About

Hello,

Welcome to Knowing the Narcissist.

I am H G Tudor. I am a narcissistic sociopath.

I write extensively about what this means and what I am. I have practised this dark art for many years, I have honed and crafted my abilities. I am aware of what I am and I am engaged in understanding why I am this way and why I act as I do. I am sharing these ongoing revelations.

I know my kind in considerable detail. I have several family members who are narcissists and have engaged with numerous in my life. I know the way my kind think, why we act as we do, say what we say and so much more. I understand why we target our victims and how we go about it. I comprehend why our victims think and act as they do. I have had many, watched many and listened to many. This allows me to build a formidable body of knowledge about not only my kind, but the people we engage with.

I am currently engaged in treatment which has been forced upon me. As part of this treatment and because I enjoy writing, I have been encouraged to share my knowledge. This is to engender a greater awareness of what I am on my part and also to allow the world an unrivalled view of the mind and actions of a narcissistic sociopath.

I am direct. I do not speak in scientific terms. I welcome enquiring minds and those who want answers. I will give them to you. You will not gain understanding like this from anywhere else. I encourage you to read my articles and extensive collection of books which can be found on Amazon. I encourage you to contribute, ask questions and offer your own views. I read everything that is submitted to me and answer all questions, thus if your post does not appear straight away, please understand that it is in moderation and is either receiving or awaiting my attention.

The number of comments and hits are testament to the need for my knowledge and the hue usefulness many people have found from it. You will too.

Welcome on board. You will now Know the Narcissist.

HG Tudor

 

 

233 thoughts on “About”

    1. There exist certain criteria laid down by the medical profession which establish whether an individual suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder and would thus be described as a narcissist. What those criteria do not do is provide you with instances and examples of that behaviour in day to day life to allow you to link he behaviour with the medical description. One would always look to that specialist criteria for the purposes of diagnosis, but in terms of gaining an understanding as to whether somebody is a narcissist, by reference to how they behave and interact with you, you ought to read my work and ascertain if your recognise many of the behaviours described. If you do, you can be pretty certain you are dealing with one of our kind and you have identified this in a manner which is easier to understand. I would suggest you read Evil, From the Mouth of a Narcissist, Manipulated, Black Flag, Red Flag and Danger 50 Things You Should Not Do With A Narcissist. They will give you an easy to understand confirmation of your concerns.

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    2. What happens when we call you out on being a narcissist sociopath? Do you get angry? Want revenge? What goes through your head?

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      1. I deny it. I use the opportunity to frustrate and annoy you to gain fuel. I make a mental note that you have an awareness and therefore I need to raise my game and punish you for trying to challenge me.

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  1. Hey HG. Thanks for the post 😽
    I knew because of the way he looked at me and the feeling it gave me. The events that followed the next couple days confirmed this. I agree that is probably due to the experience with my ex. I’m not cold, H. I feel a lot and really intensely. I just know how to control it. What if in some weird twisted way meeting me will help him? I think you will understand me better when you read my story. My schedule is a bit hectic right now, but it will be finished soon. Your post gave me more to think about… xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Well maybe he is punishing me. I haven’t heard from him since. I don’t know but it is driving me crazy. I miss him. Even if he treated me like crap. He was familiar and handsome.

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  3. Debbie.
    Read HG’s books. Knowledge is power. The more you can understand his mindset the easier it will get. I went from being an obedient puppet to making guys like him my play things (although I don’t recommend playing with this to everyone).

    HG.
    Mr. Molestee is attempting to hoover me like crazy, like every other day. I usually ignore it and if I respond its to make a smart ass remark about his mother. For example: He tells me that he met this American lady and he fucked her. I say “I am happy for you. Does she know how she will be sharing you with your mom?” I generally receive no response to things like that. He claims he sent that link by mistake, which i find to be hilarious. I figured I was a secondary since we never met in person, but now I’m not so sure. He is in some modeling competition right now so I’m not really sure what he would need me for (that would be lots of fuel right?). He receives only emotionless criticism from me, if anything at all. Maybe he truly enjoys the abuse? There are a couple facial expressions I make that he says are exactly how his mother looks at him. Your take?

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    1. TP, in terms of your interaction with Mr Molestee, your remarks will indeed be criticism and will wound him. In terms of his hoovering of you, would you say it is malign or benign? If it is malign, that is why he is persisting despite your comebacks because he wants to draw fuel from you and to punish you for challenging him. He regards the risk of further criticism as worth taking (and/or he is able to draw on another fuel source to address the wound) in order to try and gain excellent hoover fuel from you and to punish you as well. If his hoovers are benign in nature, he is being well-fuelled elsewhere to deal with your criticisms and has persisted because he regards you as an excellent fuel source, worth taking a few ‘hits’ from to secure the main prize. He will not however keep this up for long.

