About

Hello,

Welcome to Knowing the Narcissist.

I am H G Tudor. I am a narcissistic sociopath (some state psychopath – this remains a matter of debate by the profession concerning the current application of sociopath or psychopath).

By my terminology I am a Greater Elite Narcissist. You will learn here what that means along with all about the other types of narcissists and empaths too.

I convey this is an effective manner based on my perspective. I know what I am and I know the best way to communicate this to you. I am a very effective communicator.

I write extensively about what this means and what I am. I have practised this dark art for many years, I have honed and crafted my abilities. I am aware of what I am and I am engaged in understanding why I am this way and why I act as I do. I am sharing these ongoing revelations.

I know my kind in considerable detail. I have several family members who are narcissists and have engaged with numerous in my life. I know the way my kind think, why we act as we do, say what we say and so much more. I understand why we target our victims and how we go about it. I comprehend why our victims think and act as they do. I have had many, watched many and listened to many. This allows me to build a formidable body of knowledge about not only my kind, but the people we engage with.

I am currently engaged in treatment which has been forced upon me. As part of this treatment and because I enjoy writing, I have been encouraged to share my knowledge. This is to engender a greater awareness of what I am on my part and also to allow the world an unrivalled view of the mind and actions of a narcissistic sociopath.

I do this because I like to write. I like to interact with people. I want to be the number one source for the reality of how my kind think and behave. I also find the weaponising of empaths and having them go into battle with my kind entirely in accordance with my worldview.

I do not do this for fuel. I do gain some fuel from the comments but since those who comment are tertiary sources (see the book Fuel for more) it is not significant. I gain far more fuel in my interactions in my private life.

I am direct. I do not speak in scientific terms. I welcome enquiring minds and those who want answers. I will give them to you. You will not gain understanding like this from anywhere else. I encourage you to read my articles and extensive collection of books which can be found on Amazon. I encourage you to contribute, ask questions and offer your own views. I read everything that is submitted to me and answer all questions, thus if your post does not appear straight away, please understand that it is in moderation and is either receiving or awaiting my attention.

The number of comments and hits are testament to the need for my knowledge and the huge usefulness many people have found from it. You will too.

Welcome on board. You will now Know the Narcissist.

HG Tudor

 

 

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1,080 thoughts on “About”

  1. Having just been through a divorce after a 20 plus year relationship pretty much exactly like you describe in your article on divorce, I wish I had come across your site much sooner. My ex wife is the narcissist in this case. Reading through your articles has helped me understand many things that happened over the course of that relationship, so thank you for your insights.

    Unfortunately, with children involved, I can’t cut contact altogether, but it definitely helps to have minimal contact.

    You write understandably a lot about narcissist – empath relationships. My ex had an affair with someone that I would say is also a narcissist. That has got me wondering about narcissist – narcissist relationships. What happens there? Does the lesser narcissist become a victim or are such relationships doomed to early failure as both sides realise their techniques are not as effective? In the case of my ex wife, the latter seems to have been the case, but I would be interested in your thoughts.

    1. Hello and welcome, there are two articles about ‘narc on narc’ action, so to speak (more to come) do see ‘When Narcissists Collide’ for more information.

      1. Dearest H.G. How do I save my career in my field? My superior who is well-known and prestigious and from your explanation, I think is a mid range narc. is now envious of me and stealing my ideas, although I am a novice in my new field. What would you do if this happened to you: My Vicious cycle at work: You are a new employee. Narc observes you and sees you have supply for him. Non-sexual secondary supply source. A muse. A devotee and winsome protege`. He loves your supply. He discovers it for himself. He feels pleased with himself and his discovery of you and your energetic and imaginative supply, a new person at work. Undiscovered by colleagues. He pats himself on the back as he enjoys your supply. You grow at work. Others notice you and compliment you. Narc becomes envious. Only he should see your value and potential supply. Now, the narc wants you to diminish your light at work, but somehow keep giving him your supply. So, Narc punishes you with triangulation and silent treatment devaluation. You wonder why you feel ill. You diminish and start to die. Narc seems satisfied. But Narc feels weaker from your diminished supply. You decide to live and bring back your light. Narc loves that your supply is back, but hates that you are not the same. Narc competes with you now, but pretends to still like you. Narc absorbs what he likes about you and mimics your characteristics. Narc absorbs your friends at work. Narc becomes a type of you. A copy of you. Narc pretends to still likes you, but you now notice a hollow look in his eyes, when he looks at you less and less. You pretend you do not know all of the above. Narc pretends he is not suspicious of you catching on to his true characteristics. You are in Narcville. A dangerous place.

      2. I need more information and need to convey more information to you with regard to your personal circumstances and therefore you are best served by organising a consultation with me.

  2. In your video “Whore” I am trying to discern whether you’re speaking as a narcissist’s perspective of a woman who captured him a little – got his guard down a bit… or if it’s The perspective of a taget speaking of the narcissist and what he or she has done to them?

