Welcome to Knowing the Narcissist.

I am H G Tudor. I am a narcissistic psychopath.

By my terminology I am an Ultra Narcissist. You will learn here what that means along with all about the other types of narcissists and empaths too.

I convey this is an effective manner based on my perspective. I know what I am and I know the best way to communicate this to you. I am a very effective communicator.

I write extensively about what this means and what I am. I have practised this dark art for many years, I have honed and crafted my abilities. I am aware of what I am and I am engaged in understanding why I am this way and why I act as I do. I am sharing these ongoing revelations.

I know my kind in considerable detail. I have several family members who are narcissists and have engaged with numerous in my life. I know the way my kind think, why we act as we do, say what we say and so much more. I understand why we target our victims and how we go about it. I comprehend why our victims think and act as they do. I have had many, watched many and listened to many. This allows me to build a formidable body of knowledge about not only my kind, but the people we engage with.

I am currently engaged in treatment which has been forced upon me. As part of this treatment and because I enjoy writing, I have been encouraged to share my knowledge. This is to engender a greater awareness of what I am on my part and also to allow the world an unrivalled view of the mind and actions of a narcissistic sociopath.

I do this because I like to write. I like to interact with people. I want to be the number one source for the reality of how my kind think and behave. I also find the weaponising of empaths and having them go into battle with my kind entirely in accordance with my worldview.

I do not do this for fuel. I do gain some fuel from the comments but since those who comment are tertiary sources (see the book Fuel for more) it is not significant. I gain far more fuel in my interactions in my private life.

I am direct. I do not speak in scientific terms. I welcome enquiring minds and those who want answers. I will give them to you. You will not gain understanding like this from anywhere else. I encourage you to read my articles and extensive collection of books which can be found on Amazon. I encourage you to contribute, ask questions and offer your own views. I read everything that is submitted to me and answer all questions, thus if your post does not appear straight away, please understand that it is in moderation and is either receiving or awaiting my attention.

The number of comments and hits are testament to the need for my knowledge and the huge usefulness many people have found from it. You will too.

Welcome on board. You will now Know the Narcissist.

HG Tudor





  1. I’m a narcissist. What can I do to help myself after many years? My entire family are narcissistic and I would like to break the habits so I don’t damage my child.

  2. Dear Mr Tudor
    The narcissist I have been with for 21 years, who took me from one the United kingdom, my home where I grew up, to now living in australia, also calls me names at the drop of a hat and criticises my every move, from how i open the oven, opening something, anything, calls me moron, c&nt, retard, b*th, spastic, at the drop of a hat, if I am driving, yet then carries on a second later as if NOTHING has happened. then I get mocked if I act hurt, yet if i so much as DARE minutely criticise anything of him I get the rage. Is this normal of a narccissit, you say you are on Sir, I say this to you, until I tell you my story of 21 years, the narccist whom I have lived with tops any narccisit out there.

  3. Dear HG, Do you think that perhaps by “helping” others understand narcissism, albeit apparently initially forced into it, that with each “thank you” you receive, your heart is softening and becoming more empathetic or does it fuel your pride more?

  4. Hello HG
    You say “I am currently engaged in treatment which has been forced upon me.” Who is “forcing” you into treatment? No one can force anyone to do anything (outside of the realm of violence) that they have no desire to do, so I can only think you have had an underlying desire to get to the root and remove it? Is treatment working for you?

    1. You are correct that I have an underlying motive to undertake the therapy whilst maintaining the facade that I have been “forced into it”. That facade is maintained to cause my family members to believe they have control over me, when they do not. It suits my purposes to maintain that fiction. It also distracts them from the real reason why I have been engaging in the therapy. It is not to “get to the root and remove it”. The treatment is working for me, although not in the way I believe you are asking, it is not curing me. I cannot be cured or healed.

      1. And what is your REAL reason for doing therapy? If you say you cannot be healed why bother going? I think outside of God’s intervention, there can be some healing, it’s a matter of your will. You choose whether you want to be healed or not. If you have decided you cannot, then you won’t be. I think it’s because narcs will have to step down off their throne and become equal to those around them, and that is a hard mental state to fix. The supposed power they think they have, they need to work hard to relinquish. And why do all that hard work to become a mere mortal?

        1. Hello BC,

          1. There are several reasons why I attend the therapy and they will be revealed in due course.
          2. Why bother going? Because it serves my interests on several fronts to do so.
          3. There cannot be any healing.
          4. It is nothing to do with will and it is a mistake to think that it is.
          5. It is nothing about “stepping down off the throne” and it is everything to do with a hard-wired self defence mechanism which cannot be removed. I recommend you continue to read through my work to help you understand that to think it is a matter of will is incorrect and it is also potentially dangerous to maintain such a view as it may lead, through the effect of emotional thinking, to continued involvement with the narcissist.

