Shouldn’t Have Done That



You caught the same train at 8-05 am every day from Monday to Friday. You always sat at a window seat nearest to the door with a seat beside you and a double seat opposite you. You never sat and read the paper. You did not hold a book. You kept your mobile ‘phone in your bag rather than prod and jab at it. You preferred to look at the passing scenery. You preferred to look at your fellow travellers. You told me that the opposite seat was free. You returned my smile.

You shouldn’t have done that.

You said hello on the following day. You smiled again. You engaged in small talk with me and answered my seemingly innocuous questions. You accepted my compliment about your fragrance with modesty and thanks. You told me your name and I told you mine.

You shouldn’t have done that.

You said hello again the day after and the one after that. You smiled at me first this time. You engaged in small talk again but it grew from small to medium as the train left the station. You told me where you worked and what you did. You told me where you used to work. You explained all about your hoped for transfer to another department. You told me about your colleagues and laughed at my remarks about them.

You shouldn’t have done that.

You turned in your seat looking for me as I entered the train. You smiled and the smile was wider. You waved me over and we engaged in conversation. The small talk had been left on the platform. You told me this, you told me that and you told me about the other. I absorbed it all. I told you how your outfit suited you and you told me where you got it from. You told me where you lived. You told me you lived alone.

You shouldn’t have done that.

You looked for me again as you did every day. You always kept a seat for me. Sometimes opposite you. Sometimes beside you. You always had plenty to talk to me about. You showed me your new ‘phone and I saw the Facebook logo. I also memorised your four-digit passcode as you tentatively typed it. You told me that you were going for drinks after work and you told me the bar.

You shouldn’t have done that.

I went to the bar but did not look for you. You came and found me instead. You invited me over. You invited me and my two lieutenants to join you and your colleagues. You introduced me to them and them to me. I made you laugh. I made them laugh. I bought you more drinks. You touched my arm and your touch lingered.

You shouldn’t have done that.

Your privacy settings are not as good as they should be. You placed so much of your life online. You accepted my friend request. You messaged me first that Thursday evening and I messaged back. You messaged again and again so I did so too. You told me about your plans. You told me about your family. You told me about your friends.

You shouldn’t have done that.

You met me for coffee. You answered my questions. You gave me more and more information as our friendship grew. You gave me your telephone number. You told me about your ex. You told me about the one before him. You showed tears in your eyes.

You shouldn’t have done that.

You met me for dinner. You laughed at my jokes. You told me your hopes. You told me your fears. You told me what you liked and I liked it too. You told me where you wanted to travel to and I wanted to travel there too. You looked in my eyes and you allowed me in.

You shouldn’t have done that.

You invited me to the party at your house. You greeted me with delight. You let me into your house. You showed me your books. You showed me your tastes. You showed me your friends and let me entertain them. You showed me my recruits. You poured me a drink and I poured one for you, then another and another. You kept coming to see me as I kept the group in the palm of my hand. You smiled and you laughed and you looked at me with something else, something more in your eyes. You kissed me.

You shouldn’t have done that.

You answered my calls. Each and every one. You talked with me for hours. You answered every one of my messages. You showed excitement. You showed delight. You showed enthusiasm. You accepted the flowers. You rang and thanked me. You accepted the jewellery. You rang squealing with pleasure. You accepted the invitations. You invited me over. You made me dinner. You insisted I stay. You took me to bed.

You shouldn’t have done that.

You thrilled at my notes. You soared at my voicemails. You revelled in my messages. You thanked me for my generosity. You clapped your hands in excitement when I showed you the tickets. You kept asking me to stay. You held on to me all night. You whispered in my ear and told me what you wanted, although I already knew.

You shouldn’t have done that.

You told me to leave a toothbrush. You insured me on your car. You gave me a key. You booked our first holiday together. You introduced me to your family. You introduced me to your boss. You introduced me to him, to her, to everyone. You believed everything I told you.

You shouldn’t have done that.

You gave me your heart and said keep it safe. You told me your plans for us. You told me you loved me though I said it first. You told me nothing like this had happened before.

You shouldn’t have done that.

