Tears – Part 2

 

Having ascertained that the commission of tears arising from physical and/or emotional hurt resulted in a sympathetic reaction from certain people, I committed this to memory. I have rarely encountered much physical pain, enjoying good health and my profession being one where one is at most at risk of a paper cut rather than an errant chainsaw, collapsing ceiling or chemical ingestion. The early conditioning that I have been subjected to, as I know understand, appears to have resulted in me being impervious to many emotional injuries that others suffer from. Even the horrendous sensations which arise from my wounding as a consequence of criticism does not cause the tears to fall. Instead, I must focus on repairing the wound through retreat or the instigation of fury in order to gather fuel. The attention this requires means that I do not suffer the immediate reaction of becoming upset. I must feign upset in order to attract the required sympathy and in doing so I use that issued sympathy in order to bring about the control I require over the subject.

My tuition in the art and use of crying later embraced a different catalyst and one which has served to drive me ever onwards and upwards. I have many gifts and of those the one that was cherished most by my father was my academic ability. As I have mentioned beforehand, he was a very intelligent man, well-read and with an interest in the world at large, something which be bestowed on all his offspring. This served him well in both his careers of commerce and then academia. His was the steady hand at the tiller of our academic progress and he sought to steer a path through the choppy waters of my mother’s ambitions for us, our own desires and what he felt would serve us best. The three, as might you expect, were not always compatible.

I excelled at school which naturally resulted in my progression to sixth form college and I was always destined for university. Naturally it was to the most prestigious that I was directed towards and I achieved admission whereupon in such a fertile environment I began to flex my tendrils as I embraced my dark art, but that is a tale for another time. Alongside this I flourished at my chosen discipline and eventually I graduated with a double first. It was this achievement which Dr E honed in on in one of our discussions.

“So a double first, quite the achievement,” he remarked. I nodded. He was not wrong.

“What did your parents think about it?” he asked.

“My friends once they had their results went racing away to telephone their parents to let them know the outcome. I didn’t.”

“Why?”

“It had already been arranged that I was meeting my parents for dinner that evening and I would tell them my degree result once we ordered.”

“What did you think of that arrangement? Weren’t you keen to tell your parents sooner of your success?”

“I suppose so but I knew there was little point. Even if I had tried to telephone them, nobody would have answered. My mother would have deliberately absented the house so I could not reach them so as to avoid spoiling the anticipation at dinner.”

“So this arrangement was at your mother’s behest?”

“Of course. Who else? If I achieved the expected outcome the evening would pass pleasantly, if I did not, I would be subjected to a lengthy cross-examination unable to avoid it by putting the telephone down.”

“I see. It was fortuitous then that you achieved such an excellent result.”

“Fortune had nothing to do with it. This dinner was placed in the diary as soon as my mother knew when the examination results would be posted. It was a further incentive for me to achieve what was expected of me.”

Dr E nodded and made a note.

“How did the meal progress then? How did they react to news of your achievement?”

“Once our orders had been placed and the waiter walked away, my mother turned to me and asked ‘Well?’ I responded with, ‘I obtained a double first’ and she answered by saying, ‘As expected. I will make the call,’ and she left the table to telephone the other family members to let them know, probably her brother first of all out of them all.”

“No mention of well done or congratulations?” asked Dr E.

I shook my head.

“And your father?” he asked.

“My father waited until my mother was out of earshot and he reached across and placed his hand on my arm and said, “Well done HG, very well done, that is a fantastic outcome. I know just how hard you have had to work for that result. It is a magnificent result, truly outstanding. I am so very proud of you son, very proud indeed,” and then as he said the word proud his voice cracked and I looked up into his eyes and I could see that he was crying. I had never seen my father cry before. Ever. I had seen him concerned, downcast, worried and so much more, but never the tears. His face was fixed with a huge smile and he tried to speak again but he was overcome with pride. Pride for me. Just me. I had not seen anything like it.”

“How did you feel about him showing such pride for you?”

