The Devastation of the Illusion

 

THE-DEVASTATION-OF-THE-ILLUSION

You fell in love with an illusion. You fell hard and deep for something which never existed. The golden days that we created together were the twisted reflections of my manipulative hold over you. I know how anxious you were to try to recover the golden period. You poured your beautiful heart into securing the impossible. I know that my silences, my verbal violence, the cheating and the lies, my perfidious control of you was brutal, malicious and devastating. I understand that the whole avalanche of manipulative techniques I applied to you, in savage wave after insidious wave crushed your self-esteem, mauled your sanity and shattered your world. This brutality was nothing compared to the aftermath.

For now you have slipped away from my tight, choking grip. I know however that you sit looking from the window where you used to watch for me strolling up the driveway, a bouquet in my hands and the pain still wracks you as you remember how you fell in love with someone who was not real. Memory after memory stirs from within, an endless loop of ‘best of’ moments that you want to stop remembering but you cannot. It hurts yet you still want to remember because even as the pain rises in your chest, you still feel the flicker of your love for me and you still cherish that. Like the drug addict, you know that line of cocaine is no good for you but still you need to snort it. The cold silences may no longer chill our living room. The sting of my slap across your cheek has long since faded. The barbed comments I fired your way each day have lost their power to wound. All of that has gone. The one lingering, tortuous pain that still sits deep within you is the knowledge that you were in love with an illusion No matter how much you discuss it with your friends, the earnest hours with your therapist and the pile of books about healing that are stacked up besides your favourite chair (which I always tried to sit in before you), none of them help take away that awful aching.

You can manage the shame of being fooled. You take a strange pride in having given your all to such a despicable person because that is the person you are. Honest, decent and a provider of unconditional love. You do not want that to change. You do not want to lose the empathy for which you are renown. The battered bank balance will repair (eventually) and the dosage of the medication will come down (your doctor has said as such in soothing tones). The strength of character which made me choose you means you can deal with all of these things. The one thing that will never leave is that deep-seated pain that you loved a ghost. Your head will eventually accept what happened, that you were charmed, entranced and enchanted and you never stood a chance. That was why you were chosen. Emotionally, you will never lose that dull ache as you sit and reminisce about our time together and how wonderful being in love with me was. Your heart will never accept that it was not real.

That crack, that fracture, that tiny chink that remains from your frenetic and devastating time with me shall always remain. It is through it that I can return as I slip, shadow like into your heart through that unhealed wound. That is why we did what we did; so we always had a way back in. For all of the strength that you exhibit through never taking a call from us, from changing email accounts, from burning the pictures and changing mobile numbers, you are never truly safe. Yes, you manage to evade the snaking tendrils that we uncoiled to try to haul you back under our spell. You will have to maintain that vigilance for the rest of your life. Our polluting influence, if ever allowed near you again, will creep and trickle through the hole that will never seal. You are consigned to a lifetime of wariness and maintain your defences because that damage is permanent.

You only ever love the person you thought I was.

46 thoughts on “The Devastation of the Illusion

  1. Kelly says:

    Plato’s “Allegory of the Cave”
    It may be thousands of years old, but there’s still much to learn from this text. I think this metaphor can apply perfectly to the victim of a narcissist. My Perspective has change with the insight HG gives into narcissist. I hope with this knowledge I don’t go back ignorance.

  2. Forever Serene says:

    May I share this story here?

    I know it is long, but it seems fitting.

    The Pearl Necklace

    The cheerful girl with bouncy golden curls was almost five. Waiting
    with her mother at the checkout stand, she saw them: a circle of glistening
    white pearls in a pink foil box. “Oh please, Mommy. Can I have them?
    Please, Mommy, please?”

    Quickly the mother checked the back of the little foil box and then looked
    back into the pleading blue eyes of her little girl’s upturned face.
    “A dollar ninety-five. That’s almost $2.00. If you really want them,
    I’ll think of some extra chores for you and in no time you can save enough
    money to buy them for yourself. Your birthday’s only a week away and you might
    get another crisp dollar bill from Grandma.”

