I become easily bored. I think it is as a consequence of how clever and brilliant I am that my mind is always racing. It is rushing over and over, thoughts and ideas percolating through it. I therefore need to be simulated and kept occupied. This translates into my relationships. I don’t know why, but after a period of time I just become bored with whoever I am with. I usually tell them that you’re the one I like best, you retain my interest and you’re the only one. Somehow this changes. I have often considered why this happens and I have reached the conclusion that is a combination of me becoming easily bored and that you become irritatingly clingy. Rather than realise I have become bored, you hang around and this begins to irritate me. In order to get you to understand that I do not want you anymore, I have to resort to more and more nastiness to drive you away. I must confess though, in most cases this seems to have the opposite effect. It is odd. The harder I try to push you away, the tighter you cling on and this then angers me. Every so often however there is a spark of interest and I remember how it felt before and somehow I must reflect that to you as you seem pleased. It does not last long and the all-encompassing ennui comes crashing back down again and thus I have to push you away as I try to find someone new, something different to engage me. Yet still you remain, repeatedly dangling and left in limbo. The occasional glimpses I provide you of how things you used to be really do draw you back and give you some kind of misplaced hope that I can rekindle what we once had. It never can be done as my sterile state returns and in order to fill that I can now longer turn to you. You remain is a state of suspension, bouncing back and forth as if joined to me by a piece of elastic. I won’t cut it and neither it seems will you.

126 thoughts on “Elasticated

  1. Darlene McIntosh says:

    He wanted it over and I fed him the words. “Just tell me you don’t love me anymore and I’ll know it’s over “. He thought about it. Then he slept in it. The next day he said, “I don’t love you anymore and I want you to move out”.
    Crying entailed, of course. Then I enacted my backup plan. I called my best friend and asked “Are the house keys still in the hidden spot? I need a place to stay”.
    After the initial shock, I moved all my possessions 1 week later. It was surreal.
    It’s been 1.5 months now. I doubt he will Hoover me. He’s too proud.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You made your move. Why did you want him to say the words?
      The hoover will come. There is plenty of time yet, Darlene.

    2. Ella Epona says:

      Welcome to Freedom! Well done, you gutsy lady for standing up for yourself.Stop worrying about him & save yourself! Every human being deserves respect, love, appreciation & admiration by loved ones. Narcs care for nobody! If you are hoovered back in, you will suffer some more, those wounds will be even deeper & more painful.Stay away, honor, heal & love yourself now that you are grown up & you can. The Best Wishes.Ella

  2. Faith says:

    If bored so easily, why marry and some stay married for decades!?!? Have children???

    1. HG Tudor says:

      For the purposes of fuel and control Faith. The necessity of having a primary source which can be triangulated, devalued, discarded and hoovered. If you read the 4 Classes of Narc v Primary Source Interaction it will make further sense when you see the ways in which these relationships pan out.

      1. yoyo says:

        that answered my question as to why he married me after he divorced the first wife. I asked if did he ever loved me? he did a lot of future faking. the hobbies and interests was for him to be ahead financially so even after he retires , he could have a job as a massage therapist, or professional photography (glamour and nudity, pls take note of all the women he met and used to triangulate). it was to control me and everything I did including islating me from friends. I could not invite friends during Holidays . He made rules in the house that only aplied to him. He continued to contact me and wanted to be friends as we have a 14 year old. Is he using me to triangulate with new supply of fuel?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          His continued involvement with you will be to gain fuel from you, but also he may be using you as a device to triangulate with his current primary source of fuel so that the his source provides better and more potent fuel as a consequence of the perceived threat arising from your presence.

    2. ja says:

      I have the same question. And I thought of the same answer -“he wanted a child”. 17 1/2 years of my life wasted when my daughter and I were abandoned. I found out he was cheating but he was very upfront when he said he has been “talking” to someone at work. They talk about his marital problems and his unhappiness in everything. Then he accused me of wasting 17 years of his life..

  3. Leilani says:

    All an illusion. I must admit, it is greatly used in all areas of life.

    1. cjhawkes03 says:

      Hey Lelani,

      How are you?! I just wanted to give you an update about Narcissist Seduction…. i am still reading it… about 70% of the way through it. I am really enjoying it and find8ng it to be so similar to my situation with my ex girlfriend that its a little scary lmfao!!!

      However i have had to put a halt on reading it for the time being as that ex has just moved back to my home town and not only that… she is staying with one of her friends which is all of 5mins from my place!!! So yea… ive had to stop for now and pick up a couple of others that are more applicable to my needs right now (e.g. Manipulated, Escape, Chained, etc). But when I get back to Seduction… i promise to let you know how I go when ive finished it and also keep you posted on my thoughts on Ensnared also.

      Have a good one πŸ˜‰

      1. Leilani says:

        Thank you CJ. You are doing well. A word of advise, see yourself, focus on yourself. I was just recently diagnosed as as a narcissist by Dr’s and professionals here in Southern Cali, sshh. My privacy is protected. After all this time, I denied the realm. I kept saying I am a co-dependent. .emphat but a funny thing, I knew I was my father’s extension, a “Golden Child”, but controlled by an elite narcissist who abused my Mother who is an LAUSD professor verbally and my older siblings. Education , money, business, UCLA, USC medical, entertainment and brains. This is who we are.. all family must abide to this rule. Everyone has said to me that I hurt everyone (we won’t go there). Ok, I understand. If and when a man no longer serve my needs, I devaluate and most of the time, a discard … be gone. I will always get anyone I want. But I am also a humanitarian. I am in therapy finding better alternatives. I am learning from all of you and HG of course. Got to go.. I’m at John Wayne airport in Newport getting ready to board the cessna. Keep me posted.

        1. cjhawkes03 says:

          Enjoy your flight Leilani!!! Will definately keep you posted as promised lol.

          Thank you for what you have written here!! I appriciate what you have said!! The more time I spend researching narcissism and reading HG’S works and blog along with all the comments on here etc etc…. the more I can see certain narcissistic traits in myself also (but as HG says… EVERYBODY has some narcissistic traits lol). I do not doubt my Borderline diagnosis AT ALL as i am far too emotional to fall on the narcissistic side of the personality disorder fence…. along with a number of other bpd traits that are very strong within me too!! However yea… im definitely beginning to see a number of ways in which we are VERY strongly alike!!! I do not have that same confidence level as you guys… however, there is a level of confidence that does come once I have someone in my grasps up on my pedestal!!… once up there… i know that even the ones who swear black and blue to be straight… they all eventually succumb to me in a sexual manner at some point or another!!! But yea… until they are firmly placed up on the pedestal…. i have zero confidence!! E.g… my confidence level in myself if I was to go out clubbing right now would be almost none exsistance for majority of the time!!! It wouldn’t even start to show at all until someone showed interest in me first!!

          But other ways we are very similar is in the way that we do make that other person our whole world!!! That we will go to great lengths to secure them. That we will do whatever we can to learn as much about them as quickly as possible!! And we definately partake in love bombing for sure!!! Im sure i could find many more similarities however im not too sure I’m willing to admit them just yet… lmfao!!! Oh… i do also end up hurting everyone (ive had to learn this the hard way too through everyone telling me I hurt them which is quite crushing for me to hear to be completely honest!!!)… however its not quite in the same way that a narc does. So yea… there are many more similarities that I think I like that admit honestly!!!

          How did you feel when you got that diagnosis?? Was it something that was made any easier for you by having been brought up by narc parents and having narc siblings?? Only because there was a kind of “forewarning” of sorts?? I only ask out of curiosity because I had no prewarning!! And ive only discovered all this info on narcs in the last 2 months most i think??! No one else in my family is diagnosed BPD, no grandparent any others. There is history a few gens ago of a judge who couldn’t handle his life so he walked him self drunk… smashed… into the ocean as well as high up lawyer also with substance problems killing them self too!! And then yea… average depression. But yea… not much in the way of personality disorders!! We did however have ADHD from at least my Grandfather, to my mother, to my younger brother and sister as well as myself!! Lol. Probably went back further too but that’s all we can prove lol. But yes… im very interested to know how it felt for you to recieve that diagnosis and how it felt for you to first starting excepting it???!!

          I have better warning in the way of my BPD in regards to my history… e.g. too clingy mother, abuse father, traumatic childhood. Traumatic teens, etc etc etc. Was 1st diagnosed at 15.

          Hope your flight is going really well lol!!!

          So is that what your asking of me tho… too stop…. really stop and look at myself…. talk a long hard look at myself and look more for the similarities rather than the differences????!!

      2. Leilani says:

        Thank you CJ03. The flights are always enjoyable. The events attended were productively potent. Thank you for sharing your experiences and family history. Yes, I’ve been mostly aware of it but never put a label on it until I met HG (“met” as in this forum). It goes back in the childhood. Narcissism was not mentioned nor faced truthfully. It was survival. It just is.. you asked how I felt? I didnt. You said “they” eventually succumb to you in a sexual manner? How do you feel about that now? What do you mean they? Do you still feel the need and longing? Or are you aware? Do you acknowledge the feeling and let go of it in the moment?

        By the way, I have very long, thick, silky, black hair, petite with a pair of large almond shape light glittery brown eyes, full lips and high cheek bones. Intensely exotic.

        You will do well with your goals by interacting with HG. He is honest with his answers and funny at the same time. He is deep in his conviction. Soak it up and ask away… keep your awareness flowing into you. It’s there at all times. Do not be hard on yourself. It is the narcissist job to lay it upon you. No contact is the key. Ask the King.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Thank you Leilani and of course you are correct.

        2. CJ*03 says:

          Thankyou Leilani.
          Very much so appriciated!!

          Your questions have given me much to ponder and I shall get back to you when I have spent some time thinking them over!!! But they are already rolling around in my head bringing up many different thoughts!! So yes… will be interesting to see what comes out of them!! Lol

          I’m very glad you enjoyed the event and you got a nice intake of fuel.

          Thankyou for answering the questions I asked!! And i will most certainly keep reading and learning and always referring to the king for all matters narcissist related lol!! I do indeed find him to be very witty and amusing but yes… as you said… so honest at the same time!!!

          I really appriciate HG, Miss_S, B&T and yourself too, for continuing to remain in contact with me and keep answering anything I seem to throw out to you guys!!! Thank you so much for this!!
          – CJ

          1. Leilani says:

            You are most welcome CJ.

