Why The MatriNarc Knows Best
“I love you.”
“I have heard this is a good one for getting a reaction from you because this is what you always want to hear.”
“You won’t ever amount to anything.”
“Not while I am interfering in every facet of your life, controlling you and making your childhood and your adult life one long battle.”
“I just thought I would call you and see how you are.”
“You do not give me enough fuel. You are an ungrateful son/daughter and I regret the day I gave birth to you.”
“It is my birthday next week and I just wondered if you had anything planned.”
“I expect something lavish and spectacular so I can be centre stage. If you haven’t planned such an event you are cruel and uncaring, just as I always thought.”
“I am proud of you.”
“For once you have done something I approve of and now I can take all the credit for it.”
“You were quite a challenge when you were younger.”
“I thought you might resist my cold-hearted manipulation of you, but I broke you in the end.”
“I suppose you have heard the sad news about your Uncle Paul dying?”
“A death! A funeral! Such a wonderful stage for me to dominate and all those relatives to suck fuel from.”
“I am trying to help you,you know?”
“I am trying to control you, stop resisting me.”
“I have done so much for you. All I want is some thanks.”
“I think I have done so much for you. I need some fuel.”
“It was a joke. You take yourself so seriously.”
“It was not a joke. Damn you for seeing through it. I need to back track quickly so I am not accountable.”
“You were an accident.”
“Go on cry and make me feel powerful.”
“Your father and I have discussed this as we think…”
“I have decided….”
“Your father agrees with me so there is no point running to him.”
“Your father knows better than to contradict me.”
“I had such high hopes for you.”
“You aren’t doing what I want.”
“That never happened.”
“It did but you are not allowed to hold that against me.”
“We never thought you would leave home.”
“You were not meant to move out of my control.”
“We hardly ever see you these days.”
“You should be providing me with fuel more often.”
“You weren’t like this when you were little.”
“You were so much easier to control back then.”
“I don’t love you.”
“I don’t love you. I never have.”
74 thoughts on “Why The MatriNarc Knows Best”
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Oui c’est cela quel tourment mais à un moment je me suis dit que c’était ma tante ma mère et de ma vrai mère je n’attend rien d’elle. Alors j’ai retrouvée ma place et tout va bien.
C’est merveilleux que vous ayez trouvé votre place et qu’elle reste au sein de votre famille.Les intervenants à l’intérieur ou à l’extérieur de la famille peuvent faire toute la différence.
(PS: Google translate helped me with my French here – I’m sure Isabelle would do a better job!)
“I don’t know why you are so different from us.” and “that never happened.”.
And all of the above. Though sometimes I think I didn’t function well enough. So why do I keep still repeating the same patterns, and still attract only guys who are like my mother?
Sometimes I think that my ex didn’t ruin my life, but my own mother.
The more I think about it all logically (kind of), the older I get – the more horrific and unbelievable I find it all..
So I had no choice but to develop a self defense mechanism that makes me ignore red flags and bad behaviour towards me, as contradictory as it sounds.
Vut that’s the tricky part with parents – as a child, it’s a life and death situation, and children bond even when given pain. 2. children don’t know any different.
Even know when I think back and remember situations, it’s doing my head in. A child has no chance, the patters become hard wired, and here we are.
I think you are speaking for a lot of ACON’s with your comment ava101. I can certainly relate, and the sense of not having a chance to know or do any differently can be quite overwhelming. Many of us have ‘wasted’ a lifetime trying to get to the bottom of what was happening and find ourselves tracing our way back from the most recent narcissist (who brought us here), to the one before that, to the one before that maybe, until eventually we end up with the parental narcissist at the top of the pyramid. The myriad ways we have messed up our lives, and had them messed up for us, lead back to the source. The strange reality is many of us will have respected our parents purely because of the fact they are our parents, all the while knowing some things just didn’t sit right, and continued to give them the benefit of the doubt, ultimately placing that doubt on ourselves.
It’s incredibly relieving to know “it’s not your fault” when all your life you thought it was … your fault. “It’s not your fault.” “It’s not your fault.” “It’s not your fault.” I need to say that to remind myself. I also need to say that because I found it one of the most moving moments in the movie Good Will Hunting. Matt Damon couldn’t hear those words, but Robin Williams insisted. Taking that on board made all the difference.
Hi LET, thank you for this excellent comment, worded perfectly. I have even felt guilty over the “blame” factor, you can’t blame your parents (straight from my mother’s mouth)… But I think it’s definitely okay to let go of that guilt and acknowledge the reasons, with or without blame, because it’s not even about that. It’s about healing. Really great comment.
Hi AV,
Thank you for adding to that … it is about healing. We can’t heal unless we acknowledge, or at least that’s my experience. I can imagine that comment coming straight from your mother (the narcissist’s) mouth, and mine would just deny. Either way, there is no satisfaction for those of us who want to be validated in our experiences. I’m glad you pointed us to the signpost for healing.
Thank you for your kind words. 🙂 Yes, exactly that. It is just soo frustrating to me, to realized I literally relived the same all my life, and that even now, that I do see red flags and now about narcissism and what happened,…. I still attract the same.