    As soon as Jenny got home, she emptied her penny bank and counted
    out 17 pennies. After dinner, she did more than her share of chores and she
    went to the neighbor and asked Mrs. McJames if she could pick dandelions for
    ten cents. On her birthday, Grandma did give her another new dollar bill and
    at last she had enough money to buy the necklace.

    Jenny loved her pearls. They made her feel dressed up and grown up. She wore
    them everywhere – Sunday school, kindergarten, even to bed. The only time she
    took them off was when she went swimming or had a bubble bath. Mother said if
    they got wet, they might turn her neck green.

    Jenny had a very loving daddy and every night when she was ready for bed,
    he would stop whatever he was doing and come upstairs to read her a story.
    One night when he finished the story, he asked Jenny, “Do you love me?”

    “Oh yes, Daddy. You know that I love you.”
    “Then give me your pearls.”
    “Oh, Daddy, not my pearls. But you can have Princess – the white horse
    from my collection. The one with the pink tail. Remember, Daddy? The one
    you gave me. She’s my favorite.”

    “That’s okay, Honey. Daddy loves you. Good night.” And he brushed her cheek
    with a kiss.”

    About a week later, after the story time, Jenny’s daddy asked again,
    “Do you love me?”

    “Daddy, you know I love you.”
    “Then give me your pearls.”

    “Oh Daddy, not my pearls. But you can have my baby doll. The brand new
    one I got for my birthday. She is so beautiful and you can have the yellow
    blanket that matches her sleeper.”

    “That’s okay. Sleep well. God bless you, little one. Daddy loves you”
    And as always, he brushed her cheek with a gentle kiss.

    A few nights later when her daddy came in, Jenny was sitting on her bed
    with her legs crossed Indian-style. As he came close, he noticed her chin
    was trembling and one silent tear rolled down her cheek.

    “What is it, Jenny? What’s the matter?”

    Jenny didn’t say anything but lifted her little hand up to her daddy. And when
    she opened it, there was her little pearl necklace. With a little quiver, she
    finally said, “Here, Daddy. It’s for you.” With tears gathering in his own
    eyes, Jenny’s kind daddy reached out with one hand to take the dime-store
    necklace, and with the other hand he reached into his pocket and pulled out a
    blue velvet case with a strand of genuine pearls and gave them to Jenny. He
    had them all the time. He was just waiting for her to give up the dime-store
    stuff so he could give her the genuine treasure.

    So it is with our Heavenly Father. He is waiting for us to give up the cheap
    things in our lives so that he can give us beautiful treasure. Isn’t God
    good? Are you holding onto things which God wants you to let go of. Are
    you holding on to harmful or unnecessary partners, relationships, habits
    and activities which you have come so attached to that it seems impossible
    to let go? Sometimes it is so hard to see what is in the other hand but do
    believe this one thing……………… God will never take away something
    without giving you something better in its place.

    Author-Unknown

  3. Rosie says:

    100% on point; the entire thing was just one massive lie. Horrible

  4. Wendy says:

    I have gotten to a point since my disengagement from my ex that things have become better for me and the sting of the pain he left with me has numbed some. But, I still think about this person several times a day even if briefly and it’s now been over 6 months. He is still lurking in my mind and my heart. It truly evokes anger inside of me knowing it was all just an act and a twisted scam! 😠

    The addiction is unbelievable so I know that I have to remain no contact because I do not trust myself! I would have thought that at some point in our lives these thoughts and feelings would go away completely. Maybe, once I become involved in a new relationship again they will be buried deep.

    My heart goes out to the narcissist having no choice in the development of narcissism. But, to take away another person’s hope and belief in love and happiness is unconscionable. I feel like I am having cognitive dissonance between the sorrow I feel for the narcissist and the anger I feel knowing all he has done. I don’t know which way to feel!

    It really has the potential to create bitterness inside of me and to build the walls even higher. But, then I lose again! That’s only going to hurt me, not the narcissist.

    Some days are good and others, like today, I feel my empathetic traits are being drained from me. I feel hardened and very skeptical. Like, I don’t want to give one crap about anyone ever again.

