A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 85

 

JULIA LETTER

My Ryan,
You always hear all of the “love” sayings & quotes…”the heart wants what the heart wants”,
“there is only one happiness in this life, to love and be loved”, & so forth.
Here’s a favorite quote of mine, it reminds me of you. It is not an original, but it has a lot of meaning to me when it comes to you…
“If all else perished and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger.”
― Emily Brontë, Wuthering Heights
I understand that your marching to the beat of your own drum now.  And I also know your on a path of self-destruction. So this very well may be the last “love” letter that I ever get to write to you. But that doesn’t mean I’m not going to write it. I want to write it & I want you to read it. every. single. word.
Since I may actually never get to see that handsome face or that amazing smile of yours in person again, I will remember it always. Your hands that are all beat up from working & being used to punch things out of anger, I will always remember how soft & gentle they can be. Your heart, that not too many people have had the pleasure of knowing how big & caring it is, I have felt it & know how much love is on the inside.
That head of yours, oh my, it is one of the most stubborn I’ve ever encountered, but I appreciate it & I know how much knowledge there is in there. And your soul, your being, that’s the one that captures me the most. I have seen it, I have actually felt it inside of me, & still do, even with the distance. When you hurt, I hurt, when your happy, I can feel it. When your anxious, I feel it. I really wish you could see how beautiful, strong, mesmerizing, talented, funny, loving, caring, & wonderful that you truly are. That’s how I know you. It’s unbelievably crazy how I feel so connected to you. You really are a part of me & I will never let that go.
I honestly would never change it or trade it for anything in the world.
You & I always get to each other. Each of us knows the other better than anyone else, including ourselves. We know what to say & what to do to piss the other off to no end. But, I also know that we do love each other. Yes, of course I still love you. I will never stop loving you. The bad part is, sometimes we hurt each other too much, or too deeply & sometimes those things are irreparable.
I’m not sure what our future holds. I’m not sure if we actually have a future to speak of. There’s been so many things said & done, maybe there’s no going back? Idk. But I liked what you said when I left from picking up my first round of stuff from the house, while you were hugging me at the front door – “so I guess this is what they mean when they say”, “If you love something, let it go”
Please, please take care of yourself Ryan. This is yet another test of what is meant to be. And I know your exhausted from always having to struggle & fight for what you want…but so am I.  We both are. If it’s meant to be, it will be & nothing can stop that from happening. There is a lesson to be learned by each of us through all of this & everything else we’ve been through & fought for up too this point. And if this fight is for a future together, then damn if we aren’t going to be amazing! Lol
Your forever in my head, my heart & my soul.
Always,
Your Julia
Letter 2:
Ok, soooo….the letter I put so much energy, emotion, & time into writing above was never & will never be sent to him or read by him. He does not deserve to know any of that information, to receive any of the “fuel” he would have inhaled & absorbed in knowing that he can still play his game of chess with me & make me fall for his lies & manipulations. Fortunately for me, I waited one more day to send it to him. Because the following day he reminded me of why I left him. He showed his true colors, yet again, & now I don’t even care to have a friendship with him. Now I know when they say that a narcissist can & will never change, it is absolutely true. There is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, no going back to him. Never. Ever.
So now, I’m going to rewrite that letter to him, but in the way it should’ve been written in the first place.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I want to start with this first:
Ryan,
You do not make me feel safe. You do not make me feel loved. You do not make me feel good about myself.
*now to rewrite those words with their actual meanings*
Ryan,
You make me feel scared. You make me feel unloved & unworthy. You make me feel subconscious & insecure about myself.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A letter to Ryan:
Ryan,
You always hear all of the “love” sayings & quotes…”the heart wants what the heart wants”,
“there is only one happiness in this life, to love and be loved”, & so forth.
Here’s a few favorite quotes of mine, that remind me of who you ARE NOT. They are not originals, but they have a lot of meaning to me when it comes to you…
“Treat a woman right, and you’ll never have to worry about keeping her”
“A real man stays true to his woman. He doesn’t cheat on her, lie to her, and he doesn’t break promises to her that he made. He’s loyal to his queen because that’s what she deserves”
“What qualities are most important for a man to have? Integrity, honesty, strength of character, a basic decency, men who are gentlemen in the truest sense of the word and who are comfortable with who they are and genuinely love the woman they are with. Add to that humor, sexiness and intelligence…and you have a lethal and irresistible combination”
I understand that your marching to the beat of your own drum now.  And I also know your on a path of self-destruction because you’re trying to punish me for “abandoning” you. So this very well may be the last “love” letter that I ever get to write to you. But that doesn’t mean I’m not going to write it. I want to write it & I want you to read it. every. single. word.
Since I will never see that face or that smile of yours in person again, I will always remember the lies they told me. Your hands that are all beat up from working & being used to punch things out of anger, I will always remember how you used them to shatter the coffee table with your fist the night I left you. Your heart, that not too many people have actually got to know, doesn’t exist. It’s was a fabric of my imagination & all that I wanted it to be.
That head of yours, oh my, it is one of the most stubborn I’ve ever encountered, and no one is ever going to convince you your wrong. And your soul, your being, that’s the one that is truly never visible. You keep it hidden under all of your deceit and mirroring of other’s. I have seen it, I have actually felt it inside of me, & still do, even with the distance. When you hurt, you express it to me & make me hurt also, if your ever happy, it is because someone else has fallen victim to your game. When your anxious, you let the world know through your hostility. I really wish you could see how hateful, demeaning, soulless, manipulating, unloving, uncompassionate, & evil that you truly are. That’s how I know you. It’s unbelievably crazy how I feel so connected to you. Its almost as if you made me your puppet, as if you brain washed me. You really are a part of me & I pray to God daily that I will break the hold that you have over me.
I honestly would never have chosen to be with you if I had known who you truly were. I can’t change it or trade it, but I will use it as a lesson well learned for the remainder of my life.
You & I always get to each other. Each of us knows the other better than anyone else, because you have become me & in turn, you were making me become you. We know what to say & what to do to piss the other off to no end. And, I also know that we never truly loved each other. Yes, of course I still think about you. But hopefully there will come a day when I will just stop. Most of the time we hurt each other too much, or too deeply & now those things are irreparable.
I’m not sure what each of our future holds. I do know that there is not a future together to speak of. There’s been so many things said & done, that there is no possible way of ever going back.
I know you won’t take care of yourself Ryan. This is yet another test of what is meant to be. And I know your exhausted from always having to struggle & fight for what you want…but so am I.  We both are. Whatever is meant to be, it will be & nothing can stop that from happening. There is a lesson to be learned by each of us through all of this & everything else we’ve been through & fought for up too this point. And since this fight is no longer for a future together, then damned if I’m not going to be amazing without you!
You are no longer in my head, my heart or my soul.
Julia
Thank you for taking the time to read & consider these.
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17 thoughts on “A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 85”

