Five False Promises
The promise is used by the narcissist repeatedly, whether through Promised Gain or Future Faking, it is a mainstay of our manipulations against you, but what are the five most often used false promises that the narcissist is using against you and what does the narcissist ACTUALLY mean?
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36 thoughts on “Five False Promises”
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So when ur called out on the lack of filling expectations and promises. Tell them, I know it will happen again. Stop being this weird fucking stranger when I know who u are and what ur cable of. I can literally feel every lie that comes out of his face. But find myself to Just lie and wait for the next explosion but try to deflate it before it happens. Create a different path or different distraction. I know I’m just playing with fire- but it’s so beautiful I can’t stand it. Expect when the coldness comes over me. Like a slow pour of a thick oil – and all it takes is one match.
Are u all adrenaline junkies, can u obtain this fuel you seek from sources that are not human. Like fighting or racin or dare devil, risk taking hobbies, rock climbing gambling – idk
No, the fuel must come from emotional responses. Adrenaline is different to fuel. Of course combining base jumping with an applauding audience and it’s all marvellous.
Damn it
The picture also made me laugh. With respect to #2, some bad debts need to be written off. Other parts too. In the middle of a heated arguement, a chef’s knife was on the counter top. As if he knew what I was thinking, he said that he would never hurt me. Ha..right. Which would make you more enraged…if your supply person decided to fill her mind with someone else’s intellect, or have a physical affair? Or does it matter?
They promise you the golden ticket. Then slowly give you more and more intermittent reinforcement, but maintaining the elusive promises. It’s like living with an emotional slot machine. You just keep feeding the machine hoping it will pay off.
And, when they say I love you, I believe they mean it. It just has a different definition. One is purely unconditional, one is entirely conditional, we just want to truly believe that we have the same definition. Scorpion and the frog. That is a narc/empath relationship in a nutshell.
Emotional slot machine – that`s excellent.
I tend to agree with your assessment of narcissistic love. A narcissist is absolutely capable of love, it`s just not the love that most people out there have convinced themselves they need, want and deserve.
The concept of unconditional love, complete love and true altruism are nearly foreign to me (except in some very, very special cases – we`re talking maybe 1 or 2 max).
Most love comes with conditions (like expectations….). Empaths love to tout their ability to love unconditionally, but it`s really not unconditional love. If the person the empath loves doesn`t meet expectations, for any reason, the empath finds him or herself hurt and the woe is me begins.
Here`s an example:
A friend of mine, who is an empath, was going through a rough patch with her husband. I listened and offered advise because she asked for it. She didn’t take my advice and instead, continued to whine and moan and complain that he was letting her down (apparently, he wasn`t “listening” to her, and frankly, I can understand why the poor fellow chose to tune out.)
Anyway, I became annoyed with her and said, “I’m not listening to this anymore. I listented, you wanted advice, I gave it (so had every other one of her friends) and you refuse to do anything about it, so I don’t have time for this anymore.”
She of course adopted the wounded bird stance and said, “But you’re my friend! You’re supposed to listen to me when I have problems and you’re supposed to help me! I don’t understand why you’re being so cold with me!?! What did I do to deserve this? I need you right now and you aren’t here for me!”
To which I replied, “Don’t expect me to listen to you whine on and on forever. The fact that you’re hurt by my actions right now is your fault because you are expecting something from me that I never agreed to. In effect, you’ve gone and let yourself down. Good luck with everything.”
Cold? Yes. Rational? Also yes.
Where is “I will never lie to you.” ?
Yes, exactly. I heard that one all the time. At least once a day.
You’re so mean but you make me laugh…IDK why!!! Maybe because you tell absolute truth and it amazes me? Or maybe it’s your choice in pictures. Whatever the case…Thank you.
Pleasure.
I have read this again, and really, what it all boils down to, is that you, HG, as a narcissist, are not meeting expectations of the non-narcs.
They have these unrealistically high expectations of what love is supposed to be. I don’t know very many people, narc or otherwise, who does or could meet these ridiculous expectations.
