The Narcissistic Truths – No. 140

lack-substance

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50 thoughts on “The Narcissistic Truths – No. 140”

  1. Oh, yes, anything can be plagiarized. And formulaic approaches to any skill are wonderful tools. Anything that’s a shortcut to looking like an expert.

  2. A term I love is the skinsuit malignant narcissist, borrowed from the psycho of Silence of the Lambs who basically was making a coat for himself from the skins of other women. I know. Yuck. But I cannot tell you the. number of women I’ve known who are like this. They are scary. You’ll find them oohing and ash ing about the cute thing you have on and next time you see them they will have copied your whole look as though they created it first. One woman ( I no longer have anything to do with) did this with me slowly over time. I went to France one summer, next thing I knew she had suddenly taken an interest in travel. I bought a new car and she had to find a way to disparage it whenever I was with her or we were meeting in our little group. ( She teaches a class in a particular subject of interest). The last straw, after she had already stolen my fashion look, the way I wore necklaces and bracelets, was that I came to class directly from my hair salon and she quickly( so fast no one else would have even noticed) took out her phone and snapped a picture. I’ve not gone back to see how my hairdo looks on her. I had another woman years ago who pulled similar shit. I used to think I was imagining her thievery until I started reading about narcissism. These bitches are sneaky and scary. If there’s anything to like about you they must have it. Watch out for them suddenly wanting a group picture of all of you. They’re gathering data for the next heist, sick fucks.

  3. I was talking to a friend about this. She said, I pretended to be really into jazz when dating my now husband. But pretending qualities vs interests. One seems much more deceptive and damaging than the other. One can lose interest in jazz, but losing interest in pretending to be able to love is nuch more extreme somehow. The Narc said my ‘obsession ‘ with him was gruesome. But what was really gruesome was pretending he could love me and lying about the past. I had based all of my actions on a favric of lies. After being pressured to believe him. That is gruesome. And then I find, he loves no one, really. Infatuations, but never love, loyalty, acceptance, care… It was very damaging to me because when his mask fell, I had no idea what I was looking at. A sea of psychosis.

  4. HG this reconstruction do you think there may be a chance you will see a gain in trying to reconnect to or learning the emotions you dont have?

      1. Thank you, I understand I believe as to why you would not see a this gain at this point.
        If I may, I have been trying to understand this fear of the creature, I know this isn’t the same but for me and my perspective this example is as close to what I think is like your fear. When I was young I was told I would die if I ever disconnected from my emotions and no one was there to help bring me back. Logically this death won’t happen yet it’s something to this day I fear, you believe the escape of this creature and you will not exist, like death, logically this won’t happen. Yet in a sense the person who you are today will be not be, same in my case
        In my case I believe this is where my codependency was born, I over compensate
        For you shutting them off your narcisssium was born. I do believe thou you were born to be at the top, for many reasons.
        Yet fear is fear no matter how it came to be in ones life. It’s not good, it’s not bad it’s ones perspective how it is faced that makes it good or bad.
        It’s a choice

        Would you give me your opinion on my theory?

        I do hope your weekend has been wonderful and exciting!

      2. I know you don’t trust the doctors and I understand why. Do you think if you did trust them though, it would make the deconstruction / reconstruction less apprehensive?

  5. HG, but you really have some substance.
    Is it because it’s not enough?
    Are you talking about those traits that you just don’t have and those are the ones that you have to copy?

    Do the doctors and you work on goals for yourself?

    1. For some of our kind there are very few traits so the copying etc is extensive. With others it is more selective and embellishment on what might already be there.

      The goal setting will form part of the reconstruction.

      1. HG,
        You get it. You are the only one that does. I seriously believe that. You are the only person I have watched that actually puts what I think about the whole process down on “paper ” and it’s not mirroring I’m talking about. It is the similarities to how the psychological approach effects people with our traits. I hated and still hate the deconstruction. I am kicking and screaming now trying to understand intimacy. I keep repeating over and over, why do I need to change? I know that the resistance is fear based. I know it will supposedly make me have deeper connections with others, but what for? I am a skeptic. They just want me to feel deeply for someone so that someone can crush me. Right?

      2. Hi ABB,
        What about your husband’s unwavering faith in you? What about the unconditional love from your child? Are you skeptical you can even be crushed by them someday? Those two special relationships make it worth forging through your resistance though, don’t they?

