The Eyes Are My Sanctuary

When I first meet you and I look into your eyes I find a certain sanctuary. Your optimistic eyes seem like paradise to me. I can see the hope, the desire and the adoration burning in your eyes. Be they brown, blue, green or grey I can see the promise of salvation. That is why I try so hard to win you over. I apply everything I can think of to ensure that you stay with me so I can gaze deep into your eyes and drink the delight, trust and admiration that flows from them. You have no idea how much I need to see those things. The more I show you love, affection and how interested I am in you, the greater the radiance that shines towards me and the sanctuary that you have created for me remains in place. It surrounds and protects me, keeping the pain and the hurt at bay. It is a simple formula; I shower you with affection and attention and you return to me that magical protection in the form of how you look at me. The admiring glance across the restaurant table, the wide-eyed desire when we are in bed together, the simmering passion as I undress you and the sheer adoration as you quicken your pace to cross a room or a road to meet me. I need that place of safety and respite. A sanctuary where I know that the whispering, taunting voices will be silenced. A place of salvation where that cold-fingered dread cannot grip my throat and silence my scream of terror. Those draining shades that manifest from a past which I try to consign into oblivion cannot reach me in this place. That is what I hope for and believe every time somebody new enters my life. If I can just keep you sending me the power and the protection arising from those magnificent eyes then I will be safe. I apply my every effort to maintaining that gaze which will keep the darkness and the foul creatures lurking amongst it at bay. Everything I do is geared around making you feel happy, loved and wanted so that you will keep looking at me in that way and preserving my sanctuary.

Yet, no matter how hard I try, notwithstanding every effort I apply to maintaining your state of joy and happiness, you let me down. Each time someone new appears I am given renewed hope that this time the sanctuary will be permanently preserved and each time you fail me. Why do you do this to me when I try so damn hard for you? The burning admiration that you exhibited towards me suddenly dims. The adoration that blazed across the room has lost its intensity. The shining lustre of desire has become dulled. You do this to me and in so doing you turn the key of the gates, lift the heavy bar and push them open. You do this on purpose don’t you? You breach the citadel so that the screeching, moaning and howling tormentors that have gathered beyond its walls are admitted to assault me once again as they try to pull me into the abyss of insanity. The craven creatures slither forward, their mucus-covered tendrils slipping and sliding as they seek me out, determined to coil about me and drag me silent with terror into that place I must not go. Why do you do this to me? What have I done to deserve this treatment? All I have ever done is love you with a perfect love to cause you to generate that sanctuary and now, with no warning or help, you allow the paradise to be violated by those that seek to harm me.

I am left with no option but to fight them. To muster my strength and seek to defeat these agents of darkness by gathering my rage and anger. I must lash out in all directions, often and without restraint in order to stop my tormentors from destroying me. It matters not who is caught up in this frenzy, it is incidental whether you or anyone else finds themselves collateral damage from my necessary defence of my being. I fight and fight and fight, it is exhausting but it must be done. I have to survive until the next promise of sanctuary is identified and drifts my way. There I will find peace and a place to restore my waning strength. Is it you? Perhaps this time the sanctuary will remain intact.

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41 thoughts on “The Eyes Are My Sanctuary”

  1. Hey HG
    everybody including Narcs need to stability and to feel loved. Then you will like the strawberry flavor forever 😃.
    R and I did watch this during the weekend.
    Will help us both keep the sanctuary.
    http://youtu.be/YwXH4hNfgPg
    Let me know if you listen and like it. What do you think.
    Jump out of your box and stop saying your hardwired for it, there is no hope and that you are like that because you have to.
    Cmon!!! You seem ok to live with your demons (Rs words) but then do something to improve the other side!

    Nice week!

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    1. Here’s my theory: they feel loved and safe, then the brain is like: “DUDE, you’re safe, now let’s deal with and heal from the past.”

      That’s not something they’re okay with, so they sabotage the safe place and both avoid facing any blame, as well as the past that haunts them,.

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      1. You are funny! ☺ I spent 4 years on my narc ex and sadly didn’t succeed in “saving” him, even though I tried my utmost. (Ultimately, I had to leave, to save myself).