  1. Love this Julia!
    “It was a fabric of my imagination, & all that I wanted it to be”.
    The anger and shock of realisation, the longing, the pain, and the wrestling with cognitive dissonance, you described it well.
    Thank you.

  2. Yes, this is how it feels, so many things one wants to get through to him/her and yet knows it’s useless. Frustration, exhaustion. Eventually, acceptance. Moving on.

  3. Fantastic letter, Julia! It reminds me of all of those draft emails I never sent.

    Sample subject lines: The Battle in Your Head. If I Were Entirely Truthful. What Is Wrong With You Really? Guilt. Affairs and Happiness. Square Peg, Round Hole. Please Let Me Go. Going.

  4. What I love about this site is how much I’ve learned about me. If I’m just learning about narcissism in a man, then I certainly never realized until now that I’d grown up with it in my mother and brother-who I idolized, and I haven’t even started to figure out my father and sister yet.

    I can understand why you narc’s would try to pigeonhole everyone because you all are so incredibly alike, from your behavior patterns to using the exact same words. I’m not sure it works on the rest of us as well, and one thing I’m not sure you realize is that we also feel the same emotions you feel. We also get wounded and react as you do, except we’re not pathological or childish. I also now understand why he said he’d ‘invested’ so much time in me. The spying lieutenants and investigations do take up a lot of time and effort, especially from people who profess that when we are out of sight, we’re out of mind.

    I also realize how much stronger empaths are than narcissists. Your acting’s not as good as you think, it’s highly suspect and questionable, but it’s just that we didn’t know we were living in a world where sadistic, manipulative people were mingled in amongst us. We grew up in that world, and so thought a little weirdness was normal. I was always told our family was better than everyone else’s, I believed that but also noticed I was wanting something better, like in other children’s families. I even asked for those qualities, and was only scoffed at.

    What I’m grateful about from this site is that I’ve found myself, I’ve found my own dysfunction out. If I’d grown up in a normal family, I’m sure I would’ve been that all American kid, soccer player that I wanted to be, and writer that every teacher in every school told me I had the potential to be- my mother shot that and everything else down. Just like my narc now who also tore me down when I succeeded highly at the start of my career- only to fizzle at his blowing it off, like my mother always did. Well, Fuck You all the narcissists in the world. If you were so great,you wouldn’t have to tear down the rest of us.