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  4. Hi HG

    I am writing to you to introduce myself first and foremost. I stumbled upon your books on Amazon. They make for compelling reading !!
    Thanks so much for your extraordinary input on this very complex subject.
    I want to share my story … In good time .
    I have discovered that I am an empath… Just worried that I might also be codependent
    Story to follow .. Thanks again for your extraordinary input !!
    Doc

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    1. So is there an email address that I could use to communicate with you ?

      My story pertains to a coworker … Just don’t want to risk having them read this .

      Thanks so very much !

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    1. Yes I do because I am very good at it and it is rewarding. I look for certain traits Heidi, to understand this in much more detail and to save my fingers, I suggest you read my book Sitting Target as it is all in there.

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      1. So I see you still at it being an asshole narc……..nice try jerk……..this woman sees you as you are ………a pussy of a man getting off on attention~

        Liked by 1 person

  5. HG,

    The entire concept of a narcissist being forced into therapy and participating has me confused.

    I can understand how one can be put into a position where going to therapy is the best possible choice within that particular situation. What I have a hard time reconciling is the intended purpose of therapy and the actual utilization and outcome of therapy under these conditions.

    Intended purpose: to help someone learn about their particular issues and work through them toward improvement (remedy), normality and balance.

    I guess my question is, since a narcissist is without fault or weakness… what exactly do you get out of therapy? Fuel? A better understanding of yourself so you can hone your skills? Another soul to play with? If you do not value relationship for mutual benefit… Do you even weigh what the therapist gives you? (This is assuming that what the therapist will give you would be for the purpose of leading you toward balance)

    Also… Which book would you recommend as a starting point?

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    1. Hello Nunja,

      The intended purpose for me is to have me become aware of what I am, why I am the way I am, what happened to me to create what i am today, how my behaviour comes to be and what effect it has on others, to examine my need for fuel and whether than can be addressed in some way, to address my need for control, to blame and to manipulate, to reconcile the issues which are becoming evident from my childhood and to encourage me to adopt a pattern of behaviour and an outlook which is apparently healthier for all concerned.

      What do I get out of therapy? Well, there is the ultimate aim of securing the inheritance and escaping the threatened investigations. I also am interested to understand more about myself, after all what is better than to spend an hour or two each week or thereabouts talking about me? I also gain fuel from the good doctors. I enjoy the cut and thrust of my engagement with them, it has also led to my writing and this blog which I enjoy. It has of course allowed me to hone my skills which I am most grateful for.

      In terms of books as a starting point I would suggest Fuel.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. HG,

        You are the complete package…are you not?

        Intelligence, a rapier wit, a voice that could charm a bird out of a tree and an inheritance to boot. What’s a girl to do?

        Thank you for answering my question and for the humor.

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      1. My N cried, as we sat in his truck with the music playlist he put together for that moment.
        He seemed so sincerely sad that he had to leave.
        I thought it was odd when he perked up a bit, asking if I was going to tell my best friend that he cried.
        It was as if he wanted me to.
        He deserved an Academy Award for that one. For all of it really.

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      2. mine cried like a little boy when he felt there was ‘authenticity’ needed to keep me being responsive, but i had the impression it made him feel utterly uncomfortable. once he even apologized (indeed he said i am sorry) for the drama and called it a show himself the day after. can this be regarded as unleashing what some authors describe as the narc’s vulnerable, childish true self for a specific purpose?
        and after all, maybe with age taking its toll, isn’t it quite exhausting and boring to have to run after supply all the time? is therapy also a tool to develop skills ensuring that relationships get more beneficial for your suppliers too, be it just for keeping a steady flow of supply in a longer run?
        btw, the band called the head and the heart is one of my favourites since i was given their second album when visiting their record label some years back

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      3. That may well have been a pity play by a Mid-Range Narcissist, they are apt to behave that way. You may have caught a glimpse of the true self if fuel levels were especially low however and thus the true self is exposed as part of that pity play.

        No it is not boring at all to pursue fuel. Take yesterday, I had dinner with friends at the hotel where I am currently staying. It was interesting and provided me with fuel. Afterwards, when they had left, I was sat talking for two hours to the head waitress in the restaurant as she told me her life story and I have her snippets of mine. I gained fuel and she provided me with a whole host of pieces of useful information which I could utilise if I wanted to draw more fuel from her. None of it was tiring or boring in the slightest.

