MatriNarc
Both Dr O and Dr E (the good doctors) repeatedly like to ask me about my childhood. I do not like to talk about it. I tell them that I do not like to and the reason for that is that I do not remember much about it and therefore I feel uncomfortable talking about something which I do not feel in control of. Everyone is like that though aren’t they? If you are making a presentation but you only have half the material, you feel uncomfortable don’t you? I you are asked a question by somebody but you do not have all the information to hand, you feel uneasy. I explained that was my response and that it was an entirely understandable one. I’m not telling them the real reason behind my recalcitrance. Not a chance.
Unfortunately, Dr O then gets the bit between her teeth in one of our sessions and decides she would like to talk to me about family.
“Who has pinched your bagel this week then? Your brother or your sister?” I shot back seeking to deflect her. She ignored my remark and pressed on.
“Is there anybody in your immediate family you would like to discuss with me?” she asked.
“No.”
“Why?”
Where do I start ? Why would I want to talk about people I rarely bother with (save my brother)? Why is it that these people assume that I have some overriding desire to discuss a group of people who I am related to but have nothing in common with? What is the obsession?
I remained silent.
“Okay, how about I choose a family member and you tell me three things that you like about them and three things that you do not like about them. Just as something to start our conversation?” she suggested.
I remained silent.
“How about your mother?” she asked and looked at me expectantly.
I got up and left the room. I’m not playing that game with Dr O. No way.
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Toxic mothers. That was the name of the video I clicked into after reading about Jennete McCurdy’s abusive childhood experiences. I was trying to find a clip of her dark comedy show titled “I’m Glad My Mother Died” which she performed on stage recently. Jennette McCurdy is the young woman who played the character of ‘Sam’ on the TV sitcom “I, Carly”, and which I occasionally watched with my children when they were younger. Her character in the program was ‘hardened’ and I remember being a little taken aback watching it that a girl so young could be so hardened, but the explanation in the show rested on her home life. It was probably nothing compared to Jennete McCurdy’s real life experience which nobody knew about at the time.
In the video two women are discussing their experiences at the hands of their ‘toxic’ mothers. One of them is a renowned psychologist, professor and lecturer from Melbourne University in Victoria, Australia, who is being interviewed by Ms McCurdy. The stories are impactful, disturbing and at times distressing. I was particularly struck by the discussion which took place at the one hour mark of the video which caused me to think of HG’s father in relation to his experiences with his mother. I always find this a very difficult part of HG’s story to wrap my head around which is probably why it stood out. This last 40 minutes of the discussion I thought was extremely valuable, but time taken to listen to the whole thing can really put you in the place of knowing you are not alone.
https://youtu.be/RJm-BidDzqM
Two other things also jumped out at me:
1/ The terms ‘angel’ and ‘devil’ are used to replace ‘golden child’ and ‘scapegoat’. Golden child is only mentioned once towards the end, but they signify the same thing.
2/ The word ‘narcissist’ only comes up once at the very end of the discussion as well.
The video was titled “Toxic Mothers”, but what they are really talking about is narcissistic mothers. There was obvious fury, black and white thinking being applied, the need for control, etc. I really wish it had been classified under the correct term to further help enlighten people.
Here are thoughts I shared with someone else who just happened to mention their narcissistic mother had given away their Enid Blyton collection of books ( I don’t know why I thought I was the only one, but it was validation of that experience for me):
My mother also gave away part of my Enid Blyton collection without my permission or knowledge. There had been a natural disaster where a call was put out for items for children as it occurred close to Christmas. We all went through our toys and donated to the children’s plight. I discovered after this my mother had given away part of my collection of books also. I had no comeback. The children were suffering. She knew how and when to slide the knife in between my ribs, so that there was no ability to respond. It is not an ‘accident’. It is not a ‘mistake’. It is a deliberate attempt to undermine you. Only narcissism explains these incidents that go beyond a thoughtless parent and into the realm of a design to diminish you. You’ll know it when you experience it, and the cognitive dissonance it generates.
It is no wonder you don’t want to talk about your mother and how she sought to control you.
LET, “It is a deliberate attempt to undermine you. Only narcissism explains these incidents that go beyond a thoughtless parent and into the realm of a design to diminish you. You’ll know it when you experience it, and the cognitive dissonance it generates.” Wow, you worded that perfectly.
Thanks, AV <3
Thank FK I no longer have any reason, not requirement to have any ‘therapy’ or see any “specialists” to talk about my past to ‘untangle’ the mess that was left behind by my past narcissists. When I say ‘left behind’ – the narcissists are the ones that are not affected by their treatment of me (and other ‘victims’), they are ‘blind’ to their behaviours because in their perception, they didn’t do anything ‘wrong’.
I am so glad my mother is dead, long gone – nearly 15 years but FFS the ‘darkness’ within me lived on…… not any more.
There we have it, the narcissist mother. This is why I am here. Why I have sought to learn what I am. When I was four, I came to the horrifying realization, that I must be both my mother and father. My father was brow beaten and mother, well, she was busy triangulating her three children against one anothe rand alienating my fathers friends and family. My siblings do not speak to her. I , as the youngest and a nurse that specializes in end of life care, will now be her caretaker. I will titrate her oxygen to insure her comfort, utilize pain and anxiety medication to make sure that her passing is peaceful. I must all the while, keep the door closed on the four year old who realized that her mother buried the entire liter of kittens alive, just for control. It seems like all roads lead back to mother…
I can understand why the Dr would ask and why you might refuse. There have been some inconsistencies regarding family. Not sure I would have been so straightforward in my approach,
The one song my ex could not abide was Perfect by Alanis…
That says it all. I would never open up about my father until later in life.
How dare she threaten your control. Lol she should have known better. End of session.
These women are truly horrible, the matrinarcs.