Blind or Stupid?
We love to triangulate. Three is the magic number. You, me and someone else or something else. Another victim? A competitor? A loyal lieutenant? A fresh prospect? An imaginary individual? A threatened event? An inanimate object? There are so many combinations of triangulation that are available to us and each has their own advantages and rewards for their application for us. In this equation there will always be us, there will always be you and then there will be third party.
One of our effective manipulative triangulations involves the “normals”. These are people who are neither empathic or narcissistic but people who are generally decent, sensible and largely kind who may be supporters of yours, they may be members of our façade but whatever they are they are not you and they are not us. These are the people who you turn to when you can no longer stand what is happening to you. When you cannot understand what is going on.
When the confusion becomes overwhelming. When you begin to sense something is not quite right. You turn to these normal in the hope of them helping you, understanding your plight and/or offering some insight. This is rarely achieved because you are met with responses which leave you wondering whether the person you have just spoken to is blind or stupid. Here are ten instances of this in action.
- I don’t believe it
Victim – “He is horrible to me, he never lets me do anything on my own anymore, he shouts and calls me awful names.”
Normal – “Really? I just can’t see Nigel behaving like that, he is always so lovely and friendly whenever I see him. I cannot believe he would do that.”
- Are You Bringing It On Yourself?
V – “I am sick of him controlling me. I try and assert myself, you know, lay down some boundaries, but he is always telling me to shut up and calm down and doing what he wants without any consideration for me.”
N – “Well you have always been feisty my dear, maybe you are provoking him and that’s why he is behaving that way. I don’t mean to be unkind but you do have a bit of temper you know.”
- Not This Again
V- “He has done it again. Disappeared. I have been ringing him on the hour every hour and he won’t answer. I don’t know what it is. I mean, everything seemed okay when we got up this morning, he smiled and asked me if I wanted a cup of tea (cue detailed analysis of every word and interaction thereafter)
N – Glazes over, thinks to themselves “Not this again. I am bored of hearing this. They will be talking again by tomorrow. She worries over nothing.”
- I Feel Sorry for Him
V – “So he did this, then that, then this again and he always does this you know. He is horrible, Horrible I tell you. I don’t know what to do. Oh he did this as well and some more of that.”
N – Thinks to themselves “I feel sorry for him putting up with someone so neurotic as her. No wonder he clears off for a few days, probably needs the peace and quiet.”
- Someone Is Exaggerating
V – “No word of a lie, he locked me in the bedroom and threatened to burn the house down with me inside and I heard him laughing as he said this to me. I am so scared of him. He keeps threatening to kill me. He rings me at work and comments about how my brakes are dodgy and laughs and puts the ‘phone down.”
N – Thinks to themselves “Sure he does, nobody goes on like that, I do like my friend but she is something of an attention seeker. Every other day there is one of these stories.”
- I Don’t Think So
V – “So he said that if I didn’t do it he would tell everybody in the church that I was sleeping with the vicar and he would post pictures of me on the internet.”
N – “Who Norman? No way, he is such a solid and respectable man. I don’t think he would ever do anything like that. No, I have known him years, he would never do anything like that.”
- He Did Say She Was Crazy
V – “He hides my purse so I cannot go out, he tells me what I can and cannot eat, he won’t allow me more than a minute in the shower and stands watching me while I wash. He follows me around the house and keeps staring at me, I can even feel him watching me when I manage to slip out for a while. I know he is following me.”
N- Thinks to themselves “It’s just as Neil predicted. He said she was losing her mind and coming out with all these fantastic stories. He is genuinely worried about her and I can see why now. Poor thing. Poor him too.”
- Ups and Downs
V – “He sometimes doesn’t speak to me for days on end. He just sits and sulks and ignores me. It is horrible. I hate it.”
N- “Oh that’s just men for you. They all do that at some point. It’s part of the ups and downs of being in a relationship, just ignore it and get on with your day, he will soon come round, you will see.”