You made this choice. You let me in. You ignored the red flags. You let my tendrils slide around you. You told me how I had captured your heart and made you a queen. I whispered softly in your ear as you slept in my arms,

“I always do that.”

66 thoughts on “Shouldn’t Have Done That

  1. NarcAngel says:

    Whoever is trying to bring you down is already beneath you.

    People are assholes. Just make sure youre not the toilet paper.

    Its not the load that breaks you down, its the way you carry it.

    Its better to cross that line and deal with the consequences than stare at that line for the rest of your life.

    Ive got PMS, OCD, And ADD.
    I want to cry and look pretty while I kill everyone, but I cant focus on that right now, Im cleaning.

    Ok that last one was not a coping mechanism. Just a mood assessment.

    1. VFH says:

      V good. Your mood assessment pretty much sums up my day. Who knew it took SO long to unpack a fridge freezer, clean everything after, put everything back in place, deal with children who seemingly view a mother as a slave/maid/volume muffler and cooking lunch/tea…..roll on bedtime. Wine o’clock anyone??

      Sorry HG for using your blog to vent momentarily on the joys of single parenting.

      Vent over.
      I’m good now.
      Thank you.
      And breathe…..

  2. After a short break from here this is the first article I read. Maybe I ‘shouldn’t have done that’
    This session of me being here you start not as HG but as HL (Hannibal)
    Powerful stuff.

    1. VFH says:

      Hi KCN….what’s happened, you ok?

      1. Hi VFH, thank you so much for your concern! I’m good thanks. I tend to need breaks away from here sometimes as I struggle with triggers. It’s been a difficult time this last month with the c-ptsd taking a downhill dive. I’m ok though! I’ve just learned that when I’m in a ‘ low time’ it’s better for me to have a break from here as I’m more vulnerable to triggers. When I’m strong I almost welcome the triggers and I seem to be getting better at dealing with them (thanks Indy!) But when I’m low the triggers have a deeper impact and it’s not productive to open myself to them. I’ve come to recognise my own limits.
        As I say though I’m fine thanks 😊 left the house on my own yesterday for the first time in 3 weeks and did a cycle ride today for the first time in a month so I’m on the up again!
        Thanks again

        1. VFH says:

          Hi KCN, sorry to hear you’ve had a low month but it’s good you know what to do when these times come and that you can keep in mind that ‘This too shall pass.’ As it indeed has. Here’s to being on the up!

          I can relate to being out on a bike….blows away the cobwebs and clears the mind as those endorphins start to flow. I’m in need of one myself although currently up to my eyes clearing out the fridge freezer making way for a new one (ouch in pounds) whilst my children run feral around me. Blissful domesticity though without a narc grownup making it even harder….thankful for that!

          Happy bank holiday Monday to you and yours.

          1. Twilight says:


            Lol my motto for the past two days has been “This to shall pass at work”
            Non narc involvement just had to let 5 of my employees take a permanent vacation.
            Yet it was what I said daily when I escaped. It hurt like hell……

          2. VFH says:

            Hi Twilight, yep was my daily mantra too. Suits many situations I find, but none as hard as finding our way out of and away from The Fog.

            What other sayings or words of strength do you find helpful? A personal dislike of mine is that “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” it just doesnt do it for me. Lots of things might not kill you nor make you stronger for the experience. But “this too shall pass” holds true for me every time. As does “don’t let the bastards get you down” because quite frankly if someone’s a bastard then they should not be allowed to get you down right?! That one helped when any anger about my being smeared crept in to my conscious.

            Funny how a few words can help re-frame things eh. Even if said whilst curled up in a ball rocking slowly back and forth. Wry smile. Whatever we need to do!

          3. This too shall pass.
            It might feel like a kidney stone
            But it will pass 😉

          4. Twilight says:

            Hello VFH

            I do apologize for not responding back sooner.
            I have a couple that I say when things get rough.
            What consumes your mind controls your life.
            This is one I have been telling myself most recently. My ex came to my place of employment yesterday, I should have expected this sense our paths cross the other day when I was on my way to another store to help them out. He wants answers and I am not prepared to give them, at least not with out any emotion attached. Not when it comes to our daughter.
            Being asked why I wouldn’t speak to him cause he is soooo handsome, my only reply was death can come in many forms.

