How To CoParent With a Narcissist
Often viewed as one of the harshest outcomes from an ensnarement with a narcissist is the issue of children and co-parenting with the narcissist. A frequent question that is asked of me by many individuals who find themselves in this predicament, worn down and unsure of how to go about this in an effective manner for both themselves and also their child or children.
The most common reason given to failing to implement total no contact is the issue of shared parenting with a narcissist. The attempt to escape the nightmare of ensnarement is viewed as unachievable and increases the concern, fear and anxiety for the non-narcissist parent in feeling eternally chained.
Using HG Tudor’s established expertise with regard to the field of narcissists and narcissism, this Assistance Package addresses a wide range of matters in an easy-to-understand manner, with practical advice and tips which have been successfully used by individuals co-parenting with narcissists and all based on HG Tudor’s unrivalled understanding.
This Assistance package covers
Co-Parenting as part of your no contact regime
Tackling handover arrangements with regard to children
Reducing the risk of being hoovered because of co-parenting
Handling hoovers if they happen through the co-parenting regime
How to address communication with the narcissist with regard to co-parenting
What to do when the narcissist becomes problematic concerning arrangements
What to do where the narcissist involves a new partner with the children
What to expect in terms of the extent and regularity of the narcissist’s involvement in the co-parenting process
How to deal with joint decision-making, such as matters of education or health
How to handle occasions where joint appearances occur in relation to school or sporting events
Plus much more ground-breaking and supportive information.
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52 thoughts on “How To CoParent With a Narcissist”
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WhoCares, I wanted to say, a big congratualtions on your long, yet, successful journey through the legal process regarding your son. I’m pleased for you and your son. Thank you for sharing your experiences throughout the whole process, so that others can utilise it for themselves, should the need arise. Well done, WhoCares x
https://narcsite.com/2025/08/02/how-to-coparent-with-a-narcissist-11/comment-page-1/#comment-466177
Asp Amp,
Thank-you for your kind words!
“Thank you for sharing your experiences throughout the whole process, so that others can utilise it for themselves, should the need arise.”
I have learned so much from HG’s work and my interactions here…if I can return that back, by sharing a bit about my own experience and outcomes – and someone benefits from it – that would make me so happy to know.
WhoCares, 8 years is a long time and you saw it through, utilising HG’s work to succeed. No doubt, you’ll be educating your son in the meantime until he is old enough to “meet” HG (his work).
Bravo!
One of my favourites.
And a good opportunity for an update (although I was intending to wait for September, after the next court date.)
I no longer have to “co-parent” with my father’s son – haven’t had to for quite some time. My son hasn’t had a visit with his narcissist father for close to three years now. Plus, his father hasn’t shown up for the last four court dates, and his current lawyer is no longer covering for him…so, another adjournment to September 2025.
I think it was one lawyer ago, or maybe more (I am losing track, as my ex has gone through four lawyers in three years – 3 of them motioning to be taken off the record) when I was on the receiving end of threats of a motion for being in contempt of the order. But I weathered that and it never materialized.
In May of this year all my ex had to do was dial ten numbers to kick-start supervised access, with his son, back into motion. However, he apparently couldn’t manage that.
And then he couldn’t manage to show for a settlement conference and subsequent court dates. It appears withdrawal is his current choice to control the situation and I fully support that!
Hi WhoCares,
That’s great news! I hope it becomes a final decision in court next month for you and it’s a sealed deal! Xx
Hi Rebecca,
Thanks! At this stage, the only way my ex could attempt to turn things around for himself is to involve the Office of the Children’s Lawyer. But that’s not going to happen. For one, he’d have to show up at court!
Hi WhoCares,
I totally understand what you’re going through. MLSN has an exwife with kids and when the kids were little, she took him to court for increase in child support, every time she got mad at him.
The court dates would be set and she wouldn’t even bother to show up! He took time off of work and she doesn’t even bother to show up! She wasted the courts time and het excuses were lame and the court would dismiss it and no increase for her.
What a waste of their time and I’m pretty sure she was a narc getting control of her narc exhusband. The court needed to fine her, but they didn’t. She did it like four times too.