          2. CJ*03 says:

            P.s. Leilani….
            I forgot to say that not your beauty helps work in your favor when you are seeking out new appliances?!! Exotic can be very enticing indeed!!! πŸ˜‰

        3. CJ*03 says:

          Hi Leilani,
          I now have some more time to answer your questions… i did need sleep at some stage however lol!!!
          Ok… so…. When I said that “They” eventually all seccumb to me in a sexula manner, I meant every person, from the age I first started having sex, that has been up on my pedastal, I have slept with. Regardless of claims to be 150% straight or not feel “that way” about me… It has happened!! And Ill just make it clear…. by no means whatsoever have i EVER pushed mself onto anybdy in that way!!! I WOULD NEVER F*CKING DO THAT!!! What a horrendous thing to do!!! If anything… they have ended up being the ones to proposition me (ofcourse this is after they are well aware of the fact that i am very interested indeed in sleeping with them lol… I spend much time proping them up in this regard!! I am quite good at this part actually!!).

          How do I feel about it now??! Well I am certainly not upset at all about it!! I dont overly think about it to be honest!! I am usually to busy moving on to the next person who I am letting take prime position on the pedastal!!! They are a memeory of the past!!

          I dont overly feel the need or longing at all for them… not when there is someone new around anyhow!! Its during the periods where I am in between people that I will think about them. Because during that time, I have yet to find my next glorious speciman of humanity lmfao, My thoughts will be all over the place during this time and that is when i might have a small brief moment of “longing” for them but it does not last long at all!!
          In the moment… No, i do not acknowledge the fact that this is happening… I am quite swept up in the raw anamalistic thoughts and feelings I am having that no… i do not even consider the thought that they ad said the were straight and that it would never happen and blah blah blah.

          I dont know what you make of those answers but i am sure interested to here your thoughts so feel free to say as you wish!! I look forward to your reply!
          – CJ

      3. Leilani says:

        My pleasure HG.

      4. Leilani says:

        Indeed CJ. The attention is overwhelmingly kosher. “Innie, minnie, mighty mo, my Mother told me to pick you.” The magnet is unbeatable even when and/or wearing a sport hat and a pair of dark serengeti sunglasses. Hardly any effort.

        1. CJ*03 says:

          Hahahaha….. well why am not surprised in the least???!! Hahaha

          I am actually just writing you another reply now on my laptop to the questions you asked me!!

          But yes… i was definately not surprised to hear this is the case for you. Does it make it all the more fun for you that men just fall at your feet so to speak??! OR do you feel a lack of challenge??

          1. Leilani says:

            Thank you CJ, you are too kind. Yes and yes/no on both answers. Having the upper hand is satisfying and fun. I do agree (wink). The physical and external vision of beauty and exoticness cause heads to turn. I never turned them away as I know they are stuck or caught in their willingness to provided attention (they can’t help it). My radar does find the more challenging ones (challenge to not acquire, I have none) to hold my piercing eyes touch in the golden stage of meet and greet. No prejudice to more than one. Try chamomile tea to relax and watch funny movies.

          2. CJ*03 says:

            I shall take on board what you have said about trying chamomile tea and funny movies…. i shall go buy what I need today so that I can it a try tonight!!!

            I can imagine that it would incredibly satisfying and fun to have the upper hand… however do not also relish the idea of a challenge??? Who are generally the ones you consider to be “more challanging” when it comes to yourself??!! Which men do you find are less likely to let you have said upper hand and cause you to require to deploy more time and effort??? If it is simply about to intake of fuel… why would you enjoy a challenge as much when it seems you quite willingly have fuel pouring down on you in massive quantities already given your aesthetically pleasing exoticness??!! Why would you go and burn more fuel when you have such an array of possible targets already available to you??!….

            I guess there is a part within all us that enjoys the thrill that comes when a challenge is put forth??!! Lol…. i know i certainly enjoy a damn good challenge myself!!! πŸ˜‰

          3. Leilani says:

            Now that’s impressive. I used to keep every ounce and drop. Remember, there are four seasons. Winter, spring, summer, and fall. When over fueled, some maybe given to friends, colleagues and acquaintances. Maybe it’s just kept for when needed but you’re right, most of time, no need for action. The action comes to me. Awareness truly is one of the keys to keep neutral. Chamomile has some intense relaxation affect in my body and mind. Of course they are illusions. Comedy flicks render releases of the third party in you. I recognize the difference. I recently watched “The Visit” on my ride in the sky hmm, it was trippy. No comment in addition to that comment.

          4. CJ*03 says:

            Hahaha fair enough then!!! I guess shall be definately buying some chamomile to try!! It is certainly worth a go and not going to hurt me if it doesn’t work!!! Lol

        2. CJ*03 says:

          Oh…. btw…. i personally am more of an Oakley and Arnette sunglasses fan!! Lmfao!! But i can appreciate good looking people in good looking sunnies of all kinds!! Lol

      5. Leilani says:

        Hello CJ, I appreciate your expressed feelings and thoughts from deep within you. Thank you. As one writes, the contents said in writings are acknowledged. Awareness will creep up on the suface. With the support in this forum, answers and experiences shared (HG’s included) and HG’s posts and books, you will feel a change of patterns to the behaviour. Once the skills are practiced daily, a shift will be recognized. The ingredients of some essence may feel off-kilter not recognized due to one’s been used to the pattern of low emotions and methods. This is what I experience with the process of practicing self awareness. I am not quite there as of yet. It is unfolding to the course. You stated you put one after another on the pedestal. What do you think would happen if you did not put anyone on the pedestal for that one time? Care to try?

        The lust chosen sexually is driven to validate needs, wants, attention, love and worth. If the awareness of higher emotions is not chosen, it would only be a body to masturbate with and nothing further. I suppose it can be naturally acceptable but not to the therapists and Dr’s. They maybe right to let go of “shame and blame”. Afterall, they are just feelings.
        I do have a few Oakley sunglasses. I enjoy them. I use them when I go skiing in my hideaway glass cabin home in Big Bear, CA. Yes, I am a sucker (as we say in Southern Cali) to someone with a deep sense of humour.

        1. CJ*03 says:

          What perfect timing to recieve notification of your awaiting posts…. not very long after I wake at all!! As usual…. i shall kick my day off with some time spent replying yourself and the other lovely people who have given me their time!

          You ask what i think would happen if I didn’t put someone else up on the pedestal…. well this is actually something I have spent considerable time trying to stop happening…. it still is a very strong goal of my therapy at the moment. It’s a pattern i do not seem to be able to break no matter how hard I try and i really do try…. its such a deeply painful cycle for me in the end because they all leave. Every single one of them leave!!! And the part that f*cks with me the most is the fact that they disappear without a word… leaving me questioning absolutely everything in my attempts to understand why?!! So yes… ive tried to avoid it… i still try now!! I do not want to do it again…. yet I do not seem to know any other way!!

          What higher emotions are you suggesting i may not be so in touch with or aware of?? I do not doubt that i have truly loved each of these people in the absolute only ways I know how and given everything I have at that time to each of them. Surely it would not be such a painful experience if i did not feel my heart break everytime each of them leave??!

          I agree whole heartedly that so much awareness can come to the surface when we write!! I actually write quite often… i find it very enjoyable!! I have discovered so much about myself over many years of writing.

          What skills in particular do you refer to when you say that once they are practiced daily, I will feel the shift. What do you suggest I be practicing daily?? I am open to trying absolutely anything to be honest!!!

          Ahhh….. glass cabin home….. i would love very much so to spend a nice amount of time there….. very very much!!! Haha. I would even give up my Oakley’s for it!! Lol.
          And it’s only natural that you would be a sucker for someone with a deep sense of humor… some of us may feel as tho we are stronger in the way of our untold charm and entertaining nature…. i have ways of my own to bring the likes you and your kin to your knees!! Haha!! I hope you do not doubt me on this???!! Hahaha!!
          and, humor i have found is a fantastic way to cause a win/win situation for someone like myself!!!…. i give you a reason to laugh and feel good… and in return i am blessed with a smile that makes me weak at the knees almost myself!!! See…. win/win as far as i can tell??!!! Hahaha

          1. Leilani says:

            Woh, did I hear something about to my knees CJ? No worries, I don’t doubt you whatsoever. I can imagine.

            What I meant about high emotions are courage and acceptability practiced daily. “Doing” the opposite of what one is comfortably accustomed for manesfestation. You can do it. As HG stated, No Contact. No Fuel.

          2. CJ*03 says:

            Yes…. i can most certainly go no contact with my ex…. i dont doubt it now!!
            But you are very right…. i should be practicing acceptability… of myself… of who I really am!!… but thereinith lie the issue…. i thought I knew better than anything, who the hell i was!!!… however now, now I’m left questioning so much of what I knew!!!

            And i am glad that you do not doubt my charm and my deeply amusing personality!!! Im also more than happy to know that you would willingly fall to your feet infront of me…. i wont lie and say that there is not something so very appealing about this fact Leilani…. ahh but you knew that already didn’t you??!! HahahaπŸ˜‰

          3. Leilani says:

            Your charms are singing with humming birds all at once. Where is the video camera? And…. “Action!”

          4. CJ*03 says:

            Ahahaha…. oh you are just all too funny now aren’t you Leilani!!! Tsk tsk to your smart little mouth…. do you know what I do to girls with smart little mouths like yours Leilani??!! Lmfao!!!

          5. Leilani says:

            Haa, I do CJ. Be careful it doesn’t burn.

          6. CJ*03 says:

            Aahahahahaha oh how you entertain me Leilani!!! Lol

          7. CJ*03 says:

            So…. given your scorch factor Leilani, do you find yourself in need of having to deploy many of the other manipulation tactics etc, to the men that you lure into your Web??! Your freely and openly admit to the fact that you have no problems in the way of having men fall at your feet (… and perhaps women too… all though I do not know how well that bodes for you Leilani??!! Hahaha), however yes… you don’t regularly find that you meet with resistance when you have these poor helpless fools falling into a puddle of their own drool… does this sort of adoration etc provide you with they kind of fuel you require?? Or is it those challenges inbetween these poor poor lost fools that give you that added premium fuel if you will, when you eventually conquer them?? Would their fuel not provide a richer substance for you considering the didn’t just willing fawn over you??

            (Appoligies if that doesn’t quit make sense… i find i am a wee bit all over the shop at the moment lol!!).