  3. Hi HG, I allready spoke with you by telephone. I’ve been reading that a DLS usually don’t get hoovered. In my case: my ex Narc is stille with the same IPSS. That’s why I wanted to know if it is true that a DLS is not going to be hoovered. I’m going NC….

    1. Yes, usually don’t because of their position in the fuel hierarchy and that consequential impact on the HEC, BUT it is not a given that there will be no hoover.

    1. It all depends on the Hoover Trigger and Hoover Execution Criteria. If all factors are equal and the only differing factor is the status of the appliance, then an IPPS is more likely to be hoovered than a DLS owing to their greater potency of fuel.
      However, if the factors are variable, the DLS may well be more likely to be hoovered than the IPPS because the sole factor of fuel potency is but one consideration amongst many other factors and those factors in aggregate may mean the HEC are not met for the IPPS ( so no hoover) but are met for the DLS (so there is a hoover).

      1. So in my case; Knowing about all the lying he did. That he uses violence and I am aware of all the things he did, will not mean he won’t try to hoover me as his formal DLS?

      2. Anna, I need more information from you to make an accurate response. I provided the outline considerations but in order to give you a bespoke answer the appropriate forum would be through an email consultation.

  4. I like your blog.

    Reading about narcissists and psychopaths, one realizes that they are ususally your partner, your parents etc. What about it being your child? How does it crystalize, this horror relationship to a loving parent, and what is the parent’s rolle, given it is not an neglectful or overly abusive parnet? Is there more of a hope in this relationshiop (for the child to change the abuse) compared to the partner–parent as tne abusve part?

    Why can a child grow up with an empath, get a lot of attention and support, and still turn the aggression against this very parent?

    A

    1. Thank you and welcome to it.

      Yes your child can be a narcissist. This invariably does not come to the fore until the child is in his or her teens – if the seeds of narcissism are spotted earlier in the formative years they can be combatted through the good offices of an empathic/normal parent which means shielding/removing the child from the accelerant which will be an adult narcissist (usually the other parent). If the arrest of the narcissism was not achieved and a narcissist results then no contact has to be applied.

  5. Hi HG,

    Love your blog. Since reading your blog so many things seem crystal clear since being 5 months NC. However, it has been the wrong NC since I’m still very curious about the possible narc’s life. I have been subjected to triangulation, gaslighting, snd shelving. My question is, can a narcissist treat their IPPS really well while malipulating an IPSS? Mine claims he treats his primary partner so well, but can’t help but have affairs. He’s cheated on every girlfriend he has ever had. Never ends a relationship until starting a new one. He admits this. But he says he treats his wife well and she says he treats her well too. Could he be emotionally abuse to me as an IPSS, but be good to her as IPPS?

    Thank you!!

    1. Hello BWN and thank you for your compliments about my work.

      1. Yes he can. The IPPS can have a Respite Period (Golden) and the IPSS treated malignly.
      2. Note, he may claim to treat the IPPS well BUT that may well be a lie in order to triangulate you. Do not rely on what he tells you.
      3. It is more likely the case that he devalues her and he will devalue you too (Corrective Devaluation) when he perceives you are not acting as he requires. His comment re the IPPS is most likely a lie designed to triangulate you and punish you.

      1. Thanks, HG. I appreciate it! He used to say he could never be cold to her. Yet, he had no problem being cold to me. He has shelved me frequently, given CDs when I stand up for myself, and has triangulated me with other secondary sources and gaslighted me. Luckily, we don’t talk anymore, he moved out of state, and your bog helps keep my ET in check. Thanks again!

      2. Based on my reading, I’m pretty sure he’s a mid range victim narc. If not a full blown narc, he definitely has narcissistic traits. He is very subtle in his manipulations. He’s insidious, like a cancer.

  6. Hi HG,
    I have question unrelated to your posts.

    You seem to have a well maintained fuel matrix now, but there must have been a time when you were still perfecting your craft, as it were. You also mentioned the creature and the moments when fuel provision was low (I presume you don’t have those moments.to that extent anymore) and you felt the hot breath of the creature in your neck. So it seems to be a rare occurrence, one a narcissist would try to avoid at all cost, because it would be a moment of great vulnerability. We empaths are reasonably okay with vulnerability, within outselves or others, but I think (or know) it is absolute horror to a narcissist to feel that way or to have it witnessed. Was there ever anyone who consciously witnessed you having such an episodet? How did or how do you think such an occurrence would make you -or another greater elite- feel? What are your thoughts about someone else being aware of the creature rearing it’s ugly head? And I know this has nothing to do with the collection of negative fuel. That is not the creature.
    I know it’s a really personal question, but I still hope you can and are willing to shed some light on what this would do to a narcissist. I would however understand if you don’t want to share this publicly with your audience.

    1. You are correct that there was a time of perfecting my craft. I have felt the Creature previously and those manifestations were both witnessed and not witnessed. This will be expanded on in detail, in the book, The Creature.

