I am just a baby in your arms. I am fragile, brittle and vulnerable. You see I was broken when I was so, so young. I did not know any different and all I wanted was to be told that I was good. I did everything I could to please them but it was never deemed enough. I don’t know why I could not make them love me but it just did not happen. Perhaps if I had tried harder. I know it is my fault really but I did not know any better. They took something from me, I still do not know what it really is, but I think you do. I think you hold the answer because of who you are. I try to be a good person, I really do but there is just something that stops me from being that decent and compassionate person. I see what you and people like you do and I cannot help but wish I was the same. Sometimes I want it so much it makes me do things I should not do because I cannot control the jealousy that rises and makes me do those Bad Things. Believe me, I fight against it but I have not had the strength to defeat the wickedness but I have you now don’t I? You will shield me and give me the fortitude I require to complete my journey to redemption. Everything that has happened before was borne out of me lacking you. Those things that I have done, well, I am not proud of them but I was weak and knew no better. I did not have you to lead and guide me. The others, you see, those others promised me that they would take care of me but they were just pretenders and charlatans who took from me and left me twisted and beaten in the dust. Sometimes I had to fight back. That was when I struck out at them. I did not want to, truly I did not want to do those things, but sometimes I was given no choice. I know all that has gone now because you are here. You are the person I have waited for for so long. I believe in you and how you can save me. You are my caretaker, my salvation and my rock. I look to you and you give me such hope. You show me that there is a better way, a road that leads to salvation. It is a road that will take me away from the Badlands and the darkness. I understand the road may be long, it may wind through difficult places but ultimately, with you holding my hand, I know that I will reach that place where I need not be afraid any longer. I need not hurt and lash out but instead I can harness the real goodness that is somewhere deep inside me.
You told me that it is there and I believe you. You know about these things. That is the way you have been made. You are the carer, the healer and the peacemaker. You must understand why it is that you are so special to me. You are the only one who truly understands what is to be me and you are the only one who can save me. I will place my heart in your hands and let you care for it. I have been broken, I have been broken for far too long, a shattered and fractured creature who has had to endure living this way without any hope of redemption, until you came along. Please, make me a better person. Please care for me and nurse me and hold my hand when the demons come. I look to you and only you and in those optimistic eyes of yours I find absolution.
All I want is to be loved. It is not too much to ask is it. I am a noble yet broken person and you hold the power to make me what I want to be, what I should be. I am like a baby in your arms. I am vulnerable yet with you there anything becomes possible. I know you will love me, care for me and protect me. You will save me. You are the only one.
You fall for this speech.
63 thoughts on “Protection”
If I might tag into this discussion, it is a question of mine as well. It would seem my husband was always seeking his father’s approval, never receiving much but criticism that he should have done more, better. He was hardly acknowledged and did not feel encouragement. I know my husband was very frustrated with that relationship, hiding some things that he was deeply ashamed of until his father’s death. I don’t believe my husband ever got over the feeling of utter inadequacy and shame for some very serious crimes he’d committed as a teen, but the family kept from his father. That burden may be what kept him in the depths of despair, as well as despise, for most of his life. Living without the feeling of love and respect from his father was something I could never compensate for. I did not hold those crimes over him, he did well enough on his own in never letting them go, or accepting forgiveness. After his father passed, I’m not sure what happened in his mind. He became more distant, more passive aggressive, even a larger ‘lesser’, of the covert variety. Sadly, he took his own life, ending any chance of finding freedom from his struggles. Or was that how he ended that constant longing for a love never felt?
I wonder HG how you will feel differently when Matrinarc is gone. Would you say that while she is still here you are chained to her approval or disapproval? Pride may not allow you to admit that even to yourself but you know ultimately she is aware of whatever she deems to be your achievements and disappointments still, and sits in judgement. That must drive a lot of your behaviour. When that all knowing eye in the sky no more has a physical presence here and can no longer affect you with her judgements either in person, or from a distance, I wonder if you may feel differently and not be so rigid with your need to maintain the construct. She can hurt nor judge you no longer then. Nor you her.
There is force in what you suggest NA.
For you HG.
He bought me the most beautiful card, and gave it to me unsigned. So suave, I do say.