          1. Thank you for taking tbe time to reply. I myself am hard-wired to turn to stimulants, alcohol, and i overeating but I make a daily choice not to act on it.
            I look forward to more being revealed.

          2. I was reading Fuel and read about the office visit and you realized it was an addiction and so forth. Well, I was curious as well do you use these visits to learn even more about traits you don’t have so you have them in your back pocket? I mean it benefited you this arena and who knows what else.

  5. Pingback: Knowing the Narcissist
  6. HG,

    I just want to say, even though your motive is not for us per-say, but for your benefit in some way, thank you so much. It is very nice of you to answer our questions and help us understand. I am very grateful. I don’t know how I would have dealt with this stuff without you!

  7. Hi there, how can I effectively protect myself from the impact of narc´s observations in real life (after my break-up)? It does still impacts me emotionally and mentally … Shall I just smile it off? Thank´s for your ideas!

  8. Hey handsome. What do you think about narcissism becoming the flavour du jour– kind of like lip injections and Brazilian Butt Lifts?

    It seems that anyone who behaves badly is automatically defined as a narcissist, or worse, a covert narcissist.

    Do you think this hype is helping or hurting real narcissists maneuver through the world?

    (I realise you’ve likely answered this before, but I can’t be bothered to dig right now. Too many work deadlines.)

    Thanks kindly!

    1. 1. Narcissism controls the narrative and therefore narcissistic behaviours bleed into the behaviours of normals (the trout pout and selfie behaviours being two examples.)
      2. Such labelling is most likely being done by narcissists themselves. Empaths and normals are hesitant to do so.
      3. What hype are you referring to?

  9. Dear Mr. Tudor,
    Have you ever taken MDMA and if so how did it make you feel? Did you connect to any emotions differently.?

      1. Aww that was the naughty answer. I was just listening to a podcast about using those drugs and psychedelics on guided trips for therapeutic purposes and it seemed interesting for someone of your kind since I thought it seemed to reduce one’s defenses.

  10. Hello,

    I’m very curious about your view on art, or in general your relationship to beauty. I noticed knowing some people of your kind, and being close to them, that you are drown to what I would call very dramatic aesthetics, often with connection to mythology. I’m wondering if art can be some kind of fuel for your kind, or is it just currency for you?

    Kind regards,

    1. Hello Teodora,

      Art cannot provide fuel, but it can be used to garner it from appliances (people in the fuel matrix).

  11. HG!
    I wish you would analyze another TV show like you did Big Little Lies, and let us guess at what kind of narcissist/empath or normal the characters were. That was cool. I binge watch the reality TV show “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” and I always wonder which ladies and their husbands would you determine are narc’s and what kind and range they are. I’m sure you are a super busy person with a busy schedule but if you happen to get some free time, you should watch at least one season of it. These are multi-millionaires that are beautiful, lavish, and live in the center of Entertainment Universe. (I recommend season 2. One of the husbands that I think is a lesser commits suicide during that season, after he goes bankrupt and his wife outed him for beating her).

    Kind regards, HG!

  12. Hi HG I let a guy and his wife move in about 2 years ago on a home improvement for room and board situation. The first 6 months I was sure I found the brother I never had. The silent treatments started at this time and it bothered me a great deal at first but I quickly learned to shrug them off so they stopped. Then we started arguing all the time and I realized I cant win an argument against this person, I was like Jesus how can someone always manipulate reality to make their point. Also whenever I would prepare to face an angry person he would be calm and when I expected calm he would be yelling. I’ve realized in the last few months that I dont care if I’m right or wrong they still have to go. The problem is that when I defend myself by verbally proving thefts, turn my back on him and walk away, or even something as simple as saying you don’t tell me what to do I see his rage and this rage is at a level few could understand Often I’m backed against the wall with no retreat. I’m a little scared that when I hand them eviction papers next week and he sees that that I won’t discuss it with him he’ll react with violence. He is in my opinion a brilliant person but when he’s in a rage there’s something in his eyes that tells me I might not come out of that rabbit hole if I go down. No matter the risk I’m going through with it as continuing to exist with him in my house is no better than the consequences. My question is how concerned should I be as hes never gone so far as to assault me? Also I have talked to cops about protective orders but there’s no proof to warrant one.
    Thanks for great content and your time
    Dan G

    1. Hello Dan G, thank you for the compliment about my work. I understand your concerns. I need more information about this individual and the situation so I can advise you accurately. I have advised several people through consultation faced with similar situations to you and therefore I cn certainly help you should you organise a consultation with me.