            Lol listening to recordings HG has done, helps definitely in situations. Headphones in last night, watching the night sky.

            Yes we do what we must to get through the muck, yet Even beauty comes forth from the muck.
            Look at the lotus.

            Have a wonderful day!

  3. Ali says:

    those red flags may be ignored by some but if the person is young and naive, it’s not that they willingly ignore them it’s more that often they have no clue what red flags even are and that they don’t notice subtle ways of boundaries being nudged back more and more without them noticing. It’s that some things excused by your kind as an accident is plausible as an accident as much as it is plausible as trickery. And I know this because my ex (not sure he is a lesser anymore, not that this changes much to what was done nor to my healing process and no, LOL, I do not need a consultation tyvm) could turn the most horrible trickery into seeming like a complete accident. For a long time he was excellent at coming up with plausible “reasons” until the pattern of behavior became undeniable.

    few people have been around him enough to see that pattern and begin to question his “reasons”. They were so plausible unless you dug for more info. Few folks cared to dig or question and prefer to buy into word-of-mouth. But if you dig, then you see that the words out of his mouth were pure BS or twisting of truths/facts/reality. I dug, I threatened to expose him. I know more then I can prove, unfortunately. No one else cares to dig. There is still plenty I still have no clue on but I know the facts I did come across do not match his words on the subject: things that make no sense because I do not, and never will, have all of the facts on certain situations.

    same goes for another narc I met who dates women online, claimed his ex were all “crazy @** bi*shes” out to get revenge while really he cheated… though that one never laid any abuse on them during relationships…but he did cheat… if only to insure a new supply for the next round. Would get bored anywhere from after a few days to a few months…very few lasted very long… but he would rotate them back in the lineup and of course none ever spoke to each other…or very few did… and I know for a fact that even those that knew about his pattern ever took it to heart as they all thought “I’m the one that will change him, I’m the one that will last. I’m different”. So knowing the behavior did not prevent them falling for him, going through the on average 2 weeks relationship and then being used and discarded… and I wonder how many of them got re-hoovered knowing they had already been through everything the warning was.

    and I know if I had been warned, I might not have listened to others…but if I had known the red flags then maybe I might have listened more to my inner warnings…

  4. Victoria says:

    So eerie, scary and all true. How are we to know it wasn’t real? If anything seemed real, exciting, and loving it was that relationship. Tell me HG how can an imitation appear more real than the real thing?
    Great once again!

  5. Matilda says:

    On a more serious note: I had a gut feeling that the narc and I were moving too fast. I let it happen because it felt right. My fault entirely.

    What I learned from it is that you cannot *expect* others to be decent. People will say and do anything to get what they want. ANYTHING! It’s your responsibility to protect yourself. And that applies to every aspect of your life.

  6. It’s so easy to miss the red flags. I never saw them, or if I did I chose to ignore them because I was mesmerised. In hindsight it’s easy to see but when we are caught in the moment we cannot see the forest for the trees.

  7. Mona says:

    Then, HG, tell me, how a healthy person would respond or react. I do not know that. Please tell me that.

  8. winter says:

    I was smimming in Narc soup getting snacked on by alot of narc sharks before I got educated of their kind.One asked me for photos of me for his product so I sent some and he hacked my account and blackmailed me.Short little italian ugly narc raging mad because I was beautiful and well liked by others and he was an ugly narc.He also headbutted his playboy model girlfriend before me and she sued him for 125,000$ He said he didnt care because he made that much in a week.All fraud.The next malignant narc was part gym owner so he was there in san Diego every night I went there.He asked me for pictutes and when leaving one night we hugged.Should not have done that.The next night he grabbed my ass and kissed me and shoved a cough drop down my throat with his tongue.I drove home and filed a sexual assault police report.He was dangerous a psychopath and they all have thick reptilian skin and black eyes when you really look at them not human or attractive.I filed pplice reports on both of them.I wrote a review of World Gym San Diego that warned other women about Brad the owner narc at the front desk.I said dony go to that gym because it smells like burning rotting eggs and sulfur.Dont go there unless you want to superset with satan.Hells basement.I am no longer on a narc radar because they know I will expose their ass and wont be fooled.I do not accept fools gold only givers and kind real men who prove over a loooong time they have something to offer and are worthy of me.Lesson learned.