        The therapy is addressing many things and it will also address the notion of self-fuelling, which of course is alien to me at present and also looking at ways of preserving the positive fuel rather than having to switch to the negative fuel. I shall keep you appraised of developments.

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      4. The ideas of self-fuelling and preserving positive fuel are really interesting. Please do keep us updated, I’m super curious about this.

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      5. thanks for answering my questions. i am not yet getting your hierarchy really, even after reading some of the posts on the characteristics of the three main classes. the reason might be that i never (or just for a very short time) was the primary source, or that the narc i was involved with is a mix. are the greater qualifying as such by additional dis-, or antisocial pd? can a mid-range be both as well? you introduce yourself as sociopathic narcissist, what are the sociopathic aspects of your actions?
        of course consuming fuel is not boring and exhausting, that much i did understand so far. i was referring to boredom and exhaust as result of being slave to the urgent need of fuel and inability to establish relationships that guarantee its contant flow. isn’t that making you narcs feel like running in circles sometimes? or just acting very uneconomically and inefficient?

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      6. Hello Silverlining, there will be certain traits which can come from differing cadres and schools of narcissist which when viewed in totality allow a determination to be made. Have you read Sitting Target as the discussion of the various class traits may assist further in your consideration. The Greater has ASPD and a higher cognitive function, which means he or she is aware of what he or she is but will largely keep it hidden in order to further his or her aims. A Mid-Range may have some anti-social traits but is no sociopathic in nature, that is the combination for the Greater.
        I do not regard what I do as uneconomic or inefficient although I understand why you may think that. I am efficient. I identify the best targets, seduce them, use them for fuel (which is what I need) and then I discard them when I have a replacement lined-up. It is seamless and engineered. Admittedly, the Lesser of our kind and the Mid-Range, having less developed skill sets may find the process more exhausting when they fail to secure fuel and thus they experience the sensation of being weakened.

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    1. I’ve seen my narc cry several times. I fell for it pretty much every time, not any more. There’s a mutual no contact since I’ve stopped reacting, providing fuel rather. I don’t know if I miss him but I go through these crazy days of inexplicable emptiness.
      Do you hate us for not only finding out your truth but confronting you too? I’ve seen that demonic rage and the face that still scares me.
      I respect you for being honest and calling this a dark art. Thank you, I really appreciate this and take it as one step closer to freedom. Happy New Year!

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      1. My x and I are in therapy once and we were in the mist of an argument. I let x rage and carry on. I did nothing. When x was done the therapist (who worked w prison inmates) said, “do you know what your look reminds me of? Homicidal rage”….
        With that I lost it. I cried deep cries bc no one had ever seen it but me. No one believed me how horrifying the face is”

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      2. happy new year!
        well, you have high energy levels so it makes sense you do not get exhausted. what about getting bored of repeating yourself (past and future)? i had several discussions with the narc in my life about being easily bored and i used to tell him that i am easily bored too, but obviously by different things. repetition generally bores me quickly and i would even go as far as saying it is a natural reaction of an at least average-intelligent mind.
        i read sitting target and went through most of your other publications as well. fury provided me with the most helpful insights. overall your work is very interesting indeed, despite the narcissistic undertone throughout most of it – not all though, i liked the (false) self irony in devil’s toolkit – which sometimes has a disturbing effect on a reader of my kind. and the fairy tales you recently started posting are truly exquisite!
        still i do not quite understand where on the spectrum i and the narc i let come much too close are. i consider myself more or less normal: free spirit, critical thinker, not prone to control (if at all it is me controlling, but not for long as i get bored soon) and admiration is not something i do usually, even if i love someone dearly, or have huge respect for a person’s achievements i do not admire them. summing it up i think i have some narcissistic traits, as well as empathic ones. so how come i was targeted – does your kind sometimes target normals for a challenge?
        the narc is somatic and cerebral (handsome and intelligent), an elite as you say and are too, with me he was more somatic than cerebral, but that was most likely mirroring as i did not find him extremly interesting intellectually. however, i could well imagine that with other targets it is opposite. from all i have come across the description of a covert narcissist fits him best, which according to my understanding of your work is a mid-ranger. but there definitely was awareness of what he is and does, thus he must be a greater. there was a lot of scheming and plotting and also a certain degree of malice, even if not to the extent of yours, not towards me at least. though then again i was not primary source, i was an ipss and luckily i live a few hundred miles away. he for sure was my dirty secret, if i was his too, or if i was earmarked (i like, just like cattle) to be promoted ps, i do not know – it probably is difficult to distinguish between being earmarked and future faking with dirty secrets.
        so it would be of interest to me of course, if you could expand a little bit more on your relations with ipss’ specifically the dynamics with the ones not wanting to be promoted. you mentioned you actually like such set up, which in my opinion is very much contradicting the statement that physical intimacy always is just mean to the end that is emotions and through them power and control.