    I’m grateful to HG and all the commenters on this site, as you are like going to a psychiatrist’s office for a session! Time to free myself from the grubby hands that have been holding me back all these years, and say hello to me.

  5. Excellent letter totally understand … I Supernova’ed he looked, broken, wounded. Received apologies … 48 hours later standard behaviour resumed.

  6. Pingback: A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 85 ⋆ NarcTopia
  7. It occurs to me that the courage it takes to crack open the denial enough to see past what we want to see is staggering.
    Your letter was heartfelt and I could relate on various levels.
    I’ve been meaning to write one of these letters as well but haven’t sensed that I have come to the realizations that seem so clear to you.

    Warmest energy on your adventures of breaking old patterns and finding your truth.

    A.E.S

  8. Keep fluctuating from one letter to the other as my Narc seems to pick me up and drop me weekly. I vehemently stress ‘never again’ to which he agrees. I get left in a state of termoil sometimes and sometimes I realise that this is completely toxic and I deserve better. But everytime he follows a predictable pattern by leaving me almost a week and creeping back in contact. Everytime I feel I will be strong enough to cut his contact short but get sucked in deep.
    I’m a strong woman and I completely understand his manipulation techniques but I keep allowing it to happen.
    My life is very messed up at this point in time (I lost my husband and best friend to a severe brain injury-his Brain is in a vegetative state and my son is due his 4th heart surgery) and he knows how vulnerable I am. I’m easy prey. I’m angry that I allow him any head space as it’s exploding with fear as it is.
    I found out after 10 months of ‘on of’ seeing him what his real name was and from a simple google search that he’d been living with a girlfriend of 7 years!!! I felt sick to my stomach as I’d never knowingly sleep with someone else’s boyfriend. I also found that I was jealous of her?!!! Why??? Because he is such a freakin catch?!!!! How could he do that to her and also lie to me for so long???
    I hit my lowest point when I allowed him over to explain… I slept with him – cried through it for the guilt and shame but it didn’t put him of finishing and enjoying it. I don’t know what I’m doing and am completely brain washed.
    I think he needs an out route from his home as according to him he is not in a sexual relationship with his partner but loves her like a sister and it’s too tough to break off just yet. He says when he is in a financially better place he will break it off.
    I DONT WANT HIM. I want to forget him. I know I only desire him and his breadcrumbs because I’ve been conditioned to.
    I really need help shaking him off.
    He says that he has said his goodbye for good as he knows this situation he is in is something I will never cope with but I know give it a week he will be in contact again -“just to see how I am as he is worried”
    I’m not strong enough for the full no contact 😭
    I’ve so much on and to top it off I can’t eat or sleep when stressed. I’m making myself physically and mentally ill.

    1. You are on the right path, please believe in yourself. Everyone has their own tempo and maybe you just need a little more time for the full No Contact. I think it’s important not just to feel like a victim. I was quite weak too when the hoover started: I cared for my mother who was slowly dying from cancer. It has happened a lot, too much to explain it here, but now I can say in retrospect: This overwhelming portion of love in the golden period was so important to me, I just needed it urgently. I would not have needed the stupid lies and the cheating, but in the final settlement it is good. It still hurts sometimes, but I never want to go back. Maybe this is your way too.

      1. Thank you x
        I hope I will be strong and cut him out completely. Another google search today showed a picture of his live in girlfriend with an engagement ring on. I’m horrified. I was threatened with revenge porn if I got in contact with her.

      1. Yes, windstorm, that`s an important point. RG, take every help you can get! I have been meeting a psychologist for about six months now (once a week). She forces mich to think more about myself than about him oder what he is doing. HG helps a lot, too. It takes time and patience, but in the end there is no alternativ – you have to get rid of this damned conditioning system.

    2. I don’t know where else to put this..

      RG, you do, what you need to do, for YOU.

      Always remember, you don’t need anyone’s approval. You don’t need anyone’s permission and you never need a reason

      This is *your* life – live it how you want, and make certain you are happy, safe, and content.

      Love yourself and make sure you are top priority in your life. There is no guarantees that anyone else will do this, so it is up to you!

      Blessings xx

  9. The heart wants what it wants

    Selena Gomez

    Never again
    Why never again?
    Memory has a power as real as thine

    Charlotte Bronte

  10. This reminded me of Selena Gomez’s song, “The Heart Wants What It Wants”. Definitely about a narcissistic relationship. I presume with Justin Bieber.

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