            Oh and as for that burn….. i welcome it!! Surely you know that a little pain can cause a great amount of pleasure…. each unto their own though!!!

          8. Leilani says:

            I knew you would come back for more. I find your writings enrichly funny CJ (laughter). The “fools” as you labeled the men to be and are helplessly falling into the puddle of their drool is simply a chase. They can’t help it. Adoration is fuel. Regular fuel. Needless to say I don’t pay attention to Diesel due to their bitter taste. They are hardly lured into the web for their willingness is condensed and thick. They are poor and helpless in a sense that they seek for more than just a fling (a “fling” can last for years) when I merely wanted a “boy” toy (but not unlimited to plural) and off you go back into the toy chest. I will say when you get to play. This is where the premium fuel comes in to play. Control with no effort even whey they don’t know they are being controlled by some entity. A facade of what they hope to accomplish, a relationship with rules and devotion to love is not the goal but is given anyway. It’s for the taking and that is fuel. The web is loosen for only a duration. It tightens up as the control tightly engages in the soul (I don’t see any of the fools complaining when engaging with me in Malibu or having dinner in San Francisco for one night or the limo rides). The challenge is not so much the exciting part as the fuel becomes exceedingly low. But then again, there’s much fuel kept for a rainy day as you stated the relevancy of fools drool. I believe it is all about the fuel. Gaining fuel in business and whatever successes in life would be fuel. The events, people, places and things are fuel. Success and money would be fuel (yum). A nice respectable elderly smiling at me as she is walking on the pedestrian would be fuel. I understand and now aware I have hurt people but maybe I was misinterpreted because of their sensitivity. Maybe it is my beauty, exoticness and success. I am glory and you know I appreciate everyone. I help the needy and have my own charities. Are you feeling sorry for me yet CJ?

            I will have to leave the judgement upon you in reference to your question about women as well. Note that I do not hold my self accountable for how all believe their illusions and perceptions to be within themselves on me. Even a butterfly looks at me with adoration. I dont think you’d be able to handle it CJ. It would be too intense for you. I am much flattered. Oh and yes, I do like pain. I did promise my codependent Mom that I am in therapy and is open to understanding one’s feelings. I don’t understand her at all. I can tell you that she is still in Post Traumatic Stress syndrome for 40 years. That was her choice. I am willing to practice self awareness. Letting go and be that open space where I used to manipulate myself to reach that success. I wonder if one can just be that space. How is the chamomile working for you?

          9. CJ*03 says:

            Oh Leilani…. i really do find you quite amusing as well!!! This is evident in the faces that turned to stare when I suddenly errupt in laughter as I walk through the shops reading your comment… “Even a butterfly looks at me with adoration”!!! Further followed by…. “I don’t think you’d be able to handle it CJ. It would be too intense!!”.
            Ahhh…. i do fear you underestimate who you are tangling with Leilani….. I feel confident in the fact that my unique Aussie charm would no doubt result in me feeling the adoration in this relationship!!…. hahahaha πŸ˜‰ But if only there was a way for us to test this theory???!! Dammit!!! But…. in saying this…. to answer your point that judgement shall be left to me… i have a sneaking suspicion that perhaps I may be far to much woman for you full stop Leilani. I would hazard a guess as to say that you reserve your intimate fuel intake for male company alone lmfao!!! Just a guess from the things I have read in the way of your comments. This however will not make me shy away from the cheeky and entertaining banter you engage in with me Leilani!!!

            I have no doubt in my mind that those drooling fools would not complain when engaging with you in Malibu, of having dinner in San Francisco, or during Limo rides (or any other rides for that matter either!!! Hahahaha πŸ˜†…. oh and there rolls out that innate, crude Aussie humor!!! I can provide buckets full of THAT for you?!! Lol). I did not call them stupid after all…. lmfao!!!

            I would imagine the buckets of drool (or should I should I say fuel?!!) Are piled floor ceiling for you should a torrential storm eventuate and cut you off from all other possible fuel sources!! I believe completely in your exotic allure, beauty, success and wealth. However it would take more than this to garner all the heavenly rich fuel that comes along with me…. beauty is but skin deep after all, is it not??!

          10. Leilani says:

            You are right, I have both. Thank you for your clarification CJ. I appreciate it.

          11. Leilani says:

            Buckets of drool, you are so funny CJ. You make me laugh.

          12. CJ*03 says:

            Oh dammit!! I may have accidently pressed send before I’d finish my reply!!!! Oh well…. nothing I can do about that!!!… the issue however arises in the fact that I can’t remember exactly what I had coveted in my reply and what I hadn’t!!! Lmfao!!!

            I do know that I very much so wanted to point out to you Leilani, that it seems I am not the only on coming back for more??!! Hmmmmm???!! Hahaha

            I’m curious though…. how is the PTSS your Mums fault?? If you wouldn’t mind ever so much, I would like to hear you elaborate more on this??!

            When you say that you wonder if you can just be that space…. what exactly do you mean?? Are you wondering if you can let go and accept the narcissism within you?? And in what ways did you find you would manipulate yourself into reaching success?? I would be curious to hear more on this also??

            Don’t think that it skipped my eyes that you slipped into your reply your mutual enjoyment of pain!!! I am a very observant reader after all!! πŸ˜ƒ

            I regret to say that I have no yet been able to procure some chamomile!! Funds seem to be slighty more scarce than usual at this point in time unfortunately!! But I shall HOPEFULLY be off to grab some over the next few days as i truly am VERY eager to try some!!! I find that its becoming quite the struggle to reacquaint myself with my former “normal” (for lack of better word) sleep patterns. I have spent most of this year taking in far greater quantities of sleep due to certain medication effecting to the degree of becoming the walking dead!! However as that particular medication decreases in my system each fortnight, I have found my previous sleep regime slowly working it’s way back until the last 2 or so weeks where it has returned with a vegengance!! It’s not easy easy return to an average of 3 – 5 hrs of VERY broken sleep!! I must say though, that I am very much so enjoying having my peaceful, ridiculously early mornings back!! 3am is quite a gorgeous time to up and about!!

            But yes, I will be endeavouring to purchase some chamomile ASAP…. hopefully sooner rather than later!!!

            Look forward to hearing from you soon Leilani!! (As hey…. let’s face facts here…. you can’t stay away as much as i cant seem too!!! πŸ˜‰ hahaha).

            Enjoy the rest of what is hopefully a gorgeous day!!

          13. Leilani says:

            Hello CJ, I did not say it was my Mother’s fault. I said it is her “choice” to stay in her Trauma. One can choose to unstuck herself/himself at anytime. I do accept my narcissism. As I wrote in a previous post, I just never labeled it. With regards to “space” is where one can be after emotional (“feelings”) acknowledgement or welcoming, they naturally dissolve (let go). This is where you are in a state of awareness (almost- nirvana stage but not), your low feelings, thoughts, illusions are gone. This is where positive things happen for you. Unlimited to make potentials happen. I stated to you previously with higher emotions to practice daily. Should I say Amen?

          14. CJ*03 says:

            Hello again Leilani…. I do hope that wherever you found yourself jet setting off to this time was enjoyable!! Is it work or pleasure that keeps you flying around?? (This is in reference btw to a more recent post you made with an offer to join you for prawns and a drink Γ nd i suggested we reschedule… just cant seem to find that thread and cant for life of me remember which post its under lmfao!!)…. However, regarding said rescheduling offer….. i never did receive a counter offer from you…. should i assume your not interested in rescheduling that drink after all??! Hahaha!!

          15. Leilani says:

            Salutations CJ. Yes, it is work. Sometimes play, if potent enough. You mentioned “counter offer” Be careful, I am an excellent negotiator. Australian lobster tails are amazing with Dom perignon. How is your “no contact” coming along? Does her fury linger on?

          16. CJ*03 says:

            Well it just so happens I have quite the gift for negotiating myself Leilani!!! Lol.

            I must admit now however….. i dont do Lobster or most seafood!!! Sorry but you might need to switch menu to start with in your negotiations…. lmfao!!!

            Have you been to Oz before then Leilani?? I ask in reference to you saying that you enjoy Aussie Lobster!!? Lol.

            “No contact” goes quite well indeed thank you for asking!!! I actually gave her a deadline (not sure I told u…. sorry if I have and im subjecting you to a story do over!!! Lol πŸ˜‰). She had until 5pm on one Tuesday to contact me to sort out face to face to get it done as she was dragging this sh*t out something shocking and I was/AM SO OVER IT AND HER!!!! Lol!!

            I gave her VERY clear instruction…. 5:01 and im done. If she turned up at my home after this time and uninvited… therefore ever!!…. the authorities would be called!!… sent it to both possible mobiles AND email with explanation saying that she could not pull the “I never recieved your msg” BS now. So covered all bases!! Oh… also that NO excuse would be deemed appropriate for not meeting the deadline either!!

            I knew she wouldnt contact before deadline!! All prepared for that fact hahaha!! Since then, I have had 1 weekend of about 10-15 prank calls on Saturday from a “private” phone number. Then the Sunday it ramped up to 30 plus calls. Umm…… who else would it have been?? …. her stupidity astounds me sometimes tbh!! Lmfao πŸ˜‚

            Since then though, nothing. It’s been 4 weeks today I think?! Maybe 5?! Can’t remember for certain. BUT….. someone told me yesterday that she might have gone running back with her tail between her legs to her ex…. the father of 2 of 3 kids!! Bahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha suckered he is!!! What a pair of fools!!! I find that i kinda am clearly getting a certain amount of satisfaction from the idea she moved back to syd when she only drove to Brisbane with plans to move here all of what??… 8 weeks ago now??! And clearly because I’m not going to be available to her every Beck a call…. she has high tailed it!!! Ahahaha AND…. she has run back to someone she can’t really stand to live in a city she cannot stand possibly LMFAO!!! πŸ˜‚ I think it’s only human of me to see the hilarious side of this and feel slighty satisfied too hahahaha!!!

            So yes…. for now?!…. going wonderfully!! Thank you though Leilani for asking!!!

            If i may ask…. what sort of area/industry do you work in that has you flying across country??

            Anyhow….. ill shall step away for the moment but will keep an eye out where possible for your reply!!

            (Still preoccupied much of the time with a very enticing education i am partaking in currently….. however i shall always endeavour to answer you within perhaps 24hrs at most if i can!!).

