Forever Wrong Upon The Throne
It is late.
The time is somewhere between the witching hour and when the devil stalks the land yet the pull of slumber has yet to be felt. The darkness envelopes me with only the silver burnish of moonlight to pick out the objects around me and ensure they retain some familiarity.
It is cold but I do not object, content to sit with the window open and allow the night air to infiltrate my domain. The cold touch of the darkness soothes me and a calm has settled upon my person. I am sat, alone, yet I have no concerns, for the day has proved fruitful, as always, in my quest for fuel. Although not sated I am neither in desperate need nor bloated from my repeated extractions.
There is room for more, there is always room for more but I do not feel that driving need to acquire more. Instead the stillness and the calm engulf me as I sit here and look out from my elevated situation, through the wide open window and across the garden and the fields beyond.
My still alert eyes detect no movement of beast nor breeze. The trees still as if in silent salute. The birds that so often fly past are nested for the night and in the distance the intermittent hoot of an owl is a reminder that although I am sat alone there is still something out there. It is at times like this, when the freneticism has subsided, the hurly burly of the day’s cut and thrust has given way to this rare and unusual state that I remember.
My gaze remains steady as I look out across those undulating fields, fields so similar to the ones that we used to run through didn’t we? Where are you? Where are you now?
Why are you not sat beside me, king and queen like we used to when we planned our lives all that times ago? You must forgive me. I have not thought of you as often or as deeply as I ought to have done but I have been about other things.
I know you understand. I know you recognise that the demands made upon me would be beyond others and that I must attend to those demands. I know that you realise that to dwell too often would leave me weakened and that must not happen but moments such as these, when I find myself feeling freed of my burden then I am able to reach out to you, wherever you may be.
Although I do not often permit it, you remain etched into my memory and I know with the certainty that the world will not stop spinning, that you will always reside in my memory. Yet, I must confess, that is not enough. Should a moment or an instance bring to the surface an element of our past I am bound to push it away, cast it deep into the recesses of my mind and place it behind bolted door and fearsome gate.
There is not hope for me to do anything else, for to indulge in recollection at such times would distract me too greatly from my endeavours. I know I ought not to do it but I must do so. For such moments I am moved to seek your forgiveness from your benevolent self in the full knowledge that I am told that I deserve none.
It is now when I sit on this chair and besides yours, ‘our thrones’ as we once called them, that I am able to allow your memory to consume me. I reach out with my hand and expect that somehow I will feel your cool hand slide into mine just one more time yet there is nothing.
Just that absence that has remained constant no matter how hard I labour to fill it. We would sit side by side wouldn’t we and look out across those fields through which we ran to our secret places, those sanctuaries and idylls dotted throughout our kingdom?
We issued our declarations as one, formulated our ordinances of governance for the betterment of our subjects and did so with great gladness. Do I miss doing so together or have I just been conditioned to believe that I miss it?
Where are you? Why will you only show yourself as memory ? Why will you not come back to me ? You could do so, even if as a shade to haunt me as I sit amidst this encompassing darkness. Do you remain distant from me to punish , joining the legions of the traitorous? Have they turned you against me? Perhaps you do and I am told that such punishment is only right for one such as I.
I know myself for what I am and I seek to purge that which grips me each and every day through the frenzied application to my endeavours in the hope that they will allow me to be granted absolution and you will return. I swear, I swear by all that I am, I would accept these labours at a tenfold if only to see you once again, hear your voice and look upon you as you take my hand as you always did. We joined as one and we were better for it were we not? Come back to me? Return. Sit beside me once again and let us find that which we once had and should always have.
I sit in the darkness as I say these thoughts aloud, my low and steady voice seeming distant and disembodied. I pause and wait expecting you to answer but there is no response.
Come back to me because for all that I have done and for all that I am about to do, without you I will sit forever wrong upon the throne.
And I must be right.
55 thoughts on “Forever Wrong Upon The Throne”
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Either you are wrong about what is wrong or you are wrong about what is right.
Indeed that may be the narcissistic dilemma. It may also be the empathetic dilemma.
Some common ground perhaps?
I feel as devoid as to when my dog died in August last year….. how narcissistic is that or how more narcissistic can I be?….
I *just* understood what this is about. Surprised I didn’t see it sooner.
Can you explain it to me?? Just kidding, I’ll figure it out in time…😃
BC30, I think I have figured it out! Thank you for your help, all the pieces are coming together now!
Really? Hooray! Did you have another peek at the KHG blog? I’ve not been in a while. I’m falling behind!
Not the KHG blog, it was Winning Path’s question and HG’s reply on this thread that put the final piece into place. And then, it was tied in with the interview, it is so important to look at it through the narcissist’s lens, not mine. I wanted it to be love, because that is what I would want but absolutely the wrong perspective. I think this is a lesson that will stick with me. Thank you so much for helping me figure it out!
HG –
It sounds like amongst all of your conquests, you are regretful of one that got away. If that is correct, do you think it is merely because she escaped before you were done with her; or do you think that through the benefit of hindsight, you view her as one that might have been worth changing your ways for (by finding some middle ground; communicating better; finding ways to avoid frustration and boredom; helping her to understand how to better interact with you or deal with your needs and your triggers; etc.)?
There is no regret.
HG – If not regret, what would you call it? Is there a different word you would use to describe the sentiment that seems to be expressed in what you have written in Forever Wrong Upon The Throne?
The assertion of control.
