The Haunted Chamber

 

the-haunted-chamber

Your heart has its haunted chamber,

Where the silent treatment falls,

On the floor are stalking footsteps,

Malicious whispers along the walls.

Though your perfect love is manifold,

This chamber will still persist,

Its lingering hurt and sadness,

Is decreed to always exist.

No matter how you shine and smile,

‘Tis a place of frigid cold,

That now no love, no joy, no care

Can relinquish its endless hold.

Your heart these times is haunted,

By phantoms of our past,

So insidious is the infection

It seems it will always last.

A form sits by your window,

Always in your corner eye,

Waiting and watching all night long

Yet never answering why.

I sit there in the moonlight,

Hatred etched across my face,

And point a blaming finger,

To avoid my own disgrace.

I haunt your heart and memory,

My poison flows yet still,

To remind you of your treachery,

And to scold you for causing me ill.

Each lonely darkened midnight,

You will hear my accusing wail,

The bitter and twisted arguments,

Still remain beyond the pale.

This phantom’s baleful glare,

Seems to absorb and drain your will,

The remembering of torment,

Places in your heart sick chill.

My haunting clouds your remembrance,

All else becomes thin air,

The shadows form and twist now,

So you always see me there.

The knock upon your window pane,

Wrenches your thought from me,

A relentless drumming announcement,

From the gloomy darkened tree.

There stands our oak, rain-slicked, boughs bent,

A place that was sanctuary,

We climbed it often together,

To imagine being free.

Yet now near lifeless monument,

It serves only to torment,

The greying bark and sorest wounds,

Form the night’s empty lament.

I know you look there still each night,

I know you see me there,

The haunting of your aching heart

Ne’er relieved by earnest prayer.

Your chained and weighted pensive guilt,

Is naught to my own hell,

But yours is bound in silence,

Since you can never tell.

Beneath the oaken branches,

Is the grave of that little child,

Who fell from grace so violently,

And never wept nor smiled.

So your heart remains an empty chamber,

Where my hatred will reside,

And evermore I will punish you,

For what you have always denied.

What once shone bright and golden,

Is dulled and tarnished deep,

And the memory of your failings,

Will steal away your sleep.

I blamed her then so I blame you now,

It all must  wither and turn bad,

Since I have no hope but to see you

As the parent I never had.

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86 thoughts on “The Haunted Chamber”

  1. And that last sentence wraps up my creature. I hated my parent, I never had. My creature will hate you because I wasn’t allowed to hate her. My creature is surfacing just from the read.

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  2. What a beautiful dark prose. How tortured the man who writes. If only he wanted to be free from his prison he has built.

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  3. Poetry, eh. This is new. Intriguing. You never have much to say to me, HG. I don’t wish to destroy you, you know..

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      1. Of course you wouldn’t let me, where’s the fun in that? And I only wear it when my cape is at the cleaners. Is that some kind of fantasy? I’ve been asked weirder. You can imagine me however you like, really 😉

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  4. Wasnt allowed to hate her? Help me to understand. If youre concious of the fact the the hate is for the parent why do you transfer it to someone else? Ive always wondered why the hate wasnt contained for just the target and that if you know where it stems from how you hope to get back at her from toying with someone else when you know they are not the source. It seems like that would just be a perpetual empty victory and a waste of energy. Its not a ctriticism- i really want to understand.

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      1. So redirect hatred to innocent party so as not to fuel the matrinarc. Nonsensical. Preditor mentality. Doesn’t seem like you are trying very hard to get better, well maybe it does if you’re sharpening your skills for betterment of abusing others.

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      2. Ineffective in that you cant discard your Mother but you can another? Do feelings remain for the parent after the false self is constructed that prevent focusing discard or revenge (whatever the name) on her?

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      3. In part but also in terms of the response, the response from her is not that which can be obtained elsewhere. The feelings do persist dependent on the fuel levels. The greater the fuel level and the stronger the construct, the lesser the unwanted feelings.

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      4. HG
        Interesting comment, your right it’s not effective towards her.
        I am seeing this as you collecting fuel with the effective target and I am releasing the rage on another person.

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    1. HG.
      This is your question but I feel the fury so I am going to chime in.