I’m glad the kids are grown and I have nothing farther to do with her. She doesn’t get involved much with her kids and 2 of the 3 won’t have much to do with her either. The one kid called her out on her behaviors and cut her off.
Good for him! She denied all her behaviors and blamed everyone else for what happened, refused to take any fault for anything. What does that sound like? Narc? Yeah, to me too.
So glad she’s in the past and I no longer have to deal with her. Xx
I hope you can say that about your ex soon. Xx
Rebecca,
“She wasted the courts time and het excuses were lame and the court would dismiss it and no increase for her.”
It is an understatement to say that vast amounts of time and resources are wasted, by narcissists, within the legal system.
“So glad she’s in the past and I no longer have to deal with her. Xx”
That’s good that she no longer has any impact on you.
As for my ex, as long as I am in the same city as him there’s a chance he could attempt some kind of hoover. I just follow HG’s advice to the best of my ability, so that it’s not worthwhile when my ex does comes back for a nibble.
WhoCares
Although sorry to hear you are still having to deal with this, it is indeed very good to read that some of the obstacles have been removed and /or his effects lessened (in a legal sense). How old is your son now? I understand if you’d rather not say.
I often think of Amy as well that used to be here and had similar co-parenting and legal issues with her ex. She utilized the Co-Parenting pkg and consulted with HG as well.
Amy, if you’re out there – I hope you and your children are well.
Hello NarcAngel,
It’s nice to see you around on the blog.
I don’t mind sharing my son’s age – he is currently 12 years old. What happened 3 years ago, which partly led to the present state of affairs, is that my son put on record – with 3 separate third party professionals – that he didn’t want to visit with his father. Well, as one might guess, 9 or 10 years of age is not really considered old enough (in the courts) to make that choice, so the position was taken that I likely wasn’t doing enough to encourage the visits or that I had negatively influenced my son’s view of his father.
The reality was that the supervised visits had been going poorly for some time (2 hour visits which would end early and I would be called to go pick up my son) and then, for a time, visits between them changed a bit. Roughly 3 years ago I, unfortunately, experienced a significant health set back and ended up in the hospital for a while and I couldn’t facilitate visits between my son and his father. Visits between them continued, and were still supervised, but the venue changed to different locales – including more normalized interactions – such as going go-karting. You would think that my son would have enjoyed this…but – you know, give the narcissist enough rope…
My son witnessed his father being hostile, paranoid and confrontational to the supervisory staff person who accompanied them to go-karting (among other incidences) and after that he no longer wanted to see his father and nobody was making him continue visits at the time.
It then became a little tense (for me), for a while, because at the time my ex had a decent lawyer – at least one that worked for a very large, successful law firm and appeared to be willing to really fight for him. He was the one sending me multiple threats of contempt. NarcAngel – this truly is shorter than the Cole’s Notes version. Anyway, my ex lost that lawyer and away went the threats of contempt.
My ex has a new lawyer (who is young and very capable), who is getting quite frustrated with his client (from what I can tell from our Zoom court dates) because he cannot apparently get in contact with him. So, perhaps another lawyer bites the dust soon…
It really is just a matter time before narcissists mess things up for themselves.
NA, how are things with you?
Any updates on your sister’s ensnarement?
Hi WhoCares,
Please let us know how it goes next month. I wish the best outcome for you! Xx
Rebecca,
Although I am perfectly happy with the status quo (the clock can keep ticking away until my son turns 18, as far I am concerned – I am too busy these days with work etc., for the family court matter to be a central focus), the courts will not allow indefinite adjournments. I will let you know what happens.
Rebecca, et al.,
Just to update you; my ex did not show up to court again. His current lawyer has motioned to be taken off record; this is now the fourth lawyer who has taken such action. (You must know it took some restraint to keep cool and collected, and to not grin like a smug Cheshire cat, when I heard that – because I knew it was coming.)
The court will attempt to reach him at his last known address. And if they are unsuccessful, we move to dismiss.
WC,
I’m so delighted to hear this! How much time do they have to give him to respond? I’m keeping my fingers and toes crossed that he stays away and you get to dismiss!
Thank-you Leigh and Rebecca.
I will have an update for you in November.