And in addition, all confidence in my abilities and my intuition was taken from. me. as. a. child. I was thinking through important times as a child or teenager or young adult in my life – – my parents never showed up, and even negated or ignored whatever I did or accomplished. Not only neglected they myself in a way, that they didn’t teach me most basic life skills, but whatever I did accomplish in spite of it was ignored. Unless they took it for themselves.
Good to hear I am not the only one feeling that way.
Sounds pathetic but I honestly feel my youth was wasted. 😅
Hi ava101,
We are robbed as children and that is clear in your comment:
“all confidence in my abilities and my intuition was taken from me”
It’s true. Rather than celebrating our achievements and growing independence, these things were thwarted for the narcissist to feel better about themselves and remain in control. We could not be allowed to shine or interpret events for ourselves. It hurts at times to remember how different we could have been, or our lives could have been, if we had just had the right nurturing environment to really succeed. This is where we need to count our resilience and successes by another metric or scale. We survived. That is success. We made it here. That is also success. We made it through those damaging and deceitful relationships. That is resilience. Chin up, ava101. We are finally ‘in the game’ once we have made it here. It’s impossible to lose again if we take HG’s advice.
The last part of your comment reminded me of a song I could immediately relate to when I heard it the first time. It’s called “Buses and Trains” by Bachelor Girl. Maybe you’ve heard it?
I appreciate you sharing more of your thoughts and experiences. We help eachother to overcome.
Dearest lickem,
I agree with AV, excellent comment and so true !
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Thank you, Bubbles <3
I'm sorry I only saw your comment today!
Dearest lickem,
Excellent comment, thank you lovely, I can so relate.
Luv Bubbles 😘 xx
LET, I agree with AV & Bubbles. This is a great comment.
Thank you, Leigh. It came from the heart <3
Ava101, I used to think “I married my mother!”. Learning about narcissism, I understand why I felt that way. The good news for us is that we can change, we can learn, grow and make different, better choices.
Oh shit, A.V.! Sometimes I summed up my mother acting like my husband…
———–
She always fought “my men”, showed their weakness, indolence, showed her superiority. She offered more. She dazzled with money, position, confidence. Sometimes she even bribed them in some way… At the beginning of every relationship, I always kept her at a distance because she tends to boss around and make fun of everyone. But she waited for the moment. I unconsciously introduced her to our house, to his family: “She’s so lonely, please, let’s invite her to New Year’s Eve…”.
————–
My mother’s most frequent words: “I don’t remember anything like that.”
–‐———–
The promise made last Saturday: “You can look around for a bigger house with a garden in your town. I’m selling my grandmother’s house and I’ll give you some of the money.”
I just sighed and replied: “If you give me, I’ll find something FOR MYSELF”.
I will add that I don’t remember getting anything from her since I moved out of our hometown with my daughter. Oops, sorry, she brought me her old clothes and other junk from her house a few times. I was happy to take it back to her a few weeks later or inform her that I had thrown it all away.
Nonsense.
We have very little contact now. Most of the time I feel impatient and irritable.
I’m sorry.
———-
Once you were the whole world to me… I loved you so terribly much, so tenderly and warmly. Always with a question in my eyes. Eternal insufficiency.
Gone With the Wind…
I’m sorry that happened to you Joa. You made the wise choice to get away and not let her continue to hurt you. It is so horrible that mother’s can be bad to their children, bad for their children. That is supposed to be our base for life and when we don’t have it, it makes everything that much more challenging.
AV, it’s not like that. I would never call my mother a bad person. To be honest, fate did not spare her and in difficult conditions, as a young girl, she coped very well with raising us.
I felt loved and belonged, even though I was always a little on the side. She tried, cared for me, protected me in her own way (a bit unsuccessful), but… she just couldn’t UNDERSTAND me. She couldn’t come down to my level, as if she’d forgotten what it was like to be a kid… Maybe she didn’t want or couldn’t go back to that level.
She made a lot of mistakes, but I make them too when I raise my daughter. I know what her attitude, brusqueness and arrogance stem from – you can’t take what you want from life and what you need to take to survive – without being that. You must carry this armor.
She gave me the opportunity to be who I am. Because she did a lot… so that I could afford it.
I appreciate it. Although it had a second bottom.
—————–
Thank you mom. For all.
I really don’t need anything from you. I haven’t been a child for a long time.
Don’t blame me for not wanting anything, for living my life and not yours.
Please don’t push. This backfires.
Hi Joa, I apologize, I did not mean to say your mom was a bad person and should not have said a mom can be bad to or for a child. Please forgive me. I should have personalized my comment, my mom was bad to and for me and it left scars and holes in my understanding about life.
It sounds like you have a better understanding of how to view your mother than I do, just yet. I am coming to that place but it has taken a lot of work to get here. A friend of mine says she can’t hate her mother since she gave her life, I have struggled to even see that. But it is coming and your second comment here is helpful today it, thank you.
AV, nooooooooo! 🙂 This, I did not expect.
