You Have Changed

you-have-changed

You’ve changed and I don’t know why. Have I done something wrong? Have I done something to offend you or upset you? Why have you changed? You aren’t interested in me anymore. Once upon a time you would sit in rapt attention as I explained things to you, as I told you about the things I had done. The things which mattered to me. I thought you liked them too. You seemed interested and it was a genuine interest as you asked me questions and admired me for what I told you about. Do you remember those conversations? I do, although I must admit there are days when they seem such a distant memory to what we have now that I wonder if I made them up or dreamt them. Those afternoons where we lay in bed, the world so far away from us as we held one another and made plans. The world was ours to conquer wasn’t it? We made such grand plans, you and I, with nothing to stop us or hold us back. Except ourselves. How have we come to be so far apart? Where did it go wrong? How did these changes happen? What caused them? We were united as one. We did not know where one of us started and where the other ended, we were so entwined. I was happy. I thought you were too. You seemed happy. Tell me you were happy.

We did everything together. I never wanted to be anywhere other than your side. You completed me. I completed you. Two halves at long last united. Two lost souls who were wandering through the wilderness and then we found one another and all became wonderful. I did not dare to believe it was happening at first. After so many had failed, those who offered so much yet turned out to be pretenders with nothing but failure dripping from those promising lips. How I yearned to find the right one and just as I had almost given up all hope, along you came. My saviour. I knew from the moment I saw you that we belonged together. I could sense it and that first kiss, well, I can still feel the tingling up and down my spine even now, after all this time, after everything that has been said and done.

Why did you change? I did nothing wrong. I gave you my all. I believed in us but perhaps I have let you down, perhaps I have failed you in some way. Is there another? Is that why your eyes no longer shine when you look at me? Is that why your special smile has not been seen in these parts for too long? Do my tales and stories bore you now? Does the re-telling of these famous tales grow stale? Perhaps you have found someone else, someone who gives you what you want, someone new and exciting? Is that it? Is that why you have changed. Have you found sanctuary in the arms of another and now you have become malleable in their hands as you once were in mine? Do you remember how you said that my touch brought you to life and how you had merely existed beforehand? Do you remember taking my hand as we walked mile upon mile, never faltering from having something to say to one another. How we used to talk? Now I am lucky if I get a sentence from you as you take refuge in a monosyllabic citadel, seeming as if you are more content to reside there than with me. Your words used to flow, enchanting and marvellous and how I delighted to hear what you had to say. You could make the mundane magical and all through that perfect and delicious mouth of yours. Does that mouth still weave its magic for someone else now? Do the words feel leaden, your mouth full of dust when you talk to me? I still listen. I still give you the attention but it no longer works as it did before. I know it is not me that has changed. I never do. I can see that it is you that has changed but I am at a loss to understand why this happened. Believe me, I have spent long hours working out everything that has been said, what has not been said and all the acts and omissions. I have played them, replayed them and chopped back and forth, like some detective analysing CCTV footage in the hope of finding that one clue. That one lead, that certain something that will allow me to understand how we lost that certain something.

Is it that you want me to change? Do you need me to transform into something different? Is that it? I will be whatever you want me to be if only we can have what we once had. You have changed but if you need me to do so too, if that is what it takes to recover ourselves then I am willing. Tell me, just give me a sign, some kind of signal so I know what to do. Your wall of silence gives me no indication of what I must do in order to save us. Do you do that because all your time and attention must be saved for someone else and therefore you have none to give me? Have they come like some silent-footed thief and stolen away the person who I want more than anything on this earth? Perhaps that is what has really happened. You have not changed but rather the real you, the you that makes everything matter again, has been acquired by a pilferer. Has your soul been stolen by another? Have they taken it when I was regrettably distracted and have they now placed it in a gilded locker, far away from me, leaving me with just the husk, the image of what once was? Perhaps that is what has happened. I know you have changed but perhaps, just perhaps it was not of your doing. Maybe an outside agent has influenced you, brought about this alteration, neither seeking not obtaining our consent to this heinous act. Yes, that must be what it is for I know you would not willingly leave me. How could you? Why would you? Why leave what we have and leave me with so little when once we had so much? You have changed but it is at the sordid and filthy direction of another which gave you no choice. Did you warn me? Perhaps you did but I did not notice. Did you cry out and seek my help? Maybe you did but I was distracted and I did not hear. Tell me now, tell me how I can help you. I will do anything to win what we had back. That brilliant, loving, passionate and above all seemingly perfect union that you and I created before this change occurred.

Please, I am begging you, just tell me what I have to do. I am lost from ideas, I have no more ingenuity or guile to achieve what needs to be done and I need your assistance more than ever before. Don’t let them win, do not let those who are jealous of what we have, the green-eyed interlopers who have watched and waited for that moment to drive a wedge between us. Don’t let them make your change permanent. Fight, fight with me, for me so we can succeed and shine again. I cannot stand where we are now. The pain and weakness that sweeps me tears me apart, makes me feel disgusting and wretched. I cannot stand to be this way for it causes me such great distress as I look over to you watch you, unnoticed by you. You are not who I knew you once as. I do not recognise the person who sits across from me now. So much is alien, so much has become foreign. I don’t feel like I know you anymore. Or that I ever did.