Lol at suave, unsigned card! I can’t stop laughing! 😂😂😂
PTSD, <3 <3 <3
Perfectly composed. I STILL want to believe it.
N2 gave me a congratulations on my engagement card for our wedding! He used to buy nice cards, they stopped of course. The women at a dv shelter analysed them well and I had wondered what the period. full stop. after things he wrote meant in inappropriate places. Eg To my beautiful wife. U. Are very much. my benchmark. I envy U. in many ways. Dont forget that. I dont show. It. like I should. Love your husband. T. xox
You make a mockery of everything that is beautiful. And you are proud of it.
There will come a time however, towards the end of your days, when you will see, and truly *understand* that you have wasted your life with hatred and envy when you could have had a life filled with love, if you had had the courage to do what it takes to get there!
I spent much time in a hospice, caring for a dying loved one. I encountered people like you. They came in with a sense of defiance, an air of arrogance about them. I saw them crumble, one by one, in the face of death, with regret in their eyes. It was too little too late.
Take a moment, and ask yourself if you want to end the same way…
Hello Matilda, I have not wasted my life. I have achieved much in my life so far. Keep in mind as well that what I do is borne our of necessity because that is the way I am. I do not look upon my life and sense any regret because I am not made to experience regret. I understand the point that you are making. You would regret your life being wasted if you engaged in hatred and envy, because you consider those to be “bad” things and if you engaged in them, you would ultimately feel bad about doing so. Your perspective is different to mine.
You may well have witnessed people of my kind as you describe or you may have witnessed normals who were putting a brave face on the fact that they knew they were going to die and maintained that brave face until the last minute.
Thank you for your observation though it caused me to consider your words for some time late last night.
I have no doubt that you have achieved much in your life in terms of education, career, and material possessions. Your determination, hard work and -let’s face it- ruthlessness makes you succeed. It works for you, and from that point of view only, I rejoice with you. I was aiming to address the spiritual/emotional side of your life.
From your perspective, it probably sounds impertinent being told over and over again that your way of doing things was wrong, your thought processes were twisted, your feelings were not proper expressions. To you, it’s what you are. I can imagine that you might feel annoyed at times having to stress your position.
When I post my carefully crafted messages as an ‘Overly Hopeful’ -thank you for that, NarcAngel lol- I am not doing it to disgruntle or rub salt in wounds. It stems from an unshakeable belief that your condition is the result of nurture, not nature. As such, it is not a fixed “that’s how I am” – kind of situation in my eyes. You are driven by dark feelings because they have enabled you to survive and to thrive. That does not mean that you are incapable of all the good feelings we hold so dear. It just means that you shut them down a long time ago, and you are *not sure if you should take the risk* to try and unlock all the wonderfully warm feelings again. Change is possible. Whether you want that or not is another matter, probably not from what I have read so far. But the aim is to push you a little to make you ponder on things that have been a matter of course to you.
You may end up rejecting what we say, and stubbornly march on. It works, why change it, right? You may end up taking some of it on board. I just felt that I wanted to warn you when there is still time. Those with a heart of ice probably never anticipated feeling regret either, but once faced with the reality of the situation, they faltered and fell. The Grim Reaper has been a great teacher both to them and me… he has changed my outlook on life considerably.
But to put it in a nutshell, HG: it’s your life, and your choice! 🙂
Thank you Matilda.
I think I have a post still in moderation from a while back where I asked you on the three settings you pointed out that you have – the mirror, the void and the hatred (or fury). I asked if the doctors foresee any of that changing with on going treatment with them? And, if you would even want that? I would think it is something you may contemplate wanting to possibly explore just in observing how you, yourself have changed over the course of this blog.
In the beginning, your answers were terse, detached, caustic, no humor shown, etc. You humanized yourself allowing “HG Tudor” to emerge rather than continue to be the evil “Malignant Narcissist”.
Although you are efficient and functioning on those 3 settings and can continue well on as that is all you know, have you become restless at all wondering if there is something else to be gained with your continuing awareness?
Indeed you do have such a post Clarece. Yes, I will readily admit that my increasing awareness does cause me to contemplate what else might be gained. It has not made me restless but rather if there is more to discover I shall do so when I choose to.
