A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 30

 

Hello my old friend

No need to kneel or strip, the hurt will be of a different kind today. Are you excited? I know Im looking forward to it.

I would ask how you’ve been but then I would have to endure one of your vapid monologues on how important you are and exhausted at having the world upon you.  God you really are a bore. I thought I would never be able to retrieve my eyeballs from up in my skull after another one of your diatribes. You do know that the people who smile, listen, and kiss your ass like you do mine, do so to get what they want and are paid to do so? Well you have nothing of worth to offer me so I am under no such obligation. I told you what you wanted to hear and there was not much truth to any of it, just as you did to me.

Of course Im not being fair. You could choose to start talking about your second favourite subject-your balls. Your fascination with them is mind numbing. They are really but two saggy sacks of expired seed that could not produce a boy and are of no use to anyone. The seed is trapped there for all eternity due to your inability to produce the life altering hard-ons I was promised in the beginning and that you knew you could never deliver. Not that I was really interested. I wanted to excavate your mind, only to be disappointed by the vacuous hole that matches the one where your soul should be. Oh, and the pictures of the injuries to them that you sent me? We both know that is not my work but please do give my compliments to whomever caused them.

It was wonderful in the beginning wasn’t it? I confirmed you were every bit as handsome, intelligent, and god-like as you believe yourself to be. I loved filling you up with the power that allowed you to do the difficult things you must do to keep up the facade because it benefitted others, and kept those who coveted your position at bay. I warned you though not to get nasty-to get that from the others. It was so amusing and completely unnecessary when you swore on your pathetic existence that there were no others. I never cared.

Who knew that when you inevitably did, that I would have armed myself by slogging through all those pages of an ancient Inquiry to find those kernels of shame you thought long buried. It must have stung like that one disparaging remark about your physicality (hand to throat in mock horror) made in a book citing your accolades. How I laughed inside while you struggled to compose yourself and demand to know how I knew these things. You cant say I didn’t warn you.

Oh, and I’ll continue to decline your offer to meet and “leave my brand” on you. We both know thats a trap I wont be falling into as I am not “The One” as you called me, but the treacherous bitch that I really am. But you’ll keep trying-your sickness demands it.

N.A

11 thoughts on “A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 30

  1. Witch says:

    I admire this letter a lot!
    Sometimes I wish I were more calculated but seeing that I’m avoiding narcs anyway, I might not have to be

  2. Truthseeker6157 says:

    NA,

    I had to really think about this. You don’t sound like you here. It knocked me sideways a bit.
    The humour is definitely you, and the piece makes me laugh but I don’t feel you in this if that makes sense? It feels angry, venomous, cold and I don’t see you that way at all. Don’t get me wrong, I can get why your anger would be targeted directly at this narcissist and no where else, it just threw me that’s all!

    I think sometimes, if I could get angry at the narc myself, that might help me get rid of him out of my head for good. I do have a hellish temper when it goes but it very rarely flares. It flares more in defence of others, not myself so much. I’m wondering what you think when you read this now?

    May I ask when this was written?

    1. NarcAngel says:

      Hi TS

      Must have been 2017 as that is the oldest posting listed below this one.

      I hesitate to expand on this too much because although it was my experience and reading it again only made me smile (mostly at the memory of his face when I brought up his kernel of shame), I don’t want people to think revenge is a good idea. It is not, and HG explains why best.

      I am direct but seldom angry (people read me in angry font far too much) and can be quite cold and I suppose venomous in certain situations. My behaviours perhaps not typical of most empaths but formed in response to my lack of controlled environment. I am not a love devotee and do not attach to people easily. I also don’t relate sex to romance. My attitude was formed early on that sex was about power and control so I do not accept a submissive role with regard to sex. I engaged with men not with any romantic or lasting notion in mind but rather (In short) to attempt to get into their head, and yes, they were proxy for SN in the wounding. I did not know that they were narcissists but I knew they were like him and my reasoning was why not relieve myself of any venom I feel and put it where it belongs? – with them and not others. I can tell you that although it satisfied me at the time, that revenge did little in the long run but keep me engaged (and it was a dangerous game). It was emotional thinking. I no longer engage with them in that respect but do have to deal with them (family, socially).

      I have learned so much about narcissists here but even more about myself. That is why I can say HG is absolutely right about revenge. Very few would be able to do it despite thinking they could without getting sucked back in. Once I learned (here) that it had no lasting effect on them (I had thought that showing them how it felt might) I realized there was really no point. They will never change. They can’t. But I could change my attitude towards them and I have with HG’s work and assistance.

      I have teased HG, questioned his reasoning, challenged him (though rarely) on different issues, but have also snorted with laughter at his humour and appreciate both the blunt and the beauty of his writing. I have never questioned his knowledge and his work. It is accurate and life changing. It has changed mine and I respect that he, through creating his own legacy, has changed the lives of many in a positive way and is linking the words abuse and narcissism for the world to finally see. I am forever grateful. These are words that I could never have believed I could write back then about a narcissist and could never have effected through revenge.