What “apologize”? What “forgive me”? For what? 🙂 These are big words intended for very big offenses. While you don’t even have 1% reason to apologize 🙂 Please, don’t exaggerate here; please, don’t show me lack of confidence here; please, NEVER go back on your own words; please, remember this and please, correct yourself for the future! 🙂
You have absolutely no reason to apologize to me. I perfectly understood, what you meant AV and knowing your story, I knew that you apply it to yourself, translate it into your relationships with your own mother and draw inspiration from it to arrange good relationships with your own children. This is obvious to me. This is what every human does – looks at the world through his own lens – because has no other lens.
I will say more, it made me feel sorry, that you are sorry about my relationship with my mother. Completely for no reason. That’s what I wanted to explain. I don’t feel sad. I was just describing how it was and is. No big positives or negatives. I’m sorry to say, but my mom doesn’t evoke much emotion in me anymore. She has been in a constant relationship with his “owner” for 25 years. I got used to it, removed myself from the field because I was fed up with his childish competition for my mother. It is no longer possible to reach her. In fact… she’s been gone for a long time. I mentally said goodbye to her a few years ago. My sister and I meet them about once a month, and that’s quite enough. Basically, we only control whether he exploits her too much. I even stopped strengthening shes in times of crisis, when, for example, he disappears for a few weeks and she follows him halfway across the country. It makes no sense and I don’t care at all. I also have no reaction to her 1,500 serious illnesses, fake faints, etc. My sister and I let them play these games with each other and suffocate in their own juice.
I am happy with everything she has ever given me. I’m glad that I felt her warmth and that she was a little bit for me once. But that stage is long over.
I’m worried that I’ll end up just like her… I’m worried that I’ll succumb to what’s strongest in me.
———————–
“We’ll meet at retirement” – he said with a smile in his voice two weeks ago. Completely for no reason, without any reference and all of a sudden. I hesitated before changing the subject to anything. Those 2 seconds of still silence told him more than 100 of my words.
What I felt and feared for a very long time, but always unsaid, found its shape in these few words.
Sometimes I think, that if you look broadly and see things that COME TO US THEMSELVES, they are arranged in a very orderly way, as if one result from the other, although it comes from completely different spaces and tells you in which direction you should go.
Two gentle signals, to consider selling my house and moving. In contact – eye to eye – I have no chance. I don’t have the slightest doubt. I just have to make a decision. Please, please, give me stronger signals.
Everything in me cries, when I have to kill him in me. I do not want and cannot kill. Can you do without me, my Love? Will you find someone to hug you? I want to know, that your voice will still be carefree and that your eyes will still smile, when you can no longer find me in the dark. I can’t bear it if you fall. Domino effect.
———————–
Sorry AV, I was writing to you, but unfortunately I smoothy jumped into my own life again and ended up for ME.
I’m going for a walk with the dogs to revive.
Thank you Joa, for your gracious reply and for your kind words about understanding where I was coming from. I also appreciate very much that you shared about how it is with your mom, you have a great understanding of where I need to get with mine, the same place.
No problem speaking to yourself, I enjoyed reading that! You do have a way with words and so often make me think of my Polish friend in your presentation! It is fun to see that!
Joa, I have very little contact with my mother also. I haven’t seen her in 3 years. I only speak with her once a month at most and its always less than 5 minutes. In the past I would become very impatient and irritable when I spoke with my mom too. That’s why its best I speak to her so infrequently and a short period of time. Even if I get irritated, I can hold my tongue. Its ok, if you’ve decided to go very little contact. You have to do what’s best for you.
Its nice to see you and I hope you’re doing well.
Dearest lovelies,
Had to put mum into aged care after two serious falls.
Our dear ol friend sadly died, we were both there til the end and miss him dreadfully 😭
We all had Covid, some of us twice !
I’m getting there ….sort of !
Have missed you all, struggling to keep up, but please know my thoughts and heartfelt wishes are with each of you 🥺
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Dearest Bubbles,
You must have been reading my mind. Last night I was thinking about you and wondering how your mother was doing. I’m sorry you had to put her into a care facility. I’m also sorry your friend passed.
My thoughts and heartfelt well wishes are with you too. I hope you’re feeling better soon!
Love Leigh 💓💓
Hello Bubbles, I am sorry about your friend. Your mother in aged care frees you up to be able to spend the time with your family and support each other during difficult times. Sorry to hear about Covid. Thank you for thinking about us on the blog. Good to hear from you and look after yourself. Take care xx
Aww Bubbles, it is so good to hear from you! I have thought of you often since last seeing you on the blog and wondered how you’re doing. Sorry to hear about your friend, that is hard, and your struggle with Covid. Take care of yourself and know we are thinking of you! Is it nice having your mom in aged care? I think about that with mine sometimes.
💕 AV
Bubbles, I didn’t get a chance to reply to this yet, but let me second the thoughts of all the other lovely empaths here <3
It's hard to lose a friend and glad you were able to be with him to the end. That would have meant a lot to you all. Wishing you comfort in your grief x
Also hoping you can find a measure of peace in allowing others to care for your mother now.