    This statement HG is very true and it really sucks!

    “ You will have to maintain that vigilance for the rest of your life. Our polluting influence, if ever allowed near you again, will creep and trickle through the hole that will never seal. You are consigned to a lifetime of wariness and maintain your defences because that damage is permanent.”

    I am obviously absorbed in high emotional thinking today. Sorry for the venting!

    Tomorrow will be a better day…

    1. A Victor says:

      No problem Wendy, venting is part of the process, at least it has been for me. Tomorrow is a new day! 💕

      1. Wendy says:

        AV, thank you! It has been a much better day. 😊🤗

    2. Joa says:

      Wendy, the worst for me was 3 years after he disappeared. I thought about him many times a day, saw him everywhere and in many men.

      Then gradually it began he to be less and less. And when at last, after many years, it was completely blurred – it reappeared, for real.

      Do not apologize. Writing and reading helps.

      Hope you have a better day today

      1. Wendy says:

        Hi Joa,

        Thank you! I have had a much better day. Thank God for new beginnings! Writing and reading here is so helpful to me. I appreciate you and the others giving me such great advice. I am grateful beyond words!
        😊🤗

    3. Asp Emp says:

      Hi Wendy, thank you for sharing your thoughts. ET is a complex little ‘bugger’ that we have to understand. Your anger is totally understandable and the way you describe your current perception of addiction to narcissism and how it impacts you.

      RE: your second paragraph – I would suggest that, meeting someone else before having understood your ET / getting your LT more in sync and navigating around your addiction to narcissism to the point where your emotions no longer get ‘triggered’ (causing ie anger) to come to the surface when you are ‘reminded’ of past narcissists will only add to ‘unresolved issues’ of the past. What I am suggesting is, ‘papering over the cracks’ would not necessarily make you un-bury those repressed emotions. If you are free of the ‘burden’ of your repressed emotions, you will feel liberated. How do you know whether your past emotions would come to the fore and surface during your next relationship, effectively and potentially creating new issues?

      When you say cognitive dissonance – that is perfectly understandable too. It has only been 6 months. It is easy for me to say but not feeling sorry for the narcissist in your mind would be the first way forward before dealing with your anger about things.

      I experienced very deep ET that I genuinely thought that I would not be able to get to the ‘bottom of the barrel’ so to speak. It was one hell of a deep barrel, that’s for sure!

      People experience good days and bad days. It happens. Give yourself a break because you have done well so far and will continue to do well. It’s ok to think ‘fk it, I’ll deal with it tomorrow and I am going to have a nice long hot bath and listen to some Narc Tales instead’……..

      Hang in there Wendy, you are doing ok and it will get better.

      1. Wendy says:

        Asp Emp, I feel like I should send you a check! Send me the bill please, lol. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your thoughtful responses to my posts. It is helping me heal, thank you my friend. My blog friend! Lol

        I will not get myself into a relationship with someone else until I heal because I know I am setting the relationship up for failure. I have many unhealed areas that were there way before the narc ever came around. I don’t want to paper over the cracks anymore, I want to heal them!

        I will take your advice! Thank you so much for it!
        🤗😊

    4. Amber says:

      Yes… the sorrow and the anger… I understand that so much!

    5. NarcAngel says:

      Wendy

      I believe it’s that way for many because (in addition to the addiction), non-narcissists require some sort of closure. Narcissists do not provide closure and never will. Remember that it is never over – you are their possession until either you or they die (their perspective). You keep searching for a key that was never forged and that plays perfectly into your continued ensnarement.

      You do not need to feel sorry for them. They feel just fine. The majority have no idea what they are or what they’re missing, and you can’t miss something you never had.

      Feeling sorry for them would be like you feeling sorry for me that I never had any choice in the development of my eye colour (mine are blue). You can ache for me that I don’t have brown eyes but it changes nothing for me. All I know is that I have eyes, they are blue, I think they’re pretty special, and I can see just as well as you. Perhaps even better.