  7. HG, I want to thank you again for the enlightening conversation during the audio consultation last Monday. It has been a great support for me and I recommend it to anyone who has alot of queations. One question I forgot:
    The Narc’s wife told me about his bad behaviour and violence. Since he stayed with her, isn’t he offended or challenged with this; meaning will he devalue her for this?

    1. Seeing as you gave me such a ringing endorsement I will answer your question!

      1. It depends if he knows what she has said to you about the violence, if he does not, there is no impact.
      2. If you told him you knew or she told him that she told you, this will most likely have manifested as Challenge Fuel and which one of you (maybe both) told him will suffer devaluation as he seeks to assert control.

  8. Hi HG I heard you on the radio today and this sparked my interest. An ex girlfriend of mine and I use the term girlfriend very loosely as it never went any further than a peck on the cheek but she reckoned that I was a narc as she referred to them. She said her controlling ex had ruined her life and then started to accuse me of being one because she seemed to think there is a victim/perpetrator cycle that repeats with different partners.She drove me nuts in the short space of time I knew her so I dropped her like a stone once I realised how much hard work she was going to be. But this all being new to me I thought ok maybe she is right maybe I am a narc. So I took an online test and trying to answer the questions honestly out of a possible score of 100 where 100 is the most narcy I scored 1.Yes really. So my feelings on this now are this, if I really am so far off the narc scale maybe I need some lessons in how to be a better narc and if I am going to be accused of being one then I may as well start acting like one because quite honestly as far as I know Ive never used anybody for any kind of gratification sexual or otherwise. But where has this got me ? Nowhere and if people like Donald Trump are first class narcs with all the trappings of success etc then I think I need to become one and fast.

    1. Hello Mike and welcome, I suspect your comments about becoming a better narc are tongue in cheek, however, you cannot become a narcissist when you are an empathic or normal person. Be you, not something else – leave that to us!

    2. Where was HG broadcast on the radio? Was it the BBC interview? Btw, I like your comment Mike. That was funny.

    3. Mike
      Welcome. It sounds like you were collateral damage and the victim of bad timing in meeting someone straight out of the Narc Burn Unit. The paranoia although understandable is her issue to resolve and you should not have had to pay the price for that so Im glad you got out. No need to shoot for the Narc members only jacket just yet.

  9. I have a question (while anxiously waiting for your response to my consultation) – Do you sign yourself that because of House Tudor? Or Henry VIII himself? You haven’t had six wives and you haven’t executed any of them, have you?

  10. Paula Justice
    1 second ago

    I am curious as to whether it is a common trait for a narcissist to have an addiction of sorts to extreme sexual habits/fantasies? I am a recent “escapee” of a 7 year relationship with a man who I am discovering is/was a narcissist, of what kind or level I do not know. However, I never understood his obsession with porn, and lack of ability to rid himself of exes, make me a priority, obsessively staring at women in public, etc. I met him online shortly after the sudden death of my brother and subsequent loss of my 30 year marriage. I realize I was very broken at the time. I experienced the golden years as you describe, thinking he was a God-send, as well as experiencing the unexplained & sudden anger tantrums, disappearances out of town, blocking me on social media and his phone, his obsession with his phone, his wandering eyes, etc. But I never knew anything about narcissism beyond hearing the word and the negative tone of it, so I just thought I needed to try harder. He had multiple email accounts and belonged to different D&S sites, randomly communicating with submissives, receiving lude photos, videos, sharing fantasies and the like. I eventually found myself trying to indulge him in his fantasies, but could not escape the helpless empty state it left me in, ultimately refusing to participate further. Can you explain this obsession?

    1. Hi Paula
      The book Sex And The Narcissist is an excellent book for you to read. It is not an easy read for some (because of its blunt revelations) but it will answer your questions and enlighten you considerably. I think it is required reading for anyone who is, or has been, in an intimate relationship with someone they know to be or suspect is a narcissist.

    2. Hi Paula,
      I am sorry for all you have lived through with the N in your life. There will never be a time as harrowing as you have described again because you have found the key (HG) that will unlock the mysteries you speak of in their entirety. The power is in your hands now.
      Sex and the Narcissist is my all time favourite book, it will unmask the unknown and deliver the understanding you seek. It helped me to read it first as an observer looking down from the balcony objectively and then a second time as myself with a personalised experience of dealing with the N. Once you know what to expect it is not so daunting to consider yourself in the equation.
      I wish you every freedom you choose for yourself in the future.
      Sarah

      1. Thank you Sarah. My departure from my N is very recent, just a month ago, after a 7 yr relationship. He left for 8 days and I didn’t know where he was. He wasn’t working, I was paying all the bills alone. He had become very depressed and distant, despite my efforts to support him in every way. I moved out in December, and currently living in a bedroom at my daughter’s home, 45 miles away from my job. Turns out he’d been talking to his ex-gf, and that is where he had disappeared to. My heart is broken, he had even asked me to marry him. The good times were so good, the bad were really bad. I don’t miss the bad at all, but I am struggling with the good memories, the promises, regular dreams about him, the seeming love and devotion and commitment, the intimate discussions and snuggling, etc. I remain hopeful every day that this ache dissipates, and eventually leaves for good. That some day I stop looking for his truck on the roads, or his face in restaurants. Just learned yesterday from the landlord that he is moving out of the home we shared the end of this month, and moving to N. Carolina where gf lives. I have followed HG’s advice with no contact, but it feels as though I have lost a part of me, and I will never be the same.