      GOSO is the only way and I believe HG is the only one who can help you achieve it.

      1. Truthseeker6157 says:

        NA,

        Thank you for explaining that to me, you sound like you again, x.
        I can understand the temptation of people to exact revenge on their abusers. As you know, I was fortunate growing up but abuse by a parent in any form is the ultimate betrayal in my view, you know my thoughts there, no need to elaborate. I can see the thinking behind your exacting revenge on other narcissists as an outlet. I am also glad though that with additional understanding you elected to take a safer path for yourself. Make a difference where you can make a difference, and you do.

        I have never read you as angry or cold on the blog, frustrated at times perhaps, but discussing difficult subject matter does that to us all. Just this one time, when I read this letter you felt different. I’m glad I asked, now I understand why.
        I like the banter between you and HG. It’s funny but always respectful on both sides. It’s very clear that you support HG’s work. It’s also very clear that you are testimony to its effectiveness. He can’t have all the credit though. Strength is strength and your recovery is inspiration for us all.

      2. Sweetest Perfection says:

        NA, I found this letter humorous, which is something I have always admired in your comments, but I find your advice to TS more insightful. I am sorry if I am interrupting the thread but your words spoke to me for the reason I’ll explain below. You are totally right about revenge, it’s tempting. It’s probably gonna give you some instant gratification, but it won’t last and it will end up making you feel guilty and dirty. I say this because I have recently found out some sensitive information that puts me in the position of having the power to ruin my narc’s life forever. I struggled to make a decision. I knew if I used this, everything he has built around himself, his work, his marriage, would be destroyed in a question of minutes. I have thought about it for a while and even got nervous about the possibility of executing my plan. I decided I can’t. I don’t have it in me. I can’t ruin a person’s life no matter how much he hurt me. I try to imagine myself in his situation and the amount of pain would be indescribable, I can’t do that to anyone. At least, I find strength in thinking that I have that power, and I have decided not to use it. Sometimes I secretly wish someone else found the same information and didn’t have the same scruples I have, but whatever happens, it won’t be my problem anymore.

        1. NarcAngel says:

          Hi SweetP
          I’m glad you decided against it as I did when it came to the actions that are more likely to effect collateral damage than to the narcissist themselves. You can change their immediate circumstances for a bit but they do not stop being a narcissist so really what’s the point? I can attest to the adverse affects for a child living in a home where a narcissist has lost his job for instance. Far worse for the child or spouse than the narcissist and I know that is not what you want to achieve as revenge. We tend to focus on the narcissist and forget there are other victims It won’t make you feel better in the long run. Knowing you have choice (as you point out) is enough when you consider that they are driven by their condition and you are free to decide. It doesn’t feel like that now but in time it will when you consider the cost to others and to yourself.

          You are making the right decision.

          1. lickemtomorrow says:

            Tempting as it is to get your ‘pound of flesh’, I would have to agree. And my first consideration wouldn’t be the narcissist, but those around him. It will, of necessity, play out on them, so I would put them front and centre for the purposes of making a decision. The narcissist doesn’t deserve any pity, but those around him are deserving of our sympathy.

            Difficult situation, and I know I’d get a real sense of satisfaction to drag my narc through the mud in the same circumstances. At the same time I know in the long run that sense of satisfaction would wane once I saw the fallout. I just don’t think we empaths have it in us to do it because we aren’t narcs and our consciences would get in the way. We’d end up feeling worse.

            It’s not always easy to make the right decision, but I agree with NA, Sweetest Perfection. You are doing the right thing and it also maintains your no contact regime. Getting you out of that space and back to a much safer place for your own benefit. What benefits the narcissist or not shouldn’t concern you any more.

            You’ve paid your dues. He’ll pay his eventually.

            Hopefully you can resolve it in your own mind to your satisfaction x

          2. Sweetest Perfection says:

            Thank you, lickemtomorrow. Yes, I don’t wanna go all Shylock on him. He doesn’t even have a heart that I could hurt anyway.

          3. Sweetest Perfection says:

            Thanks, NA. It is complicated, though. I was not planning “revenge” in order to get vindictive for what happened between us, in actuality I don’t feel much for him anymore, other than some pity that he is just a hologram, and some compassion for his poor wife for putting up with a spoilt child with no taste in clothes and a premature ejaculation problem. My dilemma was actually based on ethics and my strong sense of justice. He deserves to be exposed. What I found out is totally unethical and it bothers me that had I or any other person incurred in the same fault, it would not take but one minute for someone else to report me. That’s why I have been struggling inside. I don’t want to carry that weight, though.

  3. Asp Emp says:

    “your second favourite subject-your balls” – hilarious!

    Loved this letter, absolutely brilliant.

  4. Kim e says:

    Bravfuckingo

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