The Narcissist´s Understanding and Use of Tears – Part Three



Hitherto I have mentioned how I have learned to mimic the expressions of upset and pain in order to force tears to flow for the purposes of drawing sympathy and getting my own way. I have witnessed the tears that appear as a consequence of pride, admittedly an alien sensation to me and it is whilst I raise this point that I turn to another aspect where tears are seen. Joy.

The earliest time that I remember seeing tears of joy was when I was at university. One of my girlfriends at that time was a young lady called Trish. It was during the early stage of my seduction of Trish that her birthday arrived. I think we had been seeing one another for a couple of months and along came her birthday. I was keen to impress and ensure that the delightful and vivacious Trish remained bonded to me. Back then I did not know that she gave me fuel, I only knew that she was kind and attentive and that I relished being with her because she looked at me with her round blue eyes as if nobody else in the world mattered to her. It was always an edifying experience.

I purchased a beautiful silver necklace, set with a delicate arrangement of small diamonds around a larger sapphire, which reminded me of her eyes, from Tiffany and Co. I knew this would impress her. Elegant, expensive and scintillating. She could not fail to be delighted with this gift. On the evening of her birthday I took her to dinner in one of the university city’s restaurants. Just her and I. I wanted her undivided attention on this special day. Since what I came to now as the golden period remained intact there was no need to upstage her on her birthday or cause her to be upset by forgetting about it as I have done with so many others since. I can still picture her sat across the table from me, by the window, her sky blue dress and her slender shoulders on display, shoulders that I would always kiss tenderly and cause her to tremble in anticipation. Her eyes shone with excitement as she knew a gift awaited her and I felt her excitement as it flowed over me, it was especially edifying. I had arranged for the waiter to bring the gift over once we had finished our meal and I watched him approach from the corner of my eye as I continued to look at Trisha, both of us smiling. The waiter placed the green-blue box with the white ribbon in front of Trish and she pulled at the ribbon, letting it fall as she lifted the lid on the box and then looked at the contents with her mouth falling open. She lifted the necklace from the box as it glinted and it was then that I saw her eyes were welling with tears. Her mouth was still open, caught between a gasp and wanting to say something but her eyes were filled with tears. I watched as she stared at the jewellery, the sapphire spinning and flashing as it caught the various lights, both candle and electric in the restaurant.

“Don’t you like it?” I asked puzzled at her reaction. A tear trickled down her cheek.

“Oh HG, I love it, it is so beautiful. Thank you, thank you so much. It is the best gift that I have ever received.”

“Why are you crying then?” I asked perplexed. Her words seemed genuine to me, laden with appreciation and thanks, but the appearance of tears cast some doubt on this. It was important to me to ensure that she was delighted and thrilled with the gift that I had purchased for her.

“Because I am so pleased with what you have given me, I’m not upset,” she said smiling as she gave a short self-deprecating laugh and brushed the tear away although it was soon replaced by another.

“These are tears of joy, happiness, I am so overwhelmed,” she explained.

I remember the surge that arose as she told me this. I had heard of people crying tears of happiness but I had never seen it. I was naturally pleased that she was so delighted with my gift but what I remember most about that evening was the effect on me. Once it was confirmed that these were indeed tears of joy, the sensation that shot through me was immense. I had made someone cry because they were so happy, so joyous and so delighted. I had only ever previously seen the tears that came from pain, misery, upset and chastisement and this was something new.

“You like it then?” I asked.

“I love it. Oh I love it so much, you are a wonderful boyfriend, thank you,” she gushed, effusive in her delight.

That moment, when I first witnessed tears of joy has always remained with me. Not only because of how it made me feel, how powerful and invigorated I felt that I had made someone cry in circumstances which I had never witnessed before. New ground was broken that evening. It also, however stayed with me because I have never shed tears of joy myself. Indeed, I often got Trisha to recount to me how she actually feltas she opened the box and looked on the gift. She articulated the sensations which washed over her, a sense of amazement, disbelief at first and then a warmth which spread across her.

“It was as if an angel had touched my heart,” she explained, “and I just felt really happy, really delighted at how the person I love the most had chosen something so special for me. It made me feel wanted, special but above all I felt elevated, you know, as if I had been lifted up.”

“Did you feel powerful?” I asked her.

“No, not that, just excited, with a jittery sensation in my stomach but not from nervousness but from being so happy and pleased.”

Ever since then when I achieved my superlative examination results, when I received various job offers, when I have been promoted or a recipient of industry awards or accolades I have never felt the joyous sensation that Trish spoke of. Indeed, I recall when a job offer arrived through the post I read it and did not feel anything as I read the words offering me the position, couched as they were in a straight-forward and business-like manner. The only thing I felt was the sense of anticipation at the reaction of my then girlfriend when I telephoned her to tell the good news. It was her response that I was looking forward to which made me actually feel something. When she squealed down the phone and congratulated me, it was then that I felt the familiar power surge as my achievement was recognised. I was not able to feel that as I read the emotion free letter on my own, I needed the interface with another.