When I first read HG’s response, I was perplexed. Then it dawned on me that all this time I was confusing the “assertion” of control with the “exertion” of control. (I’ll admit, blonde moments do happen to me from time to time.) The assertion of control refers to the narcissist claiming, or convincing himself, that he is in control, as opposed to actually exerting, or wielding, control. Although, the assertion of control can result in the exertion of control.
Winning Path, I was so stuck on the love thinking that control never even dawned on me! I will need to try viewing these articles from the narcissist’s needs in the future, not what I would put on that scene or situation. In the interview, HG talks about how we don’t view things from their perspective, but rather our own and while this is natural, now I will, hopefully, be able to remember to look at it through their lens/worldview/perspective…whatever. Thank you again!
Winning Path, thank you for asking this! It is the final piece I was missing! Thank you, now I can sleep again, haha!
This sounds like love.
There are many kinds of love.
Yeah, but only one that is real and it cannot be the one this sounds like coming from HG. This is such a beautifully written article I think I want it to be true love, the good, real kind.
Correct. You’ll see. 💗
Aaarrrgggg, when????? Haha, I literally think about this article as I’m falling asleep at night!!!
Only one kind of romantic love, I should have qualified.
The title is a line from a poem, check it out. Also, HG is one of the very, very few Ns who can remember what I like to call the “Before Time.” Remember that Ns are made, not born.
Tap, tap, tap, processing…I love poetry but it does not love me sometimes…HG remembers…processing…
Thank you for the hints, you’ll be the first to know once I figure it out, after HG of course. But, it may be a while…:)
Hi BC30, after purchasing and reading the 20 Million – Q&A 21st June 2020 your reminder of the “Before Time” came to my mind. Thank you, I think I had the wrong person in mind for this article. I will be becoming more involved with the KHG series soon I think as it now seems the appropriate time. Yes, they are made, this is causing a few questions to appear for me. Thank you BC30.
A Victor,
Have you checked out the Knowing HG series or forum?
If you obsess about this article, you may find KHG sheds some light – or intensifies your obsession – haha!
Yes, Who Cares, I have listened to all but the last one. I will re-listening or read through them again with this in mind. I know who he is referring to and I know about the escape. I have always thought there was a soft spot for that one, except that I know HG doesn’t have any soft spots in his personality, therefore, what is it that is there?
Thank you for pointing me in this direction, very much, I will revisit.
There are further revelations in the KHG forum, A Victor – although, it would require a lot reading to get up to speed on them.
WhoCares, I went there once and realized how overwhelming it was, it is on the back burner until I get other things down more firmly. I do look forward to it at some point though, especially if I don’t yet have this article figured out! Thank you again!
No problem A Victor, the forum is a bit overwhelming, yes.
I’ll be there at some point!! Never fear! I enjoy a good mystery/game.
Where is this forum. WhoCares?
Hi Sarah,
The forum is here:
https://narcsite.com/2020/01/30/knowing-hg-discussion-forum/
But I believe that you need to purchase the “Knowing HG” series, parts one through four, to gain access to it.
AV, I understand what you are saying and I wonder if you are feeling the effects of learning about narcissism and how you are affected by it. When you say “I want it to be true love, the good, real kind” – I get it. It’s almost as if our past ‘relationships’ have been based on a false ‘reality’, when in my view, it wasn’t, because that is what we learned during that time. I miss it too….. I woke up this morning feeling ‘down’ and I suppose the grey skies are not helping – I would have liked a hug and a ‘I love you’ words. It’s been so long now. I’ll stop at this point before I go too deep…… I just wanted to let you know I understand your thinking.
Aw, Asp Emp, sending hugs to you, I know the virtual ones are not the same. And, I am not a handsome man. But, I do understand that longing very well, I miss it too. I hope your day perks up!
AV, thank you for the hug. Yeah, I left the house earlier, did the ‘essential’ trip out and felt better by the time I had done that. Thank you.
WhoCares, thank you!
Oh good grief, BC30, I am not stating my thoughts well, one kind of romantic love that is real and healthy. Many other kinds of love, healthy and not, which, imo, is not really love then. Sorry HG, I’ll try to get it together.
you’re an asshole
And yet you are the one reading my work and I am not reading yours.
Yep, and you’re the toilet paper he uses to wipe that asshole with!
Laughing….. I think HG has more finesse than that 😉
Stop contradicting yourself!
HA! you’re looking for what? looser women that want your advise?
No, someone who can at least spell.
Dunc,
The last one of your kind that shuffled in here was far more original than you.
I understand Dunc´s full name is Dunc Anne Disorderly.
Are Lizzie and Dunc the same person, writing under different names?
Yes.
Thought that was the case. Such charming comments he/she left!
That’s definitely one of yours. (laughing)
They fly in and then they fly out again TS. Honestly now I find them nothing but boring and predictable.
Exactly FMIT and illiterate! Must be a lower lesser that is coming along and trying to show they have no cognitive function whatsoever.
Yes, FM1T, they’re called ‘seagulls’ – fly in, eat s**t, squawk s**t and crap everywhere before flying off again…..
“shuffled”, TS….. laughing…..
I don’t think any man likes women who are not ‘tight’, cos it gives better friction…..
BTW, I think your ‘name’ is missing an ‘E’ on the end……
So your kind feels SOMEWHERE deeply but this entity will not allow feelings to be a deciding factor in their personality or in their cognition?