      When a child is very young 3 years is the age we most start to remember. You want to feel safe. You look to your caregiver. When a caregiver is inconsistent with there parenting it’s confusing. You start to feel unsafe. Add to that physical abuse and verbal abuse and now you have no one to help you. Your not allowed to speak to your caregiver when there in the middle of a beating. Don’t cry it’s worse. Tune out the hurtful words because they tear you up. There is no place to lash out these intense feelings, you stuff them down, try to keep them from coming to the surface. When your not allowed to hate the abuser these emotions need to be placed someplace. We need to place them where we are not threatened. The reason another person is the target.

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      1. Thank you both SII and HG for your responses. I understand all too well the feelings and need to place them as I have experienced all that you have written and then some, but my reaction was different and thus my question. It comes from wanting to understand the different responses to the abuse and not as a criticism so I hope that fury was not directed at me.

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      2. That fury was not direct at you. My fury can be ignited when anything regarding poor parenting comes up. I, like you, try to understand the emotions behind fuel and fury. I only chimmed in because I understood.

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      3. If this helps. I learning that the creature that I carry is indeed my inner child that never had a voice. I am not a narc but boarderline. Raised by a narc mom.
        My creature will come out when a situation rises when injustice was served. It can be rather deadly if children are involved that I see are being abused.
        I am learning that it’s not fuel that I need to survive. I have an inner child with years and years of abuse that simply is becoming harder to quiet as I age. She wants a big voice and because she has never been heard she doesn’t properly know how. So you have an adult who knows control and a child who knows none. The turmoil can be great.
        I can’t speak for HG creature but mine will only strike the abuser never the victim. It will strike with 50 years of rage on its tail.

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      4. SII,
        You said you rage against another. Are you an empath or narcissist? Do you have enough control to decide when to direct rage at another and then turn to someone else and be empathetic towards their situation? Having the ability to do both. Kind and vindictive. Malicious and benevolent. Altruistic and selfish. Do you think it impossible?

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      5. Frenchtoast

        I am an empath. I also am diagnosed boarderline.
        This rage and then empathy switch is a boarderline trait. It’s the black and white no grey area in between.
        I am working very hard in therapy to build a neutral ground so that things flow more evenly.
        As of right now I have self control not to lash out unless I see another person being mistreated.

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      6. Maybe this will help explain. I was raised by a narc mom. My world consisted of good and evil. I only see good people and evil people. Anything else neutral goes unnoticed.
        When I see the evil my fury will form. I have the skills to walk away unless I have seen something unjust to another. If I am taken by surprise, like a teen picking on another in public, I have no control, the switch got turned to fast and I had no time to place my skills in the ground.
        The empath is the nurse side of me. I am an RN, my speciality pediatrics. No child crosses my path abused and not taken care of. That child will never be hurt again but the abuser will not walk because I will not let them. I use the law and make them pay and pay they will. That’s my creature I am trying so hard to work with,

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      7. SII,
        Thank you for sharing that. I understand your heightened sense of justice. I believe this trait is more prevalent in some of those who suffered abuse. I myself have very strong, unbreakable even, convictions when it pertains to certain areas. I hope you give the creature what it deserves.

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  5. Lovely, just beautiful. And those last lines tell it all. You have the insight. The question is what now…what next…
    We are routing for you, HG!

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  6. This…so haunting and sad. It must have been difficult to post. Someone I know says there is always hope. In this case, I hope they are right and you break free.

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      1. **hands an octogon and a equilateral triangle under the table to you, they flew into my back yard*** may I suggest the throwing star?

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      2. Thank goodness my triangle has returned, I cannot exist without the trusty triangle. I would offer you a reward but I know you exist to do good acts because it satisfies you so consider yourself satisfied.

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      3. Ha, but It’s a double triangle…2 triangles for the price of one…and I’m sure this rhombus was well used too, you are just hiding your dismay. Pets it, dusts it, puts it in my tool kit.

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      4. Hi Love,
        LOL, I think I stepped into a Geometry class that I needed to not step into 🙂 I tend to unwittingly step into things when I am impulsive and in a humorous mood and fail to read context. 😉

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      5. Love,
        LOL, I had never heard the saying “throwing shapes” until here. Had to look it up. I was so disappointed by the true meaning. LOL I kind of like my own take on it. Pink squares, purple circles and yellow triangles flying all about from a keyboard.