    3. Hi Paula,

      Thank you for sharing your story with me. As I read your words I really felt them. So much of what you write, I remember. I empathise with the thoughts and feelings that have brought you here, but I am so glad you have found this community.

      This is the very early stages of your revival. The part of yourself you feel you have lost is exactly what you needed to lose. You are feeling everything that is natural to feel at this stage in your new life. Right now as you read HG’s work you will feel loss, grief and a strong and lingering engagement with the dark corners of your mind seeking the hope and confirmation that the narcissist will return. You will think about the golden period as your emotional thinking takes over too often and leaves you remembering him fondly.

      As you read HG’s work and sit with the truth of your experiences, the details and the examples he provides will slowly and surely begin to change your focus. The escapism, fantasy and false promises of the golden period will start to lose their significance. Instead, you will remember the anxiety of walking on eggshells to please another person for completely unsubstantiated reward. You will recall the constant questions in your mind as to whether he was telling you the truth, the time and energy it took to convince yourself that he wouldn’t cheat on you, that he loved you and that his giant fascade was real.

      You have done an amazing thing to go No Contact so early in the piece with the narcissist. Please read HG’s book ‘Exorcism’ as this will give you the power to put yourself in the best position for your logical thinking to flourish. Once this happens you will feel a significant shift within yourself and you will know you are on your way.

      Paula, you’ve got this, you don’t need him and tossing him aside is the right recipe. You deserve a grown up man who has his shit together not the Yo-Yo who flits between his ex partners seeking constant gratification for his vacant soul.

      As a very kind commentator told me when I first arrived at narcsite, “we have your back.”

      Sarah

  11. Hello H.G. I want to make arrangements for a audio consultation. If I explain to you the events as they happened, could you tell me for sure:
    1. If the person is a narcissist or just has Narcissistic traits
    2. What kind of school of narcissist he is
    3. Assist me with what to maybe expect from this person

    Thank you.

      1. Thank you. I will make the arrangements then. Looking forward to have a consultation with you.

  12. Hi, just discovered your site as I’m trying to make sense and learn about what happened to me. I have just been discarded by my ex after 3 years and we were due to be married in coming October. We had dated 15 years earlier which ended badly. When we reconnected he stopped at nothing to re-establish a relationship. He left me so cruelly and unexpectedly. We were due to go on holiday. As he was leaving I asked if we were done and he said no. Once he was back home in the States I called him a few times and he was very cold ( I live in the UK). He said we could revisit things at a later date. I got fed up and emailed him and told him I was moving on and if he wanted his stuff I would leave them with his relatives. I have heard nothing in 5 months. I have had to sit on my hands to stop myself from breaking no contact. He once said when he stops caring he doesn’t care. I have given away his belongings and considering giving away my engagement rings. Can I assume it’s completely done and that he will not hoover at a later date? There is a lot more to this story but to cut a long story short, I’m tired and just want to be free and not hoovered at a later date.

    Many thanks

    1. Welcome and well done on no contact so far. There is always a risk of a hoover and whether there is depends on whether there is a Hoover Trigger (see the article the spheres of influence) and if there is, whether the Hoover Execution Criteria are then met. There is always a risk but if you maintain a solid and robust proper no contact regime you can make that risk negligible. If you would like specific input on your particular circumstances I recommend you book a consultation with me.

      1. Thank you so much for your response. I was seriously considering booking a consultation and I definitely will now. Feel I need to really get a handle on what happened from your perspective. I consider what you do as a gift to us all.

    2. This is clear evidence that they’ll Hoover back after years. HG is accurate and was the only reason I was able to eventually view my own situation as clearly as I was able. Incredibly worth the money to speak with him directly.

  13. NC has its limitations. I could anticipate ‘why are you ignoring me?’ Or ‘?’ Or ‘Your acting childishly’ do you cover these situations in any of these books, how can i not cause a narcissistic injury as I can only otherwise say to her ‘you are not my friend’ which I think will have an extremely negative affect on my ability to co-parent with her. I know this would cause rage.

    1. If someone is saying “why are you ignoring me” then you are not no contact! You WILL wound through the imposition of no contact but that is not your concern and it should NEVER be used as an excuse to allow some form of contact, that is submitting to emotional thinking.

