Knowing the Narcissist : Why the Narcissist Targets You



When we set our sights on acquiring our appliances to fuel us, it stands to reason that we dedicate the greatest amount of time to the person who is going to be our primary source of fuel. Of course the amount of time dedicated to this depends on the relevant narcissist but all of our kind are looking for certain traits which are prevalent to empathic individuals.

There are certain core traits which exist in empathic individuals. Normal people will have some of these traits, probably not all and they will not have the traits to the extent and degree of an empathic person. Thus, this is why normal people are rarely made our primary sources. There are also traits which are known as class traits. These are the traits which appeal to the relevant cadre of narcissist, be that person a Victim, Somatic, Cerebral or Elite Narcissist.

The core traits are hugely important to us. Their existence provides us with the three key elements that we take from our victims. Firstly, these traits means that the fuel provision will be high because of their connection to the emotional output from the victim. Secondly, there are certain residual benefits that come from these traits which we want. Thirdly, by attaching ourselves to somebody who has these traits we can pretend we have them too. We do not have these traits. Therefore we want to take them from you to apply to our construct and pass them off as belonging to us. Since we are experts and copying, we do not have these traits for ourselves and we do not feel them, but we are able to replicate what they look like by studying how you behave, because you have these traits. We then apply this to our own behaviour in order to maintain the façade. This fools other people into thinking that we are honest, decent and loving. It also enables us to mirror your traits and reflect them back at you so that you think we have them also. This makes us all the more appealing to you and ensures that you are bound closer to us. Accordingly, identifying these core traits in our victims is extremely important. The more of these traits that you have, the better. The more of these traits that you have, the greater the likelihood of being ensnared by our kind. A combination of the core traits and the class traits appearing in the way you behave and act draws our kind to you. We sense and see these traits and lock our sights on you as a prospective primary source.

There are ten of these core traits. The ideal is to find a victim who has all ten core traits and exhibits them to a considerable degree. We would then also want them to exhibit the relevant class traits which match with the type of narcissist that we are.

The Lesser Narcissist is unaware of these traits but like a hungry wolf sniffing out food he can sense the existence of these traits and know that the person exhibiting them is somebody he wants with him.

The Mid-Range Narcissist recognises these traits as admirable traits for a person to have. He sees them as plus points in the same way as someone might regard someone who is interested in art, travel and classical music, as a good match to start dating. The Mid-Range knows that he values these traits but he does not know the fundamental reason why he is drawn to them.

The Greater Narcissist knows what these traits are and why they are important. He knows the function that they play, he knows better than anybody else how to detect them and the places where (“the hunting grounds”) people can be found who will have these core traits and also the class traits. The Greater can sniff out the existence of these traits and match the target to them before moving in to ensnare that person.

So, what are these traits? Well, here are five of the ten by way of example. It is highly likely that you will have all five of these traits and you will have them in significant amounts because that is why you were ensnared by a narcissist to begin with.

Love Devotee       – we require our targets to be committed to the concept of love. You want to find love, experience love, love and be loved. The idea of love is central to your existence and you truly believe that our purpose on this earth is to love others. Not only does this mean loving those around but above all else you believe in the fulfilment that arises from having that one special person who you are committed to, who you will do anything for and who you will make sacrifices for. The existence of love is a reason, to you to exist and therefore you must find it and once located, obtain it and maintain it. We want love devotees because your dedication to love often blinds you to so much else and accordingly by pretending to give you love we can hook into this trait of yours and it allows us to ensnare you all the more readily.

Compassionate – our target must exhibit compassion. This compassion must be mainly for us although we are content for it to be exhibited for other people and objects such as animals, in order to detect it. If we identify that someone cares more about animals and things and not people however we do not consider that this fulfils our requirement. At an early juncture, if we see evidence of compassion for animals it generally (but not always) follows that this person will be compassionate towards humans as well.

Decent – We look for decent people. People who are well-mannered, polite and understanding. People who have consideration for others, wait their turn in speaking, allowing others to take a slice of cake before anyone else, giving to charity and conducting him or herself in a dignified manner. Decency is an attractive trait because it tells us that you will adhere to certain standards and that you also expect us to do the same. This matters because we know that this is often indicative of the fact that you are therefore unlikely to give up on us when the going gets rough.

Moral Compass –  we prefer a person with a strong moral compass, somebody who would hand a wallet to the police with the contents intact if they found such an item in the street or they would alert the shop assistant if they were handed too much change. This person is monogamous and faithful and believes others should conduct themselves by a similar moral code. Again, this tells us that you are far more likely to hang in there once devaluation starts and our behaviour will offend your moral compass so there will be the accompanying emotional reaction and thus copious fuel.

Caring – an individual who will always look after somebody else. Whether it is through working to provide for us, running the home in an excellent manner, looking after us when we are ill and being concerned about our well-being, the caring trait is very important and must be evident in our primary source especially. Not only will this tell us that you will want to look after us but it also signals to us that when we begin the devaluation of you, you will want to fix us and heal us and therefore you will keep plugging away, trying to do the right thing. It also tells us that we can expect considerable residual benefits from you in terms of you looking after us, which accords with our view of how you should be, subservient and obedient.