  13. Hallo. I’m Helena and I wonder… If a narcist like to hover me… He is kind..loving..helpfull etc and I’m knowing IT… I’m aware who hé is and hoe he is working. I’m accepting his hovering because it’s very Nice and I take all gifs and then he stops It… Oké whatever I dont mind… What he is geting from IT and how long hé is going tot do so?? I want to tell that I was very much in love but he suck me and I’m ampty now. I feel nothing…I dont Care also. Because our finance we must keep toegether for a while. I wonder …. Do You think he is still getting something from me?? I know why hé came to my life and I’m gratefull also. But I see true him now.
    Maby You want to give me advice?
    I have one more question. Is IT possible tot coexsist with a narcist as for example room-meids? Sharing house without commitment? Ir not?
    Many people say… No-contact… No-contact but I dont like to leave abroad and miss everyone. It’s my LIFE and I’m staying no matter what. I would like to know… Is coexistens possible?
    With love Helena ♥️

  14. HG, I know I’m an empath but don’t know what kind. I know I’ll go way out of my way not to hurt anyone. Never have I been remotely cruel to anyone. Definitely not to a partner. However once married to a narc I became someone I didn’t recognize. He fought dirty with alot of verbal abuse. Always attacking my most sensitive areas. Thing is I became alot like him. Giving as good as I got. Honing in on his most sensitive areas and doing my best to hurt him. Even started online affairs. I hate who I became. Still do. Could it be I’m not an empath at all and be some form of narc myself? Will I ever get back to the way I was

  15. Dear Mr. HG Tudor,

    Have you heard of the term ‘inverted narcissist’? Do you know what this means? Do you agree with this definition and term? If not, what would you say is actually happening in the dynamic with an inverted narcissist, or how would you label such a person?

    Thank you for your response.

  16. Hello HG,
    One thing you have stated bothers me, well bothers me more than the usual truths you slam at us.

    You have stated that about one in six are narcissists. This, if true, leaves only 5/6 who are “normals” (I refer to them as “the grey”), empaths, psychopaths, sociopaths, BPDs and all other conditions out there. And since the majority I guess would be grey and I personally would guess there is about one empath to each narc (please challenge if you disagree) it really leaves little room for other conditions/disorders except narcissism. In order for the numbers to add up i might have a theory but I would like your insight in order to learn more.

    I think other mental conditions could be considered facets of narcissism.To clarify with a few…

    – Psychopaths seem to me to show signs of Lessers. Lots are in prison for lack of self-control.
    – Sociopaths seem to show signs of Greaters, you use this term as a description of yourself here in “About”.
    – BPD could be Lesser/Mid range. The “crazy girlfriend-type”
    – Deeply depressed people could be fuel starved victim narcissists.
    – Sex addicts could be somatics bingeing on sexual attention
    – Other cluster b disorders could also be linked to narcissim, lack of emotional empathy for instance being one obvious tell.

    Long lead up to my question, but I felt it neccessary in order for my question to be precise.

    1. HG, do you believe narcissism to be the core issue with these conditions mentioned above and others, and that these “disorders” are only the observable facets of the different schools and cadres of narcissism?

    1. Hello Mister Anderson (as always said in a Matrix style)

      You are correct with regard to the various “conditions” you have listed as presenting, essentially, as narcissism, but are mistakenly regarded as other matters. Depression, for instance, can be a “symptom” of a fuel crisis, although it could be a comorbid condition for a narcissist.

      There is invariably more than one empath per narcissist. There are more empaths than narcissists in the world.

      1. Thank you HG,
        The fact that such a host of conditions seems to be aspects of narcissism really boggles the mind. This could be one of the most important insights I have gained since I came here. Something that could even rattle the current science on the matter. I am been bothered with the focus on identification of symptoms instead of focusing on the driving forces of the behaviour. Leaving our the “Why” and focusing on the “How”.

        I have a follow-up question as well, since the number of narcissists are so high they must by force of shear numbers be present in more settings than most would believe.

        Would you consider that there is a proportion of your following here which are in fact victim narcissists, but thinking they are empaths, who feel like they were the subject to narcissistic abuse, but in reality are the abusers themselves?

        1. Hello Mister Anderson,

          Yes, there are a small number of narcissists who frequent this place. Occasionally we see an aggressive Lesser and more often (by comparison to the appearance of the Lesser) Mid Range Narcissists who think they are empaths. I would make it clear that these are very few in number and the vast majority of people who are reading and commenting here are True Victims. There are a small number of narcissists who repeatedly email me, send me messages on Skype and smear me elsewhere (under the pretence of being a do-gooder) in an attempt to gain fuel from me. My readers also know who these individuals are having honed their narc detection skills.

          1. Thank you for your response HG.

            It makes sense that most here are adept at detection. It is indeed a sanity-saving skill to have. One that I am grateful to you HG for enabling me to develop by sharing your insight.

