The Ten Initial Desires of the Narcissist

 

THE TEN INITIALDESIRES OF THENARCISSIST

 

I am red of tooth and claw. I seduce, I hurt, I cast to one side and like some malevolent Pied Piper, I play my tunes once again and draw you into my fabricated world. I operate a zero sum policy. I want what you have. If I gain it, I win. I love to win. I must always win. The winner is the conqueror, the strongest and the survivor. This is what I have been taught. That is the reality of my existence. Yet when you have been selected as our targets and the seduction has commenced, we have certain desires that we want to be true. There are initial desires that exist so that we do not have to go down the road so often travelled. We may have ensnared you but might we remain protector rather than persecutor?

We have these wants at the outset of our coupling with you. These are genuine, well-intentioned and considerable in nature. We are imbued with hope, optimism and confidence, every time a new prospect has been embraced by us. We want these things so that the teeth are never bared and the claws remain lowered.

  1. You are the one

I chose you because you are so special. I truly believe that you are the one, this time, to change everything that has happened before. You are the one who will save us, you have been selected beyond everybody else because you are the one. That is why we have such an infatuation with you at the outset of our relationship.

  1. You will not betray us.

The world is a cruel and harsh place and we know better than most how that is the case. We are surrounded by those who would strike us down and grind us into the nothingness which we fear. Those assassins lurk and wait, seeking their moment and we must ensure we remain vigilant so we do not fall prey to them. Traitors and betrayers mill about us, but we are wise to them. We know their game and we have them in our eye. We do not want you to be one of them.

  1. You won’t be like the others

We thought they would be the ones that we desired but they disappointed and dismayed and they left us no choice other than to punish them for their lack of loyalty and their false promises. We had to do so, otherwise a failure to act would only compound the perception of our weakness and we must at all times project to the world our image of success and magnificence. We hope you will not be like them so we need not maintain such a façade and we hope you will prove your worth so that you will not be like the others and let us down.

  1. You will stop the emptiness

Each and every day we must seek to fill the void that lurks within. It is part of what we are and we accept that this is the task which must be addressed because so much rests on being able to perform this important act. It is the reason for our existence but perhaps you can stop that sense of emptiness for us. Perhaps you can take away that void and provide us with the substance that we crave.

  1. You quell the fury

It is always there, churning away, waiting to be unleashed and directed at some transgressor, critic or traitor. I have learned to control it, many of my kind cannot do so and will never do so, it is a mark of my excellence and my superiority. I make it work for me, to advance my plans and to smite my foes. I have no choice for it is always there, waiting to be ignited in an instant. I can control it but I cannot quell it. Can you be the one to do this for me?

  1. You won’t get too close

Perhaps if you avoid getting too close to us you will not then let us down like the others before you have. We hope that you can provide us with all the things that we desire without the need to invade our inner sanctum which must remain locked and shuttered. Do not attempt to enter there for the consequences are too dreadful, for us both. Do not get too close and perhaps we have a chance to achieve the other desires that we wish for.

  1. You really do love us

They all seem to do so at the beginning but then we find ourselves surrounded by charlatans, con-merchants and frauds. Why does this always happen? All we want is for you to love us, unconditionally and eternally. That is what we only ever wanted.

  1. You will not wound us

No matter how grand and imperial we are, no matter how magnificent our achievements and our deportment that signals to the world that we are truly brilliant, a leader in our field, a behemoth and a colossus, we can be wounded with such despicable ease by those who send criticism our way. It hurts, it burns and it wounds and we must defend ourselves against such unwarranted and disgusting behaviour. Perhaps you will be the one who will not wound us in this way.

  1. You will not leave

Don’t leave us. The others have always done so. We do not understand why that is after everything that we have done, all the things we endeavoured to do to please them and then this is what happens. The others leave us twice. They come with such promise and deliver for a time but then they do so no longer and through such an omission they leave us. We want that person to return but struggle to contain the fury which is unleashed from this horrible criticism of us and then you sever all possibility of a return when you walk away from us. Do you know who you are when you do that?

  1. You won’t make us leave you.

Please do not do the things which force us away from you. The others all headed down that path. It causes us to consider that we are cursed, forever burdened by the fate that we will have no choice other than to leave you in order to secure our survival. Perhaps you can be the one who prevents that feeling from happening?

Each and every time these ten desires loom large when we commence our engagement with you. Some show such promise and for such a time and then one by one these desires are crushed, shattered and obliterated. We know only one way to respond to the destruction of our desires because we are red of tooth and claw.

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12 thoughts on “The Ten Initial Desires of the Narcissist”

  1. I’ll attest to #7. But it wasn’t enough. I was told “you shouldn’t love me, stop telling me you love me, I don’t deserve you or your love… you cannot love me”

    There was a time (before coming here, before I learned what he was) where I actually said to him “stop saying that. It aggravates me. You think and act like you’re not worthy of my love and you are! Okay? Ya got that?”