Hi WhoCares,
Sounds like you are on your way to winning this one! Yay! I’m happy for you! You deserve to win and I hope he moved far away from you! Xx🥰
Rebecca & Leigh,
A little sidenote…
My lawyer: (Calls me)
Me: (I see it’s his number and instantly pick up) “Hello Mr. ________.”
My lawyer: “Hello Ms. ________. How are you?”
Me: “Good. How are you?
My lawyer: “I haven’t had time to know how I am this morning, why don’t you call me at the end of the day and I’ll let you know then, hmm, Ms. ________?”
Me: “Sure thing. (Asshole)”
That last word was in my head.
My lawyer is a narcissist and I was painted black at that moment because I didn’t immediately respond to an email sent the afternoon previous, with documents for me to sign. And I should know just how busy a man he is that he doesn’t have time to call me in order to prompt me to read and sign the papers – plus, I should already know how he is feeling.
Lol, more than one reason why I will be happy when this is over. I talk to my lawyer as little as possible.
The papers did confirm that my ex has stopped giving his counsel any instructions since the beginning of this year.
Hi WC,
Your lawyer sounds like a real piece of work! A total asshole for sure!
But I love that your ex has stopped giving instructions to his lawyer since the beginning of the year! That’s fantastic news!
I’m keeping my fingers and toes crossed for you!
“I’m keeping my fingers and toes crossed for you!”
Thanks, Leigh!
Hi WhoCares,
It’s looking really good for you and the outcome is sure to be in your favor!
I’m sorry your lawyer is a narc, but is he a good lawyer for you? Sometimes can benefit you, when you’re paying them to fight for you. Their pride sometimes works for your advantage. I’m hoping you’ll have great news for us soon! Xx💕
Rebecca,
“I’m sorry your lawyer is a narc, but is he a good lawyer for you? Sometimes can benefit you, when you’re paying them to fight for you. Their pride sometimes works for your advantage.”
You’re correct, that a narc lawyer wants to win and your win is their win. And, yes, despite the difficulties of interacting with this lawyer, he has been good for this round of family court. He is older, so has signority locally and I am sure he is actually busy; as he is an academic and a lawyer. He prefers to do everything via phone and email as opposed to at his office which is fine. However, he often would not give me straight answers with regard to the other side’s position. And when I have made certain observations or suggested certain actions – he would negate what I was saying in the moment to, only to be on the same page later (which was fine, and I learned to just wait and not press for what I wanted). He would call me up out of the blue and expect that I would be free to have a phone conversation at anytime – or, he would tell me to call him at a certain time and then when I did so, he would apologize and say he had an unplanned urgent matter (which could be true) to deal with and tell me he would call me back later. Sometimes he did, sometimes he didn’t.
The one thing that really irritated me was that my lawyer helped cover for the other side at one point. Earlier in 2025, when supervised access (between my son and his father) could have been restarted, all it required was a phone call from myself to the director of the supervised access program AND a call from my ex to the same individual – and then the intake process would have begun (again) and visits could have resumed. I had done my part in calling up the supervised access program – in fact, before the next court date I had called 3 times and spoke with the director just to verify that my ex hadn’t called yet, (I kind of didn’t believe it) and for due diligence. The director told me that I didn’t have to keep calling – that he would contact me – if my ex called him (or if my ex’s lawyer does so on behalf of his client). And, if nothing happens, the file closes after 90 days. I said I was just checking because we had another court date soon.
So at that court appearance, I told my lawyer that visits had not resumed because the other side had not done his part. My lawyer inquired with my ex’s lawyer and I was told that the other side had apparently called the supervised access center – to which I said couldn’t be true because the director would have contacted me with next steps. And, then my lawyer countered with “His lawyer reached out to them.” Which meant that my lawyer was lying for my ex’s lawyer, who was lying for his client.
The director of the supervised access program has known our family for eight years – and he is not a narc – he would have called me if we were moving forward with visits, and he couldn’t move forward without that phone call.
The one really good thing about this stage of the process and having a narc lawyer, is that if I don’t come up on the radar of my lawyer, then he doesn’t get motivated to check in with the other side (unless the process or the court prompts him too) and then that helps to not poke the bear, or cause threats to control to the other side. It’s actually a great feature of a narcissist lawyer, ironically.