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  7. HG ❤Beautiful Writing.

    I’m haunted day and night my dear
    By your ever presence
    I thought you would have died by now
    But what is true, it isn’t
    Love that lies so deep inside
    For something none so true
    Has left the scars deep within
    Forever through and through.
    You gave a version of your love
    So kindly paid attention
    But abandoned me when you found
    I knew your true intention
    I gave you love to show to you
    That you were truly wanted
    But by your death and your demise
    I’ll be forever haunted
    I cannot mourn the way I wish
    I musn’t shed a tear
    But know that in the next life
    You’ll soon again be near
    So as I wait to see you there
    I wonder how much time
    Will you remain the predator or appear once more as kind?

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  8. Beautiful HG, and left tears. Truth is very deep. My heart stop a beat as the tear fell as I read the last line, one I always knew.
    Yet you have now given words to why I always sit in the middle of the night on the porch and watch the showdows amongest the trees.

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  9. Very moving HG. I read it several times before I went to bed and then this morning.
    My heart felt all your pain.
    Is that who’s hand you want to hold? The parent ( mother) you never had. A mother who would hold your hand with love and not with that tight grip that you felt?

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  10. Your poem You writing left me in tears… I don’t want to hate but since Your matrinarc hurted You so much I’m in rage. .. Because of HER You suffer, because of Her I suffer… I’VE NEVER had so much anger towards anyone like I have towards her. funny is that I’ve never met her. she is disgrace to every possible woman who you’ve been with… she’s disgrace to unconditional love and trust… she’ll burn in hell for sure. my heart aches for You so much dear G. ❤

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  11. He stalks me. Resentlessly. Professing love. Deep love. I refuse to acknowlege him. In any way. No eye contact. No communication.
    Point being: I read this poem 3 times. The 1st time, as HG wrote it…or so I thought. The 2nd time, as if he could have sent it to me. The 3rd time, as I could have sent it to him (baring the last four lines).
    Not sure what you call that as far as poetry goes, but I think it is extremely cleverly written. As so much of your work is HG.
    Thank you!

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      1. Im glad you are pleased HG. If you’d used the word ‘them’ instead of ‘her’, it would have followed through to the end with me. Otherwise, perfect. Thank you.

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  12. I would suggest you all listen to The Golden Palominos “The Haunting”.
    The lyrics say it all for me and the music – guitar – is brilliant.
    I always believed my ex’s father was the issue/narc but I have come to understand it is his mother and the father was just her”goon”…she was cruel and the father must have been under her thumb so everyone felt sorry for her and hated him…oh the damage done. ..I’ve been paying for it since I was a girl with my ex. I am tired.

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  13. It seems like your ghost isn’t you but your mother. How do you remove her from your mind? I understand your pain and I understand the difficulty of removing memories that will forever be imprinted in your mind BUT there has to be a way to permanently silence her nagging voice inside of you.

    You have choices and you know very well that you can choose a different way to treat others but it almost as if you are possessed by her demon at times. Do you think this is why you seek someone with mothering qualities? To fill that void that you desired and never received?

    No matter how evil one is or not, I cannot fathom constantly having a war in your mind. My war is not as deadly as yours and at this point in my life good always prevails over evil… my light turns evil into dust.

    This is well written and even a bit painful to read.

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    1. I have a plan to achieve this DC. It will address both the nagging I receive when she contacts me (although I have reduced that considerably) and also the nagging that echoes through my mind.

      I do not per se seek out someone with mothering qualities in abundance, that is what a Victim Narcissist requires, but I have come to realise through my work with the good doctors that I am seeking to receive from the intimate partner as a primary source certain treatment which I did not receive when I was a child.

      Thank you for your kind comment about my writing.

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      1. HG that brings up a good point- I am interested in information about the Victim Narcissist but have not reached the proper article yet in my reading. Can you direct me to the best source?

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      2. ❤❤❤❤❤
        I can only recommend You a good book dear G. (not as good as Yours are and only if You haven’t read it before) “Women who love psychopaths.” by Sandra L. Brown M.A. There is a lot about development in childrens environmental factors as also genes. I found quiet interesting.