Thank you! I am glad to hear through the doctors, and the interaction on the blog, the seeds have been planted in your brain to be open to more, if / when you choose to engage.
Hi Matilda, I wrote something along these lines but it is probably in awaiting moderation and I spoke of the terrible time that some defiant, dying people go through. I have had this conversation (attempted conversation) after being torn apart again all afternoon into this late evening of corporal and systematic abuse. Two keys have been deliberately tampered with on my pc, so I have been openly gaslit and fortunately I have recorded everything. The N is using every strategy to take me down and although I am presenting as strong he is causing great distress in my body and he is well aware of my medical conditions and my brain injuries so I feel that he is intentionally trying to keep the pressure on with no reprieve and as I have sleep deprivation and nightmares it won’t be enough for him until I succumb. I have a chemo drug and my resistance is very low so currently have asthma now bronchitis and swollen glands and here is the screeching demon without any regard for me, verbally kicking me to death. They know what they are doing and for every victims pain, shock and bodily responses to extreme war like conditions, there shall come that hour of reckoning. I am soaked in adrenaline as he attacks, pulls back to stonewalling then attacks and stonewalls. My body is under constant militant style abuse and he is giving me more and more evidence to hand over. Yes it is intentional criminal behaviour and there are no excuses, none. Breaching human rights, re-victimising and he is losing control over me and he is amping up the abuse to an extreme level.
You must be under a lot of stress, physically and mentally. Can you not avoid his presence?
Hi Matilda, I just posted a video and I have an extreme case. I am classified as high risk throughout gov’t agencies, trauma counselors. There is a highly manipulative (I fully believe psychopath and it is a shocking, most triggering and deeply torturous and traumatising perpetrator). I know what you are thinking, that if he is so evil, why is he not behind bars? He is highly manipulative and an ace at turning things around to play the innocent, using a pawn to double up at all times to take over and cover for him (my own son). Avoid his presence, after he uses multiple shock tactics, intimidation, screaming thunderous profanity and defiance, rage as large as a bushfire and evil as they come. Their is some access he has to gov’t departments and I cannot say much more on that, but as I am gathering a shitload of evidence, that will be what is necessary to fully open the eyes of the systems that have failed me, he shall be prosecuted, or if he is not- I am going right through the chain to the top. Going by your name are you Australian at all? If you are you will understand the epidemic we face particularly in my region, the recent Gable Tostee case where prosecutors are being outsmarted by these narcissistic personalities, mine is one of them, there is so much to consider and I must do this carefully. In recent times due to the depth and negligence of my story I have had counselors transfer as the facts are not easy to digest, leaving a large inquiry open for the government to answer to and professionals get quite spooked due to the implications.
If you must stay with him for now, then try not to give him any fuel! No emotional responses whatsoever! Focus on the task ahead, and envision what your life will be like once you are free. In the UK, they have a saying from WWII, which was meant to inspire the British people to persevere when bombs were raining down on them: “Keep calm and carry on”. Timeless advice!!
No, I’m not Australian and Matilda is not my real name, I like the sound of it 🙂
Oh that’s a shame, I was hoping we might go for a waltz.
A waltz with matilda HG? What about me? ❤️
Hi Matilda, I don’t support women being constantly uprooted and consistently being given the responsibility to keep running for an issue that should be an issue with them. Our country cannot support the exodus of women and children being conditioned to run and many are homeless. I present this question: Why is it automatically assumed that the women escape if there is enough evidence that warrants our government bodies and organisations accepting that a monster be the causation to run, what are we enabling and why are we not removing the perpetrators? My hope is to change the way we have been conditioned to go on auto pilot with the first advice from most, to run.
I can’t dance, HG! 😀
He shall be all yours, Ptsdafternarcabuse. 🙂
Thank you matilda. I will share him with Love, and anyone else here who loves him. Sharing is caring. 😀
matilda – the name given by one particular swagman to his swag. Apparently the swaggie in question was a Dutchman who came to Australia after his wife, Matilda, had died. He adopted the swaggie’s lifestyle, and named his swag in memory of his wife. Use of the name spread.
“Sharing is caring”
Made me giggle! Yes, very generous of me 😀 😀
Where was the Royal Air Force during this bombardment? Oh yes, warring and invading other countries overseas.