      They don’t feel bad in the way that we feel bad for them, so we are only opening up the Pandoras box of emotional thinking that will affect us negatively and leave them unchanged.

      Also – they don’t suffer emotional eating so fuck them haha.

      1. Wendy says:

        NarcAngel,

        Haha! I love your candid and no nonsense way of thinking and speaking! I totally agree with you about the closure and never getting it. They will also never feel regret about their actions so why the hell should I worry about it!

        I will stop with the “ poor little narc” mentality and say fuck him! No more! Well, I’m sure I’ll have my days lol, but that’s ok! I’m getting closer to freedom every day from that POS!

        Thank you NA, I love your responses.

        Grateful!

        🤗😊

  5. Asp Emp says:

    Once, again, I am taking this article out of context, using a lateral ‘application’.

    Reading just the words of the title alone – I thought to myself, I am not longer ‘devastated’ by the ‘illusion of my past’. It does take time to ‘re-program’ oneself from one ‘reality’ to another ‘reality’.

    For a time, it seemed as if there was a parallel ‘reality’ yet splitting into two, as if there was two of ‘me’, one ‘real’, the illusion of the past, the one that was ‘led’ by the ‘created but planted’ by narcissists ‘emotional thinking’ = the ‘person’ within the mirror and the ‘genuine’, the now, ‘created via re-programming’, the ‘non-tainted’ emotional thinking = the person not within the mirror.

    In between ‘narcissists’, muvver, Lessers, MRNs – I was still ‘trapped’ behind the glass of the ‘mirror’ but not wholly ‘myself’. I instinctively knew that I had to get to outside the mirror but didn’t know how to.

    I became more acutely ‘aware’ of the ‘darkness’ I had within me when I found myself at death’s door. Then I ‘endured’ another couple of years of narcissists (the fu*kens at work) before I was pushed out – just as well really, they did me a favour but it was actually a very dangerous thing to do. I ‘spiralled’ down into the depths of despair, emotionally but was not consciously suicidal, for a few months then started to crawl out of this ‘quagmire’ for a further few months.

    Until I came to KTN. With HG’s work, I found a way of ‘transferring’ from the narcissists’ ‘reality’ (the influence of narcissism) and moving to my ‘reality’ through understanding my past, myself as an individual.

    What I am now aware of is, that I can look at myself and see the ‘other’ self without having to look in that mirror because that ‘illusion’ has now been ‘shattered’ with my new-found understanding.

    It was a very difficult and painful journey to navigate through the past, to make ‘sense’ of it, through a different ‘lens’. It needed to be done.

    Thank you, HG, for giving me the tools to shatter my ‘illusion’ that I had existed with for so very long.

    1. Joa says:

      Asp Emp, I really like what you wrote. I, too, felt the parallel realities, between which I jumped. The “pain” of jumping from one to the other was the worst. I was close to insanity. At all costs, I wanted to be stuck in the reality I was in.

      I also knew that it had to end, that I had to go beyond the wall of mirrors.

      It was years ago. Now it was different, I jumped and jumped out of these realities consciously. I also felt pain (tearing apart) but less. When it was time to jump out, I did it. When I wanted to jump in, I did.
      I was consciously deceiving myself (and him).

      The brain is amazing. Can block certain areas.

      When I was 17, I was raped by the so-called a “friend of the youth”. Unfortunately, it was my “first time” and he did much more than just plain rape. After a few days, I told my mother and some friends. Mom – be silent. Friends – at first they did not believe that this nice gentleman did it. And then, when they confronted him, they believed him that I wanted it too (that was his version). It was so convenient for them. Me – a young, slim, delicate girl and he is an old fat guy with a big belly and bald (puking). You have to be an idiot to believe it. But it was so. I gave up. I didn’t have the strength. I wanted to forget. I drew a large black cross upside down in my diary (where I wrote daily) and wrote the date. Only this.

      For a year I “did not remember” about this event. Not once, as if it had not been. It’s like pushing away the pain, until I can face it. After a year, I looked through my diary and saw this cross. It was a terrible moment. I swam several kilometers underground and returned to the same place. I was furious with myself for drawing this cross and for remembering it. But … it’s okay. I had to go through this – alone.