  9. Shoulda coulda says:

    So many things looking back i shouldnt of done!! I see them so clearly now!
    1. Not been so damn naive and believed everyone had a good heart. There are dysfunctioned people out there that will use and abuse you if you let them in.
    2. Given too much info too soon. I more or less handed my life history to him on a platter. He knew so much about me yet i knew very little about him.
    3. Confiding deep personal information to him about my childhood and past relationships soooo not good! (They will use this info to hurt and manipulate you later)
    4. Spent too much time together. This created everpresence and a dependance on him. Hes always there and makes up too much of my day. Perfect scenerio for codependance. I shouldve kept up my other friendships and interests.
    5. Fell in love too soon. Big mistake. Take time to get to know someone fully and form a detached opinion of them as a person not based on the lovesickness.
    6. ***ignored warning signs*** i had plenty of them!!! I knew he was not who he pretended to be yet i focused on the good feelings and what i liked about him instead of the fact he was a lier.
    7. Let him slowly break my boundaries. The first time i seen his values didnt mesh with mine and i was ignoring my boundaries i shouldve stopped myself and ended things.
    So many things i shouldnt of done that i see now and seen back then and did nothing about. I didnt protect myself and wanted to believe in the good in people despite the damage the bad could do.
    Wish i could go back and rewrite history things would be so very different.

    1. Ms brown says:

      @shouldacouda: only Narcs can rewrite history… but what you can do, is seize the power, with HG’s guidance and write your future the way you envision it to be

  10. Geminimom says:

    That’s how I was blinded by my narc husband. My mom is an insane narc. It was the mental abuse and neglect we kids endured. I make it sound uglier than it was but it was all I knew and my husband saw prime meat and chased me for three months. My best friend was dating his roommate and told my family to keep her away from him. She didn’t tell me that and now my siblings all say we tried to tell you what she said. We are conditioned By the parents. I’m awake now, and mom still has her razor tongue. I can go on and on about her but not worth it. My parents divorced ( her choice) when I was thirteen, and she managed to keep my dad from remarring until the last of us kids turned eighteen. Mom broke all dads relationships up while she had remarried.but dad went on to marry a bigger narc than mom. My poor dad. Oh and until this day we have to make an appointment to visit dad, because step monster said so. Iseeyou, I have the gift to suck in anyone’s nasty toxic energy and turn it into beautiful positive energy. I can’t help it and I can’t stop it. But now I pay attention to myself, and this blog is helping me understand me and my greater narc husband. I got my self a greater and he is everything HG says they are. Minus the cheating.
    Can I ask if you have children, If you don’t mind.

  11. ISeeYou says:

    Unfortunately when the psychopath is your own mother, you do not have a choice. Then you are predisposed to accepting other psychopaths into your life because you have been “pre-groomed” for them. You have been raised to respond in an open accommodating manner to perfect strangers. Because most likely you were shared with other psychopaths throughout your childhood and you have a skewed sense of love.

    1. Shoulda coulda says:

      So true! Were conditioned to be treated in an abusive way and know any other way. Thats why we gravitate to those familiar to use( narcissists).

      1. Shoulda coulda says:

        To us

  12. 12345 says:

    HG said that we do. He has invited us all to his house. It’s a slumber party.

    1. Indy says:

      So, for those experienced in Holidays, Narc Style, lets do some predictions 🙂 It be fun, in a triggering sort of way. LOL First rule of HG Narc Fest: No gifts for anyone but HG. Prepare for gift complaints with plenty of wine, though make sure HG gets the first and last drink.

      1. 12345 says:

        That’s perfect!! I think on Christmas morning we should sit in a circle and have a read along of all our favorite passages in HG’s books and then give testimonies of how he has helped us. An added bonus, we will all be in golden periods with HG so he will be charming the entire time!! This setting will be ripe for triangulation though. With that many women it could turn into a brawl!