    2. I thought something similar. I mentioned this and Mr. Tudor disagreed with me. Although I don’t remember how I phrased my comment.

  17. Hg is lying (unlike he claims) to gain fuel and admiration of women who are in pain. Hg knows that he is no ultra nothing. He struggles severely in the real world with this so-called skill. Don’t you Hon? Pregnant women or those having young children are easier targets for such cowards. Will big MegaNarc let this post????? Answer may well surprise me.

    1. 1. HG is not lying. You have made a bare assertion without evidence or substance. You make the allegation, you provide the proof. You have failed to do so – why? Because there is none.
      2. “HG knows that he is no ultra nothing.” Correct, I am not an ultra nothing. Thank you for your agreement.
      3. “He struggles severely in the real world with this so-called skill.” Which skill are you referring to? Do provide evidence of the severe struggle? I shall not hold my breath.
      4. “Will big MegaNarc let this post?” Yes. The answer may surprise you, but it will not surprise me. I posted it to demonstrate your shortcomings.

    2. John

      Do you not have anything better to do with your life other then post such a ludicrous comment to a man who obviously has more intelligence and class in his little pinky then you do in your little self! I say little self because it is obvious from the jealousy you have shown in your comment to HG, that you are suffering from little man syndrome! HG has just shown you much kindness in his comment to you, apparently it is because he knows he cannot have a battle of words and wit with someone who is unarmed!

      1. I can’t believe that comment was even allowed on this page. He’s obviously trolling….to even be able to locate this site, you have to be time invested in HD’s work in some sorts. You don’t just listen to One snippet and know how to get here. He’s here because he’s been listening and time invested in some sorts.. He knows HD is the real deal. If he didn’t he’d be on some of these life coaches websites trolling them, making comments about how they are lying. Why come all the way here just to call someone a liar? Sounds like some BS to me. Narcsite.com is not just floating around out there on Google’s main page. What sense does it make to join a blog that you don’t believe in?

        1. John Twaddle might actually BE one of those inaccurate and jealous life coaches visiting here. If not, his intention in wanting to warn/save others by addressing what he thinks is another opportunist is a bit premature. One should look around and get a feel for a place before they start slashing away blindly.

    3. He not only helps women but men as well…The men aren’t pregnant, easy targets lol. Even the most powerful, successful people in the world can be affected by a narcissist. Trust me….I witnessed it firsthand.

  18. Hello HG

    My Daughter was in an abusive relationship with someone that fits exactly with a Narcissistic personality, I’ve just been enlightened by reading your book Manipulated.

    There was sexual violence involved as well in her case. Threats of consequences if she told anyone etc. Eventually she told the Police but although they took it seriously, because it was historic, the case just had a slight shortfall to being taken on by the CPS.

    They have two children together, young children, just in single figures. After my Daughter managed to escape the relationship, contact was stopped for their safety for a good few months. It all went through Court and there was supervised contact ordered by the Court for several months before it was allowed to be unsupervised. He has them alternate weekends. Neither want to go and get anxious beforehand. Yet they are being manipulated at the same time.

    One child, the elder, was used by the Father, during the relationship to also say and do hurtful things to the Mother. After the contact was stopped, the child became calm and well behaved but since contact has resumed, the child is progressively showing more and more behavioural problems and recently (last 12 months), massive anger towards the mother, violent attacks on the mother and the child is obviously emotionally distressed after the the rage at the Mother.

    It is also clear that the Father, is using the children as messangers of certain things that only my Daughter knows the meaning of. So it’s like she is still being abused by remote control.

    The child has said that it believes everything its father says. For example “If you eat some colourful sweets, your poo will be rainbow coloured, will it Mummy?”
    Mother says, it might alter the colour a bit but it probably wouldn’t be rainbow coloured as such. Child says, “Daddy said it would, so its true, I believe everything he says!”

    The father is having such powerful influence over the child’s mind, that I am seriously worried about the damage it’s causing and probably permanent damage to the child’s mental wellbeing and futur personality.

    It is likely to go back to Court but from my Daughter’s past experience, the Courts don’t seem to handle mental/emotional abuse very seriously, especially with some older, male Judges. And, they seem to think contact with a father, whatever the father is like is better than no contact.

    Do you have any thoughts on how to deal with protecting the child from being further damaged by the Father and Paternal family (who all think the sun shines out of their Son’s backside and that my Daughter is crazy etc!). Recently the child overheard someone saying “the Mother shouldn’t be allowed to have children!”

    Thank you so much for writing the books. Maybe you could educate the Legal folk too – they need it just as much.

    Thank you again.