As much as victims say it’s unfair of you to subject them to the false promises, devaluation, discard, “abuse”, etc, I would also argue it is just as unfair of them to impose their expectations on you.
Expectations = inevitable disappointment.
Time to manage those expectations yes?
Mine are fairly easy to manage in that I learned a long time ago not to have any.
In any case, supposing I did have expectations, 99.9 per cent of the human population wouldn`t even come close to meeting even .5 per cent of them, and this is scientific fact. I`ve done the math.
But then there`s that 1 per cent………;)
They create the unrealistically high expectations in the love bombing phase. Removing your skepticism. It is what they do. Then they feed on your expectations. That they themselves created. Once you have no more expectations, they lose their fuel. Then they panic. Hahaha. I’ve seen it in action.
They create the unrealistically high expectations based on the pre-existing expectations the target has.
A narcissist wouldn`t be able to feed on anything if it wasn`t provided to them in the first place. So, when an empath shares their wants and needs and expectations with the narcissist, obviously the narcissist is going to be able to fashion his or her false promises based on that.
The fact that HG so selflessly provides insight into the narcissistic mind is of high value for emapths because he is literally spoon-feeding all of you the information you need to (possibly) ensure you don`t get taken in again.
I would think, that after reading all of these brilliant posts and receiving all of this invaluable insight, none of you would ever get taken in again. Only time will tell, I suppose.
Well put.
I have also learned not to have expectations. Makes life a lot easier.
I would say “I will always love you” is not a promise anyone can really make, “I won’t hurt you” is totally impossible, everyone you love will hurt you at some point, but perhaps “I will never purposely go out of my way to hurt you for my own enjoyment” is more the narcissist’s lie..
But as for being faithful and repaying debts, I don’t understand how you think these are “unrealistic” expectations. They seem like pretty basic expectations for any monogamous relationship. I would agree with you that empaths generally have unrealistic expectations, as do N’s. I think this is one if the ways we both shield ourselves from vulnerability – we don’t really want a girl/boyfriend, we want someone perfect (Bo Burnham’s new “Make Happy” is out in Netflix, he has a hilarious song about this).
Anyway I guess I agree with the point that we have unrealistic expectations, but the defense of “well that’s your fault for having expectations in the first place” is ridiculous, especially regarding the few I listed, or really ANY that two people agree to. Because every relationship is different. But if you agree to it, it follows that the other person is going to hold you to your word. And if you truly have no expectations – then I can do whatever I want, treat you like garbage, and by your own logic, if you don’t like it, that’s your own fault.
(That response was for blood and thunder, btw). Umm can I tag on here? @bloodandthunder testing 1 2 3
I don`t understand the concept of monogamy, KP, so while I accept that those expectations exist (fidelity, debt repayment, etc) I am not able to understand how they exist when it is just as impossible for someone to tell you they will be faithful to you for the rest of your life (or their life) as it is for someone to promise they`ll never hurt you or love you forever.\
There is always someone out there who is richer, smarter, prettier, and more successful than the person you are currently with. Therefore there is always the risk that eyes and hearts (??) will wander
People can set and agree to any number of expectations in their relationship. It doesn’t mean adherence or respect is guaranteed.
“And if you truly have no expectations – then I can do whatever I want, treat you like garbage, and by your own logic, if you don’t like it, that’s your own fault.”
Yes, absolutely. If I sit back and allow you to treat me like garbage, or hurt me, or malign me, then who else exactly, is to blame? You for hurting and maligning me, or me for continually allowing it to happen and not doing or saying anything about it?
If I stick around and suffer your abuse, for whatever reason, then it is me who is to blame for the repeated heartache and emotional devastation.
I don’t understand how empaths think and feel and the perspective I offer reflects that. I do gravitate toward HGs way of thinking (and there are reasons for that), and I identify more with his world view and experience than I do with an empath’s world view and experience.