      2. VFH says:

        And then we all get STs until New Year??

        1. Indy says:

          At least it’s not STDs 😂

          1. MLA - Clarece says:

            Not a chance of that as long as HG has his bedside bottle of Listerine…

          2. Indy says:

            Um, perhaps I’m more innocent than I thought. Mind goes wild wondering how S TDs and Listerine go together. LOL

          3. Indy says:

            Although I do recall it’s an antiseptic… Still sounds horrific. Besides the smell… The burn will kill you!

      3. VFH says:

        Oops sorry…jumped the gun! As you were…..

      4. Ms brown says:

        but he will find away to ruin it, cuz that is what “they” do… UNLESS of course, the fuel is flowing, which it most certainly probably would be 😛

        1. Indy says:

          Hey, I’m having some wine so those gift complaints will sound like a cartoon adult from The Peanuts. 😂

    2. MLA - Clarece says:


    3. Ms brown says:

      …with all expense paid roundtrip 🛩

      1. Ms brown says:

        wine and fuel…. win win!!!

  13. K says:

    I thought I was gonna breeze in, get my AA chips (sobriety coins) and breeze out. Not so fast after reading this, as I always look out the window at the passing scenery when I am on the train. However, my copy of Red Flag: 50 Warning Signs arrived on Saturday so I better get busy. Since I might be here for the long run, does anyone know if we get a Christmas party?

    1. NarcAngel says:

      Yes. Its mostly fruits and nuts with a little cheese. 1Jaded1 leads us all in the 12 days of Christmas, Clarece sees to it that we all have a stocking hung by the chimney with care and tucks in a little gift (this year I suspect its homemade slime),Indy sages the room and adds a lovely Christmas scent with essential oils. Then we all gather round St. Narc and Love climbs onto his lap while he reads for us some of the most delightful stories. AhOh, BE and I watch from the kitchen where we are preparing the pre-bed bong and Matilda chastises us for being bad on Christmas eve. Twilight and Snow White make us all hold hands and say: Bless us all a good Narc.……errr…… I mean goodnight.

      1. Indy says:

        Awww NA, you are bringing a bong 😂 The night will end with munchies, cookies from Alexis (she was the cookie cutter right?)

      2. MLA - Clarece says:

        By golly NA, that was so thoughtful! You notice all the little details! Would be the best holiday party ever (as long as HG doesn’t poke his finger in any cakes!)

        1. NarcAngel says:

          I think we can all agree that his finger would be the least of our worries.

      3. Matilda says:

        Haha, NarcAngel! I would do that 😉 No smoking in the house! 😀

      4. K says:

        Narc Angel

        Excellent! I am looking forward to the fruits and nuts, delightful stories and the pre-bed bong, of course. My ex left behind the perfect Martha Stewart recipe for egg nog and I will make some for the party. Being naughty and getting chastised will spice things up rather nicely, I think. Can’t wait!

      5. Lou says:

        I’d add Mona, who would not agree with the stories of St Narc and Jaeger/ABB who’d be in charge of the music (after 1jaded1’s 12 days of Christmas).
        I just hope AhOh and BE will get along this time. For Christmas’ sake 😉

        1. NarcAngel says:

          Haha, very good. Hard to get to everyone and I was tired so it was those who I exchange with most often that came to mind immediately. Several others have come to mind since (past and present) and they will all add a special sparkle to the party.

      6. Lou says:

        I guess Maria will be invited to the party only if she formally agrees to stay away from big HG’s slightly less big friend. You know, the one he communicates telepathically with.

      7. Indy says:

        Oh holidays….sigh….And for deluded drama and nonsensical fun, we could invite those few that made HG work hard as a moderator 😈 Not naming names, though I will find my seat on the sofa and pass the goodies to the left with giggles as I watch the show!

      8. Love says:

        Narc Angel, OMG, I get to climb on his lap?!? Really, Truly!?!? Ahhhhhhhh! BEST PARTY EVER! ❤❤❤ I can’t wait for Christmas! 😍

      9. Twilight says:

        Marvelous, yes we can all surround the man of the house as we hold hands and bless him with empathic energy goodnight! 💤 That darn narc car wash came to mind.