      3. Hi MLA-C,
        Your timing couldn’t be more impeccable. My husbands faith sometimes I see as a weakness. I see him always as good. I see myself as bad, therefore I think that at some point he will grow tired of me and leave. He keeps holding on. My son I have absolutely no issues with. He has hurt me but I understood the choice that he made at the time and even though it impacted me I still loved and supported him. The unconditional love from adults is what I have a problem with. I fear my husband crushing me is because he knows the hollow emptiness I carry. He could use all the information I have given him against me. Our relationship now is probably at the worst it’s going to be. I am terrified of love and intimacy with men. I don’t connect the way I love my son. The doctor says the way I feel inside towards my son is how my husband feels about me. I have no concept of this as no adult felt like that about me in my head ever. I make people love me, I give them what they want to see, I give them what they need to be happy calm peaceful. But I am not those things. I am empty, a great actress and alone inside. I get filled by making sure everyone is in a good mood, everyone is working properly, things are smooth. I used to be tyrannical with this. I learned to use kindness and humor and an outward display of affection toward others to work for me. But now that it is down to me and my husband and this last bit of acceptance of his love, complete trust in him, staying present during sex and trying to intimately connect I fear failure. I don’t know if I want to bond with someone. I feel the restlessness of the creature returning. I want to alleviate the pain by acting out. But I cannot. I can’t use my old tactics, I have to use my new ones. It is so hard for me to put my heart out because every thing has been deconstructed and I am almost rebuilt but I feel myself slipping backwards to old tactics to relieve the pain it is conjuring up. It would be so much easier to go create some negative fuel and chaos to feel satiated then to keep peace calm talking expressing and telling him how I am impacted by what he does or doesn’t do. I want to quit. But i can’t. It seems too much emotions too fast. It seems like I’ll die. My doctor wants to switch tactics for a while. I am going to have to do this as I can only see this leading to a bad place. My husband God bless him, he keeps trying. I’m starting to twist it in my head though and think he is weak for not fighting me. On the surface I know that’s not true, but it would release some pressure if he would just for once abuse me in some way. He wont. I can’t start an argument. I have to use different way of solving. I’m rebellious and think why do I have to change, why doesn’t he just figure it out. But he is not the problem, I am. It is a hard thing to be your own worst enemy. I walk around feeling completely hollow inside. I need to go back to work so can get fed. What are really need to do is try to not undo everything I have worked so hard for and really believe that someone actually does love me and all the light and dark inside and that I really am all the traits I possess, they make up my own identity and it is not stolen traits or mimicking others, they are me, my traits, my talents, my abilities and my knowledge. I am those things. It is not pretend it is not a false construct, but actually myself. A whole and amazing survivor. Yes that is worth fighting for. Thank you for reminding me. โ™กโ™กโ™ก

      4. When I read your words about your fears with your husband, the underlying current that leaps out at me is your doubt at feeling worthy enough of his on-going goodness. You feel you have to maintain his faith and love in you through ongoing actions to match what you seem so admirable in him. He may be completely content and satisfied having your mere presence available to him daily. (Not what you do or how you do it). That is why he married you. Took vows with you. That can be a very scary, foreign concept.
        In a phase where you feel your fears are taking over, you have to try to counter those thoughts and pull yourself into what I call the day-to-day plan. Remind yourself that for today, your husband loves you, has faith in you, sees a part of you that you yet don’t believe exists (but it does because he’s witnessed it in your relationship with your son), and that you will not counter that negatively for this day. Everything is as it should be for today. Then distract yourself with something else. Sometimes looking too far ahead becomes too overwhelming and you can paralyze yourself and all the growth you’ve accomplished.

      5. Thank you for saying that. Your very sweet and concise advice is one that I will continually make an attempt at, as I tend to look way too far into the future. Thank you for the good reminders.

      6. ABB
        I keep coming back to your post and Im not sure why. Something in it speaks to me. I dont understand intimacy either. I understand a need to change something in me because I do not feel whole or complete in myself, but I do not understand having to conform because I am not like others or they think I should. Right or wrong my perception has always been that others are threatened by difference, so if they can get me to conform it serves a purpose in making them feel more comfortable and that they have it right and dont need to change anything. Anytime I have ever got close to anyone it is not long before I feel that they are feeding off me and it reinforces that my changing is only good for others. I have been in a long term relationship but only because I think we are similar and make a good team if you will, and it is easier to navigate the world to acheive some goals and to end questioning. I know I am supposed to feel a certain way about say my family members but the brutal truth is that I have only ever felt obligation. Early on I thought that maybe the feeling of wanting intimacy could only be unlocked by having a child but I was not prepared to take that risk. I have in all my years have had only 2 people that could verbalize to me that they have tremendous guilt over feeling that they are sorry to report that even their child who they protect at all costs and by all of their actions appear to love and have a bond with does not have the effect on them that others claim. So there goes that theory. I would love to be able to have the feeling of being fulfilled through intimacy transferred to me so that I could try it on and decide for myself if a change is desired or whether the world just needs me to conform. I do not believe however that it goes as far as anyone consciously wanting us to have these feelings so that they can crush us. I cant explain why but of that I am certain.