    1. Hello Wren and welcome, I am pleased my work has proven so useful to you. Yes, you are correct that the legal profession should be educated about this work, it would be of significant assistance to them. In terms of protecting the child, there is much that can be done but the detail is outside of a blog comment. I recommend that you utilise the Assistance Package “How To CoParent With A Narcissist” and also organise an audio consultation with me (please see the blog menu for how to organise those).

      1. Good evening HG

        Thank you for your reply. I’ll have a look at “How to CoParent With a Narcissist”.

        The Father has a new partner of over two years, she has two children (worrying!), you’d think he’d just concentrate on that instead of wanting to still control my Daughter.

        Thank you very much, it’s very helpful.

  19. Halito HG!
    I’m not certain if you’ve seen my previous comments, but I’m having trouble purchasing your books Fuel and Fury from Amazon. There is an error that keeps occurring after I process my order. Is there another way I can purchase these books?

    Thank you in advance!

  20. I know why you have so many fans, even stans. It’s because here, at least, you tell the truth. We’re here because someone told us lies or, most likely, LIVED a continuous stream of lies. You may well be lying to us about some things, but there is a core of nasty human truth that you probably don’t share with your significant other. We are flattered by it.

  21. Hello empaths!
    I have a question to all of you!
    Have you ever been attacked by your family members or friends for reading HG Tudor’s writings and articles?
    I was attacked several times. They say that HG Tudor is a lier or that he brainwashes people!
    It is NOT true! HG Tudor opened my eyes! Nobody ever helped me to understand narcissism. Nobody warned me how to recognise dangerous people. In my opinion Mr Tudor helps many empaths and I cannot understand why they behave that way! They never helped even psychologists never helped me. It is so sad.
    It seems to me that they want it bad for me, they want someone to hurt me and not be able to defend myself or recognise the threat. They say that nobody is perfect, ext.
    And you have you ever been attacked for reading HG Tudor’s work? Have you ever had similar experience?

    1. Hello K
      No I have never been attacked because most people don’t know I read this blog. Since I feel embarrassed by the fact that I fell for a narcissist I don’t mention it to most people I know. However I did mention HG to my therapist and she never heard of him. I understand what you are saying. Yes therapists always seem to make excuses for bad behavior. It’s like they want us to”understand” so we can have a better relationship with the person. Why do I want a relationship with a narcissist? Or someone who has continuously treated me wrong? I’m currently looking for a therapist who is well versed in narcissism. I’m tired of the excuses.

  22. If you weren’t easy enough, called him out on his bullshit and caused narc.injury by leaving him multiple times and now you are ignoring him, is there a way back into his good graces?

  23. Good morning. Whatever the reasons, this is a very useful resource.
    I do have a scenario that I wish to receive feedback regarding. This is a marriage question.

    What of the narcissist who, due to reasons related to his narcissism/ fuel, does not ever leave or want to? Their primary fuel partner is too important and reflects too highly upon the narcissist.

    What of the relationship in which the “non narcissist” won’t leave for reasons unrelated to the narcissist, though that person has full knowledge their partner is indeed a narcissist. She has accepted it silently, knows he will not leave her.
    (She doubts he is aware and would never say those words aloud).

    Tried leaving once. Never, ever again.
    The fallout was truly vicious. No contact didn’t work because kids. Kids were used as lieutenants. Smear campaigns were nothing compared to all the other horror. Prominent people mean help is not available.
    Once returned, back to “normal”, the usual, but that nightmare will never fade.

    How could one live with a narcissist, knowing full well that is what they are?
    I have no real friends. This is a situation I am used to after many years. I have found exactly the ways and methods to fuel the situation to keep denigrating to a minimum.
    I don’t care if he sleeps around but I honestly don’t think he does, just to spite me.

    I sleep with him when asked because I know it keeps him fueled. Then I am left alone, generally, until the next.
    I am never allowed to speak of any situation that I need support with. He isn’t here for that. It becomes about him every time when I used to try long ago, before I knew what he was.

    Trial and error, taking all emotion out of everything, has taught me how to handle this. If I do this, that is the result, and so on.

    Have you heard of this “type” of narcissist?
    I suppose that is my primary question. It’s interesting to me he is happy in this situation.
    It’s so obvious what is going on here, on the inside. Externally, of course, it looks “perfect”. No one would believe this. Ever.

      1. Hi HG,
        I’m trying to order your book Fuel on Amazon and my order keeps being rejected, all my orders have been processed except the one for your book. Is there another site I can order it on?