      With “my N” like I’m temporarily blocking certain areas of the brain. Those responsible for reality. And the ones responsible for the pain. A very strange experience.

      1. Truthseeker6157 says:

        Joa,

        I’m so sorry you had to face that alone. The event is heartbreaking in itself, but to then have your friends not believe you, and your own mother do nothing, I can’t even pretend to imagine what that must do to a young girl’s sense of worth.

        Blocking out makes perfect sense. The mind closing in to protect itself. I agree with you that we can behave similarly with the narcissist but in the opposite direction. We want the illusion to be real, so we screen out anything that is inconsistent with the illusion.

        The art of the perfect con. Select your mark and offer them what is missing, what they most desire, the mark will do the rest themselves.

      2. Asp Emp says:

        Joa, thank you for your reply. Good to read your ‘take’ on the mirrors ‘theory’ (the one we both are referring to).

        You are right, the brain can create blocks to memories, it can actually lead to ‘shutting down’ a part of the brain or emotions.

        So sorry to read about your personal experience of so-called-friend. It is even worse when it is a “first time”. I do understand how you feel / think about it.

        RE: your last paragraph, it takes time to work through the ‘pain’ in the emotions because it is psychologically ‘stuck’. I suppose I ‘worked’ through the ‘easier’ stuff to ‘deal’ with first and then dug deeper when I was ‘ready’.

      3. k mac says:

        I’m so sorry Joa. I think pain from the past opens us up to people like narcissist keeping us in a abuse cycle. You are definitely not alone. The brain is amazing. If it would just block narc memories.

        1. Joa says:

          TS, K Mac,
          by “alone” I meant no one else could do it for me. Self-healing is an important process.

          Mom. In some ways, she was right. I wasn’t strong enough then to face this man in court. She was also right, that even though I was not to blame, this “patch” could stick to me and drag on my whole life. I understand it.

          “Friends”. They gave me a “sample” of what could happen to me, if I publicized the matter and reported it to the police. It wasn’t that they didn’t believe what I was saying, but they weren’t sure. And after talking to this “friendly man”, they were even less sure. That was enough for my answer.

          I wasn’t going to prove anything to anyone. I didn’t feel guilty. I didn’t have the strength to punish. At that time, all I wanted was to forget, to wipe these images out of my head forever.

          Soon I changed the environment. I met my first N. and I was engrossed in flying in the clouds of love 🙂 He appeared at the perfect moment. He “kidnapped me”, saved me, and took me completely. I melted into him for many years.

          He really helped me and I cannot underestimate that. He became the center of my world, and it allowed me not to focus on myself.

          But that couldn’t go on forever. I finally stood on my own feet. I was important too. Then it started to go bad.

          The brain – I don’t want to block the beautiful memories, that I have so many. They make me happy, make me smile and warm. I reject evil. I don’t need it. Capsule and into space.

          And I wish the best to both “my N”. When they are in their Golden Age, I feel at peace.

          Let them not need me. I will help and push away. I will hurt they again. “It” between us, won’t come back anymore. I’m trying to keep going.

          1. Truthseeker6157 says:

            Joa,

            Thank you for your comment. I understand what you mean now. I misinterpreted what you meant in your original comment.

            You had an old head on your shoulders at a young age I think! To have the ability to look at the reactions of your friends and listen to your mother’s thinking and decide it was a fight you likely couldn’t win must have been incredibly difficult. I can totally understand the thinking behind blocking out and moving on, particularly when so young.

            I understand better now also the impact your narcissist must have had, arriving at that point in your life. A rescuer who took you away from what you had experienced, someone who both saw and helped you.

            Narcissists can and do do good things. It’s very difficult to get behind that. At least, I found it difficult. The online narc showed up at a low point in my life too. He played a similar role to yours. It took me a long time to get past that. HG did get through to me in the end. That particular tendril was wound round me quite tightly though.