Thus when I have stood on a stage and accepted an award after being voted number one in my industry and the generous applause is ringing in my ears and I shake the hands of the representatives of the award sponsors and smile at their “congratulations”, “well dones” and “thoroughly deserveds” I have felt that familiar surge of power, but nothing akin to what Trish described for me. There is no joy. There are no tears of joy.

I revel in bringing forth those tears of joy for other people during my seduction of them. Indeed, I must always try to achieve this because the power that arises from knowing I have achieved this is considerable. To move someone to tears as a consequence of happiness is power indeed. It still fascinates me. Whilst I of course draw fuel from the tears of upset and frustration and they are potent indeed, they do not hold the same fascination for me as witnessing those tears of joy. I saw tears of sadness and upset many times in the past and understood how to bring that forth, but the experience of seeing those tears of joy was quite the revelation to me and all the more fascinating because I am able to cause something in others that I can never feel for myself. Such is the twisted nature of the power that I wield.

16 thoughts on “The Narcissist´s Understanding and Use of Tears – Part Three

  1. R. says:

    What happened to Trish that you are no longer together?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You will learn all about Trish and the Squish in The Asylum of the Grotesque.

  2. Lori says:

    For the first time I actually feel sorry for you.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Don’t bother, it is not needed.

  3. lickemtomorrow says:

    These are wonderful stories for the insight they give, HG.

    “Did you feel powerful?”

    Such an innocent and, in a way, childlike question. The curiosity. Wanting to know if she felt what you felt.

    Also a very touching story.

    The first time I cried tears of joy was when I was about 5 years old. I opened one of the gifts Santa had left, it was a battery operated toy cooker which I never expected to receive. I was overwhelmed that such a precious gift could be mine, there was no expectation of ever receiving it, and as a child had already learnt at the point I was also ‘undeserving’. I can concur with Trish’s expressions of joy and delight. Thank you for sharing that story.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

  4. Veronique Trimble says:

    That desperate and broken thing is definitely my Achilles heel after my marriage ended because I left, because I couldn’t do anything right and constantly being accused of cheating he literally ignored me for 12 months I really tried to make it work I took him back more times than I can count I pushed friends away because they were male and he was so insecure I like to see people happy not sad and try my best to make that happen. I can handle the fury better than this At least with the fury or malignant hoovering I can rationalise that’s him just being an asshole and I’m usually to mad to care but I know only to well what a broken heart feels like and what rejection feels like I am not angry anymore

  5. Eternity says:

    HG, you seem to buy expensive presents. Do you ever ask for them back after the breakup, or do they give them back to you ? I personally would give it back . I dont want something that is meaningless and didn’t come from the heart. Plus you can always give it to your next victim.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No, I do not ask for them back, I am not a Mid Range Narcissist.
      There have been occasional attempts to return gifts, but it is rare.

      1. Eternity says:

        Thank you HG, I didn’t realize that Mid Ranger’s may ask for gifts back. I will then be prepared to give back my entire jewelry box.

        1. lickemtomorrow says:

          This article on item retention might help in terms of giving any gifts the heave-ho, Eternity:

  6. Asp Emp says:

    HG, as you explain that you don’t feel joy, don’t feel sadness (Part 1 & 2 of ‘Use of Tears’ series), nor happiness. It also comes across that your siblings do not seem to be ‘afflicted’ with narcissism. Nor your father. So, why and where does yours come from? Where does your ‘coldness’ come from? What did your mother do to you to create the ‘monster’ in you? (I’m assuming here).

    Yes, ‘natural’ emotions that people are born with can change due to environmental or social circumstances, even a trauma and this can lead to a number of ‘mental health’ and even ‘emotional health’ re-wiring and manifesting itself as Bi-Polar tendencies, or even narcissism (to name but a few conditions). Very rarely people are born with a brain ‘wired’ differently, unless it is genetic and in my case it was.

    The narc I was involved with – both the last ones – seemed to have a ‘love / hate’ relationship with women. Something to do with their mothers. Why is it seemingly the mother?! One narc was born when his mother was 15 years old. He was brought up with his uncles & aunts with his grandparents passing off as his parents – so effectively his mother was a “sister” in the same household. That is surely gonna fk someone up.

    For some reason, these narcs felt they could tell me what had happened to them. At the same time – now, I am thinking, is it true? Is it ‘pity play’ and made up?

    All I know is. At the moment. I can believe myself. Believe in myself.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      See To Control is to Cope.

      1. Asp Emp says:

        Thanks for that HG. Read it. With great interest. And understanding the narcissists in my past. Much appreciated.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You are welcome.

    2. lickemtomorrow says:

      One of your narcs situations sounds just like Ted Bundy, only his mother was older when she had him.

      It surely fkd him up!

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