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      3. Hello Silverlining, thank you for your observations and for taking the time to share them, I am pleased you have found reading my books of interest. I can expand on relations with IPSSs and will do so in future works. I don’t see the contradiction you refer to. Intimacy is not liked but it a necessary tool as part of the seduction. It is, by the very use of the word, present in the seduction of an IPPS and an IPSS. If an IPSS is not going to become an IPPS the intimacy will not just end. We keep the IPSS in place as another source of fuel and dip in and out of it, using intimacy as the tool to draw fuel from that person.

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      4. thank you. i will be reading with interest once published. and i forgot to ask about the addiction-discussion with the good docs in sitting target, is it (to be) continued?
        let me try to explain: among people of not your kind there is something like a silent agreement that an affair is meant to be pleasant and if it is not anymore it is ended in the most polite way possible. there is not much room for drama, mind games for instance playing on the others guilt of not being available 24/7 and endless triangulations. basically you either want to have a good time for some hours, or days, or you do not and quit. that is the nature of an affair, in contrast to a formal relationship where manipulations and other mind games are used also by my kind, not as frequently and moderated, but they are used as well.
        regards from sunny winter wonderland

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      1. Of course! Older queen of empathy would’nt have dared to reply the way I did. I would’ve read that message a million times and probably gotten it inked or carved some place. Why are Narcs so charming? Despite all the hurt, pain and insanity your charming words are embedded in our blood stream.

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  6. Why do most if not all narcissists seem to share the trait of wanting to own you forever?
    Even if they are not currently speaking to you, do they believe you will always be attached to them?

    My ex would constantly say, that no one would ever love me as much as him and he wasn’t saying it to be arrogant, it was just that he knew how much he loved me.
    That no one would ever make me feel as good as him.
    That he was going to love me forever.
    To never forget that he loved me, no matter what happens.
    Repeatedly over and over, sometimes 10-20 times a day.
    He would act like he was going off to war, never to return. So dramatic, it caused me to worry about his mental state.

    He never said a mean or unkind word which makes me wonder if he’s truly a narcissist. It was all love, until he would becoming distant..
    Maybe that was the devalue stage?
    The discard/silent treatment would follow.

    Those are narcissistic things to say, do you agree?

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    1. Mine used to say the same thing… No one will ever love you like me. He also would tell me how ugly I was. He cheated on me thru out the marriage (20yrs~5 kids), went on to marry a Christian woman (so now he’s christian also, by default) 😀… And tells me all the time how I’m going to hell bc I’m not married having sex (which mind you is WAYYYY better then him) 😀

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  7. Wow! This is just what I needed to find on this sad day for me. I left my narcissistic boyfriend 3 months ago and I miss him. He hoovers frequently and begs me to go back to him. I am sad today because I am coming to terms with what he is as I’ve tried denying it’s true. He once said he’d never cheat on me, when I questioned his loyalty once he said he’d hate to be on his death bed and for me to wonder if he’d been faithful! He forced a tear out when I left him and soon got on with what he was doing when I ignored it. He says I’m his soul mate but doesnt look particularly devestated by losing me. He said he’d wait forever for me and wants to marry me. He sounds like a narcissist. He was married to someone else for 20 years and cheated on his wife many times, he has cheated on most girlfriends. He tries to keep exs as friends and has a couple of female friends he triangulates me with. He loves getting me jealous. He tells me of loads of women who fancy him. I’d like to email you if possible as I don’t want to post some information on here. I would like to know if there’s any hope for a man in his 50s to change for a certain person, he’s said he’d go to counselling. Is there any hope if he’s just got traits but not full blown NPD? I appreciate your help 🙂

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  8. so
    the pillars have fallen
    he has indeed dug his own demise
    we have a child
    will he continue to beat the dead horse even if the only flying monkeys left are his parents?
    (he wants his inheritance my child their only grandchild)
    I’m just tired
    he’s irrelevant except for the involuntary sperm donation
    thank you for any response in advance, should you decide to do so.