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      3. HG,
        Do you have to speak to her at all? I avoid both my parents. I have no contact unless its an absolute emergency. Even then I have to go to others to make sure they are not trying to suck me into some drama or triangulation. The other question i have is do you think its healthier to have some type of relationship with Narcissistic parents? I did use your tactics and did not feed them the last time i had to deal with them, but I really dont see the necessity of having a relationship. Did you ever go a long period of time in not speaking to them? Or shorter periods like once a month or something?

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      4. I do speak to her when it is necessary to do so. I do not want her being alerted to my planning by a total cessation of communication.
        Why do you not speak to either of your parents? I note the reference to avoiding being sucked into a drama but are there other reasons too, I would like to know.
        I agree with you that there is no necessity to have a relationship with a narcissistic parent. Most people do so because they do not know what they are and when they do know, they still feel a sense of obligation because of the familial tie. I say cut it in order to better protect your interests. I have not done so yet because I have a longer term aim, but like you, I ensure I do not fuel her.
        There have been periods where we have not spoken, for several months, of course that was because she was subjecting me to a silent treatment but I was content to allow that to be the case.

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      5. HG,
        Since you seem to be testy with me today, i will give you a list of reasons.
        1. Verbal abuse
        2. Physical abuse
        3. Sexual abuse
        4. Sadistic abuse
        5. Malicious abuse
        All of these i have experience with. They are not all necessarily directed just at my parents.

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      6. Not testy FTW just keeping you right, you know how I must.

        Thank you for the expansion, did these forms of abuse continue into your adult life?

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      7. Frenchtoast

        That’s a great question about the narc parents and whether to stay in contact. I cut all my contact from family 7 years ago because I could not heal in that kind of family.
        There is a sense of loss when you cut yourself off. My doctors have said if your truly healed I should be able to walk right in my childhood home and walk out uneffected. My argument, I have come so far in healing, why do I want to go back to the sickness. I can’t go back yet and not sure I ever will. However, I am aware that if I can walk in uneffected and walk out with my head high, I will have battled it all. My mother will be able to see she didn’t destroy me and can’t further. This is not important to me right now. So the big question, and I don’t no if it will ever be answers before they pass, will I make amends? What will the pros be?
        I would like to hear from others that may have healed and been able to have a relationship with a Narc parent. In a healthy way, was it worth the effort for yourself.

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  14. This poem actually moved me to tears, HG. It struck as cord with me, as the narcissist I was ensnared by had a father who never accepted him – actually only met him once and vanished from his life. His mother was not there for him, as most mothers are for their children. To think that his upbringing and dysfunction with his own parents potentially caused his behaviour to manifest into narcissism, is sickening to me.

    On a side note, you are one fucking talented writer!

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      1. It interests me how you handled your session with the doctors. I am a professional therapist and became ensnared in a narc relationship. I am no contact and feeling much improved. My partner had factitious disorder-she feigned many illnesses, claimed to be dying had all sorts of fantastical stories. I never really believed her for a minute. I know understand that this was her primary method of getting fuel. And it worked, until it did not. Have you heard
        of this diagnosis in tandem with NPD?

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      2. I was not aware of that term Rhonda as I am familiar with the term of Munchausen Syndrome which I understand covers the same area although is regarded as more serious form. Such exaggeration and malingering would be entirely consistent with the behaviour of a Victim Narcissist and also the pity plays based on illness and ill health by other cadre of narcissist and I would regard factitious disorder or Munchausen’s as conditions which would appear alongside NPD. I think one of our commenters Starr would also be interested in this, thank you for raising it.

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      3. Hi Rhonda,

        I am a fellow professional counselor that was ensnared by a mid range victim cerebral type. Left and no contact as well. Its such a relief! Pleased to see you here!
        It is interesting, I never have seen the combo myself, though it makes complete sense. A great way for a victim type to get fuel.

        Welcome!
        Indy

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  15. Frenchtoast

    Can I ask your history or if it’s on a blog which one. Do you suffer a personality disorder?
    Are you aware of dissocosiation, what it is and if you happen to suffer from it? Are you in therapy now or trying to put the pieces together yourself. No answer is correct for me. I am just gathering information.

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