“I was taken aback but then I felt this surge through me and it felt amazing. It was visceral and ever so powerful as I continued to look at him, the tears filling his eyes and he kept nodding. His hand patted my arm, I can still picture it now. He wasn’t able to speak but the look on his face and that nodding told me that somehow he felt that the job was done, the mission had been accomplished and he was proud of me for doing so. I have never forgotten that moment.”

“Why?” asked Dr E.

“Because the way I felt when I saw my father cry tears of pride at my achievement made me want to see that again. The sense of power that he imbued in me, his praise, his pride, his adoration of my achievement was so edifying that he made me strive even harder. Oh, my mother thinks she is the driving force behind my success and it would be wrong to say she has not been. She has been a huge influence but from that point onwards, my postgraduate achievement, my securing employment and advancement through the hierarchy to where I am now and also in terms of what the future may bring has been driven by my father. I wanted to feel that power again and for that to happen I wanted to see those tears of pride again. So I worked damn hard. I never knew that pride would make someone cry. I never knew that someone’s proud tears would make me feel so powerful.”

“I see. Did you see those tears of pride again from your father?”

I felt the first flicker of the ignition of my fury at this question.

“No. Once again something special to me was taken from me.”

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69 thoughts on “Tears – Part 2”

  1. I had tears again HG. But this time they were happy tears because of the love and the pride your dad had for you. I think it was great that he told you all of those things that night. You have accomplished a lot in your life. You should also be proud of yourself. Sorry you lost father. He would be extremely proud of you for the work you are doing with this blog and your books.

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  2. HG you have accomplished so much, your words have yet again struck a cord in me again. I do understand, I know it doesnt mean much coming from one such as I. A tear has fallen and I stare at it on my ipad screen……

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  3. Well, that jolted me back into childhood…thankfully I do not have to replay the memories at another’s request.

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  4. I read an blog a while back and someone in the comments suggested a book on fear, anxiety vs. irrational fears or something along that line. Does anyone remember what the book was?

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  5. This is a tear-jerker post, but I loved it…your father sounds like he was a good man and I am so glad that you two got to have that moment of genuine pride with one another. Sounds like you have always done well in your business dealings and academics, but that your dad was proud that you did it but wasn’t trying to make you feel guilty or make sure that you did it – he was just proud of you for being who you are.

    Your mom, well, it sounds like she was trying to control you into doing being what she wanted…maybe that is why you have to be in control now, especially with women because of feeling out of control with her all the time?

    I am a very sorry that your dad passed away…hugs but I know you don’t like to be touched but you know what I mean I hope…

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  6. HG, its so funny to me that you say your Dads pride and emotion made you feel powerful yet the “surge” that went through you to an empath would be described as emotion. Is it possible that sometimes narcs mistake emotion as power to protect themselves from the true emotion?

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  7. I’m so sorry to read all that…my kids see my cry at school Christmas nativity. .. (well now only my younger as older is Home Educated by me)… they see me cry when they pass the Karate exam and gain new belts… they see me cry when they draw us… when they help me tidy up and set up the house for special occasions… at Spiets day even if they don’t come first or win… even during Teachers Evening when I hear all the praise towards my younger son… My pride tears flow for them… they deserve that. Everyone does…. would You like some of it dear G.? I’ve got unlimited pride and pride tears. ❤

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      1. I’m sorry but I don’t offer it to rude people 🙂
        And I got hold of myself long ago thank You very much 🙂
        Regards

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      2. Hi Maddie,
        It is so nice to see you responding to others here. Your compassion is showing. I am sorry that I have been rude to you in past posts. For me, I was worried and wanted to help. I think that is the goal for most here, wanting to help. Not my place. Hoping you are well.
        Indy

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  8. yes all like the others this article is heartbreaking 😢 I thought already the first time I read how it would feel to be with someone so extremely cold 😢..
    Best wishes that the best is still to come for you.

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  9. Achievements…that used to be the only way I knew love from my parents. They didn’t know how to show it otherwise, not until later in their old age. It’s a painful addiction that I can relate to. Only recently did I let go of it to a degree (no pun lol)….