  24. Hello, HG!
    He’s in a process of getting a divorce. It lasted only 2,5 months during which I broke things off at least 6,7 times, never him, but the last time, I was decisive and he tried much less to keep me. He always said we were going slow,that he needed time and wanted me to wait a few months, but also stalked,checked up on me and was jealous. (We never had sex, he “valued” my virtue, untouchable status,morale)
    I asked questions,wasn’t timid, easy, had expectations, spoke my mind. I wasn’t strong,he knew he brought light to my life after some difficult times but I wasn’t blind nor stupid.. 2 mnths passed,he still ignores me and does malignant hoovers in intervals,very nasty and personal and also has a new supply but doesn’t hide the others. Also,she has a boyfriend. He’s playing “getting over divorce,my life’s a mess right now can’t do anything serious” card,not yet a “new family man, moving on with smbd good” one. What can I expect someday? Is it the end?

      1. Oh,no, I’m not the one he was divorcing. I just wanted to know why he wouldn’t leave me alone if he has no attention of trying do get me back and has moved on. Why the ignoring/punishment/friendly intervals all the time

        1. If you read HG’s material you will see why he’s jerking you around. Your next step is NO CONTACT. He’s playing you and you are letting him. A narcissist can only engage with you if you allow it. Stop asking why he did this or that and ask yourself, do you want this drama and shit from him? Do you want and deserve more for your self? NO CONTACT! Search HG’s site to get all the details. You need to learn what true NO CONTACT is. It’s available if you want the answers. He doesn’t want you, but he won’t leave you alone because he’s a narcissist! The next step is yours. He won’t change but you can stop yourself from being addicted to this chaos. Good luck to you. Please keep reading. 💕

          1. I know why.. I wasn’t a good source of supply, which is a big compliment and shows he couldn’t fool me, so now, I get this shit. Moved on, definitely :)

    1. You never had sex because a) you might judge his performance critically, and b) he gets more fuel from frustrating you.
      Normal men may pretend to love you to get sex; some narcs will pretend to want sex to get you focused on them.
      Also, are you “kewl” enough to impress his friends? Because if his friends won’t envy him for having you, he can’t be bothered.

      1. No, we never had sex because that wasn’t as important as pretending he l could wait some time because he genuinely cared, until I was sure about us,and he was getting it anyway from someone else, no doubt :) also, definitely cool enough for him and his friends, checked many boxes and I think that was also a reason he made up with me soo many times, after me ditching him, but at the end, it was too much effort,and he saw I was figuring out something wasn’t right, had a bad feeling inside..

        1. He may have thought you were cool enough, but he didn’t want YOU thinking it. “What’s wrong, doesn’t he really find me desirable? But if he’s not really attracted to me, why does he keep,” etc.

          1. Well,yes, of course, and I think that way some days, even now. Really sad.. I read here on the blog that it may not have been devaluation what was happening, but testing, how I would react, what I would do, would I plead and beg, try to do better OR would I determine that was not normal behaviour and that I deserved better. I’m glad I stood up for myself every time, broke things up and chose to follow my intuition. And it’s time I stopped searching for other peoples motives, they are not important, I am and everyone sould do so. Thank you, Violeta, for your perspective and comments :)

  25. What’s the typical cycle of NPD & BPD? How long would such relationship last? How do I know when is the discard?

    1. It depends on the nature of your ensnarement, the school of narcissist, your position in the Fuel matrix, the constitution of your fuel matrix and other factors. I can help you understand this through a consultation

      1. 1. Hello… He’s in a process of getting a divorce. It lasted only 2,5 months during which I broke things off at least 6,7 times, never him, but the last time, I was decisive and he tried much less. He always said we were going slow,that he needed time and wanted me to wait a few months, but also stalked,checked me up and was jealous. (We never had sex, he “valued” my virtue, untouchable status,morale)
        2. I asked questions,wasn’t timid, easy, gullable, had expectations, spoke my mind. I wasn’t strong, he knew he brought light to my life after some hard times but he knew I wasn’t blind nor stupid.. 2 mnths passed,he still ignores me and does malignant hoovers in a personal and twisted ways in intervals and also has a new supply but doesn’t hide the others. Also,she has a boyfriend. He’s playing “getting over divorce,my life’s a mess right now can’t do anyth serious” card,not yet a “new family man, moving on with smbd good” one.
        Is it the end in a manner of speaking, no actual risk,because he knows he cant win me over this way?

        1. No, it is not the end. You also do not have a no contact regime to reduce the risk of being hoovered. You need to put one in place. I can help you do that through consultation.

          1. Yes, but, whats the goal? It’s not getting me back, he can’t crack me this way and he knows that, so why the torture, wasn’t there enough of this

  26. So, if you are a narc, then what makes you WANT to help people with your books and info. That seems counter intuitive. How were you “forced” into treatment.