        I truly don’t know what more I could have done. Hmm..maybe we can’t save anyone but ourselves? I am happy to be here though, to send supportive and hopeful thoughts, should it ever be needed.☺ Hugs/Survived

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      2. Those words you used are interesting, how you write that I “must look to my own defences”. In my humble opinion, that is a way of expression that a truly caring individual would use, rather than a narcissist.. (I hope I’m not provoking you now). I’ll keep hoping and rooting for you.☺ Btw, received a “hoover” today from ex-narc, day 9 of renewed No Contact from me. Do you think he will ever stop contacting me?😩

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      3. No. I know what to say to make you think that. It is also true but I do not care if you do it or not. It is a matter for you. I am just telling you as it is. In what form did this hoover appear? Will he ever stop contacting you? No. If he is a lesser narc then the frequency will drop off soon as he finds fuel elsewhere but he will always be alive to trying to hoover you so contact will come again even if it is way down the line. If he is of the malign variety he will keep at you and at you. If he is Dr Hart he will surely heal himself won’t he?!

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      4. Yes, he has kept contacting me and never stopped so far (It’s been a year since I broke up). But yeah, I guess he keeps on because I have only managed to ignore 75% of the times. So there is maybe some fuel there, however meagre a ration!😉 What I’m curious to know is, what will happen when he notices that he doesn’t get any more replies. I mean, let’s say I don’t reply at all for 5 years. That ought to get him to stop, in my thinking. But who knows. I just so long for the peace of mind when it finally stops.☺

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      5. Well, on the assumption he is not of the malign variety, then if he receives no replies for 5 years he will have moved on to someone else and be obtaining his fuel there and will largely leave you alone. I write “largely” because he will also consider trying to draw you in and he may call you, text you or message you at some point just to see if there is a response. One problem empathic individuals have (and we play on this) is that through the passage of time you think that we might have calmed down. If the message is one of contrition (which will be false) you like to think that we have seen the error of our ways and you love that. Thus you will respond and bam, we are back in the game, even if it is just an exchange of messages, this will provide us with fuel and from a formerly distant person this tastes sweet. You may not hear anything from him for a long time, but he will try again at some point, every so often. I am sure there are readers who can attest to being contacted and have even resumed the relationship after a significant hiatus. Your peace of mind will arrive but it will be built on a fragile foundation as we never truly go away. You can find out more on how we never really go in Escape.

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      6. Thank you so much for your enlightening response!☺ This is what I’ve suspected. I don’t think he will ever stop completely, but with time, he should find another partner and then as you say, he will go quiet for a while. I sometimes feel that he is using me as a source of “hope” about himself, what I mean is, as long as I keep in touch with him, it proves he’s not “that bad”. The reason I think like this, is that his other ex left him for the same reasons, and he seems to be truly fed up with the fact that everyone’s leaving him.

        Anyway, I suspect he will gladly reach out to me again, when things start to go sour with a new partner.. I just have to find the strength to make my heart hard and just never respond ever again. My brain knows he will never change, it’s just my foolish heart that hasn’t let go completely. But I’m getting there! ☺ I wish you a great weekend and hope to read more of your posts soon.

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      7. Hello survivednarc and thanks for posting. He is not using you as a source of hope. He is using you as a source of fuel to which he will return. It is you who regards him as hoping that he considers himself not that bad, a typical response of the empathic individual. Yes he will reach out to you again and most likely as you predict when things go sour (at his choosing) with his new partner. He will be looking for your juicy fuel and some delicious triangulation. Your brain is ahead of the game and your heart is lagging behind. ‘Twas ever thus and always will be, that is why we manage to drag you back in. Enjoy your weekend and keep reading and posting.

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      8. Don’t you think that is what your subconscious is trying to break through to you? You have been in therapy for quite some time and Dr. E & Dr. O are opening up things to you. Through these blogs and your books, you are truly helping people while building a legacy now for yourself, but using your powers now for good, nonetheless. Yes, you became “hardwired” at a young age to be this way to silence the dark creature inside you that reminds you of past criticisms and disappointments. Again, it goes back to the natural reward system in our brain and logically giving reason to any decision on how to proceed in order to achieve that reward. It’s a form of addiction. What if through medication or treatment, the brain can be “re-wired”. You would choose love and your sanctuary over power in any form. Isn’t it worth trying?