    Your father does sound, as you describe him, as a sweet soul. May he Rest In Peace. Not sure your beliefs (shoot, I don’t know my own), but a feel he watched you still and is rooting for you in this battle.

    Peace to you this weekend, HG. Your journey touches many and also helps many to find their own journies.

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  10. HG, this one actually kept me awake last night. I sat staring at the tear that fell on my ipad, thinking about you.
    My heart just broke, like i said you have accomplished so much, i am so sorry for what your mother has expected of you from the young boy to the man you grew to be.
    Your Father, the tears came when i read how he was proud of you and meant it. Not to be nosey yet was this the first time your Dad showed just how proud he was of you? Do you believe that surge was emotion?
    HG there have been so many times reading these I just wish I could give you a hug, I wouldnt knowing you dont like to be touch. Where you hugged growing up? I suspect not. Did your Father show emtion towards you or because you were self sufficent he didnt? I am sorry i am being nosey now.

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    1. Quite alright Rhonda, if I do not want to answer, I won’t.
      No I was rarely hugged. My father did show emotion towards me, but not often, he was busy with other matters.

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      1. I was abused by my stepdad from kindergarten to 6th grade . He eventually went to prison for abusing my childhood friends . So I’m curious as to know why I ended up being an empath and not a sociopath or narcissist ? Why do some people feel deeply despite being abused and why do some people shut down all love and empathy to the point where they believe it isn’t there anymore ? It is so baffling to me .

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      2. I went through my own share of difficulties growing up, and from what I’ve learned on this blog and other sites, some cope by trying to please and give and placate, and others cope by taking and denying and inflicting pain. Both coping styles are rooted in deep trauma and lack of control.

        Just my thought, of course, but I think ultimately it might be if you get pushed enough to hit that breaking point where your emotions shut down (and so empathy, love, connecting, and other things that make you vulnerable, fall by the wayside). Maybe if that happens early enough in your life, and often enough, then your brain actually wires differently on a permanent(?) basis.

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      3. I do think that certain emotions and feelings never developed to begin with. That is what I would add to the observations you made Lilly.

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  11. Your mother was awful and I resent her and she wasn’t even my mother . Do you think if you would have had a different mother or if she showed the proper care and empathy you would be different ? You dont have to hurt people or discard of the ones of love you . You should cherish them . I wish I could show you love and maybe help you with empathy but I doubt it would change you or make you feel happy to the point where you didn’t need negative fuel .

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    1. The prevailing wisdom at present is that if her and certain events has not happened I may well have been entirely different. Thank you for your kind sentiments.

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  12. May I ask please what was this crying baby thingy if the neighbours? Was that neglected baby by someone? Have they left a cdplayer with recorded crying sound on their windowsill? Or was that a future cry of their baby? Book left no answers 🙁

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    1. The lack of an answer was on purpose. It was to make you think and consider the options and how it links in to me. The answer will be along in later works, but I like people to thin, Maddie.

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  13. Dear G. BIG BIG last minute question. My ex narcissistic friend just announced despite never being with a woman that she’s in love with me. Ok I admit I let the hoover she started last month to happen. Contacted her yesterday as my concers were of her well being seeing her fb profile and broken another relationship. She isn’t bisexual nor lesbian and nor am I. Why would she say that? That left me perplexed. ..

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      1. I did not respond yet. . I was awaiting confirmation of Yours…why would she want to seduce me if she isn’t a lesbian or bi nor am I? I do not know how to respond but I understand now our “cosy evenings” … please advice how to respond making sure she understood that’s the wrong way for fuel from me but without hurting Her?

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      2. She might be seducing you in the context of an inner circle friend. I daresay you “love” your friends don’t you? Is she stating it in such a way that she is wanting an intimate relationship with you and if that is the case, how do you know that to be the case?