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    1. Hello E Miller, when you write ‘will he continue to beat the dead horse’ what do you mean? Do you mean continue to harass and contact you?

      he’s irrelevant except for the involuntary sperm donation – pay heed readers, that line sent to one of our kind is a guaranteed major wound and here is why

      1. stating he rather than you, suggests we are not even important enough to communicate with directly
      2. stating we are irrelevant is a criticism
      3. stating we are just a sperm donor strips us of our other real and imagined abilities
      4. stating it was involuntary insinuates that we either came too quickly and thus our sexual magnificence is not as we thought and/or that we did not care about creating a child – we do not but we do not want you thinking that of us

      That is a killer line.

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      1. I meant exactly what you stated above regarding the ” beat the dead horse”
        it’s been pleasantly quiet since I humiliated him along with his pathetic monkeys in court. All pro se.
        However, since his precious god “money” is at stake, I wanted your opinion . Albeit, without truly ” knowing the narcissistic ” (pun intended) it would be impossible for you to accurately answer with anything close to certainty.

        regards,
        E miller

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      2. Whether he will harass and hoover you is governed, as ever, by the Hoover Trigger (if you enter a sphere of influence) and then whether the Hoover Execution Criteria is met. The humiliation meted out to him means he is wary of criticism and the wounding that comes with it so if you stay out the spheres (the 6th being the only risk factor for you) then he is likely to stay at a distance for a time yet.

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  9. Dear HG, thank you for your blog, it is amazing – a very useful way for you to gain some fuel via writing. My question is STRICTLY THEORETICAL 🙂 There is a full blown narc, in his fifties, good looking, rich (has his own company) with 6 kids from 2 diff. women, with a young blond-hair secret lover and many affairs besides. His ex victim after a brutal final discard(physical abuse included) and a heavy smear campaign doesn’t dissapeared, as the narc expected, nor answering positiv/negative to his hooverings, but does small things, what TRULY piss of the narc.
    She learned her lesson, mess up his “controlled area”, telling and sending infos(under fake names even) for the people, who are under his power.
    For example, the narc did some hoover attempt; she, insted of reacting to that, send it to the unsuspecting blond girlfriend with some neglecting words – making him even rediculous. (subtle way, like: sending a screenshot of his hoovering text, showing he is saved under the name “Pathetic Old Goat” in the phone, etc.)
    Or she warned the other exgirlfriend, who the narc still keep for devalue- (she is a great source of fuel!) that the secret blond-hair is coming, so this exgirlfriend throw a temper, and the secret blond-hair couldn’t visit him.
    My question is, what would you do in a case like this?
    What would be your next step to stop her?
    I guess you would be very angry, she mess up your games.
    She is not just out of controll, but you can’t predict what comes next, dough she is not so dangerous, but annoying. (you don’t know her friends, you don’t know her boyfriend- if she has any, you don’t know where she works now, she has no money or objects to attack, litterery there is no grip on her for you)
    Would you do anything at all? Or is it still a fuel, even if its unexpected, and harming your interests?
    Thank you for your answer.

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    1. Hello Kiki and thank you for comment and kind words. I only gain a small amount of fuel from my writing, but I do gain some, I garner much more in my real-life interactions.

      You pose an interesting scenario. Are you sure it is just theoretical in nature?!

      It would be necessary to stop the interfering ex if I deemed it to be harming my prospects with the new blond primary source. I would look at upping the charm with the new primary source so she regards the ex as an unhinged obsessive and I would be entirely confident in my abilities to charm her that way so that she blocks the ex and ignores her. I possibly would place the other ex gf on ice for the time being so as to preserve the primary source (who is the best asset) and thus by reducing the fronts, my energies would be channelled to protect the primary source. The other ex could always be hoovered down the line.

      With the other rex gf sidelined for now, the primary source protected and onside, it would be time to launch several malign hoovers at the Crazy Ex. This would result in her being visited by mental health authorities, roping in neighbours to complain to the council about her behaviour, having the police visit her and ultimately arranging for a lieutenant to pay her a visit in the night and make it clear precisely what will happen to her if she keeps up the interfering. A savage smear in several directions will snuff her out.

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  10. Hi HG.
    Recently I was used as fuel by an NPD/dark tetrad. (Planned short term) In the early days of him ending the ‘relationship’ I discovered what he was & that I was a super empath. A whole world I never knew existed. As I quickly educated myself, I never gave him the expected responses & ignored him from the moment he ended it except for one minor slip. He of course has now trashed my daughter & I to mutual friends.
    Will he bore with my non response & move on or will it provoke him to try & hit harder?

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    1. He is likely to push in the short term but if you stay out of the spheres of influence and ensure your hoover bar is raised high he will be forced to move elsewhere for his fuel.