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      9. I understand the point you are making and it is a very interesting one. I have gained a greater understanding of why I do what I do through my interactions with the good doctors although I see no reason to alter what I do. Many have tried to get me to alter what I do and they always fail because the need for fuel is absolute. I understand your point about re wiring what has previously been hardwired although I have no idea how this might be done and moreover if this removes my power I would not be willing to make such a sacrifice. That would weaken me and I regard any re-wiring attempt as one that is designed to undermine me so would not submit. Do you think the narc you experienced could (a) be re-wired ; and (b) agree to this happening?

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  2. On a side note, I know my Narc loved my eyes. It’s what drew him in to me within the first few minutes of meeting me. And even towards the end, he said my eyes always had a way of bringing him back in. Maybe it was the love bombing initially, but he told me he never met anyone with eyes as blue as mine. That is forever burned in my brain.

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      1. But H.G., what about love conquers all? Purest love would replace power and rid you of the beast. It’s not to undermine or weaken you. It’s to make your fragmented parts become seamless and feel whole.
        As far as would my Narc being re-wired, that’s what I’ve been trying to explore through these blogs, books and your writing with Dr. O and Dr. E. The only connection I can find is if you treat it like an addiction which these kind of relationships are (addicting) since they thrive on the energy, positive and negative creating the chemical rush within the brain. It makes other relationships following seem too vanilla or bland. My Narc is a rookie, not quite evolved like you. He is not aware that he has this hardwired condition (disorder). He just is as he operates with no empathy or compassion. He will not hear of anything like this. When I’ve tried a couple of times, I was told once “your fatal flaw is you’re the only person on the planet who brings this out in me and makes me treat you like this”. All my fault! You know the drill.

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      2. Love conquers all? I don’t know about that because from my viewpoint the provision of fuel does the job. The fuel keeps everything in place so why would I risk giving that up for total love and what if that does not work? It might work for you, but not for me. We are different.
        Yes other relationships are bland but that is because they are not the right types for us. The relationships we need are with empathic individuals and especially the co-dependent. Normal people just do not do it for us. Yes, it sounds like your narc is a rookie but he has certainly learned his lines from Narc Academy! Out of interest, since you espouse the doctrine of love conquers all, how would you see that playing out so that it would achieve the seamless outcome you describe? How would you go about achieving that?

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      3. I have one word for you that would make you risk it all – AMANDA. It’s mind over matter. You equate her with your salvation and freeing you from the beast. Your subconscious wants you to try so you will always have the internal struggle. There could be another Amanda out there for you…

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      4. Interesting observation and that has set me thinking about the struggle which rages. There is only one Amanda. I have tried to find her in others and the body count is now rather high. They have all let me down, so there can only be her and her alone.

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  3. Hi MN
    this sentence captivated my attention specially “The relationships we need are with empathic individuals and especially the co-dependent.” what makes them so specially good for you??
    I missed Ross trainings 😥. As an american he did not know that he could not enter UK to earn money without a visa so he was rejected at the airport 😓. He will do a live streaming event but I decided to go for the refund… I wanted to listen to him in person….
    So frustrating but if you tell me a little bit about your codependancy preferance would help 😜.

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    1. I am guessing you posted this before you saw the latest book? My views re the co-dependent can be found in there. It is an alarming situation for those in that position (naturally I prefer it) and they have little idea what they are doing or allowing to be done to them.

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  4. A-ha! So I stumped you. If Amanda was to reappear in your life, there is an entity you could see yourself stepping out of your highly built comfort zone to risk true love in its purest form. Fuel makes the creature go away that you are horrified of. No creature means you are free to love and be loved in return. Of course it’s worth the risk. Keep pluggin’ away at him Dr. E & Dr. O!

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    1. HG, hope you don’t mind that I butt in.

      Clarese, whilst you make some interesting points, you are so wrapped up in your own delusions that you are not listening.