Significant changes that take time to come to terms with, and with Covid to add to that while you're trying to cope. I do hope you keep checking in and get any support you need. Your thoughts and heartfelt wishes are appreciated and returned xox
Hi Bubbles,
I was just wondering about you last night, thought I hadn’t seen you on here for a bit.. I’m so sorry for the loss of your friend. Thinking of you and sending love xx
Dearest Leigh, Asp Emp, JB, Lickem,
Thank you lovelies for your kind words n thoughts, I am truly humbled. ☺️
Going from two lengthy hospital stays into aged care has been most challenging and stressful to say the least, especially with a narc mum.
Fun times !
Sending warm positive vibes and hugs to you all 🥰 🤗
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Dearest Lickem,
How very thoughtful of you with your concern for me my lovely lickem. ☺️
We were pretty much the only ‘outsiders’ to see our ‘dear ol friend’ every week. I wish we could’ve given him a pill to end his demise in a kind humane manner. 🥹
Any loss is devastating and if their memory is strong, it lingers so much longer.
With mum, allowing others to care for her is very ‘unsettling’ for me, as I had my finger on the pulse in every aspect of my mum’s care. Mum tested positive for Covid the moment she entered aged care, luckily the anti virals worked well. Mum is the final female ‘matriarch/narc’ of the family, however long she may have, I’m next in line ! 😱
Mum cries every time we leave, wants to go home and be with her cats, doesn’t want to join others in the dining room, wants to be by herself, is suspicious of everyone, has lost weight, doesn’t trust anyone and believes some are messing with her head. Continues to be fiercely independent and does what she wants until the carers kindly insist it’s their job to look after her.
Unfortunately, to add to the mix, Mr Bubbles struggles walking now and has health issues, so I’m his full time Uber driver. 🥹
I manage each day, but now and then the tears temporarily blur my vision.
I feel relieved to have reconnected with mum. Knowing about her narcissism has helped me process and understand her and who I am.
I may be broken …. but I see myself as a bit of Kintsugi (the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery). There are no attempts to hide the damage, instead, it is highlighted in gold. Finding beauty in imperfection!
Thank you Lickem, your kind comment is most treasured 🤗
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Dearest Bubbles,
You certainly have your hands full. I’m sorry to hear that Mr. Bubbles is having trouble with walking. I hope it’s only a temporary affliction and set back.
My narc mother lives in a nursing home too. She eventually warmed up to the idea of living there. I hope your mother warms up to the idea too. At first I felt guilty but at some point I realized that it was the best place for her. She was receiving the best care there.
Beauty in imperfection! Yes, that’s us in a nutshell. We’re highlighted in gold. Your words inspire me! Thank you!
Dear Bubbles,
Empaths really struggle with suffering, and our desire to rescue, heal and fix, is one that is paramount. Your desire and thoughts for your friend are entirely understandable and cognisant with your nature as an empath. We suffer with those who are suffering. It’s a burden that never leaves us.
The thought of being the next in line can be quite a confronting one by the sounds of things. The mantle falls to you, and I’ve no doubt when the time comes you will wear it well. I imagine you as a totally trustworthy human being, which should stand you in good stead 🙂
Once again, your empath heart is in tune with your mother’s concerns. She is struggling in her new environment and you’re used to being the one who caters to her needs. Definitely and adjustment period for you both. Same goes for Mr.Bubbles, and it’s likely your caring instincts must necessarily transfer to him now. Hopefully he isn’t a ‘back seat driver’ when it comes to putting you in charge! I can see how it all must feel overwhelming at times <3 Tears are a necessary remedy in the circumstances x
Your last few words about your mother really touched my heart. You seem to have come full circle in terms of acceptance and appreciation of how you were 'perfected' in those refining fires – I love the thought of the Japanese art, Kintsugi. There is a lot of wisdom in those words and in reaching that place.
I hope I can come such a long way one day and when the time is right.
Dearest Leigh,
Thank you for your comment lovely one. Mr Bubbles’ issues are long term now, he struggles daily. We’re all older and one must adjust hehe
With mum, she accepts she has to live there, but still doesn’t like it. I asked her ‘what’s the alternative then? She knows ! I reiterate to her daily, she’s getting the 24/7 care she needs. I jokingly said …..the problem is ‘your generation are living longer’, she agreed .
I’m the same as you Leigh….still having to get over that ‘guilt’ feeling of putting her there
I always aware of the broken Japanese pottery concept, but never really processed it until ‘narcissism’ came into play. The article on Kintsugi talks about the “many forms of Japanese art influenced by Zen and Mahayana philosophies, which champion the concepts of acceptance and contemplation of imperfection, as well as the constant flux and impermanence of all things “
Another description……’fail better’ (I like that)
The bowl may seem broken, the pieces scattered, but this is an opportunity to put it back together with seams of gold without disguising the damage. It will be something new, unique and strong.
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
.
Dearest Bubbles,
I had never heard of Kintsugi. Thank you for sharing about it. It’s such a beautiful and positive way to look at things. Embrace our imperfections and fail better. I like that too.
Love Leigh
Bubbles,
Sorry to hear of your loss and the change in Mr. Bubbles’ health.
That is a lot to deal with.
I realize that you have complicated feelings surrounding your mother being in a facility – but it is probably best for both her well-being and, especially yours.
Take care of yourself!