      1. Is there any scope for you to produce a co-parenting with a narcissist book?

        It isnt practical for me to complete ignore her under these circumstances

        Thanks

      2. It is in hand, in the meanwhile I recommend you consult with me and I can assist.

      3. Welcome John and I agree. A co-parenting book is greatly needed and would benefit many.

  14. Hello H.G. First of all I want to wish you all the best for 2019 and like to thank you for answering my questions on this block and all the info you privide on youtube. I am considering a audio consultation with you, because I still have so many questions about what happened to me and the type of Narcissist I was having an affair with. He has removed me, but not blocked me on social media for example. So if I want, I can text him. And I don’t know why this is. (Some kind of punishment? ) He has said that he will do something bad to me if I contacted his wife about our affaire. So I don’t know what he will do or has on me to do so. Will he hoover me after wounding him? Many questions as you can read. Now, I ‘m not English, I had to listen to some of your videos more than once to understand what it was that you said there…is this a problem? Thank you.

  15. Can an empath have multiple sociopathic traits, especially when dealing with certain people (sometimes people in general)? I can feel the emotions of those around me, I can be and have been influenced by someone else’s emotions to the point that I cannot differ between them or mine and to where my mood will completely change. It has it’s ups and downs, I suppose, like everything else in life. It can be very exhausting, feeling what people around you feel and knowing (without really knowing) what someone is thinking. But, it also makes it very difficult for someone to lie to me. I can usually pick up on a lie fairly quick and sense when someone’s not being genuine. With that being said, there are times when I seem to have turned off my emotions towards others. I still know what others are feeling, but I somehow block myself from the usual effects of it. During those times, I can see a lot of sociopathic traits surfacing. There are also times when I think I turn off my empathic side because of certain people. An example would be my sister’s ex who is a sociopath. I was the only one he could not fool or keep away from my sister. I was, and still am, standing in his way. Between myself and my mother(now), we have prevented him from hoovering. Unfortunately going completely no contact is not an option due to the fact that they are finalizing a divorce and they share custody of a 2 year old (almost 2). But, I am present at almost every court hearing, doctor’s appointments, anything that has to do with him. If I’m not there, my mother is there. There are very occasions where she is around him alone, for her well well being and because we know it really gets to him when he has to be around us. My presence alone puts him on edge and throws him off his game. But, from my point of view, I find it entertaining to know I can get under his skin like that…. and very much enjoy doing so.

    You are a very intelligent man, and have obviously done research on all that is connected to this diagnosis. What are your thoughts on it?

    1. An empath would not have multiple sociopathic traits, Shannon. In terms of what you have written, it suggests Contagion Empath but if you want my detailed observations I would need more information and therefore you would be best served by organising an e-mail consultation.

    2. Shannon,

      I’m very similar with the very empathic/sorta highly sociopathic sometimes thing. Through therapy and a support group, I have learned about CPTSD and whatnot – I believe this is a little known defense mechanism that we can develop very young – shutting off the empathy.

      It can be very confusing for us and those around us, but mostly us, especially if we can’t control when it happens or who it happens with.

      I think if you experience emotional trauma it can get very out of control because your defense mechanism goes on overcharged autopilot.

      Otherwise it just clicks on and off in response to things/people/situations that are overwhelming to our empathy senses, creating a deep divide between us and our emotions. (Mine feels like a long, long dark tunnel that the emotional echoes faintly bounce down). It’s almost a dissociative state.

      Hope that helps some.

  16. Hey,

    You are self aware. How many narcissists are aware of what they are and do, bearing in mind they never apologize or accept criticism?

    Many thanks,

    1. All narcissists know what they are doing as they are there doing it. If you mean, how many know why they do as they do, the answer is very few, 5-10%, the majority have no self-awareness as to what they are and the real reason they do as they do.

  17. Hello H.G. When a N wants you dead ( not for real) is the unblocking on, for example instagram, removing your telephonenumber and not blocking etc a way of showing you are dead to them, like you don’t excist anymore in their minds? Thank you.

      1. I am somehow convinced that he will never ever hoover me. Due to the exposion of the affair I had and contacted his wife. She told everthing about him. Can a person remain dead forever in the mind of a N? Thank you.

  18. I am so grateful I found this site. I was discarded about 2 weeks ago, and just discovered that my ex is likely a narcissist— he doesn’t fit the diagnostic criteria for NPD but, many behaviors are notable, and I can see the evolution of our relationship in accordance with the stages you write about. Where can I find the articles on the different types of narcissists? I would like to identify which one I am/was dealing with. I have yet to experience the “hoover”— right now he is in the silent treatment mode, which I can only presume indicates he is actively pursuing his next fuel source. I would like to be prepared for the hoovering attempt if it does happen. As sick as it sounds, I am patiently awaiting it, in hopes to rekindle the Formal Relationship… which, logically, I know will never happen.