Woah, don’t disrespect the RAF.
It’s not exactly in the same league as ” The Star-Spangled Banner ” or ” La Marseillaise”, but it’s the song that Australians get teary-eyed over when they hear it played a long way from home. The official anthem, by the way, is ” Advance Australia Fair”; on Royal occasions in Australia, ” God Save our Queen ” is played.
Why do Australians find Waltzing Matilda so unutterably poignant? I’m not sure, but I think the answer lies deep in the Australian psyche. Waltzing Matilda is very much a nationalist song.
The tramp steals a sheep; he then chooses to die at his own hand for this trifling crime – as though the sheep’s life were more valuable than his own. Remember that Australia was colonised by convicts sentenced to “transportation” from England, often for trivial property offences; Australians are still suspicious of authority, and cynical about the pomposity and hypocrisy of the judicial and police systems.
Waltzing Matilda – to me, at least – brings thoughts of the slaughter of Australian troops at Gallipoli (Turkey) in 1915. Massive incompetence on the part of British politicians (chiefly Winston Churchill) and generals led to a death toll that hit every town and every city in what was then still a tiny nation.
The cynicism about war and the concept of “Empire” is elegantly expressed in Eric Bogle’s ” And the Band Played Waltzing Matilda “.
Is it not true that Britain was unprepared in the first world war because the RAF was elsewhere? Germany’s number one goal in world war 2 was to destroy your Air Force.
Purpleribbonhealing, I understand your point of view. A woman’s options are dependent on her circumstances. She has to be very clear about the risks involved in dealing with her narc in order to decide on which route to take. Sometimes, that means to stay and fight – if you have children you have no other option anyway. Sometimes, that means to leave – if what you would leave behind would not be worth fighting for. Even if she has enough evidence to get a restraining order or to get him convicted, it will not be a permanent solution. It just prolongs her torment, wearing her down while he relishes watching her fall apart.
There is always a new way Matilda. When you get government departments telling you that you are the best person to save yourself, because out on the loose, from your perpetrator, you are at further risk from murder, than when you are in the drivers seat of your life against a perpetrator that knows no cessation, you know, despite the torture that it is absolutely true through experiences and because it sends him off kilter, completely to murderous intent. Now you tell me, and all of HG’s followers why this is not being dealt with the way it should be…..
Purpleribbonhealing, I vaguely remember the song ‘Waltzing Matilda’, sung by Rod Stewart, about a disillusioned guy dancing with a lady. Thank you for bringing the underlying meaning to my attention, I looked it up! 🙂
Purpleribbonhealing, it is not being dealt with in the manner it should be because most people in positions of authority -those who could make a difference- either have *no clue* what they are dealing with or are narcs themselves intent on continuing the status quo!! That is the main problem. And the only way to change that is to raise awareness over time.
Yes, makes me livid… aarrghhh!!
He said, “I am broken”, “You deserve better than me”, “I think you are making me out to be someone so much greater than I really am”, “You are too good for me,” “You are so sweet and vulnerable; I am so afraid of what the outside world will do to you”, “It is my mission in life to protect you”, and many, many other statements of B.S.
What happened to you when you were small HG?
Bad things Ren.
“Bad things.” So there is some truth then…in the “speech”? Have you built a shield HG? To protect yourself from “bad things”? The shield is what we see past. That is where our hope is. Past that to the horribly injured child. Mine came close a few times…to revealing insecurities. When he realized that, he had to run. Had he voiced his thoughts and “feelings” he would have been forced to face his demons. Yes, there is truth in the speech.
Indeed I have.
I have fallen for this speech. The phrase ” I am weak”, “I need you to help me be a better person”, “I am broken” are all favourites. In fact the same phrases are repeated time and time again, it is like playing Narcissist Phrase Bingo. But I am learning, that everytime I forgive and believe that it will be used against me in a cruel and twisted way. The promises of change snatched away. It is always Jam tomorrow.
I love that remark, Narcissist Phrase Bingo!
But, I thought this was true? Why else would you be a Sociopath?
Wow! I have heard this speech numerous times over the last 10 years. I even have cards and notes that he wrote that include variations of this speech. And I did fall for it, but notice I said “did”. I am done with it now, with him, and with the speeches. I threw it all away, the notes, the cards, and the marriage for my peace and sanity. I am so glad that I was able to finally break free from it. And thank God for amazing counselors!!