Dearest Who Cares,
Thank you for your kind caring comment lovely one
It’s ‘deja vu’ ….from one aged care to another
I even considered having mum live with us. What the hell was I thinking 😱 ??????….. tossed that one out the window quick smart haha
Naturally mum guilt trips me every time I see her haha
She has short term memory loss, so that’s fun
I was more upset having to rehome her cats haha
I promise to take care of myself WC …Mr Bubbles and mum need me
Sending 🤗 to you
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Bubbles,
“I even considered having mum live with us. What the hell was I thinking  ??????….. tossed that one out the window quick smart haha”
Whew…Missed a bullet there!
I can imagine the guilt trips.
Also, I understand re: the cats.
And agreed – we can’t take care of others if we don’t take care of ourselves.
❤
Dearest Lickem,
Your lovely comment is truly appreciated….thank you
There’s no quick fix for any of us and any healing requires time. Personally, I don’t think we are ever ‘fully healed’.
‘Understanding’ the true nature of oneself and comprehension of the ‘beast’ is paramount. We all get there eventually Lickem ☺️
How long have I been here? 🤣
Look at H (Harry) haha as M narc calls him…. he has huge mental issues …he’s been struggling how many years ? He won’t even begin to start to heal until they break up! He’s deluded into thinking he is already healing. Blabbing is not the way. He’s just shown he’s not to be trusted. Imagine hanging out with those two, they’ll record every word you say and use it against you. Poor H …he’s turned himself in a laughing stock and joke now, thanks to his narc wife. Big lesson to be learnt there!
Mr Bubbles wouldn’t dare be a back seat driver, he knows he’s on a good wicket getting chauffeured around haha
Always believe in yourself lickem and go with your gut instinct, I say !
Warmest wishes lovely
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
OMG, Bubbles, H&M … where is the vomit emoji when you need it? “My wife” and “my husband” drives me even more insane! I have to admit, Willy is a bit disconcerting 😛
Harry has cooked his goose in this relationship and I have to say your comment about him being deluded into thinking he is already healing is probably spot on. He’s been conned. Conned so thoroughly that he thinks the lie is the truth and the truth is a lie. That’s narcissism for you. There was a hilarious Jimmy Kimmel clip about his use of Elizabeth Arden cream while thinking about his mummy. It’s impossible not to laugh at it, and from my perspective the skit was well deserved. Maybe Kimmel was upset Steve Colbert got the scoop on his late night show! Even Colbert chose to mock Harry by trumpeting his arrival before shooing him aside to introduce Tom Hanks. Celebrity vs Royalty. That’s what a lot of this is about 😉
LET says, “Conned so thoroughly that he thinks the lie is the truth and the truth is the lie. That’s narcissism for you.” Its very sad. I was discussing his interviews with a friend and I had said the same thing about him healing. How can he be healing when he’s still ensnared? This comment ties in to the question you asked on the Honesty thread. When the rose colored glasses are still on, we don’t even realize there’s a problem so why would we speak of it? I really hope he figures it out.
Dearest Leigh,
Have a peek at some of the images on Google, absolutely stunning pieces
Personally, I think they’re better than the original 😉
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Dearest Lickem,
I totally agree with the 🤢🤮 regarding H n M. The consensus appears largely united that we are all sick of their stage production antics, contradictions and massive lies. The snippets from the podcasts were a joke! Have to give them both credit for raking in the big $’s though thru all their vindictiveness. Who would’ve thought this little sociopath upstart would create so much upheaval?
M is the matrinarc, imagine those poor kids later ? Doria (ex con) is her accomplice haha
I’ve read Tom Bower’s, Revenge and seen most of the funny skits. Dan Wootton, Candace Owens Meghn Kelly and Angela Levin have regular reports and updates on this so called ‘private’ couple who just keep giving, have no bounds or when to stop.
Would not waste my money on ‘Spare’ ….should be renamed ‘Dirty Harry’ haha
The Lizzie Arden confession somewhat perversely comes across like an oedipus complex? His obsession with his mum is extremely disturbing and he thinks M is like his reincarnated mother ? 😱
What he says is in therapy should stay in therapy.
Mr Bubbles and I did ‘endure’ their 6 hour ‘woe is me’ performance. I felt M mocking the Queen by ridiculing the curtsy was the ultimate display of disrespect…..and H did nothing. Such betrayal !
M is milking this to the max. I’m just waiting to see how much of a bigger hole M is letting H dig himself into before she ticks off into the sunset with all those millions and some, leaving him even more damaged, possibly suicidal.
I wouldn’t put it past them to go to the Coronation just to be the centre of attention ….again ! Big mistake !
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Bubbles, thank you for supplying the emojis xo
Your comment is priceless. I love it!
Can’t help but agree with everything you said, and that mockery of a curtsy was the height of disrespect and insult with regard to the Queen. I had a Jeremy Clarkson moment after seeing that (something about every cell in my body …). What a disgrace. She willingly married into the RF, took what she could get, ran, and then chose to use that opportunity to make more money by smearing them. What a despicable human being. Harry has sold his soul, and his silence in that moment was proof of that making him as despicable as her.