Conversely, a lawyer with empathy, accountability and due diligence, in effort to bring things to a close, can actually cause hoovers from the other side through court action.
Just to be clear, I have not put my lawyer through the NDC – it’s not worth it, since I don’t deal with him on a daily, or even a weekly, basis. I can see the manipulations and also the comparison, having had a previous lawyer with empathy and accountability.
Hi WhoCares,
You’ve experienced some pros and cons of having a narc lawyer. I hope he recognizes who’s paying him and he doesnt keep covering for the other side. I would have my doubts about him too, after that incident.
If given a choice would you prefer an empathic, normal or, narc lawyer?
Which do you think would give you the most positive outcome?
I hope you have the best outcome for you and your child. Xx
HG,
Can I talk about a response you gave me in an audio consultation regarding empath lawyers vs. narcissist lawyers?
You may write it and I shall ascertain if it can be published, WC.
Thank-you HG, for posting my reply to Rebecca – and for reading my novella!
Rebecca (this is the separate shorter response to your inquiry),
“Which do you think would give you the most positive outcome?”
When I was having to choose a new lawyer and the pickings were slim, because there are so many conflicts (as my ex has either consulted with/or gone through so many lawyers) and because the lawyers here are often swamped and not taking on new clients – I decided to ask HG about the pros and cons of narcissist lawyers vs. empath lawyers. I won’t provide his expansive answer but, he said, on balance, that narcissists are better lawyers.
It’s my personal opinion that empath lawyers and narcissist lawyers are useful in their own ways.
Rebecca,
“If given a choice would you prefer an empathic, normal or, narc lawyer?’
I am not sure that I have a preference regarding lawyer types.
I enjoyed having a lawyer with empathy at the beginning – for one, he actually kept appointments – because he would hear me out, even if he didn’t fully agree with me. He was smart and pragmatic and wouldn’t give me hope where there wasn’t any (i.e. he would tell you what you needed to hear, not what you wanted to hear.) He was open to general questions as well, since he liked to educate about family law and the court system. I learned a lot about the legal system through him. I could tell that he was respected by the judges, and knew some of them very well, this was evident from some of the non-case related conversational exchanges that took place at court appearances. He also had a great working relationship with his admin person who, herself, had excellent people skills – she probably had to be one-third therapist, one-third legal assistant and one-third secretary. She excelled at all three. The two of them worked really hard (I can tell from the notes and the case law involved) to get me the summary judgment in my matter.
I was really sad when he closed his practice because he was taking a job offer from the Crown. Losing the connection with the two of them was a bit like losing a dependable friend – especially coming out of a situation of long-term abuse and isolation and having a very limited social support circle. Also, I really didn’t relish the thought of having to find a new lawyer.
Sorry this is so long-winded, Rebecca, but I really did appreciate this former lawyer of mine. This next example really illustrates why…
When the OCL (Office of The Children’s Lawyer) became involved in our case, their involvement was ordered on a lie and this fact greatly offended me. The judge at that time agreed to my ex’s request for the OCL’s involvement based on a court appearance where my ex nodded to the judge and indicated that he had paid his outstanding court costs (he lost his appeal and had to pay 2000.00 – but he had not yet paid and there was no documented proof that he had paid.). The judge simply took him at his word.
This was one point where my lawyer got quite frustrated with me – I didn’t want the OCL involved and my ex had achieved the his goal on a lie. But my lawyer explained that regardless of how we got to that point – the OCL’s involvement was inevitable because of the course our case was running. (What my lawyer didn’t know was that I had recently witnessed my rl empath friend endure the OCL’s assessment in her case – and she went through hell.)
Truthfully, I was super concerned about the OCL clinician in our case being a narcissist. My empath friend (who is educated in HG’s work) and I discussed the actions of her OCL clinician and we both were of the opinion that this was a narc she was dealing with (which would explain some of the difficulties of their interaction.) Add to that: working for the Office of the Children’s Lawyer would appeal to certain individuals (namely narcissists) going the route through law & social work to get there – because, in that position they have a lot of power in the lives of families in the legal system and the judges take their assessments quite seriously, often even fully relying on these recommendations without adding any further input of their own.