      Love conquers all? Seriously? Are you going to start posting inspirational sayings next?

      A little background : I am a narcissistic (or sociopathic according to many) woman who managed to drag herself out of her personal hell, make friends with the monster inside and conquer the addiction, for the most part.

      Let me tell you a little about love:
      I am not going to call what he has with his targets “love”. It is not. It is infatuation- him falling in love with himself under their adoring gaze.

      To start, love needs trust, intimacy, and willingness to sacrifice and change harmful behaviours.

      Trust:
      Most narcissists are raised by narcissistic parents/caregivers. Simple fact. Parents who are neglectful, abusive, gaslighting, impossible to please, enmeshing and extremely critical.
      To trust them meant to be betrayed.
      We learned to read people, to show them exactly what they want to see, but never to trust. Never to allow ourselves to get really attached and generally view those who get attached to us as weak suckers. That is also why we are unable to have…(drum roll) intimacy.

      Intimacy:
      To truly have intimacy is terrifying. It means we get attached and not only relinquish control, but risk having our hearts ripped out. Oh hell no. We will not tolerate such vulnerability, such weakness from ourselves.

      The only time I was touched as a child was when I was being criticized. Every touch sent the demon whispering about what might be wrong with that body part. I still HATE being touched by anyone but my husband. He is different.
      Yet I used to override it to be the most giving, incredible lover my men ever had. It hooks them like nothing else. Suckers.
      Once I saw them falling for my tricks, I lost all respect for them. Then the devaluation would begin.

      Willingness to change:
      How many times has HG openly said that he is happy being the way he is? That he needs control? That he gets off on outplaying others?
      Now, he gets essentially blackmailed into going to therapy, by his family, who I have a feeling used to go out of their way to control and criticize him. You think he is going to just roll over and let them control him and win? Hmm…

      You can’t force a narcissist to change. Not with insights, not with nagging and pleading, not with promises of “healing” and “true love” and certainly not by trying to control him.

      He is clearly remarkably insightful, intelligent and manipulative.
      The only way he will ever change is if he truly WANTS to change. He clearly and calmly tells over and over again that he doesn’t. I take his word for it.

      My guess is that he will use the therapy, books and this blog to get fuel, show people what they want to see, get his way and go laughing off into the sunset to continue doing what he likes best: getting fuel.

      No trust, no intimacy, loves being the way he is- thus he is not capable of the love that you are talking about.

      As for Amanda, really, Clarese?
      That is nothing but a fantasy, a triangulation that helps him avoid intimacy…and a beautiful, tragic fairy tale to feed women.
      Keeps them thinking about the hurt, scared, lost boy, searching for true love and redemption, underneath the cold, calculating, charming, manipulative exterior.
      It preys on THEIR narcissism, their need to be the special one who finally heals him.

      He is who he is.
      Whatever he chooses, I am grateful for what he is doing here and wish him nothing but the very best.

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      1. Kat,
        You’ve chimed in a few months too late. You wasted much of your time. My main reason for corresponding with H.G. openly on this is discussed in-depth in many of his earlier blogs where a couple of other readers encouraged me and were interested as well.
        Do not lecture me on what real love and intimacy is. I was married for 17 years prior to my relationship with a Narc. I experienced real love, with trust, self-sacrifice and hope.
        Do not read one exchange and presume to know me, my situation, and lash out to put me in my “delusional” place.
        My correspondence here, helps to keep me from engaging in contact with the Narc I am trying to distance myself from. Some days are harder than others. Some days, feeling more sentimental than others, I may go in a direction that seems sappy or Disney-esque. So what? I can still see how H.G. responds to it.
        Everyone has a degree of healthy narcissism. I am no different. I certainly don’t come on these blogs to openly chastise someone else.
        You’re a true narcissist. What’s wrong? No one in your real world to devalue today?
        In the future, keep your comments about me to yourself. NOT INTERESTED.

