pray to God daily that I will break the hold that you have over me.
I honestly would never have chosen to be with you if I had known who you truly were. I can’t change it or trade it, but I will use it as a lesson well learned for the remainder of my life.
You & I always get to each other. Each of us knows the other better than anyone else, because you have become me & in turn, you were making me become you. We know what to say & what to do to piss the other off to no end. And, I also know that we never truly loved each other. Yes, of course I still think about you. But hopefully there will come a day when I will just stop. Most of the time we hurt each other too much, or too deeply & now those things are irreparable.
I’m not sure what each of our future holds. I do know that there is not a future together to speak of. There’s been so many things said & done, that there is no possible way of ever going back.
I know you won’t take care of yourself Ryan. This is yet another test of what is meant to be. And I know your exhausted from always having to struggle & fight for what you want…but so am I. We both are. Whatever is meant to be, it will be & nothing can stop that from happening. There is a lesson to be learned by each of us through all of this & everything else we’ve been through & fought for up too this point. And since this fight is no longer for a future together, then damned if I’m not going to be amazing without you!
You are no longer in my head, my heart or my soul.
Julia
Thank you for taking the time to read & consider these.