When the OCL clinician in our case called me up (it was during Covid so intakes were over the phone) I was prepared to watch for examples of accountability etc. or, alternatively, lack of adherence to the guidelines, etc. Right from the start she failed to properly consent me but she proceeded on anyway and I let it go on without pointing this out to her. She wanted me to tell her, from the beginning, our family’s situation. They are supposed to read the court file. And I pointed out to her that most everything is in the file; she responded by saying “Tell me as if I hadn’t read the file.” (And I recall thinking to myself: no, I am not doing your job and I am not reviewing my whole abusive situation with you at this point.). I believe I gave her some kind Cole’s notes version – I no longer recall. But I do recall phoning up my friend afterwards and saying that my intake was only 45 minutes (and I was so pleased about that fact); whereas my friend’s intake had taken 3 hours.
There were already indicators that the clinician in my situation was a narcissist – and I had worked so hard to keep narcs out of my life and my child’s life at that point – I was so angered and offended that I was going to have to allow this woman into our life and my home, as a result of a complete lie from the mouth of my ex….this was just too much.
The very next court date, (if was just an FCD via Zoom; basically a date to set a future date) I attended at my lawyer’s office – I didn’t really need to be there – as this date was one where it’s often just the court clerk setting future court dates and it can be a lot of waiting – especially if your lawyer is new-ish, as they go in order of signority. But I spoke with my lawyer’s admin and I was adamant that I wasn’t going forward with the OCL’s involvement – she had never seen me be this upset about anything; and said that I would have to speak with Mr. ________ (my lawyer) who came right out of his office because I was so distraught. I told him to tell the judge that I wasn’t going to compile with OCL’s involvement. He said we couldn’t change the course of things now. I said that I hadn’t actually consented to have Ms. So-and-so (the clinician) being involved in our matter. To which it was pointed out that I had proceeded with the intake, and was present when the decision was made to involve the OCL. I said that I never signed a paper (lol, I look back now and I was pretty desperate to not have this woman enter my life and home.) And then I said “He lied and still got his way.” (Meaning, my ex). Both my lawyer and his admin could see that I was clearly going to pose a problem over this issue, but they were at a loss to make me see sense. My lawyer said something to me about his intentions but I can’t remember because I was so upset. I was even upset over presenting at their office that way; because it isn’t like me and it takes a lot for me to stand up for myself in that fashion. In the end, I left the office because I had errands to run.
But – I got a call later from my lawyer’s office and it was my lawyer himself – not the admin – so I knew something was up. I was on public transit – I pulled the stop, jumped off the bus and headed to a sheltered spot out of the way of the busy traffic. My lawyer felt bad and said I didn’t have to get off the bus and I said “No, it’s fine. I really want to be able to hear you!” Turns out that his admin notified him that the judge for that day was one that had been favourable to my side since the beginning, so my lawyer made sure to explain that the motion for the OCL had been made with the assumption of my ex having paid his court costs (he worded it differently but I remember the wording was excellent) and that the judge responded that he cannot reverse the other judge’s order – and the OCL assessment would go forward – but that he was going to make a revision that the OCL’s report could not be used or brought before the court until my ex had paid his outstanding cost order. This was music to my ears and I was in disbelief – I recall exclaiming “This all happened today!?” (It was just an FCD date.) To which my lawyer laughed and said “Yes.”
None of this would have happened if he and his admin had not recognized the opportunity and chose to fight for me. So, lawyers – and admins – with empathy, accountability, and quick-thinking, will go that extra mile for you when it counts.
You already have some insight into how I feel about my current lawyer – things are still going my way but, he hasn’t had to put in a lot of work given the base laid down by my former lawyer, my ex being his own worst enemy and my ability to document well. I wrote a lot for him in the beginning and he used my words, with the very minor revisions of his own. He has an admin person now and I think she wrote the latest submission, but it has all the key points that I would want…just a matter of waiting now. Honestly, the best thing about this current lawyer is the fact the he has also allowed things to drag on – it’s given every opportunity to allow my ex to demonstrate his current non-involvement in the process and to allow our son to age closer to when his views are given more weight. My rl empath friend can’t believe this has been allowed to continue as it has – I say I am fine with the current status of no resolution. This is because at some point a judge was going to say “What the heck is going on here?” and not allow further adjournments etc., recognizing the misuse of court time and resources. And we are finally at that point.