            Thanks for the message Leilani and I hope this finds you ready to take on another day soaking up the apparently never ending fool line at your door….. you do have your empty buckets ready for a top up now don’t you???! πŸ˜‰ ahhhh….. precious, glorious, Drool!!…. oops… i mean… ahh… um FUEL!!! hahahahaha πŸ˜‚

            – CJ

          17. Leilani says:

            Of course an extra bucket is always welcome ha ha, you are so funny CJ. Buckets of drool/fuel from fools as you call it. The imagined pictures are in my head. You’ve stated it’s been 5wks on your “no contact” what are you doing to stay in the consistency? Changed your number and email? Or are you working on your “inner self” releasing all wants, needs that are looping over and over again. Nevertheless, you are doing well CJ and thank you for sharing your experience. What do you mean what area and/or industry am I in? Keep up with your No Contact.

          18. Leilani says:

            Maybe I ought to have HG down here for a one time speaker about narcissism. Do you think he’d consider?

          19. HG Tudor says:

            Make me an offer!

          20. Leilani says:

            It would be an amazing grace HG.

          21. CJ*03 says:

            Hahaha. I am sure he would most certainly consider for you Leilani…. you do certainly provide him with buckets of fuel after all!!! Lol.

            I hope you have had a wonderful day!! (Or a wonderful ahead!!!).

    2. Leilani says:

      How much would you charge HG

      1. HG Tudor says:

        For what?

        1. Leilani says:

          What do you mean for what HG? Where have you been?

          1. HG Tudor says:

            You asked me how much do I charge and therefore I asked “for what” meaning I was asking how much do I charge for what? I realise you’d commented about me speaking and I invited you to make me an offer. So in answer to your question about how much I charge it depends on how long you’d want me to speak for. Sometimes fractured conversations are hard to follow owing to the way it comes up in the moderation section at my end.

          2. CJ*03 says:

            Are you sure you were ONLY referring to “speaking” prices??….. or are negation for more on the table here, too???

            Negotiations just happen to be a big point of discussion with Leilani and myself too!!!! Fancy that!!!

            Well Leilani….. what indeed do you have to offer??? 😜 hahahaha

          3. Leilani says:

            I have much to offer CJ.

          4. #CJ7# says:

            Why I am sure you do Leilani!!! Lmfao and seeing tho you do…. i leave opening offers to you!! Lol… dazzle me Leilani!!!! Hahahaha (im sorry i have not got back 2 ur other reply either as i said i would…. has been quite the rough few days!! but, i am on it and should be back in top form momentarily…. i hope!! Lmfao πŸ˜‰).

            I await you offer….. hahaha

          5. Leilani says:

            What offer did you have in mind? Do you not think it’s best to deliver the offer to HG?

            The post on Fuel and it’s comments were remarkable. I must have my colleagues and superiors read it. There must be a pump to deliver it intervenously?

            CJ#7. Is this pertaining to James Bond #7?

          6. #CJ7# says:

            James Bond?? Ahhh nope!!! Im truly not a James Bond fan lmfao!!

            I just felt like I needed to change my “number” for a while and 7 happens to be other fav with 3 lol!!! But may change back yet…. not sure it look right lmfao πŸ˜‰ yes…. thats my obsessive streak poking out hehehe

            SO Leilani…. how have you been?? Oh… when i asked about industry the other day, I was meaning work… what sort of work do you do?? What job do have that has you flying all around the place?? Ohh… have you ever been to OZ?? There is plenty to offer down under in the way of negotiations you know???!!…………………………………………………….. hahahahaha

            Cheers and look forward to your reply lmfao

          7. Leilani says:

            Hi CJ,

            1. “I Not a fan of James Bond”- I Thought you like action?
            2. “It’s one of my excessive streaks”-What are your obsessive streaks?
            3. “How have you been?”-I’ve been busy and all is well, thank you for your thoughtfulness. Drool has been up and down. Trying to stick to alternatives. Not easy.
            4. “What sort of work do you do?”- I can’t say.
            5. “Have you been to OZ?”- Yes, I have been there once.
            Plenty to offer down under I see, how do you mean CJ? Naughty.

            I take that you have been away from your N. She may start to hoover soon. Stay with HG’s commands in No Contact.

          8. #CJ7# says:

            Why hello Leilani!!

            Please do know that I have been unable to get back to you re: negotiating further and answering questions for you!!

            Please do know that I have complete and absolute intentions to reply to you!! However, right now… I am insanely in need of sleep… pretty sure I may have already possibly fallen asleep mid typing this for a brief moment (micro sleep style Bahahaha).

            Anyhow… on that note I better wrap quick smart!!

            I see that drool levels have been up and down for you, you have said…. And that you are trying to stick to alternatives…. Do you mind if ask what these alternatives to drool are that you are trying??? VERY curious to hear more Chicky πŸ™‚ (“old” style smile lmfao).

            Your answers shall be typed and delivered by tomorrow… Hopefully they will also come with a gift wrapped good laugh or at minimum, smile for ya!! hahahaha!! I do enjoy entertaining after all lmfao

            Take care Leilani

          9. #CJ7# says:

            Right Leilani…. I am FINALLY getting back to you lmfao!!!

            ok…. 1) YES!! I certainly do like me some action… was there ever any doubting this Leilani??!! hehehe….. However, James Bond is not quite MY type of action personally…. To start with, he has 1 more appendage than what suits my tastes…. lmfao!!

            2) Obsessive streaks… Where to start??!! lol…. WOMEN!! hahahaha… There is certain routines in my day that i am very obsessive about and if they do not get completed, They will throw off the rest of my entire day!! I am obsessive about Right Leilani…. I am FINALLY getting back to you lmfao!!!

            ok…. 1) YES!! I certainly do like me some action… was there ever any doubting this Leilani??!! hehehe….. However, James Bond is not quite MY type of action personally…. To start with, he has 1 more appendage than what suits my tastes…. lmfao!!

            2) Obsessive streaks… Where to start??!! lol…. WOMEN!! hahahaha… There is certain routines in my day that i am very obsessive about and if they do not get completed, They will throw off the rest of my entire day!!….

            Dammit….something has quickly come up…. So f*n random??!! Anyways… I shall return soon enough with the remaining answers for you….

            1 quick thing however…. I am guessing that you have quite the imagination there yourself Leilani??!! I am sure you could imagine some of what we have to offer down under…. There is certainly much to keep you well satiated!! hahaha

            Get the rest of those answers to you soon lol!!

          10. #CJ7# says:

            Why hello Leilani…. I find I finally have a few moments to give you my undivided attention!!! lol

            So…. where was I up to…..
            3. I am glad to hear that you have been doing well and that drool is never TOO low in supply!! (Let’s face it though… Should drool levels become all but dangerously low…. Surely its not going to take much effort on your part to round up a bunch of new fools to top the drool supply off?? They do all by bow down in worship dont they??…. Hang on…. they may even do this??!! hahahahaha Oh I pity the poor little fools!! LMFAO!!).
            Busy though?? Would this be work related busy or social??… perhaps both?? Well as long as you remember to throw in some down time for yourself… then I suppose that bust is good!! lol.. I know I certainly wish I was far more “busy” than what current circumstance allow me to be!!… TBH… I f*cking hate current circumstances!!!!!! lol.

            4. Cant say?? Ohhh… But now you have got me only all the more curious??!! Don’t tell me that you and James Bond have more in common that I had realized?????? hehehe

            5. Ahhh…. You have been to OZ…. What did you think of our lovey home??!! Did you happen to get quite the same ‘one of a kind’ experience down under that only I surely could provide??? I mean… I am all but a most gracious host and would be surely be able to give you a very unique tour experience after all??!! I know ALL the perfect places to go… All the MOST fun things to do!!! Is my offer sounding enticeing in the slightest yet Leilani??? Are my negotiation skills up to scratch??? hahahaha

            Yes, thats correct too… I have indeed been away from my N for… Ohh.. i just checked and it wasnt as long as i was hoping for sadly…. lmfao!! It was 4 weeks yesterday since her deadline ran up!! I have only had 1 weekend of prank calls from a “private number” since that deadline. There was about 10 -15 on the Saturday??! And then it ramped up to more than 30 on the sunday with it getting to the point from about 3 – 4 in the afternoon onwards to being every 15mins more or less that she would call!! I had my phone on silent all weekend anyway so yea… It didnt bother me in the least!!! lmfao. I thought it was quite the pathetic hoover attempt myself…. I mean really… I would personally be embarressed if that was the game I chose to play!!! Where is the creativity in that hrm??? hahahahaha

            I hope this find you still doing well Leilani!! I look forward to your reply hahaha

          11. Leilani says:

            Hello CJ, you make me laugh. Yes. It is what I meant about the fuel. Alternatives other than fuel but it is a great challenge whatsoever. Although drool and fuel is overwhelmingly around me without effort, It’s a self-challenge to be in neutral in a concise manner. I think I will go skydiving again when time permits.

            Yes, please tell me as to why you are unable to function on your day without the establishment of your own obsessions “women” as you have elaborated. Are you speaking in perspective of the “Sex” act in validation?

            No, I’m not James Bond although I’m in acquaintance with one of them. By the way, Narcs are not so bad. They are gold for the most part and misunerstood. Thank you for your kind words CJ.

          12. #CJ7# says:

            Hello Leilani….

            Please do not take what I said anout narcs as my complete truth. Im sorry for that.

            There was alot more behind my words there. There has been things going on here for me that have caused/are still causing me considerable pain…. to the point i unfortunately resorted to my not so healthy ways of releasing some pain because its all just too much… too intense… too painful… it feels like it is sufforcating me.

            I lashed out when I read that because i didnt like. I meant what I said at the start of it…. that it makes me instantly thing….. Delusional!! But further down… there was alot of venom in my words but it was not my complete truth.

            I am glad to find you still speaking to me after you read that honestly!!! But im glad you are as it has given me the chance to explain. I dont think all N’s are bad.. i really dont!!! I agree…. they are akin to Borderlines in the way of beingseriously misunderstood!!

            I will write you more later on when i can manage to see past this horrendously painful yet at the same time…. seriously numb!!… feeling that has settled over me!!

            I want to be able to give you my full attention and answer you properly!! As ive told you before!!!

            I do however think skydiving would be phenomenal… ive always wanted to go!!!!