    Him: “Remove your emotions from the situation for a minute and just think about it that way…”

    Me, think out loud before learning what I learned here: “WTF does that mean?”

    Me, Now: (chills down my spine and in my mind remembering his words)

    Remove my emotions indeed.

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  2. Given that you wrote this (very well detailed by the way!), you can challenge these false beliefs. I have faith in you! If you wish, of course. ((BTW, am I pushing you too hard lately and do I need to back off. If I have crossed a line, let me know.))

    Here are my challenges to those beliefs…many of us non-narcissists have also held some of these too. Wishing for someone to take away the pain, be there always, true love, etc.

    This is what I tell myself:

    1. You are the one
    There is no such thing as one human being that completes another, that fills the emptiness. You are your own “One” to complete yourself. Know yourself, love yourself. Then add to your life by adding others, like sprinkles on an already perfect cake.

    2. You will not betray us.
    Those that love you would not “betray” you, though betrayal is perspective, isn’t it?

    3. You won’t be like the others
    This is perspective again. We can create difference and similarity on our own and it has nothing to do with the partner.

    4. You will stop the emptiness
    Nothing but self-knowledge and self-love will fill this. I am sorry, all else is addiction. Oh, I have tried!

    5. You quell the fury
    We cannot control another human’s emotions. Your fury was started long ago by another “other”. We cannot make this go away magically forever, only for a short time. Like a snort of cocaine, a romp in the hay, a swig of liquor. Just like you cannot make our wounds and scars disappear. I wish it were some days.

    6. You won’t get too close
    Of course not, you will not let your walls down because it releases more than you, doesn’t it? Love only comes when we drop our walls (at the right time and with boundaries) and become vulnerable. How fulfilling is that to your partner, to only know your walls? It creates an end before it ever began.

    7. You really do love us
    It is possible we all will find real love. I hope so. Only when you show the real you and not use masks and abuses to manipulate. Otherwise, the love created is based on a lie.

    8. You will not wound us
    Impossible to control. We have to know our own sensitivity levels and self soothe when needed.

    9. You will not leave
    Impossible to know. The partner is an independent agent.

    10. You won’t make us leave you.
    Impossible to know. You are an independent agent.

    Making love to a porcupine with his quills up is a dance that not many wish to take on once they have done so previously, the wounds are deep. Only when those quills are brought down is it possible.

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  3. Dear HG,

    I just realized through the questions I was writing to you that because you are incapable of emotion you are unable to battle the creature.

    You have mentioned in the past about your feelings as a child in certain unfortunate circumstances.

    Some days I find it so important to want to try to find a solution for your situation. I want to fix your pain.

    What hurts me most is that I cannot help. If battling the creature is decidedly your lifelong fate then so be it.

    I’ve read devoted readers of your articles comment (as I have) about what if you could get beyond the beast & conquer it. Perhaps there would be less need to conquer outside yourself.

    If however what I recognized this morning is true…That not only were you created without feeling, you must fight an inner demon every day without any means of conquering it…
    This makes your existence very sad indeed. Stuck in a vaccuum. Terrified of not being consumed or sucked up, and that struggle is the focus of your entire existence.

    You have my compassion, warm energy, & my pity.

    You are a bird with a broken wing that will never heal.

    A.R

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  4. That’s a lot of responsibility to put on someone’s shoulders, what are you going to claim responsibility for?

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  5. Hi, I am kind of new here (have read a number of posts, but have never commented before). Thank you so much, HG, for all of your insights. I was wondering if you could tell me what types of things people do that would force you away from them? It’s from #10 above.

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  6. i find 6 interesting… your inner sanctum.. if you know empaths do not lie and try really hard to do right by you, etc… why would entering your inner sanctum be terrible “for us both”, what is your kind afraid of? why do you not think an empath might be safe to enter and help as they believe they can?

    and I would believe that the lesser to mid-range as you have described them would believe these things but the higher? if they know exactly what they are then I call BS on them thinking those things as they knowingly repeat a cycle knowing they are but playing a game. As you said, your kind does not “feel” and the higher narcs are not self-deluded about who they are and what they do…

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  7. You want someone who loves you, won’t hurt or leave you? Then, you have to BE that someone to her, too!

    You have had more chances in your life for happiness (or contentment, in your case) THAN MOST PEOPLE EVER GET!! You have been blessed many times with loving and caring partners! Have you ever UNDERSTOOD, and valued that?!

    You have been ungrateful for what you have been given, unfortunately… and that is exactly why whatever good enters your life is taken away again.

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    1. You’re welcome, Mona. (I read a newspaper article earlier today about a woman dying from cancer, and her bucket list… brought me to tears, and reminded me once more what was important in life… hence the emotional comment.)

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