      10. Lou says:

        You made me laugh enough with the ones you mentioned.
        But feel free to add.

  14. giulia says:

    I didn’t like to change my train but I couldn’t make myself clear with this person. That’s a skill I don’t have. I can’t be rude or assertive enough so they think I’m joking or playing hard to get, instead I’m trying to set boundaries but for some reason I can’t.
    So I either hide or just stay away. It bothers me but that’s all I can do for now.

    1. VFH says:

      Boundaries not my strong suit either….I’ve discovered I was mincing about in one several hundred sizes too small all my life….I didn’t even know about them until needing to help my children deal with the aftermath.

      They’re quite refreshing and empowering. It’s how people not attractive to narcissists are all the time apparently! Talk about how the other half live….

      It’s a lot to do with owning the word No. Amongst other things. I’ve never been good at that, always worrying I’d offend someone. I must have been walking on egg shells a long time before my exN found me!

  15. giulia says:

    It reminded me of the guy I met in the morning train. Married….charming…he started to keep the seat for me….then he would look for me of I didn’t show up at the train stop (I began to hide…). Then he asked me out, one time ( I said no) two times ( I said no)…So I changed the train. I took the one 10 min. later.
    End of story 😉

  16. 12345 says:

    HG, while I walk around in life thinking I’m pretty smart, I’m gonna need you to dumb this down for me. Are the red flags intensity vs. real intimacy? Moving at break neck speed instead of really getting to know someone? At face value this reads as a man who has intention which is important in dating. At face value this reads as someone responding to someone who really wants to know them. Are the red fags enormous or tiny? I’m frustrated because the red flags in this post don’t jump out at me which means I haven’t learned as much as I thought I had.

    1. 12345 says:

      She moved too quickly. She made that choice. She liked how you made her feel even if felt too good to be true.

      1. 12345 says:

        I know, I know…read the book Red Flag.

      2. Twilight says:

        Would this testing or evading cause one such as you to dis engage and go elsewhere? Or would dis engaging be from getting the information they were looking for.
        I went through this with my ex when he was looking for me the first time, I talk with a lot of people, I am very private and it takes awhile before I start talking, catch me when I am sick and I become very short. That has been when they block me. Tells me a lot then of who/what I was speaking with. It is my natural defense to evade and/or change subjects when ask things I prefer not to discuss with strangers, even if I suspect I know who it is. Better safe then sorry

    2. HG Tudor says:

      Speed, intensity, unwillingness to wait, ability to explain away your concerns easily almost glibly.

      You ought not allow your delight in someone’s interest in you do away with the necessity of testing that interest in a polite manner.

      1. 12345 says:

        Thank you HG! I bought the book right after my post. I worry though. What is my daughter going to think when I die and she sees your entire library on my bookshelf?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          She will be grateful for the receipt of such prime knowledge.

      2. Mona says:

        HG, yes, that is right . We should test the man before we decide to stay with him. I agree and I did it. Do you forget again, that you fake all that in the golden period? So, you succeed in almost every test in that period. It is so easy for you to put all the blame to us again! Manipulation and blame shifting again and you actually believe your own words. Look at your own comment. May 22 At 7:49 PM As usual, we are the guilty ones, because we are- what we are.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I disagree. When we are ensnared romantically by our kind you do not do any testing because you do not know what we are, you usually miss the red flags or if you see them, you ignore them because you do not want to lose us, or you explain them away yourself “He rings me a lot, but I guess that is because he is so into me which is kind of nice, especially after how horrible the ex was.” Alternatively we deal easily with any questioning that may arise, half-hearted as it is.

          It is when you are armed with the knowledge and understanding that you recognise and this time act on it by either evading or testing and the most effective test is delay, slowing matters down and not gushing with fuel. This will either cause an increase in the love-bombing or dis-engagement and even an ignition of fury in some cases. A healthy individual would not respond in those ways.

          1. Ms brown says:

            good clear advice… Thank you

      3. Don’t let your heart over rule your head I’d say.

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