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      2. Thanks for such a candid, eye opening, post. My ex is a Sociopath and time and time again I find those who haven’t experienced the staggering, horrific, abuse, that is unfortunately standard practice for those afflicted by NPD or ASPD, tend to think that “love” will cure the Narcissist. They make the mistake of projecting our mental landscape and values onto a person who is utterly removed from what we consider “normal”. I thought I could save my ex, nope, I couldn’t and I had to cut her completely out of my life in order to recover from the damage. This Narcissism, on the part of the victim who thinks they’re special, that they’ll be able to fix it when everyone else has been destroyed, is so dangerous. I want to grab them, shake them, and tell them to grow up because it’s dangerously delusional. At the end of the day it was all I could do to save myself let alone anyone else and Satan (my ex) has absolutely no desire to change in the least.

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      3. Hello Mark,

        Kat gave some very insightful comments. Too bad she’s not still around to see your feedback. She didn’t last too long here. Interesting you honed in on one of her rare appearances here.
        I’ve come to learn what I was doing is called complimentary projection in which, like you say, transferring my core beliefs and value system on the Narc. It’s a natural thing if you believe you are attracting the right people in your life in relating to them. Best to be cognizant of that when red flags start to appear and reign it in. Still a learning curve, but I think I recognize the correct cues now to know when to back the hell away, no matter how disappointing it is to realize you’re being let down.

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  5. And yet there is enough projection, personalisation and defensiveness in your post to tempt me to answer you 🙂

    Thank you for proving my point about not listening.

    You are clearly far too rational and complex to judge from a handful of posts. Already know everything there is to know about love from the perspective of someone with a pd. Not to mention being clever enough to have me and my motives ENTIRELY figured out from one post. Nope, no hint of hypocrisy there.
    (Spoiler alert, that was sarcasm… but thanks for the laugh anyway)

    From the way you reacted, I’d wager that your narcissism is not exactly at a healthy level. And that is something I would definitely exploit if I was your narcissistic ex.

    Have a great day.

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  6. Go figure… There was bound to be a bully to show up sooner or later especially at a site dealing with Narcissists. How lovely you chose me as your target. Nikita, Alice, Mis_taken, the others on here, all of their questions / concerns meet your approval? If H.G. no longer wishes for my questions or input, I’ve instructed he only need ask.

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    1. Lol!!
      The tantrum and projection didn’t work, so you resort to name calling, pity plays and trying to drag everyone including HG into your drama.
      My oh my…

      Thanks for another good laugh 😀

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  7. Hey Kat &clareece you both write great things!! There is space for both!!!
    Cmon no fighting!!! Peace and love… Get some good music and cool down. Every Narc is different !!!
    The thing about HG is exactly that. He is so intelligent, aware, etc etc that it would be a dream to us all victims that he would finf amanda and live happily ever after 😃😃
    Ok you botj chill out! Its weekend!
    Go snowboarding, having sex or something cool and fun. No more fights!

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    1. Hi Nikita,

      You are so sweet and I thank you 🙂
      But I would prefer that matter to stay between her and I.

      However, I shared my experiences and opinions and very much welcome rational discussion regarding them, with her, yourself or anyone else.

      As for calm, no need to worry, I am perfectly calm (if somewhat amused), but always love a recommendation of good music.
      My favourites at the moment are The Piano Guys, especially the song Moonlight. Gives me shivers of pleasure every time I hear it.

      Can I ask, would you consider yourself a romantic? Are you a lover of fairy tales?

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      1. I don’t know, I go for some well-earned rest after another day of gathering fuel to find you ladies falling out! It appears I can triangulate even in my sleep. Hurrah for me! I must admit, rising to find articulate, strong-willed ladies voicing their opinions is quite the pleasure. Now, who is making breakfast?

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    2. Hey Nikita, good to see your conflict avoidance trait kicking in there. Incidentally are you advocating that Clarece and Kat should go snowboarding and have sex together? My interest has been piqued.