There are some questions being asked about why his wife is nowhere to be seen, and even a suggestion she raised “gentle concerns” about Harry’s memoirs. She’s setting him up for the fall and he’s walked right into her trap. In that sense, he’s cooked his own goose, and she will come out looking the better everything while also being able to hold that over his head like a Sword of Damocles.
What a mess. I don’t even want to think about the Coronation! xox
Dearest lickem,
Ps I’ve just found out about Jimmy Kimmel’s new book
“The Prince and the Penis” ( a take off on the “The Princess and the Pea” ….now that’s worth buying 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
H is such a dick 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Yes, that’s the one in the skit I mentioned … it deserves all those laughing emoji’s Xx
So does your comment by the way 😉
Dearest lickem,
I had to research the history of the Sword of Damocles .. excellent analogy lickem. Always learning something new here. Hehe
Harry is a clear example of not being happy with his ‘privileged’ lot.
Fear not, M is plotting something evil. She’s conspicuous by her absence Haha
What’s that saying, ‘be careful what you wish for’ and ‘how much is enough’ ?
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Dear Mr Tudor,
I’ve read your articles on the narc and being sick, however I don’t recall one on the narc in aged care.
Do you have any further information in this area please ?
As always, with thanks
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
AV, don’t know how many times I’ve said that, but I agree!
Before I knew about narcissism, when I tried to explain my relationship with my ex-husband that’s how I described it. Exactly. Thanks for sharing that.
@ava101 I hear you. And what you are pointing out is why NPD runs through generations. You can’t learn empathy and self-agency from a control freak, so when you are raised by an NPD, you have to learn many ‘soft skills’ one you have grown or moved beyond the NPD’s influence…
The matriarch does always know best…’Child..I thought you were brighter than this… it’s your birthday party but I’m too busy shopping… it’s your graduation but I can’t attend..child..why do you cry because I’m off on another 3 month holiday leaving you to look after the house and siblings.. child . you can’t go to school today because I need you…child..why do you never grow old.. child why haven’t you lost any teeth… child..your still alive..’
I was frozen.
So my mom was an Angel compared to yours. She tied too tight, too much, giving no space of its own. She always knew better. But not so overtly repulsive. Sometimes she didn’t notice me… Of the two evils, this is probably the better one.
Can anyone survive a mother not living them? I guess another family member or substitute can help. But I read the most important years in a child’s development are 1-3. I think that’s when a mothers love becomes self love. A baby cries, you nurture, he or she knows they are important. I suppose if skipped then someone else can teach a child self love later and it doesn’t need to be the mother. How awful. I always wonder when it doesn’t happen where is the village? Anyone? Even in destitute countries children learn to be loved. Mother Theresa spoke about this saying poverty was not just money. She pointed to Western countries like New York City and indicated the lack of family, the lack of community, the lack of love. And we all see them per HG it’s too late for the narcs, they get indoctrinated young but it reminds me of the song by The Rolling Stones: Sympathy for the Devil. I can’t see it happening but think like john Lennon. Imagine a world where no child goes without nurture or love. We have capability. Resources are there. But it’s a utopia but what a world that would be!
Contagious,
John Lennon. Now there’s a suspect narc if ever I saw one!
I know what you mean though and agree with the sentiment. Xx
I read an article about Emma Thompson in the New Yorker this month edition. She calls herself an empath and she met a semi adult teen from Africa who she “adopted.” He had lost his family in tragic circumstances and she met him at her refugee charity. He says he found out later she was famous. Rich… duh. But his mum gave him a wonderful life. Makes you wonder if it’s not too late for some. ❤️ He may not have the gene but he had the horrors. I know from HG love alone can’t save someone but bravo Emma!
Mother Teresa. Holy Narcissist? Excellent subject to be placed under the Tudorscope. Let us see how much we think we have learned.
Do you think Jesus was an empath? I do.
Dearest NarcAngel,
Reports say….
MT managed to accumulate $100mil plus in her account, cough charity or whatever ….hmmmm….it appears secret classified information. MT could’ve bankrupted the Vatican apparently
MT had a side entrance to the bank of the Vatican and had $50mil in another account in NYC
Question is ….. how was the money spent and where did the money go ? 🤨
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
My family was always isolated, except for church. I do wonder where I got my values and empathy from There had been only my grandfather who cares, and I saw him maybe twice a year for a couple of days. It’s a mystery to me.
Contagious,
You ask, “where is the village?” I think there is always a ‘village’ but it doesn’t look like a stereotypical village. In Western countries and places like New York City, the ‘village’ is ‘modern life’. It may be child-care centres or health clinics, it may be blogs on the internet or social media. The village may not be physical relationships or tangible social support. And maybe that is where the modern ‘village’ isn’t as effective in helping to raise a child as it was in historical contexts.
Just today, I read an interesting article about the ‘mother-child dyad’ and in particular, how well-meaning people who believe they are offering constructive advice to exhausted new mothers may actually be doing more harm than good.
The article details are:
‘The Dance of the Dyad: Honoring Mother and Baby amidst Modern Day Sleep Training Culture.’
By Callie Hamilton
– found on a website called ‘Slumber and Swoon’
(By the way, the article is written in an annoying light blue font. I copied and pasted the text into a word document which made it easier to read.)