            I held on to a sense of owing him. He had been my only high point in some tough days. He got me through those days in many respects, and as a result, when he changed, seemed to lose track and started showing seemingly erratic behaviour, I felt like I was letting him down to just walk away. Not doing for him what he had done for me.

            You’re right, those memories are real, I did laugh and I did imagine myself away into a world where there was just me and him. All of this is real, we have the memories right there to sink back into. The only thing those memories don’t show, is motivation. The empath is as she is, she goes in openly and honestly. The narcissist arrives with his own needs and they are entirely different to ours. All of those conversations, thoughts shared and trust built, all I ever was, was fuel. Nothing more, nothing less.

            Timing is everything for the narcissist. Catch us when we’re low and we are easy pickings. Motivation though, there’s the sting in the tail. They’ll say anything, be anything, do anything, as long as they get their fuel. Whatever you need, whenever you need it, it’s provided and more besides, for a simple payment of fuel. Really, at that point, I was such an easy target. I just needed someone to be on my side. To listen and be there just for me. That was it, simple as that. I really should have gift wrapped myself and placed a red bow in my hair!

            When you think of your narc, and you want to sink into those memories, think about motivation. Pick out motivation in the articles you read and videos you listen to, because fully recognising that difference in motivation is what made me let go of it. I recognised it, I just didn’t fully take it in. Once I did, letting go became far easier.

            I didn’t owe my narc anything. He got what he came for right from the start.

            Xx

      4. A Victor says:

        Joa, I am so sad to read of your experience here. It is truly heartbreaking. You are a strong person to have survived this and have the sense of humor, the sense of self, that you have. When our intended protectors don’t do their job, it is evil upon evil, I am so glad you have found narcsite, your contributions are amazing but I also hope you find some healing here as well. 😘

        1. Wendy says:

          Joa, hugs, hugs, and more hugs!! 💕

  6. Joa says:

    It doesn’t scare me at all that it was an illusion. My emotions were real. The effects of this relationship are real.

    I don’t regret a minute. It was beautiful! A violent flame always burns quickly.

    I feel the longing. It is she who causes the pain. Because I know it would be hard to repeat it.

    But at the same time, I’m glad that I experienced it 🙂

    As for the rest. The bad is now erased (but not forgotten). And I do not agree to “paying the bill” for this illusion as the only one. I will not let it go.

    1. lickemtomorrow says:

      Joa, your words probably resonate with many of us in the early stages after disengagement.

      I wonder how much you have taken in of the terms HG uses and their meanings, such as ‘disengagement’, ‘hoover’, ’emotional thinking’, etc.

      I read your comment as being very high on emotional thinking. It has strength, but also vulnerability. When you say “I will not let it go”, I can relate to that.

      There is an element where we do not accept that we have been deceived, and so we will not let the thought of deception enter our minds. The narcissist and I both got something out of it … call it an illusion, but it entailed real feelings and a real connection for the empath. I don’t think I would challenge that idea, and those emotions are precious. There was something about my experience with the last narcissist which made it as real as a real experience of loving someone else could be. The reality is he could not receive my love. He was incapable. So what I was pouring into him was just me pouring something into a broken vessel that could never be filled, and which I would never be able to drink from in order to quench my thirst. I see now how I went thirsty.

      I also wanted to make my narcissist pay as I sought to manipulate him in the end. In that sense I would not let him go as he had duped me, and I was not accepting that I could be duped in such a way and for there to be no consequences for him. There is also the fact you share a child together which makes the bond between you even stronger. It can also complicate things as you try to establish your thinking around getting out and staying out.

      I know all the information you need in order to move forward is here. I hope you can find a way to do that.

      1. Joa says:

        LET, my words “I will not let it go” were absolutely not romantic 🙂
        I meant child support payments.

        Right now, just now, I’m not letting myself be cheat.

        I told him, he was a thief, because he had been robbing me for 13 years without paying ANYTHING to support his own child. How wonderfully pissed off 🙂

        But now, for a long time I just nice silent.