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    3. Nikita, I appreciate your kind words! I enjoy our interactions as always. I hope you have a lovely weekend!
      Growing up painfully shy and bullied in school, I have no use or tolerance to be so hostilely addressed. Kat can “calmly” discuss with anyone now their views after she came in guns blazing all over me? Okey dokey. I deal with my Narc’s caustic behavior in my real life. I do need to add a virtual one.
      My main reason for being here, since H.G. agreed to therapy for his brother and not just the inheritance, (sharpen your listening skills Kat), is to explore if the victim can treat their co-dependecy on their Narc like an actual drug addiction to manipulate the reward/go system in the brain with the chemicals released; what if that same theory could be applied to the Narc? Since we have a willing participant who has to put the time in with the therapists anyway, let’s push the envelope and see what comes of it! That is my main focus as I wait patiently for Dr. S to respond. (And, yes, I realize there may never be a response on the matter from this particular doctor).
      Do I really think H.G. would find true love with “the” Amanda? Nah. It was 20 years ago. They’ve both grown and evolved into the adults they are now wired and flawed however they both are just being human. Again, since he has referred to her as the key to his salvation though, I can interpret that as someone seeking a true love that can pull him from his abyss. And I was merely making conversation with him while mulling how to answer his other questions.
      H.G. knows how to reach me should a development with his doctors arise. I’m going to take a respite from coming on here. I have other avenues to research this thru as well.
      Off to make my deliciously divine homemade waffles to start my weekend! H.G. you’re missing out!

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      1. Mmm…it really is delicious to wake up to some more fuel.

        Guns blazing? Come now.
        You threw a tantrum because I disagreed with you and pointed out how your projection and obvious delusions showed you were not really listening, but rather pushing your own agenda.

        You could have chosen to discuss it rationally, not resort to hypocrisy, name calling and trying to drag everyone else into your drama.
        The pity plays are my favourite though. I find them hilarious.

        Here’s the thing, it is crystal clear to me that since you were so socially awkward and proved an easy target, you got used to being a passive- aggressive bully. The kind who takes every criticism, no matter how constructive, personally, starts pouting and whining and trying to drag everyone you can into it, so they can not only give you the validation you desperately seek, but hopefully do your dirty work for you too.

        People like you are my second favourite fuel. I cannot resist the entitlement, tissue paper skin, passive- aggression and poor manipulation techniques.
        I can see why your narcissist chose you.

        As I said, if you want to put this incident aside and discuss things rationally, I am happy to do so.

        And with regards to “the” Amanda, I was not referring to her at all. I have a feeling he would have burned through her quickly and even more brutally than usual, since she started off on a much higher pedestal than the rest and thus would have caused a more bitter disappointment.
        I was referring to the “Amanda” that practically everyone with a fear of genuine intimacy has.
        The ultimate triangulation.

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  8. Lol! Down, boy!
    No need to to fill the pool with mud in anticipation of a wrestling match.
    One entitled Mills and Boon devotee throwing a delightful hissy fit does not a fight make…

    But way to deflect. And stir 😉

    Have a lovely morning.

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  9. Wow…could not wait til tomorrow to read the outcome of this ” peaceful” discussion…
    HG made me laugh 😂😂 … Triangulsting with us … 😂😂 in a way its even true 😂😂I guess clarence and kat would not get very far neither in smowboarding nor in sex together and not even if their sexual preference would be of the same gender 😂😂😂 they seem to ” clash together” for a reason I dont understand… When its so easy to ignore when you feel attacked unfairly ….
    And before answering back to an attack then its better to have sex,listen to music … Things that give so intense pleasure..
    By the way you guys in UK have about the best music … Snow Patrol, pink floyd, coldplay , london grammar, Ed Sheeran.. Best bands ever! Have been to every concert.. 😃😃 . What music do you like HG?? Classical??
    Clarence sorry to hear you were bullied in school… Forgiving those who bullied you and understanding that they were in much more pain than the one they you is a step to let go of those bad times..
    Kat: yes of course Im a romantic, fary tail believer … By personality and by culture. Im latin american and its the romantic continent!!! So imagine! Its not so easy to be so mucj in love with a Narc like I am…
    My God they get so fast and easily dissapointed… And then the spiral comes…
    In this moments it helps me to think about HG ‘s stories…
    Wishing you a very good week and a good start into the week!! an easy start to Difficult Monday ☀️☀️🐋
    Hopefully the interactions soften out. 😃👍🏻👍🏻

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