- Don’t Involve Me
V- “Hi it’s me, can I come round to see you. I need to talk to someone. He is doing it again. He has spent the last two hours shouting at me and throwing plates around the kitchen. I am sick of this, I cannot cope.”
N – “I’d love to help but I er, have an appointment. Look I have to go; I will call you later” – I’m not getting drawn into their domestic dramas I have my own life to look after.
- I Haven’t a Clue
V- (After lengthy description of a catalogue of odd and strange behaviour) “So what do you think, what should I do? I cannot go on like this.”
N- “I don’t know what to say really, I can’t work out why he would be lovely with you one week and then awful the next, it does add up. Perhaps if you sat down together and tried to work things out.” (I haven’t a clue what is going on here.)
Not once does the “normal” turn to you and say,
“You are being abused by a disordered person.”
Or
“You have been ensnared by a narcissist.”
Instead when you describe the behaviour to a “normal” you are met with one or more of the responses detailed above. We know this will be the case. We know it will leave you hurt, bewildered and lacking the help and insight you so desperately need. Why do people respond like this?
- Lack of knowledge. Fortunately for our kind few people really know what we are and what we do.
- We don’t walk around with a sign around our neck stating “I am an abusive narcissist”. We blend in. People think the psychopaths and sociopaths appear like some crazed axe-murderer. We do not.
- People although kind are not empathic like you. Therefore, there is a limit to the time and resource they will apply to assisting you. People are inward looking and care more about their own lives than yours.
- The façade. Our charm and magnetism has people believing us to be wonderful and decent people. That façade is hard to shatter.
- Your coping abilities are eroded and you are worn out. This makes you appear unhinged, hysterical and thus in keeping with the image that we have spread around that you are The Crazy One.
- A Quiet Life. People do not like conflict. They want people to get on and do not want to become involved in other people’s problems.
- Behind Closed Doors. People always take the view that there are two sides to every story. They will listen to you but they will think there is likely to be some explanation which means it is not as bad as you are making it out to be. You are provoking the abuser, you are making it up, you are being too sensitive and taking things the wrong way. The “normal” thinks life may be different behind closed doors.
- People want other people to get on and therefore in order to try to preserve the peace they will suggest that the behaviour is not as bad as has been suggested and pressure the victim to go home and sort things out, unaware it is not something that can be sorted out by having a chat and a cup of tea.
- The tales of abuse and awful treatment seem far-fetched that the “normal” cannot believe them. They have no experience of it and combined with the existence of the façade just cannot see how someone could behave in this way.
All of this results in you trying to persuade people without success which becomes all the more frustrating and distressing for you. Naturally, we know fine well how people will respond to your protestations and the lack of understanding and knowledge about our kind allows us to blend in, move freely around and continue to behave in this manner with impunity. You are left wondering if the listener is blind or stupid. They are not stupid. But they are blinded to what we really are.
Just like you were as well.
19 thoughts on “Blind or Stupid?”
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This explains a lot for me, thank you again HG.
Separately, but related to triangulation I’m guessing open relationships and polyamory are good hunting grounds too?
They are.
Thank you HG.
Another question I meant to ask on this post HG.
1. Are normals more likely to be the ones dismissing the empaths concerns in the above scenarios, rather than another empath? That would be sense to me but not sure I’m right ..?
Yes.
Flipping heck, HG. My mind is blown multiple times a day here! Thank you.
I had a friendship group blow up years ago.. me, two Ns and an unknown (but not N). I’d presumed the unknown was an empath as she was more codependent with the narcs than me, but I’m thinking a normal now. Crikey. That explains it.
1. So am I right that a normal could be higher in codependency and more “in the FOG” than an empath? Their excusing of the empath tracks with being in the fog but the codependency surprises me.
This person I think got off on the fact we all our her on a pedestal a bit, and the narcs obviously liked her as she did more of what they wanted than I did… It all blew up towards me not being compliant enough anymore, she defended them. More fool her.