          13. Leilani says:

            Of course I’m still speaking or writing to you in this case. I forgive you. No venom in your words. You are as sweet as coconut pineapple ice cream pie. Pain will subside when turmoil is faced head on. By the way, thank you for replying to my questions and I truly appreciate your kind gratitude in “Sense of Loss” post which concluded a very well described mechanism on Borderline. Such remorse and empathy? What are those? Two thumbs up.

            Freefall sky diving is one of my favorite things to do besides jet skiing. A sense of peace and nothingness in control, my control (of course I control everything). You must try sometime.

            Yes CJ, I have packed up jugs and buckets of drool/fuel/fools for the winter. They are safe but I hear them wanting to come out from time to time from them jugs and buckets. Yes sire. Family, friends and the one and only therapists are somewhat trying to stick gps on me but I am way ahead and calculating for their sweetness. Glad to know you are on your way to a brighter day. Time to have me some margaritas on the rocks. Hold the salt please?

          14. #CJ7# says:

            Hello Leilani… i just wanted 2 let u kno that i have left a sorta lengthy comment on the “a aense of loss” entry…. but i address you in it too… hopefully not too long in moderation and then yea… if u wanna check it out??!! Up to you my friend!!!

            And for this reply…. i promise to get to it over the next day or 2 when im starting to cope a little better again and Yea… like ive said… when i can give you the undivided attention your deserving of!!!

            I do hope you recieved my explanation re: the comment about N’s…. i truly dont think ur all bad!!! Honestly!!

            I shall explain to you more about my obsessions and Routines as promised…. however no… no in the way of sex (although….. i sure as hell would not pass up daily sex with a stunning woman!!! I am human after all 😜 hahaha!!!).

            Would you possibly be able to elaborate more in the way of alternative to drool fuel??? What sort of things are considered as an alternative??? (Im guessing skydiving is one lmfao!!!…. oh i really truly would love to skydive hahaha!!! Perhaps you can take me if my trip pans out for early next year??!! Hahaha πŸ˜‰. Whats it like for you… what do you enjoy the most… the free fall?? Or when the chute is open?? How does it all feel??…. sorry for all the questions!!!…. i hope you dont mind?!!! Lol).

            Cheers Leilani…… i look forward to hearing from you soon…. i hope?!! Hahaha πŸ˜†

          15. Leilani says:

            Hello CJ, the mentioned alternatives meant that I am trying to go into different paths of guide other than fuel.

            James Bond wear many different masks. How many different faces are there of “James Bond”?

            Please clarify and describe your utmost feelings on obsessiveness for it will help others acquire a better comprehension.

            Yes, a lot to offer down under? I believe Chris, Luke and Liam (the Hemsworth brothers are from there) or are you speaking about something else? If so, No doubt you are naughty! “Pilot, turn around, going down under!”, CJ exclaimed.

          16. #CJ7# says:

            Hahaha…. well yes….. i believe you are perhaps correct about it being something other that the Hemsworth brothers!!!! Lmfao!!…… While they are quite pretty men πŸ˜‰ lol…. im sorry, but, again, they too have 1 extra appendage than what is preferred to me personally lmfao πŸ˜‰

            May I ask what you mean by going into different paths of guide?? Are you talking about trying to function in a way that does not require fuel and more… i.e. possibly “curing” per se, some of your Narcissism??? I’m just interested is all Leilani πŸ˜†

            Yes…. you are only all to correct about the different James bonds…… however, still, Just doesn’t do it for me!! Hahahaha (note **the extra appendage again!!** bahahaha)
            I don’t mind however, some of his woman!!!! Hehehehe 😜

            When ur asking me to clarify me feeling with obsessiveness…. do you want me to describe what im feeling in the moment when the obsession is playing out?? I just wanted to check before I go waffling on on!!! Lol

            I have not forgotten your other questions… i will get to them asap. Just want to be able to give you and questions the time and attention the your deserving of!!!

            Oh…. under Dr suggestion…. i started a Blog Leilani!! πŸ˜œπŸ€— ONLY IF your interested… id love for you to come have a look… i Avent had chanel to post too much do I very few things so far!! But yea… if your interested, feel free 2 follow my so u get email too!!!:

            Any how……. what did you think of Oz when you last came??

            I gotta run….. places to be… people to see…. Outlook know what I mean!!!

            CJ says with a sigh : “Piolet, back up we go….. down under will have to wait with eager anticipation” πŸ˜‚ hahshaha

          17. #CJ7# says:

            Good day Leilani….

            How are you on this wonderful 1st day of September??

            I did do answers to your questions the other day…. I am hoping that they actually sent however as It appear that my pc has had a little spack attack and decided to malfunction ever so slighty lol.

            anyhow… Just want to let you knwo that I did answer.

            And also to simply drop in and say Good day to you lovely lady!!!

            I hope this finds you happy and well!!
            Cheers, CJ

  4. I become easily bored, as well, and not only do I get irritated that the person can`t seem to figure it out and insists on hanging on, I also find myself irritated that the person got boring in the first place.

    It`s not my fault I became bored – it`s yours for not being more entertaining and able to hold my attention.


    1. yoyo says:

      Yes, it was never your fault. He said I don’t do special things for him, I don’t say good morning to him. I said we lived togethere for 20 years, who does that? I didn’t support him with his latest crazy hobby. but all other 300 hobbies he forgot that I had to put up with him. But I can’t have a hobby.

    2. cjhawkes03 says:

      Hey Blood and Thunder. How are ya doing??
      When you become bored, do you do what HG has said… still keep the person dangling on a string in the background incase you feel like bringing them back for some more fuel?? Or do you cut the cord once bored and thats it… its over and you don’t want to see or hear from that boring person again??

      I’m just curious (and this is addressed to you to HG so please feel free to throw an answer out there too ease πŸ˜‰)… if you have grown tired and bored of someone…. why do you have to keep them attached to that elastic?? Why don’t you cut the cord if they are now just tiresome and boring to you??

      Cheers blood and thunder and HG

      1. HG Tudor says:

        We keep them attached because at some point we want to hoover them because the fuel provided by the hoover is especially good.

      2. In my case, yes, I tend to leave them dangling, but it depends on the person and the reasons for my boredom.

        Haven`t you ever heard that absence makes the heart grow fonder, CJ? Ha ha!

        I get a thrill out of contacting a person again, especially after a lengthy hiatus, and seeing how happy they are to finally hear from me again. I like to see that hope in their eyes that we will rekindle the old flame or pick up where we left off.

        Sometimes we do, but it`s never for very long because soon I am reminded of why I cut the cord in the first place and am on to new, more exciting endeavours.

        1. nikitalondon says:

          Hi BT
          Seems you dont have much theory to learn here…

        2. cjhawkes03 says:

          Must admit B&T that when I read your comment about absence makes the heart grow fonder.. I did have a laugh lol… and yes… i do believe i have heard this lol!!

          What if you go back and don’t get that spark from them anymore… that look of hope in their eyes… what if they are truely done with you after them being the ones to institute no contact??!

          To both you B&T AND HG… is there EVER a time when we will be free??! (Im assuming not from what I’ve of HG so far however I figure there’s no harm in asking!! πŸ˜†). Is ever something that we can do to ensure our freedom and that the cord is permanently cut from you??! Thanks for both you time!!

          1. HG Tudor says:

            Freedom is a matter of perception. In our minds you are never free because we will always look to hoover you. You however can achieve freedom through the implementation of the various techniques I have advocated, maintaining your defences and advancing your understanding. We always regard there as being an opportunity to draw you back in or lash out at you for some negative fuel, thus in that sense we do not regard you as ever being able to be free, however, if we never get that opportunity then it might be said that you have achieved freedom.

      3. Nikita – And your point is?

        If you abhor me and my observations, opinions and answers so much, why do you communicate with me?

      4. HG hit the nail on the head, of course.

        There is one person in my life who is going No Contact with me right now and to date, he`s the longest No Contact I`ve ever experienced. I`ve managed to suck him back in (no pun intended ;)) numerous times in the past, but this time, he`s sticking to his little guns. Stubborn one, he is.

        It has been my experience that people need to work extremely hard to resist or keep away from me – most especially the men.

        In this instance, if the No Contact keeps up, one of two things will happen. I`ll launch an offensive and start messing with him in a not-very-nice-way or the boredom will be too much to bear and I`ll just go play with my other toys…..for now.

        Rest assured, I will come back to him. Again and again. Could be a month from now, could be a year from now. Even if he stays no contact, knowing the emotions that will arise in him upon seeing my name in his inbox or hearing my voice on a message……

        1. cjhawkes03 says:

          Thanks B&T for that insight…. its fantastic knowledge and insight for me to get a glimpse of and I appriciate you sharing it with me!!!

          What sort of things would your your not very nice offensive entail?? What lengths would you go to in order to suck him back in??

      5. The not-so-nice would be slandering his good name to his current girlfriend, whom I will befriend; his circle of friends; his family, etc.

        I will do little covert things to drive him crazy. Just enough to make him wonder if it’s me doing it, but he’ll second guess that it’s me because he’ll think I’d never put that much time and effort into messing with him. Then he’ll wonder who it is and so on and so on….

        1. cjhawkes03 says:

          Does this ever becoming boring to you?? And what if he was to still continue to show you no form of emotional response or reaction and to continue no contact?? If he had already prepaired his g/f for potential malicious ways of yours so as soon as she heard from you or say you… she to would know to ignor and walk away.
          Would you still not give up??!

          How much of your own time and energy are you (and HG too), going to expell on attempting to play games with someone instituting no contact like a boss with you?? It just seems like such a long way to go and such a huge amount of your own time and effort to try attempt to drive another to the brink of insanity almost?? Is it like some sort of internal driving need almost that you feel you MUST do this?? Would it been seen by you as even more of a challenge and a game as such if he did, despite the things you have written above, he still managed to effectively keep no contact going with no emotional response to you whatsoever?? Or would it possibly be considered like a trigger to rage for you almost??

          (Sorry both B&T & HG for all the Q’s… im just trying to really understand is all!!! I really do appriciate you both taking the time to answer me anytime that you do!!).