        This vessel wasn’t broken. It just leaked a little 🙂 I filled it and shaped it. As long as it was full, it was beautiful. But I couldn’t split myself in two. I chose whoever needed me more. Kid.

        My desire is not as important to me, as the desires of other people. Or otherwise. My selfishness is that, by filling other vessels, mine fills up by itself 🙂

        Yes, the information HG gives us is invaluable. Although I use them in a slightly different way. They make it easier to navigate in this thicket. Pain is minimized.

        Thank you HG.

        It has to stay that way for now. The risk is there, but I can handle whatever happens 🙂

        And there is this stupid longing, although I know that with him I will not achieve flying under the sky anymore 🙂

        I keep moving forward. And I am enjoying many experiences. Life is so interesting 🙂

        Thank you 🙂

        1. lickemtomorrow says:

          “LET, my words “I will not let it go” were absolutely not romantic 🙂
          I meant child support payments.”

          Well, that’s about the least romantic thing I could think of, too 🙂

          What a lovely thought about filling other people’s vessels <3 It's the ideal, and how it would work in a perfect world. Sometimes we can and sometimes we can't. But when we can and it's reciprocal it benefits us both x

          Life is interesting indeed, and I'm glad you think you can handle it.

          You're welcome, Joa 🙂

  7. k mac says:

    I dont drink and have never done drugs. I thought I must just not have an addictive personality .Wrong. I was totally drowning in addiction to this person. Although I can recall all the nasty and painful moments clear as day, I have forgotten what the pain felt like. All the highs come flooding back. For some reason I can feel the good still. I’m so grateful that I don’t feel the intensity of the emotions towards this person anymore. Yet still…….

    1. Joa says:

      K Mac – like everyone in my family, my nature is addictive. I don’t drink alcohol and I don’t take drugs (only marijuana, used to be).

      But … I am addicted to many other things, such as green olives and kalamata, blue cheeses, cosmetics lined up and labeled forward, carpet adjustments to the plank line, ritual order of things. There is a lot of it 🙂

      And of course – narcissistic addiction. Undisputed and the greatest.

  8. Truthseeker6157 says:

    I look at this image and feel like I’ve forgotten something I was supposed to remember.

    1. lickemtomorrow says:

      Cryptic comment, TS. I’m wondering if you feel like expanding on it, or maybe it’s just a fleeting sense of something that is hard to capture.

      1. Truthseeker6157 says:

        Hey LET,

        It’s the latter, something niggling that I can’t put my finger on.

        Xx

        1. lickemtomorrow says:

          Thanks for your answer, TS 🙂

          It’s probably one of my least favourite images on the site … pure ugly. That’s just on the face of it (so to speak). I think it’s all the cracks that bother me. I want to plaster them over (i.e. heal and fix).

          Images can have remarkable impacts on us, some more so than others. It’s a bit like music, we don’t know which ones will hit us and when. This one has had a strange affect on you.

          It also annoys me when I can’t put a finger on something and yet somehow feel there’s an explanation.

          You will work it out xox

          1. Truthseeker6157 says:

            LET,

            Ooh that’s interesting, I didn’t think about the heal and fix. You’re right, images do have real impact, they can act as a reminder or get us to reconsider.

            I’m not a fine detail person, but I do visualise to make sense of things. That might be what I’m reaching for here.

            Thank you for your encouragement, that was a lovely thing to say. 😘

            Xx

    2. NarcAngel says:

      TS
      Face cream?
      Or the person that looks like they’re swimming in his beard has something to do with the Knowing HG series?

      1. Truthseeker6157 says:

        NA,

        Face cream, that’s it! I’m out! Haha.

        With KHG glasses on, the mouth has been doctored, as has the nose, the eyes are the wrong colour. The face looks horizontally stretched to me. There’s a beard swimmer? I want to see the beard swimmer!

        Xx

        1. NarcAngel says:

          I can’t be the only one seeing these hidden things (although what they actually are and the meaning are up for interpretation). HG chooses these images, and has left clues all over the blog for the KHG series. I believe these images within images are clues. Of course it’s not above a narcissist to throw some randoms in to fuck with your head haha, but I don’t believe HG has the time or inclination to do that.