      1. Maybe ALL is new here. You have already answered previously but maybe give a reference. Some new here haven’t read all or many posts. Some even read the current post and have doubts as many of us did in the beginning. Thanks HG. 😘

  27. I am brazilian, sorry for the errors, i am using google translator.
    I have a question. Do you think it is possible for a narcissist to recognize that he is narcissistic before a diagnosis, to recognize on his own? I do psychiatric treatment and until then I am treated as borderline, which I do not discredit, but I know that my behavior is not normal. I participate in various groups on the subject, and increasingly identify myself, recognize the traits and do not want to change, it is comfortable for me to be so. Finally, do you think a narcissist can recognize the traits themselves? Should I take this to my therapist?

  28. HG, what is the best way to direct people to your work (without being seen as patronising – or ‘negative’)? It’s tricky, you know.
    I have tried before but some people just don’t want to know and had rather bury their head in the sand and go on with their life (especially normals).
    I want associations which deal with childhood abuse and mistreatment of women to read your work. As well as some of the people I interact with.

    1. Refer to the behaviour rather than referring to narcissism. Invite them to read or listen (do not preach to them) and let them reach their own conclusions.

      1. I will try! And on a partially related note HG, it looks like your books in Spanish are only available in Kindle format at the moment. Will they ever be available in paperback? I would like to buy a couple of them to give as gifts.

  29. Hello Mr Tudor.
    I watched your video on youtube called Why You Should Not Use Online Dating.
    There is one thing I do not agree with you.
    You said that when I work with somebody I can ask someone who this guy is. Is he a good person or not?
    When I met my ex narcissist I didn’t want to ask anyone about him. I didn’t want gossip. I wanted to keep it in secret. But the narcissist took me to the pub for a drink. There were narcissist’s friend and his friend’s girlfriend.
    They went outside to smoke cigarettes. I was alone with her. She told me that the narcissist was a very good guy that he had a golden heart and therefore I was very lucky to meet him. She said that she wanted us to be a couple.
    I also met 3 men his colleagues from work. They didn’t warn me.
    I had no idea he was a narcissist.I didn’t want to reject him right away, I wanted to give him a chance, although his behavior was sometimes suspicious. Now I regret that I gave him my telephone number. I will never forgive myself. But I really didn’t know. When we stopped meeting his work colleagues considered me mad and crazy.
    Nobody believed me. Some were mean to me
    It is very hard for me to trust again.
    I don’t want to be hurt again.

    1. Hey Kasia, after leaving my narc I finally realized what he was. When I told people I wasn’t believed or they didn’t realize what a narc was. He and I had been friends for 35 years before we dated. He was a wonderful friend and I was shocked to realize that once were married how abusive he became. I’m bipolar and the worst was that he used it against me. Had me believing it was all me because of my mental illness. I also have generalized anxiety disorder and it became so bad whenever he was home that it was finally the thing that drove me out the door. I was lucky though, that his treatment of me made me fall out of love. So wanting him back will never happen. Though he’s tried for a year now. Now I’m dealing with severe trust issues. Not sure I’ll ever date again. The worst however is that I don’t trust my own judgment. I truly wish you healing and peace of mind. Something I keep searching for but can never find

  30. Hi H.G.,

    A friend told me about you last weekend and since then I’ve been mildly obsessed. I haven’t had a chance to read a whole lot, but I’ve been listening to your YouTube videos while working the past few days. Your voice is lovely, very soothing. Have you considered doing audiobooks?

    I was involved with a narc for 12 years and your insight is eye opening. I don’t think our relationship was typical though. In listening to your videos I have identified him as a mid range and myself as a super empathetic, but I also have BPD along with bipolar, anxiety and PTSD.

    Your no contact strategy is basically my “go to” for every relationship and although I still get texts from him periodically, it is always him pretending to be someone else and I ignore.

    I guess I have 3 questions: 1, Do you know anything about narcs pretending to be other people? He did this often trying to manipulate me into doing something wrong. 2, What do you think about NPD and BPD relationships? Any experience there? 3, What consultation do you recommend to “pick your brain”?


  31. Hi HG
    Does the narcissistic know and realize what they do ?
    Does he realize the amount of pain that they caused to us?
    And I want to know
    Does he regret lately for that pain that make us feel?
    And I want to know
    Does the narcissistic love?!
    Can he really fall in love!?
    And if yes,will he change to protect his love!?

  32. Hi HG, I hope you’re well. I remember reading somewhere on your blog that the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. You were talking about narcissists of course.
    Would you say that the same applies to normals and empaths?
    I often refer to you as ‘a very wise man’ by the way.

      1. Hi HG,

        How do you differentiate between empaths and normals?

        It seems one can slide up or down a scale and exhibit empath, normal, narcissism traits in different levels depending on lower or heightened distress levels (or having addiction).

        Is there a core “tell-tale” trait that distinguishes between empath and normal – regardless if one has slid another direction for a spell?