An interesting point made in the article is that sleep is a biological function, as is eating and going to the toilet. As a biological function, sleep can’t be ‘taught’. Babies are like adults in that you can’t ‘teach’ an adult to “go to sleep now” because the adult will sleep when the biological need and surrounding environment is conducive to sleep.
As with adults, babies cannot sleep on command simply because they have been placed in a bed or left in a dark room by themselves. Sleep is not within conscious control. So telling a new mother that it’s important to “teach a baby to sleep” or “let the baby cry it out alone” etc, is misleading.
The article provides more information about ways that environments can be modified to help babies fall asleep while also allowing the mother to use her intuition and remain connected and responsive.
The article has more information about the way new mothers are often exhausted and overwhelmed, feeling they need to do everything themselves, which can turn into feelings of discouragement, failure and also depression because they can’t do everything perfectly.
To offset the feelings of discouragement and failure, the new mother may feel the need to ‘fix’ her baby or receives advice to make the baby more compliant or well-behaved. For example, “Walk away from your child, let him learn to self-soothe, he needs to be an independent sleeper, you’re tired mama,” etc. As the article says, this is providing false ‘quick-fix’ messages that suggest the baby needs ‘fixing’ when there was nothing wrong with the baby in the first place.
Contagion,
In light of your comment, “where is the village?” I thought this article was interesting. The environment surrounding a mother raising her baby has changed a lot since the times of ‘real villages’. However, the biological and development needs of a baby have not changed that much over time. Somehow, the modern environment mothers and babies are living in needs to adapt to the ‘mother-baby dyad’s’ needs instead of the other way around.
I am conflicted. They say childhood development from 1-3 is th most important. I always Tek that meant building the ego. I find your important therefore you are. My children are happy strong independent compassionate people so I feel great about my decisions. Both say I was a wonderful mother. Yet, my aunt had 11 children. She slept downstairs and said sleep soothe was ok. She also told me potty training was nothing. Do nothing. They go when ready. Many doctors today agree. Her children turned out the same. All ten one died sh is 95 now cared by all of them adore her. Wonderful. My Aunt is a devoted mother and kind. Compassionate. So based on my family experience I don’t know.
Wiser Now: hello and happy holidays! I thought I had replied earlier. I am not a self soother. I believe the age of 0-3 is a time to develop the ego. They cry, you respond. They matter. Ego builds. I was not a Hoover mother. I also believe that as children age we let them learn from their mistakes. Let them grow and be independent! I always looked at my children as gifts from God. My children turned out better than I thought ver dreamed. Happy, confident, compassionate, intelligent and wildly ambitious. I followed their lead in choices. My son wanted military at 3. He was smart but never wanted to be a pencil pusher. I got up at 6 and took him to sea youth at a Navy base in Seal Beach on Saturdays. Funny story: they have a giant picture of a hot young adult with a gun in the jungle over the door, and it says, “ why do a video game when you can do the real thing!” Yes! True! The general told me when asked “ we aren’t recruiting.” Then he asked me to join the other families while he spoke to the boys lol. My son dislikes swimming and became a marine. He is a boxer too. My daughter is straight As since school and full scholarship in computer science at LMU. She would prefer being an actress. So I said, why not put yourself in your own films and study abroad. She is in Germany and did a documentary on French fashion. Home soon. Is there success and inner contentment from not self soothing? I don’t know. My Aunt raised 11 kids. They slept upstairs and there is no doubt some cried themselves to sleep. All are great people, college educated, family oriented and seem well adjusted. My Aunt like my fathers side ( not my mothers) are kind good people. That sums it up. Our grandparents are from Friesland. So given the different styles of self soothing, I would say if the 0-3 feels love, nurture, acceptance, kindness and maybe ( genes) the child will be ok. As for me, I am all for sleeping with the baby!
Oops I am a self soother! Lol
Hi Contagious,
Thanks for the well wishes. Happy New Year and I hope you enjoyed the festive season too.
It’s normal, I think, to feel conflicted. There are many aspects involved in raising children, and by the way, I don’t have any, so I can’t speak from direct experience.
The article I mentioned was an example in which advice given to new mothers can be prescriptive in the sense that it overrides a mother’s intuitive response to her baby. I think the article focused on the concept of sleep being a biological function that can’t be trained or demanded.
On the subject of self-soothing, personally I think it’s cruel to leave a baby to cry alone until he or she falls asleep and I don’t think I would or could do it. Then again, I haven’t had children so I’m speculating about what I believe I would do.
I also think that there are many ways parents can show love and care to their children in addition to whether they let their baby self-soothe or not. It may not have any negative effects if there are plenty of other ways a baby is shown empathic nurturing.
About your Aunt who had 11 children, wow! – my mind boggles just thinking about being a mother to 11 children. Perhaps if your Aunt’s children self-soothed, it didn’t matter because they had constant companionship and interaction with each other and were able to learn empathy, confidence and social skills that way.
Like you, I also think 0-3 is the crucial age when a child needs to feel love, acceptance and nurturing. This really establishes the foundation of the child’s worldview and attachment to others.