There is a categorisation of Codependent Empath but codependency is not exclusive to the empath.
“All this results in you trying to persuade people without success, which becomes increasingly frustrating and distressing for you. Naturally, we know finely how people will respond to your protests, and the lack of understanding and knowledge about our kind allows us to blend in, move freely around, and continue to behave in this manner with impunity. You are left wondering if the listener is blind or stupid. They are not stupid. But they are blinded to what we really are.”
This is one of the main tragedies.
I repeatedly wanted to transfer to a different group. But my friends in the study group told me the following:
“You’re above this.”
“Who is he that you should transfer to another group because of him?”
“Do you understand that you’re simply running away from problems? They need to be solved. Your departure is an escape. Then life will constantly throw similar situations at you until you find a solution.”
“Everyone treats you with respect; you are a role model for many.”
“Everyone expects you to behave differently.”
“Why should you transfer? You’re not alone, you have me. Together we can handle him.”
“Just don’t react to him, that’s all. I don’t care about him.”
“Just don’t talk to him, that’s all.”
“What do you even see in him? Don’t take him seriously!”
And so on.
There was no support. Not at home, not in the group.
They thought I was “just exaggerating.”
Little consolation, perhaps, but at least it was something. We had a conversation at the end where he said it wouldn’t have helped and wouldn’t have changed anything.
“Just like you were as well.”
Well, not anymore?) We are learning thanks to you, H.G.
The realization came too late. But better “late” than “never.”
Hello Josephina,
Have you got EDC results ? If it’s not secret, please can you share whether you are an empath or not?
Results are subject to confidentiality.
Hi Arya0901, do you think I’m an empath or not?
I think I’m late to the party because I have no idea what’s she’s talking about.
Well I guess I’m stupid because I’m confused.
Hi Josephina,
Great comment! I can relate to all of the things people said to you.
A number of times, people would say to me, “Don’t take it personally” or “Don’t take it to heart.”
Yeah, ok … because they wouldn’t take it personally or take it to heart either, haha.
I think people believe they are being encouraging, but deep down I think it’s really the case that they are more concerned that they themselves are not the one who is in that position.
(H.G. This can be published as a corrected version)
WiserNow, thank you!
Yes, I understand why they said what they did — because they genuinely believed it. But also:
1) Because they were following their own interests and didn’t grasp the full scale of the disaster for me. For example, my friend genuinely wanted me to stay with her and not go anywhere. No, she didn’t wish me harm. But she didn’t want us to part ways. And she truly believed he wasn’t an obstacle.
2) Whatever they had said, I don’t think it would have really helped.
I tried to take action more than once, but my narcissist always managed to turn the situation the way he needed (well, “rehabilitated” himself, if you can even call it that).
3) On the other hand, I sometimes think: to see the whole picture, you need to step back. It’s like a football match — when you’re a spectator, you can see the game, but when you’re on the field, you just don’t realize what’s happening. Yet there were people who did see what was going on… but no one ever told me “Run.” He would switch his façade on and off constantly (towards everyone in the group). In fact, the only person who could have told someone “Run” was me — but he was controlling me.
I chalk it up to the fact that we were all young and couldn’t really band together, or at least shine a light on it properly.
I think that’s what makes narcissistic abuse so frightening — it’s so insidious that from the outside it can look like “there’s no problem at all.”
Yes, and ordinary people — even many specialists, psychotherapists — stigmatize victims of abuse, saying things like, “Well, she brought it on herself. If she didn’t like it, she would have left long ago.” People often come to me from other therapists and tell me the monstrous things their “specialists” have said to them.
I remember one time my groupmate friend said — we were sitting there: me, her, and my ex-narcissist. She said: “Josephine, you have such a strong character. You’re a strong person. And he is too. You both are. So I don’t even know how you’ll manage with each other.”
Well, we wouldn’t have managed.