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14 thoughts on “You Have Changed”

  1. Trigger . Now I’m having flashbacks . Y’all wear the mask very well . I’m curious to know if there are times when you are tired or drained and you may not have the energy to keep the full mask on so maybe you have off days where you let the cracks show and the hollowness and emptiness of your voice slip more than usually ?

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  2. Hi HG,

    I feel like this is where I will be when my husband returns. I’ve recently learned that my husband may be an upper mid-range narc and I am an empath. He is returning home from a short deployment but while he was away he did silly things like take off his ring and mistakenly got pictured with it so I caught him, lied about why it was off (with three different stories) begged me not to leave him and agreed to go to counseling (something he’s said he would NEVER do). A few weeks after this incident he then asked if he could get a hotel at their next country they were visiting (told me whatever I wanted him to do he would do). I told him I didn’t feel comfortable b/c he had broken the trust and he gives me cold fury by telling me he decided he was going to get the hotel anyway (against my wishes) b/c he’s tired of being cooped up on his ship and he deserved to get a night or two in a nice bed, to then later (2 hours before when he could no longer cancel it) say that he wanted to cancel the hotel after all. I’m sure all of this is just to get a reaction out of me & keep me confused as narcs like to do. But it sucks b/c I’m tired of this abuse. I just want to live a happy life with someone I love and who loves me. I hate it can’t be him but I’m so tired…drained even.

    I hate I attracted this into my life, hate that I still have 5% hope that he could change but knowing that I’m partly delusional for thinking that a narc will, hate that his mom (who has to be a greater narc) made him this way, hate that I had kids with him b/c it makes no-contact even harder AND makes me afraid to leave b/c of what he will try to do to get back at me (after I master not being fuel for him) through the kids when I leave b/c he knows that’s a sure way to get to me. I hate that I’ve used the word “hate” so many times but this is what this blood sucking marriage has made me feel. I don’t know what to do. I guess my questions are:

    1) How do you do “no contact” with a Narc you have children with.

    2)Do Narcs ever change? Do you think you (being a greater narc) will/can change? Is that even possible for Narcs on you guys’ end of the spectrum?

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  3. Yes, that’s exactly the empath’s agony…

    It completely blew my mind when I understood the dynamics: she is chosen because she is special. He craves her warmth that comes from deep within, her genuine love, her all-embracing kindness. Yet she also represents all that he is lacking. Her mere presence reminds him of him being ‘less than’ her. And he cannot have that, it would obliterate his construct of superiority, his existence. Her mere presence is all it takes: she does not have to do or say anything ‘wrong’. That is why her will must be crushed, her joy spoilt! He cannot stand watching her feel what he is not able to feel, so, he must bring her down to his very limited level of emotions. When she starts to crumble, he hates her for her ‘weakness’, and withdraws as he does not want to be associated with someone ‘weak’. Yet in order to cry you have to be able to FEEL first!! What attracted him to her in the first place, is now repulsive. And so is she, in his eyes. He gets rid of her and repeats the cycle with his next ‘soul mate’.

    That feeling, when you finally UNDERSTAND, is beyond words… like finding the Holy Grail!! 🙂

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  4. I changed. Like the song…..Thanks for making me a fighter…..well, I changed into a fighter. And he said sometimes….”I wish you were still that person, the soft person I first met”….and I said “tough. She has gone. She has left the building. You killed her”.

    And H said “I am sorry I did those things…I wish I could change things….I thought you were indestructible”.

    Yes, he actually though I was indestructible. How amazing is that?

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    1. You are indestructible. Still in one piece and standing. You did not shatter. You were not destroyed. Your husband was right.

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  5. During my 2 month devaluation I could have written this 1,000 times over. Pure agony. Very well said.

    Two of your greatest gifts HG–let’s be generous and make it three–are that you understand yourself, understand US, and articulate both. That you understand yourself, being an N, is no doubt a feat, but that you understand us so well, not being an empath, is also amazing.

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  6. I was told told many times that things had changed between us.
    She used to say:
    ” something is different I just feel it”
    “Things don’t feel the same ”
    ” you feel distant from me”
    “Can you tell that we aren’t as close anymore”
    NOT ONE THING had changed.
    Are you just wanting fuel when you ask those questions?
    Or trying to make me crazy?

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  7. I think only a narc would have the honesty to write this. Empaths rarely can admit we have the many of these negative or entitled feelings- we kind of suppress them: I used to blame the other woman too but i realized that meant i was objectifying, just like the narc. I think for me, understanding and freedom from abuse comes with a full realization that i had my own agenda too. The difference was i was honest about mine. Or was I?

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