    1. The search bar is your friend – you are looking for Lesser, Mid-Range, Greater (those are the schools) and then the cadres Victim, Elite, Somatic and Cerebral. Search using those words and plenty of information will appear.

  19. Hi HG Tudor,

    Why did my narc wife hate my Mum with such passion?

    I believe my Narc wife hated anyone who could possibly influence me to seeing her toxic behaviour? Is this correct

    NB She hated my best friend just as much

      1. Thanks,

        At the end of our relationship i was working full time paying all the bills having the kids most evenings whilst she had 3 hour baths. And still wanted her to stay?

        The discard was quite brutal she had an emotional affair, was going out every saturday and purchasing shirts such as with the words “bye boy” and took her rings off nonchalantly. I ironed this shirt for her infact, are you proud of her?

        She said she moved on quickly, she went into the bathroom to watch a comedy program on youtube after I had cried. As i spoke to my boss regarding needing a day off she looked at me cheerily in the way you had manage to get a day off work.

        I wonder now how far her troubles lie as now I wonder if she was capable of sadism.

        I caught her texting an ex once and expected her to be remorseful but instead i was blamed, i still gave her the benefit of the doubt before we were married. I now realise she was hoovering him. As she will eventually to me.

        If the narc intends to hoover then why do they give away their lack of empathy during a discard surely this is the one slip up that allows us empaths to discover the truth?

        Additionally we only had sex when she came back drunk, but everytime we would. What does this mean? I cant imagine there were many opportunities to cheat.

        We had sex a few weeks after the final discard again she came back drunk. She didnt ask for sex but i said to her “if your here for sex you only need to ask” she had an extremely fragile look on her face. You know where if i had then told her to leave, it would have completely crushed her.

        Damn me for being a fixer and only looking at it as insecurity, i always thought she had just been in troubled relationships and i would show her what authentic is.

        Finally she is letting me buy her out of the house and hasnt been too troublesome. Is this because she wants to play the victim that badly? She is also not asking for child maintenance. Does this surprise you?

        Many thanks.

      2. Hello Tom, this is a matter best suited to consultation and I would recommend you consider organising one so I convey more detail to you in answering your various questions.

      3. I am a narcissistic psychopath. This arose as a combination of my genetic predisposition and the environment to which I was subjected as a young child.

  20. Hello H.G. Yesterday evening my brother checked his phone and my ex N changed his profile picture into a pic of a sheep. We don’t understand what it means. He always has a selfie at his whatsapp account.He left it all day like that and now has changed it back into us not seeing a profile pic of him on whatsapp, but he still has not blocked us. Can it meen he is trying to bully us? This was clearly a message to us. He probably removed our phonenumber from his phone thats why we don’t see a profile pic. Can this mean he is not going to hoover again you think? Or can we still expect he will hoover me again? Thank you.

    1. 1. You should not be checking (even through your brother) what the narcissist is doing with his WhatsApp account – that is a form of engagement and thus a breach of no contact. Stop doing so.
      2. No, it does not mean he will not hoover you again – there is always a risk of a hoover in accordance with the hoover Trigger and the Hoover Execution Criteria.
      3. As for the sheep picture, he may have a new girlfriend.

      1. Love your commend at nr3!! Can a N learn to controle his agression? This N used to beat up his wife and her daughter. After a night in jail and 20 days restraining order he never used violent to the child again. Sometimes he could get agressive to his wife again, but not as bad as in the past. Do they learn from “mistakes” they’ve made in the past?

      2. Higher echelon narcissists will be able to exert greater control over ignited fury and there is a degree of learning from past mistakes, however for the most part our own emotional thinking, caused by the narcissism as a self-defence mechanism causes the same actions (some of which may be regarded as mistakes by the other party, but of course not by us) and therefore this is why there is a repeat pattern of behaviour.

  21. Thank you for this site. My ex N recently started with a new supply in the same city I live in which is hundreds of miles from him. The only reason I know is because he told me. I’ve taken the necessary steps to block him from social media, phone, email, etc., and installed a security system in my home. He had never shown violent tendencies other than the perfunctory temper when I did not play his way, yet I do not know what he’s told his new source about me.
    May I have your thoughts as to why when he has no means to triangulate?

    1. It is not clear what your question is. Do you mean why has he told you about the new appliance when you believe he has no means of triangulating you? If you do, he is already triangulating you because he has been able to tell you about this person. If you have since blocked him etc AFTER he told you this, he of course would not be expecting you to take such action so he anticipated triangulating you further.

      1. He is able to get through to my work email which I am unable to block completely; I should have made that clear in my post. Thank you, you have answered my question.