That was very long-winded answer, Rebecca, but I think if I had to choose, given my experiences above…I think I would choose an empath lawyer. And I think my former lawyer was likely an empath with some Super traits. I believe his admin was also an empath – Carrier, think with some Magnet, likely – one did find oneself opening up about personal stuff to her. I don’t know that I have experienced a normal for a lawyer, so no opinion there. Sorry for the novel.
I provided a shorter comment that references HG’s opinion on this topic – but separately, so if he determines that it’s not to be posted, you’ll still get my novella!!
Hi WC,
Thank you for sharing the details of your experiences with a empath and narc lawyer.
I’m curious, how long have you been dealing with the courts? It does seem like its been going on for a very long time.
Hi Leigh,
“I’m curious, how long have you been dealing with the courts? It does seem like its been going on for a very long time.”
It’s been 8 years.
I thought it had been awhile. I hope its settled soon!
Leigh, Rebecca, NA, AV –
Update: I received a closing letter from my lawyer’s office. We got what we wanted; my ex signed the papers and the November court dates have been vacated.
Moving forward, any access between my son and his father is to be determined by the wishes of my son. And my ex cannot bring a further motion on the matter – without first asking permission of the courts!
That last bit…I have been waiting for years.
😃
WhoCares,
I’m so happy for you! That is great news! The best outcome possible for you and your son! I hope you go out and celebrate together! Xx🥰
That sounds like a cause for celebration, we’ll done WC 🍾
Yay WC!
I’m so pleased to hear this!
That is fantastic news WC! Congratulations!
WhoCares
So very happy for you and your son to have the result you long fought for a very much deserve. That your energy can now be directed to more positive and creative endeavors must feel like such relief. It may be an odd thing to say because I only know you virtually, but I am so very proud of you. All the best to you always.
NA
Well done, WhoCares. That’s great news.
Thank-you, WiserNow.
Thanks, AV!!
Me too, Leigh! Thanks.
“That sounds like a cause for celebration, we’ll done WC 🍾”
Jade, yes!
(But I will probably hold off until I pick up my files from my lawyer’s office 🙂)
Rebecca,
“The best outcome possible for you and your son! I hope you go out and celebrate together! Xx🥰”
Thank-you!
…well, my son won’t be aware that there was an ‘outcome’ – until he’s at least 18 – but, yes, a cause for celebration. 🙂
NA,
“That your energy can now be directed to more positive and creative endeavors must feel like such relief.”
It is so relieving! I was at work, when I read the email, and I could viscerally feel the sense of relief wash over me.
(My ex could come back for a nibble, legally speaking, but now with the extra hurdle – and his inherent LMRN laziness – it’s quite unlikely.)
Thank-you so much for your supportive words and presence on the blog, NA. ♥️
It’s very much appreciated.
Congratulations, WhoCares,
Glad for you and your son.
Hello Arya, thank-you for the congratulations. 🙂
If I am not mistaken – I think you find yourself in a co-parenting situation as well?
Please correct me if I am wrong; I recall commentary of yours where you may have referenced this.
If yes – I hope you have been able to access HG’s excellent material on the subject.
How you doing Arya? I think the last time I saw you here you had a date coming up…
So happy to read this WC!
Thanks, AV.
Nice to see you!
It is good to see you also WC!
Thanks WhoCares, for answering my question and it seems, based on your experience you wrote about, that empaths lawyers are better, at least the one you had. Xx
Rebecca,
“…empaths lawyers are better, at least the one you had. Xx”
Yes, absolutely, this one that I had was particularly good.
My rl empath friend had the same lawyer as me (although we didn’t know it when we first met – as I am extremely private until I get to know someone). She found another lawyer, with empathy it seems, but my friend would say this new lawyer is not as skilled as the one we both had previously (before he closed his practice.)
So, skill levels vary.