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      1. Thankyou HG. Your insight is appreciated as I thought hoovering unlikely but can now see it.
        His primary source of fuel is interstate with him (his church) but there are spheres that overlap everyday.
        He is pansexual, possibly more. His business partner is also his ‘ex’ partner. (male) Their ‘friendship’ is 25+ years. There is obviously a codependency/cooperation for mutual gain. My question being what sort of N is the partner likely to be?
        Also, if a hoovering is attempted & fails, what would be his next move? Not pretty I assume.
        Never imagined reuniting with my best friend from high school 30 years later would lead to this. Credit where it’s due… this man is truly gifted…

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      2. Am I correct in stating that you are trying to establish what kind of narcissist is the business/intimate partner of the narcissist you entangled with? If so, what makes you think that the business partner/intimate partner is a narcissist as well?

        If the narcissist you entangled with tries to hoover but it fails, subject to what type of narcissist he is and his fuel supplies, the hoover bar well may be lifted upwards so the prospects of him executing a further hoover are reduced.

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  11. So when I was discarded, I used a scorched earth approach. I let him know I knew he was a textbook narcissist, devalued him in strong terms, and haven’t been Hoovered since. Of course the experience has been horrible, but I greatly appreciate your insight and have gained a lot of knowledge from your books.

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  12. Hello Mr Tudor,
    I just found you yesterday on Youtube. One of your fantastic interviews were recommeded to me after surfing the web on Thanksgiving. After disagreeing with my husband saying; “we’ll leave in an hour to go visit my friends house for a few hours before we have to go eat supper with my mom and my uncles.” To my regret, I responded saying I didnt feel like having supper at his friends house, but that he could go and I’d stay at home until it was time to go eat supper with his moms side of the family. He…reacted angrily. Thankfully though, our 2 girls where at their grandparents this time. (Sorry, I just realized this is getting long. I’ll get to the end. Lol) Long story short; he told me he was going to start saving money to get him an apparentment. “This house is not a home.” Printed off divorce papers again because he couldnt stand to be in a loveless marriage anymore. Evenually telling me one of us was about to get shot if i didnt shut up. Drove off shortly after. I spent the rest of that day googling. Trying to find out ways to “prove to my husbend Im still ‘in love with him’ ” and “Why does my spouse accuse me of ‘not being in love with him anymore’ everytime he gets upset?” and “could depression cause someone to fall out of love and not know it?” The searches eventually steered me towards articles such as “How to deal with toxic people and relationships” and “signs of mental and emotional abuse”, which I almost scrolled past because I know what abuse looks like. I was in that type of relationship with my first husband. I was young. Very sheltered as a child and raised by the best single mom ever! My husband and I were both only children. I our very early 30’s Yikes…I feel stupid writing this now. Everything just been kinda sureal since. Then I heard you had a blog and had a sudden urge to come and comment or something. I’m not sure exactly, I’m pretty much just winging it here. Lol, oh, I do have a question though. Are you familiar with the different personality types? Myers and briggs, I think is the study im referring to. I’m an ENFP. Do you have any thoughts as to which personality types might be most attractive to a Narc?…o.k. 2 questions. Lol, have a great rest of your day!
    Thanks so much for everything,
    A super empath/codependent

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    1. Hello Britney, thank you for your kind compliment and for sharing how you came to be here and where you are up to with regard to your own circumstances. I am aware of the Myers and Briggs test but I have not studied it in any detail as I have my own analysis for the types of people who are most attractive to our kind, as set out in Sitting Target and also in articles on this blog. I would not be in a position to say which of the MB personality types therefore would be most attractive to our kind. I know from our perspective why they are and that is what works for us. If I ever had the time to study the MB personality types in greater detail, I have no doubt I would see which ones would appeal to us the most, but ultimately such an act would be superfluous as I have my own system based on my experience.

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  14. Hi hg,

    I’m fairly new to this path of narc discovery.
    I wanted to ask a quick question. There’s many, but I’d be here all day.
    Reading comments, it seems you were “forced” into therapy. Being narcissistic, how would anyone have the power over you to force you into it?
    The narcissist I’m dealing with would run far and fast if anyone tried to persuade him to seek help.

    Sorry if it’s mixed up mumble. Very new and very confused.

    Thank you

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    1. Hello Confused, this is part of my manipulation of my family. They wanted me to undergo treatment. I refused. This has happened repeatedly. I wanted to secure my inheritance and I wanted to avoid a regulatory and criminal investigation which whilst predicated on lies would be an unwelcome distraction to me. In order to secure those aims I knew I could do so by entering into therapy. Thus, I am securing what I want by agreeing to the treatment. I of course am finding the treatment interesting and advantageous in understanding myself. Another win. Of course I explain I was forced to do it as that is the victim in me, something all my kind have.