          1. HG Tudor says:

            If someone is staying out of the spheres of influence and then there is no way of contacting them after efforts have been made to do so then I would move on with other fuel sources. A note is always made to look in on this so far evasive individual at a later date however. The extent of the effort also depends on timing. If the subject has discarded me (the audacity!) and I have no new primary source available I am thrown into chaos mode and every resource will be used to suck the escaping subject back in, using supplementary sources of fuel to power the endeavour. I this is not working and fuel is getting dangerously low across the board I would break off and replenish fuel, seek a new primary source and focus efforts there.
            If I discarded the individual (no we are talking more realistically for me!) and they resist a follow=up hoover I will apply quite a lot of effort as it is likely I am being fuelled by a new primary source and supplementary sources will also be high. This will sustain the application of repeated efforts to hoover (even shifting to a malign approach if need be). This means getting lieutenants to find a way through, using private detectives to locate numbers and addresses, organising tails on the subject and so forth. It is quite exciting having somebody try to be evasive so long as my fuel levels remain high from other sources.
            One evaluates. What are the current fuel levels, how difficult will the subject be to hoover, how good will the prospective gain be.

          2. cjhawkes03 says:

            Yes indeed HG… the audacity of anybody to go discard you!! How dare they!! Lol… i had to laugh a little when I read that… and then your follow up of now we’re talking lmfao!! Oh HG… what would I have done if i hadn’t stumbled upon your blog!! It truly is a great source of entertainment (and knowledge ofcourse too) right now!!! Lol

            Those are some very full on extremes to go to just to locate and keep tabs on a source of fuel for you!! Why is it so important that you keep tabs on these sources when you can easily go out and find new appliances??! Is it that challenge that you expressed your wee bit of giddiness over??! Lol. Or does that come back to your in ate need for control??

            This is all very interesting HG!! I appriciate it greatly!!

            Oh and i still plan to get back to your other reply yet… im not long off waking only about a half hour ago at 3.30am here lol!!

          3. HG Tudor says:

            The lure of the hoover fuel and the importance of maintaining that omnipotence.

        2. cjhawkes03 says:

          I do really like how you have said that he would second guess that its you as he would think there is no way you would dedicate that much time and effort into messing with him!!… thats how i felt (past tense now lol πŸ˜‰) about L!!

      6. I wanted to add I don`t usually have trouble sucking them back in. I wonder if it does indeed have something to do with the sucking…..(HG, you`ll likely need to spank my bottom for being such a dirty girl!).

        This is the longest No Contact I`ve ever experienced and thus far, my usual tactics haven`t been working.

        I hope I don`t have to turn things up a notch. For his sake.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Sounds like you need to attend Hoover Class B&T. See me after school.

          1. Not necessarily that kind of sucking, HG. I don`t need lessons for the type of sucking I`m extremely good at it, though I could probably give some!

          2. cjhawkes03 says:

            I’m going to hazard a guess B&T that I would be more likely than you to be able to teach HG something new and useful in regards to where your mind is at present… and it wouldn’t quite fall under lessons on “sucking” as such…. lol πŸ˜‰

        2. cjhawkes03 says:

          I’m just so curious… i wonder if with the knowledge I have so far, if i could resist the lure if you threw it out to me B&T… no that im assuming you sleep with women… lmfao!! I mean it in a general sense… as in, would I be able to resist someone akin to an N like yourself, then a lower level, middle level and higher N also?? I doubt id be able to tango with a higher N yet… not even close lol!!! But yes… now that im recognising the behaviours and learning so much… could I resist it. (I guess I’ll be finding out soon as the Ex arrived back in my home town yesterday sometime so im sure the fun and games will begin soon!!! Oh and she not only arrived back in Brisbane… which might i add… is quiet a large place!!! She also decided to stay at her mates place 5 minutes from my house!! Oh joy… lol!!! Oh well… nothing I can do about that and im not going live a life of ducking and hiding etc. Not happening. I am glad that we don’t have even remotely similar friendship circles here in Brisbane!!).

      7. Oh but I am interested in women too, CJ, so isn’t it your lucky day.

        I would love to try with you but now you know some of my tricks so it might not be as effective now clearly. But if you didn’t know me I can bet you’d find it quite difficult to resist me and you’d find it hard to stay away from me.

        But I wouldn’t hurt you, CJ…..I like you too much.

        1. cjhawkes03 says:

          Ahhh…. as much I am have gotten a smile from your compliment B&T…. I also don’t know if I can trust your words when you say you wouldn’t like to hurt me… How do I know Its not a ploy to lure me into your seductive web??!! LMFAO

          Ohhh B&T… The fun and games I am sure we could have hahaha *winks your way* lmfao

        2. cjhawkes03 says:

          I’m also feeling very glad that its my lucky day B&T πŸ˜‰πŸ˜† LMFAO

      8. I only want lessons if I can be teachers pet. I promise I’m a very very quick learner and you won’t be disappointed HG.

      9. Haha perhaps lucky that I won’t get to play a hand with you…..

        Seriously though if I can be of any assistance to you, do let me know. I certainly admire your journey toward healing and your efforts to rid yourself of the nightmare.

        1. cjhawkes03 says:

          Lmfao… very entertaining hahaha!!

          Thank you very much B&T… i truly appriciate it!! I am sure i will most certainly have many more questions for you in time to come!!! I truly do gain so much valuable knowledge and insight from your answers and sharing with me!!!

          I appriciate immensly the good laugh this morning of all days too hey…. couldnt have come on a better morning honestly so yes…. THANKYOU lovely chicky.

          You have a good day or night (depending where in the world this finds you πŸ˜‰)
          – Courtney

      10. I am glad you had a good laugh, CJ.

        I have no desire to hurt you as 1. you haven`t given me one and 2. it would appear there is a great distance between us so the likelihood I would feel the need to cause you any sort of great harm now or in the future is pretty much slim to none.

        I love a challenge and I`d love to play with you, CJ, but it would be all in good fun since ours is an Internet acquaintance.

        If we were to meet face-to-face, you probably wouldn`t stand a chance, even knowing what you know, because as I already stated, I am not a narcissist. I am a different creature altogether.

        1. cjhawkes03 says:

          Your very right it what you wrote at the end there…. i likely wouldn’t stand a chance as yes… you are a whole new creature of a different kind (another reason I enjoy and value your input and answers to my Q’s!!) And then also the fact that im am human after all and I am a suckered from nice looking woman who is not just attractive… but also intelligent and can match wits and intellect with me and it seems to me, B&T, that while I do not know what your physical appearance is… i would likely be attracted to the fact that yes… im fairly certain you go a few rounds in the wit and intellect department with me lmfao!! ( Oh and if you have a big, stunning smile…. then yep…. id be F@#KED!!! LMFAO πŸ˜‰… I am all too aware of my weaknesses when it comes to the female body and mind lmfao!!).

          But i do appriciate that you feel no need to hurt me lol. If you did then I’d be quite concerned about what i had done to warrant such animosity etc lol!!

          I have no idea where in the world you are B&T therefore I cannot comment on the distance aspect however I trust your word in that regard!!… curiosity is peaked however as to where about (country wise… no specifics more than that ofcourse lol) you may be located??! I’m hazard ingredients a guess as to say your somewhere in the vicinity of USA/Canada??! Lol

          Thank you once again for helping to kick my day off yesterday in such a fun and positive way…. feeling like I’m in need of that spark again this morning but im sure i can soldier on lol πŸ˜‰

          The ex N in my life has done her move back and is currently staying all of 5mins max away from my house… so yea… not feeling crash hot at the moment!! Kinda feel like I’m entangled in a life size chess game lol!! She attempted her easy hoover yesterday which was the one I was expecting… do you want to come and see E… (her son that she knows i love and adore!!), id love for you to see how big he has gotten and im sure he would love to see his favourite Aunty Courtney!!”. So yea… i knew that one would be her 1st go to in one way or another!!! So pat on the back Courtz for being prepaired for round 1 lmfao!!!

          If it ends up coming down to a game of intellect… (as bad as this might sound and possibly arrogant… it is however the truth so I only state it as fact)…. i am smarter than her. I am much more book smart, street smart, and my knowledge base is very wide. So i am sure I can out with her in that sense no dramas!!
          But she isn’t going to play the intellect game im guessing as that’s not what this is about for her… its the emotional game for her!! Do yea… just stay alert i guess for now!!

      11. Thank you for your kind words, CJ.

        I do in fact have a very bright and brilliant smile in addition to piercing green eyes and other fine attributes. It is true that the attributes alone would be difficult to resist.

        If we were face to face, even knowing I am a creature of of a different sort would do little to keep you away from me.

        I wish you success in your endeavors with the narc you are trying to distance yourself from. You seem strong in your convictions and I am ever hopeful that you can stay strong and resist her attempts to lure you back in. You can do this, I know you can.

        1. cjhawkes03 says:

          Well B&T… considering the fact that you do indeed have a very big, bright and brilliant smile coupled with piercing green eyes along with other quite nice attributes…… i may as well just get down on my knees and bow down to you now!!! (**In a puddle of my own drool after looking at you gobsmacked unable to speak ahahaha**) Lmfao. I am only human after all and your sounding more and more just like the type that physically, alone, could bring me to knees lmfao!!! I have no doubt at all that even knowing that yes… you are a unique creature in your own right…. i would be blinded by you to that fact in a very short amount of time lol!!! I would play confident and smile at you and just keep thinking… you got this Courtz… but yea… id totally be lying to myself because I do not doubt your ability to lure me in!!! However in saying that… i do believe that once lured in… i would provide you with a very unique challenge in the relationship (regardless of the type of relationship… liver, friendship etc) as i too am a creature of a different sort. I fall into the Borderline category but as all BPD individuals are unique in their own right… i present different challenges than to people that the average empath walking around lmfao!!! Oh the fun and games… i can only imagine!!! Bahahahahaha

          Your much fun B&T… i do enjoy talking with you immensly (not just for the fun!!! Lol. But for the information you share with me too!!)

          Thank you very much for your well wishes and your belief in me!! It truly does help me and inspire me and help to empower me even more so!! It’s a difficult process at the moment with her living all of 5mins drive max from my house. So i am sure she would be well aware of the fact that she has got me on edge and that im fight or flight, hyper vigilant mode from the time I wake till the time I fall asleep!! And then im not getting much sleep either TBH. Her name seems to posing up EVERYwhere right now including in HG’S book, Manipulated lol. But as HG said… its not that it’s popping up any more than it probably usually does… its just that I am so hyper vigilant right now… in the same way her model and colour of car seem to be popping up more than usual.