  22. Thank you for your site; it is a tremendous help. My question is about my ex-husband narcissist. I believe he is a Mid-Range based on your description/definition. I have two brief questions that my therapist cannot answer well and I must know: 1. Why does he still try to engage me in conflict with him? We co-parent together and I mostly ignore his ongoing derogatory comments about my parenting skills, but what does he get out of continuing to debase me? He does not receive fuel from me because, like I said, I mainly ignore him. Does the fuel come from that he knows there might be a chance that he’s hurt me with his words?
    Also, 2. since I discovered that he is a narcissist (after 22 years of marriage), he only hoovered me one time and never again. Which, I am happy about because I would not want to be hoovered, but it has me wondering why? I am hopeful that he knows it wouldn’t work on me, but it could be because he gets so much fuel from pushing my buttons elsewhere while we co-parent. He is a highly successful managing partner of a law firm. I am the only person who has ever seen through his facade. Thank you.

    1. Hello April and welcome, I can answer these questions for you, however, I would both need more detail and need to provide you with more detail and therefore you are best served by organising an email consultation.

  23. I came here because although I’ve commented a few times before I have been asking you questions that I knew had to be listed somewhere. I’m not going to search all your post for the ones I didn’t find but I did get a few answers here. I’m honestly avoiding things I need to do and distracting myself by reading your latest post and commenting and also commenting on comments that make me laugh. So that’s that.

    Since you introduced yourself above I’ll introduce myself here. I am an almost divorced single mom, was married to someone I’d say had your diagnosis however never formally diagnosed (to my knowledge). I’m quick-witted, silly, and somewhere on the empath spectrum, if such thing exists. I’m aware of my limits and due to life experiences I am far less open with my love and concern with everyone I encounter. Basically I can’t let too many people in because I can carry around all their emotions. I absorb like a sponge and it’s exhausting. If I ever need a dating profile I may use what I just wrote because it reads as a crazy one. Haha. Like cats and dogs, evening strolls, stiff drinks and shot guns. Haha. Totally made up the last sentence. Seriously, shot guns 😂. I obviously entertain myself.

    Your confidence cracks me up but not in an insulting way, just observant way. So different from me. Not that I’m not confident, I just can’t say that I am. Maybe southern upbringing, who knows. Doesn’t matter.

    I do have a couple of questions. Why are you forced into treatment? Something in court? What is the treatment? DBT? Are you still doing it and if so possibly surrendering to it? Is it doing anything?

    I coparent with someone similar to you. coparenting is a kind of at to say that we made two children and I take care of them and have always basically alone. So your therapy interests me. I worry about how they are treated by him and what it will do long term. He’s not all bad. Just lacking in important things that a parent needs not to lack in.

    Do you have children?

    I also follow a female sociopath. I pick her brain sometimes too. That’s basically why I’m stopping by. I’m always starved for knowledge.

    -IOM

    PS I’m sorry your mom was a meany. Is she still alive. I have a lot of suppressed anger if you’d like me to smack her 😂. Haha. She was obviously sick and didn’t deserve you but I’m also bothered by why no one else stepped up to help. Hey but you made it and look at you now, in forced therapy educating the masses on the other dimension and quoting lines from the Sound of Music along the way. You have all the mysterious feels now don’t you? They’re coming out, Georgie. Haha. Ok a week or so from now when you finish this lengthy comment, maybe answer my questions. If you can find them. Ha.

    So long. Farewell.

  24. It has been a year and a half since I exposed my ex-narcissit to his wife and her parents about the affair. I provided them with evidence. My ex-narcissit after I did that sent me a text that he was done. Since then his wife has posted pictures of them up in social media doing everything together that he promised we were going to do. He likes everything she posts and looks happy in all the pictures. I have never contacted him, nor has he me. I know when I exposed him after he said he was done he blocked me from sending any texts. He hasn’t contacted me to get his little personal trinkets back. Does that mean he is staying with his primary supply (his wife) and leaving me alone?

  25. Hello H.G. I have a question. I posted earlier about my N ex. I noticed that 1 week ago he unblocked me on whatsapp, but not showing his profile picture. I haven’t blocked him because caused a major Narc wounding ( told his wife about the affaire). My question is, what does this mean? Is this a Hoover? And should I block him?

      1. Thanks H.G. I thought I was loosing my mind when I found out he unblocked me. He did the same with my brothers number after an arguement on the phone he called my brother a low life and he wanted to he left allone….and he even unblocked my 13 year old daughter on instagram. He called me a crazy stalker to his wife. But why unblock a crazy stalker? I listened every video of you on youtube. I reconize so many things. He would punish me and cancel a date with me, so I had to just wait for weeks to see him. He would say things as: I don’t feel good, you argue to much blabla” but every day send me textmessages to keep me hanging on. He did future faking, telling lies. After our messy breakup he just blocked me. No answers no explaining, no closure. I was very angry but also sad after all these lies…he knew I loved him. I couldn’t understand why he treated me like this. But now I understand how it works. I blocked him and my daughter blocked him. Except my brother refuses to block him. He wants to see if he will do something else. That’s up to him ufcourse.

      2. For fuel. You are crazy yesterday and then not crazy today then crazy again tomorrow, it is all part of the black and white thinking and the shifting sands.