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      1. Thanks for the quick reply!
        So basically, therapy is only played out for your own gain and not as a means to “better” (I know narcs already think there is no better 😉 ) yourself.
        How do you identify which type and which level of narcissist you’re dealing with.
        I’ve spent days researching it and can’t put my finger on which type I’m dealing with.

        Also, thank you for the insight. So many people around forums and groups say you are abrupt and upsetting. I actually find myself laughing a lot at your replies (maybe it’s the sadist in me?)

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      2. Hello Confused,

        At this stage yes, but since I have noticed changes I remain open-minded about what might be down the line.
        I do so by reference to various traits linked to cognitive function, control, manifestation of fury, extent of manipulations and more besides.
        read Sitting Target if you have not done so already and there are books in progress about the various cadres and schools of narcissists to provide more information.

        You should laugh at some of my replies. I am a witty man.

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  15. You certainly are fascinating and charming 😉

    How long have you been in therapy?

    At first I thought my ex narc (ha!!! He’s love bombing today) may have been on the Austism spectrum but now I’m leaning Towards sociopath/psychopath. He seems to fit the catergory of fragile narc. Absolutely everything That is said is taken as a personal attack to him (which doesn’t help as I’m a very straightforward say it as it is person)
    so much to ponder. So much stupidity on my part (all but 1 person I know is narc 😩)
    His issues are so deeply around abandonment so I feel like a right c**t to ditch him and be just another person who walked away (though due to his behaviour it is absolutely deserved)
    You are amazing for opening up to people to learn and accept
    And the Witt is amazing 😉

    Like

    1. Hello Confused, thank you for the compliments. I have been in therapy around two years. Your sentiments towards the person you are entangled with are both understandable and as a consequence of the engineering which we engage in.

      Like

  16. Agreed on the hypothetical part, H. Kiki or sounds like you or someone you know has some drama girl! Just remember to follow your own instincts and go with the flow. Everything will fall into place because the universe will always protect you if you listen.

    Like

  17. What you’ve done here is absolutely brilliant. I sensed it’s brilliance when I came here, but I couldn’t trust it. Now I can see myself for what I am and I can see my defense system. Even though I don’t remember, I know some of the things my dad did. He used subliminal messaging, specifically horror movies, to make me think the world was evil and the things he did to me were only a nightmare. I created my own symbols to pull myself back. That was my obsession with notebooks and my dream journals. He used my diary as a child to make me hate myself and I would rip out all the pages and never start a new one. The dream journals started when I was 20 and they were the only way I felt safe to put anything on paper. You’ve given me a journal I can’t erase. It’s right here for me to see and I’m looking now, really looking. And it’s so much easier without the paranoia that the entire world wants to suck my life dry. I never knew what I wanted to do with my life until now. I want to be a part of this. I want to do what you did for me. THANK YOU.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. HI HG New question for you. If your discarded partner was diagnosed with cancer what would you do. Be even crueller, hope the discard dies quickly so you can take everything or get worried that it makes you look bad so you get going with the smear campaign again?

    Like

    1. Hello CJF. I note in the proposed scenario they have been discarded. Have I just discarded them or is it down the line when I am devaluing the replacement primary source?

      Like

      1. Yes the unwell person has been discarded, final discard about 12 months prior (although really occurred maybe 18 months prior). There is a new source of supply possibly not close enough to be considered primary yet? (my understanding is keeping them out a bit is probably better as they are more valuable as secondary supply). Don’t think they are being devalued still seems pretty much idealized.

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  19. Extremely fascinating! All of it! One question though…do you tell everything openly in your sessions? I ask because my ex (narc…and I know for sure now, thanks to you) was in therapy for a while and I know he never told the therapist about our relationship. He was ending a marriage and the therapist apparently told him that he should be “proud” of himself for the way he “handled” things. I cannot imagine a professional saying that knowing that the patient had been having a relationship with another woman for the past year.

    Like

  20. Another realization hit after reading your response. Wow. A ton of bricks wouldn’t have hit me any harder. I have a question that I’d rather not leave out in the open here…may I email you?

    Like

  21. HG- I’d like to get your feedback on whether or not the last man I was in love with was a narc….I am eager to have closure but he has dropped all contact with me for two years – no notice, no reason. Can I email you?