  33. Hello. I am wondering why you help others or are willing to divulge this information.
    How does this serve you? How do you benefit from it?
    What is the underlying reason or purpose behind you doing this?
    I feel like it is almost like a tiger telling you how to effectively hunt it and understand its predatory behaviors.
    Why would a narcissist or ASPD individual expose their true nature?
    Why would they expose their vulnerabilities? And tell people how to effectively deal with them when it can effect and impact their ability to exploit others and derive fuel (in their mind to survive)?
    The only reason I see is that it is possible you hate other narcissists.
    I’m just trying to understand your underlying motivations.

    1. if you read the “About” section on which you posted Tang, you will actually find answers to most of the questions you have asked.

      Why would I expose my true nature? For the reasons explained, I am doing so without compromising my identity so I still retain power and control within my private life whilst creating a legacy through this ground-breaking work.
      I am not exposing my vulnerabilities to anybody who knows me therefore this information does not adversely impact on me.

  34. Hi H.G.; I discovered your site today. Great writing and very informative; you have a way with words.

    My ex is a (i guess mid-range?) covert narc who I finally blocked yesterday amidst a 6-day silent treatment that I could no longer withstand, finally by phone. It happened not even on a low note; he’s been “trying to make things work” but I can’t get past what he’s done in the past. The last text he had sent me (six days prior, so he was commencing a silent treatment) was “I do everything and it’s not enough; you’re not down for the ride”.

    H.G, It will have been over four years of push and pull/no contact back to re-contact. But I’m 27 this month and I refuse to waste my life any longer. He will never change, right? I can’t help but feel like magically, he will give all of what he never gave me, to someone else.

    Since I blocked yesterday, t’s been that of alcohol withdrawal, though illogical. When does this get easier and what do you suggest to make the ‘getting over’ accelerate? I so wish regret on him!

    1. Welcome VA and thank you for the compliments. If he is a narcissist then he will to change. Your fear that someone else will get what you did not is common and is caused by your magical thinking which is hijacking your narcissistic trait of envy (does not mean you are a narcissist, everyone has narcissistic traits). It gets easier by following my direction and work. You need to do these

  35. Hi HG,
    In your book “Fuel” you outline Fuel in terms of potency, quantity and frequency. This is incredibly helpful to understand.

    1. Have you written about wounds in a similar way?
    2. Are some wounds deeper than others and require more fuel to heal? I know criticism is wounding, but are some criticisms worse than others? For instance is a silent response to a narcissists silent treatment a smaller or bigger wound than for instance a comment about how the narcissists car is inferior to another car (delivered fuel-free of course). Or a deliberate removal of control from the narcissist?
    3. Is there is a hierarchy of wounds?
    4. If so, how does that hierachy look, and is it cadre and school dependent?

    If I have missed where you have written about wounds just please point me in the right direction.

    I appreciate you answering my questions HG. There is literally no other place to get these kind of questions answered.

    1. Hi Mister Anderson,

      1. Please see Fury. I am pleased you found the explanation in Fuel useful.
      2. Yes the extent of wounding does vary. Ignoring us in person wounds massively compared to ignoring our text message.
      3. Yes.
      4. I will write about this, but it is not dependent on school and cadre.

      You are most welcome. Your politeness is appreciated.

  36. Hi HG,
    I have a question I have been thinking about regarding the similarities between the 7 deadly sins and typical narcissistic traits. This has been reinforced from reading some of your books.
    -Sloth (conserve fuel/energy)
    -Wrath (fury)
    -Lust (infidelity/promiscuity)
    -Envy (challenge to superiority)
    -Pride (grandiosity)
    -Greed (craving for status and wealth)
    -Gluttony (consumer of people, food and resources)

    From the experience I have had with the narcissists in my life they have shown to exhibit these traits to a large extent.

    What are your thoughts HG, could the 7 DS be an warning, a way our ancestors identified narcissists and tried to warn others? And possibly scare narcissists to dampen the expressions of these traits?

    I dont suggest they knew about the prime aims, the role of fuel and control. But it would make sense to warn of the danger of someone showing the outward expressions of narcissism. The 7 DS could be that warning. Do you have any thoughts on this matter HG? I would like to hear about them if you do.

    1. Hello Mister Anderson (I always enjoy saying that out loud). The 7 deadly sins are applicable to narcissists, I agree. I daresay they were created by an unaware narcissist as a means of controlling appliances however as opposed to setting out a warning against narcissism.

      1. Haha, I bet you do. Maybe there is a hint of Agent Smith in you?

        A way for a narcissist to dim the narcissistic traits in others in order to control them easier? I wish for my explanation to be correct but I yield that yours is more practical and obvious (now when it is pointed out to me that is).

        Occams razor favor your explanation over mine.

        Thanks HG

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