      7. NA
        Thank you for speaking your thoughts. They are very helpful. I didn’t really see a need to conform either because my way of dealing with things worked. But when I reexamined all the abuse and why I developed the coping mechanisms I did, I could see how they weren’t fixing the problem they were just tempering the problem. You need to change for yourself, not for anyone else. You do you but if there is a better healthier version of you should you consider changing, not conforming yourself to another person or groups model? I think yes. You may think no. The beauty is we are free to choose. I never wanted children. However I got pregnant and had him. It turned out good for me. I can completely see how people would not have this deep seated immense overwhelming love for their baby. The baby is a human. You have to do the work and it loves you back unconditionally. I was lucky in the respect that I was able to fall in love with my boy. The part about me thinking if I have and show these feelings to another human that they will attempt to harm me or crush me, stems from having my thoughts or words or feelings expressed ripped apart after being told it was okay to tell me what you think or feel. My parents taught me that nothing is out of bounds in an argument. You can say anything to main as long as you win the argument. So trust and intimacy issues stem from that. It was a conscious effort to crush your opponent. I’ll keep on working on intimacy issues. One day they may correct. Until then I hope you can figure yours out too. โ˜†

      8. ABB
        I didnt mean to suggest that you should not try to make changes, just that I understood your questioning why you needed to change (in your first post I think) and the fear associated in doing so. You seem on a good path now and I am glad that you have a bond with your son. I was hoping that was the case and that it would help you to stay on the path and keep your focus. I wish you every success.

      9. If any narc in history could change or improve itd be you HG! We believe in you! Best of luck ๐Ÿ’“

      10. HG

        Does the person that you take traits from always have to be someone that is or has been physically in your presence? Or have you ever read a book or corresponded with someone whos traits you have adopted?

      11. Good question. It is usually someone who has been met face to face (because of the fuel provided) but there is no issue in taking traits in the ways you have described.

      1. Is it just that you lack substance or also being riddled with insecurities that make you seek validation through the reactions you extract from people?

      2. Are you sure you lack substance? Look at your education, vocabulary and intelligence. All vastly above normal. Your brilliant writing, your ability to understand others & predict their reactions. Your advanced career where you have employees answering to you. And your extensive knowledge of the world. None of that sounds to me like a man lacking substance. Plus, you’ve obviously set and achieved educational and work related goals in the past.
        Unless, you mean lacking substance = lacking a conscience or empathy, and the “normal” emotions we average folk feel? We mimic things too, I think everybody does when they’re learning something or trying to fit in with others. You just do it better. ~ Hope

      3. Your first paragraph Hope is entirely correct, of course such things do not apply to all of our kind.

        My lack of substance is the void within.

      4. HG
        I am saying this in a completely neutral voice:
        You are special for all of the reasons listed above and more, but you are not special in having a void or feeling deep pain and shame within and you know this. Yes, it is unique to you and other people having those things matters not to you-I get it. There is a huge chasm between who most people are and who they should be for many reasons and a lot of those reasons are their void. I walk this Earth with a huge void having suffered a myriad of abuses and yet that is not what leaves me empty-it’s not knowing why I survived it. I can’t think that it was just to look back and have the satisfaction of knowing that I did. I think it should have propelled me to do something of note and I have yet to find it. People stumble about trying to fill it their void with money, food, shopping, drugs, and even successs, but we all know that can only be a distraction and not a solution. I don’t pretend to know what the solution is. You have worked out a system that allows you to not only cope but thrive and I can only admire that a young boy recognized and implemented it instead of being consumed by the world into just another drug addict, prostitute, gambler, etc. You are obviously an extremely intelligent man and know that all you have acheived and all that you have yet to, will not fill it. Maybe its just as simple as having to know how deep and wide the void is to be able to fill it. To investigate it. Perhaps it comes down to simple math-it is X deep and X wide and is not as deep as you thought and is mostly filled with with all that you’ve accomplished. You have no responsibilty to anyone else, but all I know is, that if you can look into your void or at whatever resides within and recognize that what you deem as weakness has held you back from even greater things than you have already achieved to date, I can’t imagine how great your legacy could be, and yes selfishly there might be hope to accomplish something on a much smaller scale for someone like me in your shadow. Hope. Thats what all of our voids hold.

      5. What would you choose to fill the void with? There has to be something that would not continue to feel enslaved in trying to avoid it.

      6. And the pull for negative fuel is equally as strong still for positive fuel?

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