    Like

  22. the ex sperm donor has just sent my sibling yet more vulgar,
    irrational,
    and quite honestly(to me)
    amusing emails.
    Very repetitive in quality.
    It’s been a year and a half .
    I’m compiling a booklet of his stupidity.
    We never respond.
    Any guesses as to why he continues?

    Like

    1. Hello EM, he believes that he will obtain fuel and has developed an obsession. This means you keep popping up in the sixth sphere of influence, he then has a hoover trigger and since he has a means of contact, the hoover is executed.

      Like

  23. Hi HG – I just sent you an email to thank you for sharing yourself and insight with us and somehow wound up pouring out my heart…
    your articles touch the deepest parts of me andI am stuck with wanting to heal and coddling my wounds….

    Like

  24. Something I’m wondering about: if narcissists target empaths, is it the same for their children? Do they target the empath child? If a narcissist became a narcissist because he/she was targeted by a narcissistic parent, doesn’t that mean that the narcissist was essentially an empath to begin with? If that logic is true, are empaths then a step away from being narcissists?

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    1. Hello HKC, there will be targeting of children (empath or no) for the purposes of fuel and triangulation with the Prime Victim. I don’t think it is the case that a narcissist was an empath to begin with, but rather the empathy was not allowed to manifest because narcissism took over and like Japanese Knotweed prevented the empathy from ever gaining a foothold, like knotweed prevents other plants from gaining a foothold. Empaths and narcissists are similar in some ways and vastly different in others.

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  25. Dear Tudor,

    Thanks for sharing your perspective. I’m interested to hear your thoughts on my abusive ex:

    I was too forgiving of the abusive things he said and did (emotional and physical) due to his Autism diagnosis. After the attempted Escape, followed by the Initial Grand Hoover, then brutal Discard, Smear (he behaved in line with your description of Mid-Rangers), and a few more attempted Hoovers (I responded by calling the police and making a physical assault allegation), I realised that in every instance of rage that had occurred, his ad hominem arguments demonstrated Theory Of Mind- this is not autistic rage.

    I was his first girlfriend. He is young. It is entirely possible that by his mid twenties, he will grow out of this behaviour. The other possibility is that his problems are in fact pathological and will worsen over time.

    Say that they are, say that my suspicions of NPD are correct… Do you think being his first girlfriend will make me especially susceptible to lifelong Hoovers? And do you think they will become more challenging for me to avoid as he hones his skills?

    This potential Narcissist is at the very start of his romantic narrative, his General Intelligence is fairly high, and he has an intimate understanding of my traumas and triggers (there are many). He also understands my deepest needs and desires. I could really use your input for my long term strategy, just in case.

    Kind regards,
    Non-Zero Sum Player

    Like

    1. Hello NZSP, thank you for your observations. Your susceptibility to hoovers will be increased because as his “first” you are more likely to enter into his sixth sphere of influence and cause a Hoover Trigger. Yes, the hoovers may prove more challenging as he hones his skills, but you also know by being here how to counter the risk of Hoovers to begin with and then thereafter if they happen how best to deal with them. The material he knows about you will encourage him to hoover as he sees he has the means to gain fuel from you, thus you need to counter this so he is disincentivised to seek fuel from you.

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  26. What about sociopathic grandparents? Do they often seek to control or take over their grandchildren? And if so, do they give up if their sociopathic offspring (parent) leaves country with new paramour and abandons children?

    I have been subject to the cruelest smear campaign and my sociopathic in-laws have everyone snowed that I am to blame for his abandonment.
    Will they continue to try and contact our children (they had been very strongly attempting to alienate them from me) or will they ever leave us
    in peace?

    Like

    1. Hello Bette, yes they will do so. I assume you mean that the grandparents and the grandchildren along with non-sociopathic parent remain in country, whilst sociopathic parent departs? In such a scenario the grandparents would continue their efforts, probably more so because they will (as you have written) regard the non-sociopathic parent as entirely at fault. They will continue to contact their grandchildren so long as it produces a result for them in terms of fuel. I suspect at present that you and the children will appear in their sixth sphere of influence owing to a Malice Obsession and if they have the means to get in touch, the bar on the Hoover Execution Criteria is low meaning that they will keep hoovering/getting in touch. You need to consider ways of preventing/reducing contact but be prepared for the grand parents to go to law to enforce contact with their grand children.

      Like

  27. Hello Tudor, I just wanted to add that Ive read a number of your books now and Ive found them incredibly illuminating. Thank you for sharing this information and putting it into book form.

    Like

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Read and understand all about narcissists from the best source possible. A narcissist himself.

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