          I HATE that she still has this sort of effect on me… it pisses me off to no end!! However she is not going to get the pleasure of seeing or hearing me like this!!! All she is going to get when we do this damn face to face that she is forcing on me… is cool, calm, collected, polite, but emotionally devoid. I plan on giving her no emotion if possible… flat monotone almost which will be extremely difficult for me as i am quite the active speaker lmfao!!! Im also going to scope out a spot today at The Coffee Shop for a possible place to do the meet. It’s public but hopefully it can be a time of day that we can also be afforded a certain amount of privacy too! It gives me an easy escape point as i am fairly sure there is only the 1 way in and out. And being a public arena… im hoping that will force her to play nice to a degree as she won’t want to make a scene!!!

          What do you think about that idea?? Any suggestions in general you can give me about any of this B&T?? I really do take on board everything you say as i value what you have to offer me in the way of your knowledge and your own personal experiences being the unique creature you are!!!

          Thanks in advance B&T…. i look forward to your reply!!! BTW… funny you should say that you have a big smile with piercing green eyes…. my new tattoo thats almost finished is of a female but we change her face from the original picture (which you can find if you do a googly image search of tomb raider 2015…. find a picture of her standing looking tall and strong and proud with her bow in one hand and a pick/climbing axe thing in the other hand). We have kept her body basically but changed weapons to 2 spartan swords and changed her face as i dont like the face on that pic… its to masculine and the nose looks like a boxers nose!!! So we have given her a more feminine face with nice big luscious lips and yea… piercing green eyes with choc brown hair that instead of being pulled back and flying of in the wind behind her like it is in Google pic… we have her nice choc brown hair falling down around her face to just below her shoulders!! She is pretty bloody hot lol!! And thats sorta what im picturing when I think of what you may look like lmfao πŸ˜‰πŸ˜†πŸ˜Š

      12. Hello again, CJ. Funny you should mention tattoos and drawings. A friend of mine draws for DC Comics and he drew me as a superhero. He called me Supernova and said it is because I am brilliantly beautiful and mesmerizing but destructive and chaotic and dangerous at the same time. I, of course, took that as a compliment. πŸ™‚

        I agree it would be fun to see how we would get on with each other, especially with you being a borderline. In fact, I have read much literature that suggests that your kind and my kind might have quite a bit of fun together.

        Of course, one area where you borderlines differ from creatures like me is in your ability to shed one skin after another. For creatures like me, the mirror is always pointed at ourselves. For those of your kind, the mirror is always pointed at others, thus allowing those around you to see exactly what they want to see.

        We would certainly have a lot of fun together and I am certain our relationship would be passionate. But it might not end well, because your tendency to mould yourself to another`s ideal would probably not work with me, since my ideal changes like the wind and I become bored so very easily and require attention and stimulation the way others require food and water.

        HG`s advice is invaluable and I know you will use the tips, tricks and advice he has provided here and in his books to serve you well during your meeting. That doesn`t mean it will be easy, but at least you aren`t walking in blind. It sounds like you have a plan and as long as you stick to it, you should be okay.

        I don`t know this woman, but if you think meeting in a public place will keep her on her best behavior then most definitely do that.

        If your end goal is to be free of her hold on you, keep that in your mind and move forward with your plans. I have faith you can do this, especially with the wealth of info HG has provided to you.

        1. cjhawkes03 says:

          That would be a fantastic drawing to see… the comic your friend did!! And of course you took it as compliment!! Lmfao πŸ˜‰

          Yes… you are certainly right in what you said about the differences with me as a Borderline and your kind. We do shed our skins after each person has come in and out of our life… the mirror forever pointing outwards as you said!! (I REALLY like the way you have written that by the way!! Excellent analogy!!!! Lol). This is not to say we are not being genuine and authentic with each and every person that comes along when we mould ourselves to the liking of the next person on the pedestal… because we are!! We don’t know who our true self is!! So when we inevitably get “abandoned”, we are left in a world of chaos and deep, intense pain… 1) because obviously we have become quite addicted to the person on the pedestal and the idea of the having left us is terrifying as well as heart shattering…And 2) because we are left empty in a way… because we have been living as the ideal mould of the person that was on the pedestal, it’s like our identity is almost stripped from us and we are left not knowing who we are anymore. This is the state i found myself in many a time including from the start of this year when the N in my life did her round of abandonment. This time however… i am keeping everybody at arms length. I’m desperate not to repeat that cycle again so I am in therapy weekly trying to rebuild my true self for the first time from scratch as such. I am trying very hard to work out who the real Courtney is. This is no easy feat… especially with L back in town trying to lure me back into her web!!

          I do agree with you when you say you are certain our relationship would surely be a passionate one. And no doubt for a time there quite alot of fun!!! It would probably be a whirlwind too!! But your very correct in saying that it wouldn’t end well!! Because of my tendency to become addicted to people, and to mould to your ideal… and then yes, with your ideal ever changing like the wind… i dare say it would end very painfully for me when you would inevitably pick up and leave without a word!! I would end up heartbroken likely to be honest as that’s the pattern of my life. 1 heartbreak after the next. I put EVERYTHING I have of myself into every single one of these relationships. Even the ones that have only been considered a “friendship”…. despite the fact that these friendship are awfully intimate for a friendship?!! including inevitably ending up in bed with each of these people despite their claim of being “straight”. But yes… because I put everything I have into them… i end up heartbroken when they leave.

          I will most definately use HG’S words of wisdom. All his advice and tips and tricks to keep her at arm length during our meeting. And as you said… i have a plan of sorts so I just have to stick to it!! But also as you have said… its not going to be easy at all!! I am actually quite terrified of being lured back in!! But yes…just make sure I keep HG’S words in mind… any little mantras i have come across also. And then also keep the facts in mind that prove she doesn’t care… e.g. leaving me to sleep in my car and spend xmas day in my car parked in the middle of no where!! Leaving me without a word and driving me to the point of insanity where I end up in psych unit and still no word… not to me, or to anyone else to enquire about my status etc. So no… she clearly does not give a f@$k!!

          I definately think a public place will keep her on best behaviour!!

          Thank you B&T for your faith in my ability to free myself of her. The strength and resolve i take from reading those words help me a great deal more than i can say. So yes… my deepest gratitude to you. And yes… with the wealth of info HG provides for me… the more i read and learn, i grow more and more (on small wee little steps more…), confident in myself and ability to do this!!

          Cheers B&T and have a wonderful arvo/evening!! (Just hazardous a guess as to say that you are heading into your afternoon or evening!! LolπŸ˜‰πŸ˜†)

          1. I would quite enjoy the being addicted part. I would want to be the centre of your world and you would be the centre of mine….until you weren`t anymore.

            I would also have a hard time with some of the grand emotions that borderlines are capable of producing. I simply don`t understand and that would frustrate you if you needed me for anything more than passion, adoration and fun.

            I will see if I can find the drawing. I know I have it at home somewhere. πŸ™‚

            Did you know that I lick my lips in anticipation of reading your lovely comments, CJ. I find your words, at least the ones that involve me, to be quite delicious and easy to swallow.

            Stay strong, love, and kick that bitch to the curb where she belongs.

          2. cjhawkes03 says:

            Hahahaha… i quite like the idea of you licking your beautiful luscious lips in anticipation of my words hahaha…. oh dear… the mental image… naughty!!! ….slap across the wrist for me!!! Hahahaha

            I would LOVE to see the drawing if you can manage to find it…. i think it would awesome!! Maybe it can inspire my next tattoo??!! i am in the throws of looking for another woman tattoo for down the side of my opposite leg so I have one on each side hahaha!!!

            I can garuntee that you would definately be the centre of my world. Everything in my life would revolve around you and pleasing you and seeing you happy. I am fierce in the way of protecting those on the pedestal. I will generally go to great lengths to make sure they are happy. I would spoil you endlessly with gifts here there and everywhere and basically…. i would just flat dorship more or less lmfao!! And the idea that I too would be the centre of your world… well that’s where you immediately have got me sacked in and trapped because I crave that!! I crave being the centre of someone else’s world as they are the centre of mine!!! But yes… there in lie the problem…. the “until you weren’t anymore”!!

            And yes… i do have very extreme, intense emotions that I would probably attempt to come to you with until I realised you couldn’t truly be there for me in that regard which creates a tear within me…. i want to desperately stay for the adoration, the passion, the fun, the love I would be fooled into believing you feel… i would not want you leave that for anything as it makes me insainly happy!!! However i need someone who can emotionally be there for me also when push comes to shove and all the other emotions i have surface eventually and you can’t understand them!!. However… because I know myself so bloody well…. i would end up convincing myself that its completely okay that you cannot understand these feeling and i accept that as i just dont want you to leave me. My love is strong, fierce, loyal, passionate, and when I am blinded by it… the things i will accept from someone are vast… including your inability to understand my others emotions. I would find another source emotional outlet… thats what I had each time ive had L in my life too. And much to her disliking… she accepted it because yes… i also meant she didn’t have to deal with them!!! Lol.

            I love that B&T… kick the bitch to the curb where she belongs…. i think that has undoubtedly become my number 1 mantra to myself as of now!!! Lmfao πŸ˜‰. I will continue to remain strong…. infact im not even letting her do this face to face until at minimum… Friday this week!! Just do I have a few more days to build my strength so I can do exactly as you have said… kick her ass to the curb where it belongs!!! X

          3. I like you, CJ. I really, really like you.

          4. cjhawkes03 says:

            Why thank you B&T…. i too really like you πŸ˜†

          5. cjhawkes03 says:

            By the B&T…. out of curiosity…. what colour is you hair??! πŸ˜‰

          6. cjhawkes03 says:

            Oh…. i had another question for you B&T….. how alike are you in looks to the drawing your friend from DC Comics did for you?? Did he get your physical appearance somewhat similar to his Supanova??! Curiosity is very much so piqued hehehehe πŸ˜‰

            With my next tattoo… the idea that ive got in mind is that currently… i have got my warrior/Goddess woman down my left lower leg on the side. Finishing her VERY soon (i CANT WAIT!!!! LOL). However she is the representation of the strength, determination and resilience inside of me. She is the “slayer of all evil” as such.

            So down my opposite side… my right, outer lower leg… im thinking of getting my representation of the temptation to lure me back to my darkness…. back to the world of pain and torment (after all the fun is over tho ofcourse lmfao πŸ˜‰). And to represent that darkness and pain… i would like to get a “seductress”…. a sexy temptation in the embodiment of a women with these features I have happened to have mentioned already that drive we wild with wanting… with craving… with desire. A temptress of all things dangerous to me as such!!! Lol.