Sometimes I get “news from the front.” Not for a long time now — I cut off the source to avoid triggering memories. But my friend, who’s friends with his wife (we all studied together), told me that his mother abuses her and that poor girl puts up with it.
And then I think, he made the right choice not to pick me. I wouldn’t have tolerated it. I would have bashed his psychopathic mother to death with a frying pan (for everything she did to him) — and probably him too.
I can endure for a long time, but at some point there’s a so-called “point of no return” (He used to call it “the point of no return, after which I don’t care about the consequences.” Mine is, of course, more civilized, but it’s also “no sugar”) after that, lights out.
The truth is, not only did he torment me, but I tormented him too.
If you look at him under a magnifying glass, he’s just an extremely selfish creature. So selfish it evokes only two emotions — disappointment and disgust.
I loved him. I hated him.
I’m glad that Higher Forces saved him from me.
And me from him 🙂
Honestly, you have to be a complete idiot to lose someone like me. But apparently, that’s who he is.
And if I listen to the other part of me — I’m actually grateful that he let me go (if it was really him who did it).
“Josephine, we’ll have a family together, right? And seven kids?”
“You’re not going to treat me like that, are you?”
He didn’t.
Let him rest in peace in my head.
Hi Josephina,
You have described the ‘push – pull’ dynamic well.
I’m glad you got away. It sounds like you have some ‘super’ traits.
“Whatever they had said, I don’t think it would have really helped.”
It’s interesting that your so-called ‘friends’ directed all of their well-meaning advice to you instead of directing it to the narcissist. They obviously saw and recognised what was happening, therefore they could see that the narcissist was manipulative and abusive towards you.
From their comments and advice, it was clear that they thought you needed to change. Meanwhile, your ‘friends’ gave the narcissist a free pass. They enabled him and allowed him to continue his abuse.
“There was no support. Not at home, not in the group.
They thought I was “just exaggerating.” ”
Your friends don’t sound like friends, Josephina.
They sound like cowards and hypocrites.
Hello WiserNow! Thank you for your response, I really appreciate it.
Hi Josephina,
Thanks for this comment and sharing this. I got lots of gold from it that I’ve highlighted…
1. “Because they were following their own interests and didn’t grasp the full scale of the disaster for me.”
I think that’s so true. I’ve had a couple of people have my back in life (one is my husband luckily) but it’s so important to do this for each other when we can…
2. “Honestly, you have to be a complete idiot to lose someone like me. But apparently, that’s who he is.”
LOVE THIS 👏👏👏 I have a feeling you’re tapping into something powerful recently with these comments…
3. “I chalk it up to the fact that we were all young and couldn’t really band together, or at least shine a light on it properly.
I think that’s what makes narcissistic abuse so frightening — it’s so insidious that from the outside it can look like “there’s no problem at all.”
Yes, and ordinary people — even many specialists, psychotherapists — stigmatize victims of abuse, saying things like, “Well, she brought it on herself. If she didn’t like it, she would have left long ago.” People often come to me from other therapists and tell me the monstrous things their “specialists” have said to them.”
I really get this. I work in the mental health field with young people and make sure I validate any of this type of thing for them and lead them the right way if appropriate. I’ve had many useless therapists say such ill informed and invalidating things that I try to be the opposite for others.
4. Yet there were people who did see what was going on… but no one ever told me “Run.” He would switch his façade on and off constantly (towards everyone in the group). In fact, the only person who could have told someone “Run” was me — but he was controlling me.
It’s hard realising others didn’t help but I agree, often we’re the only person that can do anything but we’re being controlled.
Great comment.
Jade
Hi Jade, thank you for your response! I’m glad it was helpful.
“I work in the mental health field with young people and make sure I validate any of this type of thing for them and lead them the right way if appropriate. I’ve had many useless therapists say such ill informed and invalidating things that I try to be the opposite for others”.
Oh, great — we can say we’re colleagues!💖