          Try this with me: expand the pic. Just above and slightly left of the center of the candle flame there is a pronounced V in the mud (mud?). Look at that as a chin and follow it up slightly. Do you see a face looking left?
          If you do, now take your eyes out to the right and slightly up to a point and call that an elbow. Now follow that down again and slightly to the right where it appears (to me) to be a bony hand.

          So face looking left with elbow up behind and bony hand hanging down. Thats why I said swimming (or running). There are other images, but most obvious thing seems to be that the scar on the forehead (fivehead if it’s a narcissist) is not just a scar but a symbol. HG did confirm in KHG that there are clues hidden in the images there. I believe here as well.

          I’m not crazy, my mother had me tested (Sheldon Cooper), so if you don’t see anything you’re just not gifted.

          Hahaha!

      2. A Victor says:

        Face cream? Haha, very good!

  9. Kris Murphy says:

    THIS. THIS. This is exactly why I am SO fucking afraid of my abuser. As much as I hate to provide fuel to an Ultra, thank you HG Tudor for putting into words what this once professional, brain-broke woman could never accurately articulate. 💚💜

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

  10. A Victor says:

    I always think this image looks like Leonardo DiCaprio, another cutie and I enjoy his acting also. I hope he is not a narc though I expect he probably is. He can go on my next 20 Bullets maybe.

    1. A Victor says:

      Also, this article is pretty devastating since I don’t think anyone would have wanted to be only able to offer an illusion, had the option been given freely. It is a thought that makes me sad for the narcissists as children, when this disorder developed. I feel like they just want love, as adults, like everyone else, but don’t do good things with it when it’s given to them, don’t have a capacity to handle it in a healthy manner. It is really sad.

      1. FYC says:

        This may not be a popular opinion, but I agree. I do believe all people want love and acceptance of some form, but the narcissistic defense combined with others factors, leave the N only able to receive the shiny veneer of love (experienced as fuel). To experience the depths of love would threaten their sense of control and the very construct that was created for surviving and navigating their existence. It cannot happen.

        1. A Victor says:

          Yes, their “love” translates to fuel, acceptance to control, I think. I have heard HG talk about needing the positives to off-set Matrinarc’s negative to him, I see this as a form of love/acceptance that he ultimately rejects, those messages can never be off-set for him. But, possibly because of the narcissism, he is still highly effective, unlike some non-narcs who meet with abuse and become helpless. In re-listening to The Creature today, it was brought home again just how difficult it would be for a narcissist to give up their narcissism, the fears of doing so being so large, the narcissism not wanting to die, much like our addiction does not want to be restrained. Thank you for sharing your thoughts FYC!

          1. FYC says:

            Always a pleasure, A Victor. Even non-N people want to reinforce what they choose to believe, even when false beliefs. There is a psychological term for this called confirmation bias. So when someone has a defense, I can only imagine that need is absolute since the defense is one of survival, not convenience.

            I do wish the positives HG has experience by others could in some way heal the massive trauma that HG endured. The reason why I could not see this happening is because the abuse was extensive and ongoing, probably from conception forward. Therefore every aspect of his growth and neurological development and gene expression would be affected by the trauma. It’s heart breaking.

            Further, even though things start out golden and positive with others, it is inevitable that at some point he will feel let down (as we are all human and fail), and this cannot be tolerated as it challenges the absolute defense of control. It’s too bad forgiveness of the creature and the rest of us is not possible. But, perhaps we can take solace in all the positive qualities of HG and all he does for his legacy that so many benefit from greatly.

          2. A Victor says:

            I definitely take solace in HG’s positive qualities, what he’s doing for the world. I will always find it a bit sad though, and even more so for those in my life who have this condition and have had largely wasted lives, abusing others, as a result. HG is, at least, doing something positive with his disorder. Or in spite of it.

      2. Joa says:

        AV, I feel the same way, that they want love, but can’t take it accept, they don’t know what to do with it. Yes, it’s sad.

        I’m afraid that may not be true after all… is much more brutal.

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