            I think that would be an awesome idea… almost alike to the idea of having an angel and a devil sitting on opposite shoulders!! We have my lure to depravity in a way, on my right side… then my strength and resilience to defeat that darkness on my left!!! Lol

            Thoughts B&T???!! Hahahaha πŸ˜‰

          7. My hair is long (reaches the small of my back) and light brown, though more blonde at the moment since it`s summer and the sun tends to lighten my hair naturally.

            It sounds to me like maybe, just maybe, you`d like to base your temptress tattoo on the drawing done of me. Which, I must say, I would absolutely adore!!!!

            He pretty much nailed it – anyone I`ve showed it has said it is absolutely me.

            I looked for it last night but I still can`t find it. I have some other boxes to check though and will send it to you as soon as I can.

            I find tattoos incredibly sexy, especially when they are well done by a talented artist.

          8. cjhawkes03 says:

            Well i am very impressed with my new tattoo artist…. this is the 1st tattoo ive had him do and its by far my most detailed… my good side chick!!!

            To soothe curious minds….. as for basing my tattoo on you…. you MIGHT be correct πŸ˜† lmfao!! Wait and see… A… how good of a drawer he is lmfao πŸ˜†!!! And b… if you live up the image in my mind…. and by Christ i hope you do hahahaha πŸ˜‰ ohhhh damn B&T… you seem to have caught me in quite the….. “playful” mood once again!!! Bahahahaha and i am wanting to roll over a go to sleep soon!!! 😜 however yes… i am very heavily considering it… however change in clothes!! But the problem is…. my tattooist is not a great portrait artist which is fine for my good girl. (Don’t get me wrong… he has actually done a phenomenal job coz he can draw faces… however the level of accuracy ill be looking for in my bad girl will be different given the aesthetically pleasing features I am going be wanting on her!!! Thus… turning to someone… like oh say…. i dont know…. someone who sounds like my idea of one hell of an aesthetically pleasing seductress who happens to come with a drawing done by her artist friend that spot on represents those exact features I find speech stopping and drool worthy??! Ahahahaha πŸ˜†

            I am not adverse to the idea that you find tattoos sexy…. why not at all given that my good warrior/Goddess is my 9th!!! Hahaha lol Nor am I opposed to long hair AT ALL!! You do know what long hair is good for don’t you B&T??? I will give you a hint….. if you say for putting up hair….. then our minds are in two VERY DIFFERENT PLACES!!!! Bahahahaha πŸ˜‰

            I eagerly await your drawing B&T!!!

          9. You will always be in a playful mood when you speak to me, CJ, because that is what I bring out in you.

            You are a delicious provider of compliments and accolades and you can bet that if we were in the same room together, I`d reward you very handsomely for your admiration.

            Long hair is best for wrapping around a fist and pulling in a fit of depraved passion, CJ. Every bad girl knows that (and the good girls, well you can always teach them).

            I would like to trace the beautiful drawings on your skin with the tips of my fingers and see how long it takes for you to lose control.

          10. cjhawkes03 says:

            ….. i think i could loose control almost just thinking about your hands running over me hahaha!!! Damn B&T…. just thinking of your fingers tracing the drawings on my skin…the feeling… the idea of attempting to maintain all composure and exercise all my control when i promise thats not what id be feeling like doing… well… i dont think i can write anymore on here as it is definately starting to cross over into a “private” conversation for just yourself and I!!! Hahaha!!! Oh yes there are DEFINATELY things i would say that cross all kinds of boundaries or are far from “appropriate” for everybody else’s eyes to read on here!!! However i do believe they Warrent further discussion in a more private area B&T!!! Hehehe πŸ˜†

            Oh I do very much so like the idea of being rewarded handsomely for treating you nothing short of the Goddess that I would likely see you as B&T if we were in the same room together!!! I daresay you have not felt the level of admiration that i would rain down you!! I do very much so hope that we have the same ideas forming as to exactly what constitutes a “reward” hahahaha πŸ˜‰….. i think you might just be all kinds of bad for me already B&T – however … thats so bad in such a deliciously good way lmfao

            Why I must say…. i love the wording you have used here in regards to long hair… pulling in a fit of depraved passion…. thats the perfect description of the thoughts that came to my mind the second I read your description of your lovely long hair!!!

            I do not doubt at all that your very correct also in saying that I would always be in a playful mood when talking to you B&T…. the proof is in my waking this morning when I almost instantly rolled over and grabbed my phone waking…. a wee bit giddy with the anticipation of recieving a msg from you… and upon reading the message awaiting me, I have instantly been spurred into my more playful side coming flying to the surface!!…. oh how I would really like to play B&T!!! Ahahahaha 😜😜😜

            You just become more and more the embodiment of my fantasy when i read each of your awaiting messages B&T…. true to all your warnings… i have no doubt in your ability to bring me to my knees infront of you!!! None at all….. lmfao πŸ˜†

  5. Yo says:

    It s exactly how it s happening..
    Very precise description

  6. 1jaded1 says:

    Until we do…

  7. nikitalondon says:

    I heard many times stories in this direction when groups of men get together. I used to hear this in Uni sometimes, or working colleagues or im general when people are not married this seems to happen. Its very sad 😒. Great description HG 😍

  8. bethany7337 says:

    Yes I will. And not only that- do you know how boring idealize, devalue and discard is as a way of being?

  9. Rose says:

    The funny thing is, is that you create that clinginess in the first place. You purposely create the addiction and then become bored of it. In a sense, ADHD almost. We are never ready to let go when you are. This post was very interesting HG. Seems as though you are really processing things these days.

    1. yoyo says:

      I am glad I found this site. It has been a year since he left. I kept scratching my head. He kept himself busy with many interests not to mention being friends with his ex GFS and female friends at work. when confronted of his behavior, he gets upset and accused me of being selfish and insecure. He would make rude comments for little things I would say or do even in public. I ignored them until our daughter noticed his behavior. She would tell her father that he was very disrespectful to me and he shld not be treating me like that. He would make comments about my weight even I only gained a little weight. My daughter continued to protect me until he discarded both of us. He blamed me and daughter for his unhappiness. He moved in with a coworker immediately . she was a sucker for his sob stories. He lost primary child custody and accused me of child alienation. He said he had 2 women in the house who disrespected him. I thought at first he had some adhd problem but when he filed for divorce and admitted that he had a GF and started blaming me for all unfortunate things that happened to our marriage, finances etc. He returned all luxury cars without my permission , I had to hire a lawyer and he was so upset when he found out and continued to assassinate my character. I am still hurting but getting stronger every day.

  10. Lisa says:

    HG, I always felt this with my N. Of course I didn’t know he was a N. He actually told me he found it impossible to sustain the high feeling . I thought he meant when the initial chase was over . He also used to say , that he never felt anything until after they were gone , what are your thoughts on that ? I guess no one is ever connecting to any emotions ….. I would always start to feel his indifference and then I would end it . I never really had the discard as such . Although you are discarded because they don’t try to keep you . This has been the cycle a few times now . I didn’t know he was a N. When I felt this starting again this time , I ended it even though he was saying he would try to make more effort lol those words were enough for me , to think thanks but no thanks !!! I wish I’d known all of this when I kept going through this with him . It’s strange because when you find out they are a N , it should just be a relief , as there really is nothing personal about it . Do you think the comments about always only feeling something when they are gone , is more gaslighting ? I guess it could be missing N fuel but if your replaced , don’t see how ?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      “never felt anything until after they were gone.” – admission of lost fuel, attempt to elicit sympathy from you as the listener for more fuel.

      1. Lisa says:

        HG , thanks for reply , so yes makes sense loss of fuel BUT new fuel is lined up , so how can they miss fuel ? And if they miss YOUR fuel ? Why it is stale compared to new fuel ? Also listening fuel is there really such a thing ? Can the word fuel be changed to attention ?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Fuel is emotionally charged attention. Attention in itself is not enough. If you just looked at me in a neutral manner that would not give me fuel.
          One can bemoan the loss of an excellent source of fuel even with a new one lined up and moreover it is done by reason to get more fuel from the new supply.
          The fuel is stale compared to the new fuel because you let us down and did not do what was needed to keep it fresh, potent and at the required level whereas the new source of fuel is shiny, new, fresh and potent.

          1. Lisa says:

            HG, seriously just reading about your response about fuel is mentally exhausting . I’m absolutely amazed and Narcissist is employed as the fact that you are a Narcissist or a Narc/Borderline which I believe mine is , that really is a full time job in its self . I find it hard to believe it is not mentally exhausting, keeping up with all this so called fuel. Even you must admit it’s absolute nonsense . When having a good job , friends , health , a woman that loves you . Do you not think sometimes this is all just ridiculous?? Do you ever have those thoughts , somewhere deep down , deep deep deep down . It’s bloody exhausting just reading it . Is all this theatricals to replace the lack of emotions ? Is is to fill the empty void ? And I still don’t believe your logic does not know that you have lost good women and I still don’t believe that you think they let you down , your logic knows , that is a lie ?

          2. HG Tudor says:

            There’s no borderline here believe me. Why would I think that the very thing which allows me to exist is ridiculous? I understand why you may think that when viewed from your perspective Lisa. It is not theatricals because to us it is real and necessary, but viewed from your stance, yes it is an act which has to be done to gain fuel. They did let me down. I know that full well. Yes, I recognise that many of them had good traits but they all let me down, if they did not, why then did what happened happen?

    2. cjhawkes03 says:

      Hi Lisa….

      I was just reading one of your comments and i noticed that you wrote Narc/Borderline…. i am completely with HG on that one…. definately not Borderline!!

      Borderline’s do not behave this way. Borderline’s actually put people up on a pedestal perse and once someone is up there… there is NO becoming bored or tiresome of them as they become a borderline’s addiction basically… the Borderline idolizes them!!! They end up being put in a no win position where the borderline see’s them as this perfect being incapable of messing up etc… however its no win because hey… we are all only human and nobody is perfect (oh…. except you, our almighty leader, HG!!! πŸ˜‰ lmfao!!)… and yes… as a human, we are all going to eventually screw up somehow thus destroying the borderline’s perfect perception of their idol!! But still… despite this perception being distorted, the borderline STILL will not grow tiresome or bored!

      – CJ

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