Hi Contagious, yes, I am a living example of a person who survived a mother who cannot love. A father also. It’s a very barren existence. I have two siblings, both younger, who I loved, and still love, so there was that. But when you’re all in survival mode, there’s not a lot of time or energy to show that love. We moved 10 times in the first 12 years of my life, never around family, so no one to help.
I did not really “learn to love” until I had my first daughter. In my case, my children have largely taught me to love, just through seeing their love, so transparent and straightforward. How odd is it to have it this way, backward, but it’s how it was. I feel that I’ve finally, with HG’s help, put it all together, it was confusing, knowing I was learning from my kids and that it wasn’t normal.
Being an empath gave me the ability to love, I am thankful for that, but not the knowledge of what that looks like untill into my 20’s. I did know that things hurt, I still can’t hear about an animal being injured for example, and that we did not do these things, only bad people did them. So when my mom kicked the cat because it was underfoot, it was confusing, a wrong action by a supposedly “good” person in my life. Same when she abused us. Hence massive amounts of cognitive dissonance that I’ve been sorting through since finding HG.
I feel like my parents had three children and admitted 3 broken adults into the world once they were done with us. Broken but not destroyed. Repairable but with a lot of intentional investment into the repairs. I am better today than yesterday and than last year or five years ago etc. I see people for whom it is easy, it is difficult not to envy them. But who knows what they are dealing with also. My brother has made his life work but he is not healed, my sister cannot heal.
I also try to consider that my parents were also broken, and irreparably so, it helps to remember this. A tiny bit. But it still goes on today with my mother, I maintain firm ANC with the very real knowledge that to not do so, I might be in jeopardy. As in I cannot handle more than a very few minutes with her before I do not function well and either strong anger or deep depression overtake me. Yesterday was a challenge, being a holiday and most of my family do not understand. I did vent for about 2 minutes after the day was done, my son, who lives with her and I also, does understand and allows these occasional vents. He does them to me at times also. It helps. After venting, when I can really let it out, I can move on. She is very annoying and given my history with her, it quickly escalates beyond annoyance if I’m not extremely careful. My other kids also understand that buffers between us are helpful so they seat us apart and so on. That really helps but it makes me sad also that they see me as at least half the problem. My kids do not know most of my history with her, I would not burden them with that, so all they see is me reacting badly to her at times. But they accept that it’s just our dynamic, or something. Anyway, just to answer your question, and there are others like me. We have no viable choice but to somehow live and make the most of the broken pieces. Finding HG, narcsite, a couple of years ago has helped me more than all the years prior, therapy, counsel etc. I do not believe I would’ve ever had a chance at being a healthy person had I not find him. I feel strongly about getting his message out for those still trying to patch things together on their own, it’s almost impossible.
Wow! How amazing you survived that to being able to love and nurture your own. Maybe your siblings love was enough to learn. They say it takes one to create a loving individual. Could be a teacher, a grand parent or maybe a sibling. Sounds like you also came to a wise conclusion for you and yours. Bravo! Yes, a good example of how anything is possible!!!!
I am not a hero, I was just answering your question. Perhaps it was with my siblings how I developed empathy, or I didn’t get the narc gene, or the LOC want enough to trigger it, for me. I believe my sister is a narc. We had no adults around us for any significant amount of time to make a difference. So who knows. There was no village, it was just 3 kids.
Umm… Yes someone can survive not having a mother who loved them. I’m living proof of that. Not only did I have a mother who didn’t love me, I also had a father who didn’t love me. Here I am, an empath. I find your question a bit insensitive since many of us had mothers who didn’t love us and survived.
Leigh: no harm intended and I always aim to support all here. I just was pointing out that it takes a village. What do you do if you are born to an unloving mother? My own mother is a conflict for me. I love her despite her limitations. I realize she was born in a harder situation than mine. I had a very loving father. So I was lucky. My father was an alcoholic, Vietnam hurt him but I was lucky. And it’s wonderful that people can survive a mother who can’t love. It’s an unbelievable commendable achievement! Best to you!
Contagious,
I want to apologize for my comment. It was very aggressive and there was no reason for it Yes, somehow I survived being unloved as a child but I barely survived. I’m still fully ensnared to my narc husband and one of my children is a narcissist. It was difficult to read your comment and I reacted poorly. I apologize.
Oh Leigh no harm at all. No need to apologize. Sensitive subjects. Hugs!
Contagious,
I had a narcissist mother and my dad, maternal grandmother and my childhood dog showed me love. I’m working on building my self love, it’s a bit lacking from the start. I think my friends played a part of showing me love, so my mother’s lack of love didn’t destroy me completely.
Dearest Contagious,
Can anyone survive a mother not loving them (my father ticked off when I was 6 months old and there were no other family substitutes) ?
My answer is …..yes !!! I’m here to prove it haha
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Awesome reply! Without hope what is there?
Dearest Contagious,
Survival !!!
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Commenting previously “I am amused at the Jerry Springer mention. I can totally relate to that. Those shows were a free-for-all. OMG. Damn. PC prevents a possibility of the matrinarcs of today to get a real-bitch slapping” hahahahahahaha