Learn more about why the narcissist targets you in Sitting Target


H.G Tudor - Sitting Target e-book cover

Why did the narcissist choose you? How did he or she go about deciding that you were the ideal target for him to launch his campaign of seduction upon? Did you do something to attract the attentions of this dangerous foe? This direct and comprehensive book will enable you to understand what it is that the varying types of narcissist look for when they are searching for victims. Whether you wish to prevent it happening again or you need to understand why you were chosen, this book will deliver the answers in an uncompromising and straight forward manner. What are the things that various types of narcissist look for? How do they go about establishing their targets satisfy those traits? What are the Special Traits which attract all narcissists? Where are their hunting grounds and which is the most dangerous? Who does the narcissist go after and why are certain people left alone? What does the narcissist mean when he or she is looking for green lights? These questions and more are answered in this hard-hitting and unsettling look into why the narcissist chooses you.

US e-book here

UK e-book here

AUS e-book here

CAN e-book here


6 thoughts on “Knowing the Narcissist : Why the Narcissist Targets You

  1. annaamel says:

    ‘I’ve known him a while, been married since 2004. I’m like the frog in the boiling water, except I’m aware now and I can’t stay. It’s upsetting, hell, I’m angry I spent all this time, making a home….working to make it’

    I agree that it’s the awareness that makes the difference. There’s that saying – ‘don’t throw good money after bad’ which means once you realise you’ve been doing something in a less than ideal way, don’t continue doing it as a way of vindicating those choices. Awareness is everything. Once you’re aware, you make a different choice. (Which is the save as you know, you go, right?)

    ‘you know the worse…when he yells, I don’t get scared of him anymore….my dog shakes and I comfort my dog and I’m ready for him to try hurting my dog. I’m all ready to defend my dog. I’m watching him, tense and waiting.’

    This is terrible. That your dog shakes and you have to comfort your dog. That’s not a way to live. You only don’t shake because you’ve become numb to it. You’re inured. But the dog isn’t and can’t ever be.

    ‘Maybe he’s afraid of what can happen to him in court and he doesn’t want to lose all he’s gained with me, my assets and what I bring to the table, the house i put a down payment on, the cars in my name, my affection and attention.’

    He is worried of losing control over you and the residual benefits which are like icing for him. He understands you can survive without him – that you’re strong and smart – and that scares him. If you leave, though, what do you think he’ll do? Will he pine for you forever? No. He’ll find another woman. She’ll take on the role as his caretaker.

    ‘I’ll get a lawyer and beat him without having to touch him. I know my power now’

    You do have power and you have support and guidance from an expert in these matters available. You can beat him by obtaining your freedom from him and rebuilding.

  2. Be Fit and Healthy says:

    Amazing post
    This was an interesting and enlightening read. It’s quite unnerving to read about how narcissists seek out and target individuals based on specific traits that they exhibit. You mentioned that there are ten core traits, but only provided five examples. Can you share what the other five traits are that narcissists look for in their potential targets?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Yes, read Sitting Target.

  3. Rebecca says:

    Love devotee? Yes, definitely I have that trait. I remember as a child, that I often daydreamed about being married and loved, it was most important to me to have someone special in my life, to love and take care of that person, to be there for that person. To me, having someone to love is priority in my life. I don’t think I could live without someone to love and care for. I think my life would be empty and without meaning…why it’s so hard for me to imagine life alone and why it doesn’t look appealing to me. It scares me , but I have to remind myself that change isn’t scary, just different and there’s always an adjustment time. I’ll adapt to it and it’s not forever, things change.

    1. annaamel says:

      Rebecca, i can appreciate that as a love devotee you find it hard to imagine being alone. But ask yourself this: does your current husband love you? Is he capable of love if he’s been assessed as being a narcissist?

      He wants you with him because you fulfil the prime aims for him. He makes an effort to keep you when he feels you slipping because you supply him with things he needs. He wants those things so he has to try harder now and then to make you think he’s invested in the relationship. But he’s invested in himself and what he needs. Your needs are not intrinsically important to him. Because he cannot love you.

      I’m sorry to be so harsh and direct.

      1. Rebecca says:

        Hi Annamel,

        My husband is a MLSomatic narcissist, confirmed by HG. No, he doesn’t love me and it’s evident every night, when he doesn’t get the yes he seeks from me. I’ve emotionally distanced myself from him and he knows it, why he’s trying to gain control again through sex,but I’m not jumping aboard with him on that. I’m keeping my distance emotionally, it’s hard because I feel bad for him at times and other times I feel I could beat him. I’ve known him a while, been married since 2004. I’m like the frog in the boiling water, except I’m aware now and I can’t stay. It’s upsetting, hell, I’m angry I spent all this time, making a home….working to make it and it was all for nothing…but, you know the worse…when he yells, I don’t get scared of him anymore….my dog shakes and I comfort my dog and I’m ready for him to try hurting my dog. I’m all ready to defend my dog. I’m watching him, tense and waiting. Nothing.
        He claims my temper scares him. He’s full of bs. He’s not afraid of me. Maybe he’s afraid of what can happen to him in court and he doesn’t want to lose all he’s gained with me, my assets and what I bring to the table, the house i put a down payment on, the cars in my name, my affection and attention. I know what I’m capable of in court, maybe that’s what he’s really afraid of. I’ll get a lawyer and beat him without having to touch him. I know my power now and maybe he is afraid.

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