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      3. Well if someone says I love You as a friend You aren’t surprised, are You. But if the same sex friend after 8y of friendship (on and off as for a narc) says that , You are left surprised shocked and thinking where the trick is…. she messes with my head always have. I do love my friends even if few of them are narcissists. She is the midrange victim one. What to do?

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      4. It depends on whether you want to be exposed to her machinations or not. It would appear by her perfect couple remark (your next comment) she envisages an intimate relationship with you. If you do not want that (for whatever reason) she is not going to take such rejection well.

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      5. Also she mentioned how her relationships with mans and her ex husband never worked that she didn’t know who she was etc etc. That she always missed me and many times she joked throughout our friendship (:/) that we would make perfect couple…now the joke isn’t funny.

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      6. Oh I’m so messed up I meant to say: she said I’m in love with you . And that’s why its weird. Will You tell me how to handle that without hurting her please? Obviously I won’t engage in such a relationship I am not bi. And victim narcissists are extremely tiring….

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      7. If you do not wish to engage in the relationship you will need to reject her. This will ignite her fury and she will respond with heated fury, cold fury or withdraw. Your choices are:-
        1. Agree and enter a relationship with her with the inevitable outcome;
        2. Reject her and go no contact;
        3. Reject her and deal with her fury but expect her to keep hoovering you if you maintain the friendship.

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      8. I’ll go with no3. I can handle Her fury. Thank You much dear G.for Your time here. I owe You infinity of fuel. Xxx

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      9. On the othet hand thinking again… is there anything I can do to help Her with her fury? If I will apologies sincerely and be there taking “stabs” frim her will it make it easier for her? Will she suffer less? I don’t mind about myself. I’m gonna be fine. I want her to know I’m there for her.

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    1. Hi Maddie, please be careful! I had many “cozy evenings. She then pronounced her love for me. I just thought she was soo broken and didn’t know how to have a friend. I was wrong. You have a lot of knowledge though and HG.
      Good luck!!! ❤️

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      1. SW thank You. I know her game. I don’t mind have contact with her again having my knowledge but I do not want to hurt her either.

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      2. Hi Maddie, I hope everything works out for both of you. I can’t imagine you hurting anyone. You have too many tears like me. ❤️❤️❤️Xx

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      3. SW I’m awaiting what HG advise. Her behaviour won’t affect me and I get the feeling that she knows that now that’s why she has used her last resort options to draw me in.

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      4. SW You are so kind! Thank You for not judging me nor throwing eggs at me. Id rather suffer or work things out the best way possible than hurt anyone.especially a friend. It’s not her fault the way she is. Our family always been connected and I wouldn’t want her suffer just like I did not want my matrinarc to suffer. There are always ways to love a narcissist. You first have to get rid of hate. Thank You. Have a great afternoon xxx

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      5. You are also kind Maddie!! I understand you wanting to help and to do what’s right for both you. She means a lot to you and she is lucky. Have a good evening! ❤️I would love to know how it works out. I always hope that love wins. Still can’t help it. lol

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      6. SW thank You dear! I shall provide You with updates. I also do believe that real true love wins EVERY TIME. ❤ don’t it dear G.? Xxx

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  14. HG. My deepest sorrrow for the loss of your father. He really was the stronger of your parents. His praise towards you was unadulterated…genuine. I hope you know you were more than a “double first” to him. You were and are his son. Thank you for sharing this post again. Peace.

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  15. Thank you HG, i am sorry i see many simlarities in the environment i grew up with and differences.
    I do hope you find peace within.

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  16. Had to google double first.

    Congratulations, think I had the equivalency here; nobody cared but me, it felt great!

    It sucks not having a warm upbringing, but that’s not who I am today, am like puppy happy, so I’m told. (But I don’t pee on the rugs, haha, I know, tmi)

    Being with that unpredictable narc was cold & creepy, ugh, a real buzzkill to my being happy daily, which I do enjoy!

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  17. As others here have said, touching post,HG. I found it interesting that where you used the word powerful, I would have used the word wonderful. I know you do not want it but I am sending you a virtual hug

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