So happy for you and congratulations to you 🙂
“You fall for this speech.
wow so the whole thing is a lie just to get what he wants. and it doesn’t mean anything the moment he doesn’t want it anymore.
Of course, that is how they operate, not nice huh?
I am smitten.
Once again I am in deep smit.
That was until I got pushed off a cliff at the end. *sighs*
Fell for version of it, yes. As time went by the story morphed with different ‘reasons’ for his misery, fear.. whatever pity evoking word you’d like.
Then the light went on.
Slowly, but blindingly at full illumination.
“You have to help me! If you love me you’d do ANYTHING to help me.”
– ‘ Sorry, no. I am not qualified for this. I will be happy to suggest a counselor for you to bullshit, but I am done. ‘
I haven’t been invited to any pity parties in awhile. Judging by the expressions on his flying monkeys faces they get ear fulls…they ask, “how are you?” -‘ Minding my own business, Thanks.’
Brilliant! Both this and the Saul Mate post are two that I feel are superb in making the reader ask what it is, in them, that causes them to react favorably to your kind. I know a few people I’d love to send these to but I also know their ego would not be able to “hear” the messages.
I actually believed it, until you stated the last 2 sentences.
I was waiting for the punchline and it came. I know now that if something sounds too good to be true then it usually is.
So true PRH!
You know who I am PTSD. Send my regards to my other platform, as I have been intruded upon and cannot get into my platform as per usual. My bird has been let out again. I have taped my life including every act and flipflops of the perpetrator without any provocation on my behalf, on a continuum. To the point in the madness, he has played out a theatrical demonstration begging to be imprisoned! He is regressing and showing signs of complete psychotic behaviour from one thing to another so rapidly, so edgy, so aggressive. He does not have a stop switch and has shown psychopathic behaviours and constant outbursts that contradict himself every minute. The setups have failed and at times do get a response, as it is out of control mania and all that spills from him is sealing his fate. Won’t be long. HG please moderate my messages, quickly. No I am not telling you what to do and how to manage your site, I am asking you from the same place that you aspire and free up women from your types, that I am also doing that in my own way and would appreciate it if you would release what I write without attributing purple elephant statements about me, when my mission is to STOP the murders of my nations women, to get to the underbelly of the snake that is corrupting our freedom! Please do not control me, even you will be interested in the outcome as it is pertinent to your outcome, in a strange way. I am not your enemy and have apologised for reality- virtual exposure, yet it is to liberate women from the abuse and underhandedness that you admit your kind do with ease. I am appealing to you to gain an understanding from the empaths perspective. Thank you- I shall request again that you release my comments and you are not implicated in this, but under your rules welcomed opinions and free speech from your followers. Service is about serving and I endeavour to keep serving the women from my portion of the planet and any beyond who are suffering, great oppression and it must make it’s way up to the parliamentary levels to be effective in creating a future in re-education. My mission is to leave this planet a better place and leave just one foot print as you are doing right now.
PRH, you sound like you have much to say. As Love suggested, perhaps consider writing a book? And pls take care. Your journey sounds difficult.
Very difficult PTSD and if it were just what he did to me alone, I could handle it better but when it leaches into the lives of my family, that is where I must take stock and can see how it was masterminded and it was not through easy enabling, it was due to his insatiable drive to disrupt, corrode and he is resistant to all techniques and strategies that should work but is firmly entrenched like a mange mite funneling it’s way under (mining) each and every family member. That is most infuriating and the damage is collateral. I certainly don’t appreciate it as a learning curve and because it was intentional evil, there shall be large consequences to him. That -some say is revenge, I say they must face a consequence, for purposefully conducting their own unethical experiments on subjects who have been classically conditioned through maniac wanna be scientists! A book, volumes..when I learn how to write like HG 😉
So did I believe. I still do, though it changes nothing. No one can make that “speech” without firsthand knowledge of serious abuse. Just my opinion, of course. It is so easy to damage a child and destroy a life. My weeping heart to you HG (at a safe distance of course).
…I am mentally sticking my middle finger up.
And one by one the excuses I’ve made for him are falling away…