      3. What fuell does he get after none of us gave him a reaction when we found out he unblocked us? It has been silent since the unblocking. I also would like to ask if a N can change being violent? His wife told me that he would hit her and her daughter. After a night in jail and restraining order for 20 days he never used violence again. He was afraid that this would give problems finding a job because he hasn’t got a steady one. Only with words he would say terrible things. So I find it difficult what school of N’s he is. He lies about everything, did give silent treatments, future faking and had many affairs. He even lied to me about his mother being in the Hospital ( I don’t even know his mother!)lied about how often he would see his own kids from his first marriage. Why also lie about things that I never asked questions about? I know for sure they are still together eventhough she told me he had to leave. After 2 days of her and I having contact she suddenly blocked me. They are together for over 10 years eventhough his behaviour caused a lot of problems his wife told me over the phone. She knows what he is and what he did en she still falls for him! I know she has 2 jobs to provide in the luxury he wants, he doesn’t have a steady job. Everywhers he starts working he has to leave after 6 months or so. And blames somebody else for this. He is very intelligent and can be very social and friendly. His dark side is hidden for outsiders. This is also what his wife told me. Can you help me out H.G.?

      4. No reaction equates to no Proximate Fuel. He may gain some Thought Fuel from thinking about what your reactions might have been (since he was not there to witness them) but this is weak fuel and short-lived.

        The propensity for physical violence is governed by the school, the ignition of fury, the extent of wounding the need for control, the opportunities for alternative manipulations and whether there are any facade considerations. If you wish to explore this in more detail with regard to the specific situation I recommend you organise a consultation.

  26. Hello I ‘m new here. Recently I found out that the man I was with for the past one and half year is a Narcissist. I met him at work and after he left this job we stayed in contact. He was telling me that he was not happy with his life. He lives with his ex but that was because they couldn’t sell the house. They slept seperately and weren’t intimate. There were a lot of bad things going on between him and her and her 2 kids. Finally after giving me compliments about allmost everything I fell for him. We had a strange relationship. I am single and I wanted to spend more time with him. We were intimate for many times. In between our meetings we would have contact over whatsapp. After some time I wanted some answers. None were given. I just had to waight, everything would be fine and I shouldn’t follow my bad thoughts about him. Sometimes he would give me the silent treatment. But just for a day and then blaming me for him to act that way. I gave him a bad feeling he said. Sometimes I saw that he was online for hours. If I asked him about it, he got angry and started to give me the silent treatment. 5 weeks ago we had a fight over whatsapp. I wanted to know why nothing ever changed, why I had the feeling he was telling me lies and having contacts with other women. I said that I wanted to speak with his so called “ex”. He answered for the last time: “go ahead you will kill me by doing so” after this he blocked me on his phone. After 2 days I had a conversation with his “ex”. The relationship was going on between them. He lied everything about her. She had been through hell with him. In the passed he was violent to her and her daughter. He spend a night in jail and has had a 20 days no contact by court. He was officially diagnosed to be a Narcissist by their therapist, very unpredictable, agressive and very dominant. After all these things that he did, she took him back. Because she loved him. This was not the first time she found out he was cheating on her. She has confronted him about me and he told her it was true but he never was in love with me blabla. He said to her that I was just crazy and stalking him. But he got furious with me and she warned me that he was threatning to do something bad to me. I haven’t heard anything about him since 5 weeks. Although I am releaved I know what the truth is and after reading your posts HG Tudor, and listening to you on youtube I know now what he is. I also feel sad and lonely and stupid that I was falling for all his stories. I wonder if he will try to hoover me after I contacted his wife and knowing what he is. Or will take revenge….this makes me afraid of him.

    1. Hello Anna and welcome. If you want to know more about whether you will be hoovered do organise a consultation so I can give you more detail which is necessary to assist you.

  27. Hi Hg
    I am a new member , on year ago I discovered that I have a doughter she is 18 and went to reach her to stablish contact and to have a relationship , but she treated me like a thing , at the beggining I thought , she was angry at me but later I dicovered she is a Narcissistic and and she has a boyfriend she was making me feel jealous but her real intention was she want me to kill that guy to get even of me and to send me to prison , she is a machiavelic girl , what dou you think about it ????

    1. Welcome. This is a matter which requires the provision of more detail and therefore you should organise a consultation with me.

  28. Hi HG
    I enjoy your videos and point of view your voice is perfect for this. I’m a widow for 3 years I socialize and haven’t dated while grieving because I know I would be a target and get played since I inherited property and and some assets and was much too vulnerable. But now I’m ready for a boyfriend.. The last man I had before my husband was a narcissist and did everything you describe I’m afraid I’ll met another one. Any words?

    1. Thank you for the compliments. I recommend you book a Narc Detector consultation and also read Sitting Target, Sex and the Narcissist and Manipulated.

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Read and understand all about narcissists from the best source possible. A narcissist himself.

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