I am entirely fine with the fact that many of you don’t understand my perspective and seek to challenge it. I am simply here to revel in HGs brilliance, participate in discussion and share my views, just as the rest of you do.
I appreciate your reply b&t. Too often it seems like people can’t hear “I disagree” without taking offense, especially online. This makes it impossible to learn anything! Or to grow as a person, I think. When I find I have a strong stance that opposes someone else’s POV, if I’m able to ask questions and get real, non-judgmental answers, I usually find myself… well, not changing my mind entirely… but I’d say, walking away with a more balanced view than I had before.
Anyway. 1) Yes I suppose you can’t guarantee something like fidelity any more than you can promise loving someone, but I think the point is the intent. It goes back to the title of this entry “Five False Promises.” Although I’m sure there are exceptions, I’m just going to say that *generally* narcissists know that they don’t love you, or won’t always, they know they have no intention of paying you back, they know they can’t stay faithful, etc. But they lie and say they will. Sure, some people promise these things honestly, and despite good intentions, they end up breaking those promises. So yeah, you’re absolutely right when you say there are no guarantees. But guarantees are not the point. The point is the intention..
..And if you think intention is not important, consider this scenario: You pour your coworker a glass of coffee, but the coffee has poison in it, and she dies. Your now on trial for murder, and your fate hangs on the answer to one question: Did you know that the coffee was poisoned?
2) “If I sit back and allow you to..hurt me…then who else exactly, is to blame? You for hurting and maligning me, or me for continually allowing it to happen and not doing or saying anything about it?”
You answered your question: “If I stick around and suffer your abuse, for whatever reason, then it is me who is to blame for the repeated heartache and emotional devastation.”
This, I think, is one-third correct. Yes, you’re right, that would be your fault. Part 2 is that I think that some of the fault also lies with the person treating you badly. You staying is your choice, but it does not excuse another person’s bad behavior.
And what about relationships where one can’t leave, like with an abusive parent and their child – am I to blame for my father’s abuse because I “allowed it to happen”?
My answer to your question, who is to blame – it’s both of you. But the 3rd part to my answer is… Your question doesn’t even matter in the first place. It makes no difference who’s fault it is. Blame doesn’t matter. I struggled with every form of this question for several months this year, after he left me. I didn’t know whether to blame him for being so cruel, or myself for being so dumb. By the time I realized that the answer was that we both were to blame… I realized, I had been asking the wrong question all along. I realized that it didn’t matter in the least who’s fault it was for any of this. How I arrived at that conclusion is another story. I think I’m confused about what point we’re discussing on this one, I think originally I was just trying to say I didn’t really understand how you can have no expectations going into a relationship. Lol little off topic
1&3 oh and 5 in a Hoover even though I never said there was a problem with him ? He must have been too used to hearing it haha.
He promised amazing in fact mind blowing sex !! Never had that, god damn it !!
Don’t worry Alexis I will make it up to you.
Mmmmmmmm I’m already on hotels.com
Scoundrel
Its dissapointing to be lied to like that. Sometimes N keep promises sometiems not.. My experience
I’d say my mother has used these promises against me, but I’ve heard MYSELF utter these same false promises (and quite convincingly)
And how does that make you feel Cara?
I’m turning into her.
HG, I know future-faking is a different kind of promise, usually involving something specific (engagement/marriage, meeting family/friends, vacation of a lifetime- still waiting to hear that story, by the way!). Please share in a future post your top future-fakes/promises.
Hi Cody, yes I know you are patiently waiting on that particular story and I have made a note concerning future faking, there will be more on that for you.
Thanks, HG. I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again: your personal narratives involving one (or more) of your actual fuel sources are some of your best posts, and definitely relatable for most of your audience here as they know what it’s like to be in her shoes.
Thank you and duly noted.
Future faking. Know it well. I await that one with baited breath. Jeez.
Sometimes stories come true 😃😃❤️
“I will carry on doing what I am doing and nobody will ever stop me.”
And to expect anything more (or less for that matter) is inane.